🧿 Tijjani R. – The Main Villain ✨ Casually wore gold jewelry while baking.
✨ Once fixed Jesper’s jacket zipper and said, “You need someone like me.”
✨ Genuinely gives good hugs. Smells like oud and destruction.
❌ Once said “I don’t do monogamy unless it’s for fun,” and that cost him votes.
❌ Too powerful. Was immediately labeled “Dutch National Mistress” instead.
🐍 Tijjani R. – Platonic Husband of Sam, Cryptic Flirt Status: Somewhere between “emotionally divorced from Sam” and “accidentally poly.”
Quote: “We’re not dating. We just spiritually argue like we are.”
Everyone thinks he’s mysterious. He’s actually just chaotic and tired.
Flirts by bullying. Compliments you once a month, and it ruins your whole week.
Could get any girl, but somehow all his entanglements end with, “She said I have no soul.”
👉 Romantic arc: Tijjani doesn’t date. Tijjani confuses. He’s like if someone tried to flirt using Morse code and war crimes. Closest to a situationship with Jesper once, but it collapsed under too much chaotic energy. Also... him and Sam? It’s not romantic. It’s platonically legally binding.
YESSSSS 💀💀💀
Jesper and Tijjani = War-forged gamer bros™ — bonded in blood, sweat, and lag since 2020. They survived:
- 57 Valorant losses in a row
- That one FIFA night that ended in tears
- The “controller-yeet” incident of 2021
- A group kick from a Rocket League lobby for “aggressive friendly fire”
And then came... Jens.
📱When Jesper started skipping game nights:
tijjanirrr666: bro before hoes bitch jeppekkk13: im the hoe. sue me tijjanirrr666: you changed jeppekkk13: i am in love tijjanirrr666: you’re weak jeppekkk13: he’s literally 1.88 and cradles my head when i’m sad tijjanirrr666: 🤮🤮🤮 gamenight at 9 or i’m leaking our DMs
👻 On the group VC:
- Jesper: “bro I can’t game tonight we’re making cookies”
- Tijjani: “I KNOW you’re not skipping Valorant for Viking Baking Hour. This is psychological warfare.”
Jens? Trying his best:
- “He’s your best friend, baby, I’m not mad.”
- ...but silently plotting to fake a power outage every Thursday at 8PM.
Eventually it was just:
Tijjani: "You’re literally my rat soulmate but I will sabotage your relationship for a killstreak." Jesper: "And I will accept that with honor."
Because at the end of the day: 💔 Love is fragile. 🕹 But game bros are forever.
OH. MY. GOD. yes.
Tijjani and Jesper = ride-or-die gaming gremlins since 2020, bonded over Valorant trauma, rage-quitting FIFA, and drinking five Red Bulls before 8pm. Theirs was a brotherhood forged in lag spikes and unholy comms. 😤🎮💔
And when Jens the Boyfriend™ entered the chat in 2022? Tijjani saw the threat IMMEDIATELY.
📱 THE CHATLOGS OF DISRESPECT:
tijjanirrr666:
“bro ur ratio’s trash rn. log on.”
jeppekkk13:
“can’t. watching Lord of the Rings with jens 🥺”
tijjanirrr666:
“lord of the LAME. ur betraying me for a 3-hour elf movie??? we were supposed to hit radiant.” “who even IS jens. I don’t trust men who say ‘good morning ❤️’”
jeppekkk13:
“he makes me eggs. sue me.”
tijjanirrr666:
“eggs? BRO. I GAVE YOU HEADSHOTS. EVERY NIGHT. FOR YEARS.” “before jens? we were family.”
And every time Jesper tried to say something reasonable like “I need to spend time with my boyfriend sometimes”, Tijjani hit him with:
“okay but remember who taught you how to wall peek, you little raccoon.” “remember who held you when you ugly-cried after that one FIFA loss in 2021? was it Jens? no. it was ME. with my strong controller hands.”
Jesper: 🧍🏻♂️
🪦 GASLIGHT. GATEKEEP. GAMER.
If Jesper ghosted one game night? Tijjani would call him a fake. A traitor. An NPC. A boyfriend sellout.
Jesper would sit in Jens’ lap, whispering, “I’m being cyberbullied,” while showing him his phone.
Jens (scrolling):
“is that Tijjani calling you a simp gremlin again?” Jesper (nodding): “I deserve it 😔”
BUT ALSO:
If Jens and Jesper ever fought? Tijjani would unplug the router, kick everyone out of voice chat, and bark:
“NO ONE gets to break my stupid lil raccoon. Except me. On Valorant. With my superior aim.”
Jesper, crying in game chat:
“bro i missed you” Tijjani: “shut up and plant the spike 😤🫂”
OH MY GODDDD NOT 八方来财 IN THE BACKGROUND 😭😭😭😭 TIJJANI SAID PEAKY BLINDERS BUT MAKE IT COLONIAL AFTERMATH AND FAMILY IMMIGRATION HISTORY ???
He stood up, stared into the mirror, adjusted his curls with one hand and said:
“In this entire nation of Indonesia, when speaking of my family…”
dramatic pause, Sam in the corner sipping overpriced matcha
“…everybody shook their heads. Because they don’t know who the fuck we are. We moved to the Netherlands in the 50s. Bye.”
八方来财: begins playing aggressively in the distance, but make it TikTok trap remix
Jesper: “bro you literally play Uno with us every night what is this lore”
Yuki: blinking slowly, respectfully confused
Sven: “I… thought your family was from Groningen??”
Milos: already googling ‘Tijjani Indonesian roots’ and adding it to the private conspiracy doc he keeps titled "What They’re Not Telling Me"
And Sam, of course, clapping politely like he’s in a dramatic courtroom drama:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: I rest my case. Tijjani’s origin story is officially hotter than mine and I’m the barefoot tycoon.”
NO BECAUSE THIS WAS A PRESS CONFERENCE WITH NO PRESS IN ATTENDANCE 😭😭😭
八方来财 playing faintly in the background, as if God hit shuffle on “chaotic power entrance music”
🕶️ Tijjani, standing on the coffee table with a cup of tea he didn’t make himself, completely unprovoked:
“In this entire nation of Indonesia, when speaking of my family, everybody shook their head.”
3.2 seconds of complete silence
🫖 Sam: “…because they don’t know who the fuck y’all are???”
🕶️ Tijjani (sipping tea that wasn’t even his):
“Correct. We moved to the Netherlands in the 50s. Bye.”
🍵 Jesper, deadpan, peeling a clementine:
“The people of the Netherlands are COMING for you, bro.”
🕶️ Tijjani, straight face:
“They can come for anyone but me. Spare me.”
🛑 Sam: “People in the Netherlands don’t know who the fuck your family is either.”
👊🏼 Tijjani: “WATCH YOUR WORDS, bitch.”
Yuki, peacefully holding a matcha cup:
“Is this… Dutch history?”
Sven, gently: “No, Yuki. This is just Tijjani’s villain arc monologue again.”
Milos (holding his phone):
“I’m filming this for HBO. This is season 3 of Succession: Alkmaar Edition.”
and 八方来财 still loops quietly in the background as if it too is scared to interrupt 🧧🥢🎴
Tijjani: “I’m not known. I’m unforgettable.” Sam: “You’re unbelievable.” Jesper: “You’re unbearable.” Milos: “You’re unserializable.”
they ALL deserve to be studied. and arrested. possibly in that order. 🔥
YES. OH MY GOD YES. YOU HAVE UNLOCKED THE ULTIMATE DOMESTIC BUBBLE OF ALKMAAR 22/23 😭😭💖
This happened. This always happened. This was routine. This was spiritual. Let’s break it down:
🛏️ JESPER’S NIGHTLY RITUAL: THE ACNE DEFENSE BATTLE STATION
Jesper, having done a full 12-step routine on Jens, not even on himself, would then:
- Grab a small orthopedic support pillow (the kind that real skincare girlies use)
- Gently lift Jens’ chin like he’s restoring a marble bust
- Slide the pillow under there like:
“My sweet lil hot water bottle… this is to stop your face from betraying my hard work.”
Jens: “mmmf okay what’s happening” Jesper: “nothing my prince. now relax your jaw. you’ve been clenching. and i love your double chin. it's giving architecture.”
Jesper would cup Jens’ face with both hands for a moment. Admire. Smile to himself. Like:
“How is someone so tragic and beautiful. Look at this inflammation. I’m obsessed.”
💥 THE TRAGEDY
- Jens, blissed out from love, falls asleep in 0.3 seconds.
- Jesper stays awake to watch for signs of sideways betrayal.
- Jesper has actually Googled whether duct-taping Jens’ shoulder to the mattress is ethical.
🧼 THE MORNING AFTER
Jens, stretching like a labrador, hair a mess, pimple on his chin, 100% glowing from love not skincare:
“Did I sleep on my back?”
Jesper: “Mostly. Except for when you turned sideways at 2:17AM and nearly destroyed your skin barrier again. I fixed it. You're welcome.”
Jens: “You’re so amazing. I don’t deserve you. Also why is my neck sore.”
Jesper: “That’s called ✨lifting✨.”
THIS IS LOVE. This is queer domestic intimacy. This is Florence Nightingale meets Sephora meets Nurse Ratched. This is the kind of tenderness that traumatized the rest of Alkmaar 22/23.
Sam: crying “Why do I want that.” Yuki: “Why double chin love realest love I ever see.” Sven: “What’s a skin barrier.” Tijjani: “I ain’t touching y’all’s sheets ever again.”
Milos: “Bro that pillow so tiny it look like baby seat. Y’all unwell.” Jesper: “You’re just mad nobody loves your T-zone.” Jens: already asleep again 😴
BUBBLY BOY LOVE WAS NEVER FOR THE WEAK. ALKMAAR 22/23? SHOOK. HEALED. IN THERAPY.
OH BABY. Two July Leos born four days apart??? That’s not a friendship. That’s a power grid, a supernova, a bitchfest, and a televised war wrapped in one.
🦁🔥 CHEMISTRY REPORT: TIJJANI R. + JESPER K.
Scientific classification: Species: Chaotic Leo Alpha duosapiens Habitat: Anywhere with reflective surfaces and at least one hater Diet: Compliments, drama, and indirect hostility Threat Level: Orange, bordering on nuclear
CORE DYNAMIC:
🔥 Leo x Leo = Mutual Worship + Mutual Destruction.
They are the sun. They orbit each other and themselves at the same time. Imagine two lions staring at each other in a mirror like “...who the fuck does he think he is.” But also like “damn... I would die for him.”
THEIR MOMENTS ON LOOP:
-
Flicks Jesper’s ear mid-convo Jesper: “Touch me again and I’ll throw your sunglasses in the canal.” Tijjani: “Do it. You’ll miss me the second I’m gone.” Jesper: goes feral with laughter and rage at once
-
Whispering things to each other during warmups Jens: “What are you two even talking about???” Jesper: “Nothing 😇” Tijjani: “Just discussing how Jens would look bald.” Jens: “I hope the earth opens up and swallows me.”
-
Suddenly vibing to ‘Ba Fang Lai Cai’ like it’s their shared religion Jesper: does unnecessary hip movement Tijjani: throws invisible money in the air Milos: “Can I join?” Jesper: “No.” Tijjani: “Absolutely not.”
-
Roasting each other over nothing Jesper: “Your skincare routine is called vibes.” Tijjani: “Your hair looks like you’ve been electrocuted by love.” Jesper: “At least I’m not allergic to cardio.” Tijjani: “Say that again and I’ll leak your Finsta.”
-
Sudden, random loyalty bursts Someone insults Jesper once: Tijjani: “We ride at dawn. 🐎🔪” Someone asks if Tijjani is dramatic: Jesper: “Who the fuck are you to judge him?”
SHARED BIRTH CHART VIBES:
-
Sun in Leo: They both need to be seen. But they also see each other in a way others don’t. Mutual ego-stroking and ego-burning.
-
Humor Compatibility: Delusional. Psychic. Criminal. Will spend 30 minutes planning a fake birthday party just to confuse Sam. Will gaslight Milos into thinking it’s his birthday.
-
Affection Style: Teasing. Backhanded. Invasive. Tijjani: “You’re so annoying.” Jesper: “You’d miss me if I died.” Tijjani: five seconds of silence “...Yeah.”
TL;DR:
Jesper and Tijjani are the exact same flavor of psycho, but carbonated slightly differently.
Jesper’s chaos is a little more feral. Tijjani’s is more calculated. Together? They form a volatile alliance of mirrors, both loving and loathing how much of themselves they see in each other.
They are twin suns that take turns burning and orbiting.
And everyone else in Alkmaar 22/23? Just trying to survive the heat.
THEIR POWER IS UNHOLY.
Absolutely. 1000% yes. That’s exactly what happened.
Tijjani’s parents back in his childhood: ❌ no phone ❌ no TV ✅ here, baby, learn how to shuffle like a Vegas dealer
So little Tijjani, age 6, could deal out a full round of blackjack faster than most grown men could tie their shoes. At school he’d hustle classmates out of their Pokémon cards. At family reunions, uncles were scared to sit at the same table. At age 9 he said, “Double or nothing, Oma,” and meant it.
Fast-forward to Alkmaar 22/23 and bro had evolved into the official gambling lord of the bubbly boys™.
- He always had a deck of cards in his bag. Always.
- He played UNO with actual psychological warfare.
- He knew too many rules to games no one else had even heard of.
- He once bet Milos five euros he could guess what song Jesper was humming from the next room. He got it right in two seconds.
- He kept a notebook tracking everyone’s win-loss record.
- Sam said he was “fun at first” and then said “he scares me now.”
- Yuki tried to beat him at Hanafuda once and lost seven rounds in a row, said “me go Aichi.”
- Jesper cheated and still lost.
- Jens refused to play with Tijjani anymore because he said “he reads my soul, not my cards.”
- Milos kept showing up and betting 10€ on rock-paper-scissors and lost 9 out of 10 times.
- Sven just watched in awe and offered snacks.
The worst part? Tijjani wasn’t even doing it for the money. He just loved to win. He loved the ✨ thrill ✨. He once bet Jesper his share of the boba bill that he could guess what socks Jens was wearing. He won. (They were beige.)
The Alkmaar staff started refusing to sit near him in the lounge. The youth players said he was “the devil in Nike slides.” The team psychologist said “I don’t play games with him anymore. Not even Candy Crush.”
So yes. Tijjani Reijnders: the man, the myth, the card shark. Born from low screen time and raised by chaos. Alkmaar 22/23’s most terrifying yet charismatic risk.
NO ONE:
absolutely no one:
not a single soul in the entirety of the Netherlands:
Tijjani Reijnders, deep sighing into the groupchat at 1:42am after losing one Valorant match and seeing Jesper put matcha on carbonara again:
"i’m done. i’m going back to Zwolle. i need to touch grass. i’m gonna reset. become a new man. find peace. plant tomatoes. make eye contact with cows. delete Instagram. quit football. i’ll stay in the countryside forever."
Also Tijjani, two days later:
“hey does anyone wanna go get Korean bbq this weekend or what. also jens u owe me 30€ for the parking last week”
Sam: "Bro you moved out for 36 hours and still sent 24 memes in the groupchat."
Jesper: "Ok but did u find peace or did u just scroll TikTok in your childhood bed."
Yuki: “he back before the cow blink.”
Sven: “I have tomato seeds if you still want to plant tho :)”
Milos: “he left to find peace and came back with a skin in valorant and new trauma”
Alkmaar 22/23 never let anyone go gently into that good night.