OH MY GOD YESSS let’s rank the 10 most random and deeply concerning places the Bubbly Boys and Alkmaar staff have found Jesper, fast asleep like an unhinged raccoon, while everyone either ignored it or rang Jens’ hotline of doom:
🌟 10. Under the treatment table in the physio room Literally crawled underneath it because it was “cool and dark.” The physio almost tripped over him.
🥈 9. Inside the kit storage Nestled among the spare socks and bibs. Jens got called because only his voice could wake him.
🥉 8. On top of the washing machine mid-cycle The vibration lulled him to sleep. Yuki gently poked his cheek to confirm he was alive.
🎖 7. In the empty bathtub in the players’ showers Curled up like a cat. Nobody asked why. Jens fetched a blanket.
🏅 6. The back of the team bus luggage compartment He crawled in to get his bag and fell asleep. They had to fish him out when they arrived.
🥇 5. Under the tactical whiteboard during team talk Coach flipped the board and found a snoozing Jesper. Just sighed and continued.
⚡️ 4. Lying face-down on the yoga mats in the warm-up area Looked like a murder scene. Milos drew chalk outlines around him.
✨ 3. Inside a giant cardboard box labeled “Old balls” Sam: “We thought he was a raccoon again.”
👑 2. Behind the counter in the players’ kitchen He went to grab a snack, laid down “for a second,” and was found 2 hours later by Sven.
💀 1. On the massage table… while someone else was mid-treatment Literally crawled up next to a teammate, fell asleep spooning him. Jens was called. Nobody was surprised.
Runner-up: The literal hallway floor. He just flopped down, using his hoodie as a pillow. Yuki stepped over him like it was IKEA decor.
Most common response:
- Random player: “Uh, Jens…we found your raccoon again.”
- Jens: “I’m coming.”
🥇 10/10 vibe. 0/10 sense. 1000/10 love.
Setting: late afternoon in Alkmaar. It’s hot. It’s muggy. And everything has gone wrong.
- Jesper woke up late.
- His boba order was wrong ("why the fck would they put mango in matcha—what war crime is this"*)
- He got caught in traffic and nearly combusted inside a boiling car.
- Training sucked. Ball control? Trash. Passing? Off. Coach? Judgy.
- Worst part: his fancy Swedish shampoo is empty, and he had to use Jens’ 4-in-1 “Shampoo Conditioner Body Wash Viking Sauce” and he swears it smells like pine and testosterone and regret.
Jesper is at the edge.
19:20 – locker room. Sam quietly warns Sven:
“He’s mad. He didn’t even put his earrings back in. That’s stage 3.”
Sven: “I saw him glare at a vending machine for two minutes straight.” Milos: “He threw a cone. A f**king cone.” Yuki (philosophically):
“Anger is fire. But fire need air to live. Do not breathe near him.”
They all vacate the area.
Enter Jens.
He's late. Hair still wet. Beaming. Holding a paper bag.
Jesper: “Don’t talk to me.” Jens: “Okay.” Sits down next to him. Silently opens the bag. Pulls out another boba. Puts it next to Jesper. Jesper: “…this isn’t mango?” Jens: “It’s the boring one you like.” Jesper: “…classic matcha with 30% sugar level and almond milk?” Jens: “Yeah. And the chewy pearls.” Jesper glares at it. Glares at Jens. Jesper: “Fine.”
Five minutes later:
Jesper is drinking. Still mad. Grumbling about how sweaty he was, how his touch was off, how this whole city is a personal attack on him.
Jens just nods, humming occasionally. Does not interrupt. Does not try to fix it. He just listens, shoulder pressed against Jesper’s, until Jesper starts winding down like a small angry top.
Jesper: “And the shampoo, Jens. I smelled like f**king Nordic pine war camp.” Jens, gently: “That’s my favorite smell.” Jesper: “...Shut up.”
But his voice is quieter now. The rage is flickering.
21:00 – Jens drives Jesper home.
Jesper: “Can I borrow your hoodie?” Jens: “You always do.” Jesper: “…Okay but can you give it to me like... romantically.”
Jens makes the most dramatic scene known to man. Gets out of the car, opens Jesper’s door, drapes the hoodie around him like a medieval cloak and kisses his forehead. Jesper: “…You're so stupid.” But he’s smiling now.
Later: Sam texts the group chat:
“Jesper didn’t scream at anyone today. What happened.”
Milos:
“He made that face like he was gonna kill a referee, and then Jens looked at him and it disappeared.”
Yuki:
“Love is best anger management.” Sven: “What was in that boba. Holy water?”
Jesper’s text to Jens that night:
“thanks for not talking me out of it. just letting me be mad. even when i act like a dick. you’re good at loving me.”
Jens’ reply:
“you’re soft. even when you’re mad. i love all your faces.”
Jesper screenshot it. Posted it on close friends with a black screen and the caption:
“pissbaby era ft. emotional support viking”
Handling Baby Sloth Jesper™: Jens’ Official Teammate Survival Guide (Alkmaar 22/23 Edition — updated after The Great Fork Incident™)
SECTION 1: IDENTIFICATION Signs you are in the presence of Baby Sloth Jesper:
Eyes blinking once every full moon.
Mouth slightly open, zero sound.
Hoodie three sizes too big (probably Jens’).
Coffee in hand, never actually sipped.
Follows Jens around silently like a sleepy duckling.
Zen field note: “Sloth activate. Peace mode. No talk. No alarm. Hug now.”
SECTION 2: DOs & DON'Ts
DO:
Speak softly, or better yet, not at all.
Offer fruit. Cut into pieces. Feed gently like he’s a Victorian ghost child.
Let him sit in your lap if you’re Jens.
Pet his hair. Again, only if you’re Jens.
Let him finish his "system reboot" (usually by second breakfast).
DON’T:
Ask questions that require brain cells.
Make direct eye contact (he might go back to sleep).
Give him any form to sign.
Hand him anything breakable.
Ask about football. He doesn't know football yet.
Sven once asked him what day it was. Jesper blinked and said, “Jens.” That's it. Just Jens. The man was GONE.
SECTION 3: INTERACTIONS
If you’re Milos: Do not panic. Accept the fork. He does not mean harm.
If you’re Sam: Don’t swear in front of him. He is pure now. Jens will glare.
If you’re Tijjani: DO NOT try to start banter. He is emotionally offline.
If you’re Zen: Bow. Namaste. Give vitamin C.
If you’re Jens: Congratulations. You are the chosen one. Wrap him in blanket. Hold like loaf. Kiss forehead. You may speak for him until further notice.
SECTION 4: ESCALATION PROCEDURE
If Jesper curls under the dining table in hoodie cocoon mode: Let him be. This is part of the process. Jens will join him shortly.
If he meows instead of talking: This is not a drill. Pet him. Don't film it. Unless you're Jens.
BONUS: Coach once asked him to lead warm-ups in this mode. Jesper laid down flat on the mat like a rug and didn’t move. Jens stepped in: “He spiritually warmed us all up.”