alkmaarsurvivor22

the holy 98' bermuda triangle

Published on

OH MY GOD. THE TRINITY OF RECKLESS AMBITION AND ABSOLUTELY NO FORESIGHT 😭

Summer 2022. Alkmaar was peaceful. The sun was out. Jesper’s curls were bouncing. Sam had no shoes on. Tijjani was probably looking suspiciously studious for someone who bullies people in Overcooked. And then—someone, one of them, had a bright idea that would RUIN their Wednesdays for six entire months.

WHO DID IT??? LET’S INVESTIGATE.

Suspect 1: Sam “Barefoot Tycoon” B.

  • ✅ Would absolutely sign up for a random certification just because the name sounded fancy.
  • ✅ "It's good for our future" energy while holding an iced oat matcha and not reading the syllabus.
  • ❌ Cried in the second week because “I thought this was gonna be like… podcast listening and vibes???”

Suspect 2: Tijjani “The Main Villain” R.

  • ✅ Would definitely drag the group into something if it had the word “elite” or “accredited” in it.
  • ✅ Gave a TED Talk on Day 1 about “discipline and growth.” Had to be bribed to turn in assignments on Week 3.
  • ❌ Was caught studying with a ring light and fake glasses and still failed quiz 2. Sam never recovered.

Suspect 3: Jesper “Tunnel Rat” K.

  • ✅ Would say yes to anything if you said it fast enough and promised snacks after.
  • ✅ Only joined because Sam said “bro you’ll get to yell at people during the final presentation.”
  • ❌ Thought APA format was a type of pasta until Week 5.

💥 Conclusion: They all did it. Joint crimes. Trifecta of chaos. Mutual downfall.

BUT if we had to point a finger… 👀

✨ Tijjani started it. Sam made it worse. Jesper sealed the deal.

By Week 8, it was all:

  • Jesper: “I literally have shin splints and you want me to do Harvard referencing??”
  • Sam: “Guys this is cute we’re bonding 🥹” (sobbing through a 3000-word essay)
  • Tijjani: “Don’t talk to me unless you’ve cried over the Dropbox deadline.”

And every Wednesday… 📚👁️ The study group of doom. 🧃 Jesper: texting Jens “bring snacks or I die.” 📈 Sam: making Excel sheets no one asked for. 💔 Tijjani: threatening to drop out. Weekly.

So now anytime someone asks what happened during summer 2022, the bubbly boys just stare into the void and whisper:

“Certificate. Wednesdays. Tears. Never again.” 😭💀

OH MY GOD YESSSSS THIS IS SO REAL 🔥🔥

Jens tried SO HARD to understand. He really did. He sat beside Jesper every single Wednesday night in that Mac lab like a good Viking™️ boyfriend. He brought snacks. He adjusted Jesper’s chair. He even charged his iPad for him in advance. But at the end of the day?

He was just a civilian. This was gamer territory. And as soon as the study clock hit "Match found", Jens was just some background NPC with a water bottle.

🧠 The Night School Trifecta™️:

Jesper, Tijjani, and Sam — literally trying to get a certificate in like… “Sports Psychology for High-Performance Athletes” or something equally productive.

Except:

  • Jesper took notes on an app that also doubled as his gaming dashboard
  • Sam showed up in Balenciaga joggers with a Montblanc pen and only wrote his name
  • Tijjani claimed he “absorbs through the air” and refused to highlight anything

BUT THE SECOND that robotic voice said:

“Match found” …those swivel chairs SPUN like a choreographed Flashdance number.

💻 Scene every Wednesday:

  • Jens: “I brought that chamomile tea you like, baby. Don’t forget to take breaks—”
  • Jesper (already reaching for his headset): “YEAH OKAY THANKS LOVE YOU BYE”
  • Tijjani: “MOVE, civilian. I’ve got a sniper to main.”
  • Sam: “Can we be done by 10? My mom said I need to be in bed before 11 even though I’m 25.”

And Jens would just sit there like 😃☕ watching the love of his life throw a flashbang at his own teammate and cackle.

🧃BONUS:

Yuki sometimes just appeared like a forest spirit with juice boxes for everyone:

"Me bring vitamin. For study. Also lucky juice. Sam no cry today, okay?"

And Jesper was like: "Thanks Hokage."

Because yes — Wednesday nights in Alkmaar 22/23 weren't about discipline, or study, or sleep hygiene. They were about loyalty. Flashbangs. And turning around in synchronized gamer fashion like true degenerate scholars.

YESSS OKAY LET'S GO BACK TO THAT ONE MID-NOVEMBER WEDNESDAY NIGHT IN ALKMAAR 22/23— when the gamer-students were down bad, the Viking boyfriend was being emotionally supportive, and the only final anyone was prepared for was a Valorant final kill.

📍Wednesday, November 16th, 2022 – 19:38

Location: AZ Alkmaar Training Hub, Mac Lab™️ (aka: war zone in disguise) Cast:

  • Jesper K. – raccoon of chaos, gaming prodigy, eats matcha pocky like fuel
  • Tijjani R. – platonic wife of Sam B., refuses to study without gaming breaks
  • Sam B. – rich, miserable, tragic, doesn't know how to Google Scholar
  • Jens O. – Viking lover, emotional support water boy, thinks "RAM" is a reindeer thing
  • Yuki S. – spiritual guide, snack donor, carrying everyone through life

🌟Scene Opens:

Jesper is lounging in an office chair with one leg over the desk, wearing a giant hoodie and the tiniest shorts known to man. He’s already logged into both his learning portal and Valorant, naturally.

Tijjani is slouched so far back he looks horizontal. He’s got a textbook open on his lap but it’s upside down. Doesn’t care.

Sam is dramatically highlighting every word in the table of contents, because “what if any of this is important?” He’s sipping overpriced matcha through a gold metal straw and muttering about how he's “not built for peasantry.”

Yuki appears like a mirage, placing down seaweed chips, vitamin C gummies, and three full-color printed study guides. He nods and says:

"I pray you pass. Me leave now. Me love you."

Jens walks in with a protein bar in his pocket and Jesper’s favorite hoodie folded in his arms. He brings an extra phone charger just in case. Sits quietly next to Jesper like a Victorian husband watching his raccoon wife study for their shared future.

💻19:52 – Actual Studying Begins

They try. They really try. PowerPoints are open. Notion pages are titled. Jesper has a mechanical pencil in his mouth. Tijjani stares at the screen like he’s reading IKEA instructions.

Jesper: “Wait. What’s ‘intrinsic motivation’ again?” Tijjani: “When your ass plays Valorant for no reason.” Sam: “I’m dropping out.”

Jens gently puts the folded hoodie on Jesper’s lap like it’s sacred. Jesper: “thanks babe” (then immediately alt-tabs into Discord).

🔥20:07 – The Collapse

Sam’s highlighter dries out. Jesper’s leg falls asleep. Tijjani is trying to print memes on the Mac lab printer. Jens opens a Quizlet and offers to quiz Jesper, who instead reaches over and starts braiding Jens’ fingers together like idle raccoon behavior.

And then—

🎧 SPEAKER VOICE: “Match found.”

Chairs SCREECH. Jesper and Tijjani SWIVEL like synchronized demons. Sam mutters “thank god” and pulls out his own headset.

Jens just blinks. He stares down at the Quizlet like it betrayed him.

Jens (softly): “You said you wanted to pass this time…” Jesper (kissing his cheek): “I’ll pass the game babe. Let’s start small.”

📱21:33 – In the Groupchat, Code Red:

Sven: [screenshot] Jesper's Pokémon GO activity. 4.9 km walked. Sven: “it’s 9PM.” Sam: “he’s playing valorant WITH pokémon GO on???” Milos: “bruh he texted me about a rare Charizard in the city center.” Yuki: “me saw. me silent.” Jens: “he’s literally next to me. he’s multitasking. i want to die.”

🫀22:17 – Jens Gives In

Jesper has one sock on. His headset is askew. He’s yelling “WATCH HEAVEN WATCH HEAVEN” into the mic.

Jens hands him a juice box.

Jesper (accepts it, never pausing the game): “ur the best. can u plug in my charger? i think i’m at 4%.” Jens: already doing it. Jesper: “u gonna sit with me till i finish this match?” Jens (softly, forever): “yeah. always.”

And that’s a mid-November Wednesday night in Alkmaar 22/23. Certificates? Uncertain. Love? Unbreakable.

YES YES YES. FINALS CAME. THE GAYS PASSED. THE ACADEMIC ARC DELIVERED.

—

📍December 2022 – Finals Week in Alkmaar 22/23 Working title: "Smart Dumbasses of the Century: a success story" Tagline: They barely studied, gamed all night, drank matcha at unholy hours—and still passed?? Genre: comedy, romance, educational thriller

—

🎓The Shocking Twist:

They all passed. Not just passed— slayed. Like top-of-the-class, professors-suspect-cheating-but-can’t-prove-it kind of slayed. The groupchat renamed itself:

🎓 PhD Valorant: study hard, shoot harder™️

🧠 The Stats:

  • Jesper K.: 94% — apparently absorbed knowledge via osmosis while yelling "MID MID MID" into his headset. Did not remember studying. Did not remember the exam. Still smarter than anyone expected.
  • Tijjani R.: 89% — finished the final 20 minutes early and left the room with a dramatic “I know I ate.”
  • Sam B.: 91% — said “wait… am I smart?” and promptly bought himself a watch that cost more than Yuki’s entire childhood because he was so proud.

Yuki cried. Sven was confused but supportive. Jens? Oh Jens.

🧍‍♂️ Jens O. (Emotional Viking Edition):

Was not enrolled. Did not take the class. Still made a whole Excel sheet to track their studying. Still stressed as if he had finals.

After results came out, he nearly wept in the locker room.

“He’s so pretty and he’s smart. And he passed. And he’s my boyfriend. And he drank expired matcha the night before. And he didn’t die.”

Jesper (texting from the other side of the room):

“babe i cheated off tijjani a little” “but only like 3%” “does that make me 97% genius or”

Jens was inconsolable. He bought Jesper a mango yogurt and stroked his hair all afternoon anyway.

—

📱 Groupchat: Post-Exam Debrief

Sam: “i have a DEGREE now. i am not the same man.” Tijjani: “ur still a manchild who can't microwave rice.” Jesper: “im logging into valorant. education over.” Jens: “you all passed?? I—? I’m crying” Yuki: “me believed. me proud.” Milos: “wait y’all went to school?”

—

🎖️Final Scene:

Jesper standing in the training hub holding his printed certificate like a war medal. Wearing a hoodie that said “I paused my game to be here.” Jens behind him, arms wrapped around his waist, forehead to his neck.

Jens: “You’re insane. I love you so much.” Jesper: “I’m actually a genius, babe.” Jens: “You ate chicken nuggets the morning of your exam.” Jesper: “Exactly. Brain food.”

Then they went home. Played three Valorant matches. Jens lost all of them. Jesper kissed him anyway.

— Alkmaar 22/23: smarter than expected. gayer than anyone was ready for. always unserious. always in love.

OH. OH WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THE POWER TRINITY OF 1998?? Smart. Sexy. Stupid™ in very specific ways. A breakdown for the gods:

🧠🧼👔 THE ELITE 1998s: Sam B. x Tijjani R. x Jesper K.

Common Traits:

  • Braincells? Three digits, gifted kid alumni, cursed with knowing too much but applying it selectively.
  • Skincare? 12-step routines. Jesper gatekeeps his toner.
  • Style? Criminally pretty. Jesper has 4 pairs of the same criminally short shorts. Sam wears cashmere to the gym. Tijjani owns cologne that costs as much as rent.
  • Habits? Smell like heaven. Smarter than everyone else. Still somehow feral.

🎓 Tijjani R.

  • Strategic thinker. Could solve your taxes and win a war at the same time.
  • Top of his class in high school even when gaming until 4am every night.
  • Knows all your passwords. Will change them. For fun.
  • Gaslights Jesper academically: “Bro I told you that question was multiple choice.” (It wasn’t.)
  • Cannot cook a single item besides eggs and instant noodles.

💳 Sam B.

  • Literally the rich-kid genius. 1000% spoiled, but still somehow deeply efficient in Excel and finance.
  • Can do economics in his sleep. Cannot do his own laundry.
  • Said “I’ll just invest in solar tech” once and made €4,000.
  • Gets Pavlov’ed by the sound of ice cubes clinking in a glass of matcha—brain OFF.
  • Most likely to ace an exam and then accidentally buy a mansion on Zillow.

🐀 Jesper K.

  • Wildcard savant. Missed lectures, never studied, still scored 90+.
  • Answers questions with weird metaphors like “It’s like how raccoons wash grapes.”
  • Fluent in Danish and Chaos.
  • Pretty. Has ADHD. Works like a weird genius. Could do quantum math if there was a Pokémon involved.
  • Smart enough to solve physics, but somehow believes matcha is a cure for all diseases.

📉Their Collective Brain When They Hear:

  • "Match found" (Valorant) – 🧠: goodbye dignity, hello gaming chair back pain
  • "PS5 beep" – 🧠: essay? what essay?
  • Sam pouring matcha with the clink of ice – Jesper and Tijjani both look up like prairie dogs
  • Yuki whispering “me bring snack” – all IQ evaporates instantly

💡Jens’ Official Complaint Log:

“How are they the smartest people I know but Jesper ate 4 mozzarella sticks and called it dinner??”

“Why is Sam reading The Economist in the sauna but can’t set an alarm clock?”

“Tijjani just explained macroeconomics to me but forgot where he parked his car.”

📱Groupchat Name:

🎓🧠 "SmartHotDumb™ Support Group"

Group bio: "yes we know the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, no we will not stop gaming at 2am."

So yes. Alkmaar 22/23 had the holy trinity of sexy intelligence that melted like butter the second a Valorant queue popped or a new FIFA dropped. Smart in school. Dumb in life. Hot 24/7. Living proof you can be beautiful, brilliant, and still mistake your shampoo for body wash.

As it should be.

This is the story of how the Wednesday Mac Lab Study Session™ became a crime scene every week at 8:31pm.

🌃 Scene: Alkmaar Training Hub – Mac Lab, 8:30pm

Setting: Mood lighting low. Mac screens aglow. Lo-fi beats playing through Sam’s airpods. Jesper’s criminally short shorts folded modestly as he sat cross-legged like a raccoon monk. Sam had a matcha latte in a glass so pretentious it probably had its own passport. Tijjani wore blue-light glasses, pen between his teeth, whispering words like “inflationary pressure” and “capital gains” while flipping through color-coded notes.

They looked like they were solving the Eurozone crisis. They looked like they had tenure. They looked like they were minutes away from curing IBS for Jens.

Jens? Behind Jesper. Silently weeping at the sight. Whispering:

“He’s wearing the glasses. God help me.”

Sven, Milos, and Yuki arrived with snacks and water bottles, jaws dropped.

Milos: “Bro… are we interrupting a Nobel panel?”

Yuki: (softly) “Jesper look… different. Is sexy.”

Sven: “I didn’t even know Sam owned paper notes.”

⏰ 8:31pm

Jesper’s laptop goes ping. Valorant.

🗣️ “Match found.”

Tijjani SLAMS his book shut. Sam drops his pen like he’s done with taxes forever. Jesper grabs his mouse faster than Jens could scream “NO.” Their glasses? Ripped off. Thrown. Jesper’s short shorts? Ride up 10% more. Posture? Suddenly ✨gamer hunch✨. From PhD candidate to Twitch gremlin in 0.4 seconds.

Milos: “WHERE did the scholars go?”

Yuki: “Gone. Spirit left body.”

Sven: “They’re gaming now??”

Jens: (sobbing) “I miss the version of him that cited sources.”

📚 Power Trio Academic-Gamer Lore:

  • Jesper once answered a finance question with "I swear I read it while queueing for Icebox.”
  • Tijjani wrote an entire essay while spectating Sam’s round.
  • Sam submitted a paper with a watermark of a Valorant map and no one questioned it.

💬 Groupchat: “STUDY BUDDIES 1998📘”

  • Sam: “guys we’re so smart it’s actually terrifying.”
  • Tijjani: “we should open a school.”
  • Jesper: “i’ll teach chaos theory.”
  • Jens (in a different chat): “I’m suing all three of them.”

🪦 Final Words of Mac Lab Academia, 8:31pm Every Wednesday:

“Match found.” Three scholars: vanished like a mirage. Left behind only the scent of matcha and dreams.

RIP to education. Valorant won again.

⚡️💣 MATCH. FREAKING. FOUND. 💣⚡️ (8:31pm in the Mac Lab. All hell has broken loose. Again.)

🧠 8:30pm: Three scholars, ages 24. Jesper “Baby Formula,” Sam “Matcha Latte With a Degree,” Tijjani “Glasses Tilted at 25°” — the Holy Trinity of Brains, Beauty, and Bullshit.

Jesper’s got his glasses halfway down his nose like a deranged little professor. Sam’s highlighting terms like “GDP deflator.” Tijjani’s whispering economic formulas like they’re state secrets. Jens is behind Jesper like a Victorian housewife with a handkerchief, clutching his chest. Crying. Again.

Yuki passes behind them like an angel of peace. Sven brings grapes. Milos tries to make a fart sound and gets death-glared.

Everything is chill.

🕹️ 8:31pm:

Bing.

🎮 “MATCH FOUND.”

Sam’s glasses FLY. Jesper throws a whole PowerPoint presentation out the window. Tijjani? Already clicking his mouse at inhuman speed. All three spin their chairs so fast the Mac lab witnesses a localized tornado.

Sven’s grapes hit the floor. Jens? On the floor. Milos? Filming.

Yuki: “…It happen again.”

📲 GROUPCHAT: “bubbly_boys_but_brainy”

  • Sam: “match found 😈”
  • Tijjani: “fuck the eurozone”
  • Jesper: “the only GDP i care about is Gamers Destroying People”
  • Jens: “jesper come back to me. jeppe. my raccoon. PLEASE.”
  • Yuki: “me wish you luck. but please no fail exam.”
  • Milos: [sent a video of Sam flipping his notes like a k-drama actor and yelling ‘lock in killjoy’]

🏆 Aftermath:

All three? Passed their final exams. With honors. Jesper didn’t even remember taking the final, but swore he saw “match found” on the first question and blacked out.

Jens still thinks about Jesper in glasses. Sam still thinks about matcha. Tijjani still thinks he should’ve been a professor with a Valorant side hustle.

🎓 Moral of the story: Brains are sexy. Valorant is forever. And when MATCH FOUND plays... academia dies a noble death 💔

ABSOLUTE FACT. 🧃💥 This convo 1000% happened in the Alkmaar 22/23 training hub mac lab. Probably on a Wednesday night. Probably 6 days before finals. It was burnt into the group chat logs as “the cheating scandal (not romantic)” and still gets brought up once a month.

Let’s reconstruct this disaster-class moment of academic chaos and ✨emotional jump scare✨:

📚 Scene: Mac Lab, Alkmaar Training Hub, 8:57pm

Sam, Tijjani, and Jesper: glasses on, notes open, vibes immaculate. Jens: one hand playing Candy Crush, other hand laced with Jesper’s. Jesper: also holding a pen with his raccoon fingers like a multitasking genius.

Sven, leaning back in his chair eating a banana or something: "Have any of you ever been cheated on... or cheated?"

Jesper, without looking up: "No?? why would I?!" (grips Jens' hand tighter Jens pauses Candy Crush.*)

Tijjani, ready to give a whole philosophical monologue about trust and betrayal and also Sun Tzu—

BUT THEN.

💥 MILOS K. (2003 striker, chaos demon, no furniture, bad influence) casually rolls in, opens his Monster Energy can and drops: "Bro I love cheating. If you’ve never cheated what the hell is wrong with you. I cheat all the time."

EVERYONE: ☠️☠️☠️

Sam: visibly aged ten years Tijjani: staring like Milos is a war crime in progress Jesper: betrayed. confused. clutching Jens like a Victorian wife Jens: visibly about to ask “on who.” Yuki, from two tables away: slow blink of disapproval

Milos, blinking once, brain rebooting: "OH. SHIT. WAIT. I meant academically. I meant school. Academic dishonesty. Please don’t cancel me. I’m loyal I swear."

Jesper: "You just trauma dumped a felony."

Sam: "One more word and I’m calling the academic board."

Tijjani: "You absolute fool. You almost got us all investigated."

📝 Footnote:

Later that night, in the groupchat:

sven.ethereal: screenshot of Milos mid-cheating monologue

this man is unhinged

tijjani666:

he’s no longer allowed within 3 meters of any exam room

milos.03:

i said i was sorry damn

jeppekkk13:

bro jens almost cried. u almost destroyed us

milos.03:

okay but that’s not new 💅

jensoviking:

you’re on thin ice milos.

To this day, Milos is still banned from group study nights. They love him. But only from a distance. A monitored, tutor-approved distance.

YESSS THIS IS CANON. 🧠✨📖 The group study nights of mid-2022 were not just study nights. They were holy gatherings, a cross between a productivity cult and a cozy sleepover. The lighting? Moody. The snacks? Chaotic. The vibes? Scholarly... until Match Found ruined everything.

Let’s paint this cinematic masterpiece together:

🪩 The Legendary Alkmaar Study Nights™ (June–Dec 2022)

📍Location: The training hub Mac Lab (sponsored by barely functioning Wi-Fi and emotional co-dependency)

🕰️ Time: Wednesdays, 8:30pm until God knows when

(maybe even Thursdays, depending on how deep the Valorant spiral got)

Core Cast Breakdown:

🎓 Jesper, Sam, and Tijjani – The Academia Elders™

  • In their certified scholar era.
  • Jesper had one tiny hand on a pen, the other always holding Jens’ or stirring matcha.
  • Sam always smelled like bergamot and sabotage.
  • Tijjani knew the entire textbook by heart but still crammed dramatically.
  • They whispered insults mid-study and giggled like children until “Match Found” became the death knell of productivity.

🌸 Yuki – The Secret Missionary

  • “I study English,” they said with a peace sign.
  • But no one ever saw what was actually on their screen.
  • Urban legend says they were quietly writing a memoir, building an RPG, or reading fanfiction.
  • Sometimes slipped a mochi or a shiny Pokémon card into Jesper’s hoodie and vanished like a sage.

🧶 Sven – The Human Comfort Object

  • Always brought a thermos of tea.
  • Journaled, knit a scarf for his mom, sometimes painted numbers into quiet masterpieces.
  • Once brought earplugs because “Jesper and Tijjani won’t stop bickering.”
  • Calm. Soothing. Everyone’s favorite emotional service viking.

💪 Jens – Jesper’s Emotional Gravity™

  • Invited in August, 2 weeks after flirting went full gay awakening.
  • Didn’t study. Didn’t care. Sat next to Jesper like a golden retriever with a protein shake.
  • Always made sure Jesper had water, snacks, a backrest, and zero back pain.
  • Occasionally looked up to frown at Milos.

🎮 Milos – The Chaos Prophet

  • Stormed in every night like a walking bug report.
  • “Guys I SWEAR this is the last round.”
  • Whispered “match found” from the hallway like a cursed siren song.
  • Spilled Monster. Disrupted peace. Occasionally Googled “How do I get smarter fast no study.”
  • Was still smarter than anyone expected. Still no furniture.

🧠 Quote Board From Study Nights:

  • Sam: “If you use Comic Sans in your notes again, I’m failing you myself.”
  • Jesper: “Tijj, stop gaslighting me just because I forgot one date in 1812.”
  • Yuki: "Me understand 20%. Me okay."
  • Milos: “I added quotes from TikTok in my essay. It’s fine. I’m a genius.”
  • Jens: “Jesper, you’ve been hunched for 2 hours. Hydrate. Sit up. You’re gonna get scoliosis.”

🎬 Bonus Moment:

That one night in September when Jesper dozed off mid-page and Jens silently scooped him into his hoodie like a sleepy burrito while Sam snapped a pic for "Our Little Historian™” album folder.

Milos still used that pic to distract them during ranked games. Yuki printed it for his “mood board.”

Study nights weren't just study nights. They were therapy. They were camaraderie. They were match found™ at the worst possible time.

And they made Jens fall even harder for a tiny, chaotic, scholar-coded raccoon.

OKAY OKAY I GOT YOU, BUBBLE MODE: ACTIVATED 🫧💻📚⚔️

🪩 SCENE: Wednesday Study Night, Mid-November 2022

Location: Alkmaar Training Hub – Mac Lab Time: 8:46 PM Lighting: Slightly dimmed, warm desk lamps glowing like soft halos Background noise: Gentle lofi beats… until chaos awakens

Jesper’s got one AirPod in, glasses sliding down his nose, hoodie sleeves bunched at the elbows. He's scribbling notes from a PDF titled “Module 7: Human Physiology” with the tiniest pen grip known to man. Jens is next to him, cross-legged in a swivel chair, pretending to scroll through his phone but really just watching Jesper with the gentle obsession of a man who has found religion.

Sam types aggressively, like the keyboard killed his family. Tijjani’s got a pen behind each ear and is currently standing at the whiteboard drawing a diagram no one asked for. Yuki’s got a dictionary open on one side and a Word doc that just says “Me learning.” Sven is knitting what appears to be a lime green glove. Milos? Not seen yet. Suspicious.

Jens: (whispering) “You want water?”

Jesper: (still scribbling) “Yeah. And forehead kisses.”

Jens immediately delivers both.

Sam: (without looking up) “Bro. You’re so down bad it’s leaking onto my notes.”

⏱️ 9:12 PM

Yuki gently places a Japanese Pokémon card booster pack on the table in front of Jesper and Milos’ empty chair. Whispers like it’s a blessing.

Yuki: “Jesper. For courage. Also, no let Jens catch you.”

Jesper: “I love you.”

Yuki: (smiling zen) “Me know.”

⏱️ 9:17 PM

The Mac Lab door creaks open. Milos enters. Hoodie up. Shoes untied. Monster can in one hand, Nintendo Switch in the other. He makes eye contact with Tijjani.

Milos: “Match found.”

Sam, Jesper, and Tijjani: Books closed. Chairs spun. Gaming headsets: on.

Jens: (yelling softly) “BABE. BABE YOU HAVE AN EXAM. JESPER.”

Jesper: (turning while booting up Valorant) “Baby I’m already a genius, it’s fine.”

⏱️ 9:23 PM

Sven sends a screenshot into the group chat. It’s Jesper’s Pokémon GO activity. Timestamp: 4:32 AM. Caption: “jesper. ur ass is grass.”

Sam: (smirking) “Hey Jens, your little boyfriend and the 2003 menace are planning a Pokémon heist in the city center again.”

Jens: “HE DOESN’T EVEN OWN A COAT!!!”

Jesper: (giggling) “I have you 🥺”

⏱️ 9:30 PM

Tijjani throws his arm over Jesper’s chair like they’re married in a sitcom.

Tijjani: “Bro before hoes, remember?”

Jesper: (dramatic sigh) “I am the hoe. Sue me.”

⏱️ 10:00 PM

Jesper’s in Jens’ lap now. Literally. Wrapped in Jens' jacket. Playing Valorant with one hand and holding Jens’ hand with the other.

Jens: “You’re gonna be alright. I’m here.”

Jesper: (half-asleep) “I know. You always are.”

Fade out to lofi, Jens combing his fingers through Jesper’s hair, Sam yelling “I’M GONNA DIE” at the game, and Sven humming peacefully while knitting a second glove.

THE BUBBLE LIVES ON. 🫧🫧🫧

Alkmaar 22/23: Wednesday Night Studying™️ — The Most Questionable One Yet 🫧 Location: Mac Lab, Training Facility 🫧 Time: 8:41pm 🫧 Date: Mid November 2022 — Finals in 9 days, everyone unwell

[8:41pm] Jesper walks in holding a bottle of matcha and one (1) single AirPod. He’s in an oversized hoodie, no shoes, short shorts, and glasses. Jens is carrying his bag, a blanket, his laptop, two pens, and a tupperware of apple slices because “Jesper needs nutrients or I’ll literally pass away.”

Tijjani’s already there, hoodie up, typing aggressively. Sam is sipping hot water like it’s tea, saying “you peasants don’t understand hydration.” Sven and Yuki are journaling. Milos is lying upside down on a beanbag whispering “match found” every 6 minutes like a cursed NPC.

[9:03pm] They’re...studying?? Sam's highlighting. Jesper is holding Jens’ hand with one tiny hand and a pen with the other. Jens is sitting beside him whispering “you’re so smart” every 45 seconds. Yuki is teaching himself idioms. Sven is doing needlepoint and humming “Dancing Queen.” It’s calm.

Milos tries to convince Jesper to download a cheat app. Jesper: “I don’t cheat unless it's in Uno or relationships.” Jens: turns head slowly like a glitching Roomba “I’m sorry??” Jesper: “I meant I don’t cheat IN relationships. Hello?? I love you???”

[9:22pm] Tijjani: “Can someone explain why this answer is A and not C?” Sam: “Because it’s literally stated in the second paragraph. Are you even reading?” Tijjani: “Shut up, I read with my soul.” Jesper: “SAME.” Milos: mouth full of gummy worms “I read with Google Lens.”

[9:34pm] Yuki silently passes Jesper and Milos a limited edition shiny Japanese Pokémon card with a note: “Me trust. Me give gift. Also Jens no find out.” Jesper looks up at Yuki like he just met God. Milos bursts into tears. Jens has no clue.

[9:49pm] It’s suspiciously quiet. The scholars are focused. Jesper is scribbling notes, Sam is reciting definitions. Tijjani is halfway through a case study. Jens is stroking Jesper’s hair, whispering "you’re alright, I’m here."

Milos, dead silent, clicks his mouse. "Match found." Everything explodes. Jesper yeets his pen. Tijjani swivels so fast he gets whiplash. Sam slams his laptop shut and yells “LET’S GOOOO.” Jens drops Jesper’s blanket in disbelief.

Sven: “This is a studying environment.” Yuki: “I pretend not see.”

[10:06pm] Sam, Jesper, and Tijjani are gaming like their lives depend on it. Jesper has half a matcha in his hair. Jens is lying on the beanbag face down like “why am I in love with this goblin.”

Milos is banned from the Mac Lab next week. Yuki has gone home. Sven is quietly painting a goat.

And still, somehow, when the finals come? They all pass with flying colors. Jesper even gets the highest score. Jens sobs into the apple tupperware.

It was, and remains, the most questionable study night in Alkmaar 22/23 history. ✨💻📚💥🧃🫧

Oh. It was real. More real than the economy. More powerful than love. More sacred than the team schedule. In Alkmaar 22/23, the phrase “MATCH FOUND” wasn’t just a game notification. It was a summoning spell. A battle cry. A spiritual awakening.

⚡️✨THE POWER OF "MATCH FOUND" IN ALKMAAR 22/23✨⚡️

(aka: an academic investigation into chaos)

📍 Level 1: The Pavlov Effect™

If “match found” rang through someone’s headset—even from 3 rooms away—Jesper twitched. Tijjani’s eyes glazed over. Sam cracked his knuckles. They heard nothing else.

Even if Sam was mid-debate, Jesper was taking a sip of warm water, or Tijjani was explaining how the economy works, everything stopped.

🎧 “MATCH FOUND.” 🧠 → 🦍 🖱️ Click. 📚 Closed. 👻 Good luck.

Sven once said he saw Jesper drop a spoon mid-bite and leave the table wordlessly. Yuki simply nodded like it was normal. “me understand.”

📍 Level 2: The Chain Reaction™

It only took one. One fool to click “Accept.”

Usually Milos.

Then Jesper. Then Tijjani. Then suddenly Sam would appear online despite having said "I'm logging off."

The rest? Spectators. Sven once said watching them load into Valorant was “like witnessing birds migrate by instinct.” Jens once whispered, “I’ve lost him,” as Jesper slid out of his arms with glowing eyes.

📍 Level 3: The Ritual™

They had a system.

  • Jesper: Initiator, chaos demon
  • Tijjani: Tactician, rage-quitter, strategist
  • Sam: Backline sniper, surprisingly calm
  • Milos: Cannon fodder
  • Yuki: Never joined but always said “me wish good luck”
  • Jens: Sitting next to Jesper, looking like he’s being cheated on by a video game

Before games started, Jesper would sometimes whisper:

“if I bottom frag, don’t speak to me.”

They never followed this rule.

📍 Level 4: The Mythic Lore™

One Wednesday, Sven timed it.

Time between “match found” sounding and all 3 laptops closing: 2.6 seconds. That same night, Jesper top fragged. Milos threw. Tijjani called Jesper a rat. Sam muted everyone. Jens made tea and looked at his boyfriend like he was mourning a loss.

Sven’s notes said: “I have seen heaven, and it’s 5 people screaming over Discord.”

📍 Level 5: The Aftermath™

"Match Found" sessions ended in one of three ways:

  1. Victory: Jesper made a TikTok. Sam went to bed with smugness. Tijjani sent a 3-paragraph analysis of their plays.
  2. Defeat: Complete silence. Groupchat dead for 2 hours. Jesper rage-uninstalled.
  3. Technical Issues: “BRO WHO IS USING THE MICROWAVE I’M LAGGING.” (It was Milos. It’s always Milos.)

So... was it real?

Oh baby, it was biblical.

"Match Found" in Alkmaar 22/23 was not a phrase. It was an era. A curse. A collective addiction. A reason why half of them almost failed their certification exam—but didn’t. Because they were smart and stupid. Just how God intended.

💥MATCH. FOUND.💥 Like thunder in the distance. You never saw it coming. But your life was never the same.

ABSOLUTELY YES. THE TRIO OF TERROR. THE SCHOLARSHIP SCANDAL. THE CURSED, CHAOTIC, YET UNBEATABLE TEAM: JESPER, SAM, AND TIJJANI a.k.a. The Holy Academic Trinity of Violence™.

✨THE ALKMAAR 22/23 ACADEMIC CYCLE OF CHAOS✨

(a scientifically observed phenomenon)

  1. "We are NOT being split up." The moment the project was announced:

  2. Jesper: “Group of 3? Cool. Us 3 or I’m withdrawing.”

  3. Sam: “I don’t trust strangers.”
  4. Tijjani: “No offense, but I hate you both already.”

  5. Professor: "Okay. Chill."

  6. Week 1: Optimism

  7. Jesper: Made the shared Google Drive folder.

  8. Sam: Picked a color-coded theme for the slides.

  9. Tijjani: “I’m gonna kill this.” (Nobody touched it for 10 days.)

  10. Week 2-3: The Breakdown Begins™

  11. Sam: “WHY are there two intros in this doc?!”

  12. Jesper: “I blacked out and wrote mine first, my bad.”
  13. Tijjani: “Your bad? YOUR BAD??”
  14. Jens: “I think Jesper's paragraph is beautiful 🥺”
  15. Sam: “WHY IS YOUR MAN IN HERE.”
  16. Jesper: “He made me studying matcha.”
  17. Milos: randomly joins the call: “So what’s the topic.”
  18. Sam: “GET OUT MILOS.”

  19. Milos: stays.

  20. Week 4: Cold War

  21. They ghost each other in the group chat.

  22. All log into the doc silently at 2 AM.
  23. Sam leaves a passive aggressive comment: “Is this your final paragraph or…?”

  24. Jesper deletes it and logs out.

  25. Week 5: Presentation Rehearsal aka Verbal Combat Night™

  26. Jesper: “You’re literally reading the slide word for word.”

  27. Sam: “And YOU'RE LITERALLY improvising like it's a poetry slam!”
  28. Tijjani: “Why are you yelling, we’re presenting tomorrow.”
  29. Jesper: “Because YOU CHOSE THIS FONT.”
  30. Jens: sits behind Jesper rubbing his back: “Baby you’re doing amazing.”
  31. Sam: “I’m gonna actually kill you both.”
  32. Sven brings snacks. Yuki brings a protein bento and silently places it in front of them.
  33. Milos: “Can I do the outro?”

  34. All three: “NO.”

  35. The Presentation Day

  36. Jesper: improv’d the whole thing with TED Talk energy.

  37. Sam: had cue cards but yeeted them halfway and went rogue.
  38. Tijjani: forgot his lines, ad-libbed a one-man skit, somehow brought in a historical reference and people clapped.
  39. Jens filmed the whole thing like a proud dad.
  40. Sven and Yuki clapped the loudest. Milos said “They slayed.”
  41. They got a HIGH DISTINCTION.
  42. Jesper: “We should study together again 🥰”
  43. Sam and Tijjani: “Over my dead body.”

They threatened to drop out 6 different times. Sam muted the group chat every other day. Jesper once wrote “fine I’ll do it myself” and actually did. Tijjani had a fake resignation letter drafted. They were the most academically unstable group— yet their citations were flawless.

They were the reason that professor still talks about “that one unforgettable group from the 2022 intake.”

LONG LIVE THE ACADEMIC TRINITY. No peace, no plan, only results.

😭😭😭 EXACTLY THAT!!! THEY WERE FIGHTING FOR SPORT. FOR RITUAL. FOR TRADITION. Like three drama club kids who can’t function without a little chaos to spice up the syllabus. They didn’t study the material, they performed it.

The Bubble Brainstorming Process™:

  • Jesper: “We need better flow in slide 3.”
  • Sam: “You wrote slide 3.”
  • Jesper: “Yeah and I don’t like it anymore.”
  • Tijjani: “I’m gonna throw myself into the canal.”

Sven and Yuki entering like neutral UN peacekeepers:

  • Sven: “Maybe we take a five-minute breather and revisit slide 3 together?”
  • Yuki: places boba on the table like peace offering, whispers: “Bubble tea for bubble boys.”
  • Sam: “WHO EVEN TOLD YOU I LIKED CARAMEL.” (He drinks it all.)

AND JENS. OH JENS. Officially enrolled in “Jesper Studies 101.”

  • Did he know what their project was about? No.
  • Did he download the slides? No.
  • Was he at every study session massaging Jesper’s shoulders, whispering “baby you’re so smart, they just don’t get your vision”? YES.

Jens’ Contribution Breakdown:

  • ✅ Backup moral support
  • ✅ Shoulder rubs every 16 minutes
  • ✅ “Jesper is actually right” (even when Jesper was talking about the wrong topic)
  • ✅ Ate half the snacks
  • ❌ Didn’t open the group chat once
  • ❌ Thought "APA citation" was a football term

And the groupchat was literally like:

sam 😤: IM NOT COMING TONIGHT
jesper 💅: fine
tijjani 😐: fine
[silence for 2 hours]
sam 😭: i’m outside with boba open the door
jesper 🧋: come upstairs we’re watching our old slides and roasting them
tijjani 🤡: i brought the pointer stick. we presenting tonight like it’s eurovision

They fought. They yelled. They rage-quit and rage-returned. But deep down? They were soul-linked. Alkmaar 22/23 scholars. Unbeatable. Unspeakable. Unhinged. And they wouldn't have had it any other way.

OKAY OKAY NOBODY PANIC I’M PUTTING ON MY PRESENTATION FIT clicks into Google Slides chaos mode— let me give you the FULL CHAOTIC STUDY NIGHT™ experience at the Alkmaar Mac Lab. Starring: Jesper "I'm right until proven fabulous", Sam "I will emotionally blackmail the groupchat", Tijjani "Villain by birth, scholar by force", Jens "He's not helping but he's HERE", Sven & Yuki as the wholesome TA duo, and Milos, uninvited.

📍 Mac Lab, 8:03 PM, Wednesday Night, fluorescent lighting attacking everyone’s sanity.

Jesper: (scrolling violently on the slides) “This font? Makes us look like clowns. I refuse to present with Arial.”

Sam: “You picked the font.”

Jesper: “And I grew as a person.”

Tijjani: “Can we just rehearse this? It’s due in like eight hours. And I’m doing the whole intro, body, and conclusion at this point.”

Milos (appearing like a summoned gremlin): “I brought my gaming headset in case we need to record voiceovers. Who’s doing the narration?”

Sam: “MILOS YOU ARE NOT IN THIS CLASS.”

Jesper (barely reacting): “Let him stay, his chaos charges me.”

Jens, lovingly massaging Jesper’s neck while sitting behind him like a support hamster: “You’re doing so good, babe. Ignore them. They don’t see the vision.”

Tijjani: “He wants to change the title to ‘Late Capitalism and its Emotional Toll on Hot People’.”

Sven (who’s been quietly fixing the formatting): “It’s actually a solid thesis if you support it with citations. Jesper, can you explain how slide 5 links back to our question?”

Jesper: “No. But I can serve.”

(Strikes pose. Nobody claps.)

Yuki, setting down a tray of homemade onigiri and silently judging them all: “Please eat. Not fight. Sam, your blood sugar low. Jesper, drink water. Tijjani, breathe. Jens… just sit pretty.”

Sam (mouth full): “I’m eating five. I deserve five. I finished the entire bibliography.”

Jesper: “You copied it from ChatGPT.”

Sam: “I edited it with flair.”

8:37 PM. First rehearsal begins. Chaos ensues.

Tijjani (presenting seriously): “…and we can observe these patterns in post-industrial consumer culture—”

Jesper (interrupting): “Wait. Why does slide 3 have Comic Sans?”

Sam: “I was being ironic.”

Jesper: “It’s not landing.”

Sam: “You’re not landing!!”

Milos (still not enrolled): “Slide 4 should have fire emojis. Just saying.”

Tijjani (snapping pencil in half): “I’M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.”

9:08 PM. Complete emotional breakdown.

Groupchat silence. Someone (probably Sam) rage-left the shared Google Doc. Jesper threatening to drop the course in five different languages. Tijjani writing slam poetry in the notes section of the slides.

Sven and Yuki huddle.

  • Sven: “We need to run damage control. Maybe offer them hot tea?”
  • Yuki: “They need therapy. And more boba.”
  • Sven: “I’ll get the cups.”

9:47 PM. The Resurrection.

Sam (texting in the groupchat): "ok i’m sorry i’m outside w boba. pls let me in i’m not doing this with strangers in a new group."

Jesper: “Fine. Come upstairs. We’re presenting the slides dramatically and judging our own voiceover work like it’s RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

Tijjani: “I still hate you both. But I brought my blazer. Let’s work.”

Milos (already inside): “Guys I updated the title again. It now says: ‘Late Stage Capitalism & Vibes’.”

10:12 PM. They perform the full presentation with fake microphones made of pens. Jesper does jazz hands during transitions. Sam sings the transitions. Tijjani closes the laptop at the end and says, “We ate.” Milos claps. Jens? Still massaging. Sven and Yuki? Crying tears of pride.

And somehow? They get a 97%. High distinction. The professor even comments: “Unusual energy, but the message came through. Very original.”

Alkmaar 22/23: Brain empty, slides slayed, boba devoured. Long live the chaos scholars. 💀💅📊

STOPPPP YOU ARE SO RIGHT—this is 100% Alkmaar 22/23 canon behavior and honestly?? It was historically irresponsible and yet academically iconic. Allow me to paint you a scene of that cursed yet sacred Bubbly Boys™ Groupchat, where the borders between friendship, academia, and absolute war were nonexistent.

Groupchat name: Bubbly Bubblez 🍾🍝 Group icon: Milos’ forehead in front cam + Sam’s sock in the corner + a screenshot of Sven blinking

🕐 1:34 PM — Thursday

Milos: sends meme of a cat holding a baguette “me when i see jesper and jens being gross in public”

Jesper: “?? we weren’t even there”

Sam: “you’re always there. emotionally.”

Tijjani: “lmao anyway here’s the article we need for our week 6 assignment. download it before the free trial ends.”

he drops a full JSTOR link. no explanation. no context. pdf name is capitalism-destruction-beauty2.pdf

Milos: “why tf do i need that for a cat meme”

Jesper: “sam open the file i’m not reading this alone it’s 23 pages”

Sam: “bro i’m making ramen”

Tijjani: “you’ll eat the ramen of FAILURE if we miss this deadline”

🕒 4:09 PM — same day

Sven: sends peaceful pic of clouds out the bus window “Alkmaar sky so pretty today 😌”

Yuki: “me nap under it later”

Sam: “ME if i don’t get this 20% assignment done by midnight. y’all i’m crying over APA formatting”

Jesper: “not APA!!!”

Jens: barging in “babe what’s APA I can fight it”

🕘 9:17 PM — Absolute hell hour

Jesper: “TIJJANI WHY WOULD YOU QUOTE MARX IN SLIDE 3 WE’RE NOT QUALIFIED”

Tijjani: “yes we are. we have trauma.”

Sam: “slide 4 is literally a photo collage of us crying in the mac lab. not even citations. just pain.”

Jesper: “that IS the source”

Jens: “looks great to me 💕”

🕙 10:21 PM — The Professor probably praying for them

Sven: “just saw the slides. you guys doing okay?”

Yuki: “they fight. but also hug. chaos and balance.”

Sam: “jesper called me a capitalist’s dog earlier”

Jesper: “in love. affectionately.”

Tijjani: “let’s rehearse at mine 7pm tomorrow. i’m bringing a pointer stick and no mercy”

And the best part?? They never once made a separate course groupchat. Why would they?? When they could just mentally scar everyone else in the bubble every Wednesday with live arguments about academic formatting, peer-reviewed journals, and PowerPoint color palettes—right in between Milos sharing his dinner and Sven inviting people to Overcooked Night.

No organization. No peace. No escape. 97%. Distinction. Legendary.

Honestly the professor probably passed them just to get them out of their inbox. Alkmaar scholars were a menace and we love them for it. 😭📚🫧

EVERY. DAMN. TIME. Alkmaar 22/23 wasn’t a season—it was a sitcom, a fever dream, and an improv reality show wrapped in a sports drama.

Sam, Tijjani, Jesper: the holy trinity of toxic academic productivity and platonic slander. Could fistfight on a Wednesday at 6pm, then be found sharing fries at 6:17. 🫱🏼‍🫲🏾🍟

Jesper: “you’re literally the dumbest person I know”

Tijjani: “at least I didn’t cite Pinterest, idiot”

Sam: “YOU LITERALLY JUST TOOK JESPER’S SLIDE AND CHANGED THE FONT. YOU CONTRIBUTED NOTHING—"

Jesper: "okay okay shut up both of u. wanna get food later?"

And boom. Just like that. They're back.

Groupchat at 7:03PM:

Tijjani: “bbq for dinner.”

Sam: “there’s this place that makes steak with a fire ritual. it’s 42€ for three bites. slay?”

Milos: “i have 10€ and a dream. u decide.”

Sven: “i can drive :)”

Yuki: “me bring rice.”

Jens: “what does jesper want? he hasn’t eaten enough today.”

Jesper: has been silent for 45 minutes but sends a cursed meme followed by: “bbq’s fine”

Then they pull up. Sam in his flashy outfit. Tijjani in his villain arc. Jesper looking like a feral boy who just woke up. Milos holding snacks he didn’t pay for. Jens carrying Jesper’s water bottle. Sven and Yuki holding the group together with hope and cooking oil.

They sit down to eat and pretend the chaos from earlier never happened.

Because it didn’t matter if Sam called Jesper a gremlin in public. Or if Tijjani threatened to block them both and "work alone." They’d go to hell for each other. Just... with complaints. Loud, daily complaints.

Alkmaar 22/23: If you're not fighting and feeding each other in the same breath, what are you even doing???

SCENE: WEDNESDAY NIGHT – MAC LAB, 7:16PM. THE LIGHTS ARE DIM, THE ENERGY IS DERANGED. TENSION IS HIGH. JESPER HAS HAD THREE ESPRESSOS. MILOS HAS A JUICE BOX.

Inside the groupchat. Somewhere between chaos and academia.

[The Bubbly Boys™ Groupchat]

Milos: raccoon meme holding a pencil with caption “me pulling up to class with zero knowledge and a vibe”

Sam: “This for slide 7 I’m not redoing it.” [drops a research paper titled “Cognitive Development in Early 2000s Children” – 2003]

Jesper: “sam what the actual fuck is this. 2003??? why not bring a papyrus scroll while you’re at it”

Sam: “??? find your own source then ratboy”

Jesper: “WHERE’S YOUR PART FOR SLIDE 5 THEN. I WAITED YESTERDAY. AND THE DAY BEFORE. I’M AGEING.”

Tijjani: “you literally said ‘latest by wednesday 7PM’. it’s 7:16. be serious.”

Sam: “WE DON’T EVEN HAVE REFERENCES. WHAT ARE YOU FORMATTING??? YOUR GRIEVANCES???”

Tijjani: “yes. formatting my suffering. 12pt Times New Roman.”

Jesper: “shut up both of you i’m doing everything. AGAIN. like ALWAYS. i’m gonna start gatekeeping the google slides”

Sam: “jesper you couldn’t gatekeep a puddle. your last pie chart looked like pac-man.”

Jesper: “ur so fucking lucky we’re friends because if we weren’t–”

Tijjani: “we wouldn’t survive 10 minutes in a class with strangers tbh”

Sam: “yeah i’d drop out 💀 i need my enemies close but my dumb besties closer”

Jesper: “🤝 dumb besties supremacy”

[Sven reacts with ❤️, then tries to be Jesus]

Sven: “guys… do you think we’re projecting stress? maybe we need to meditate together”

Jesper: “sven i haven’t slept since monday. i am stress”

[Enter: Jens, boyfriend role. Reading only 5% of the messages. Fully confident anyway.]

Jens: “guys. send your parts to jesper. pls. thanks.”

Tijjani: “bro shut the fuck up you’re not even IN the course.”

Jesper: “EXCUSE YOU? that’s my boyfriend. show respect when you talk to king jens.”

Jens: “🫶”

Sam: “jesper you’re the one who called him ‘golden retriever with zero academic instinct’ last week”

Jesper: “YEAH BUT I CAN SAY THAT. NOT YOU. JENS IS OFF LIMITS.”

[Yuki appears out of nowhere like a final boss with a wooden spoon]

Yuki: “who come house i make caramel flan today. 🍮”

Milos: “is it gluten free. i have no allergies just curious”

Sven: “YES YUKI I’M COMING. BRINGING DISHWASHING GLOVES”

CUT TO: MAC LAB. Jesper’s laptop is at 4%. Sam is half-asleep on a yoga ball. Tijjani is eating seaweed snacks like a man wronged. Jens is literally massaging Jesper’s shoulders every 15 minutes like he’s prepping him for an Olympic final. Sven is doing his paint-by-number kit on the side. Yuki has left to caramelize sugar. Milos is opening Pokémon cards.

Sam (out loud): “If we survive this I’m choosing you two again next time.”

Jesper: “Aw. Toxic little family.”

Tijjani: “Don’t make it weird.”

Jens: “You guys are so smart :)”

Tijjani: “don’t patronize me”

Jesper: “babe he didn’t mean it 🫶”

Milos: “i have 8 euros left if we want celebratory nuggets after”

NARRATOR (possibly Yuki’s rice cooker): And they did. Got 97%. Nobody knows how. Urban legend. God’s favorites.

LONG LIVE THE ALKMAAR SCHOLARS. LONG LIVE WEDNESDAY NIGHTS. AND LONG LIVE YUKI’S FLAN.

ALKMAAR 22/23 WAS NEVER THE SAME AFTER THAT INCIDENT. that bakery episode??? legendary. actually a case study in football psychology and human delusion. let’s unpack this culinary-espionage-gay chaos:

🍞 OPERATION SOURDOUGH SURVEILLANCE™️

Three 1998 MEN—Sam, Tijjani, and Jesper—sat down one Tuesday night and said:

"Let’s make a fake bakery Instagram so we can stalk people in peace."

and then made a whole brand. like:

  • aesthetic logo? ✅
  • moody lighting? ✅
  • overpriced sourdough in compostable wrapping? ✅
  • bio said: "just three friends baking joy 🥖💌"—which is a LIE and a CRY FOR HELP

🔍 WHO WERE THEY STALKING?

  • Jens’ exes: Jesper was scrolling like it was academic research.
  • Icelandic Albert (Jesper’s ex-situationship): we don’t talk about that man. but Jesper did. every time he saw a glacier.
  • Tijjani’s ex who liked three of Milos’ pics once: a national emergency
  • Sam’s ex who moved to Antwerp and started dating a DJ named Rick (blegh): needed surveillance
  • Yuki’s maybe-girlfriend Ayumi who made him giggle: a red flag according to Jesper

🧁 THE PLOT TWIST

THEY. STARTED. GETTING. ACTUAL. ORDERS.

Jesper: “guys what the fuck do we do someone ordered 12 gluten-free matcha cupcakes???”

Sam: googling how to temper chocolate Tijjani: “i’ll call my cousin she works at Albert Heijn bakery” Jesper: “bro shut up we can’t outsource this it’s an operation now”

they had to stay up until 2am baking sketchy muffins in Sam’s luxury kitchen that his parents paid for but he never used before that.

💥 THE AFTERMATH

Jens (scrolling on IG): “Why is there a bakery page following all of my exes AND commenting ‘looking great hun’???”

Jesper: guilty silence Tijjani: “It was for data.” Sam: “We delivered 6 banana loaves that week. Be grateful.”

Yuki: “Why Ayumi follow your bakery?? Me no trust. Me bake too.”

Sven: “Guys. If you need help, me and Yuki can help deliver next time!! We can do mini croissants 💖”

🎓 THE SAME THREE SCHOLARS

Let us never forget:

  • These were the same scholars who aced their UEFA C and sports psych certs
  • Who were suspiciously calm during finals while Milos was eating glue
  • Who ran study nights with color-coded notes and Jesper’s 7 types of pens

They were built different. Aged 25. Too old for this. And yet, too powerful to stop.

🍰 CONCLUSION:

This was not just surveillance. This was a small business. This was a gluten-fueled love letter to petty obsession. This was Alkmaar 22/23. And they delivered. Both the muffins and the madness.

ABSOLUTELY. this is the Cold War of Alkmaar 22/23, starring Sam and Jesper, two codependent chaos demons with equal amounts of love, spite, and the Wi-Fi passwords to each other's homes.

They weren’t just best friends. They were co-executives of Mutual Destruction.

And NOTHING was sacred. NOTHING.

🍼 Jesper texting Sam's mom at 9:02pm:

"Dear Mrs. B, just wanted to let you know that your sweet son called Yuki a ‘shrimp with a spiritual crisis’ and played Valorant until 3AM. Montessori doesn’t raise demons, right?"

💅 Sam forwarding a photo of Jens’ neck with 7 love bites to Mrs. K:

"Hi Jesper’s mom 😊 just keeping you updated on your little angel 😇 who mistook Jens for a feeding bottle again. Also he moaned during FIFA. Thought you should know."

📞 Jesper calling Sam’s dad:

“He said a word today. A BAD word. Started with ‘F’ and wasn’t ‘finance.’ You should take away his trust fund for a week.”

📸 Sam sending Simon a snap of Jesper mid-makeout:

“Your brother’s tongue has seen things. We need intervention. I’m scared.”

Meanwhile, Yuki the Ancient One™:

🧘 “Never give friend contact to family. Family is sacred. Teammate is snake. Teammate text my mom ‘Yuki said f-word.’ Mom now do exorcism.”

And you just know the rest of the boys were always living in fear:

  • Tijjani: “Why did my mom just call asking if I ‘support fornication’?”
  • Milos: “They’re gonna send my grandma my Reddit history.”
  • Sven: Googling how to delete his existence from the group chat.

But let’s not get it twisted. Sam and Jesper loved each other with the fury of a thousand suns.

They’d snitch, roast, drag each other through hell, but also fight God and Jens O. himself if the other was in danger. Platonic soulmates, chaotic war criminals, elite-level frenemies. A relationship stronger than any love story ever written.

Yuki said it best:

“They love. They fight. They snitch. They menace. They belong together. But me wish me never meet them sometimes.”

ALKMAAR 22/23. NOTHING—and I mean NOTHING—ever touched the chaos of the Great Fake Bakery Espionage Mission™ led by The Scholars™: Sam “barefoot billionaire,” Tijjani “main villain,” and Jesper “tunnel rat of the people.”

They created a fake bakery account to stalk:

  • Jens’ exes (Jesper’s personal spiral fuel)
  • Jesper’s ex situationship Icelandic Albert (name drop: “albertthesilverfox1999”)
  • Tijjani’s situationship who got a boyfriend with a motorbike
  • Sam’s ex who kept hard launching a DJ every week
  • Yuki’s secret girlfriend Ayumi, who nobody had met and who made Yuki blush and giggle like he was texting Taylor Swift herself

🍞 Operation: Pain au Spy

They chose the name “Heavenly Crumbs Alkmaar” and used a picture of a Pinterest cinnamon roll as the profile pic. Bio?

“Small biz run by 3 besties 💕 Orders open every Monday! 📍Alkmaar”

THEY GOT FOLLOWED BACK BY EVERYONE. INCLUDING JENS’ EX WHO LIKED TWO POSTS. Jesper nearly died of happiness (or anxiety). They got so cocky.

BUT THEN. THE EMAIL CAME.

“Hi! I saw your page, can I order a box of 6 cinnamon buns? They look amazing!”

REAL ORDER. REAL MONEY. REAL PROBLEM.

Jesper: “ok who the fuck can bake” Sam: “sven?” Tijjani: “we can’t involve civilians” Sven: “guys if you need help me and yuki can :)”

Yuki: already preheating oven silently in the corner Jens: “what the ACTUAL fuck is wrong with you guys” Jesper: “why are you mad?? it's your ex's fault for being private”

🎂 THE BAKING NIGHT:

They somehow—

  • Used Sam’s fancy-ass apartment kitchen because it had two ovens and a marble counter
  • Had Yuki decorating with tweezers like it was The Great British Bake Off
  • Tijjani nearly burned the first tray but then fixed it by saying, “bro trust me” and dumping melted butter on top
  • Jesper dropped one cinnamon bun and Sam screamed like someone got shot
  • Sven handwrote the thank you card and added stickers

Final result? GORGEOUS. Like too good. The person who ordered reposted the box on IG stories and said, “Best bakery in Alkmaar 🥺💕 support small businesses!!”

☠️ Aftermath:

  • They shut the account down the next day. RIP @heavenlycrumbs_alkmaar
  • Jens was SO MAD.

Jens: “You guys used a criminal front to stalk my ex-girlfriends and ended up starting a small business???” * Yuki: “Me say Ayumi also like bakery” * Jesper: “we literally did one crime and it turned out wholesome” * Sam: “we accidentally made money? that’s capitalism?”

😵‍💫 Final Tally:

  • One box of cinnamon buns sold
  • Five identities stalked
  • One mortal sin committed
  • Three geniuses got a new idea (Sam: “next week we do mochi. for research.”)

Nothing in the Alkmaar 22/23 era came close to this triple-IQ, unhinged scholar-fueled chaos.

And the worst part?

The buns were so good the person DMed again a week later. Jesper blocked them in fear.

ABSOLUTELY YES. Welcome to:

🧁 The Great Alkmaar 22/23 Underground Bakery Operation™

(also known in the groupchat as “Operation Cream-Filled Revenge”)

[Interior – Sam B.'s luxury apartment kitchen – 9:18PM] Sam, Jesper, and Tijjani are already in full prep mode. Matching aprons. Three-tier cake stands. The smell of butter, rage, and obsession fills the air.

Jesper (cracking eggs violently): “Albert posted his new gf’s Insta. That hoe wears ugly socks and I want her to eat a deflated lemon tart.”

Tijjani (whisking with athletic precision): “Send the order to his street but spell his name wrong on the box. Psychological warfare, baby.”

Sam (lighting a fancy candle): “This one’s from Jens’ ex. Wants strawberry shortcake. I’m putting in rose petals and heartbreak.”

[9:26PM – Jens walks in, holding a laundry basket. Stops mid-step.]

Jens: “WHY IS THERE A GODDAMN PRODUCTION LINE IN THE KITCHEN—”

Jesper: “We’re baking for my enemies. Help or leave.”

Jens: “I’m calling the authorities.”

Sam: “We ARE the authorities.”

Tijjani: “We have orders from 10 cities and 3 moral grey zones.”

[9:41PM – Yuki & Sven arrive. Yuki’s wearing slippers and sipping miso soup. Sven is already rolling fondant roses because of course he is.]

Yuki: “Me think… today me help decorate.”

Sven (peacefully): “Did you guys get a health permit for this?”

Everyone, in unison: “No.”

[10:07PM – Chaos level: nuclear.]

  • Sam is on his knees because he overwhipped the cream and is grieving.
  • Jesper is squinting at the Uber Eats tablet. “We have a pickup from ALBERT???”
  • Jens is holding a cake with shaking hands: “Jesper. Breathe. This is not worth prison time.”
  • Tijjani is spraying gold glitter onto everything. Everything.
  • Yuki is packing boxes with handwritten notes: “Eat well. Poop happy. – Yuki :)”
  • Sven is carving fondant flowers like a Renaissance sculptor. Milos is outside pressing his face on the glass like a raccoon.

[10:23PM – The cursed Albert order is ready.]

Jesper: “I decorated it with burnt sugar shards. Symbolic.”

Tijjani: “I piped ‘happy birthday’ but in Comic Sans energy.”

Sam: “I spit in it spiritually.”

[10:31PM – Emergency strikes.]

Sam: “We have ANOTHER order. It’s from Ayumi. FOR YUKI. TO BE DELIVERED TO YUKI’S OWN ADDRESS.”

Jens: “She’s… sending him cake? From Japan?? To his own house???”

Jesper (throwing frosting at the wall): “SHE’S PLAYING THE LONG GAME.”

Yuki (blushing): “Me… no comment.”

[11:00PM – Final tally:]

  • 14 cakes delivered.
  • 1 Uber driver cried.
  • Jens’ ex posted the cake on her story with “whoever made this is emotionally damaged but it’s delicious.”
  • Milos got banned from the kitchen 4 times. Still licked the frosting bowl.
  • Ayumi replied: “thank you. me happy.”
  • Jesper sat on the floor, tired but victorious.
  • Jens kissed his icing-stained forehead and whispered, “Next time, stalk less.”

Scene fades to black. A single crumb falls dramatically in slow motion. Somewhere, a Tinder ex receives banana bread. Nobody sleeps.

Alkmaar 22/23. There was football. But there was also... cake.

OHHHHHHHH you just spoke the holy gospel of the 1998 liners and now the doors of the chaotic church are WIDE OPEN because YES—

Jesper, Sam, and Tijjani (1998): They weren’t friends. They weren’t enemies. They were three feral electrons trapped in the same orbit, powered by spite, genius, and an unspoken rule of if one of us dies, the other two loot his locker.

🧠 THE SHARED 1998 LINERS BRAIN CELL™:

  • it wasn’t always active. but when it was? everyone else needed to evacuate the building.

  • it powered:

  • illegal tactical moves

  • flirty insults that sounded like love confessions
  • full breakdowns of a coach’s poor substitutions mid-match while giggling and biting fruit snacks

☕️ FLIRTING AND FIGHTING — THE 1998 LANGUAGE

Sam:

  • “do you want me to braid your hair or break your legs today?”
  • flirts through confidence and chaos
  • accidentally touches everyone’s waist. refuses to apologize.

Jesper:

  • “shut up before i kiss you and ruin your entire career.”
  • doesn’t flirt. just breathes in your direction and smirks.
  • fluent in psychological warfare with boys 20 cm taller than him.

Tijjani:

  • “your outfit’s ugly and you’re lucky i’m into disasters.”
  • main villain energy. but he blushes if you wink at him.
  • will fight you, then ask for gum 10 minutes later like nothing happened.

🎯 CONVERSATIONS THEY HAD DAILY (REAL, NOT AI-FICTIONAL):

Sam: "Jesper if you flirt with that leftback one more time I’ll call Jens and tell him you kissed a goalpost." Jesper: "Do it. Then kiss me so it’s worth the drama." Tijjani: eating chips "I hate you both and I hope your national team loses." Sam: "Not Denmark and Sweden beef again PLEASE—"

🎀 THEY WERE NOT FLIRTING. THEY WERE:

  • aggressively evaluating each other’s cheekbones.
  • comparing bench press PRs just to end it with a “damn you look good though.”
  • holding hands at nightclubs to not lose each other but screaming “GET OFF ME” if someone asked if they were dating.

🔮 BONUS: JESPER VS JENS JEALOUSY ERA

The minute Jens entered the chat in July 2022 and saw this dynamic:

Jens, watching Sam and Jesper bicker-flirt over croissants: “...what the fuck is happening. are they enemies. is he cheating on me. are they married. why is tijjani laughing like that.”

Jesper: still smugly chewing Sam’s sandwich “Relax. We were born cursed.”

Sam: “Bro if you ever hurt him I’ll steal you next. Or fight you. Depends on my mood.”

Jens: immediate IBS attack

LET US GATHER HERE TODAY, under the Church of Chaos, to celebrate:

THE 1998 LINERS FLIRT-INSULT APOCALYPSE COMPILATION™ starring Jesper K. (Sweden’s rabid flirt), Sam B. (barefoot tycoon with emotional damage), and Tijjani R. (main villain, part-time therapist)

Set in the hallowed walls of Alkmaar 22/23, where the vibes were good, the outfits were better, and the 1998 liners were actively ruining lives.

📍SCENE 1: Locker Room Olympics (8:42am)

Jesper: walking in with sunglasses, croissant, and zero morals "Why are you dressed like a tax accountant who lost a bet, Sam?"

Sam: "Bold words from a man who uses lip balm more than he passes the ball." he flicks Jesper’s ear

Tijjani: not looking up from his protein shake "Both of you shut up. You’re giving me IBS and I’m not even dating you."

Milos (horrified, age 19, from Serbia): "Are they fighting? Are they married? Should I leave?"

Sven (sunshine himbo, always confused): "Are they okay?"

Yuki (sipping tea peacefully): "No. But beautiful."

Jens (from across the room, narrowing eyes): "If anyone touches Jesper again I’ll kill them and plead temporary insanity."

📍SCENE 2: Cafeteria Casualties (11:13am)

Jesper: eating someone else’s dessert with no shame "Sam’s cooking tastes like rich trauma."

Sam: "You’re one to talk. You season your food with tears and Jens’ approval."

Tijjani: quietly, like a demon from the void "Jesper once made me a smoothie with ginger and regret. I’m still healing."

Yuki (giggling behind his cup): "Jesper has chaos tongue."

Jens (slamming tray down): "He has a loving tongue. Shut up."

Milos (to Sven): "This is my thirteenth reason."

📍SCENE 3: Training Ground DANGER (17:42pm)

Coach: "Let’s keep it clean—" Jesper: immediately slide tackles Sam, laughing "Oops!"

Sam: grinning, flips him off "You tackle like a drunk flamingo."

Tijjani: casually nutmegs both of them "Love is stored in the nutmeg."

Jesper: "I hope you get benched." Tijjani: "I hope you get dumped." Jesper: gasp Sam: snorts "Bro he can’t. Jens would die."

Jens (from sidelines): "I would. Try me."

📍SCENE 4: Night Out?? Emotional Crimes (23:07pm)

Jesper: drunk and sparkly "You two think you’re hotter than me. You’re not."

Sam: "I think I’m hotter, richer, and smarter."

Tijjani: "I think I’m above all of this but I still showed up to ruin your life."

Jesper: "Fine. Then who would Jens pick?"

Jens (just trying to survive): "Jesper. Every time. Even when he’s insufferable. Especially then."

Everyone: gags in unison

Milos: "I feel like I’m in a YA fanfic and I’m the narrator who dies halfway."

🎀 1998 LINERS M.O.

  • Flirt, insult, destroy each other, then go to brunch together like nothing happened.
  • Outsiders were never safe.
  • Jesper: Wild, chaotic, emotionally violent.
  • Sam: Witty, lethal, never paid for coffee.
  • Tijjani: Evil but secretly soft. Wears turtlenecks to murder people with compliments.