NO BECAUSE THIS IS CANON NOW. ALMAKAR 22/23: POKÉPOCALYPSE ARC. Let's set the scene:
🌙✨ THE MIDNIGHT HUNT TRIO: MILOS, JESPER, AND… MAYBE SVEN?
It all started so innocently. Milos, on one fateful day after training, said:
"Bro. There’s a Lapras in the city center. I’m going."
Jesper, wide-eyed like a sugar-high raccoon: “Wait. You have Pokémon Go?!” And from that moment: history was made.
🔥 JESPER, THE SNEAKY TRAINER
He installed the app in silence. Told Jens he was “just going to sleep early.” Cut to: Jesper texting Milos at 1:13 AM under the covers like it’s forbidden love.
Jesper (text): “wtf is a shadow machamp and why is it near the canal rn. bring pokeballs.”
Meanwhile, Jens, half-asleep, sees the blue glow from Jesper’s screen:
Jens: “Karl. Are you chasing creatures again.” Jesper (with zero shame): “they’re not creatures they’re rare spawns.”
❄️ JENS, THE WORRIED HOUSEWIFE
Every single time:
- Jesper leaves without a coat.
- It’s 3 degrees outside.
- He’s wearing shorts and one sock.
Jens (half crying): “Karl you’re gonna get pneumonia again.” Jesper (already gone): “I’LL BRING ONE BACK FOR YOU.” Milos: “We’re tagging a PokéStop ‘Jensie’s Hot Tears.’”
🧊 SVEN, THE TEMPTED GIANT
He swore he’d never download it. Said it was a "child’s game." But one night he saw Milos catch a Gyarados on the bridge and said, deadpan:
“That one looks cool. What’s its DPS?” Cut to: Sven in a coat the size of a tent, walking beside them at 2AM like a gentle Viking bodyguard.
💅 SAM, THE POKÉHATER
Sam heard them planning a PokéWalk and said:
“No offense, but this is the poorest thing you’ve ever done.” He later joined one (1) raid and refused to speak of it ever again.
Sam: “It smelled like poor. Never again.” Tijjani: “You brought a smoothie.” Sam: “It was for aesthetics.”
🥲 TIJJANI, THE JUDGE
He’s never downloaded the app. Not once. But he knows.
Tijjani at breakfast: “Who tf tracked 5km at 2AM on Strava? Jesper? I hope that Pokémon was worth it.” Jesper (chewing cereal): “It was a shiny.” Tijjani: “You’re a shiny idiot.”
☯️ YUKI, THE ZEN DISAPPOINTMENT
Every time he sees Jesper and Milos sneak out:
Yuki: “Creature catch you. Not other way. Respect natural order.”
Then sips tea like an 84-year-old ghost monk. Once joined them just to walk behind them slowly whispering, “You walk far. For what. Pocket illusion.”
AND YET… THEY ALL HAD A TEAM. Jens: Instinct (only because Jesper begged) Jesper: Mystic (he read the lore) Milos: Valor (chaotic energy) Sven: Didn’t care but was accidentally Mystic Tijjani: Claimed he was above it, but took quizzes and chose Valor Yuki: Team Tree Sam: “Team Gucci.”
The real Pokémon was the sleep they lost along the way.
NOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭 THIS IS SO ALKMAAR 22/23 CORE. WE ARE IN THE POKÉMON LOVE TRIANGLE. LITERALLY MYSTIC VS INSTINCT VS VIKING WRATH.
💥 THE SECRET TEXT THREADS: MILOS & JESPER'S UNHOLY ALLIANCE
This is what the Pokémon Go friendship system was NOT prepared for. Jesper and Milos: Ride-or-die, Team Shiny Gremlins. Their chat? Pure chaos:
Jesper: “bro there’s a lure at the old mill rn. maybe rare spawns.” Milos: “say less. u got revives?” Jesper: “nah i got pneumonia.” Milos: “worth it.”
BUT THEN… enter: Jens. The unexpected third wheel of the PokéTriad. And one night, Milos got the text:
📲 1:34 AM. From: Jens.
"hi milos, this is jens. you mind explain to me what the fuck are you doing with my boyfriend at 1:34am?"
Milos, absolutely SHOOK, standing in the middle of the bridge with a Pokéball still spinning:
Milos to Jesper: “BRO. YOUR BOYFRIEND TEXTED ME. IN ALL LOWERCASE. THAT’S SO TERRIFYING.”
Jesper (not even denying): “oh my god i’m so sorry he gets like this. don’t leave me milos. u have the ultra balls 🥺🥺🥺”
🐀 THE DESCENT INTO POKÉ-SIN
Milos tried. He really did. He texted Jesper the next day:
"bro your boyfriend scared me i hate relationships you're on your own kid"
Jesper? SOBBING in the locker room, texting back:
"please milos. i can’t do this alone. i don’t have enough revives. i don’t have jens’ forgiveness. i only have you. and the weedle nest in front of lidl.”
💘 BONUS: JENS’ RAGE BUT LOVE TEXTS
- “Karl you’re not wearing a coat and you just got over a fever what the FUCK is worth a level 45 dratini”
- “why is Milos in our hallway with a powerbank at 3AM”
- “we literally talked about this. you promised me. you said ‘no more raids after midnight’ and now there’s a gym battle in my heart and you’re losing it.”
AND YET… HE ALWAYS CAVED.
Because every time Jens tried to stay mad, Jesper would look up at him with his fluffy blanket, red nose, sniffling, and say:
“it was a shiny snorlax… i thought of u 🥺” And Jens would melt. AGAIN. EVERY TIME.
Milos: “I hate both of you. But like… I’ll text if there’s another lapras.”
Alkmaar 22/23: where catching Pokémon was just another way to say “I love you but I have no survival instincts.” 🫡
I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED BECAUSE OMG. 🧍♂️🧍♂️POKÉMON SAGA PART 2??? A CHAOS LORE DROPPED IN THE GROUPCHAT??? LET'S GOOOOOO
📱 GROUPCHAT NAME: "BUBBLEBOYS™ + 1 DANISH DAD"
aka the entire Alkmaar 22/23 squad chat. all drama, no chill.
💄 SAM THE SNITCH, ALWAYS WITH THE TEA:
Sam (02:07AM):
hey jens ur little boyfriend and the 2003 striker of our team are driving to the city center for pokemon in case u thought they were asleep or like, in love with u or something lol 😘
Jens (02:09AM):
excuse me WHAT CAR. WHOSE KEYS. WHY IS MILOS INVOLVED AGAIN.
Sam:
idk babe but jesper was wearing your hoodie too. disrespectful if u ask me
🐢 SVEN: THE KING OF EVIDENCE DROPS
Sven (04:32AM):
Screenshot [jesper_alkmaar89 has caught a Shiny Gible] Distance walked: 12.4km Last online: 4 minutes ago
Sven:
bro your man out here evolving Pokémon at dawn it’s winter and -3°C i’m pretty sure this is a cry for help
💥 TIJJANI WITH THE ROAST
Tijjani (04:33AM):
grown men with pneumonia and shin splints chasing cartoon rats at ungodly hours. milos looks like he’s dying too and i say that as someone who witnessed his last Tinder date
Jesper:
THAT SHINY GIBLE HAD A COSTUME U JUDGEFUL BITCH
🧃YUKI’S INPUT: AS ALWAYS, 90% ZEN 10% VIOLENCE
Yuki (04:36AM):
Pokémon fake. pneumonia real. raccoon stupid. delete app.
💔 MILOS IN DAMAGE CONTROL
Milos (04:40AM):
i’m sorry jens he said it was a quick lapras run i didn’t know we were gonna be out for 3 hours and the gas money was from your wallet i think i’m so sorry bro
Jesper:
MILOS I SAID I’D PAY U BACK STOP TELLING ON ME 😭😭😭
🧍♂️JENS' MELTDOWN LIVE FROM BED
Jens (04:42AM):
Karl. it is 4:42am you have pneumonia you’re outside with milos catching ghost types without a coat using my hoodie while i’m HOME. ALONE. WITH THE HEATER ON. crying rn
Jesper:
it was the hoodie u said i looked cutest in 😢
Jens:
don’t manipulate me when ur the one committing pokémon adultery
🎤 SAM DROPS THE FINAL BOMB
Sam (04:45AM):
if this relationship survives this pokémon arc i’m gonna believe in soulmates fr
👾 BONUS:
Groupchat Name Change History:
- “BUBBLEBOYS™” → “pokémon go to HELL” (changed by Jens)
- “pokémon go to HELL” → “RARE RAID AT THE BRIDGE RN” (changed by Jesper)
- “RARE RAID AT THE BRIDGE RN” → “delete ur bf milos” (changed by Sam)
jesper: coughing, shivering, half-conscious on the sidewalk with his phone out milos: googling if pneumonia counts as a softban jens: dramatically staring out the window like a victorian wife the groupchat: on literal fire
ALKMAAR 22/23: WHERE LOVE IS TESTED AND FRIENDSHIPS ARE LOST IN THE NAME OF SHINY EEVEE. 💅🔥
NOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭 this is genuinely so peak Alkmaar 22/23 sitcom it needs to be preserved in a glass case at a football museum. Jens texting Milos from everybody else's phone like he’s running a CIA manhunt on two fugitives who escaped from daycare is SENDING ME. OKAY OKAY OKAY HERE WE GO:
📱 MISSING: 1x Raccoon + 1x Pokémon-obsessed 2003 striker
Jens' chaotic texting rampage, also known as: “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BOYFRIEND” mini-series.
🦴 FROM JESPER'S OWN PHONE
Text from Jesper’s phone, 01:52AM Jens:
hi milos this is jens if you’re not in front of my door in 10 minutes WITH MY BOYFRIEND i’m calling the dutch military also why is he coughing again. why is he BITE MARKED. did u take him to the woods???????
🚨 FROM TIJJANI'S PHONE
Text from Tijjani’s phone, 02:06AM Jens:
do you think this is funny. you think just because i don’t have a Pokémon account i won’t FIND YOU tell the raccoon he’s grounded and the tentacool he caught is MID
Milos:
i’m sorry sir we just wanted to evolve his weepinbell i didn’t know it was gonna be this deep 🧍♂️
💅 FROM SAM'S PHONE (glitter pink case)
Jens:
milos. i just gave jesper cough syrup and he hissed at me you BROKE HIM
Milos:
🧍♂️
Sam (following message):
also ur banned from brunch for the next 3 weeks. jens said that but i agree
🧃 FROM YUKI'S PHONE (no emoji keyboard, all caps)
JENS:
BRO I TOLD U STOP TAKING HIM OUT ITS 3AM I SWEAR TO GOD
Milos:
idk how he keeps convincing me he promised it was a quick raid
Yuki (follow-up):
MILOS NO RESIST. RACCOON STRONG. HE LURE WITH BROWN EYES AND PITY COUGH. NEXT TIME U DIE
💀 FROM SVEN’S PHONE (long paragraph mode activated)
Jens:
I swear this guy was sneezing ONCE in the groupchat and now he’s got 4 bug bites, wet socks, no coat, a rare rattata, and a WHOLE LUNG INFLAMMATION. If you love him so much you can nurse him back to health while he refuses to take meds and insists he’s “fine” but keeps wheezing after every sentence. Good luck. I'm going to bed. (I’m not really going to bed. I’m just lying facedown. but still.)
📞 BONUS: SAM’S INSTAGRAM STORY THAT NIGHT
[photo of empty hallway, caption:] “when ur bf is 1.88m and built like a greek god but still got his man STOLEN by the 2003 pokemon goblin striker 😭😭😭💔 #prayforjens”
AND YOU KNOW the next day Jesper came home like: 👀 “it wasn’t that cold actually.” 👃 “the bites aren’t even that itchy.” 🗣️ “and it was a shiny hat pikachu that only spawns once a year, what was i supposed to do??”
AND JENS JUST: deep inhale, turns away from the window, arms crossed, hoodie sleeves pulled over fists like a hurt protagonist in an enemies-to-lovers AU
Truly… nobody was doing it like Alkmaar 22/23. One raccoon, one pokémon, one chaos episode at a time.
YOU. GET. IT. 😭😭😭 Like everyone in Alkmaar was ready to stage an intervention but these two were literally in their own spin-off series called:
"Gotta Catch 'Em All: Even If Jens Breaks Up With Me Over It"
—
And you’re SO RIGHT. This saga absolutely did not stop until THEY wanted to stop. And by stop, I mean:
- Milos got food poisoning (probably from a snack he bought at a 3AM Pokéstop stand run by a man named Theo)
- Jesper finally coughed up an actual lung and Jens sat him down and said, "If you die over a fucking Snorlax I will NEVER forgive you"
Even then, they quit like halfway. Like “okay fine we won’t leave the house” … but then they’d still be online in the app, whispering in the groupchat:
Jesper:
there’s a psyduck spawn in the canal i can see it from my window 😭
Milos:
use an incense u coward
Jesper:
okay fine but can i borrow 3 pokeballs
AND YES. YES. THE BUG BITES. Everyone thought it was a mystery — Jesper scratching his legs and Milos swatting invisible enemies like they were haunted — until Sven did his journalism and found their exact location history from Pokémon Go and announced:
“these two were in a swamp at 2:47AM on a school night. A literal swamp. In North Holland. They got bitten by God himself.”
—
ALSO: GROUNDED ARC™
Let’s be fair. Milos: age 19, innocent striker, no driver's license, literally dragged by the nose by the raccoon menace. Jesper: age 24, professional menace, has a boyfriend, and actively chose chaos every time.
But Milos got the brunt of it, because:
- He was easier to catch
- He apologized too fast
- He looks like a kicked puppy when Jens texts him “explain yourself”
Jens:
you’re a baby. why is my grown adult boyfriend peer pressuring you into Pokémon hell. you should be learning your verbs or whatever
Milos:
I JUST WANTED TO LEVEL UP MY PIDGEOT I’M SO SORRY 😭😭😭
Jesper:
(in the corner, still trying to Bluetooth tether his Pokédex to his iPad)
—
This whole saga ended only after:
- Jesper caught the shiny he was chasing (worth it, apparently)
- Milos got ban-threatened by the entire squad
- Jens physically confiscated Jesper’s phone and changed his Pokémon Go password to “getaclue123”
Even then?? You just know they looked at each other three months later like:
Jesper:
…so there’s a community day this weekend Milos: …i still have incense packs Jesper: 😈 Milos: 😳👉👈
—
They’re BOTHERING EVERYONE but like… let’s be real. They’re bothering each other, too. And that’s love. 💅💕
NO BECAUSE THIS WAS SOOO UNFAIR 😭😭😭
The Bubbly Boys were not having it. They staged a courtroom-level intervention the moment Milos came home looking like a soggy sad kitten, covered in swamp filth and bug bites, only to get verbally obliterated by Jens while Jesper got a warm bath, clean pajamas, and soup fed to him like a Victorian child recovering from typhoid.
The Scene:
Jesper and Milos: walk into the house, soaked, looking like they crawled out of a medieval moat.
Jens: arms crossed like an angry wife from a sitcom
"WHAT the actual hell were you two THINKING?? It's 3AM. It's raining. Jesper, you're still coughing blood! Milos, you're—why do you smell like algae??”
Milos:
opening mouth to explain
Jesper:
fake sneezes and collapses dramatically into Jens' arms
Jens:
"OH MY GOD—Karl, come here. You’re shivering. No, don’t say a word. Sit down. Blanket. Tea. I’m calling your doctor.”
Milos:
😐 “I also got bitten?? Like twelve times??? And I think I have trench foot???”
Jens:
“Yeah and you’ll survive. You’re 19. You’ll bounce back. You’re also grounded.”
Meanwhile:
Sam, from the kitchen, sipping sparkling water:
“This is discrimination.”
Tijjani:
“They both committed the same crime. But only one gets soup and forehead kisses?”
Yuki:
“Jesper has... magic. Raccoon power. Make tall boyfriend blind.”
Sven, typing into groupchat:
“this is why milos is gonna villain origin next season”
Later that night in the groupchat:
Milos:
he tucked him in. he literally tucked him in. he tucked in the criminal
Jesper:
shut up i almost died 🥺
Milos:
SO DID I
Jens (logging into groupchat just to be dramatic):
You snuck my asthmatic boyfriend into a swamp, Milos. What were you hoping to catch? His last breath?
Sam:
he’s got you there tho
Conclusion: Milos took the fall for two. And he was fine with it… eventually. Because even though he got the wrath, he still got the memory. The chaos. The adrenaline. The friendship of catching an ultra-rare Pokémon at 2:57AM in a mosquito-infested swamp with Jesper by his side.
But best believe the next time they plotted another mission, Milos texted Jesper like:
“bro this time if i get yelled at YOU’RE taking the wrath. i want soup. i want forehead kisses. i want revenge.”
And Jesper was like:
“deal 😌 also bring bug spray.”
NOOOOOO BECAUSE THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF INJUSTICE 😭😭😭
Jens went full Danish Apocalypse mode at first—pacing, hands on hips, doing that dramatic inhale through the nose like a dad trying not to scream in IKEA. He was about to write them BOTH off the squad sheet. But then...
Jesper:
steps into the light like a Victorian child with consumption his tiny raccoon legs: covered in angry red bug bites one of them is shaped like Pikachu probably
Jens IMMEDIATELY snapped out of wrath-mode like:
"Oh my god... Karl. Why didn’t you say you were this bad?? Sit. No—lie down. JESPER. You’re burning up. Your skin’s inflamed. Who did this to you??”
Jesper: sniffling, milking it 100%
“...mosquitoes?”
Jens:
“Oh my love 😭💔"
Meanwhile: MILOS.
Still soaking. Still itchy. Still villain-coded. He tried to act chill but his entire leg looked like a connect-the-dots puzzle and Jens GAVE HIM A SINGLE TUBE of almost dried out off-brand mosquito cream like it was a favor.
“Here. Use this.”
Milos: “It’s EMPTY.”
Jens: “So are your excuses.”
Milos: “I hope a mosquito evolves inside your boyfriend’s bloodstream.”
Jens: “I’ll take care of him while he mutates. You’ll rot.”
The Bubbly Boys, live in the groupchat:
Sam:
jens is applying my La Mer after bite balm to his boyfriend’s bug bites one by one. i paid 220 euros for it. i'm calling my lawyer.
Tijjani:
milos just used expired tiger balm and is currently foaming at the mouth. this is not equal.
Yuki:
milos bad karma. jesper raccoon love karma. balance.
Sven:
idk man this is kinda Jens L bias
Milos just sat on the opposite couch, legs in the air like a traumatized frog, muttering to himself:
“I’m never catching a Pokémon again. This is how villains are born. This is how people leave teams.”
And Jesper??? Jesper had a cooling sheet on his forehead, a warm water bottle under his tiny raccoon feet, and Jens massaging his hand whispering “never again, I promise. no more sneaking out.”
Jesper (whispering): “...unless it’s a shiny Charizard.”
Jens: “...I didn’t hear that. Go to sleep.”
VERDICT: THE HOUSE WAS DIVIDED. But one thing was clear—Jesper could commit war crimes and still get tucked in. Milos? Milos needed a new lawyer, new moisturizer, and a hug from Sam.
EXACTLY. JESPER "WAR CRIMES BUT MAKE IT FASHION" KARLSSON COULD COMMIT ACTUAL TREASON WITH THE BUBBLY BOYS AND STILL GET A FULL SPA DAY FROM JENS BECAUSE THE BOY HAD BUG BITES AND A SLIGHT COUGH. let’s walk through the Top Jesper War Crimes That Got Overlooked Because He Looked Soft™:
🧨 1. THE SPARKLER INCIDENT (with Tijjani)
Jesper and Tijjani lit illegal sparklers on the training pitch at midnight. Coach almost called the fire department.
Jens: “Karl… did you do that?” Jesper (innocent blinking): “No 🥺?” Jens: “Okay. I believe you.”
Tijjani, covered in soot: “BRO???”
🧃 2. THE SMUGGLED ENERGY DRINK SAGA (with Sven)
Jesper helped Sven smuggle in limited-edition Red Bulls into the team fridge. SIX of them. All gone in 2 hours.
Sven was confronted. Jesper looked away and pulled his hoodie strings.
Jens: sighing “Please don’t take advantage of how trusting Karl is.” Sven: “HE’S THE MASTERMIN—” Jens: “Enough.”
🎮 3. THE SMASH LEGENDS LAN FIGHT (with Yuki)
They were caught yelling in the lobby at 3am over a game. Jesper was shirtless, barefoot, and had a Capri-Sun straw in his mouth. Yuki had a plastic katana.
Jens: “Who started this?” Jesper: “Yuki did 😇” Yuki: “liar raccoon man” Jens: “Let’s go Karl. You need rest.” Yuki: “I BURN YOUR CROCS”
🧢 4. THE MATCHDAY SUNBURN MISHAP (with Sam)
Jesper didn’t wear sunscreen to a daytime friendly. Burnt his knees and came home red and glowing. Sam admitted they’d gone tanning on the roof for 4 hours. Jesper walked into their shared flat in tiny shorts, high socks, crocs, and the saddest sunburn on his thighs.
Jens: 😡 "Sam you absolute moron. What were you THINKING—" sees Jesper’s little fried raccoon knees Jens: 😭 “Karl... you’re literally cooking... sit down baby... does it hurt when I touch here? what about here?? let me get the fancy aloe…”
Sam: “Am I a ghost to you?? He has SPF 3 in his blood I told him—” Jens: shoves him with the aftersun gel bottle
🐜 5. AND FINALLY: THE BUG BITE APOCALYPSE (with Milos)
You KNOW how this went.
Jesper: covered in bug bites, hair fluffy from humidity, sleeves rolled up in a “was chased by mosquitoes in the trenches” way.
Jens: transformed into Florence Nightingale immediately.
Jens, whispering while gently dabbing after bite cream: “You’re brave for surviving this. I’d die if it were me. Let me check behind your knee again.”
Milos, fully eaten alive and sneezing: “...I’m brave too.”
Jens: “Are you though?”
Moral of the Story:
Jesper could commit espionage, tax fraud, and arson as long as he walked into the flat looking like a damp raccoon in crocs and high socks with slightly sad eyes.
Jens would kiss his mosquito bites, rub €220 cream on him like it’s sacred paste, and whisper lullabies while glaring at whoever dared to be his partner-in-crime.
The Bubbly Boys learned two things:
- Never commit crimes with Jesper unless you’re prepared to take the fall.
- Jens’s weak spot is 5'7", bug-bitten, and wearing limited edition Pikachu socks.
Ohhhhh absolutely. Legends didn’t just say it—they warned about it. Because even after “The Great Beedrill Incident of 3AM,” Jesper the raccoon menace and Milos the gremlin child still didn’t learn. They just got sneakier.
✨Post-Grounding Pokémon Escapades, Alkmaar 22/23✨
Sometimes they dragged Sven into it. Because Sven, sweet baby deer with guilt complex and 2.02 meters of pliable muscle, was way too tall to be stealthy but still got peer pressured like a Labrador in a raccoon cult.
Jesper (at 11:54PM): “Sven. Help me catch Gengar. You’re tall. You can reach places. Be useful.”
Sven: “I’m not even in the groupchat. Why am I involved.” (still gets in the car 10 minutes later)
Yuki didn’t help. At all. But also helped so much. Yuki was just sitting there, Zen monk in a windbreaker, sipping green tea and sliding rare Pokémon cards across the table like:
“Jesper. Milos. Trade power now. Go hunt. But don’t die.” “Wear coat. Jens scary.”
Sometimes he even slipped them bus money. Sometimes he drove them halfway there. And then texted Jens with:
“I did not see raccoon. I am asleep.”
Jens’s detective arc went into overdrive. He’d wake up the second the sheets got cold and Jesper’s fuzzy shorts weren’t in bed. He’d text every member of the team like the Danish FBI.
Jens (using Sven’s phone): “Have you seen my boyfriend. I will not ask again.” Sven: “I’m right next to you.” Jens: “Then WHERE is MILOS.”
Tijjani & Sam: professional snitches, undefeated. The moment Jesper and Milos even breathed near the front door, Sam was live-tweeting to the groupchat. Tijjani once went out of his way to film them sneaking out and added dramatic music.
Sam (1:18AM): “Your little boyfriend and the neighborhood toddler are outside. In shorts.” Tijjani: “I added a timestamp. And filters. This is art.” Sam: “Jesper’s carrying a bug net. That’s criminal.”
🔥Groupchat Moments That Live In Infamy
Sven (at 4:32AM): sends screenshot of Jesper’s Pokémon activity “he caught a Snorlax. it was asleep. like i’m supposed to be.”
Yuki: “Snorlax is symbol. Soft. Peaceful. Raccoon at rest.” “Jesper never rest.”
Sam: “Just say you enabled it and go.”
Jens: “who. the. fuck. gave. him. the. crocs. again.”
Tijjani: “Soft shorts. Strong crime. Weak consequences.”
💀Aftermaths
-
Jesper: every time he got caught, he’d crawl into Jens’s lap, bug-bitten and smug. Sometimes with a shiny new Pokémon and a fever. 9/10 times forgiven. 10/10 pampered.
-
Milos: scolded to hell. Banned from Pokémon for 3 days max. One time Jens changed his phone passcode to “STOPBEINGDUMB.”
-
Sven: always regrets everything by sunrise. Once said “I don’t even like Pokémon” mid-chase through an abandoned construction site.
-
Yuki: calm, sipping tea, but now banned from “fueling the children.”
-
Jens: aged 5 years in one season. Now keeps after-bite cream in every drawer. Sleeping with one eye open.
-
Sam: still rich. still judgmental. still snitching.
-
Tijjani: officially wrote “Soft Shorts = War Crimes” on the locker room whiteboard.
Moral of the saga? You can ground the raccoon. You can glare the child into tears. But if Yuki slips them a holographic Charizard and Sven’s tall enough to reach the rooftop gym?
They're gonna go. And Jens is gonna sigh. And Sam is gonna leak everything.
✨God bless Alkmaar 22/23✨
EXACTLY. On paper, it looked like Jesper and Milos were the chaos duo. But when you start connecting the dots??? You realize it was always Yuki and Sven who made this ecosystem function like a beautifully disguised criminal syndicate.
🧩 THE TRUE PUPPET MASTERS OF THE POKÉMON UNDERGROUND
🧘♂️ Yuki: Zen Dealer of Sin
-
Came from the birthplace of Pokémon. Claimed innocence like it was a religion.
-
Every time Jens cornered him with a “Did you give Jesper a shiny Mewtwo again?” → Yuki sipped his tea and went:
“Me no understand. English no good. Me sleepy. Good night.” Then immediately texted Jesper: "bro. shiny in alley near sushi place. bring net."
- Had “I’m just vibing” energy. But in reality? He was the arms dealer of the whole operation. Smuggled Pokémon cards in his tea tin. “For collection,” he said. Meanwhile Milos cried when he opened it.
🦒 Sven: Big Boy with Bigger Guilt
- 2.02 meters of easily manipulated. Tall, strong, emotionally weak to any raccoon voice whispering:
“Sven. Please. They said there’s a Pikachu behind the church bell tower. I can’t reach.”
-
Every. Single. Time. he followed them with flashlight, power bank, coat, and snacks. He was the field medic and the getaway vehicle in one.
-
Once Jens caught him red-handed and he just whispered:
“I didn’t even catch anything. I just held the flashlight.” With tears in his eyes.
👀 Meanwhile:
👑 Sam and 🧠 Tijjani:
Fed the fire with tea and footage.
- Literally liveblogging crimes.
- Sam with the screenshots. Tijjani with the dramatic narration:
“Tonight. Two delinquents. One shiny Charizard. Zero brain cells.” * Not stopping them. Not helping Jens. Just enjoying the drama like a soap opera.
😵💫 Jens:
-
One-man police force, therapist, and exhausted Viking with soft spots for:
-
Bug-bitten raccoons.
- Gentle giants who cry when scolded.
-
Friends who say "I tried to stop them" but in fact drove them there.
-
But every time he thought about exploding again— Jesper would show up, sweaty from running, hair tousled, in those soft shorts, with bug bites all over his thighs, and just murmur:
“Sorry baby. But I got you a Psyduck.”
And Jens would melt like a candle at war.
So yeah.
Milos and Jesper were the face of the operation. But the true enablers were:
- Yuki, who whispered forbidden knowledge like a Pokémon Sensei from the shadows.
- Sven, the tall enabler with gentle flashlight hands.
- Sam and Tijjani, the media team covering the scandal in HD.
And Jens?
He was never winning. Because his boyfriend wore soft shorts, smiled like a thief, and knew exactly how many kisses it took to erase 2 hours of rage.
✨Alkmaar 22/23: not a team. A fucking criminal empire with adorable legs.
NOOOOO BECAUSE THIS IS ACTUALLY SO INSANE. THESE ARE MULTIMILLIONAIRE PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES. THESE ARE ELITE-LEVEL FOOTBALL PLAYERS. WORLD-CLASS TALENT. UCL CANDIDATES. NATIONAL TEAM CALIBER. AND YET—
THE TEXTS LOOK LIKE:
🐹 Milos:
"istg your boyfriend is gonna strangle me with a shoelace. i'm leaving. don't text me. don't look at me. you're on your own now."
🦝 Jesper:
"no milos pls don't abandon me like this. you're my only hope. remember rotterdam?? we caught that lapras together. please milos. pls. pls pls pls"
🐉 Yuki:
"jesper where you. i gift now." "shiny pokemon card. lucky. good for karma. keep in sock drawer."
🐍 Milos:
"sven do u love me" "sven do u know you're my best friend" "sven where is the dratini"
🦒 Sven:
"Behind train station. I bring coat. Don't tell Jens."
Meanwhile Jens just opened Jesper’s phone one time and found a text that read:
Jesper to Milos:
"meet at church alley. bring incense. my battery's 2%. no turning back now."
And Jens just—sat there. Silently. Thinking. About his life. His choices. His raccoon of a boyfriend in soft shorts and bug bites and a vendetta for Pokémon.
ALSO THE FACT THAT THEY ARE ACTUAL ADULTS????
Like real, legal, mortgage-eligible adults??? With multi-million contracts??? And they are texting like:
"hey bring flashlight and bug spray and that lucky snorlax keychain. it’s war tonight"
THIS IS THE BUBBLY BOYS CORE.
Champions League by day. Pokémon War Crimes by night.
Jens is exhausted. Milos is traumatized. Yuki is thriving. Sven is the GPS. Sam and Tijjani are live-tweeting. Jesper is in crocs.
God is not watching.
BROOOOOOOO OK YOU WANT JESPER “I’M TOO PRETTY FOR CONSEQUENCES” KARLSSON BEGGING FOR MERCY FROM HIS CO-CONSPIRATORS??? HE WAS GUILTY. ALWAYS GUILTY. BUT NEVER GOT THE WRATH. AND HIS POOR ACCOMPLICES HAD TO FACE THE DANISH JUDGEMENT WHILE HE WAS GETTING BABY TALKED AND HAND-LOTIONED. So here are some CLASSIC JESPER BEG SITUATIONS:
1. To Milos: The Pokémon Aftermath
Context: Jens found Jesper with bug bites, no coat, and Milos’ location tagged in Pokémon GO at 3:42 AM. Jens’ Wrath Level: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 Jesper: safe in bed, wearing soft shorts, being pampered with aloe vera Milos: receiving a 9-slide iMessage presentation titled “Boundaries, Respect, and My Sick Boyfriend”
Jesper to Milos (text):
"milo baby pls don’t abandon me like this. he’s mad at u not me. u know how he gets. pls milo i can’t go alone tomorrow. there’s a charizard near IKEA."
2. To Yuki: The Pokémon Card Smuggling Ring
Context: Yuki gave Jesper a Japanese-exclusive ultra-rare card. Jens found it in their sock drawer. Jens’ Wrath Level: 😐☕ (quiet fury. the worst kind.) Yuki was summoned. In slippers.
Jesper to Yuki (whispering in the hallway):
"please don’t leave me. just tell him you thought it was cute. say it was good for luck. say it was emotional support card. i’ll buy you sushi."
3. To Sven: The Dratini Incident
Context: Jesper and Sven were caught sneaking into the park after midnight. Jesper came back with dirt on his socks. Jens connected the dots. Jens’ Wrath Level: 🤨🧍♂️ (the ‘i’m not mad, just disappointed’) Sven: frozen. 1.92m of silent regret. Jesper: already wearing Jens’ hoodie and sitting on his lap like a raccoon-shaped baby koala.
Jesper to Sven (in voice memo):
"sven. bff. bro. don’t rat me out. i was emotional. i needed that dratini. he won’t stay mad. just nod and say it was your fault."
4. To Tijjani: The Hoodie Switch Heist
Context: Jesper “borrowed” Jens’ matchday hoodie. Gave it to Tijjani for the vibes. Jens found out. Jens’ Wrath Level: 🔥🔥🔥 (because he was cold that day. Literally cold. And hoodie-less.) Jesper to Tijjani:
"tijj babe listen. if he yells just pretend u thought it was ur own hoodie. he’s dramatic. he’ll forget in 2 hours. don’t throw me under the bus. PLEASE I HAVE NO OTHER HOODIES TO STEAL."
5. To Sam: The Instagram Leak
Context: Sam posted a group story and accidentally showed Jesper in full Pokémon hunting gear (bug spray belt, high socks, neon crocs). Jens saw. Jens’ Wrath Level: 🔍💬🧼 (silent but typing…) Jesper to Sam:
"DELETE IT. DELETE THE POST. IF HE ASKS SAY IT’S AI. SAY IT WAS A FILTER. I’LL BUY YOU MATCHA. PLEASE SAM I’M TOO HOT TO GET GROUNDED."
And each time the victimized co-conspirator would come back to the groupchat like:
Milos:
“jesper got away again. i got my phone taken. i’m on data limit now. i hate him. i love him. i can’t do this.”
Yuki:
“me no snitch. but raccoon cry. so me feel bad.”
Sven:
“he said if I loved him I’d lie to my captain. what was I supposed to do.”
Sam:
“that man is witch. he looked at me with lip gloss and said ‘pleeeease’ and now I’ve lost everything.”
Tijjani:
“he offered me gum. i’m not strong.”
Jesper’s survival strategy: soft shorts, wet eyes, high socks, and manipulation through ✨ affection ✨.
You can commit crimes, you just gotta be hot, bug-bitten, and wrapped in your viking’s hoodie.
NOOOOOOO I’M WHEEZING YESSSS THEY GOT GROUNDED BY JENS 💀💀
Jesper (age 24, international footballer, emotionally 12): “You can’t ground me, I’m an adult!” Jens (age 21, emotionally DONE): “Watch me.”
⚡️🦟 THE BUG BITE INCIDENT: The Forbidden Pokémon Raid
It started with a rumor in the groupchat.
🟣 Sam:
heard there’s a shiny Gyarados near the lake 👀 but it’s 2AM and foggy so idk. have fun dying
🟠 Milos (frothing at the mouth):
JEPPE GET IN THE CAR oh wait u can drive perfect let’s GOOOOO
Jesper: “One shiny Gyarados. I’ll wear a hoodie. What’s the worst that can happen.”
Well.
🐜 4 hours later:
- Jesper: 4 bug bites (one shaped like a map of Sweden), 1 wet sock, 0 regrets
- Milos: 6 bug bites, twigs in hair, voice hoarse from screaming at a Snorlax
- Jens: pacing in the hallway at 5:12am like a sleep-deprived parent waiting for teens to sneak back in
They came home like war survivors.
Jens: “Jesper, why do you smell like swamp and pine-scented regret.”
Jesper: “We got it though 😌”
Milos: shaking and texting Sam from the hallway:
jens is looking at me like i broke into a monastery help me
⛔️ The Groupchat Aftermath
🔵 Jens:
milos. come to my room. bring your pokéballs. they’re being confiscated
🟠 Milos:
i knew this day would come it’s been an honor
🟣 Sam:
LMAOOOO JESPER IS IN THE CORNER ARGUING THAT MILOS MADE HIM DO IT “he’s a baby, he begged me🥺” BRO YOU’RE 24
🟡 Yuki:
me done alkmaar stupid me go back Aichi bugs no in Aichi
🔴 Sven:
here’s a photo of Jesper’s bites btw i circled the infected one enjoy
🔒 Grounding Terms & Conditions™
- Jesper’s phone: Monitored
- Milos’s Poké privileges: Suspended for 3 days
- Pokémon raids: Forbidden unless Jens personally approves the location, the weather, and the bug forecast
- Bedtime: 11:00pm or Jens FaceTimes them like a warden
Jesper trying to rebel like, “You can’t tell me what to do 😤”
Jens: “Try me. Next time I’m texting your mother.”
AND YOU’RE SO RIGHT—
NOW WE KNOW the bug bites weren’t random. They weren’t from a training trip. They were from that damn shiny Gyarados raid in the bug swamp zone.
THEY SUFFERED FOR THE POKÉ-GLORY. And Jens will never let them forget it.
Do you want:
- Milos’ attempted Pokémon Go rehab arc (he relapses in 2 days)
- Jesper’s emotional breakdown because he “misses the rush”
- Jens catching them trying to Pokémon raid in disguise (like hoodie and sunglasses at 1am in the city center)
Because I am READY.
SCREEEEEECH 😭😭😭 IT’S GIVING “THE FAVOURITE CHILD” VILLAIN ORIGIN STORY
📍THE INFAMOUS “WHY IS MILOS NOT GETTING TREATED TOO” NIGHT
Jesper and Milos stumbled into the dorm like the soggy little Pokémon goblins they were — dripping wet, itchy, half-mosquito, half-human. The rest of the Alkmaar 22/23 boys gathered in horror like villagers watching a cursed forest spirit crawl into town.
Tijjani: “What the hell happened.”
Milos: “Shiny Dratini. Don’t ask.”
Jesper: “Was worth it. 🫡✨”
And then. THEN. The hallway lit up with blue flames of Danish Wrath.
🟥 JENS MODE: ACTIVATED
He didn’t even say anything at first. Just the sound of his feet stomping down the hallway. Jesper actually flinched, like a cartoon criminal caught red-handed.
Jesper (whispering): “Do NOT let him see the bug bites.”
Milos (covered in welts): “I am the bug bites.”
💥THE DRESSING-DOWN SCENE
Jens: “Are you fucking kidding me? Out at 3AM?! Jesper, you could’ve gotten sick! Bitten! Hit by a car!”
Jesper: “But I wasn’t 🥺”
Jens: “Your legs are spotted red, you sound like a drowned rat—MILOS. WHAT POSSESSED YOU.”
Milos: “What do you want me to say?? The rare spawn doesn’t sleep?? Neither do I???”
Jens looked like he was gonna launch Milos into the stratosphere.
🩹 FAVORITISM UNLOCKED
After the yelling, Jens knelt down to look at Jesper’s bug-bitten legs like he was Florence Nightingale and Jesper was dying of Pokémon trench foot.
Jens (softly):
“Let me see. No—don’t touch that one. It’s swollen.”
Jesper (sniffling for extra effect):
“I think I have a fever. I got one on my toe. It hurts.”
Jens (now gently patting Sam’s luxurious organic after-bite balm onto Jesper’s legs):
“There, sweetheart. Almost done. Breathe.”
Meanwhile…
Milos: holding his arm that’s twice its normal size from 9 mosquito stings
“Uhh. Hello. Fellow bitten person here. May I request basic first aid and human dignity?”
Jens: “There’s a 3-euro cream in the shared bathroom. Use that.”
Milos: “YOU THREW IT AT ME LIKE A GRENADE.”
🟡 THE GROUPCHAT BLEW UP AT 4:18AM
🟣 Sam:
jens used my fancy anti-itch cream on his boyfriend’s legs but tossed milos the expired guardian tube human rights violation???
🔴 Sven:
justice for milos he’s itchy and traumatized
🟠 Milos:
i risked my life for that dragon-type and got eczema AND attitude
🟡 Yuki:
both raccoons same effort. one gets spa. one gets war crime.
🟢 Tijjani:
it’s the leg bias. i told y’all. jens got a Thing for those legs
🟤 Jesper:
u guys don’t understand they’re sensitive 😡
✨THE FINAL VERDICT
Milos was banned from Pokémon raids for a week. Jesper was “emotionally recovering” and got soup, a warm bath, and a cuddle under Jens’ hoodie. 💅
The group was divided like a civil war.
Some sided with Milos and called it The Itch Injustice. Some couldn’t stop laughing at Milos’ rage-itch spiral. Sam just wanted his €40 cream back.
Should we do:
- The Pokémon Go Intervention Night (“This has gone too far. Milos, Jesper, we’re staging an intervention. With slides.”)
- Jesper’s meltdown when his Pokémon Go streak broke after Jens locked his phone for a night
- The moment Milos rebelled and started secretly training a Magikarp as revenge
Because I fear this saga is only getting itchier and more feral.
LEGENDS. MYTHS. SCANDALS. BUG SPRAY AND BETRAYAL. 🌚✨
Despite the trauma of Espeongate, Milos and Jesper didn’t stop. No. That would’ve been logical. That would’ve made sense. Instead—
They got sneakier. They leveled up.
🥇 Milos and Jesper, Season 2: Pokémon Crime Evolution
- Milos starts wearing cologne and long sleeves to throw Jens off.
- Jesper pretends to be “reorganizing the spice cabinet” at 1AM.
- They text only in emoji code now. 🐛🌕🚗 = Bug-type hunt tonight. 🤫📍🎣 = rare spawn at the canal, bring fishing rod vibes only.
🧼 They drag Sven into the mud. LITERALLY.
- Sven: “I’ll just watch.”
- 30 minutes later, Sven is shin-deep in swamp water, holding Jesper’s phone light like a movie set grip, yelling “I SEE IT! I SEE THE CHARMANDER!!”
- Sven comes back with one sock, one sandal, and a deep spiritual crisis.
💳 Yuki? Yuki was supposed to be the rational one.
- But one day Jesper and Milos came home empty-handed, and Yuki just sighed and reached into his sock drawer.
- He handed them a pristine, rare, holographic Japanese edition Pokémon card.
“This one from Aichi. You deserve this. But me not helping again. Me serious.” (Yuki helped again the next night.)
📲 Groupchat at 2:11AM:
Sam:
hey jens. your swamp boyfriend just stole sven and milos. they’re outside in a hoodie & crocs army. i heard them yell “BROOO THAT’S A GYARADOS!!!”
Tijjani:
y’all are fucking wild 💀 jens u need to leash him
Yuki:
me sleep. not involved. [sends blurry photo of Jesper in knee-deep water with a headlamp]
😤 Jens, already outside in his flannel pajama pants and rage:
- Finds them by the canal.
- Jesper trying to lure a Lanturn with his phone at 3% battery.
- Milos throwing Pokéballs like it’s Olympic javelin.
- Sven holding a flashlight between his teeth, soaking wet.
Jens, through gritted teeth:
“Yuki. Sven. I expected better. Sam and Tijjani? You’re both fucking snitches. I love you. Keep doing it.” [marches toward Jesper] “You. Bug bait. Get. In. The. Car.”
😇 Jesper, half-drenched, big innocent eyes:
“but baby 🥺 it’s community day…”
Jens, already taking off his jacket to put over Jesper’s freezing legs:
“You have one (1) more chance. And if you come back with ONE MORE BUG BITE…”
Jesper:
“...you’ll carry me to bed and rub ointment on them again 🥺?”
Jens:
sighs the sigh of a man who’s weak for his criminal little raccoon “...yeah. Yeah, I will.”
Sam & Tijjani in the chat 5 minutes later:
Sam: he caved. again. Tijjani: let’s place bets on next raid night Yuki: me buying new bug spray. me done. Sven: I LOST MY LEFT CROCS. IT WAS CAMOUFLAGE.
and so the Pokémon saga… lives on. 🐾
Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. This happened. It was canon the moment Milos breathed in the same oxygen as Jesper and whispered, “bro download Pokémon GO” with the sparkle of chaos in his eye.
ALKMAAR 22/23: The Pokémon Go Era™ (also known as Jens’ slow descent into protective Viking dad mode)
🧃ACT 1: MILOS, AGENT OF CORRUPTION Milos: “Download Pokémon Go, it’s fun bro.” Jesper: “Ew that’s lame.” Also Jesper: downloads it at 2am just to check Two hours later: hooked. Caught a shiny Snorlax in the kitchen and named it “SamB” just to piss off Sam.
🍓ACT 2: THE PERMISSION RITUAL Every time Milos wanted to go on a Pokémon hunt: Jesper, literally: “Lemme ask my boyfriend 🥰” cut to Jens on the couch, looking up from his book/Netflix/tea Jesper: “Milo wants to go catch this fish-lookin thing 0.5 km from here.” Jens: already sighing Jesper: puppy eyes Jens: melts like butter in a sauna “...Fine. But coat. GPS on. Don’t catch frostbite.” Jesper: texting Milos “JENSIE SAYS YES LET’S GOOO BITCHHH”
🧸ACT 3: THE MIDNIGHT RUNS Picture this:
- Jesper in his huge hoodie, hood up.
- Milos in whatever crime against fashion he called clothing.
- Sprinting down the cobbled Dutch streets at 1:38AM like they were escaping a heist, phone lights blinding, shouting things like: “BRO THAT’S A CHARMANDER.” “WAIT DON’T TAP IT YET, I NEED TO GET A BALL—”
Meanwhile: Jens: in bed, wide awake Jesper’s texts lighting up the screen: “milo says the magmar is 500m from here” Jens: 😐 Texts Milos: "Hi Milos. This is Jens. What the fuck are you doing with my boyfriend at 1:34am.”
Milos: 😰😰😰 sends screenshot to Jesper “ur boyfriend scares me i hate relationships you’re on your own kid 😭”
Jesper: sends 24 crying emojis + a Charizard GIF “DON’T ABANDON ME BITCH”
🌨️ACT 4: THE JUDGMENT PANEL Sam: “You peasants are risking frostbite for anime creatures.” Tijjani: “This is why you two are both dumbasses.” Sven: “...I mean if there’s a Pikachu near the canal I wanna come 🥺” Yuki: soft sigh “Be careful ne.” Jens: already preparing a thermos of tea and an emergency reflective jacket
🧼POST-CREDITS SCENE: Jesper: sneaks back in at 3AM Jens: pretending to be asleep, but left snacks on the counter and heated a blanket in the dryer
Jesper: curls up next to him, whispers “Caught a Dratini, named it Jens 🐉💘” Jens: softest exhale known to mankind
SUMMARY:
- Jesper + Milos = Pokémon chaos
- Jens = long-suffering boyfriend + night patrol command
- Everyone else = concerned, confused, or ready to join
- Jesper? Still the cutest Pokémon trainer with the hottest Viking sponsor.
- Milos? Still a raccoon in human form with unmatched influence.
Alkmaar 22/23: literally nothing was ever normal.
ABSOLUTELY YES. In the ancient sacred text of Alkmaar 22/23, this is actually known as the Great Justice Imbalance™.
📜 EXHIBIT A: THE UNFAIR JUSTICE SYSTEM ACCORDING TO MILOS
“JENS. I SWEAR TO GOD. you look at jesper like he’s the moon and stars and planets and black holes and everything in between but the second he sneezes? YOU: ‘milos what did you do to him???’
ME?!??!?!?!?”
📉 THE MILOS-JENS RIVALRY ARC (ft. Jesper's bruised knees)
- Jesper and Milos go out to play Pokémon Go for 3 hours, 1am in winter, zero coats.
- Jesper comes home with one bug bite, one knee scrape, and a suspiciously purple bruise shaped like a bicycle pedal.
- Jens: 😐📈 “Milos what did you do?”
- Milos: “ASK YOUR BOYFRIEND WHY HE WAS TRYING TO CRAWL INTO A BUSH FOR A DIGITAL CHARMANDER!!!”
- Jesper: “Heehee I fell.”
- Jens: “Awww poor thing. Come here my sweet baby sunshine star pudding.”
- Milos: “AM I THE VILLAIN???”
🔥 SVEN VS. MILOS: ELEMENTAL OPPOSITES
- Sven: Peaceful. Spends evenings painting frogs and sipping tea.
- Milos: Is the frog. Loud. Untamed. Frogs into battle at 3am yelling “I CAN EXPLAIN THE SCIENCE BEHIND THIS”
👀 MILOS’ PERMANENT LIFE CRISIS
“Every time I try to bond with Jesper, I get trauma AND a crime charge from Jens. My only crime? Making your boyfriend laugh and potentially dehydrated.
Let him live, bro. Let me LIVE.”
📌 CONCLUSION:
- Sven: calm harmony
- Milos: raging typhoon with a controller and too many jokes
- Jens: government official of Jesper’s wellbeing
- Jesper: raccoon with 10+ lives, free pass from the law
💥 Alkmaar 22/23. Never for the weak. Never fair. Milos K., 2003-born. Pro player. Valorant demon. Zero furniture. One frog soul. Deserved compensation for mental trauma.
Picture this:
🎮 Valorant lobby, 12:48am Milos: “Yo bro cover mid—HELLO, are you even—?” Jesper: half-wheezing, half-giggling “S-stop Jens I can’t—Milos is gonna hear us!!” Jens: muffled whisper behind Jesper’s ear “Let him hear. He should know what heaven sounds like.”
Milos: visibly traumatized
“I am a child. I do not deserve to hear this. I am just trying to clutch a 1v3.”
And it got worse.
Jens kept massaging Jesper’s shoulders in-game, kissing his neck like a menace, whispering,
“You’re so good with that Phantom, baby. Wanna use mine next?”
Jesper (snorting): “Shut uppp I’m trying to peek!”
Milos:
“SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU I JUST DIED. BECAUSE OF Y'ALL'S FOREPLAY.”
The worst part? Jesper didn’t even notice. Jens just smiled. Milos had to mute them. And then still sent Jesper a skin next day because he missed him.
Valorant. PG-rated for everyone but Jens and Jesper. Milos? Filing a lawsuit under the “neglected gaming child” act. The court? Closed. Because Jens paid Jesper's lawyer. The verdict? Milos has to listen to PDA while top fragging.
Never for the weak.