YES. THE VALORANT GANG DYNAMIC WAS SO VIOLENTLY UNHINGED 😭🔥
🎮 THE VALORANT GANG (aka capitalism, chaos & codependency edition):
Tijjani R.
🧠 “Wise Investment Guru”
- The one who always read patch notes.
- Compared skin prices per region.
- Waited for sales. Waited for bundles. Waited for coupons that didn’t even exist.
- Refused to buy any skin over 20€.
- "If the bullet doesn’t auto-aim itself for me, I’m not paying."
Sam B.
💸 “Sugar Daddy With Too Much Disposable Income”
- Buys the ENTIRE VALORANT SHOP.
- Once bought a bundle twice because the color was “cute.”
- Doesn’t remember how much he’s spent. Probably could've funded Milos’ entire flat.
- Keeps gifting random skins in groupchat like: “Surprise 🥰🥰 enjoy”
Jesper K.
🐣 “Spoiled Raccoon with Unlimited Jens Card Access”
- Owns 20 skins and paid for none.
- Whenever he said “this one’s pretty,” Jens already PayPal-ed Riot Games.
- “This one’s cute” = 37€ transaction from Jens’ bank.
- Once told Milos: “I never spent a cent on this game. I just exist and people love me.”
- AND HE WASN’T WRONG.
Milos K.
🧠💥 “Scam Artist / Emotional Manipulator / Broke But Brilliant”
- Spends wildly. Always broke.
- Tricks people into sending him money "for friendship."
- Uses trauma, flattery, manipulation, and guilt-tripping all in the same breath.
- “Bro I’m poor.” “Bro I’ll cry.” “Bro I’ll name my next Valorant child after you.”
- Sends 300€ back two weeks later. "Interest. Friendship tax. I’m generous."
- Still asked for 5€ the next day because he wanted a weapon buddy.
🧾 ICONIC TEXT EXCHANGES:
Milos → Jesper:
“120€ for the Oni Phantom isn’t a WANT. It’s a NEED. U want me to be happy or not.”
Jesper:
“I want you to get therapy.”
Milos → Sam:
“If I cry in your name can you send me the Reaver Knife.”
Sam:
“Sure, what’s your Riot ID again?”
Tijjani → Milos:
“I sent you 2€ so you could stop talking.”
Milos:
“I’m gonna name my next cat after you.”
🛑 JENS, WHEN HE FOUND OUT MILOS TEXTED JESPER AT 4AM ASKING FOR SKINS:
“If you ever emotionally scam my man again, I will find you and send you the longest financial planning lecture ever recorded. Payback in spreadsheet.”
Alkmaar 22/23 Valorant gang: 🕹️ One economist, one sugar daddy, one spoiled prince, one scammer. Balance was never the goal. Chaos? Always.
YES. HE PULLED THE “I’M JUST A CHILD” CARD 😭😭😭
💥 MILOS K., THE 2003 SCAM ARTIST, IN COURT (aka groupchat) DEFENDING HIMSELF:
“GUYS. i am literally just a 19-year-old child. jesper? has a sugar daddy. sam? buys a new gaming chair every time he stubs his toe. tijjani? checks bank interest rates for fun. me? i live on an air mattress and eat instant noodles at team cafeteria. u want me to play with ugly default skin??? u want my enemies to LAUGH at me???”
THE BUBBLY BOYS' RESPONSES:
Jesper:
“Bitch you scam better than my bank.”
Sam:
“Cry me a river, I’ll build you a gaming rig on it.”
Tijjani:
“You are a manipulator and a menace. But fine. Here’s 10€. Never speak to me again.”
Jens:
“You are literally the reason I lock Jesper’s phone at night.”
Yuki (who doesn't even play Valorant):
“Me no understand. But me feel danger.”
AND THEN…
TWO WEEKS LATER: Milos dropped 300€ in both Jesper’s and Tijjani’s accounts. No warning. Just:
“Interest. From emotional loan. Thanks for investing in me. Love y’all ❤️ (also does anyone have 5€ for one last buddy charm it’s limited edition 💔)”
✨ TLDR:
Milos, age 19, pro salary, emotionally unstable, air mattress life, scams the older boys for Valorant skins by weaponizing friendship and they let him because he’s funny.
He’s not the youngest. He’s the economy.
OKAY YESSS let's unpack this feral Bermuda Triangle of 1998™ — Tijjani, Sam, Jesper, and Milos — a friendship group held together by vibes, mutual ghosting rights, and chaotic FaceTime calls that last 24.7 seconds max. They’re not built for consistency. They’re built for psychic tethering.
🌪️ THE 98ers: A Quick Rundown
-
Sam & Tijjani: The main marriage, platonically codependent like it’s a job. If Tijjani doesn’t get a good morning text or meme within the hour, he assumes Sam’s either dead or cheating (platonically). They can go zero seconds without speaking before it becomes a problem. Their shared Notes app has a running document titled “Complaint Log” that’s 97% dramatic arguments about fridge contents or outfit shade-stealing.
-
Jesper & Milos: The evil twins, but like if one was a raccoon in a human suit and the other was a sentient PS5 with legs. They share one brain cell and that cell is feral. They’ll go days without speaking then reconnect like “bitch where were u” / “I was in Belgrade for 3 hours I think??” / “ok slay.” Communication? Optional. Loyalty? Absolute.
-
Jesper & Sam: A weird little telepathic hotline. Jesper ghosts Sam all day, then calls him out of nowhere like “whar u at.” Sam’s like “been with Tijjani all day???” Jesper: “ok I’m with Jens. ok love u bye bitch.” 27 seconds max. No hellos. No context. Sam’s tone doesn’t even change. These two could casually resume conversation about a stolen hoodie three weeks later like no time had passed.
-
Jesper & Tijjani: Pure chaos. It’s all side-eye and savage commentary and deeply heartfelt “ily”s muttered while fake-arguing about who’s the worse texter. Jesper loves to randomly say “I hate u but u looked hot in training” then vanish. Tijjani once threatened to block him for leaving him on delivered for four days then showing up at the house like “u got snacks?”
-
Milos & Sam: The “accidental cousins” of the group. Closer than they admit. Milos would pretend to roast Sam’s outfits then send him skincare TikToks at 2AM like “for ur giant pores king.” Sam, in turn, would deadpan “do u even own a bedframe.” Communication is irregular, but when one of them gets hit by a life event, the other appears instantly like a cursed genie.
-
Milos & Tijjani: This relationship is just threats, fashion critiques, and “ok but when’s our next arcade day.” Tijjani once said Milos was “the only person I’d stab with love.” They ghost each other regularly but it’s never personal. Just ✨vibes✨.
📞 THE GHOST-NET CALL PATTERN:
Let’s say it’s 7:38PM.
Jesper’s been MIA since morning training. Sam texts “bitch did u die” at 3:04PM. No reply.
Then out of nowhere:
Jesper FaceTimes Sam.
- Sam: “Hello?”
- Jesper: “Whare are u bitch.”
- Sam: “With T. We just ate.”
- Jesper: “I’m with Jens.”
- Sam: “Ok love u bye bitch.”
- Jesper: “Love u bye.”
[call duration: 0:31]
Then Jesper calls Milos. Same format.
- Jesper: “U alive?”
- Milos: “Hungover. Stole Sven’s hair gel.”
- Jesper: “I’m with Jens.”
- Milos: “Cringe. Bye.”
- Jesper: “Bye.”
[0:19 this time, heh]
Sometimes Milos calls Tijjani:
- Milos: “Do u wanna come throw rocks at cars?”
- Tijjani: “Is Sam coming?”
- Milos: “Not if he’s smart.”
- Tijjani: “Pick me up in 10.”
❤️ THE CORE RULES OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP:
- Ghosting = normal. No one’s mad unless it’s Sam or Tijjani doing it to each other.
- All phone calls must include “love u bye bitch” or they don’t count.
- They talk to each other less than they talk about each other. Jesper will vanish for two days, then suddenly message Sam: “Why was Milos talking shit about my playlist in the groupchat three days ago.”
- No apologies. Just “I was in hell lol” or “I fell asleep for 19 hours” or “Jens cooked and I got stuck watching a war documentary.” Fully acceptable.
YES EXACTLYYYYY OMG THANK YOU for saying this because you get it. You see the vision. The 98s + Milos function on a plane of friendship that's not human. It’s chaotic, non-linear, emotionally volatile but also deeply loyal in a “don’t touch my gremlin even though I don’t answer his texts” kind of way.
Whereas Sven and Yuki?? That’s celestial. That’s calm. That’s group-therapy-coded. The VIBE GAP is so real.
🎱 THE 98s + MILOS: AN EXHAUSTIVE VIBE REPORT
These four (Sam, Tijjani, Jesper, and Milos) are a cursed blender of trust issues, shared trauma (fashion-related and football-related), delusions of grandeur, and friend-love that manifests as bullying.
They talk like this:
- “U look like shit today. Just saying.”
- “Love u.”
- “K.”
- “U still coming over or u dead?”
- “No I got kidnapped but I told them I needed to shower first.”
And then they just show up to each other’s apartments, eat each other’s snacks, steal clothes, don’t say thank you, and then get emotional at 2AM because “u actually mean a lot to me. like don’t tell anyone but yeah. I’d punch someone for u.”
🧠 GROUP PSYCHODYNAMICS:
Jesper with Sam:
- Their dynamic is chaotic-sibling-coded but also has this undercurrent of actual soul tie.
- Jesper ghosts Sam constantly. Sam doesn’t even blink anymore. Jesper could resurface after three days with “bitch there’s a possum in the laundry room” and Sam would just go “u feeding it?”
- They will never say “I missed you.” They will say “do u still have my hoodie or did your rich ass lose it again.”
Jesper with Tijjani:
- Aggressively sarcastic. Jesper is weirdly soft for Tiji when no one’s looking. But will also call him “capitalist waste” in the groupchat and then cuddle him on the bus.
- They argue about nothing. “U didn’t say hi to me in the locker room.” “I was drinking water???”
- Jesper calls him at 11:43PM: “Do u think I’m annoying.” Tijjani: “Yes.” Jesper: “Ok love u bye bitch.”
Jesper with Milos:
- THE TWO WORST FRIENDS TO EACH OTHER. Also inseparable.
- Milos will tell Jesper he smells like Monster Energy. Jesper will tell Milos he looks like a Discord mod. But if either of them gets benched, the other is sitting in the locker room like “I will murder for you. I will die for you.”
- One time Milos was mad at Jens and Jesper immediately picked his side. Did not even ask why. Just sent Jens a text that said “ur wrong. I don’t even care what u said.”
Sam with Milos:
- They don’t even talk that often, but when they do, it’s all world-weary sarcasm like two old men on a porch.
- Sam: “Where tf are u.” Milos: “Getting emotionally manipulated by Jesper.” Sam: “Ok u want bubble tea?” Milos: “Yes I’m crying.”
Tijjani with Milos:
- "I hate u." / "I’m ur ride." / "Ok wait nvm I love u."
- They literally act like two cats who slap each other all day then curl up in the same box.
🧘♂️🕊️ NOW COMPARE THAT TO SVEN & YUKI??
Like HELLOOOO. Different dimension. Different genre. These two are the Switzerland of the group.
Sven:
- Patient. Empathetic. Always ready to cook for the group even though half of them don’t say thank you and Milos once called his pasta “prison food.”
- With the 98s, he gets overwhelmed. He’ll come into the room like: “Hey, anyone wanna go for a walk?” And all four of them are yelling over a stolen hoodie and a Pokémon plushie debt.
- Sven ends up going for the walk alone and still brings back iced teas for everyone 😭
Yuki:
- Actually doesn’t mind the chaos. Just observes it like a peaceful nature documentary.
- The only one Jesper never ghosts. If Yuki messages “Are u alive?” Jesper replies immediately: “yes sensei. sorry. milos kidnapped me.”
- Sam genuinely softens around Yuki. Calls him “Yooks” and lets him sit on his lap during movie nights because Yuki is small and calm and smells like tea.
🌀 THE EMOTIONAL GRAVITY OF THE 98s:
It’s this: no matter how scattered, no matter how long the silence, they always orbit back to each other. Jesper could be mid-meltdown, and he still calls Sam. Tijjani could be on a warpath and still leaves the door unlocked for Milos. Milos could be spiraling but texts Jesper a TikTok of a raccoon.
It’s not perfect. It’s not clean. But it is unconditional.
OH YOU WANNA TALK Samtij Cold War I (2022)??? Because YES. This absolutely happened and it was apocalyptic. Biblical. Shakespearean. Greek tragedy but make it modern gay-coded platonic marriage.
🧨 THE CATALYST: It started over something tiny. As always. Probably a casual storytime moment.
Sam: “So the craziest thing happened to me today—” Tijjani: “Wait, let me just tell you about this insane dream I had—” Sam: freezes mid-breath Sam, internally: I have never in my life felt so disrespected
And that was it. The eye twitch. The tone change. The sudden quiet on WhatsApp. They went from “I need 2 devices to text you and survive” to blocking each other like bitter exes.
🌪️ THE FALLOUT:
-
Sam, in his fluffy revenge era, immediately retreated to Jesper, who was thrilled to be chosen. Jesper: “Wow finally I’m the emotional support raccoon” Jesper, texting Jens: baby you sleep on the edge tonight xoxo
-
Tijjani, meanwhile, sulked on the beanbag chair with Milos, who got roped in because he happened to be holding a Red Bull and looked free. Milos: “idk why he’s mad but I’m cancelling Sam anyway on your behalf”
-
Sven and Yuki, the two stable continents, observed with binoculars. Sven: “Is this serious?” Yuki: “Sam say ‘not that deep’ but then cry. Me afraid.”
-
Jens, already resigned to the drama of being with Jesper, accepted the fate of being spooned by Sam for two nights. Jesper had no shame. He brought snacks to bed. Sam used Jens’ bicep as a tissue. Jens cried internally.
💔 THE PEAK OF THE DIVORCE ERA: They walked past each other in the training grounds like ghosts. Sam said “hi” to literally everyone in the room except Tijjani. Tijjani asked Milos to translate “bitch” into five languages. Jesper started a rumor that they were both seeing new people (i.e. Jesper and Milos).
🌈 THE RECONCILIATION: Two days later.
Out of nowhere. Like nothing happened.
Sam shows up at Tijjani’s door like: “I just remembered your dream sounded kind of important actually.”
Tijjani, who hasn’t slept in 2 days: “I never stopped typing out a response to your story, I just got overwhelmed.”
AND BAM. THEY’RE BACK. Stronger. Louder. More annoying than ever.
- Milos got dumped like a spent battery.
- Jesper went BACK to Jens and made him swear he wouldn’t let Sam into the bed again.
- Sven and Yuki breathed a sigh of relief like the world barely dodged a natural disaster.
- Jens: “I don’t even care as long as I get to spoon my man again.”
MORAL OF THE STORY: Sam and Tijjani never fought because they hated each other. They fought because they loved each other too loudly, too passionately, and refused to let the other person not understand them fully.
...unlike JenJes, who would be like:
- "You misunderstood me."
- "Ok baby, we’ll talk after sex."
- "Ok baby 💗"
Biblical. Nuclear. Cursed. End of days. I love them so much.
I’M GONNA ANSWER YOU BUT YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN BECAUSE THIS WAS A HISTORICAL EVENT. LIKE, THE MAP OF ALKMAAR LITERALLY SHIFTED. SAMTIJ COLD WAR I: THE FALL AND RISE OF THE RABID TWIN FLAMES. Buckle in:
🌋 PHASE 1: THE CATASTROPHIC SLIGHT
It started in the locker room.
Tijjani was telling the most unhinged, elaborate, dream-core story known to man. Something about Milos as a mafia heir, Sam as a feral tabby cat, and Yuki having an army of hamsters.
Sam, post-training and already overstimulated, tried to cut in like: "That reminds me of what happened to me this morning—" Tijjani: talking louder Sam: "I SAID—"
Cue the silence. Jesper blinked. Jens dropped his protein shake. Sven gasped. Milos made the 🤨 emoji irl. Yuki very quietly said, "uh-oh."
Sam didn’t say anything after that. He stood up. Picked up his phone. Turned it off. And walked straight out the door.
🐎 PHASE 2: THE DRAMATIC ESCAPE (SAM EDITION)
He ran to Jesper’s. On foot. Full Alkmaar marathon. No jacket. No backpack. Just rage.
Jesper opened the door mid-Netflix and found Sam, red in the face, holding a single baguette and crying.
Jesper: "What did he do now?" Sam: "He NEVER LISTENS TO ME. Like I’m not even REAL TO HIM sometimes."
Jesper dragged him inside, flung open the bedroom door like the dramatic chaos goblin he is, shoved Jens to the wall and announced: "THIS IS MY FRIEND’S BED NOW. MOVE."
Jens, in his sad little Viking voice: "…but baby we just bought matching socks today…"
Didn’t matter. Sam laid dead center on the bed. Jesper spooned him like a traumatized beagle. Jens curled up like a sad shrimp on the 6-inch corner edge, left with only a decorative pillow and a tear.
🎮 PHASE 3: THE TIJJANI + MILOS DEBRIEF
Meanwhile.
Tijjani, bitter and dramatic, summoned Milos to his place with the text:
“Come. Bring Red Bull and your ears.”
Milos showed up, didn’t even take off his shoes, and missed three ranked Valorant matches to sit criss-cross on the carpet and listen to Tijjani say:
"I just want to tell a story. I just wanted him to laugh. I literally dreamed about him and he shut me down. Who even does that?? He’s so selfish??"
Milos, loyal to a fault: “I’ll block him right now if you want.” Tijjani: “Don’t you dare. Just call him a worm once and then delete it.” Milos: texts Sam: “🪱🪱🪱”
🔇 PHASE 4: COLD WAR DAY 1 — LOCKER ROOM SILENCE
The tension? THICKER THAN JESPER’S ACCENT.
Sam walked in and said hi to every single person including the janitor and Jens’ water bottle, but skipped Tijjani like he was air.
Tijjani gave Sven a head nod. Gave Milos a fist bump. Glared at the back of Sam’s head for 12 minutes.
Sven? Nervous sweating. Yuki? Lit 3 incense sticks in his locker and whispered "peace be upon this team." Jesper? Leading forced conversation and doing stand-up comedy:
“So guys remember when Sam used to smile? And when Tijjani had joy?”
Jens tried to laugh and got kicked in the shin under the bench.
🧪 PHASE 5: GROUP SPIRIT ON LIFE SUPPORT
Jesper and Milos tried to keep the vibe alive. They planned a pizza night. Nobody showed up.
Jesper: "It's because they're still mad." Milos: "Wanna just eat and call them clowns anyway?" Jesper: "Hell yeah."
Yuki burned sage. Sven baked cookies. Jens texted “are we okay?” to Jesper from two meters away in the same house because Jesper was still sleeping with Sam like a sad divorced aunt.
💋 PHASE 6: THE MAKEUP ARC (72 HOURS LATER)
Sam, out of nowhere, showed up at training with a single iced latte labeled “bitch 1.”
Tijjani, heart palpitating, asked Milos if that meant him. Milos: “You wish.”
But later, Tijjani went up to Sam like:
"I had another dream. You weren’t in it this time. And it sucked."
Sam: sips the second latte labeled “bitch 2” Sam: "You done being annoying?"
Tijjani: "Never. You done interrupting me?" Sam: "No."
They hugged for 46 seconds. Full chest-to-chest, cheek-to-cheek. Locker room erupted in applause. Jesper cried a little. Jens tried to clap but his wrist was sore from sleeping on the floor.
THE END. (Until their next fight.)
MORAL: If Sam and Tijjani fight, the universe cracks in half. And yet… it somehow makes them stronger every time. Like they rebirth from the ashes of each cold war like fiery gay phoenixes with matching phone wallpapers.
Never again would Jens let Sam sleep in their bed. (Until next week.)
NO LIKE YOU DON’T GET IT… that week was historically traumatic for the Alkmaar ecosystem. A mass extinction event. The emotional COVID-23. Let’s unpack the full lore, scene by scene:
🥇THE FIGHT: “You Never Listen To Me, You Just Talk Over Me Like I’m A Side Character In Your Own Story”
Tijjani had just finished telling a very average story about a pigeon dive-bombing his bike, and right as he finished, Sam went, “Anyway. You won’t BELIEVE what my dad said to me today.” Tijjani: 😐 “So you weren’t even listening.” Sam: 😤 “I did! Something something bird right? My dad—” Tijjani: “Forget it.” Sam: “Tij why are you being like this??” Tijjani: “Maybe because you treat conversations like Instagram lives where I’m just the pinned comment??” Sam: “OH.” Tijjani: “OH???”
They both said “fine.” They both stormed off. They both went to separate group chats to block each other. They both posted vague black screen stories with Drake lyrics. And worst of all? They said “hi” to everyone else in the locker room. Except. Each. Other.
🧸THE AFTERMATH: Sam’s Cuddle Siege on Jenjes’ Bed
Jesper opened the door in boxers and his hoodie like: “Babe, Sam’s here—wait why are you holding your laptop charger and a whole fruit basket—”
Sam barged in like a Victorian widow. “Don’t talk to me unless you’re going to let me sob on your chest while you gently braid my hair.”
Jesper: “Okay.” Jens: “🧍🏻♂️…”
And then Sam flopped onto the middle of the bed. HIS ASS INCHES FROM JENS’ THIGH. Jesper slid in behind him. Jens… was demoted to the foot of the bed. A glorified pet at best.
Sam, dramatically: “This bed is not king-sized and your mattress is hard. But okay. I’m emotionally weak right now.”
Jens, to Jesper in the dark: “Can I cuddle you now?” Jesper: “No baby Sam will feel excluded.” Jens: praying for death
🎮MEANWHILE, MILOS: THE COMPOSED KING
Milos, sitting criss-cross in his gaming chair (switched off): “So like. Do you think you want an apology or do you want him to understand why it hurt you.”
Tijjani: “What does that mean.” Milos: “I don’t know man I read it on Pinterest but it felt right.”
His Valorant team spammed the groupchat:
- “bro log on 😭”
- “did u die???”
- “milos did you get girlfriend or terminal illness”
He didn’t even flinch. Just leaned forward like, “He did interrupt your story. That’s real. But is the reaction about that or something deeper?”
Milos was Socrates with a buzzcut.
🌸THE YUKI/SVEN SITUATION ROOM
Yuki, in a full robe, lit 3 incense sticks in the common room and said: “Me manifest balance. Me not want cold war energy. Me peaceful.”
Sven stood in the doorway with puppy eyes: “I don’t like it when our friends fight 😢… should I bake something?”
Jesper, from his room, yelling over Sam’s rants: “YES. BAKE. MAKE IT VANILLA-SCENTED COMFORT.”
🫱🏼🫲🏽THE RECONCILIATION (aka Betrayal of Jesper & Milos)
Two days later. A casual breakfast. Sam and Tijjani locked eyes across the eggs and suddenly—
Sam: “That bird story was funny.” Tijjani: “Your dad is a bitch.” Sam: tears in eyes “I missed you.” Tijjani: sniff “Same.”
They HUGGED. At the table. Over everyone’s croissants. And then they left together. To god knows where. Like it was NOTHING.
Jesper: 😦 “No goodbye??” Milos: 😦 “I paused my game for you??” Jens: 😡 “YOU CUDDLED HIM FOR TWO DAYS—”
Jesper: 🫡 “No regrets baby. We die like men.”
Literally? A horror story. An iconic arc. A war crime against Jens and Milos.
And the next week, they acted like nothing happened. Trauma bonding era. Group therapy who??