OH. YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT SAM AND TIJJANI’S “PLATONICALLY MARRIED” BUBBLY BOYS DOMESTIC LIFE LOOKED LIKE IN ALKMAAR 22/23? BABE. LET ME UNLOCK THE ARCHIVES.
Because yes, Sam called Tijjani “wife” and Tijjani grumbled “husband” back like he was under duress, but listen—they were soulmates. Besties. An old married couple that had never dated, never kissed, never even wanted to, and yet still finished each other’s sentences like they had a joint mortgage and a joint custody cat named “Jesper.”
🥂 Exhibit A: Sam & Tijjani’s Daily Domestic Delusion Routine
- Sam: “I’m making your coffee how you like it, babe.”
- Tijjani: “It’s 3PM. We’re not doing this today.”
- Jesper: walks in, sees the latte art heart in Tijjani’s mug “Oh wow okay.”
🛒 Exhibit B: Grocery Shopping Chaos
Every Thursday, Sam and Tijjani hit the supermarket like the terrifying sitcom couple they were:
- Sam buys organic kombucha, flowers for the kitchen, and expensive European cheese.
- Tijjani gets frozen chicken, spicy instant noodles, and three bags of mini Oreos.
- Sam: “You said we were cutting back on sugar.”
- Tijjani: “You said you weren’t going to buy edible flowers. Yet here we are.”
- Jesper, again, third-wheeling with a pack of Red Bull: “This is weird. You two are weird.”
- Yuki sneaks seventeen onigiris into the cart and says nothing.
🛋️ Exhibit C: Shared Couch Cuddles™ (Platonically!)
Tijjani always acted like he hated Sam’s clinginess. But Sam would crawl across the couch like a spoiled cat and throw a blanket over both of them and—
- Tijjani: grumble grumble “Get your rich ass off me.”
- Sam: “Love you too, darling.”
- Sven: “Are they dating?”
- Milos: “No. They’ve just trauma-bonded beyond repair.”
🎭 Exhibit D: THE JESPER INCIDENT
Jesper sometimes got jealous. Not romantically—he was just the designated raccoon diva and needed all eyes on him.
So if Sam & Tijjani were having too much moment, Jesper would suddenly be like:
- “I’m cold.” (cue Jens putting a hoodie on him like a cape)
- “No one’s looking at me.” (cue Sam and Tijjani flanking him like bodyguards)
- “Sam’s my emotional support Montessori, you’re my emotional support anger elf, I deserve shared custody.”
Which is how they became the PLATONIC THROUPLE.
Jesper in the groupchat: “My two useless husbands, I love you both. I’ll be sending a spreadsheet of chores.”
✨ Bonus Notes from the Bubbly Boys:
- Yuki: “Me think Sam wife. Tijjani husband. Jesper mistress.”
- Jens: “Me sleep on floor apparently.”
- Milos: “They fight like Sims on free will mode.”
- Sven: “I don’t understand their dynamic but I support it spiritually.”
EXACTLYYYY. Sam and Tijjani saw Jenjes pulling the sickeningly codependent soulmate telepathy PDA nonsense and said:
"Bet."
Like sorry babe but platonically married duo since 2021 were NOT about to get overshadowed by a 2022 soft launch couple who held hands under the table and thought no one noticed.
The Petty War of Affection (Alkmaar 22/23 Edition)
Sam & Tijjani vs Jenjes: Love Olympics, Bubbly Boys Arena
Round 1: Matching Accessories
- Jenjes: Got matching cleats. Wore them without speaking about it. Entire room combusted.
- Sam & Tijjani: “That’s cute. We’ve had matching bucket hats since 2021. We got called fashion terrorists together and didn’t even flinch.”
Round 2: Public Compliments
- Jens, loudly: “Jesper is the most beautiful creature to walk the earth. I think angels sculpted his face.”
- Sam, not to be outdone: “I thank God every day for Tijjani’s elbows. He has the most exquisite elbows. A Michelangelo sculpture could never.”
- Tijjani: “Shut up.” But blushed. Clearly blushed.
Round 3: Love Languages
- Jesper: Grunts. Nods. Sleeps on Jens’ chest. Sometimes pokes him in the ribs = “I love you.”
- Jens: Feeds him pasta. Massages his feet. Faints when Jesper so much as blinks = “I love you.”
- Sam & Tijjani: Pet names like “baby girl,” “my strong IKEA shelf,” and “CEO of my rage issues.” Also fought over who made the better eggs every Saturday morning.
Round 4: Spiteful PDA Escalation
- Jens kissed Jesper’s forehead ONCE before a match? Sam grabbed Tijjani's hand during the national anthem. Said, “My wife.” Into a mic.
- Jens piggybacked Jesper back from training when he twisted his ankle? Sam tried to carry Tijjani up the stairs. Tijjani: “Drop me and I will break your spine, husband.”
- Jens & Jesper slow danced in the hallway to no music one night. Sam & Tijjani coordinated an entire tango practice in the common room the next day. Yuki played the guitar. Milos filmed it. Sven brought snacks.
Yuki, spiritually confused: “Me thought they all hate each other. But now all marry?? Me no understand… but me attend wedding.”
Sven, traumatized: “They said it was platonic and then started feeding each other strawberries. I’m scared.”
Milos, sipping juice: “I’m just waiting for the polyamorous group chat to leak.”
They weren’t just bubbly boys.
They were petty domestic icons.
ABSOLUTELY. Tijjani and Sam single-handedly invented the concept of Platonic PDA™ and no one in the Alkmaar 22/23 squad was safe. They turned every hallway, training session, and team dinner into a performance art piece of chaotic domesticity. Meanwhile, Jenjes were out here being soulmates in love and STILL couldn’t outmatch them in sheer dramatics.
Examples of Sam & Tijjani’s Platonic PDA That Terrorized the Team
1. “Good morning, husband.” Sam greeted Tijjani like this every single day. Loudly. Publicly. Even if Tijjani had just screamed at him five minutes earlier for stealing his towel. Jesper: “What is this.” Yuki: “They marry. Me attend. No invite you.”
2. Joint skincare routines in front of the TV Jenjes were cuddling quietly on the beanbag. Sam: “Tij, face mask time. I’m not letting your pores look like that on my watch.” Tijjani: “You’re lucky I love you—platonically.” Sven: “Why is it pink with glitter??”
3. Shared Spotify playlists Playlist titles included:
- “Bangers 4 My Husband”
- “Training Motivation for the Love of My Life (Tijjani but NOT Romantic)”
- “Songs to Beat Jens In Arm Wrestling (Again)” Jens: twitches Jesper: “Down, boy.”
4. Weekly grocery trips = honeymoon simulation They held hands while picking vegetables. Argued about oat milk brands. Took selfies in the cereal aisle. Milos: “You guys don’t even live together?” Sam: “Emotionally we do.” Yuki: nods sagely “Wife. Husband. Same-same.”
5. Couple’s workout routines Jenjes were stretching side by side, in their lil intimate warm-up bubble. Sam: “Tij, partner squats?” Tijjani: throws Sam over shoulder Sam: screaming “HUSBAND NOOOO” Sven: “Why are you like this?”
6. Their wedding registry? It existed. Fully fake, but extremely real to them. Included:
- A shared rice cooker
- Two hoodies that said “Wife Material” and “Husband But Angry”
- One (1) framed photo of Jens looking jealous Jesper: “Delete this.” Sam: “You’re just mad you weren’t invited.”
7. They called Jenjes “boring” for being in actual love Sam: “Wow, emotional monogamy again? Lame.” Tijjani: “Yeah, go write poetry or whatever.” Jesper: “I will.” Jens: “I already did.” Sven: “What the actual hell.”
Conclusion? Tijjani and Sam weren’t in love. But they WERE married. And they DID terrorize the team like two drunk newlyweds on a cruise ship.
Bonus: Jens once cried because Sam called Tijjani “my everything” (platonically) and Jesper said “bro he’s joking” while holding back laughter.
................
Milos, Jesper, and Yuki (collective group testimony under oath in front of the European Court of Unhinged Behavior):
💬✅ YES.
Yes, Sam and Tijjani have been texting literally every single day since 2021. Even during national holidays. Even during matches. Even when they were in the same room. Even when one of them was SLEEPING. Even when one of them was in the hospital (Sam: “bitch it was just an IV drip not a funeral”).
🧠 WHAT DO THEY EVEN BE TALKING ABOUT??
Milos:
bro I swear one time I read Tij’s screen over his shoulder and it was just Sam: “you think that squirrel in the park looked gay?” Tij: “yes” Sam: “felt seen”
Jesper:
once I saw a convo that went:
Sam: “if I die, bury me in Gucci.” Tijjani: “you’d rise from the grave to fix your outfit.” Sam: “good point. make it Prada.”
Yuki:
me see text. not understand. emoji too much. them talk. all time. like anime villain and rich boy romance. 🧘♂️📱💥💅🏻😭🍵🔪
🗂️ THINGS THEY TEXT ABOUT (compiled by Milos):
- What everyone is wearing. ("Jesper dressed like a GTA character today.”)
- Complaining. (“Why the fuck is Milos eating cheese from his cleats again?”)
- Unspoken beef. (“If Sven breathes like that again, I’m stabbing him.”)
- Mystery screenshots. (never explained. just “LOOK.”)
- Live reactions to team groupchat.
- Who’s hotter today, Jens or Jesper? (“I vote raccoon but respectfully.”)
- Calling each other mean nicknames but then “ily” right after.
- Sam’s skincare routine. (“Tij shut up and buy this toner it fixed my life.”)
- Football gossip they shouldn't know. (Tij: “Sam how do you know his girlfriend broke up with him 11 minutes ago?” Sam: “sources.”)
📊 STATISTICS FROM JESPER’S FBI MIND:
- 76% fashion-related
- 12% passive-aggressive affection
- 9% targeted bullying of Milos
- 3% emojis that don’t make sense but emotionally make sense
🗣️ In Conclusion:
Sam and Tijjani are the world’s most ironically married platonic duo. Jesper, Milos, and Yuki have witnessed this unholy texting saga since the beginning of time. They don’t get it. They don’t try to. But they accept it like one accepts gravity or raccoon Jesus.
EXACTLY. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Because let’s break this unholy shitshow down:
📉 JenJes Messages (Post-Moving-In Era)
- Avg. texts per day: 2.5
-
Topics include:
-
“u at hub?”
- “pick up milk?”
- “I love u but I’m constipated”
- (Jesper sending a blurry photo of Jens' own foot captioned: "u okay?")
Conclusion: Domestic. Soft. Practically telepathic. They speak with their eyeballs. They don’t need to text because their bodies do the talking (interpret that however you want).
💬📱 Sam & Tijjani Messages (Since 2021)
- Avg. texts per day: 143
- Messages sent DURING MATCHES: 9
- Messages sent while fighting: 43 (yes, they text while arguing in person)
- % of texts that are insults with love underneath: 87%
Examples include:
- “you dress like an off-brand IKEA chair ily”
- “I’m blocking you but text me if you’re sad”
- “don’t you dare ghost me again you codependent little swan”
🧠 OK BUT… WHY THOUGH?
❓ Are they dating?
No.
❓ Are they in love?
Also no. But if one of them got married the other would be in the bridal party and object during the vows.
❓ Are they trauma bonded?
Absolutely. Sam was raised on almond milk and Montessori emotional regulation. Tijjani was raised on yelling and war. And somehow… they found peace in the chaos of each other.
🧃Jesper’s theory:
“They're like a married couple who never f*cked but know what each other’s soul smells like.”
🧊Milos’ theory:
“I think one time they kissed by accident in 2021 and never spoke about it again.”
🧘♂️Yuki’s theory:
“Them past life. Samurai and prince. Always fight. But also always find each other.”
🪐 THE UNHINGED REALITY:
Sam and Tijjani’s texting habits are:
- Not romantic.
- Not platonic.
- Not even spiritual.
- They’re a subgenre of psychological thriller.
- Like if enemies-to-lovers had a twin brother: bitch-to-bestie-who-still-might-stab-you-but-won’t-let-you-cry-alone.
So no. They’re not secretly dating. They’re not even openly dating. But if one of them didn’t text back for 6 hours?
Global emergency. Air strike. Sirens. Smoke alarm in the dressing room. Everyone dead.
EXACTLY. Like… WHAT’S IN THE TEXTS??? Is it legally binding?? Is it emotionally incriminating?? Are they running a black market operation through iMessage??? Because Sam and Tijjani texting 24/7 while the rest of the Bubbly Boys out here communicating via two brain cells and telepathic glances is actually suspicious.
Let’s unpack:
💀 The Bubbly Boys Communication Breakdown
🪫 Jens
- Phone status: Dead. 97% of the time.
- Texts per day: 2 max
- Response speed: Only replies if Jesper physically shows him the phone
- Believes Airplane Mode is a lifestyle
"If it's important, Jesper will tell me."
🦝 Jesper
- Messages mostly memes
- Only texts if something needs to be dragged, exposed, or if it’s about food
- Uses voice notes that start mid-sentence and end with "anyway baby love u"
📞 Milos
- Chronically Online™
- Doesn’t text, just calls everyone at the worst time possible
- Leaves voicemails that are just breathing and crunching sounds
- Might be banned in 3 countries for the number of unsolicited FaceTimes
🧘♂️ Yuki & ☀️Sven
- Send 1-2 texts per day max
- Usually: "are u okay", "training today?", or "me miss"
- Or just 🤍🤍
- Have a vibe-based communication system that transcends digital mediums
AND THEN THERE’S:
📱💅 SAM & TIJJANI
Text Ratio:
- 72 unread messages between them at any time but they read them all
- They respond to each other in real-time even during matches
- One time, they texted each other from opposite ends of the same room
🐥 Sam: “Why are you breathing like that” 🦷 Tijjani: “It’s called existing. Try it sometime” 🐥 Sam: “Blocked. But here’s a tiktok that reminded me of u lol”
🧠 So what are they even TALKING about???
- Insults: 30%
“You dress like a divorced aunt.” “At least I don’t look like I cry in K-drama cafes.”
- Logistics: 20%
“Gym now?” “What time is that team dinner” “Can u bring my hoodie I left in ur car in 2021”
- Emotional support: 25%
“Do you think I’m annoying” “I’d kill someone for you but I hate you rn” “Tell me it’s okay to ghost my therapist”
- Complete chaos / zero context: 25%
“I saw a man who looked like a baguette and thought of u” “What if Jesus was bisexual but no one asked” “Rate this goat from 1 to emotional crisis”
💅 Official Vibes:
- Platonic Soulmates
- Emotionally Married
- Might’ve trauma-bonded over something they won’t tell anyone
- Would murder for each other but also block each other for 3 hours if one said "ur so dramatic"
🤡 Final Conclusion:
Everyone else: “We text when we need to.”
Sam and Tijjani: “Texting is the relationship.”
The texts are:
- A ritual.
- A lifeline.
- A coping mechanism.
- A war.
- A love letter written in sarcastic fonts.
Sam and Tijjani are not dating. But if one of them stopped texting, the world would literally tip off its axis.
OH MY GOD. YOU WANNA SEE 48 HOURS OF SAM & TIJJANI’S DIGITAL MARRIAGE??? Buckle up. Because this is the Most Unhinged, Non-Romantic, Fully Married text log between two men who:
- Never dated
- Bicker like divorced spouses
- Say "ily bitch" after sending death threats
- Couldn’t last 6 hours without digital contact or one of them goes feral
📱 DAY 1 – MESSAGES FROM HELL: Sam & Tijjani (a.k.a. “Bitch 1” and “Bitch 2”)
08:12 AM 🐥 Sam: [Sends selfie from bed with huge eye bags] 🐥 Sam: this is your fault 🦷 Tijjani: lmao?? how is that my fault 🐥 Sam: you told me to watch one episode. i watched 7. now i look like a shrimp that got bullied 🦷 Tijjani: yeah but did u like it 🐥 Sam: yes. but fuck you
09:03 AM 🦷 Tijjani: [Sends pic of protein bar] 🦷 Tijjani: why tf it taste like sadness and chalk 🐥 Sam: u eat like a dog who knows his owner doesn’t love him 🦷 Tijjani: ok montessori child. go drink ur 12€ matcha 🐥 Sam: i already did. mommy made it 😌 🦷 Tijjani: tell her i said hi. she’s the only one in ur family with taste
11:26 AM 🐥 Sam: are we walking into training or not 🦷 Tijjani: idk are u done doing ur skincare routine 🐥 Sam: sorry i’m trying not to look like a corpse 🦷 Tijjani: okay. i’m outside 🐥 Sam: get me a croissant 🦷 Tijjani: fuck no 🐥 Sam: then don’t talk to me for the next 7 mins 🦷 Tijjani: noted
12:41 PM (from across the locker room) 🐥 Sam: look behind u 🦷 Tijjani: why 🐥 Sam: look behind u 🦷 Tijjani: fine 🦷 Tijjani: [sends blurry photo of Sam flipping him off] 🦷 Tijjani: ur so annoying 🐥 Sam: love u too bitch 😚
3:55 PM 🦷 Tijjani: u still at the hub? 🐥 Sam: yeah waiting for physio 🦷 Tijjani: i left my hoodie in the weight room tell that rat milos not to steal it 🐥 Sam: he’s using it as a towel already 🦷 Tijjani: ur kidding 🐥 Sam: idk maybe 🦷 Tijjani: i hate u
6:17 PM 🐥 Sam: wanna come with me to get sushi 🦷 Tijjani: do u want me there or u just scared to go alone 🐥 Sam: yes. shut up. meet u in 10 🦷 Tijjani: u paying 🐥 Sam: no 🦷 Tijjani: blocked
8:45 PM 🦷 Tijjani: why did the waiter flirt with u and not me 🐥 Sam: bc i’m hot and rich 🦷 Tijjani: this is sickening 🐥 Sam: did u want him to flirt with u 🦷 Tijjani: no but it’s the principle 🐥 Sam: get hotter then
📱 DAY 2 – CONTINUES TO BE A CODEPENDENT MESS
01:11 AM 🐥 Sam: bro i can’t sleep 🦷 Tijjani: same. brain loud 🐥 Sam: wanna argue about something 🦷 Tijjani: sure. pepsi or coke 🐥 Sam: coke. what kind of peasant– 🦷 Tijjani: ur wrong. fight me
03:30 AM 🐥 Sam: [sends tiktok of a cat falling off a chair] 🦷 Tijjani: that’s u 🐥 Sam: i’m blocking u again 🦷 Tijjani: that makes 6 times today 🐥 Sam: not enough
07:49 AM 🐥 Sam: good morning slut 🦷 Tijjani: i just woke up 🐥 Sam: yeah and i was there in spirit watching u drool 🦷 Tijjani: do u ever shut up
10:02 AM 🦷 Tijjani: wanna gym? 🐥 Sam: only if u promise not to spot me like a perv again 🦷 Tijjani: then no 🐥 Sam: see u in 10 🦷 Tijjani: i hate you 🐥 Sam: ily too bitch
12:00 PM – STILL TEXTING. STILL INSANE.
🐥 Sam: ok but like if u were a vampire would u still be friends with me 🦷 Tijjani: no i’d eat u 🐥 Sam: kinky 🦷 Tijjani: jail 🐥 Sam: i’m calling yuki 🦷 Tijjani: he won’t save u
FINAL CONCLUSION:
- 48 hours = bare minimum for this duo
- They text like it’s a full-time job with benefits
- Zero boundaries, 100% affection, infinite sarcasm
- Not dating. But if one of them stops texting for 2 hours?? The other one panics, blocks, unblocks, sends 11 tiktoks, and shows up outside their house.
They are, respectfully, the stupidest most married pair of platonic soulmates to ever exist.
LMAO YESSSSSSS THIS WAS A KNOWN ISSUE ACROSS THE BUBBLY BOYS. everyone talked about it at least once behind sam and tijjani’s backs like it was a scientific anomaly:
🕹️ MILOS WHILE GAMING WITH TIJJANI:
[Tijjani’s phone lighting up violently every 10 seconds]
🎮 Milos: bro are you being hacked or is sam texting again
🦷 Tijjani: sam
🎮 Milos: are you guys okay like blink twice if you’re being held hostage
🦷 Tijjani: we’re just discussing if neymar should bleach his hair again
🎮 Milos: you’ve been discussing that for an hour
🦷 Tijjani: yeah he sent 6 pictures
🎮 Milos: god
🧋 JESPER ON A MATCHA RUN WITH SAM:
[Sam checking phone mid-sip, eyes glued to screen]
🦝 Jesper: damn bitch u good???
🐥 Sam: yeah just replying to tj
🦝 Jesper: ain’t that like your 30th message this hour???
🐥 Sam: he asked if my matcha’s green enough
🦝 Jesper: bro are y’all in a group project or a marriage
🐥 Sam: a successful one 💅
🦝 Jesper: insane. jens and i barely text 3 times a day and we’re literally fused at the hip
🐥 Sam: i like communication 🤷🏻♂️
🦝 Jesper: i like peace
🧘♂️ YUKI & SVEN OBSERVATION SESSION:
🧘♂️ Yuki: sam and tij. always tap phone
🏡 Sven: i once saw sam text him during a team meeting. while they were sitting beside each other.
🧘♂️ Yuki: they never stop. they romance. but no sex.
🏡 Sven: kind of beautiful. kind of terrifying.
🧘♂️ Yuki: like thunder and storm
🏡 Sven: that’s the same thing, yuki
🧘♂️ Yuki: me no talk again.
🎮 MILOS, JESPER, JENS, GROUPCHAT:
🎮 Milos: how many texts per day is normal
🦝 Jesper: under 10
🛡️ Jens: 5 max
🎮 Milos: how many do u think sam and tijjani send
🦝 Jesper: 500. minimum.
🛡️ Jens: we should call the police
🎮 Milos: i already did but they’re too powerful
Like the group consensus was:
- Tijjani’s screen time = a safety hazard
- Sam’s screen brightness could be seen from space
- And neither of them ever had their phones on silent. That thing vibrated like a personal massage chair during games, meals, naps, showers, and even in therapy sessions.
Sam once texted Tij: "I just sneezed"
And Tij replied: "Bless u dumbass"
They are chronically bonded. Non-sexually. Non-romantically. But still married as hell.
OH MY GOD YESSSS THIS WAS A CURSED ORIGIN STORY IF THERE EVER WAS ONE. the madness began in early 2021, and no one expected it to last—except, well, it did. every year. stronger. deeper. worse.
✨ THE SAMTIJJ EPIC: HOW DID WE GET HERE? A 2021 CHRONICLE:
📍 Alkmaar, early 2021. Sam had just arrived. Tijjani had already been there. They were put in the same training group. On paper? No match.
- Sam: Rich, only child, pampered, montessori coded, wore Balenciaga slides to breakfast
- Tijjani: Part-time job survivor, grew up with siblings and hand-me-downs, allergic to rich kids
And yet.
🚨 THE DAY IT BEGAN:
They were paired for a training warm-up jog.
Tijjani, skeptical as hell: "Don’t slow me down, rich boy."
Sam, deadpan as hell: "I’ve jogged in four countries. Keep up."
👀 The others expected a brawl. Instead?? THEY SPENT THE NEXT 20 MINUTES ROASTING EACH OTHER SO HARD THEY DIDN’T NOTICE THEY’D RUN THREE EXTRA LAPS.
Jesper: "Y’all know this was supposed to be one lap right??"
Tijjani: "Mind your business, binkie boy."
🧨 THE TEXT THREAD BEGAN:
That night, Sam messaged Tij on WhatsApp.
Sam:
Your form was mid.
Tijjani:
Your face is mid.
Sam:
🧍♂️
Tijjani:
🧍♀️
Sam:
Ok that was funny
Tijjani:
i know. you’re welcome.
They haven’t stopped texting since.
📆 YEAR BY YEAR CREEP:
2021:
- Daily texts turned into all-day threads
- They’d text while in the same room
- Called each other “husband” ironically (allegedly)
2022:
- Moved from WhatsApp to Instagram DMs because they needed reaction GIFs
- Had joint notes app lists: things to say to Jesper when he’s annoying, restaurants they hate, defenders they want to elbow
2023:
- Added Messenger. Then iMessage. Then a private Discord with just the two of them.
- Texted during medical check-ups, team briefings, flights, and one time mid-argument with each other. They were LITERALLY FIGHTING VIA TEXT IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER.
2024:
- Literally nothing changed. They just kept going.
- Sam added emojis to Tij’s contact name.
- Tij added a custom vibration pattern for Sam’s texts.
- They gaslit everyone into believing this was normal.
💬 WHO ENABLED IT?
Jesper: “I thought they hated each other.” Yuki: “they talk too much. is romance. no sex. confusing.” Milos: “I’m the youngest and I’m telling you this is alarming.” Sven: “I find it… comforting?” Jens: “I just mute the groupchat and pray.”
BUT NO ONE STOPPED THEM. They became their own language. Their own time zone. Their own cryptid species.
📱MODERN DAY STATUS:
- If one’s phone dies, the other goes into withdrawal
- If one doesn't reply in under 3 minutes, the other sends “???”
- If they’re mad at each other, you’ll know. They’ll still text—but it’ll be passive aggressive and in bullet points.
In conclusion: It wasn’t trauma bonding. It wasn’t romantic. It was just... Sam & Tijjani: Era 1 —∞.
Unstoppable. Unhinged. Unbelievably online.
OH. OH. Let’s talk about Sam B. and Tijjani R., the Platonically Married Enemies-to-Lifelong-Codependents pipeline.
Because yes—Jens and Jesper were tragic, theatrical, deeply romantic, crying-on-FaceTime-through-bad-WiFi dramatic.
But Tijjani and Sam? That was war. Cold war, hot war, cyber war, kitchen counter war. They were the type of duo where the groupchat would go quiet for 20 minutes and then BAM—50 unread messages, Sam all-caps texting “YOU DON’T RESPECT ME,” and Tijjani replying “I LITERALLY BOUGHT YOU A MATCHING BRACELET YESTERDAY.”
🔥 TIJJANI & SAM: DRAMATIC? ABSOLUTELY.
But not in the "we love each other" way. In the "if I ever get married and you don't approve of my spouse I will annul it on the spot" kind of way.
Here’s the scale of how dramatic they were:
| Level | Description | Who Did It | Sam & Tijjani Score |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Normal argument | Sven (once) | Never |
| 3 | Jens crying in the shower | Jens | Sam: “He’s such a Pisces.” |
| 5 | Jesper sending 300+ texts while ignoring calls | Jesper | Common |
| 7 | Jens and Jesper making up in the locker room | Jenjes | Routine |
| 10 | Sam throwing his phone in a pool, yelling "Tijjani you RUIN EVERYTHING" because Tijjani said "you’re not that mysterious" | Sam & Tijjani | ✅✅✅ |
🧾 DRAMATIC MOMENTS RANKING (NO CONTEXT, NO EXPLANATION):
- “You're not even my real family but somehow I still call you when I’m sad.”
- “Why is it MY fault that YOU don’t want to talk about your emotions??”
- Sam FaceTimed Tijjani just to hang up the second he picked up.
- Tijjani bought Sam flowers. Sam threw them in a bin. They still went to brunch together that afternoon.
- “We literally have matching trauma bracelets and you still act like I’m disposable??”
- When they both started therapy. With the same therapist. Without telling the other.
- They both wrote ‘if I die, blame the other one’ in their will.
- Once got into a screaming match about who was more ‘emotionally responsible’ and both cried at the end. Together. On the same couch.
- “I literally bought you that shirt, you’re not allowed to cry in it unless it’s about me.”
🧍♂️🧍♂️ A Marriage More Legally Binding Than Romance
- They weren't in love, but no relationship ever passed their vibe check unless the other one approved.
- When one of them ghosted for a day? The other filed a Missing Person’s report (spiritually).
- If Sam got dumped? Tijjani got revenge on the dumper before Sam even told him the whole story.
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They had a system of mutual destruction that somehow always ended in:
-
Dinner together
- A brutally honest compliment
- Or just sitting in silence while watching Love Island
In conclusion? Jenjes were tragic lovers. Sam & Tijjani were catastrophic soul twins. Jenjes would destroy each other emotionally. Sam & Tijjani? Would destroy the whole room, each other’s will to live, and still show up to brunch like nothing happened.
They were The Divorcees that never got married. They were platonic spouses, war edition. And god help us—they’re still like this.
OH BABY WE'RE GOING FULL BOOK OF REVELATIONS HERE because let’s be so real for a sec:
📜 SAM & TIJJANI: BIBLICAL LEVELS OF DRAMA
This was not normal friendship. This was Cain-and-Abel-meets-Kardashians type conflict. This was “Moses struck the rock twice” disobedience with Old Testament wrath.
🌪️ YES. TIJJANI DID FAKE DISAPPEAR FOR 2 HOURS.
And yes. He turned his location off. Set his phone to Do Not Disturb. Blocked Sam’s second number. Then sat in a cafe watching The Bear with subtitles on, waiting.
He was like:
"If he doesn’t double text me within 87 minutes and 22 seconds… he doesn’t care. He’s dead to me."
Meanwhile Sam, casually sipping juice, said:
“I was literally about to text him. Like, I was opening iMessage. He has no patience.”
They still fought for THREE HOURS about how much care was “enough care” and whether or not “one emoji” was enough to prove loyalty.
👼 VERSUS JENJES... WHO WERE HAVING SEXY APOCALYPSE IN THE BACKGROUND
While Sam and Tijjani were acting out the Wrath of God, Jesper and Jens were in their own toxic little Garden of Eden like:
- Jesper: "Baby you didn’t reply to my text from 3 days ago"
- Jens: "Sorry baby can I make it up to you in the bedroom 🥺"
- Jesper: "ok baby 💗💗 ps i sent you 47 pictures of your own face while you were sleeping. ur so cute"
They were disgusting. They were repulsive. They were in love.
📖 SAM & TIJJANI: THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF DRAMA
1. Ghosting (Intentional) Tijjani: “I wanted to see if you’d notice my absence.” Sam: “It’s been 40 minutes.” Tijjani: “Exactly.”
2. Accusations of Betrayal Sam: “You said you'd watch that show with me.” Tijjani: “I didn’t say when. You’re twisting my words.”
3. Passive-Aggressive Venmo Requests €2.73: “for the emotional damage” €7.20: “for listening to your rants about that guy AGAIN” €0.01: “just to prove a point”
4. Dramatic Reconciliations They once high-fived at a funeral and everyone gasped.
IN CONCLUSION:
Jenjes were out here being Romeo & Juliet if Juliet had trauma and Romeo had IBS.
But Sam and Tijjani? They were David and Saul with shared Spotify Premium. Biblical. Eternal. Cursed. They invented toxic loyalty. They were Samson and Delilah if both of them were Samson and also Delilah.
And no matter how many fights they had… no matter how many voice notes Sam sent that started with “I’m calm, but—” no matter how many silent treatment hours Tijjani racked up…
They’d still walk into brunch like:
“This is my soulmate. We fought. But that’s our love language.” “He sucks. But he’s my bitch.” “Anyway we’re sharing the waffles.”
Biblical. Genesis to Apocalypse. And brunch in between.
EXACTLY THIS. this is exactly the difference between:
💥 Sam & Tijjani: the most biblical, diabolical, Old Testament levels of wrath and betrayal duo to ever walk the Earth. vs. 💗 Jenjes: two clingy, sticky, psychically-entangled soulmates who live in the same 2m radius and think “communication issues” means “you forgot to say I looked pretty today.”
Let’s break it down:
🧨 Sam & Tijjani’s Platonic Marriage (aka The Book of Passive-Aggressive Psalms)
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Scene: Tijjani goes offline for 2 hours.
-
Sam: “he died.” 😐
- Also Sam: doesn’t text.
- Tijjani: returns online. Sees nothing.
-
Immediate 14-act tragedy.
- “OH SO I GUESS IF I DIE YOU WON’T CARE.”
- “Why should I always be the one who texts first?”
- “I was LITERALLY going to double text!!”
- “Too late. I already wrote your funeral speech.”
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Scene: They get in a fight.
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Tijjani: disappears into a forest. No phone. No signal.
- Sam: writes 19 tweets subtweeting him. Still doesn’t double text.
- They meet again. SCREAM. CURSE. FIGHT.
- End with: “I made your coffee, bitch. Don’t forget I love you.”
- Sam: “Shut up. I know.” 🥹☕️
🐣 Jenjes: Swedish Psychic Boyfriends Who Forget They’re Individuals
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Scene: Jesper hasn’t texted Jens back for 3 days.
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Jens: doesn’t notice. Jesper’s literally been in his lap.
- Jesper: “I’m mad at you baby. You didn’t text me back.”
- Jens: “I’m sorry baby 🥺 but also you’ve been in my bed for 72 hours straight.”
- Jesper: “Exactly. No effort.”
- Jens: “I love you so much. Wanna cuddle naked?”
- Jesper: “Yes baby 💗💗”
-
Conflict resolved.
-
They never call each other. Not because they’re strong…
-
But because they’ve merged into one (1) domestic, co-dependent homonucleus.
- Jesper wakes up, grabs Jens’ face: “did you dream of me too?”
- Jens: “yes baby. we were swans.”
- Jesper: “hot.” 😌
⚔️ Interactions:
- Jesper: “Guys, you should work on your communication.”
- Sam: “Oh? Who asked the unlicensed therapist from Stockholm?”
- Tijjani: “Shut the hell up before I call your Viking to collect you.”
- Jens, storming in shirtless and growling: “DON’T TALK TO MY BABY LIKE THAT.”
- Jesper, smug: “That's right. My himbo leash works perfectly 💅”
In conclusion:
- Sam & Tijjani: nuclear platonic disaster, worse than most breakups, probably cause climate change.
- Jenjes: clingy boyfriends who forget texting exists, but compensate by being naked in bed 98% of the time.
Both: ✨toxically devoted✨ in their own languages. Alkmaar 22/23 was not a football team, it was a Greek tragedy meets sitcom and every Wednesday they ran the show.
NO ONE WAS SAFE IN THAT LOCKER ROOM.
Sam & Tijjani, already five fights in before training starts, steam flying from their nostrils:
“You know what? At least we communicate!!” “Yeah, at least we CARE ENOUGH TO FIGHT!!!” “You two just have unresolved trauma and fuck it away.”
Jesper, mid-lipgloss reapplication, frozen. Jens, shirtless with a protein shake halfway to his mouth, jaw on the floor.
Jesper: “Excuse me??” Jens: “We do talk!” Jesper: “Yeah!! Like… yesterday, I said ‘do you want soup or sex’ and Jens said—” Jens: “‘Why not both, baby,’ and we did!! That’s healthy.”
They’re spiraling. Sam is pacing like a lawyer in court. Tijjani has already pulled up screenshots and graphs. They present a PowerPoint via Airdrop titled “Why Your Relationship is Only Surface-Level and Built on Lust (and why that’s sad)”. Jesper closes it after slide 2 because it had a blurry photo of him with bedhead and a caption that said “this bitch here? spiritually vacant.”
Later that night, after Sam & Tij went home and continued texting about the fight they had earlier, Jens and Jesper sit in bed:
Jesper, scrolling on his phone: “Do you think they’re right?” Jens, cuddling him like a big koala: “No, baby. We communicate. Just… not like them.” Jesper: “Yeah. We use our bodies to communicate. Like animals. That’s hot.” Jens: “So true baby. Sex?” Jesper: “Always, baby.”
And this is why Sam & Tijjani will die from hypertension at age 32 and why Jesper and Jens will simply die from love-induced dehydration.