sam beukema: nepotism & montessori (i)

Published on July 28, 2025

YES OKAY LET'S UNPACK THIS PRINCE SAM LORE.

Sam, age 24, height 1.88m, slicked-back hair, emotionally adopted half the friend group—but still literally called “puppy” by his mom in front of teammates?? ICONIC. Let’s go.

🍼 CHILDHOOD ERA: THE MAKING OF PUPPY

Only child syndrome but not the bratty kind—no, Sam was the “golden retriever who brings you a crayon drawing of you and him holding hands” kind.
Grew up in a house where every sneeze was met with “bless you, angel baby.”
Mom had themed birthday parties for every year, and no one could beat his Harry Potter Year 5 Quidditch party. No one.
The fridge had a whole corner dedicated to Sam’s Weekly Achievement Printouts™. Yes, even at age 17.
“Puppy” was born because he used to bark excitedly when his dad came home from work once. It stuck. It haunts him.
His room had blackout curtains, lavender pillow spray, and a stuffed animal named Mr. Waggles he swore he stopped sleeping with after age 13. (He didn’t.)

🧴 YOUNG ADULT SAM: HAIR GEL & HUSHED PHONE CALLS

Got his first tattoo design approved by 5 artists, but didn’t get it because “Mom said it’ll curse my skin.”
Has a rotating collection of “Mommy-approved slick-back gel.”
Once, Jens saw Sam open a voice message from his mom that just said “remember SPF, my sweetie-pie boy, you burn like a marshmallow.”
Sam replied: “Yes mommy. Love you too. Tell daddy I’m brushing my teeth twice a day now.”
At parties, Sam rages—but still replies to his mom’s “How are the vibes tonight, my little coconut?”

🚗 SAM AT BOLOGNA/ALKMAAR PRACTICE: THE PARENTAL ENTRANCE

Weekly ritual: Parents drop by practice. Sam jogs to greet them.
Jesper: “...did your mom just kiss you three times on the cheek?”
Sam, unapologetically: “That’s my queen. Shut up.”
Milos: “...why do they bring you juice boxes.”
His dad fist-bumps every player. His mom brings them all embroidered socks with their initials.
Sven once got “S.V.” socks. Jesper never let him live it down.

🥇 SPOILED BUT LOVED: HOW IT MADE HIM WHO HE IS

Yes, Sam is pampered. No, he’s not soft. He’s that rare combo of coddled but terrifying in a fight.
He’ll throw hands for Jesper. He’ll Venmo request Jens for 3.42 EUR. He’ll cry if his mom texts “miss u puppy” with a sad emoji.
Never really had to fight for affection growing up—but that’s why he has so much love to give. He thinks the world should be that warm for everyone.

👼 BONUS: THINGS HIS MOM STILL DOES FOR HIM AT 24

Packs his suitcase before away games.
Sends “Puppy’s Weekly Wellness Check” email (with bullet points).
Calls his hair “The Helmet of Honor.”
Refers to Jens as “that serious blond friend who needs a snack.”
Texts Jesper: “Thank u for being Puppy’s best friend 🥺💞”

OH THEY NEVER RECOVERED.

Like genuinely, collective mental collapse. Here’s exactly how it went down the first time the Bubbly Boys overheard Sam’s mom live say “Booboo boy” out loud in public—in front of God and their football coach:

[Setting: Alkmaar training grounds, post-practice. Sam’s parents arrive, all smiles. Sam runs up like a Labrador. The rest of the boys just... witness.]

Sam’s mom: “There’s my puppyyy! How’s my booboo boy doing today?” Sam: “Hi mommyyy!!” Sam’s dad: "You look strong today, champ! You eat your banana?"

Reactions:

Jesper: drops his water bottle, jaw unhinged.

“Puppy?! Not even Pumpkin, just straight up Puppy?!” * Jens: squinting at Sam like he’s seeing a new species

“You’re 1.88. You lift 90kg with one arm. Why do they talk to you like you’re four?” * Tijjani: cackling, physically wheezing

“No. I’m done. I’m DONE. That’s mommy’s little booboo gladiator right there.” * Milos: already texting it to the groupchat with: “you will not believe what my ears just heard.” * Yuki: trying to understand this cultural moment

“Booboo...like wound?” * Sven: sipping his protein shake like

“Damn. Must be nice. My mom calls me ‘accident.’”

30 minutes later, in the groupchat:

Tijjani: “Puppy u want a chew toy or?” Jesper: “do u bark when ur happy is that what that was” Jens: “did they potty train u with positive reinforcement??” Sam: “y’all jealous because ur moms didn’t love u enough” Yuki: “Sam’s mom is queen. Booboo is royal title.” Sven: “I respect it. Puppy lives like king.”

From that day on:

They called him “Booboo” every time he scored a goal.
Jesper saved his contact as “Puppy Prince of Alkmaar.”
Milos made a collage of Sam doing pushups under the caption “Mommy’s Little Muscle Booboo.”
Yuki started referring to Sam’s house as “Royal Puppy Palace.”

OH SAM DEFENDED HIMSELF WITH HONOR (and a credit limit no one else could reach). But that didn’t stop the Bubbly Boys from absolutely weaponizing that lore like it was a FIFA-licensed bazooka.

Here you go:

Top 10 Times Sam’s “Puppy Lore” Was Weaponized Against Him

1. Jesper refused to give him the aux cord on a road trip

“Only grown-ups get aux rights. Sit in your booster seat and hum a lullaby.” Sam: “I drive a Maserati.” Jesper: “Booboo boy says what?” Sam: “…what” Jesper: “GOTCHA.”

2. During gym sessions Tijjani put “Who Let the Dogs Out” on repeat every time Sam bench-pressed. Sven added: “This for the lil leash training arc.” Milos whispered: “Down, boy.”

3. Jens once asked Sam if he needed his mom to call the coach when he got benched Sam: “Shut up, your boyfriend cried because Jesper ghosted him for six hours.” Jens: “AND I’D DO IT AGAIN.” Jesper: “That’s love. You’re just leash trained.”

4. Groupchat chaos after Sam texted: “Mom’s coming to visit today”

Jesper: “Tell her her pup’s been peeing on the turf again”
Yuki: “does she bring chew snack”
Sven: “Sam has separation anxiety confirmed”
Tijjani: “do we call the dog walker if ur parents can’t pick u up?”

5. When Sam got mildly injured and limped off Everyone: “NOOO WHO HURT THE BOOBOO!!!” Milos brought a plush toy to training the next day and gave it to Sam like, “For emotional support.” Yuki said: “This toy is good. Has healing power.”

6. Sam tried to be flirty in the groupchat once Sent a mirror selfie with “Puppy needs kisses” Jesper: “I’m calling animal control.” Jens: “This chat has fleas now.” Sven: “Do you want belly rubs or validation.” Sam: “both wtf”

7. Sven accidentally called him ‘Booboo’ in front of a reporter Sven (dead serious, post-match): “Yeah, Booboo played really well today, held the midfield strong.” Reporter: “Who?” Sven: realizes “I—I meant Sam. Samuel. Mr. Samuel van Gogh.”

8. Christmas gift exchange They gave Sam a custom collar with “#1 Mommy’s Boy” engraved. Jesper offered to get him one with diamonds:

“You rich anyway. Might as well bling out the leash.”

9. Jens once called him "Booboo the Brave" for tanking a hard tackle Yuki updated his notes app with a poem:

“Booboo strong. Booboo kind. Booboo chase the ball with pride.”

10. When Sam actually got MOM (Man of the Match) Coach: “Congrats, Sam. You’re our MVP today.” Tijjani: “No, he’s our MBB—Mommy’s Booboo Boy.” Groupchat changed his name to “Sir Woof-a-Lot, Hero of Alkmaar.”

In Sam’s defense (and actual quote):

“Y’all talk big for people whose moms didn’t even pack them snacks in kindergarten. I got affection and a trust fund.” And honestly? He won.

YESSSSSSS. Every time Sam let his inner roast goblin out, the Bubbly Boys pounced with moral judgment like he was on trial in the Supreme Court of Mommy & Daddy’s Good Boy Rules™.

Sam: “You play football like you’re allergic to the ball.” Jesper: gasp “Does Mommy know you speak like that???” Tijjani: “Bro’s grounded for a week. No screen time for you.” Yuki: “You eat soap tonight.”

Sam (about Milos’ haircut): “You look like a tax fraud case.” Sven: “Ooooooo… that’s an upper mall floor violation.” Milos: “I’m telling your mom you said ‘fraud.’ That’s a bad word.” Jens: “You’re gonna have to write a 500-word apology letter in cursive.” Jesper: “He’ll never make it to bedtime.”

Sam: “Your tactics are dumb and your shirt looks like regret.” Groupchat: goes silent for 3 seconds Tijjani: “You just lost sticker privileges.” Yuki: “Me report you to Mommy hotline.”

The Bubbly Boys’ Favorite Reactions to Sam’s Verbal Violence:

“Sam. It’s past 9PM. Are you even allowed to speak??”
“Say that again but in Upper Floor Mall Language.”
“Bold words for someone with screen time limits.”
“Bet his mom got a notification on her Parenting App the moment he said that.”
“Did you log this insult in your ‘Verbal Diary of Sin’ yet?”
“Hope your bedtime prayer includes forgiveness for that burn.”

Yuki (one time, deadpan):

“Me pray for you. You need Mommy love again.” “Clean soul. Clean language. But you say… tax fraud. Not clean.”

Jesper, king of chaos, once texted:

“Siri, how to report someone’s screen time to their mom?” Groupchat changed Sam’s contact name to “Booboo (Explicit Language Alert)”

YES. IT HAPPENED. AND IT WAS ICONIC.

Scene: Bubbly Boys post-training chaos, Alkmaar 2023. Sam flips Tijjani off after being roasted about his slicked-back hair falling out of formation. Jesper, with reflexes faster than his first touch, snaps a photo of Sam—mid-flip, mid-eye-roll, mid-disrespect-to-Mommy.

Jesper (in groupchat):

“Say cheese, you upper-floor mall menace.” [sends pic directly to Sam’s mom] Caption: “Booboo's been naughty today.”

5 minutes later. Sam goes pale. Looks at his phone. Sam: “…she said I can’t have dessert for a week.” Jens: “Bro’s literally grounded.” Tijjani: “You're 24, not 4. Why are you obeying that??” Sam (small voice): “She said she was disappointed. Not mad. Disappointed.” Yuki: “Zen say that is worse.”

Sam’s Mom:

“Samuel, language like that is not tolerated in our home. Please write a written apology and reflect on your choices. Love, Mommy.” P.S. You’re still my puppy but a rude puppy today.

For the rest of the week:

Sam quietly handed out gummy bears in penance.
His hair was extra slicked back.
He said “heck” instead of “hell.”
Jesper renamed the groupchat to “Puppy Has No Dessert.”
Sam changed his middle finger emoji shortcut to “⚠️Parental Alert⚠️”

Top 10 Times Mommy & Daddy Were Disappointed in Their 1.88m Puppy (a.k.a. Sam’s weekly fall from grace in the Alkmaar household)

10. The Middle Finger Scandal™

The photo Jesper sent. The silence. The revoked dessert rights. Puppy was humbled.

9. The “YOUR MOM” Comeback Heard 'Round the Groupchat

Tijjani: “Sam, why do you walk like a lost H&M mannequin?” Sam: “Your mom.” Jesper snitches immediately. Sam’s mom: “That’s not how we talk to friends.” Sam: “But he started it…” Mom: “Puppy, please.”

8. The Unapproved Tattoo Sticker

He wore a temporary tattoo to practice. Sam's mom showed up after training with micellar water and 9 cotton pads. Scrubbed him like he committed war crimes. Jesper filmed it. Yuki narrated: “Zen say he in deep trouble.”

7. “Mid” Was Not On Approved Vocabulary List

Sam called Sven’s playlist “mid.” Sven: “It’s Taylor Swift.” Sam: “Yeah. Mid Swift.” Jesper: “Mommy must know this.” Sam’s mom: “We uplift others in this household.” Sam: “I take it back she’s the music industry please don’t tell daddy.”

6. The Designer Hoodie Banned Incident

Sam wore a hoodie from a “clearance rack.” Mom: “Was this sold on the top floor?” Sam: “Well, it was upstairs—” Mom: “Sammy. Upstairs isn’t good enough. Take it off.” Jesper: “Bro your fashion gets censored.”

5. The ‘Shut Up’ Incident

Sam told Jens “shut up” in the groupchat. Jesper, again, snitches:

“Look who’s not using indoor voice.” Mom: “You apologize to Jens.” Sam: “BUT MOMMY HE STARTED IT.” Mom: “Be the better puppy.”

4. Sam Swore While Gaming

Yuki heard it first.

Yuki: “Sam say bad word. Zen confused.” Jesper sent the clip. Mom: “No screen time until you rewatch Paddington 2 and reflect.”

3. He Came Home at 9:01pm

Curfew: 9pm. Jesper texted the groupchat:

“Puppy has gone rogue.” Mom: “Samuel. We worry. Also the meatloaf is cold now.” Sam: “I’m sorry. I’ll never disrespect the meatloaf again.”

2. The Bleach Hair Phase That Lasted 36 Minutes

Sam bought blonde hair dye. Tijjani hyped him up. Jesper filmed the first patch. Sam’s mom called. FaceTime. He cried and washed it off in real time. Yuki: “He go blonde in spirit, not reality.”

1. The Day He Said “Sht” in Front of His Dad*

Everyone froze. His dad: “We didn’t raise a sailor.” Sam: “I'm sorry Daddy. I’ll write an essay.” He did. 750 words. Title: "The Vocabulary That Betrayed My Upbringing.” Jesper printed and framed it.

Behold: “Naughty Puppy: The Sam Chronicles” Every time 1.88m 24-year-old Sam got humbled into apologizing like a golden retriever toddler while the Alkmaar boys wept tears of unholy laughter.

The Middle Finger Apology Jesper: sends photo to mommy Mommy: “Sam. No thank you. That’s not nice.” Sam: “I was joking!” Mommy: “You go say sorry to your nice friend. Right now. Or no iPad tonight.” Sam, 24, 1.88m, mutters: “Sorry, Jesper…” Jens: “IS HE APOLOGIZING ON SPEAKERPHONE.” Milos: “Bro he’s on FaceTime. Look at his eyes. That’s real regret.”
The “You’re Dumb” Incident Sam, after Tijjani misspoke a word: “You’re actually dumb.” Mommy, later at dinner: “Sammy. We don’t say mean things to our clever friends.” Sam: “But he is dumb—” Mommy: “No. Thank you, Sam. Apologize to your nice friend.” Tijjani: stands there smug like he just won the Premier League Sam: “I’m sorry Tijjani.” Yuki: “Zen say karma strong.”
The “You Dress Like 2006” Insult to Sven Sven, innocent, wore Crocs and socks. Sam: “You look like a retired Dutch grandfather.” Jesper: “Sam’s mom must see this.” [Later] Mommy: “That wasn’t kind, puppy. Sven is expressing himself.” Daddy: “Go apologize. Sven is stylish.” Sam: “I’m sorry, Sven…” Sven: eating cake calmly “It’s okay, puppy.”
He Said “Piss Off” in Public Yuki dropped his drink. Sam: “Ugh piss off, Yuki.” Yuki: hurt zen noises Jesper: already texting mom Mommy: “That’s very disrespectful, Samuel.” Daddy: “Yuki is a kind boy.” Sam: “I’m sorry Yuki I didn’t mean it—” Yuki: “Zen forgive. But don’t do again.”
When He Called Milos a Weasel Milos said he liked pineapple on pizza. Sam: “You are a slippery little weasel of a man.” Jesper: “SCREENSHOT AND SEND.” [Later] Mommy: “That’s not inclusive, Sam.” Sam: “It was accurate—” Daddy: “Do you want the iPad tonight or not.” Sam: “…I’m sorry, Milos.” Milos: flipping through magazine like royalty
The “Shut Up, Jens” Incident Jesper: “You can’t tell Jens to shut up just because he said you’re high-maintenance.” Sam: “I can and I did.” [10 minutes later, Mommy appears on Find My iPhone outside the facility] Mommy: “Samuel. What did we say about using mean words?” Jens: “Is he being scolded in real time???” Sam: “I’m sorry, Jens…” Jesper: dies in laughter “HE LOOKS LIKE A SCOLDED PUPPY.”
The Time He Said a Bad Word on the Xbox Mic Milos: “Did he just say the F-word??” Yuki: “Yes. I hear it in my ears.” Jesper: “sending clip to Mommy in 3…2…” Mommy: “Puppy. That’s not a nice word.” Sam: “THEY PROVOKED ME.” Daddy: “Doesn’t matter. That’s a timeout.” Sam: “Nooo I was about to win—” Jesper: “That’s not zen.”
The “You All Suck” Rage Quit He rage quit the groupchat after being roasted. Sam: “You all suck. I’m leaving.” Mommy: called him mid-exit “You apologize. These are your nice friends.” Sam: rejoins groupchat

Sam: “I’m sorry I said you all suck.” Jesper: “PUPPY’S GROUNDEDDDD”

The Fanta Burp Incident at Family Dinner He burped at dinner. Loud. Like earthquake. Jesper, quietly: “Unholy.” Mommy: gasps Daddy: “Samuel.” Sam: “It slipped out—” Mommy: “You apologize to the table.” Sam: “I’m sorry for the bodily sound.”
The “I’m Not Yelling” Yell Mommy: “Sam, use your inside voice.” Sam: “I’M NOT YELLING.” Jesper: “He’s vibrating.” Mommy: “Sammy. Apologize to your nice friends for the noise.” Sam: “I’m sorry for yelling at you guys.” Tijjani: recording audio “This is my ringtone now.”

In his defense, Sam (later, quietly, while hugging a throw pillow):

“What’s wrong with being mommy’s little booboo. At least I’m loved. Y’all uncultured.”

Top 10 Times Jesper Weaponized Mommy’s Rules to Cause Absolute Chaos (ft. Puppy’s Meltdowns) 1. The "No Swearing" Trap Jesper: trips over his shoelace on purpose Jesper: “OW f—” Sam: “Language!” Jesper: “You were about to say it.” Jesper: voice memo to Mommy Mommy: “That’s not funny, Jesper.” Sam: in the background “YES IT IS, MOM, THANK YOU.”

The Time Sam Roasted Milos’ Shoes and Jesper Played the Recording at Dinner Sam: “Milos’ shoes look like sad breadsticks.” Jesper: whips out voice memo at Sam’s mom’s dinner table Jesper: “Listen to what your little booboo said.” Sam: chokes on risotto Mommy: “That’s not a compliment.” Sam: “I WAS KIDDING!” Milos: smirking and taking another bite of breadstick
When Jesper Brought Face Paint and Told Everyone Sam Was Gonna Dye His Hair Sam: “I’m not—MOMMY SAID NO DYEING.” Jesper: “You said purple looked good on you…” Jesper: already snapping pics Sam: “DELETE IT NOW. I’M ALREADY ON THIN ICE.”
Jesper Sent a Candid of Sam Yawning at 1AM Jesper: “Caught him violating screen time hours.” Sam: “BRO HOW DID U EVEN—” Mommy: “You said you were asleep, puppy.” Daddy: “This is why your iPad gets taken.” Sam: gritting teeth “You are the devil, Jesper.”
When Jesper Dared Sam to Say "Ass" in a Sentence Sam: “No. I can’t. She’s watching.” Jesper: “You’re scared.” Sam: “Fine—Milos is a pain in the ass.” Jesper: screenshot Jesper: sent Mommy: “Samuel. Language.” Sam: holding tears “It was for science.”
Sam Once Sent a Shirtless Gym Mirror Pic. Jesper Sent It to His Mom With the Caption: “Your modest king?” Sam: “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.” Mommy: “Is this necessary, puppy?” Daddy: “The pose is very… Instagram.” Sam: logs off for 3 business days
The iPad Restriction Threat Jesper: “If you don’t let me win this FIFA game, I’ll tell Mommy you were up past bedtime.” Sam: “You WOULDN’T.” Jesper: “Try me, booboo boy.” Sam: throws controller “Fine. Take the win.”
When Jesper Got Him to Swear on Voice Memo Jesper: “Say the alphabet, but spice it up.” Sam: “A-B-C—up yours.” Jesper: “SEND.” Sam: “YOU EVIL LITTLE—” Mommy: “No iPad tonight.” Sam: whimpering in corner
Jesper Changed Sam’s Contact Name in Sven’s Phone to “Mommy’s Baby BooBoo” Sven didn’t notice until group chat screenshot. Sam: “WHO DID THIS.” Jesper: “You did. By being loved.”
When Sam Said “I’m Not Scared of Anything” Jesper: “Even your mom finding out you skipped curfew last week?” Sam: “I—uh—” Jesper: already typing

“Zen Say Puppy Must Respect Karma” – The Yuki Witness Report All quotes are real. (Allegedly.)

Yuki: “Sam is like loud wind. Funny, but dangerous.”
Sam insults Sven’s hair. Yuki bows gently. Yuki: “You make Sven sad. That not zen. Say sorry.” Sam: “WHY DO YOU CARE.” Yuki: “Because Sven is sunshine. You are cloudy.”
Sam: “Yuki you’re not even scary.” Yuki, sipping green tea: “Karma do job. I relax.” Sam sprains ankle 2 days later. Yuki: “See?”
Sam swears during a loss. Yuki: “Mommy will find. Zen cannot protect.” Sam: “Are you threatening me with ZEN??”
Yuki once stood behind Sam and whispered “honor your bloodline” after he burped. Sam: “What does that MEAN???”

**6. Sam: “I don’t need sleep I need revenge.” Yuki: “No. You need nap and miso soup.” Sam: blink “I hate that you’re right.”

**7. Sam: “I’ll kill them in FIFA.” Yuki: “Kill in game. Be kind in life.” Sam: “I am 24 and grounded help me please.”

Yuki once gave Sam a bento and said: “Zen forgive. But Zen never forget.”
Sam mocks Yuki’s slipper socks. Yuki: “This is why Sven get more mochi.” Sam: “FAVORITISM!!” Yuki: “Yes.”

**10. Sam: “You talk like a 300-year-old tea ghost.” Yuki: “And yet, I win arguments.”

Here’s the breakdown: His mom really does call him “booboo” in front of full-grown men.

At practice. At games. At the store. The boys witnessed this.

Sam: “Hi mom.”

Mommy: “There’s my baby booboo boy!”

Sven: snorts

Milos: “No way this is real.”

Jesper: already filming

He’s not allowed tattoos. Or dyed hair. Or screen time after midnight.

And when he says “screw that,” he still hides in the bathroom to say it.

Jesper once filmed him whispering “ass” into the mirror like Bloody Mary.

Jens: “Bro just live your life.”

Sam: “I do live my life. My mommy-approved, curfew-having, hair-gelled life.”

Whenever he’s spicy in the groupchat, SOMEONE snitches.

Usually Jesper. Sometimes Milos. Sven once by accident.

Sam: “Y’all suck so bad.”

Jesper: attaches screenshot

Jesper: “Hi Mommy. Sam said bad word. Again.”

Sam: “BRO DELETE THAT—”

He still calls them “Mommy” and “Daddy.” Without shame.

But also, with consequences.

Sam: “Mommy said I can’t go to Sven’s house because there’s too many violent video games.”

Sven: “I only play Mario Kart??”

Jesper: “Too much banana.”

He once got grounded. And obeyed.

Why?

Because Jesper sent a picture of him flipping the bird.

Jesper captioned it: “Mommy’s little rebel.”

Mommy: “That’s not nice, Sam. You’re not getting your iPad tonight.”

Sam: “Okay Mommy I’m sorry Mommy I love you Mommy I’ll be nicer to my friends now.”

Jens: “Did we just witness this man get real-life punished?”

🍼 Daily Preschool Rules Sam Lives By (Age: 24. Height: 1.88m. Still Mommy’s Booboo.) A.K.A. The reason the Bubbly Boys are in therapy (and why Sam’s parents are in every groupchat memory burnbook)

📜 Rule #1: No Bad Words Sam: “This ref is an actual dumb—”

Mommy, from the stands: “SAMUEL.”

Sam: “—muffin. Dumb muffin. Sorry Mommy.”

Jesper, choking on his water: “DUMB. MUFFIN??”

Milos: “There is no war in Ba Sing Se.”

📜 Rule #2: No Middle Fingers or Mean Gestures Sam: flips off Milos during FIFA

Sven: “That’s not very mommy-approved.”

Jesper: already taking the picture

Sam (2 hours later): “I’m grounded. I hate you all. I can’t use the iPad till next week.”

📜 Rule #3: No Dyeing Hair or Tattoos Jens (to Jesper): “You think he’d look good blonde?”

Jesper: “Yeah but his mommy would disown him.”

Sam: “She said I’d be emotionally exiled.”

📜 Rule #4: No Staying Up Past 11 PM Jesper: “Midnight FIFA?”

Sam: “I have to put on my blue light glasses and be in bed by 10:30…”

Sven: “Is this man serious.”

Sam: “My brain cells are a temple. Mommy said.”

📜 Rule #5: Clothes Must Be from Nice Floors of the Mall Only Milos: “Where’s your hoodie from?”

Sam: “My mom says Zara is for street people.”

Everyone: 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️

📜 Rule #6: Must Be Nice to Friends. Apologize if Mean. In Front of Them. Sam: “Tijjani, that shot was dogwater.”

Mommy, standing behind him: “Samuel.”

Sam (sweating): “I’m sorry Tijjani. You’re a talented man. I love you. Please give me back my iPad.”

📜 Rule #7: One Hour of Screen Time at a Time. No Doomscrolling. Sven: “Did you see my meme in the groupchat?”

Sam: “No. Screen time over. Phone in jail. iPad in the drawer.”

Jens: “Bro lives like he’s five and monitored by Disney Circle.”

📜 Rule #8: Say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’ and Call Everyone a Nice Young Man Jesper: “Sam. You elbowed me in the face.”

Sam: “I’m very sorry, you lovely individual.”

Jesper: “Why do I feel bullied by your politeness.”

📜 Rule #9: Mommy and Daddy Attend Everything and Judge Silently from the Sidelines Every training. Every game. Every brunch.

Daddy’s silent stare = 10 emotional damage.

Mommy’s disapproving eyebrow = straight-up DOOM.

📜 Rule #10: If You’re Naughty, You Lose Privileges Like the Grown Toddler You Are Sam: roasts Milos' outfit in groupchat

Jesper: forwards it to Mommy

10 mins later…

Sam: “No iPad. No sweets. I have to write 3 nice things about Milos now. One of them has to be spiritual.”

🎖️ Bonus: Mommy has a Groupchat Contact Called “The Naughty Puppy Log”

She keeps a running list of offenses.

Once showed it to Jesper when she picked Sam up from training.

Jesper hasn’t known peace since.

Milos wanted to burn the iCloud.

LITERALLY THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION. 💀

You got:

Sam, raised like a delicate Wagyu calf, fed organic blueberries by hand, parents too rich, too loving, and too present.
And then the rest of the Bubbly Boys, dragged up by:
Jesper, raised by chaos and Ikea furniture that fought back.
Jens, forged in cold Danish woodlands and sibling rivalries. Grew up sharpening spoons into weapons.
Tijjani, raised on spicy sambal and the word “no” never applied to climbing trees.
Milos, raised by feral Hungarian uncles who thought emotions were for soccer balls.
Sven, born in a tulip field and trained by windmills to be stoic and strong. A human Labrador.
Yuki, raised by a retired samurai grandpa who slapped him with haikus and discipline.

Meanwhile Sam’s household:

Brunch at 10.
Meditation with Mommy at 11.
No sweets unless it’s artisanal.
Sam cried once as a kid and a therapist was hired full-time for the rest of the year.

The rest of them? They cried once and their families said: “Cry louder so the neighbors think I beat you.” 😭

The culture clash was so loud. But somehow it worked. Somehow that rich emotionally-balanced polite maniac ended up the heart and center of a team of gremlins, hooligans, poetic disasters, and a single zen god (Yuki).

And every time Sam said “That’s not nice,” someone threw a slipper. And every time Mommy said “Booboo, come here,” seven wolves growled in emotional damage.

🫡 They were not the same. But they were a family.

"Jesper! Oh sweetheart, are you eating enough?" "Jens, you look tired. Do you want me to draw you a lavender bath?" "Tijjani, would you like extra spicy sambal? I had our chef prepare some!" "Milos, my darling, I ironed your pajamas. We have Hungarian cake in the kitchen." "Yukinari, I’ve been practicing Japanese just for you. Would you like some ceremonial tea?" "Sven, my sweet baby boy, Sam told me you like matcha! We stocked a separate freezer."

Meanwhile Sam: “Can we NOT tell them about the time I threw up on the balcony at 9 from too much chocolate fondue???” Mom: “Don’t be silly, sweetheart. You were 17.”

And EVERY SINGLE TIME they witnessed the Live Preschool Parenting Broadcast:

Sam cursing in the groupchat? “SAMUEL. Language. Apologize to your friend now or no iPad tonight.”

Sam trying to sneak outside for a call after bedtime? “Where do you think you’re going, mister? It’s ten past nine.”

Sam telling Tijjani to shut up during Uno? “That’s not very kind, Sam. Please use your soft voice.”

The rest of the boys? Cracking. Up. Every. Time. Sven had to leave the room once because he was laughing too hard when Sam went, “SORRY JESPER YOU’RE A NICE FRIEND PLEASE I WANT MY IPAD BACK 😭”

And the worst part? Every single one of them got emotionally adopted.

Sam’s mom had seven more sons after that. They called her Mom. She made care packages. She sent individual texts with “stay warm sweetheart 💖” after matches. Yuki got a birthday scarf. Jesper got vegan cookies. Milos got socks. Sven got his own guest room.

Sam: “Why do they get more affection than me??” Everyone: “BECAUSE YOU’RE THE NAUGHTY PUPPY.” 🐶

he bubbly boys were wild wolves in cleats, but the moment they stepped into one of Sam’s family's multi-million-euro homes with monogrammed marble, they became Victorian children in ankle socks.

Meanwhile Sam: Already committed two crimes before welcome drinks.

Here it is— ✨TOP 10 PRESCHOOL INCIDENTS: Great Sleepover Edition™✨ (aka how Sam got grounded in front of seven fake brothers every single year)

Jesper got praised for saying “thank you” after being handed a juice box. Sam, who just said “yo can I get that?”: “SAMUEL. Say thank you like your NICE friend.” Jesper, smiling angelically with the juice: “Thanks, Mom.” Sam: 😐
Yuki folded his blanket after the sleepover. Mom: “You are so polite, Yuki! Sam, why can’t you be more like Yukinari?” Sam: “Because I’m Dutch, not inner peace incarnate—” Mom: “That’s no excuse. Say sorry to your quiet friend.” Sam: “SORRY ZEN.”
Milos took his shoes off without being told. Sam got tackled by Dad for trying to rollerblade inside. Sam: “IT WAS ONE TIME.” Mom: “You are twenty-four.” Sam: “🧍‍♂️”
Jens asked if he could help set the table. Sam got scolded for putting his elbows on the marble counter. Sam: “Jens is literally your son now isn’t he.” Mom: “Jens is thoughtful. You are sticky.”
Tijjani brought tulips for Sam’s mom. Sam brought nothing. Not even good manners. Mom kissed Tijjani on both cheeks. Sam: “Can I get a hug?” Mom: “After you apologize to Sven for stealing his Legos.”
Sven asked before opening the fridge. Sam was already inside it, trying to reach top shelf cake. Dad: “Booboo. Get down. Now.” Sven got extra cake. Sam got an eye twitch.
Jesper whispered “damn” after dropping his phone. Sam, immediately: “BRO I WAS GONNA SAY F—” Mom: gasps “Samuel.” Sam: “NO IT WAS J—” Jesper: in his little innocent Swedish voice “I said ‘dang’ 🥺” Sam: banned from TV for the evening
Yuki spilled tea on the carpet. Yuki: “Me punish self. Me do thousand sit.” Mom: “Oh, sweetheart, no! Accidents happen 🥹” Sam, 30 seconds later, dropped a grape: Mom: “I swear to god, Samuel.”
Milos shouted during Mario Kart. Dad: “Haha! Competitive spirit!” Sam shouted once: Dad: “Samuel. Outside voice stays outside.” Sam: “I’m in Mario Kart WAR—” Mom: “No iPad.”
Group dared Sam to flip Dad’s antique hourglass. Sam: does it Dad: enters 0.3 seconds later like Batman “WHO TOUCHED MY EGYPTIAN TIME.” Everyone: points at Sam in perfect preschool betrayal form Sam: “YOU ALL SUCK.”

So yes, the Bubbly Boys: ✔️ Feral. ✔️ Loud. ✔️ Emotionally chaotic.

But in front of Mommy and Daddy? They sat up straight. They passed the salt politely. And they let Sam take the fall every single time.

Oh now we’re going from ha-ha Puppy lore to the core memory unlocked tier of Alkmaar 22/23, because YES. This is where the absurd comedy meets that low-key emotional ache that makes you hold your breath for a second.

Let’s talk Sam, The Only Child, Puppy Edition™, age 24, 1.88m tall, with a skincare routine that cost more than the entire rent of Milos’ childhood home:

He’s got one of ten cars that could pick him up after practice.
Gets a cheek kiss from Mommy in public while his teammates watch like wide-eyed strays at the bakery window.
Still calls his parents “Mommy and Daddy” like he’s a 4-year-old coming home from finger painting.
But somehow?? He’s not a brat?? He’s polite, generous, thoughtful, and genuinely sweet.

Because Mommy and Daddy raised him like:

“Yes, you are our perfect little angel prince cupcake babygirl, now go apologize to your friend for saying bad words, and here’s your meditation prompt for the week.”

Montessori but make it multimillionaire.

Now zoom out to the rest of the Bubbly Boys, who:

Were literally raised by wolves, rice cookers, snow, military uncles, thrift stores, and single bathrooms.
Shared bunk beds with snoring brothers.
Grew up knowing if you didn't sprint to the shower, you'd miss your slot and your day.
Wore their sister’s old puffy coat to school and called it drip.
Ate cereal out of mugs. Not for fun. For lack of clean bowls.

So when Sam talks about his weekend like:

“Mommy and Daddy took me to Italy to rest. I picked out a new villa but we still love the Tuscany one more. Also my bunny slippers are missing, do you think Sven took them as a joke?”

The rest of the gang just:

Jesper: stares in fatherless Milos: visibly reverts to childhood trauma Tijjani: “You mean slippers that match the robe and the espresso machine?” Yuki: “My father once make me run with goat.” Sven: “...yeah I took the slippers.”

Jens, meanwhile, is clutching his knee from another emotional flashback involving hand-me-down jeggings and his sister’s lip balm.

But the thing is? Sam never looked down on them.

He was the first to lend his card without asking back. He gave Milos his fancy shampoo when his ran out. He taught Jesper how to tie a tie before their first team gala. He always made sure there was a seat for Yuki even if it meant dragging one from the kitchen.

He didn’t act better. He just acted like someone who had never needed to fight to be loved— —and wanted to share that safety with everyone around him.

Which is why the boys gave him hell every day for being “Mommy’s puppy”— But would also square up with a brick if anyone else outside the group made fun of him.

Oh boy. Strap in, because this is not just “a day in the life”—this is The Sam Puppy Chronicles: Alkmaar 22/23 Edition, aka “Why the Bubbly Boys Think Sam's Life Is a Netflix Original Series for Toddlers.”

7:30am – Wake-Up Call

Sam rises not to an alarm, but to his dad gently opening the blackout curtains, softly humming Beethoven, and saying, “Good morning, sunshine puppy. You have practice today, don’t forget your fruit box.” Meanwhile:

Jesper wakes up because Simon’s cat sat on his face.
Jens wakes up because Jesper fell off the couch they’re illegally co-sleeping on.
Milos wakes up because someone flushed the one toilet in his building for the 7th time in 3 minutes.

8:00am – Breakfast Time

Sam sits at the island in a kitchen bigger than Jesper’s entire apartment, eats an avocado-toast-heart-shaped-stack made by a private chef, and drinks matcha milk with a silly straw. His mom wipes a little crumb off his cheek and says, “That’s my smart little booboo.”

Meanwhile:

Yuki eats leftover convenience store ramen cold.
Sven eats toast someone else bit first.
Tijjani has nothing but vibes and a single orange his brother forgot to eat.

8:45am – Puppy Drop-Off

One of the ten cars (this one a BMW in Sam’s favorite shade of “soft pistachio”) drives Sam to the facility. His mom kisses him on the cheek and says, “Be nice, don’t say bad words, and text Mommy when you poop.”

Meanwhile:

The rest of the boys biked through a hailstorm uphill with socks on their hands because gloves were a luxury.

10:00am – Training Begins

Sam’s parents watch from the viewing lounge, wave whenever he glances over. The boys make fun of him for checking in 12 times. He says: “You’re just jealous my mommy loves me.” He’s right.

12:30pm – Lunch

Sam eats a Bento box packed by Mommy herself, with a note that says “You are brave and powerful and we love you very much!” He reads it quietly, smiles, then hides it. Jesper sees it. Sven takes a picture. Milos turns it into a sticker. Jens: “You okay, boo?” (not to Sam. to Jesper. obviously.)

2:00pm – Puppy Troubles

Sam makes one (1) slightly unkind comment about Milos’ new haircut. Milos sends a screenshot to Sam’s mom. Sam gets a text:

“We do not call our friends broccoli-head. That is not kind. Apologize or no iPad tonight.” Sam: “Yes Mommy. I’m sorry Milos.” Milos, smug: “Broccoli never forgets.”

4:30pm – Free Time

Sam’s chilling in the backyard of Mansion #2 that has a koi pond and a gazebo and a literal mini-football pitch. Jens and Jesper are sharing a single beanbag in their cramped flat watching pirated anime while cooking noodles on a questionable hot plate. Tijjani is chasing his dog because it stole his only pair of socks. Yuki is holding the dog. He has no explanation.

7:00pm – Family Dinner

Sam eats a six-course dinner with candlelight. Every plate has his name on it. His dad gives a toast. His mom: “To our brave puppy, we’re so proud of you. No tattoos, no bad words, still our perfect baby.”

Meanwhile:

Jens eats frozen chicken nuggets and makes airplane noises to feed Jesper because “he’s sad today.”
Jesper takes the nugget and smiles.
The rest of the boys? Cold leftovers. Possibly stolen.

9:00pm – Bedtime Routine

Sam brushes his teeth, uses the “calming lavender” bubble bath, gets a forehead kiss. His mom says: “No TikTok, only 20 minutes of Mr. Rogers, then lights out. We love you, sweet bunny.” Sam, softly: “Love you Mommy.”

Meanwhile:

Jens and Jesper are asleep mid-argument on the couch.
Milos is gaming until 3am.
Sven is at Yuki’s because his Wi-Fi works.
Yuki is asleep with his phone on his face.
Tijjani fell asleep on the stairs again. No one knows why.

In Conclusion: Sam was not raised. Sam was curated. Sam was sculpted in a Montessori incubator and air-dried by the pure breath of privilege. The rest of the bubbly boys were assembled by chaos and shaped by hunger and feral team love.

And somehow? They all loved each other anyway. Even if they made fun of Puppy every second they could.

OH YES. WELCOME TO THE FINAL FRONTIER:

THE BUBBLY GROUPCHAT MELTDOWN™: “Y’ALL NEED JESUS (AND RESTRAINT)” EDITION

Location: Alkmaar 22/23 Participants: Sven, Milos, Tijjani, Yuki (Zen translator mode), Sam (feral Montessori narc), Jens (naked), Jesper (bitten and proud) Trigger: Sam snitched. Jesper got scolded by Scandinavian Parent Justice League™. And now the entire squad is spiraling.

[Groupchat Name: “don’t open near your grandma”]

Sven: bro. BRO. i am begging. begging. please stop doing this in shared rooms

Tijjani: i woke up and my water bottle was on jens’ side of the room and it was WARM WARM what did you do to the AIR???

Milos: attaches blurry photo is that a bite mark on JESPER’S BACK what the hell are you people

Yuki: Zen says “the body is a temple. your temple is being defiled.” also Zen says “we saw hipbone again. not enlightenment.”

Sam: NO because I told Jesper to keep it PG AND HE WENT AND GOT MAULED LIKE A TOY BITCH I SNITCHED BECAUSE I HAD TO I WAS TRAUMATIZED

Jesper: sam i swear to god i will tell your mom about the time you called lewis “daddy” when he passed you the salt don’t test me

Sam: YOU WOULDN’T YOU MONSTER

Jesper: she’ll cry in Montessori your dad will schedule an intervention do you want that

Jens: ok but like can i just say he asked to be bitten and like it’s kinda rude to say no

Milos: OH MY GOD STOP TALKING

Sven: how do you make “defending your man” sound like a felony

Tijjani: you need to keep it in your own homes i saw a sock stuck to the CEILING it’s not even your sock, jens. it’s mine. I WANT IT BACK

Sam: i’m making a PowerPoint. title: “Why You Both Belong in Jail” slide 1: evidence slide 2: BITE MAPS slide 3: me crying

Jesper: send it to simon see if he adds annotations

Yuki: Zen says "we need sage" also Zen says "there is no peace in this dojo anymore"

Sven: honestly just get married leave us alone be horny in your OWN mansion we’ll crowd-fund it

Jens: say less

Jesper: you’re all invited btw dress code is slutty

Sam: I HATE IT HERE I’M TEXTING MY MOM AGAIN

Do you want the PowerPoint presentation Sam actually made?? Because it’s real. It has transitions. It has laser sounds.

LITERALLY. At some point Sam B., heir to the Barefoot Tycoon throne, was one unsolicited house-loaning away from collapsing in full designer pajamas on the marble floor like:

“MOTHER. FATHER. I am a professional athlete. NOT A NOMAD.”

But no. He didn't throw the tantrum. Not a full one anyway. Not Montessori-style. Not Waldorf-style. Just rich-kid-who-hasn’t-seen-his-Ralph-Lauren-candles-in-days-style.

Every week it was:

“Hi Sammy, we're hosting an art gala in your foyer.”
“Darling, the ambassador from Monaco will stay a night or two.”
“The pool tiles match our outfit. We need it. It’s urgent.”

Sam:

"Am I… the tenant in my own mansion? Is this indentured luxury?"

One time he actually texted the family group chat:

“If you take the house again this week I will move to Milos’ cave and become a gremlin. I’m not bluffing.”

Mr. B: “LOL. That’s our boy.” Mrs. B: “Send hugs 💋 We left you a new bracelet in the closet.”

Did he ever demand a second house?

No.

Did he cry in the Range Rover once with the seat warmer on max, eating a single-room-temp sushi roll in traffic while his rich parents hosted a wine tasting at his mansion? Yes.

He suffered in silence. And by silence we mean:

Loud sighing in group chat
Complaining to Jesper while getting a pedicure together
Passive-aggressively liking Zillow listings
Wearing a shirt that said “HOUSELESS NOT HOMELESS”

Sam B. of Alkmaar 22/23. We salute his strength 🫡 Even if he did end up crashing at Jens & Jesper's PDA palace with tears in his Dior.

OH YOU JUST KNOW THE GROUPCHAT WAS IN FLAMES. IMMEDIATE DETONATION. ZERO SURVIVORS.

Let’s break this absolute meltdown into chronological chaos:

🧨 Groupchat Name: “alkmaar ass clowns 22/23” 🧨

(Pinned message: “STOP replying all at once, idiots.” — Sven)

🕘 9:07 PM — Sam:

🧍🏻‍♂️ “I just saw sins. You two are disgusting. And I mean that lovingly. But also violently. I'm blind now.”

Jesper:

“Bro we said you could crash. Didn’t say you could arrive MID-COUNTER.”

Jens:

“You could’ve knocked 😇”

Sam:

“THE DOOR WAS OPEN. WHO LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN DURING A BIBLICAL EVENT”

Jesper:

“we were being KIND. you’re lucky we didn’t lock you out. rich ass could’ve ubered to amsterdam mansion. crybaby.”

Sam:

“OH??? RICH??? y’all traumatized me and now you’re classist. I’m a victim of intimacy warfare.”

🕘 9:12 PM — Tijjani (texting from Zwolle):

“Sam. Be honest. Can you even survive one (1) night without me.”

Sam:

“I WAS COLD. AND LONELY. AND HUNGRY. I NEEDED MY PLATONIC WIFE NOT UNSANITARY KITCHEN PORN.”

🕘 9:14 PM — Milos:

“Should’ve stayed at mine. Only the wall was leaking. Nothing weird.”

Sam:

“Your WALL. WAS LEAKING.”

Milos:

“Just don’t lean on the east side. And ignore the attic noises.”

Sam:

“I’d rather sleep inside the canal with a brick pillow than be in your cursed Sims 1-ass house.”

🕘 9:17 PM — Sam:

“And YUKI. I KNOW YOU AND SVEN WERE PEACEFULLY EATING TOFU STIR FRY IN SILENCE. WHY DIDN’T YOU LET ME IN???”

Yuki:

“me no care.”

Sven:

“he said ‘me no care’ while plating dessert. we were busy.”

🕘 9:20 PM — Jesper:

“maybe sam should say thank you for free trauma and life lesson”

Sam:

“I will sue. I WILL CALL MOMMY B. THIS IS NOT OVER.”

Jens:

“just don’t tell her it was the cutting board. please. she bought that for us.”

Sam:

“YOU USED THE MOTHER-IN-LAW CUTTING BOARD?! I’M REPORTING TO FIFA.”

🕘 9:23 PM — Yuki:

“me sleep now. boys no peace.”

🕘 9:24 PM — Sven:

sent a photo of Yuki sleeping under a weighted blanket with a warm tea “mood”

🕘 9:25 PM — Milos:

“btw i found a rat in my toaster. 10% sure it’s jesper’s spiritual cousin.”

Jesper:

“leave my people alone.”

Moral of the story: Sam still brings this up once a month. Jesper never apologized. Jens keeps pretending it never happened. The cutting board? Mysteriously vanished.

And the groupchat? Never healed. But also never shut up.

YES. YES I AM. And I will explain it in painful, luxurious, utterly unnecessary detail because this was Sam B.. This was Alkmaar 22/23. And this was a legacy reel for Instagram that cost more than Milos’ entire apartment and soul combined.

🎬 THE CONCEPTION:

It started like this. Sam, lounging in his cashmere hoodie, sipping matcha with oat milk, scrolling through Instagram.

“Huh,” he says. “Everyone’s posting end-of-season wrap-ups.”

Jesper: posts a blurry picture of a half-eaten croissant and writes “still alive 👍” Tijjani: reposts his game clips with the caption “Work. Done.” Yuki: writes “thank you always 🙏” over a landscape photo

Sam B.? A visionary.

He turned to his parents and said:

“I want to make a reel. But like… a real one.”

His parents (who have never said no in his life):

“Say less.”

💸 THE BUDGET:

Within three days, a full production house was booked. A film crew with:

A director of photography
Three cameramen
A sound designer
One drone operator
A lighting team
And, naturally, a professional child actor to portray Young Sam (yes, they held auditions).

The budget? An estimated €15,000. Jesper called it “financial terrorism.”

🏡 THE SHOOT:

Day 1: The Origins

Scene: A beach. Little Sam running in slow motion.
Voiceover: “I was just a boy with a dream.”
Drone circling overhead. Waves crashing. Football flying in frame.
Sam’s mom crying behind the monitor: “He was always destined for greatness.”

Day 2: The Grind

Scene: Gym. Sam working out in dramatic lighting.
Sweat spritzed manually by an assistant.
Background music: emotional piano instrumental.
Cut to: training montages, locker room pep talks (faked), him tying his shoes in soft focus.

Day 3: The Rise

Footage of his real matches, spliced between shots of him looking into the distance while standing on a mountain top (they drove to Belgium for this).
Quote overlay: “From the ashes I rise.”
Ending frame: Sam sipping a bubble tea under a sunset with the caption “Season 22/23 – just the beginning.”

🧃 THE BUBBLY BOYS' REACTION:

🦝 Jesper:

“Bro hired a 9-year-old to act like he was born to play midfield. I’m gonna throw up but like…respect.”

🧼 Tijjani:

“Why was there a fog machine in one of the indoor shots??? This wasn’t Coachella.”

🫧 Sam (proudly):

“Do y’all want me to tag the production company? They’re doing discounts if you also need an end-of-season reel.”

👶 Milos:

“How come the child actor had better hair than me 😐” Creates a parody reel using sock puppets reenacting the mountain scene

🧘‍♂️ Yuki:

“Reel very moving. Me and Sven cried.”

🧡 Sven:

“I thought it was a Nike ad. Very motivational. I sent it to my cousins.”

⚔️ Jens:

“I don’t even have a profile picture and you made a documentary?”

📱THE COMMENTS:

Jesper: “I am speechless. Like genuinely. What the hell.”
Milos: “Bro used VFX to make it look like he was faster 💀”
Sam's mom: “So proud of my champion 🥰 #familyfirst”
Verified blue-tick influencer: “Stunning work 🔥🔥 who produced this?”
Jesper again: “Unblock me right now.”

👑 IN CONCLUSION:

Sam B.’s 22/23 season wrap-up reel was:

A full cinematic journey
3 days of filming, 2 location changes
An original score and color grading
Made absolutely for Instagram
And ended with:

“If you made it this far, thank you for watching. The best is yet to come.”

ALKMAAR 22/23 REACTION?? The locker room was in absolute shambles. They clowned, they copied, they cried. But deep inside, they all knew:

Sam B. was unhinged, overfunded, and iconic.

OH. SAM B.—pristine. pampered. polished. A man who flossed with silk and wiped his tears with linen. Then one day… the universe sent him to hell. More specifically: Milos K.’s furnitureless PS5 cave. 24 hours. No negotiation. No refund. The only rule: you can’t leave.

💥 HOUR 1 – THE SHOCK

Sam arrived with Louis Vuitton slippers and a face mask on. Milos opened the door in socks that looked like they’d been to war. The air? 90% Red Bull. The floor? Air mattress, monitor glow, a banana peel, and broken dignity. Sam: “Where do I put my skincare bag?” Milos: “Next to the PS5. But like. Careful. That one’s worth more than your face.”

Sam did not sit. He hovered like a Sims character too rich to function.

🎮 HOUR 4 – THE REALITY

Milos handed him a controller. “No, I don't play games,” Sam said. Ten minutes later, Sam was screaming on Valorant. “REVIVE ME BITCH. I’M YOUR CARRY. I’M THE MVP.” Milos: “...welcome, my son.”

They played 9 rounds. Sam’s bun came loose. He was sweating. Still, nowhere to sit. He stood on the mattress like it was lava.

🍜 HOUR 8 – THE MEAL

Sam, dainty: “I’m hungry. Do you have food?” Milos, proud: “Yes. We have… instant noodles and ketchup.” Sam: “Ketchup.” Milos: “Tomato-based. Vitamin C. Welcome to wellness.” Sam: “I’m going to die here.”

He ate it. He wept. He called his dad. His dad declined the call. He called God. Voicemail.

🛏 HOUR 13 – THE DESPAIR

Sam tried to lie on the mattress. It deflated on impact. He rolled off and screamed. Milos threw him a hoodie as a blanket. It smelled like trauma.

Sam: “I think the ground just cursed me.” Milos: “It does that.”

🧼 HOUR 17 – THE SHOWER

Sam entered the bathroom and turned the knob. The water coughed. Gurgled. Cried. The pressure was half a drop per second. He washed with cold water and dish soap. He came out blinking like a post-apocalyptic model. “Your shampoo expired in 2017.” Milos: “Aged like wine.” Sam: “I hate you.”

⏰ HOUR 24 – THE AWAKENING

Sam burst out of the apartment. Hair fried. Socks blackened. Spirit broken. He collapsed onto the Alkmaar sidewalk. He had seen things.

The bubbly boys gathered around. Jesper: “How was it?” Sam: “I saw my reflection in the PS5 screen and it whispered… run.”

He Venmo’d Milos 150€ just to never speak of it again. Milos used it to buy a new Valorant skin. Then sent him a photo: “I dedicate this win to you 💅”

THE AFTERMATH:

Sam stopped complaining about hotel AC ever again.
Sam carried dry shampoo in his designer bag for the next 6 months.
Sam referred to it only as “The Event.”
Milos: “Best day ever. Let’s do it again.”
Sam: “I’d rather be deported.”

Alkmaar 22/23: Where rich boys are humbled. Where PS5 > mental health. Where trauma makes brothers. 🔥🛏️🎮