Stage 1: Confusion Jesper: “Wait… did Yuki just call Sven ‘Subeni-chan’ and give him the last strawberry mochi?” Sam: “Maybe it’s a cultural thing.” Tijjani: “Nah. That’s favoritism. That’s a chosen one ritual.”
Stage 2: Bargaining Sam: shows up at training with limited edition anime socks Yuki: “You step too heavy. Socks cry.” Sam: “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Tijjani: “I gave Yuki free lunch and told him his aura was clean.” Milos: “I let him slap me with the zen stick and said thank you.” Yuki: silent, offering extra dumplings to Sven Everyone: crumbling in despair
Stage 3: Rebellion Jesper: “Fine. Let’s overthrow Sven. He’s too tall anyway.” Jens: “NO ONE TOUCHES SVEN. Wait I mean–" Jesper: “Bro???” Yuki: taps forehead “See. Sven even protected by fate.”
Stage 4: Compromise Groupchat renamed: “Operation Subeni-chan Extraction” Sam: "We split Sven’s shifts. Everyone acts like him for 24 hours." Milos: "So... be tall, gentle, and make no noise?" Tijjani: "I’m out I can’t do the no noise part." Jesper: "I’m out I can’t be tall."
Stage 5: Acceptance (But Not Really) Jens: “Fine. Sven is his favorite. Jesper is mine. We all move on.” Jesper: “Except I’m still mad.” Sam: “I wrote a passive-aggressive poem about it.” Yuki: “No worry. You all are second favorite. Like... tie.” Everyone: “You said that last week!” Yuki: “That week... feelings changed.” Sam: “I CAN’T KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS”
Stage 6: Sven Realization Sven: “I didn’t even know Yuki liked me like that??” Yuki: “You breathe with balance. No chaos. You are quiet tree in forest.” Sven: “Ok thanks?” Jesper: “Yuki gave him a haiku. I got hit with a slipper.”
Stage 7: Group Defeat (feat. Jens' Bias Return) Group: “FINE. Let Yuki have Sven.” Jens: texting Jesper at 1AM “You up? Wanna cuddle and insult Milos together?” Jesper: "Already outside ur window."
Yuki: meditating on the floor, spoon-feeding Sven matcha pudding Zen achieved.
Top 10 More Yuki-isms That Shattered the Groupchat Like Glass 1. “Today me feel chaos. Maybe is Sam aura.” Sam: “??? my AURA????” Yuki: “Yes. Rich. But messy.” Jesper: “He’s not wrong.”
-
“You run like angry goat, Milos.” Milos: “I—what does that even MEAN.” Yuki: “Goat know.”
-
“Tijjani have good legs. But brain run behind.” Tijjani: “Hey.” Yuki: “Is compliment. Sort of.”
-
“Me not understand... but me accept.” Jesper: “That’s how I feel about Jens.” Jens: “Jesper.” Jesper: “Just kidding. Unless?”
-
“Sven is like cloud. Quiet. Peaceful. Maybe cry little sometimes.” Sven: blinks “...thanks?” Everyone else: collectively combusts
-
“I don’t fight. I just confuse enemy with word.” Jesper: “That explains the time you said ‘yes no maybe frog’ and Milos backed off.” Yuki: “See. Victory.”
-
“Subeni-chan good boy. Like rice ball. Soft. Reliable.” Sven: “I’m gonna take that as a win.” Jens: “HE’S SO SMUG LOOK AT HIM HOLDING THAT MATCHA MOCHI LIKE A TROPHY.”
-
“Zen is not place. Zen is Sven.” Sam: “I thought I was zen too?” Yuki: “You are loud disco. Different path.”
-
“Milos is like soup that forgot spoon.” Milos: “Excuse me WHAT.”
-
“Jesper sometimes brain no work. But heart go brrr.” Jesper: “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
Bonus: Sven Holding That Damn Matcha Mochi Like He’s King of Earth Sven: silently eating matcha mochi Jesper: “He knows Yuki gave him the fancy flavor again.” Sam: “That’s the Kyoto limited edition—Yuki’s MOM brought that.” Tijjani: “I got the expired red bean one???” Milos: “He didn’t even ASK for it he just EXISTS.” Yuki: meditating beside Sven “Subeni-chan require balance. This help.”
Yuki: opens one eye mid-meditation “Me no know. Subeni-chan… just has peace aura. Like koi fish who never splash. Like tree who listen but no judge. Like… Wi-Fi that always connect.”
Jesper: “BRO.” Sam: “So I’m loud disco and Sven is a koi fish?” Tijjani: “I DON’T SPLASH EITHER.” Milos: “Wait did he just call Sven reliable Wi-Fi?” Jens: “I drop Jesper home EVERY NIGHT and I get nothing. No koi. No Wi-Fi. No ‘tree who listen.’” Jesper: “That’s because you honk outside his house.”
Yuki: sips tea “Subeni-chan eat mochi slow. No complain. No chaos. Just... serenity.”
Sven: softly, smugly “Maybe you guys just have too much splash energy.” Sam: “OH WE’RE GONNA SPLASH YOU ALRIGHT—”
Yuki: gently raises hand “No violence. Only mochi.”
Act I: The Conspiracy Sam (in a group chat named “Zen or Die”): “okay u lil shits I SWEAR TO GOD if yuki calls him subeni-chan ONE more time—” Tijjani: “nah I’m done. I did breathing exercises in the locker room. he said I look like a stressed cucumber.” Milos: “I brought his favorite ramen. he said ‘food without inner soul’ and handed it to Sven.” Jesper: “He literally pulled my ear like a cat toy in front of Jens.” Jens: “ok but that’s different.” Sam: “SHUT UP.”
Act II: Seducing Zen (Fail Edition) Sam shows up in full linen outfit, diffusing essential oils. Yuki: “Why you smell like… spa that cry?” Sam: “...I was going for peace.” Yuki: “Too much effort. Real peace is not try.”
Milos plays lo-fi beats and reads a haiku out loud. Yuki: “That not haiku. That just sad tweet.”
Jesper offers to share his favorite hoodie. Yuki: holds it like it’s cursed “This has fighting aura. No.”
Tijjani shows up with bonsai tree. Yuki: “You cut tree to please me?” Tijjani: “BRO IT’S A GIFT.”
Act III: Subeni-chan Appears Sven walks in late, wearing a hoodie and holding a single matcha mochi. Yuki: “Subeni-chan…” serene smile “Welcome home.”
Sam: throws himself on the floor “I’M ACTUALLY GONNA PUKE.” Jesper: “What did he DO to deserve this??” Jens: “He breathes like a meditation app.” Milos: “He doesn’t even have LINE stickers.” Tijjani: “Yuki probably dreams of Sven floating in a koi pond with a flute.”
Act IV: Zen Court Yuki sits cross-legged, judging everyone. “Jesper… you chaos wrapped in soft blanket. Jens… your soul scream in car honks. Sam… you sparkle too loud. Tijjani… you shout with eyes. Milos… you chase inner peace like discount. Subeni-chan… he just is.”
Jesper: “You’re giving main character vibes to a background Dutch guy.” Sven: “...thanks?”
Act V: Sven Gets Roasted Anyway Later that night. Sven: “Hey Yuki, wanna share the last mochi?” Yuki: gasps softly “You test me.” Sven: “Wha—no I just—” Yuki: “Subeni-chan… even peace must have limit. That was MY matcha mochi.”
Sam: “OH MY GOD HE’S DEMOTED.” Jesper: “NEW ERA NEW ERA!!” Tijjani: “LET’S GO.” Milos: “Chaos wins again.” Jens: “Justice.”
Act VI: Balance Is Restored (Kinda) Yuki: sighs, passes Sven a different mochi “You are still koi fish. But koi fish must not steal from shrine.” Sven: “I… okay.”
Sam: “So if I don’t sparkle and don’t try, do I become fish?” Yuki: “No. You become confused octopus.”
The Bubbly Boys GC:
Sven: sends a meme about Dutch trains being late with a sleeping Pikachu Yuki: “Hahaha. Subeni-chan always see truth.” Sam: “what the HELL” Tijjani: “THAT WASN’T EVEN FUNNY” Jesper: “bro I sent a vine of a guy falling into a dumpster 2 hours ago and you said ‘not balance’” Yuki: “You seek laugh too loud. Not real laugh.” Milos: “I sent a TikTok of a goat in a Ferrari and you LEFT ME ON SEEN.” Yuki: “Goat have no soul.”
—
Sam (trying again): sends Shrek playing saxophone Yuki: “You no funny.” Sam: “🧍🏼♂️ok then”
—
Sven: sends a photo of a frog with the caption “me after gym” Yuki: “Same. Frog know pain. Frog understand.”
—
Jens: “SAY IT WITH UR CHEST YUKI. JUST ADMIT HE’S YOUR FAVORITE” Yuki: typing... Yuki: “I no favorite. I only peace.” Jesper: “that’s literally favoritism in haiku format.”
—
Yuki’s Favorite Meme Ranking (secretly saved in Notes app):
Sven’s frog after gym
Sven’s Pikachu late train
Sven holding a matcha latte and saying “zen”
Sven just standing
Sven saying “ok”
—
🥇 1. Sven sent a cat wearing wooden clogs. Everyone else: reacts with 😭😂🤣 Yuki: “Subeni-chan… this cat. Dutch soul. Zen walk.” Sam: “I’m literally gonna set myself on fire.”
🥈 2. Jesper sent a video of Jens sleep-talking “Jesper no don’t eat my cleats.” Yuki: “Unbalanced.” Tijjani: “WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!” Sven: posts a picture of a cucumber on a plate labeled “dinner” Yuki: “Simple. Like life. You understand.”
🥉 3. Milos sent a meme of SpongeBob lifting weights with sausage arms. Yuki: “You try hard. But no funny.” Sven: posts selfie holding a sad banana Yuki: “Pain. Beauty. Art.”
-
Sam tried SO HARD with an elaborate Shrek x Fast & Furious crossover meme. Yuki: “Try less. Peace is not effort.” Sven: sends Minion saying “I like trains” Yuki: “I like you.”
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Jens sent a meme of Jesper in training with the caption “He fall down go boom.” Yuki: “No boom. Only fall. No balance.” Jesper: “Zen stop judging my collapse.” Sven: posts sock puppet saying “good morning” Yuki: “Subeni-chan always say good morning to universe.”
-
Jesper sent a live photo of Jens snoring and muttering “I love him” in sleep. Yuki: “That’s trauma. Not meme.” Sven: sends meme that says “me at 3am: i am a potato” Yuki: “Potato of enlightenment.”
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Sam’s dad emailed him a meme from 2010. Sam forwards it. Yuki: “Your dad need inner peace.” Sven: draws stickman comic in MS Paint of frog meditating Yuki: “Subeni-chan… he channel frog.”
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Tijjani posted his gym selfie with “rise and grind” text. Yuki: “You rise too loud.” Sven: sends blurry photo of his gym sock falling off Yuki: “Gravity is truth.”
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Jesper tried to bait him with “Yuki I found zen” meme. Yuki: “You found stress.” Sven: sends a baby picture of himself with his dog. Yuki: “You were born with peace.”
🔟 10. Everyone tried at once. A whole 7-slide meme war. Yuki: “Too noisy. Me go rest.” 30 minutes later… Sven: sends gif of a koala blinking slowly Yuki: “I return. For you.”
Bonus: Everyone’s groupchat usernames got changed.
Sven: 🌿Subeni-chan💚
Everyone else: baka1, baka2, baka3…
THE HOLY TRINITY OF SUFFERING:
Jens and Jesper – public display of delusion (PDD)
Yuki and Sven – public display of favoritism (PDF)
Sam, Tijjani, Milos, and sometimes Jesper when he's not being fed grapes by Jens – public display of why-the-hell-do-we-hang-out-with-these-people (PDWTHDWHOWTP)
Here. You want more? BUCKLE UP FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF “Zen loves Sven, Jen loves Jes, and the rest of us cry at night”:
Scene: Post-training smoothie bar. Jesper: sits on Jens' lap Sam: “Okay but we’re in public.” Jesper: “So is your wealth, and you never hide that.” Tijjani: “Louder.”
Yuki orders 7 matcha lattes. Yuki: hands 1 to Sven Tijjani: “Where’s mine?” Yuki: “You didn’t earn.” Milos: “Earn?? What’s the Sven achievement system?!”
Groupchat, 9:43pm Jesper: “jens said i’m his serotonin. jens tell them 🥺” Jens: “He’s my serotonin.” Sam: “Call me bleach because I can’t see anymore.” Tijjani: “CALL ME THE GRIM REAPER THEN.” Yuki: only responds to Sven’s meme of a fish holding a flower Yuki: “That fish is me. The flower is you.”
Milos once tried to sabotage the system. Milos: “Sven’s not even funny, look!” posts Sven’s meme of a duck in a turtleneck Everyone: 🤨 Yuki: “You jealous. Duck is pure.”
They tried to do a Secret Santa. Jens got Jesper. Jesper got Jens. Yuki got Sven. Sven got Yuki. Tijjani: “I got Sam. Sam got Milos. Milos got me.” Sam: “We’re the triangle of trauma.”
During yoga. Coach: “Focus on your breath.” Jesper (whispering): “Jens I’m focusing on your breath 😍” Coach: “Get out.” Yuki (whispering to Sven): “Your breath is calm. Like lake.” Tijjani: “I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HEAR ONE MORE ZEN LINE—”
Movie night. Jens and Jesper cuddling under one blanket. Yuki and Sven sharing matcha mochi. Sam: “Do you think we could ever be the favorite?” Tijjani: “In what world.” Milos: “Definitely not this one. Maybe reincarnation.”
Final blow: Jesper changed the groupchat name to "Zen & Jensper: the 4-man fanclub" Sam left the chat. Tijjani left the chat. Milos left the chat. Yuki added them all back and sent a photo of Sven with a peace sign.
THE OFFICIAL YUKI-ISMS DICTIONARY (Compiled by Milos. Approved by Sven. Annotated by Sam in Comic Sans with glitter stickers.)
"Me no do." Translation: I’m not doing that. Example: Sam: “Can someone get the door?” Yuki: “Me no do. Sven do.”
"I forget but I know I forget, so I remember." Translation: I totally forgot, but the awareness of forgetting makes me wise. Example: Jesper: “Bro where’s my charger” Yuki: “In my mind. Not hand. But I remember forget.”
"Sky cry. I join." Translation: It’s raining and I’m vibing with it. Example: Tijjani: “Why are you walking barefoot in the rain?” Yuki: “Sky cry. I join. We bond.”
"Zen is not late. Zen is time." Translation: I’m not late. Time is subjective. Example: Coach: “You’re 12 minutes late to training.” Yuki: “Zen is not late. Zen is time.” Coach stares. Sven nods solemnly.
"You funny but not Yuki laugh funny." Translation: That joke was mid. Example: Sam: sends TikTok Yuki: “You funny but not Yuki laugh funny.” Sven: sends a cow meme Yuki: “HAHAHA subeni-chan genius.”
"Sven is my peace." Translation: Sven is my emotional support Dutchman. Example: Milos: “Yuki, who do you like best?” Yuki: staring at Sven eating mochi “Sven is my peace.”
"Grammar is jail." Translation: Rules are fake and I’m free. Example: Tijjani: “You said ‘me is going’, that’s not English.” Yuki: “Grammar is jail. I am zen.”
"Subeni-chan." Translation: Sven, my beloved. The chosen one. Note: No one else gets a cute nickname. Sven does. Even Jesper tried. Failed. Jesper: “Can I be Jespi-kun?” Yuki: “No.”
Bonus Annotation from Sam: “Yuki literally once told me, ‘Sam, you are rich but Sven has my respect. You buy ice cream. Sven is ice cream.’ I didn’t recover.”
📁 1. “matcha is the way” 📸: Sven sitting cross-legged in Yuki’s living room, holding a hand-whisk while Yuki judges his whisking technique. 📝 Caption: “He said ‘Your aura is too Dutch. Calm down.’ I don’t know what that means but I tried.”
📁 2. “subeni-chan receive blessing” 📸: Yuki dramatically placing a mochi on Sven’s head like it’s a crown. 📝 Caption: “Others got one mochi. I got The Chosen Mochi™.”
📁 3. “morning zen sms” 📝 Screenshot of Yuki texting at 6:11am:
“Sun rise. Breath slow. Do not punch Milos. Have mochi. Ganbatte.” 📝 Sven’s reply: “Good morning, king. No punching today.” ❤️ Yuki heart-reacted.
📁 4. “zen speaks. i listen.” 📸: Yuki explaining something extremely serious while holding a teacup upside down. 📝 Caption: “I didn’t understand 70% of the words but I felt the lesson in my bones.”
📁 5. “he laughed at my joke 🥺” 📸: Sven sending a meme. 📸: Yuki replying with “HAHAHAHAHAH SUBENI YOU ARE FUNNY LIKE WIND TICKLE LEAF” 📝 Caption: “I’ve peaked. Don’t talk to me.”
📁 6. “yuki’s playlist (for sven only 😤)” 🎶: Yuki sent a Spotify playlist named “ZEN FOR SUBENI-CHAN” Tracklist includes:
Lo-fi rain sounds
Japanese bamboo flute covers of football chants
A single Danish lullaby 📝 Caption: “He said ‘No one else deserve.’”
📁 7. “the legendary forehead tap” 📸: Mid-practice moment, Yuki tapping Sven’s forehead with two fingers, eyes closed. 📝 Caption: “I have received inner peace and mild concussion.”
📁 8. “zen likes me best and the groupchat is mad” 📸: Screencap of GC
Jesper: “wtf he just called sven the sunrise of his soul??”
Sam: “why not me”
Milos: “i bought him boba last week bro”
Yuki: “You all loud. Sven is quiet. Sven is tea, you are Red Bull.”
📁 9. “i’m zen now too” 📸: Sven sitting in the corner of the locker room doing yoga. Yuki nearby correcting his posture by moving his leg with chopsticks. 📝 Caption: “He said if I master breathing I can ascend. I said ok.”
📁 10. “if zen has a million fans, i am one. if zen has one fan, it is me. if zen has no fans, i am no longer alive.” 📝 Caption under selfie with Sven and Yuki wearing matching yukatas at Yuki’s family dinner. 📸: Sven is holding tea. Yuki is smiling. Everyone else is in the background sulking. Jesper: cropping himself out in protest Milos: blurred, holding sushi with sadness Sam: captioning the groupchat: “i’m not coping i’m crying.”
🔓 SUBFOLDER UNLOCKED: “ZEN SPEAKS. SVEN NODS.” (also known in the groupchat as: “how to ascend without even understanding the language of enlightenment”) Curated by Jesper, who titled it “this is why he gets the mochi.”
📄 1. 🗨️ Yuki: “Anger is like wasabi. Small ok. Too much, cry and die.” 🗨️ Sven: “Real.” 🗨️ Milos: “what does that MEAN??” 🗨️ Jesper: “shhh let the zen boy speak”
📄 2. 🗨️ Yuki: “Subeni-chan has forest spirit. Like deer. But stronger. Also less poop.” 🗨️ Sven: “I try my best.” 🗨️ Sam: “ME TOO WHAT AM I THEN” 🗨️ Yuki: “You are raccoon.”
📄 3. 🗨️ Yuki: “Sometimes moon cry, but still light sky.” 🗨️ Sven: “Yeah.” 🗨️ Tijjani: “ok bro now you're just typing cryptic Pinterest quotes at us” 🗨️ Yuki: “Zen cannot be contained by Pinterest. Pinterest scared of zen.”
📄 4. 🗨️ Yuki: “I don’t trust cloud. Too soft. Like Milos' defending.” 🗨️ Sven: “Hmm true.” 🗨️ Milos: “OKAY???”
📄 5. 🗨️ Yuki: “Eat mochi. Heal heart. Kick ball. Be peace.” 🗨️ Sven: “My mantra now.” 🗨️ Jesper: “why are you TWO like this” 🗨️ Yuki: “You are not mochi-worthy today.”
📄 6. 🗨️ Yuki: “Today I dream I was dragon. Then I woke up. I was not dragon. But I still roar.” 🗨️ Sven: “Never stop roaring.” 🗨️ Sam: “this is a cult” 🗨️ Jesper: “he roars in dutch”
📄 7. 🗨️ Yuki: “Don’t chase wind. Be tree. Let wind come to you.” 🗨️ Sven: “Deep.” 🗨️ Milos: “i’m gonna lose my mind” 🗨️ Sam: “how do you argue with a man who says things like that with a deadpan face”
📄 8. 🗨️ Yuki: “I once meditate so hard I forgot practice time. Coach yell, but I still have inner win.” 🗨️ Sven: “Coach yelled at me too. We win together.” 🗨️ Yuki: “You understand me. Like moon understand tide.” 🗨️ Jesper: “this is pure romanticism I can’t anymore”
📄 9. 🗨️ Yuki: “Language barrier is like river. We still swim. You float best, Subeni.” 🗨️ Sven: “That’s because I’m tall.” 🗨️ Yuki: “Also because your heart has buoyancy.” 🗨️ Sam: “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN”
📄 10. 🗨️ Yuki: “Subeni is my calm in storm. My mochi in sushi tray. My ice in summer tea.” 🗨️ Sven: “You’re my...uh...teacup?” 🗨️ Yuki: “That is highest honor.”
🧂GROUPCHAT FILE #443: "Zen & Sven: Crimes of Favoritism" (subtitle by Milos: “Meanwhile, the rest of us rot in unflavored air”) Jesper went full thesis. Nobody asked. Nobody could stop him. Here's how it went:
🗨️ Jesper: “okay i’m SORRY but we have to talk about it. we HAVE to. it’s a systemic injustice. the favoritism. the exclusive mochi distribution. the zen nods. why does sven get a personalized nickname. where is my honor. where is my mochi. am i not peace-worthy. i’ve meditated ONCE.”
🗨️ Yuki: “Jesper too loud. Zen break.” 🗨️ Jesper: “ok first of all—”
🗨️ Sam: “jesper is jealous again someone get the sad violin” 🗨️ Tijjani: “i’ve BEEN saying. sven gets one weird compliment and yuki’s ready to write haikus. i bring him croissants he says ‘me gluten sad’.”
🗨️ Milos: “he gave sven the last matcha mochi. i brought him FIFA stickers from serbia. he said ‘i no collect sadness’.” 🗨️ Sven: “guys i didn’t do anything 😇” 🗨️ Jesper: “that emoji is war.”
🗨️ Yuki: “Sven smile like soft thunder. Peaceful. But strong.” 🗨️ Sam: “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN”
🗨️ Jesper (again): “soft thunder????? I smile like aggressive rainfall and y’all say i’m annoying 😭” 🗨️ Tijjani: “it’s okay bro u got jens he’s biased enough for both of you”
🗨️ Jens: “👀” 🗨️ Jesper: “you were supposed to defend me” 🗨️ Jens: “i was making tea” 🗨️ Jesper: “go make it for sven too why don’t you 😤”
🗨️ Yuki (final say): “Zen does not explain. Zen knows. Sven is chosen. Rest be noisy.” 🗨️ Milos: “i hate that this is both nonsense and gospel at the same time.”
.......
LET’S BE SO SERIOUS RIGHT NOW:
🌀 Yuki Sugawara and the “English Studies” Urban Legend 🌀
Okay, technically yes—English classes were compulsory for foreign players, especially the young ones. And yes, Yuki had a little folder labeled "English Homework :)" with a turtle sticker on it. And yes, he was often found “studying” it in the Mac Lab, headphones in, repeating phrases like “Excuse me, where is the supermarket?”
BUT.
The real ones knew. That man didn’t need the class. He’d already cracked the English code with the most dangerous weapon of all: anime subtitles, football memes, and sheer willpower. His real education was listening to Jesper and Sam cuss each other out in 5 different emotional registers.
So what was he actually doing in the lab?
🧘🏻♂️ “Me sit. Me vibe. Me improve.”
🐸 “Also me monitor. Because raccoon. And Tijjani. Chaos always.”
Yuki pretended to study English out of politeness and routine. But deep in his monk-like soul, he had decided: Language? A personal challenge. Me versus syntax.
📚🎨 Sven Mijnans: The Peaceful Machine of Alkmaar
Sven, the unbothered, the serene, the “Dutch national husband” himself?
He clocked in like a full-time artist-in-residence. By March 2023, the man had:
- 🎨 Completed 18 numeral painting kits (themes ranged from nature, cats, to a very hauntingly accurate one of Jens and Jesper that no one asked for)
- 📚 Read 23 books (genres included fantasy, biographies, and one mildly inappropriate romance novel Milos accidentally recommended)
- ✍️ Filled 6 journals, all neatly color-coded, each with affirmations like “Today I did not punch Milos. I am proud.”
Everyone else: fighting Pokémon at 3am, chugging matcha, getting slapped with Valorant. Sven? Finished a 600-page epic and watered his plants.
So yeah.
- Yuki pretended to be a student.
- Sven actually was a scholar.
- And Milos? Still whispering “match found” in random corners of the facility like a cursed wind spirit.
BRO. BRO. BROOOOO 😭😭😭 this is the Yuki Sugawara Linguistic Conspiracy™ and it is canon.
Like—nobody ever saw him actually open the textbook. He would sit there, headphones in, peaceful as hell, sipping matcha and gently nodding along to his imaginary lesson like:
🧘♂️ “Me study. Me improve brain.” ☁️ “Me evolve.”
Meanwhile Sam, Tijjani, and Jesper were over there violently trying to pass their certification quizzes, Milos was flipping a water bottle onto Jesper’s laptop, and Sven was on his sixth journal entry titled “Today Yuki Pretended to Study Again.”
And YET.
- Yuki never asked for help with English homework.
- Yuki never seemed stressed about it.
- Yuki never opened his PDF slides more than once per session.
- Yuki still passed the language requirements every year without saying a single normal sentence.
👻 THE VANISHING ACT
The Alkmaar English Class Tuesdays & Thursdays, 7–9PM?
Yes, Sven swore on his knitting needles: He walked Yuki to class twice, held his tea, and saw him go through the door.
But Sven SWEARS that five minutes later, Yuki wasn’t in the room anymore. Just vanished. Like a smoke bomb. No trace. No sound. Just gone.
Sam said maybe Yuki had a shadow clone jutsu. Jesper said “No bro he’s just a myth.” Tijjani said “He’s not real. He’s a concept.”
THE “ME” MYSTERY
Despite years of living in the Netherlands. Despite taking “official classes.” Despite having a 10-man circle of friends fluent in English and Dutch…
Yuki still said things like:
☁️ “Me hungry. Me go.” 🍵 “Me give this. Me hope you like.” 🧘 “Me no trust Milos.”
And somehow? No one corrected him. Ever. Because:
- It was cute.
- It was part of his personal brand.
- They all secretly feared he spoke perfect English but chose violence instead.
THEORY:
Yuki didn’t study English.
Yuki studied how to vibe.
He reverse-engineered a persona and committed to the bit so hard the language bent to his will. If English grammar was a mountain, Yuki walked around it and called it a shortcut.
And honestly? Icon behavior. Legend. Mystery. Myth. Me stan forever.
oh STOP 🥹 because over in Overcooked corner™, while the rest of the lab was in pure chaotic warfare and gunfire and shouting “WHO FLASHED ME?!”— Sven and Yuki’s tiny lil gamer zone was just… the softest pocket of peace on earth ✨🍲💕
Visualize this: Sven's too-big IKEA headset is falling off one ear. Yuki has brought his own mini wireless mouse from Aichi because “this one feels like home.” They sit close—knee to knee—on the same side of the table. Always.
Round starts: Yuki: “We make soup. Me chop. You pot.” Sven: “Yes chef.” (he says it every time. he means it every time.)
Yuki runs around like a focused tiny squirrel—chop chop chop—throws an onion across the map. Sven somehow always catches it. They laugh every single time like it’s a miracle from god.
Meanwhile:
-
Sven keeps burning the rice. Yuki never yells. Just: “No worry. We do again.”
-
Sven panics: “I threw the fish in the bin by accident??” Yuki: “Fish need rest. We give break.”
-
Sven: (softly) “You’re very calm.” Yuki: (smiles gently) “Soup not war. We win when we smile.”
Sometimes when the round ends and they only get 1 star, Sven gets really apologetic like "I ruined the whole round I'm so sorry I’m a failure of a sous chef"
And Yuki just gently nudges his arm and says: “No. You help me. I have fun when with you.”
🥹🥹🥹
Outside their sacred bubble, Sam is punching Tijjani. Jesper is screaming “I HAVE SPIKE WHO TOOK MY SKIN?” Milos is upside down. And over in the corner, Sven and Yuki?
Still smiling. Still chopping onions. Still quietly holding the world together with a pot of soup and 2 stars. 🍜💕
YESSSS 🍳✨ this was legendary behavior from Chef Yuki™️, spiritual leader of Alkmaar 22/23 and lowkey the glue holding everyone together (with rice and chopsticks and sheer vibes).
🥢 YUKI’S HOME KITCHEN
Every week, like clockwork:
📢 Yuki in the GC: “Me cooking. Come if want.” 📢 Sam: “Be there in 10.” 📢 Milos: “Do u have Coke Zero” 📢 Jesper: “Do u have vibes” 📢 Tijjani: “We bring dessert” (no one asked) 📢 Jens: “On our way” (already in the car with Jesper) 📢 Sven: “🥰”
🧑🍳 THE SACRED RULES OF YUKI’S KITCHEN:
- You could enter.
- You could eat.
- You could even dance (he liked it).
- BUT YOU 👏 DO 👏 NOT 👏 HELP 👏 UNLESS 👏 YOUR 👏 NAME 👏 IS 👏 SVEN.
Why? Because:
- Milos tried to “season” things with Monster Energy that one time.
- Tijjani put raw onions into Yuki’s matcha pancakes.
- Jesper wandered in, stole a shrimp, and left.
- Sam said, “Are we eating low-carb tonight?” and got banned for 2 hours.
- Jens kissed Jesper against the fridge and knocked over miso paste.
Yuki: “No help. No touch. Sit down. Be cute.”
Sven? 💅 The only one allowed in the kitchen. He peeled things. Stirred gently. Was quiet and smiled a lot.
Yuki once said to Sven:
“You have soft soul. Good knife energy. You stay.” And Sven never bragged, but he wore that quote like a badge of honor forever.
🧆 The Meals? OH THEY SLAPPED.
- Korean BBQ one night.
- Nigerian jollof the next (Sam got emotional).
- Sushi rolls with hand-rolled perfection.
- Balkan stuffed peppers (Milos was banned from naming them).
- Swedish meatballs for Jens.
- Spaghetti alla Jesper (it was just butter and sadness but Yuki pretended it was gourmet).
And every time?
The boys invited themselves. Like little raccoons.
Yuki: “Me didn’t say come.” Jesper, already taking off shoes: “U said me can come if me want.” Milos: “I brought cake. It’s half eaten.” Jens: “We brought vibes.” Sam: “We brought nothing.”
Alkmaar 22/23: home is where Yuki’s stove is. And the food? Healed every heartbreak. Even when Jesper was being evil. Even when Jens was sick. Even when Milos was being Milos.
And if you were good? Yuki packed you leftovers in little boxes with smiley faces on them.
🥹✨ Perfect human. No notes.
CHEF YUKI’S DIVINE DINING EXPERIENCES (aka Bubbly Boys Ruin My Life™️):
Here are top cursed & blessed nights from the Alkmaar 22/23 Chef Yuki Culinary Era—where Yuki delivered absolute gastronomic transcendence, and the boys paid him back with chaos, crumbs, and emotional damage.
🍛 1. The Night of The Ramen Purge™️
Cuisine: Japanese homemade ramen (bro hand-kneaded noodles. hours of simmered broth.) Atmosphere: Peaceful jazz, candles, slippers at the door. Problem: Jesper said it was “too hot” and tried to blow on the bowl from across the table, ended up spitting into Jens’ noodles. Milos: “Can I have mine with Coke Zero instead of broth?” Sam: “I don’t eat carbs after 6.” Tijjani: “Do you have Maggi cubes?” Yuki, smiling but dying inside: “Me only invite Sven next time.”
🌮 2. Taco Tuesday Gone Rogue™️
Cuisine: Mexican street tacos. Hand-pressed tortillas. Fresh everything. Vibe: Boys showed up in sombreros. Milos brought store-bought salsa and tried to season meat “like TikTok showed me.” Jesper: Turned his taco into a sculpture called "The Tower of Meat". It collapsed onto Jens' lap. Jens: Spent 12 minutes trying to wipe off salsa from his tattoos. Sven: Calmly ate 6 tacos and said “mmm.” Yuki: “Never again. Never taco again. Only Sven taco.”
🍢 3. Korean BBQ Hell™️
Cuisine: Bulgogi, ssam, sizzling hot plates, sides galore. Rules from Yuki: “Cook your own meat gently. Respect the fire.” Milos: Cranked the grill to HELL MODE and burned four slices of beef to the void. Sam and Tijjani: Had a meat-flipping contest using chopsticks as catapults. Jesper: Sat on Jens’ lap and fed him rice like it was a K-drama. Yuki: “Me dream of peace. Me only let Sven flip.”
🍝 4. Italian Night: Pain Edition™️
Cuisine: Homemade pasta. Truffle oil. Aged parmesan. Event: Sam’s idea. Jesper pre-gamed with half a bottle of wine and showed up tipsy. Jesper: Called the tagliatelle “worm vibes” but ate three bowls. Jens: Tried to help but grated parmesan directly into his palm. Milos: Asked for ketchup. Yuki, cleaning sauce off his ceiling at midnight: “Me move. Me change name. Sven come with me.”
🥟 5. The Dumpling Debacle™️
Cuisine: Chinese dumplings. Perfect folds. Steamed with love. Goal: Peaceful night, everyone helps fold. Milos: Made 3 dumplings shaped like Pokémon. One exploded. Tijjani: Ate raw dough. Claimed it was “for gut strength.” Jesper and Jens: Kept kissing instead of folding. Sam: Said “We should order pizza as backup.” Yuki: “Me pack Sven dumpling. Others banned.”
🫕 6. Fondue Night Disaster™️
Cuisine: Swiss fondue. Yuki found rare cheeses. Invitation said: “Formal attire. Quiet joy.” Reality: Milos wore his ugliest slumber party pyjamas. Jesper and Sam: Had a cheese duel. Stabbed each other with forks (lightly). Jens: Said he felt lactose intolerant halfway through but kept going for Jesper. Tijjani: Dropped his bread in the pot 7 times. Yuki: “Only Sven may dip. The rest of you? No cheese for life.”
🧘 BONUS: The Only Peaceful Night
Cuisine: Japanese curry Attendance: Just Yuki and Sven. They painted while it cooked. Ate in silence. Drank tea. Sven: Said thank you. Cleaned the dishes. Yuki: Smiled the whole time. “This. This is heaven.”
To this day, the groupchat gets random Yuki texts that say:
“Only Sven invited this week.” “You bring curse.” “Me forgive but me not forget.”
And still?? The bubbly boys keep showing up. With empty stomachs. Full hearts. And no boundaries.
EXACTLY. that was the dichotomy of Chef Yuki™️:
🌸 Inner peace, balanced nutrition, aesthetic meals plated like Michelin stars VS 🌀 The absolute swirling chaos of six barefoot sons breaking into his home like it's a weekly tradition
Every single day, without fail:
🥢 Yuki, texting Sven at 9:41 AM:
“Me cook Thai green curry today. With tofu. Bring own tupperware.”
🌆 Instagram Story goes up at 6:02 PM: 📸 Overhead shot of gorgeous curry on ceramic plate, chopsticks placed neatly, Alkmaar canal view in the background 🖋️ Caption:
"Me cook this tonight 🍛" ✨ Tilted 60° 🪩 Pixelated filter 💬 Text font? Comic Sans or bust.
🌍 Highlight Reel Title: “Chef Yuki 🌐” Inside:
- Korean jjigae.
- Ethiopian injera.
- Swedish meatballs.
- Indonesian rendang.
- One post just titled “me try spicy 💀”
Meanwhile…
🧦 The Bubbly Boys, on instinct like migratory birds:
- Already barefoot by the door
- Jesper: sniffing the air like a raccoon
- Sam: “Smells like lemongrass and trauma healing”
- Milos: “I didn’t even open the groupchat today, how did I end up here”
- Tijjani: poking tofu and going “what animal is this”
- Jens: carrying Jesper like a wounded war hero because “his legs weak from gym”
- Sven: already in the kitchen doing dishes without being asked
And Yuki?? ☯️ Serene on the outside. 🌋 Screaming in his soul. Still opens the door. Still plates extra portions. Still complains. Still cooks.
“Me say only Sven. But me soft. Me let all eat again.”
God-tier hospitality. Unpaid emotional labor. Michelin-starred resilience. CHEF. 👏 YUKI. 👏 FOREVER.
ME BOW TOO 🙇♀️🙇♂️‼️
Yukinari S., born of peace and protein, first of his name, last of his kind, defender of left flanks, slayer of enemy wingers, chef of ten thousand dishes, speaker of riddles, carrier of bento boxes, and romantic lead of one (1) wholesome domestic slowburn with Sven M., Dutch National Husband™
This man?? Was the true Hokage of Alkmaar 22/23:
🍱 Cooked with the precision of a sushi master and the soul of an anime grandma. 🧼 Cleaned up everyone’s emotional mess like a zen janitor with a heart of gold. 🎮 Only played Overcooked with Sven because “me no like shoot game. me just make food.” 🪨 Defended like he had a clan name to restore and a nation to protect. 📚 Studied English like it was a sacred oath—still told Jens “no cry over spilled milk, sun rise again” when he had a mental breakdown at gym.
Yuki texting Sven:
"Me home. U come over for stew?"
Sven, already halfway there with flowers he picked off the road:
"On my way 🙂"
Meanwhile the rest of the bubbly boys?
- Jesper: doing somersaults in the hallway
- Milos: raiding the rice cooker
- Sam: holding a glass of wine he brought for no reason
- Tijjani: judging the spice level
- Jens: helping Jesper stretch his legs because “he said he’s sore from sitting down too fast”
Yuki:
“Me not invite u.” Still hands them chopsticks.
Legend says he once tackled someone so clean they thanked him in three languages. Legend says when he sliced onions, they didn’t cry—they apologized. Legend says if you touch the edge of his bento box, your spirit is instantly cleansed.
Hokage Yuki. Spiritual leader of the chaotic brotherhood. Protector of peace. Chef of dreams. 🧎♂️🧎♀️🧎♂️🧎♀️ WE ARE NOT WORTHY.
OF COURSE SVEN WON. 😭😭
The Miss Grand Yuki 2023 Pageant was real, chaotic, rigged by destiny, and judged solely by Yukinari “me not like favoritism… but also me love Sven 💕” Sugawara.
THE FINALISTS:
👑 Jesper K. – Talent portion: screamed the Danish national anthem while doing backflips in a Pikachu onesie. 👑 Sam B. – Wore a Versace apron and served Yuki sushi rolls made by his private chef (and pretended he made them). 👑 Tijjani R. – Brought PowerPoint slides on why he was the most cultured and should be Yuki's favorite ("slide 9: friendship ROI graph"). 👑 Milos K. – Said “if I win can I get a bento box every Thursday?” and then did a Fortnite dance. 👑 Jens O. – Didn’t participate but brought Yuki a protein bar and said “for your gains bro,” so he got 4th place by default.
And then…
🥇 SVEN M. – Walked in with zero prep, gave Yuki a handmade friendship bracelet, and said “I missed you. How’s your mom?”
Yuki:
"Sven win."
THE BUBBLY BOYS: SCREAMING
"WHY HIM? WHY ALWAYS HIM?!" Jesper: “I literally backflipped!!” Tijjani: “I brought graphs.” Sam: “MY APRON WAS SILK!!” Milos: “This is racism against Gen Z.”
Yuki:
"Me like Sven. He peace."
Because of course he did.
- Sven never spoke too loud
- Never judged Yuki’s fermented tofu experiments
- Always remembered to bring his own slippers when he came over
- Texted “good night” after every meal with a little “🌙” emoji
- Sat next to Yuki during Overcooked and calmly said “you’re doing amazing” even when they burned the rice for the 3rd time
The rest of the bubbly boys? LOUD. CHAOTIC. UNHINGED. Sven? The tranquil lake in the middle of an earthquake.
Legend says if you asked Yuki about it, he’d just blink slow and go:
“Me no know. Me just feel… Sven is home.” 🥹💔
AND THE REST OF THEM HAD TO SIT WITH THAT. Still showed up to the next dinner anyway.
EXACTLY. this is what the bubbly boys called "The Sven Effect™" and they were all SICK of it.
🧠 TIJJANI (raging in his room): “i took a buzzfeed quiz to see what cuisine yuki should try next. i SCHEDULED MY TEXTS. and this man wins just by existing???”
😭 JESPER (arms crossed on the floor): “he said good night with a 🌙 and suddenly he’s the heir to yuki’s tofu dynasty.”
👀 MILOS (with popcorn): “ngl i don’t even care but i do wanna be invited back to dinner.”
👑 SAM (scrolling through his own instagram): “i literally called yuki my ✨chef soulmate✨ and he LEFT ME ON READ. this is nepo privilege. sven is yuki’s nepo baby.”
BUT NO ONE COULD DENY:
- Sven always remembered it was Tuesday or Thursday like he had an internal Yuki calendar installed in his soul.
- Sven offered to carry the groceries before Yuki could even say “hello.”
- Sven cut vegetables like a Michelin sous-chef and wiped the counter clean after.
- Sven always sat with Yuki on the same side of the table, like it was their default alignment.
And when the rest of the boys were kicking over chairs or screaming over burnt lasagna, Sven would quietly lean over and say:
“You did really well today. You’ve gotten faster at chopping onions.”
AND THAT WAS IT. YUKI WOULD ASCEND. THE GODS WOULD SING.
Yuki, texting the groupchat after the Miss Grand Yuki competition:
“Thanks all for try. Me appreciate. But me choose Sven.”
And then, just to salt the wound: 🖼️ Instagram Story: A blurry plate of food, Yuki’s hand holding it with the view of Alkmaar at sunset, captioned:
“Me and Sven dinner 😊🍲💛”
Everyone else? logged off. Jesper almost rage-ate one of Yuki’s pickled eggs.
Because Sven M. was the chosen one. Not loud. Not trying. Just Sven. And that was enough. 😭💕
STOP 😭😭😭 you're gonna make the whole of Alkmaar 22/23 start sobbing again because YES—
Sven M. was not just the national husband. He was the UN ambassador of kindness, the president of quiet support, the CEO of “I’ll walk you there” energy.
🫶🏼 Yuki, softly, every Tuesday and Thursday: “Me… lucky.”
🕊️ Sven didn’t just help. He noticed.
- Noticed when Yuki’s sentences got shorter because the English lessons were hard that day.
- Noticed when the new recipe didn’t work and Yuki was disappointed, so he just said, “Let’s try again. I’ll wash the dishes first.”
- Noticed that being far from home sometimes meant you just wanted someone to sit next to you and not say anything at all.
And the thing is—Sven never made it a spectacle. He didn’t post it. He didn’t announce it. He just showed up. Every time.
“I’ll meet you at the canteen. Don’t forget your folder.” “That curry smelled amazing. I’d eat it every week if you made it.” “Your mom would be proud of you today. I’m proud of you too.”
Meanwhile the rest of the bubbly boys are wailing in the group chat:
😭 Jesper: "HE WINS EVERY CATEGORY WITHOUT EVEN ENTERING THE PAGEANT." 🤡 Milos: "can i just hold his hand for 3 minutes. for academic support." 💅 Tijjani: "idc. yuki said my chicken was good once. i won too."
But deep down they all knew: ✨ Sven was Yuki’s quiet home in a loud world. ✨ The person who reminded him he didn’t have to be loud to be seen. ✨ The one who treated his culture like it was normal, not foreign.
Sven M. — national husband. international treasure. the silent reason Yuki never felt alone in Alkmaar. 😭❤️
BRO. ON. HINDSIGHT.
YUKI AND SVEN WERE THE FINAL BOSSES. Not Milos. Not Jesper. Not even swampy Sven in a panic. No. These two were the masterminds—the Team Rocket Executives behind it all.
👹 Yuki, secret Pokémon warlord from Aichi:
-
Fluent in Pokémon stats, fluent in dodging Jens.
-
When Jens cornered him in the kitchen:
“Yuki. Did you give Jesper that Lure Module?” “Me… sorry. No understand you say. Me cook rice.” (He was holding the exact Pokémon Go email open on his phone.)
-
Had a folder titled "Jesper's Emergency PokéGear" with band-aids, incense, and a collapsible net.
-
Once gave Jesper a bug-catching headlamp and said,
“From home. You warrior now.”
🦒 Sven: tall, gentle, and the actual Pokémon Go demon.
-
Had a team level of 43.
-
Couldn’t say no to anyone under 1.75m.
-
Jesper just showed him a rare spawn, whispered "please 🥺" and that was it. He was IN.
-
Once caught a Lapras in his towel after midnight and swore it was the best moment of his life.
-
When Jens asked if he was helping them sneak out, Sven said:
“I thought we were just bonding 😢” Came back with his ankle wrapped in a wet sock and an apology bouquet for Jens.
💬 Groupchat – 3:40AM
Sam:
BRO they’re out again. i can hear yuki yelling “ULTRA BALL!!” from the balcony. i’m not getting involved but like… also i’m screen recording this for science.
Tijjani:
swear to god they made sven tank a Snorlax. also milos borrowed my powerbank. i want compensation.
Jens:
i’m going to duct tape jesper to the mattress.
💋 Jesper, returning from a ‘short walk’ that lasted 2 hours, shoeless, with two caterpie plushies, and 48% mosquito density:
- “Hi baby 😘 miss me?”
- Starts rapidfire kissing Jens like a Pokémon trying to use Love Bomb Lv.100**
- “Sorry for the bites teehee 🥺 but we found a Gengar 🥺 also look! Sven twisted his ankle 🥺”
Jens, massaging his temples like a war general:
- “Do you even like Pokémon, or is this a cult now?”
- “WHY IS YUKI WEARING GYM LEADER COSPLAY??”
- “SVEN YOU’RE WEARING MY CROCS—”
- “MILOS IF YOU TOUCH HIM ONE MORE TIME—”
- “TIJJANI AND SAM KEEP SNITCHING AND I CAN’T EVEN BRIBE THEM TO STOP”
🥹 Jesper:
“But baby… me soft. me small. me itchy. me give u love.”
Jens:
Applying \$220 after-bite cream in silence. Still muttering Danish curses while doing it.
Conclusion: It was never just the Pokémon. It was the ecosystem. Jesper? Cute chaos raccoon. Milos? The bait. Yuki and Sven? The generals of the underworld. Tijjani and Sam? Moral support (for Jens) + TMZ paparazzi. Jens? Trapped in a never-ending loop of Bug-type emotional trauma and the world's softest thighs in short shorts.
And honestly? We were all the Snorlax in their path.
LITERALLY YUKI LOGIC. that’s exactly how bro talks. philosophers study it. google translate cries trying to keep up.
🧘♂️ Yuki's Inner Dialogue, probably:
“Sven... tall. good soul. protect. Homosexual relationship… warm idea. But then… Sven snore. Sven forget charger. Me no want toothbrush next to his. Me love. But me no love love. Me pick… option C: walk together forever. in peace.”
💁🏻♂️ Milos, unbothered, chewing cereal at 10pm:
“Okay but imagine if you kissed and then went to IKEA.”
Sven, hearing it from across the room:
“Wait wait wait WHAT IF WE DID go to IKEA. but not kiss?? just sit in display bed. play house.”
Yuki: “...me no understand. but yes.”
Meanwhile Sam’s documenting it all with a voice memo titled:
“Why all of us are freaks but only Jenjes are allowed to be feral freaks”
Jesper in the corner drinking one sip of water:
“Literally I am the blueprint.”
And Jens, from the kitchen, whispering:
“You’re my disaster but I love you.”
The rest of the bubbly boys? Staring into the sunset like:
“Thank god we're not them.” “But also thank god they exist.”
YUKI SAW THE RUMORS. YUKI HEARD THE WHISPERS. but when someone finally asked:
👀 Yuki blinked slowly, tilted his head, and replied:
“Me think… homo? maybe yes. but… no kiss. Me just love Sven. Sven is soft. Like tofu. Or fresh futon. Me hold Sven, not date Sven. Me want Sven to be happy. Not… trapped.”
Silence fell upon the land.
🧍♂️ Sven, meanwhile, was halfway into a bag of paprika chips like:
“Oh?? I mean… I love Yuki too. But like… he’s my leaf village y’know? If we kissed it would be like… kissing my zen. Can’t kiss your zen. That’s a sin in Netherlands probably.”
📸 The Bubbly Boys, watching this unfold, furiously live-tweeting:
“Yuki just invented a whole new category of love.” “Sven said ‘no homo but I’d die for him.’” “What’s the word for when u want to become someone’s floor mat out of loyalty but not passion??”
💁🏻♂️ Tijjani whispered to Sam:
“Okay but like… if they’re not gay then what the hell are we doing???”
Sam: “We’re queer-coded but too busy being iconic.”
In summary: Yuki and Sven? Not dating. Not even flirting. But if Yuki could reincarnate as a hoodie, he’d pick one Sven wore after scoring a goal.
And Sven? Would trust Yuki to delete his search history and pick the flowers at his wedding.
It’s not gay. It’s ✨BUBBLY SOULMATE LORE✨.
EXACTLY. You get it. You see it.
Yuki and Sven were not dating. They were just in a completely committed life-partnered soul-spirit companionship forged in broken English, matcha drinks, shared AirPods, and forehead touches.
📖 YUKI'S NIGHTLY ROUTINE: • Check the match schedule ✅ • Find Sven ✅ • Buy matcha ✅ • Save seat ✅ • Exist beside Sven like it’s a sacred duty ✅
🧘 "Me feel peace. Me near Sven. Me not question."
🧠 SVEN’S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE:
"I don’t really understand… but when Yuki saves me a seat, my head feels less heavy. When he pats my head I think… maybe life not so hard today."
He said that once. Out loud. Then stared into the void for 8 minutes straight.
🏟️ WHEN SVEN SCORED: Yuki leapt up so fast his crocs nearly flew off. He didn’t even cheer—just turned around to find Sven’s parents in the stands and said,
“That your son. Me proud too.”
Sven’s dad cried.
🥲 THE BUBBLY BOYS SAID:
“Bro they’re not dating but I would kill for a relationship like that.” “Sven is Yuki’s weighted blanket with knees.” “It’s giving ‘emotional marriage.’” “What is this? A Studio Ghibli romance?”
In conclusion: Not boyfriends. Not even close. But Yuki once wrote Sven’s name in kanji on a sticky note and said, “me put here. near heart.” And Sven kept it in his locker.
It’s not love. It’s YUKIVEN.™️
ALKMAAR 22/23: THE BUBBLY BOYS SAW IT WITH THEIR OWN EYES.
Sven and Yuki? That was a whole different frequency. Not romantic. Not platonic. Not spiritual. It was Yukilogical. And no one was invited.
🧋 A TYPICAL YUKIVEN DAY:
Morning: – “Sven, me find bird. Look pretty.” – “Oh wow, yeah that is pretty.” – They stare at the same pigeon for 6 minutes. – “Me think bird have girlfriend.” – “Good for bird.”
Lunch: – Sven peels Yuki’s orange for him. – Yuki buys Sven a weird Japanese vitamin drink. – “Is this safe?” – “No idea. But me feel strong now.” – “Okay.”
Afternoon walk: – “Me learn new English word today. ‘Yearn.’” – “What does it mean?” – “It mean me want ice cream but with more feeling.”
🍵 THINGS THEY TALKED ABOUT:
- Clouds ("Me think this one Sven shape.")
- Existential fear of IKEA instructions.
- Bird loyalty ("Pigeon always come back. Like Sven.")
- Match tactics but in proverbs. – Yuki: “When frog jump in pond, must check wind.” – Sven: nods solemnly “Facts.”
💬 THINGS THEY SAID TO EACH OTHER THAT MADE MILOS GO “??? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN”
- “Me think Sven like calm storm.”
- “Yuki is the aircon of my brain.”
- “You my lucky stick today.”
- “Together, we small village.”
🍱 MEANWHILE THE REST OF THE BUBBLY BOYS:
Sam: “They’ve been sitting in silence for 20 minutes.” Tijjani: “Yeah but it’s intentional silence. It’s like… layered.” Jesper: “Sven just touched Yuki’s forehead and whispered something about destiny.” Milos: “Yuki once called Sven his ‘emergency snack’ and I still don’t know what that means.” Jens: “They high on herbal tea. I don’t trust it.”
📸 SPOTTED BY A BOY: Yuki and Sven sitting at the canal’s edge, fishing with a stick and a shoelace. No fish. Just vibes.
Yuki: “We not need catch. We already win.”
Sven: smiles like a sunflower came to life
They didn’t need an audience. They didn’t need language. They just needed a bench. A drink. A pocket of time where the world went quiet. They were never boyfriends. But they were always something more than friends.
YUKIVEN NATION RISE 🍵💙
ABSOLUTELY YES. ✨ This is peak Yuki-in-his-“protect my himbo husband’s feelings or perish”-era. Alkmaar 22/23 was a chaotic fantasy sitcom and this episode was called: “Art & Intimidation: The Frog of God.”
Scene: Bubbly Boys' Common Room, 7pm.
The gang was chilling. Jesper was wrapped in a hoodie like a raccoon in hibernation. Milos was upside down on the sofa scrolling TikTok. Jens was painting Jesper’s nails. Sam and Tijjani were bickering about something useless like soy milk.
Then—
Yuki, holding Sven’s hand, eyes sharp like a jujutsu sensei: “Boys. We come here for purpose.”
The room went silent. You do not mess with a serious Yuki.
Yuki (dead calm, yet terrifying): “Sven paint. Now he show. You clap. Say he paint beautiful. Or me haunt you forever. Understand? Sven. Talk.”
Sven (blushing, holding up a canvas): “So… uh… this is a frog. But not like… a regular frog. It’s kind of… godlike? He sits on a lilypad. But also the universe. You see?”
The frog was green. With glitter. It had stars for eyes. There were clouds behind it. It wore a crown.
Jesper (mouth half full of boba): “...Oh. God frog.” Sam (blinking): “That frog has aura.” Milos (serious): “It’s staring into my soul.” Jens: “It’s a holy creature. I feel like apologizing to it.” Tijjani (nervous laugh): “Do frogs go to heaven or do they just become it?” Yuki (nodding slowly): “Yes. God frog. No normal frog. Why no clap?”
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 (applause erupts instantly from sheer fear of disappointing Yuki.)
Later, in the groupchat:
Milos: “god frog update: staring at me again” Jesper: “he’s judging u bitch.” Sam: “frog saw what u did last summer” Yuki: “sven put god frog on wall. now kitchen protected.”
Yuki didn’t raise his voice. He raised vibrations. The frog? Sacred. The applause? Mandatory. The love for Sven’s art? Eternal. 🐸👑🎨
ALKMAAR 22/23: where fear and affection came hand in hand.
YESSSSSSSSS EXACTLY. 😭👏🏻
Alkmaar 22/23 was many things—chaotic, homoerotic, medically concerning—but it was also a small artisanal Renaissance village with one 1.90m Dutch himbo painting frogs and clay cups in peace… guarded by one deadly calm Japanese sage who would haunt you in your dreams if you so much as breathed wrong near Sven’s creative expression.
The Vibe?
Sven: peacefully molding a lopsided clay mug. Tongue out in concentration. Covered in paint. Doesn't know he's a genius. Yuki: standing behind him like an emotionally charged sniper. Jesper: whispering “is that mug… melting?” Yuki: “me heard that.” Sam: backing away “I didn’t say shit I SWEAR—” Jens: “we appreciate it. deeply. it’s beautiful. babe, clap. now.” Jesper: slow clap while sipping boba
Yuki at Team Dinner (after Sven revealed a garden gnome statue he painted like a medieval knight): Yuki, with zero irony: "this gnome bring peace to world. sven make peace. boys say thank u or I unplug TV. forever."
Milos: “why does this gnome have abs” Tijjani: “why is the gnome holding a sword made of toothpick” Yuki: “he warrior. gnome of discipline.”
In the groupchat later:
🧙🏻♂️ Yuki: “boys. sven sculpt. now he bake. he make plate. you eat only on that plate. you drop it, you dead.” 👶🏻 Milos: “so if i accidentally break it???” 🧙🏻♂️ Yuki: “no accident. only karma.”
Sven kept creating. Genuinely got better. Made the squad matching ashtrays even though half of them didn’t smoke. Made Yuki a brush holder with his name in Japanese (badly written but heart was there). Made Jens and Jesper a weird-shaped, heart-colored bowl. Made Milos a… suspiciously tiny haunted baby figure.
Yuki kept protecting. Like a PTO mom and also a spiritual assassin.
Alkmaar 22/23: a season of sports, love, IBS, and the blooming of an artist, force-fed love and validation by a boy who just wanted peace. 🎨💘👺
OH. OH I GOT YOU. This is exactly the kind of unhinged art-violence spiritual threat combo that only Alkmaar 22/23 could deliver. Yuki was the sword. Sven was the brush. Everyone else? Hostages.
Here are the Top 5 Times Sven Created Something Incomprehensible and Yuki Demanded Violent Praise:
1. The Frog Jesus Painting 🐸✝️
- Sven: “I painted a frog… but like, holy.”
- The Canvas: A bright green amphibian with a glowing halo and crucifix in the background, mid-leap over a pond that suspiciously looked like a baptismal font.
- Sam: “Is this frog… dying for our sins?”
- Yuki: “you no laugh. frog bring salvation.”
- Jesper: mouth full of boba “amen frog king”
- Milos: snorted Yuki, instantly: “me give you disease”
2. The Clay Bowl With Human Ears Stuck To It 🥣👂
- Sven: “It’s about listening to others while you eat.”
- Jesper: “That’s literally horrifying.”
- Jens: “Babe. Babe say thank you. Say it’s beautiful. SAY IT.”
- Tijjani: “Can I NOT eat from this?”
- Yuki: “bowl listen. more than you. respect.”
3. “Gnome of Discipline” Garden Statue 🧝🏻♂️⚔️
- Sven: Sculpted a 30cm gnome with six-pack abs, a paintbrush sword, and no eyes. Said it was about “self-control and artistic focus.”
- Sam: “WHY is it making eye contact even though it has no eyes?”
- Milos: “I think it blinked.”
- Yuki: “he watching you. he judge.”
- Everyone: “Thank you Sven. So meaningful. So… intense.”
4. The Ashtray That Looked Like A Crying Mouth 🫦💨
- Sven: “It’s like… addiction. And sorrow. And lips.”
- Tijjani: “Bro this is trauma in ceramic form.”
- Jesper: “If I put my cigarette out here, will it scream?”
- Yuki: “you scream if no thank sven. say thank.”
5. The Personalized Friendship Bracelet That Was 2m Long 🧶
- Sven: “I got carried away. It’s 2 meters of string and love.”
- Jesper: wrapped it around his torso “It’s a rope. It’s a weapon.”
- Jens: “Babe say it’s cute or we’ll get cursed.”
- Sam: “I don’t even wear bracelets, I’m a man.”
- Yuki: calmly pulls out chopsticks and stares at Sam “me say again?”
Bonus Moment:
Jens, once: “I think this one’s actually pretty—”
Yuki: tearing up “he understand. he see soul of sven. jens now me favorite.”
Jesper: “WHAT THE FU—”
Moral of the story?
- Sven created chaos from sincerity.
- Yuki protected it with ruthless spiritual loyalty.
- Everyone else? Clapped politely or died trying.
Alkmaar 22/23: The Boys, The Art, The Sword of God Frog. 🎨🧎♂️🗡️
ABSOLUTELY. Yukinari Sugawara, The Hokage of Alkmaar, Zen Warrior of Aichi, Soccer Mom with a Samurai Spirit, was the ultimate supportive bestie.
Yuki did not play when it came to Sven's joy. He may have spoken like a broken Pokémon NPC, but his love language? Violently pure support.
🫶🏻YUKI: KING OF BESTIES. SVEN'S #1 HYPE MAN. EVER. 👑
🖌️ He took Sven to:
- Painting classes ("me no paint. me watch. sven paint.")
- Pottery workshops ("me make ugly cup. sven say pretty. sven make good bowl. me proud.")
- DIY statue cafés ("me carry big frog statue. sven paint god frog. me cry.")
He even:
- Funded the outings ("me use paywave. no ask. sven must thrive.")
- Packed snacks and water ("sven forget drink. me bring miso. stay hydrated, frog prince.")
💥 AND THE COMPLIMENTS????
- “this frog. he hop with emotion. like sven.”
- “no normal tree. tree of healing. sven made.”
- “sunset painting? no. masterpiece. you no see colors like this outside sven brain.”
Yuki would sit in the back of an art café with both hands on his cheeks, eyes sparkly, while Sven nervously dabbed yellow paint onto a canvas shaped like a duck, and say, “me feel like proud parent.”
🔪 THE THREATS THOUGH???
The rest of the boys could not blink wrong around Sven's work.
-
Jesper: “This one’s a little—” Yuki: narrows eyes “say nice or never find peace again.”
-
Milos: “It’s a bit abstract don’t u think?” Yuki: “you abstract. you don’t even have couch.”
-
Sam: “Okay but like, what is it supposed to be?” Yuki: “is heart. is feeling. is frog. shut up.”
-
Jens: “Babe look, it’s cute—” Yuki: “Jens. always best. 10/10.”
(Then later: Jesper, fuming in the corner: “WHY IS JENS YOUR FAVORITE NOW??”)
🌱 The Reality:
Sven was gentle. Kind. A little clueless. But when he painted? He was free. And Yuki knew that.
He didn’t just want people to see the art. He wanted them to see Sven — the quiet, giant soul behind it.
Because sometimes, Yuki didn’t say it directly. But his love sounded like:
“Me no speak good. but sven... sven masterpiece.”
🧎♂️✨🖼️
Alkmaar 22/23? A group of menace gremlins held hostage by art and the iron will of a tiny supportive samurai. Unmatched. Never for the weak.