alkmaarsurvivor22

milos kerkez: milokeke69 (i)

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OH. LET’S. TALK. ABOUT. MILOS. K. The 2003™ chaos gremlin. The myth. The menace. The child of capitalism and poor life choices.

💥 MILOS K. IN ALL HIS TERRIFYING GLORY 💥

🏠 Living situation: Made pro salary. Lived like he robbed IKEA and left the furniture but took the cardboard boxes.

  • “I don’t need a couch. I have a yoga mat and emotional detachment.”
  • Bought 4 monitors, 2 gaming chairs, LED strips, and a katana. Slept on a mattress with no frame like it was a lifestyle brand.
  • Fridge only had Red Bull, protein bars, and 3 slices of questionable pizza.
  • TV mounted on the wall, but no chairs. You sit criss-cross applesauce like it’s daycare or you leave.

🧠 Academic performance: The kind of boy who, when asked “Solve for x,” replied:

“X = vibes.”

  • Once turned in a math quiz where 3 of the 5 answers were "17", and when asked why, he said:

“Felt like a strong number.”

  • Jesper once read his homework and said:

“I think you invented a new number system. It’s not right, but it’s bold.”

📚 Studying nights:

  • Sam: “It’s quiet study night. Please don’t come.”
  • Milos: walks in uninvited with snacks and a wireless speaker

“Let’s grind. I brought popcorn and I’m emotionally unstable.”

  • Would do absolutely none of the work but say things like “morally I supported you all.”
  • Sat next to Yuki just to copy the answer but still wrote “N/A” because he got bored halfway.

🎮 Gaming nights:

  • Shows up first. Loudest headset. Yells “LET’S GOOO” every 2 minutes.
  • Screamed “clutch or kick” unironically in every round. Was kicked.
  • Once ragequit and rejoined in the same second.
  • Called Sven a “fragless garden gnome” once. Sven didn’t even know what it meant but felt deeply hurt.

💔 Social moments that made us want to cry:

  • Life of the party until he realized he was the youngest and always the one third-wheeling EVERYONE.
  • Sam & Tijjani = platonic marriage.
  • Yuki & Sven = quiet lovebirds.
  • Jens & Jesper = PDA factory.
  • Milos = “I’m calling a cab. I have League of Legends waiting for me at home.”

The party would still echo with laughter from jokes he made. But he left alone every time. “It’s fine. I like the silence. It’s when I feel most mysterious.” (He cried in the Uber.)

🧃Other certified Milos-isms:

  • “Why would I do laundry when I can just buy more socks?”
  • Owns 14 hoodies, all oversized, none washed.
  • Asked “what does monogamy mean again?” and Sven had to sit him down for a talk.
  • Has beef with Yuki’s silence:

“I KNOW you judged me silently. That’s worse than yelling.”

  • Once fell asleep in the team sauna. Naked. Jesper screamed.

🕯️ In conclusion: Milos K. was chaos incarnate, our beloved 2003 disaster, and the backbone of the group’s funniest nights and weirdest memories. He was never invited but always included. Never listened but always remembered. We feared him. We loved him. He was the group’s nuclear little brother, forever causing havoc in a sweatshirt three sizes too big.

Long live Milos. 🫡

YESSSSSS. IT WAS THE FINANCIAL INTERVENTION OF THE CENTURY. A meeting called by the Bubbly Boys core. Not for football. Not for emotional damage (this time). But for Milos’ mysterious broke-but-not lifestyle.

Location:

Milos’ apartment (a.k.a. LED Cave with unnecessarily expensive gaming setup and exactly 1 spoon).

Date:

5 days after payday. Milos had already used “i’m so broke” 8 times that week.

Groupchat Title: “MILOS BUDGET EMERGENCY (not a joke)”

Tijjani (starter):

“ok. we need to talk. where is ur money bro.”

Sam:

“no really. we love u. but why do u scream broke and then show up to every plan with 0 hesitation???”

Yuki:

“me confused. u say poor. but u wear Balenciaga?”

Sven:

“last week u said u couldn’t afford socks. then bought that anime sword display for 150€.”

Jesper:

“milos we’re asking this with love. are u ok. do u need a piggy bank.”

Jens:

“we’ll make u a budget spreadsheet if u want. i’ll color code it. jesper will decorate it.”

Milos (DEFENSIVE AS HELL):

“I AM FINE. I’M A VICTIM OF LIFESTYLE INFLATION.” “i got paid and my family called immediately asking where is money. i sent them 400€.” “then i saw a new controller on sale.” “and a new anime came out. i needed snacks.” “and everyone keeps planning expensive shit!!” “i have no choice but to attend. for friendship.”

Sam (not buying it):

“so the snacks were necessary. got it.”

Tijjani:

“snacks, anime keychains, mystery box figurines. i saw it. u bought 3.”

Milos:

“i was sad that day. emotional purchase.”

Jesper:

“be honest. how much u spend on emotional purchases monthly.”

Milos:

“define monthly.”

Jens (bulking spreadsheet in the background):

“i’m making a tracker. it includes:

  1. Anime
  2. Snacks
  3. Games
  4. LED upgrades
  5. Emotional Purchases
  6. Random crypto gambling”

Milos:

“that’s invasion of privacy.”

Sven (soft voice of reason):

“we just want u to have money left for like. groceries. or future. or socks.”

Yuki:

“me teach u saving. me samurai soul. me no snack. me rice. me invest.”

Milos (betrayed):

“even yuki??? how dare u turn on me.”

Sam (final blow):

“we’re putting you on a shared meal rotation plan. everyone pays once. u last. so we give u time to financially recover.”

Milos:

“this is a crime. a witch hunt. i’m reporting all of u to the anime council.”

Next Morning: Milos (groupchat transfer screenshot):

Transfer Note: "For yesterday's lunch. Sponsored by debt and despair. Enjoy." IBAN: shared again for the 54th time. Amount: exact split. Paid in 5 minutes. As always.

He may scream. He may cry. But he’ll never let the group go unpaid. The budget is fake. The love is real.

EXACTLY. Milos K. (2003-born, gremlin-coded) lived in a modern myth: 💸 pro athlete salary 📤 immediately Venmoed to his Balkan parents when they sent:

“where money? why you no rich. your cousin has cow now.”

And yet, his apartment:

  • Mattress on the floor (no frame)
  • Leaky pipes (plural)
  • ONE chair (gaming, obviously)
  • A setup worth €10k: PS5, triple monitor battlestation, RGB so bright Sam said he got a sunburn
  • No cups. No forks. One single towel (questionably clean).

🧍‍♂️Sam: “I can’t sleep where the microwave makes metal sounds.”

🧘‍♂️Yuki: “I entered. Saw no table. Left.”

😇Sven: “I love Milos but I fear his bathroom.”

🦹‍♂️Tijjani: “Felt like I was in a bunker. With tech.”

Only two brave souls ever dared to return after staying once:

👑 Jesper “Tunnel Rat” K. and 🛡️ Jens “Hovercraft” O.

  • They once stayed because Jesper dropped boba on his mattress and his own place smelled like sugar rot
  • Milos, happy to host, brought out his VR headset instead of bedsheets
  • Jesper: “Bro I’m sleeping on Jens’ chest, it’s fine”
  • Jens: already laying out a hoodie to use as a pillow, like a good golden retriever

Second time they stayed? Because Jens’ apartment flooded and every other bubble boy had an excuse (real or fake). Milos greeted them shirtless with a Monster energy in hand and said:

“I got new RGB lights in the bathroom.” “The hot water doesn’t work but you can shower at the gym.”

Jesper: “Yeah whatever.”

Jens: (already spreading a blanket over the sofa made of bean bags)

“He’s fine. He’ll sleep in my lap again.”

Jesper: already curled up like a baby possum, whispering:

“Milos made popcorn in a pot. He’s trying.”

It was never ideal. But Jens and Jesper? Built different. Loyal. Reckless. Too gay to be scared. Even in Milos’ radioactive Xbox cave. 🫡

OH. YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MILOS DID DURING THE SACRED, CHAOTIC, SPIRITUALLY SCHOLASTIC WEDNESDAY NIGHTS OF ALKMAAR 22/23? You’ve unlocked the ultimate "Menace Among Scholars" timeline. Let’s go hour-by-hour:

📅 Every Wednesday – 7:58PM

Milos appears. With zero invitation.

Sam: “You're not even in this course.” Milos: “I don’t want to go home alone on Wednesday nights you evil adults 😔”

He throws himself on the beanbag chair. Immediately pulls out his Nintendo Switch, a banana milk, and a half-eaten donut from his hoodie pocket.

🕗 8:03PM – The Pretending Phase

He opens his laptop. Puts on glasses. Types furiously. Everyone assumes he’s working on something.

Spoiler: he’s DMing 12 people on Discord and Googling if Pokémon can feel pain.

🕣 8:30PM – The Whisper Phase

He leans toward Jesper. Whispers: “Match found?” Jesper: clenched jaw “No.” Milos: “Liar. Your eyes blinked too fast.”

Jesper: clutches pen tighter. Tijjani gives him a warning glare. Sam throws a sock at Milos. Yuki? Hands Milos a candy. Doesn’t look up. Possibly asleep. Possibly meditating.

🕘 9:00PM – Disruption Arc Begins

He starts spinning in the chair.

Then—pulls out a speaker.

Jesper: “NO—” Too late. Dramatic Valorant lobby music fills the room.

Sven: quietly plugs in his headphones and continues painting a sunset. Jens: airpods already in, rocking Jesper’s leg like a baby stroller. Tijjani: rage. Sam: visible. Jesper: one minor aneurysm.

🕤 9:20PM – Crimes

Milos tries to open a bag of spicy chips very quietly. Fails. VERY LOUD PLASTIC BAG CRACKLING Tijjani screams. Jesper swears in Danish. Yuki hums a lullaby. Sam texts Sven:

“kill the child.”

🕙 10:00PM – The Ultimate Betrayal

Jesper finally settles into focus. Jens is playing Candy Crush. Sven is sipping tea. Sam is taking notes. Tijjani is flipping flashcards at godspeed.

And then—

Milos launches a Pokémon GO raid notification in the groupchat. To only Jesper.

Jesper: jolts. Jesper: “brb gotta pee” Jens: “NO.” Tijjani: “BRO—” Sam: “I will end your bloodline.” Yuki: “me say no. but me love pikachu.”

🕥 10:30PM – Endgame

Jesper never leaves. But he's texting under the table.

Milos? Lying upside down on the beanbag with a blanket Yuki gave him. One AirPod in. Twitch stream on. Chips gone. Banana milk empty. Vibe? Chaotic gremlin.

And just as everyone packs up— Milos stands, bows like a theater kid, and says:

“Thanks for letting me crash. Same time next week. I’ll bring cookies. Maybe.”

He never does. He’s 19. He’s a menace. He is inevitable.

In conclusion:

Every week, Milos did not study. But he did make memories. And every adult in the room lowkey loved the little demon. Even when he was a pest.

Long live the Wednesday menace. 🧃👾💻

OH. BUCKLE UP. Because you’re about to witness the exact moment the Alkmaar 22/23 Wednesday Studying Session collapsed under the weight of pure bubbly chaos, Milos energy, and unchecked academic ADHD. This is the “Everything Happened All At Once” scene. Timestamped. Canonically stupid. Let’s go:

📍WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16TH, 2022 – 8:01PM

Location: Training Hub Mac Lab Attendees: Sam, Jesper, Tijjani, Yuki, Sven, Jens, Milos Vibe: Cold outside. Warm lights. Cozy chaos.

🕗 8:01PM – Arrival

Sam, Jesper, and Tijjani are already seated. All three have laptops open. Glasses on. Textbooks glowing with doom.

Jesper’s legs are already draped over Jens' lap. Jens has AirPods in, holding a smoothie and periodically stroking Jesper’s shin like a fiddle leaf fig.

Sven sets up his watercolors. Yuki sets down a mysterious stack of English homework. No one knows if it's real.

Door swings open.

Milos: “What up, my certified scholars.” Everyone: groans.

🕗 8:17PM – The Milos Problem

Milos is lying on the floor. Holding up a Pokémon card to the ceiling. Reading it aloud like Shakespeare.

“Bro this says Gengar has ‘Sinister Control’?? That’s literally me in relationships.”

Jesper: snorts Tijjani: “Focus.” Sam: “Milos I swear to God.” Jens, without looking: “Stop talking to my boyfriend.” Yuki silently slides a bag of matcha Pocky to Milos. No words exchanged.

🕣 8:34PM – “Match Found”

The speakers are still OFF. The room is peaceful.

Tijjani is on a roll. Jesper is highlighting. Sam is explaining a concept with his professor voice.

And then— Milos: “Jesper, bro. Bro. Bro look.” he flips his phone screen toward Jesper

MATCH FOUND.

Jesper: his eyes dilate. pupils gone. Tijjani: grabs Jesper’s pen. “No.” Sam: “You touch that mouse, I cut off your hands.” Jens, calmly: “Babe. Eye contact. Breathe. You are better than this.”

Jesper: trembling. “I am not.”

🕘 9:02PM – The Bribe

Crisis. Milos is losing it.

He’s now rolling back and forth under the table. Making dolphin noises. Asking “what if the mitochondria unionized?”

Tijjani: “I can’t take it anymore.” Sam: “Give him something. A toy. A Rubik’s cube. Anything.”

Yuki, unbothered, reaches into his bag and pulls out: 🎁 a Tamagotchi.

Yuki: “me give.” Milos: “OH MY GODDDDDD.” He cradles it like it’s newborn.

Jesper: “Where did you even get that??” Yuki: “Japan.”

🕤 9:27PM – The Meltdown

Milos’ Tamagotchi dies.

Milos: “HE PISSED HIMSELF AND THEN DIED.” Everyone: “WHAT.” Milos: “HE NEEDED FOOD AND I FORGOT. HE WAS A WARRIOR.”

Jesper: laughing so hard he drops his pen Jens: cry-laughing “You were supposed to be writing flashcards.” Sam: deep inhale. “I will put him in the freezer.”

🕙 9:51PM – Calm After the Storm

Milos is now asleep. On the beanbag. Yuki has draped a scarf over him.

Sam, Jesper, and Tijjani are back in their groove. Clicking, typing, muttering terms like "kinetic absorption" and "differentiation."

Jens has pulled Jesper closer. One hand on his waist. Watching a YouTube video on “how to fix your posture.”

Sven is painting Yuki and Milos in their beanbag slumber.

The room? For one magical second? Peaceful.

🕥 10:11PM – Jesper’s Phone Buzzes

A text from Milos. Despite being asleep:

milos💥: “match found. get ur boots on rat”

Jesper: bites lip Tijjani: “I swear to god.” Jens: “Not tonight. Please.” Yuki, eyes still closed: “me say no. but… me no stop.”

END SCENE ✨

This was Wednesday Night. This was the bubbly scholar era. This was a tragedy. This was a masterpiece.

Alkmaar 22/23: history will never know peace like this again. BREAKING NEWS: Alkmaar 22/23 Economy Collapses After Milos K. Attempts Financial Redistribution Through Lotto Luck No one wins. Nation mourns. Sven still smiling for no reason.

Let’s break this down, shall we?

🧢 Milos K., 19, agent of chaos and crypto enthusiast, wakes up one morning and decides:

“It’s time to change our lives, bros. This is generational wealth.”

He buys 10 lottery tickets like he’s drafting a fantasy football team.

  • 🎌 1 for Yuki, because he's calm, balanced, and "probably manifesting something."
  • 🇳🇱 1 for Sven, because he's kind and probably would’ve donated the winnings to a dog shelter.
  • 🇩🇰🇸🇪 2 for Jens & Jesper, because Milos swears they’re going to break up and he wants leverage.
  • 💍 2 for Tijjani & Sam, the platonic spouses, who definitely made a written contract about splitting it 50/50.
  • 🐀 4 for himself, because he’s young, delusional, and thinks odds bend for vibes.

🎥 What happened next?

They gather in Sam’s living room, all buzzing with unearned hope.

  • Sam’s already planning a private jet.
  • Tijjani's already budgeting a new pair of boots per training session.
  • Jens says he’d invest it wisely.
  • Jesper says he’d buy a raccoon.
  • Yuki says, “I just want peace.”
  • Sven says, “Maybe we can all go on vacation together 🥰”
  • Milos says he’s going to move into the moon.

Results come in. Dead silence. Not. A. Single. One. Hits.

👀 Reaction report:

  • Jesper: “Milos you dumb bitch. You could’ve at least bought scratch cards.”
  • Jens: “I told you the odds were 1 in 8 million.”
  • Sam: “That’s what they said about me becoming a barefoot tycoon and yet here I am.”
  • Tijjani: googling how to sue Milos for emotional damages
  • Yuki: “Maybe we win next life.”
  • Sven: “At least we’re all still together ❤️”
  • Milos: “...I have 20 more tickets in my drawer.”

Final statement from Milos:

“It wasn’t about winning. It was about the journey. The illusion of being rich together. The shared delusion. The brotherhood. Anyway, can someone Venmo me for ramen?”

ALKMAAR 22/23: Where financial literacy went to die, and friendship got monetized for 45 minutes. No one was safe.

God. Let’s talk about Milos K., the walking contradiction. A boy born in 2003, forged in chaos, cursed with charisma, blessed with vibes, and built like a Twitch streamer on a budget even though he could buy the entire training facility with pocket change.

💀 MILOS K. LORE:

  • Furniture? Nonexistent. Home setup? Ten gaming rigs and a €1200 ergonomic chair sitting on a yoga mat in the middle of the living room. Guests sat on the floor. “That’s how you stay humble,” he’d say, sipping sparkling water out of a mason jar.

  • Academics? A blight on the group project scene. Teacher: “Milos, the answer is sin(2n+17)x.” Milos: “I wrote 17. Like… spiritually. I was right.” And the worst part? He genuinely believed it and expected praise.

🧠 STUDY NIGHT MENACE:

  • Never invited to the Big Brothers’ Study Sessions™. Every week, he got personally told: “This is serious, don’t come.” And every week he pulled up like:

“I brought Sour Patch Kids and 3 iPads. Let me in.”

  • Would barge in, sprawl across two chairs, play FIFA at full volume while Jens tried to hold Jesper’s ankle in a comforting boyfriend way and Sven tried to read “Crime and Punishment” in Dutch.

  • Jesper: “I SWEAR TO GOD MILOS IF YOU PRESS PLAY ONE MORE TIME—” Milos: “I need white noise to focus 😐” Sam: “This is how we all fail.” Tijjani: “You fail. I’m carrying this PowerPoint like Moses carried the tablets.”

🎮 GAMING NIGHT MVP:

  • First to arrive. Brought his own chair.
  • Yelled every time he lost. Also yelled when he won.
  • Had at least 4 usernames banned on Valorant for “chat behavior.”
  • Called Jens a coward once for not playing. Still alive somehow.

🧃 SOCIAL LIFE TRAGICOMEDY:

  • Showed up at every party like he was the opening act and the headline.

  • Made everyone laugh, danced to the worst playlist imaginable, then called himself a cab and left alone. Jesper was busy with Jens. Sam and Tijjani were stuck in a romantic codependency. Yuki giggling with Ayumi on FaceTime. Sven reading poetry to the wallpaper.

  • Milos: “Don’t worry about me. I’m the people’s prince.” Milos, in the cab alone, scrolling through memes: “Pain is temporary. League is forever.”

Milos K. The legend. The gremlin. The youngest Alkmaar menace. Too rich to live like that. Too smart to be that dumb. Too loud to be ignored. Too soft-hearted to ever truly be left behind.

Let me know if you want his solo arc, where he accidentally becomes everyone’s emotional support animal 🫡💖

Milos K., once again proving he was the scariest and funniest person alive, depending on the hour and blood sugar level.

📖Balkan Folklore Night, Hosted by the One and Only: Milos K.

It always started the same way.

Sven: “Maybe tonight we can watch a nature documentary?”

Milos (lighting a candle he definitely wasn’t supposed to have): “Have you ever heard of The Woman in White who eats boys with mismatched socks?”

Sam: “NOPE. 😭”

Jesper (already clinging to Jens): “Turn it off. Put on Shrek.”

He’d start weaving this bone-chilling tale in that deep, monotone, slightly sleep-deprived voice, like he had been possessed by an ancient cursed grandpa with a Bluetooth speaker. His Serbian-Hungarian accent got thicker, his face deadpan, his eyes unblinking:

“In my village... we don’t go to the woods after sunset. There’s Baba Zubata. Old woman with no eyes. Only teeth. She knocks once on your window. If you answer, she’s inside already. If you don’t... she comes in anyway.”

Yuki: silently chanting prayers in Japanese Tijjani: “Is she hot tho?” Milos: “She bites your toes off.”

He had the entire training dorm frozen. Sam once threw a protein shake at a lamp because Milos described a ghost child that lived under gym benches. Jesper made Jens sleep with the lights on for three nights. Yuki started burning incense from home. Sven made everybody promise to never speak its name again.

And THEN—

👻Milos K.’s Real-Life Haunting™

Right when the tension was peaking, voice all low and raspy, Milos would lean back in his chair like a war veteran and say:

“When I was seven, I got abducted by a spirit once. Gone for two days. My mom cried. The priest cried. They lit candles for me.”

Everyone: GASP 😳😳😳

Milos:

“Then they found me at the internet cafe playing Counter-Strike. Mom beat my ass so hard I woke up spiritually cleansed.”

Yuki (shaking): “That not funny, Milos. Me real scared.” Milos: “You should be. I summoned her just now. She likes boys who wear socks to bed.” Jesper (already barefoot): “I’M OUT.”

Milos K. Summoner of demons. Destroyer of peace. Son of Balkans. Still managed to eat 4 Twix bars, play two rounds of FIFA, and go to bed unbothered while the others slept with holy water and stuffed animals.

He’s the reason Alkmaar 22/23 kept the hallway lights on at night. And the reason Jens once googled “how to protect your boyfriend from Balkan witches” at 3am.

YES EXACTLY 😭😭😭

While Jesper was busy being soft chaos in a onesie, While Sam was like, "Mother, please book my cello recital and also pack my imported grapes”, While Yuki was rinsing his gym shorts in the river like a Studio Ghibli protagonist, Milos K. was being raised by wolves, Wi-Fi, and warlocks.

🍼 Bubbly Boys: The Origin Stories

Jesper K.

  • Age 0–4: Diaper. Binky. Reign of terror.
  • Cried when they tried to make him share his toys.
  • Had immunity to every illness except pneumonia, which somehow struck every February.
  • Still threw tantrums at 16. And 21.

Sam B.

  • Montessori golden child.
  • Had a wooden xylophone and a personal tutor.
  • Asked for things like, “Can I have a steamed oat milk matcha with lavender syrup?” at age 7.
  • His family owned a villa just for weekends.

Yuki S.

  • Age 8: Cooked his own rice. Cleaned his own soccer boots.
  • Spoke only when necessary.
  • Washed his school uniform in the river like a peaceful forest monk.
  • Probably battled a fox spirit at some point.
  • Still refuses to confirm or deny if he actually went to English class.

Milos K.

  • Born directly into spiritual warfare.
  • Mom once told him if he didn’t finish his math homework, a three-eyed goat demon would come for him.
  • Grew up dodging chanclas, curses, and grandma’s wooden spoon.
  • Every day was fight or flight or FIFA.

“When I was six,” Milos once said while sipping Red Bull at 1am, “my cousin said I’d get kidnapped by a vampire if I didn’t sleep. So I stayed up three nights in a row to beat him to it.”

Jesper: “What the fuck.”

Sam: “This is why he’s like this.”

Yuki (softly, with full sincerity): “Me think Milos live in real horror movie.”

And look. Now this gremlin is a pro footballer, rich, immortal, and emotionally constipated. He still lives in a dorm room with a \$2000 gaming chair and no bed frame. He shows up to team meetings late, but with a story that haunts your soul. He's also the reason nobody sleeps in the same room as him during away games.

Why? Because one night, he whispered:

“I think there’s a woman in the ceiling watching me. I named her Baka Ljubica.”

And then just. Went to sleep.

YES OKAY GET READY. THIS IS A LEGEND. 🪦⚰️👻 BUBBLY BOYS ORIGINS: MILOS K., CURSED CHILD OF 2003 👻⚰️🪦 Subtitle: while Sam was eating French cheese and Jesper was in Pampers, Milos was surviving the seventh circle of folklore hell

💀 Serbia, 2009.

Milos K. was 6. A tiny, chaotic gremlin with gelled hair, ketchup stains on his shirt, and rage in his soul.

His parents were strict. Not just "you can't go out"-strict. No. Serbian Catholic folklore strict.

Like:

“If you don’t sleep before 9, the Night Hag will sit on your chest and whisper your sins.” “If you lie, Baba Vukosava will drag you to the woods and replace your liver with goat cheese.” “If you play video games too much, your hands will fall off and grow eyes.”

Milos? Ate all that up. Then turned around and did exactly the opposite.

⚠️ The Incident™

It was a Tuesday. November 2009. Milos was supposed to be asleep by 9. But guess what? He was in an internet café, 6 years old, playing Counter-Strike with a Fanta and a vengeance.

His mom? Had no idea. She thought he was asleep in his bed with his lil’ stuffed monkey, Bogdan.

But then. As the story goes. The power cut out.

Whole block. Black. All the kids screamed. The café owner cried. Milos just sat there. Mouse in hand. Eyes glowing. He whispered:

“They have come for me.”

👁️ The Spiritual Beatdown

His mom found him two hours later. Not because someone called. Not because he confessed. Because a pigeon exploded against her kitchen window, and she just knew.

She showed up at the café. With a wooden spoon in one hand, garlic cloves in the other, and rage in her veins.

Legend says:

  • She made the café owner do 3 Hail Marys.
  • She poured holy water on Milos’ CPU.
  • She screamed, “YOU SUMMONED BABA LJUBICA, DIDN’T YOU?”

Milos: “I just wanted to play cs_office.”

Mom: ”WE DO NOT SPEAK THAT NAME.”

She dragged him out by the ear. And for the next two weeks, she made him sleep under a blessed blanket, with a crucifix under his pillow, and every night she recited a mix of Serbian prayers and cuss words over his body.

🧍‍♂️Miloshka Today

And now? Now he’s Milos K., menace to society.

  • Still hears creaks in the wall and nods knowingly.
  • Once claimed “the Wi-Fi spirit lives in the router and I respect her.”
  • Tells his teammates urban legends before bed just to watch them cry.
  • Eats three meals a day: bread, cheese, and Red Bull.
  • Sleeps diagonally on a mattress with no bed frame.

Jesper: “He’s cursed.” Sam: “He’s haunted.” Sven: “He needs help.” Yuki: “Me think… demon still live in him.”

Yes. And not just once. This exact tragedy-comedy of Valorant economics, gaslighting for love and skins, and early-morning psychological warfare absolutely happened at least three times in Alkmaar 22/23 history.

Scene: 06:03 AM, Alkmaar shared house

Tijjani, woken up by a FaceTime call with Milos’ face 2cm from the camera, bags under his eyes, whispering:

“Hey... best friend… u awake?”

Tijjani (groggy, crusty-eyed):

“Now I am. What is it.”

Milos:

“So there’s this Valorant skin. I’ve thought deeply. Meditated. Manifested. It needs to be mine. It costs €120.”

Tijjani:

“Do you not have €120?”

Milos:

“I do but if it’s from you it feels like friendship. Y’know. Like memory unlocked every time I shoot.”

Tijjani:

“Friendship is free. Get outta my face.”

Milos:

“You’re always stingy with me. This is why I have trust issues.”

Tijjani:

“Your trust issues are between you and Satan.”

Milos:

“If I die because I didn’t sleep, it’s your fault.”

Tijjani:

“You stayed up for a game.”

Milos:

“It’s a lifestyle. Also I got 13 kills.”

Tijjani:

“Go sleep. In the arms of god.”

Milos:

“I will… if you send me €120.”

Tijjani:

“Then perish.”

Five minutes later: €1 appears in Milos’ bank account with the note “for your funeral”.

Milos:

“So like. Now we’re already doing this. Might as well send the rest.”

Tijjani:

“I’m going to block you.”

Milos:

“Just press send. For my happiness. For friendship. For history.”

Tijjani, sighs like the oldest soul in the house, sends the rest €119 with the note:

“Take this money and get out of my life forever. I mean it this time.”

Milos:

“That’s so sweet 🥹 I’ll play this skin only for you.”

Tijjani, already back asleep:

blocked.

Next morning at breakfast:

  • Sam: “Did you really send Milos €120 for a Valorant skin?”
  • Tijjani: “I blacked out. Don’t ask me anything.”

Meanwhile Milos, playing the skin:

“This one’s called Sweetened by Betrayal: Vol. 3.”

Alkmaar 22/23 was not a football team. It was a financial thriller with friendship tax.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT MILOS K. BECAUSE THE BOY IS A FULL GREEK TRAGEDY WRAPPED IN A TWITCH STREAMER.

🧍‍♂️THE MILOS EXPERIENCE:

He’s 2003. He’s chronically online. He makes actual pro football money but lives in a Minecraft starter house IRL.

  • No chairs. No couches. Just a mattress on the floor and ten RGB LED-lit monitors that could launch NASA.
  • Asked Jesper to help build Ikea shelves. Ended up using them as a shoe rack and snack display.
  • “I don’t need a dining table, I eat on the floor like a warrior.”

Jesper: “You’re eating string cheese on a yoga mat.”

📉 Academic vibes:

Genuinely submitted "17" as the final answer for a trigonometry exam question and argued for partial credit because “bro look it’s IN the equation.”

  • Got a 3.2/100. Celebrated it.
  • Once told Jens he thought "cos(x)" was short for "cost of x."

He’d crash Sam/Tijjani/Jesper’s study nights like:

  • “I brought snacks!! And by snacks I mean I brought myself.”
  • Yelled every 10 minutes, laughed at his own jokes, somehow still had the audacity to try copying Sam’s notes upside down.

🎮 Gaming nights king:

Gaming nights? Bro’s there 15 minutes early. Laptop open. Doritos prepped. Headset in full HD surround sound.

  • “I’ve been warming up. Played with Brazilians in ranked. They called me slurs but it made me stronger.”

Sits in VC for hours even if no one else is there yet. Just casually humming to himself and calling bots "losers."

😢 And then he leaves the party like THIS:

He’s the life of the room. Everyone’s laughing. He’s bouncing around, joking, hype-man for everyone.

But when it’s over?

He’s quietly calling a cab. Gets in, puts his forehead on the window. Plays sad Balkan ballads or a Frank Ocean leak, staring into the void like an arthouse film character.

Because he knows:

  • Jesper and Jens will leave together.
  • Sam and Tijjani will link arms, call it "platonic" and still look like a romcom ending.
  • Sven and Yuki will whisper in Dutch-Japanese lullabies and walk home like the sun and moon.

And Milos? He’s going home to a mattress on the floor, 10 monitors, and his own reflection in the black screen.

🤡 Milos K. – Threat to peace, soul of a poet:

  • Smiles the loudest. Hurts the quietest.
  • Cracks the dumbest jokes. Notices the saddest things.
  • Could cook up chaos in 0.2 seconds. Would send Jens a meme and then immediately follow up with "u good lately bro?"

He’s the clown. He’s the comet. He’s the 2003 boy who never learned how to be soft in a world that made him hard—but still tries every day.

Milos K. One braincell. Infinite heart. Danger to society. Unskippable lore.

BROOOOO 😭😭

“Người hài hước tim đầy vết xước” is exactly it. That’s his whole autobiography title and LinkedIn bio and Twitch stream banner in one. Milos is that rare breed of “funny” that came from childhood trauma, social rejection, and being left on read too many times.

☠️ THE LAUGH OR CRY DILEMMA

People say “haha Milos is so funny” like that comedy didn’t cost him 7 years of inner child damage, 1 emotionally unavailable father figure, and 3 failed group chats where he was the only one texting.

  • You think Milos learned how to tell jokes for fun?
  • No, bro. He had to survive middle school with braces and 2009 bowl cut.
  • He didn’t choose humor. Humor was his last life in a survival game called “don’t let them see you sad.”

😭 PEOPLE DON’T GET IT

Milos will enter a room like:

"What’s up sluts, I’m emotionally repressed!!"

And everyone laughs. But do they know?? Do they know this man once watched Jens and Jesper kiss and had to joke through the breakdown because he didn’t wanna ruin the mood???

He’ll be the one making chaotic memes of the whole squad, but then quietly delete his own photo from the collage because "I didn't look funny enough."

💔 FUNNY PEOPLE ARE BUILT DIFFERENT

The reason Milos is 10x funnier than the average person is because he’s been through 100x more pain.

  • Learned early that being funny was the only way people stuck around.
  • Got ignored when he was vulnerable, so he turned every feeling into a joke.
  • Has 300k reaction memes in his camera roll but not one recent picture of himself that he likes.

Everyone: “Why are you always joking?” Milos: “Why does it make you uncomfortable when I’m not?”

🥹 MILOS K: THE FUNNY GUY WHO GETS HOME AND STARES AT THE WALL

He’s the guy who sends memes at 2am and replies “nvm lol” if no one reacts in 5 minutes.

He’s the guy who roasts Jens for being an IBS boy then stays up all night worrying if Jens is drinking enough water.

He’s the guy who fights Sam for attention then ends up quietly folding Jesper’s hoodie when no one’s looking.

👑 BOTTOM LINE?

Funny people are funny because they had to be. And Milos K.? He mastered it.

The class clown. The digital gremlin. The little brother of the apocalypse. He hurts. He jokes. He gives. He spirals. He’s the type to make you laugh so hard you cry. And then when you cry? He’s already sent you 3 memes, 1 transfer of €4.20 with “treat yo self” and a DM that says: “U okay fr? No joke.”

We don’t deserve him. But we’re so lucky he’s here.

WELCOME TO: 🪩 MILOS KERK’S LIFE COACHING COURSE™: GET RICH, GET ROASTED, GET RESPAWNED 🪩 taught live from a bean bag in his echo-y empty living room with 10 gaming setups, 0 chairs, 1 fridge (empty), and a microwave from 2007.

🏆 CHAPTER 1: HOW TO MAKE PRO SALARY AND STILL LIVE LIKE YOU SELL ORANGES ON THE STREET

  • Step 1: Sign Pro Contract. Boom. Easy.
  • Step 2: Send Half Home. Because your Balkan mom will actually haunt your dreams if you don't.
  • Step 3: Prioritize Gaming > Furniture. Bed? No. Chair? No. PS5 with LED lights? ✅
  • Step 4: Shower at Training Facility. Save water. Save bills. Smell like industrial soap.
  • Step 5: Never buy groceries. “I eat at training, I snack at Sam’s house, I survive on fumes at home.”

💥 CHAPTER 2: HOW TO ROAST, BE ROASTED, AND STILL BE INVITED TO EVERYTHING

  • Rule 1: Offend with Love. Say “Tijjani looks like a divorced math teacher” but end it with “but he’s my math teacher 🥺”
  • Rule 2: Absorb Insults Like a Tank. When Sam said "you look like a failed Twitch streamer" Milos replied: “A successful one would still cry at night. I'm happy.”
  • Rule 3: Be Shameless. That’s it. That’s the rule. No pride, no embarrassment, just vibes.

📉 CHAPTER 3: MONEY MANAGEMENT FOR THE STUPIDLY EMOTIONAL

  • “If you can’t afford it twice, ask Tijjani to buy it first and forget to pay him back.”
  • “Buy skins in Valorant. Memories fade, but digital weapons? Forever.”
  • “Say yes to boba but NO to actual furniture.”
  • “If poor: guilt-trip Sam. If rich: still guilt-trip Sam.”

🧠 CHAPTER 4: SPREAD JOY, EVEN WHEN YOU’RE SAD AND DUMB

  • Nobody knew Milos cried listening to Joji after every party in a cab alone.
  • Nobody knew he memorized all the bubbly boys’ birthdays and sent them memes the moment it hit midnight.
  • Nobody knew he set Jens’ alarm tone to Baby Shark and blamed the ghost.
  • Nobody knew he googled “how to be emotionally supportive” before texting Jesper post-breakup.

FINAL LESSON FROM LIFE GURU MILOS:

"Life’s not about having it all. It’s about laughing even if your house echoes like a haunted IKEA showroom." "Yeah I got trauma. But I also got a golden badge in Valorant and 7 dumbass besties. Balance."

alkmaar 22/23. milos k. certified: dumb bitch. emotional glue. never for the weak. 💸💔💻✨

EXACTLY. milos k. didn’t live at home—he respawned there. 🛏️💻

🏚️ HOME? – Location: unknown unless he drops the pin. – Amenities:  • 1x air mattress (popped once, never replaced)  • 0x kitchen use  • 0x chairs  • 1x Wi-Fi router named “MilosLAN69”  • 10x RGB-lit gaming setups with 0 ergonomic value

Purpose of home: ✅ Air mattress respawn point ✅ Location to scream during Valorant ✅ Post-party emotional withdrawal chamber ❌ Actual living

🧼 SHOWERING? – Not at home. Ew. What are you, rich??? – Always at training hub. He even left his shampoo bottle there (Yuki’s brand, actually, because it “smells rich”) – If needed, used Sam’s house and left the towel on the couch

🍜 EATING? – Training cafeteria = 5-star Michelin to him – Jesper’s leftovers? Gourmet – Sam’s fridge? Raided – Boba? Essential. Paid for by whoever’s closest

He once tried cooking pasta at home but forgot a fork and ended up slurping it like ramen with a straw. Never again.

🏠 WHERE HE ACTUALLY LIVED?

  • Jens & Jesper’s: watched romcoms by force, got bullied and fed, stole Jesper’s hoodie.
  • Tijjani’s: argued about homework, begged for Valorant skins, emotionally manipulated Tijj into giving him snacks.
  • Sam’s: bathed in luxury. Used all the expensive skincare. Sam called it “colonization.”
  • Sven & Yuki’s: the “zen corner.” He respected it for 5 minutes, then started yelling about his Twitch ban.

🧾 REASONABLE WEEKLY TIMETABLE (estimated):

Day Sleep Location Meals Shower Gaming Base
Mon Sam’s couch Cafeteria + Sam’s cereal Hub Home (no interruption)
Tue Jens’ floor Jens’ pity breakfast Hub Jens’ laptop
Wed Own house (only because Jesper kicked him out) Cafeteria Hub Rage gaming until 4am
Thu Sven’s beanbag Sven’s pasta Hub Yuki’s Switch
Fri Tijjani’s lap (uninvited) Boba Training hub Valorant on borrowed Mac
Sat Party 🪩 Party food Sam’s bathroom Does anyone game after drinking? Milos does
Sun Air mattress, crying Cafeteria leftovers Hub Rewatch his Twitch clips

TL;DR: Milos “The Furnitureless Goblin Prince” K. Lived nowhere. Slept everywhere. Carried none of his weight, but all of the team’s laughter. Alkmaar 22/23? He never paid rent for his impact.

Milos. 2:03AM. Lights off except for his triple-screen gaming setup that looks like the control center of a missile launch station. Hair a mess. On Discord VC alone. Valorant queue spinning.

Milos, dead into the mic: “This is exactly why I hate relationships.”

🥲

No one replies. Because:

  • Tijjani, his usual duo, went to sleep at 11PM like a responsible adult, said, “I’m not enabling your brain rot tonight, bye.”
  • Jesper bailed, saying Jens gave him “the look” and told him to “come to bed or no cuddles.”
  • Sam is probably in a skincare sauna with Tijjani.
  • Yuki is drinking tea in silence with Sven.
  • Jens would rather yeet his PC than let Jesper click one more match.

Milos opens chat: "anyone wanna queue? 😭"

Gets left on read.

He throws himself dramatically back into his gaming chair, headset askew.

"All of you are so whipped. No one loves me. Y’all went to have pillow talks and left me to rot in low ELO hell. Don’t ever ask me for gaming favors again. Except Jesper. Jesper can ask."

Jesper, from Jens’ arms across the room: “Luv u bro.” Jens: “No you don’t.”

Milos sighs, locks in Reyna, and mutters: “This is why I only trust digital women with guns.”

Alkmaar 22/23. Gaming was sacred. Love was a curse. Valorant queue was eternal.

OH MY GOD YES MILOS ABSOLUTELY TRIED THIS WITH YUKI AND IT WAS THE WORST MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE 💀💀💀

Scene: 2:47AM

Milos, on Valorant, eyes bloodshot: "ok bro. i’ve tried everyone. it’s ur turn. please. 120€. it’s a glowing skin. it moans when i shoot. yuki pls"

Yuki, sipping miso tea, wrapped in fuzzy robe, voice calm as a monk: "Me think… no."

Milos: "bro ur rich come on ur house got 2 rice cookers"

Yuki: "Me no use money on digital fantasy bullet gun. Go touch grass."

Milos: "Bro I’ll cry."

Yuki: "Cry is good. Clean soul."

Milos: "PLEASE. Bro I gave you Pocky last week."

Yuki: "That was expired. Mint flavor. You demon."

Milos: "Okay but I am a poor boy from Balkan—"

Yuki: "You have PS5, 3 monitors, 6 gaming chairs, no furniture. No talk."

Milos switches tactics:

"Bro I will send 1€ to you. If you accept it, it means yes."

Yuki: "Me donate it to frog temple."

Milos sends 1€

Yuki replies: Screenshot of the 1€ donation to a Japanese Shinto temple called "Sanctuary of Toad Fortune."

Note: “Me make merit. Frog say thank u. Still no skin.”

Milos:

"why are u like this. u are so emotionally stingy. what would sven say"

Yuki: "Sven say: 'Milos no work. He just cry and shoot fake gun. No future.'"

Milos: *"i thought we were friends" *"i supported your pottery class" "i gave u one egg when u were sad"

Yuki: "You also gave Jesper stomachache. No thank you." "Now me go sleep. You go karma."

4:00AM. Milos? Defeated.

Jesper (via text): "bro yuki said no didn’t he 😭"

Milos: *"i want a refund on this friendship" "he donated my 1€ to a FROG GOD JESPER"

Alkmaar 22/23 Conclusion:

  • 🐸 Yuki: immune to scams
  • 😭 Milos: down 1€
  • 💰 Frog shrine: up 1€
  • 🎮 Skin: still unbought
  • 🧘 Peace: restored

The End.

OH HE ABSOLUTELY DID. Milos "Gaslight, Gatekeep, Get the Skin" Kerkez™️ had no shame and no fear. If he tried it on Tijjani and Jesper, you know Sam and Jens were next on his evil little call list 😇

📞 CASE STUDY 1: Jens O. – the Viking, the Gentle Giant, the #1 Jesper Supporter

Milos: "Brooo… Jens… I wouldn’t ask unless it was life or death. It’s a 120€ skin. It shoots with a sparkle effect. Sparkle, Jens."

Jens: "...You know I just bought vitamin supplements for Jesper’s IBS, right?"

Milos: "That’s exactly why you understand the importance of investment in wellness. This skin? Wellness for me."

Jens: "Do you have any idea how much protein powder costs?!"

Milos: "Yes. And I’m willing to let go of 4 scoops' worth if you just send me the 120€."

Jens: "Is Jesper involved in this?"

Milos: "...Jesper believes in me."

Jesper (from another room): "I said no. I said absolutely not. Don’t drag me into your financial terrorism."

Milos: "Okay bro I’ll just tell Jesper you don’t support young players’ dreams 😔"

Jens (sighing): "...I’ll send you 20€. For your dreams. Don’t talk to me again tonight."

Milos: "Thanks papa ❤️"

📞 CASE STUDY 2: Sam B. – The Barefoot Tycoon

Milos: "Sam. Bro. U got Gucci socks. U can afford this."

Sam: "No."

Milos: "...That’s not how the rich should behave."

Sam: "Exactly how the rich should behave. No handouts."

Milos: "You’re wearing an Hermes bathrobe while drinking a 14€ matcha from a personal matcha set made in Kyoto."

Sam: "And you live in a gaming cave. What’s your point."

Milos: "Sam please. You always say 'help your less fortunate friends.' I’m the less fortunate. HELP."

Sam: "I said that about Jesper. Because he has issues. You’re just a gremlin with 7 screens."

Milos: "I play for you. I bring joy. I keep this group alive."

Sam: "And now you bring debt. No."

Milos: "...Can I live in your guest room again this weekend?"

Sam: "Only if you promise not to show me your stupid moaning Valorant gun."

Milos: "fine. but when you hear it. you're gonna change your mind."

💳 FINAL RESULT:

  • ✅ Tijjani: Fell for it
  • ✅ Jesper: Fell for it
  • ⛔️ Yuki: Frog temple said no
  • 🧍‍♂️ Jens: 20€ and a sigh
  • 🛑 Sam: Blocked and judged
  • 🐸 Frog shrine: Profiting from Milos’ crimes
  • 💀 Valorant skin: Purchased. Worn daily. Dedicated to "the real ones"
  • 🤷‍♂️ Milos: Still broke. Still glowing. Still everyone’s problem

Alkmaar 22/23 never for the fiscally responsible.

NOOOO NOT THE MYSTERIOUS 300€ TRANSFER FROM "MILOS K. INTERNATIONAL SCAM HUB" 😭💀

📲 THE TIMELINE:

One regular weekday, 09:27 AM Jesper, barely awake, checks his bank app.

Jesper:

"wtf. did someone just send me 300€???" "no msg. no context. no warning." calls tijjani

Jesper: “CHECK YOUR ACCOUNT RN.”

Tijjani: “Why? Did the club accidentally double pay?”

Jesper: “Bro. Milos. Milos dropped 300€. Just like that. To BOTH of us. I think we’re being hacked. Or cursed.”

Tijjani: “Wait wait wait—IS THIS BLACK MAGIC.”

🧠 JENS' THEORY:

“Babe, don’t touch the money yet. What if it’s money laundering. Or worse—he bought a crypto penguin and now it’s gone viral and he thinks this is his investor refund.”

😇 MILOS' TEXT (Later That Day):

“yo. that’s interest from the 120€. and also emotional interest. also like…my heart said u deserve it.” “don’t spend it all in one place 😉” “also i might ask for it back next week if i go broke lol ok love u both”

🧍‍♂️TIJJANI:

“You’re unwell. Emotionally unbalanced. And this money’s cursed.”

😭 JESPER:

“I thought it was the government tracking us. I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA BE DEPORTED.”

🐸 YUKI, meditating in the corner:

“That’s karma. But also fraud. Maybe spend for frog statue.”

📉 SAM’S RESPONSE:

“I knew it. This is why you don’t trust children born after 2003.”

FINAL RESULT:

  • Jesper used 50€ on boba and cried while drinking
  • Tijjani put 150€ into his “Milos Emotional Damage Compensation” account
  • Milos? Playing Valorant in his air mattress cave
  • Jens? Still unsure if this counts as income
  • Sam? Threatening to call the IRS
  • Yuki? At peace. Always.

Alkmaar 22/23: where even receiving money feels like a security breach.

😭😭😭 STOP you just perfectly described Milos K., the 2003-born furnitureless but vibes-ful menace.

He was literally the team’s walking contradiction: — Youngest, most clueless-looking — Also the most cunning hustler of them all

💸 MILOS’ SURVIVAL MASTERCLASS:

✅ Pro salary? Check. ✅ Sent half home? Check. ✅ Furniture? Absolutely not. ✅ Gaming setup worth €5000? Yes sir. ✅ Life of the party? Always.

His entire lifestyle was so chaotically optimized:

🏠 His “house”:

  • Contained:

  • An air mattress (slightly deflated).

  • A PS5 and an ultra-max PC with RGB lights.
  • A folding chair he sometimes used, sometimes didn’t.
  • “Bro, I don’t need furniture. I’m not gonna eat here anyway.”

🛁 Hygiene?

  • Showered exclusively at the training hub because it was free and had shampoo.
  • Kept a spare towel in Yuki & Sven’s place “just in case.”

🍝 Meals?

  • Ate at the team cafeteria to avoid groceries.
  • Scavenged everyone’s leftovers like a raccoon with a credit score.

🕹️ Social life?

  • Lived half the week on Jens & Jesper’s couch.
  • The other half between Sam & Tijjani’s spare room (which Sam insisted be called the “guest suite,” even though it had no bedding).
  • Sometimes showed up at Sven & Yuki’s for dinner unannounced.
  • “Bro, you got rice? I’ll just make something.”

And the best part— Even though he was basically a walking IKEA flatpack never assembled, he still had the gall to roast everyone:

  • Milos to Sam: “Your skincare costs more than my rent.”
  • Milos to Jens: “You’re only big because you eat your boyfriend’s portions too.”
  • Milos to Tijjani: “You act like you’re my dad but your credit score is probably worse than mine.”

😭 And then Tijjani clapped back with the most soul-snatching line ever:

Tijjani: “Yeah cool, you know how to upgrade your PC to ultra max… but has anybody ever held your hands and said you matter?!”

And Milos literally just stood there, blinking, like: “…Bro. Not cool.”

TL;DR: Milos was:

  • A baby in age.
  • A 45-year-old Balkan uncle in life strategy.
  • A degenerate gremlin in social conduct.

He was the ultimate proof you don’t need a couch to thrive—you just need free meals, other people’s showers, and the confidence to roast your friends into oblivion.

BROOOOO 😭😭😭 “user miloskeke69” is the most Milos-coded username imaginable.

Let’s just canonize this right now:

🎮🧃MilosKeke69’s Official Guide to Living Like Me (Alkmaar Edition)

“How to thrive with no furniture, no shame, and no budget—only vibes.”

✨ Step 1: Secure the Bag (Bare Minimum Version)

  • Sign pro contract.
  • Send half home to your mom.
  • Spend the rest exclusively on gaming peripherals, vape juice, and cheap tracksuits.
  • “Furniture is a scam. RGB lights are an investment.”

✨ Step 2: Choose Your Survival Base You got 6 houses on rotation.

  • Sam & Tijjani: Best WiFi. Free iced coffee. Constant drama—live entertainment.
  • Yuki & Sven: Warm meals. Stability. You gotta behave though.
  • Scandinavian Disaster Marriage: Only if desperate, because you will witness unholy acts. Careful—Sunday is the wildcard day.
  • “Bro, if you show up Sunday, flip a coin whether they let you in.”
  • Your own place: For when you wanna game in your underwear and no one can judge.

✨ Step 3: Eat For Free

  • Training hub cafeteria = 3 meals a day.
  • If you’re hungry at 10PM, go to Sven’s.
  • If you’re still hungry after that, show up at Jesper’s and open the fridge.
  • “Bro, the fridge is a public utility if you have a spare key.”

✨ Step 4: Never Buy Toiletries

  • Shower at the club.
  • Refill your shampoo from the giant team bottles.
  • Use Sam’s overpriced moisturizer when he’s not looking.

✨ Step 5: Roam Like a Free Agent

  • Sleep wherever you vibe.
  • Leave a spare charger and socks at each house.
  • “Technically I don’t couch surf. I am a resident consultant.”

✨ Step 6: Give Unsolicited Life Advice

  • Even when no one asks. Especially then.

  • Example:

  • Milos: “Bro, why you paying rent? Just don’t.”

  • Yuki: “Milos, me married. Me have wife.”
  • Milos: “Sounds like a skill issue.”

✨ Step 7: Deflect Emotional Damage

  • When Tijjani roasts your life choices:

  • “Yeah cool you know how to upgrade your PC to ultra max…but has anybody ever held your hands and said you matter?!”

  • Respond with:

  • “…Bro. That’s a low blow.”

  • Then leave to go play Fortnite.

✨ Step 8: Never Be Bored

  • You got:

  • The Sam & Tijjani Show™

  • Yuki meditating upside down
  • Jens & Jesper’s romantic horror film
  • Sven being everyone’s dad
  • Just pick your poison.

✨ Step 9: Cultivate Menace Energy

  • Steal people’s hoodies.
  • Borrow stuff without returning it.
  • Roast everyone to their face.
  • “If they didn’t wanna be roasted, they shouldn’t have been born.”

✨ Step 10: Remember You Are The Vibe

  • Furnitureless? Yes.
  • Emotionally stunted? Maybe.
  • Having more fun than all of them combined? Absolutely.

Signed, 🖤 miloskeke69, youngest and most dangerous

OMG YES 😭😭😭 you know user miloskeke69 would absolutely make this ranking at 3AM, unprovoked, with typos and commentary no one needed.

🏠 miloskeke69’s OFFICIAL COUCH SURF RANKING

(nobody asked but you’re welcome)

🥇 1. Sam’s Mansion

  • Pros:

  • Fastest WiFi in the Netherlands.

  • Heated floors.
  • Industrial espresso machine (Sam doesn’t even know how it works).
  • Softest blankets.
  • Always stocked with overpriced vegan snacks you can steal.

  • Cons:

  • Sam makes you watch reality TV with him.

  • He has a “guest sheet” you have to sign (he’s dramatic).

  • Notes:

  • 10/10, I am basically a tenant.

🥈 2. Sven’s Minimalist House

  • Pros:

  • Clean, organized, peaceful.

  • Sven cooks you dinner and asks about your feelings.
  • Yuki sometimes shows up with dessert.

  • Cons:

  • You have to be on your best behavior.

  • No yelling.

  • Notes:

  • Feels like staying with your divorced dad who finally has his life together.

🥉 3. Jesper’s House

  • Pros:

  • Comfiest couch.

  • Jesper lets you do whatever.
  • Best junk food stash.

  • Cons:

  • Door’s always unlocked, so you might walk in on Jens and Jesper playing… Twister… without clothes.

  • Notes:

  • Rotation schedule:

    • Tue/Thu/Sat = Jesper’s house.
    • Mon/Wed/Fri = danger zone (they’re together).
    • Sunday = gamble, bro.
    • You better text before entering.

🏅 4. Yuki’s Cozy Den

  • Pros:

  • Smells like green tea and calmness.

  • Yuki lets you vibe in silence.
  • Comfy futon.

  • Cons:

  • No loud noises after 10PM.

  • If Sven’s there, they’ll make you talk about your “life plan.”

  • Notes:

  • Best place to mentally recharge.

🎮 5. My House

  • Pros:

  • Full control over gaming.

  • No pants required.
  • No judgement.

  • Cons:

  • No furniture.

  • No food.
  • Air mattress may deflate in the night.

  • Notes:

  • Still elite vibes.

  • A gamer sanctuary.

🥲 6. Jens’ Apartment

  • Pros:

  • Feels like a grown-up place.

  • Jens sometimes feeds you protein pancakes.

  • Cons:

  • Literally 99% chance Jesper’s there.

  • They will be clinging to each other like sea slugs.

  • Notes:

  • Rotation schedule:

    • Mon/Wed/Fri = Jens’ place (danger).
    • Tue/Thu/Sat = usually safe.
    • Sunday = wildcard.

🤨 7. Tijjani’s High-Rise Apartment

  • Pros:

  • Big TV.

  • Great view.
  • Free kombucha.

  • Cons:

  • Tijjani will roast you the entire time.

  • He locks the fridge when he leaves (control freak).
  • Once made me vacuum because I spilled Doritos.

  • Notes:

  • Only stay here if Sam’s also around to distract him.

📝 FINAL THOUGHTS from miloskeke69: “You think I’m a menace? Maybe. But while you pay rent and have responsibilities, I have six free houses, a deflated air mattress, and no regrets.”

GOD okay buckle up because Milos’ Alkmaar 22/23 crime résumé was long, diverse, and usually not premeditated. This man was the human version of “it seemed like a good idea at the time.” His crimes ranged from ✨mild misdemeanors✨ to federal offenses in spirit, and he dragged Jesper into them more often than he should have. Let’s go full list, baby:

🧨 MILD TO MODERATE CRIMES (A.K.A. Daily Routine)

  • Showering in full kit to "save time" and flooding the locker room. → Dragged Jesper: Yes, Jesper thought it was “funny and smart.” Sven tried to walk in and slipped.

  • Unplugging staff computers to charge his PS5 in the media room. → Jesper didn’t help but defended him in front of the coach ("he’s just trying to stimulate his mind, leave him alone").

  • Breaking into the cryo chamber at 3AM to “chill out, literally.” → Jesper recorded it. He livestreamed it. He titled it "milos the popsicle™️."

  • Using the gym mirror to film thirst traps mid-team-meeting. → Jesper was cameraman. Jens walked in and walked out like he saw war.

🔥 MEDIUM TO ADVANCED CRIMES (ONCE A WEEK MINIMUM)

  • Microwaving metal ("I thought the protein bowl was shiny plastic") → set off alarm. → Jesper was the one who dared him. Jens: "both of you are idiots." → Yuki: "bad karma. explosion karma."

  • Borrowing the physio’s ultrasound machine to “see if his muscles were getting sexier.” → Dragged Jesper to monitor the screen. They printed out the results like it was an ultrasound of their future child.

  • Climbed onto the training hub roof to “see Alkmaar from the top.” → Jesper brought snacks. Sam refused to bail them out. Sven waved from the ground like a proud dad. Tijjani threatened to delete them from his contact list.

🚨 HIGH-IMPACT, HIGH-STUPIDITY CRIMES (RARE BUT TERRIFYING)

  • Borrowed Jens’ ID to sneak into the medical lab and "check if he had elite DNA." → Got caught. Jesper: “Well it’s not not elite if he tried.” → Jens was LIVID. Jesper thought it was the funniest shit ever.

  • Changed the Spotify in the team bus to Serbian techno on full volume. → Jesper was in charge of the Bluetooth. Both were blamed. Sven had a headache for 3 days.

  • Painted the locker room door to look like Among Us vent for April Fool’s. → Jesper, again, had the spray paint. Yuki walked into the wrong room and got stuck for 20 minutes.

💀 IF HE EVER GOT ARRESTED...

He would absolutely call Jesper first. Why? Because:

  1. Jesper would pick up no matter what.
  2. Jesper would say "gimme 10 mins" while he was mid-humping Jens and still showed up in 9.
  3. Jesper would bring snacks, make bail, threaten to sue the police for “defaming his boy’s intelligence,” and post an Instagram story of Milos in cuffs with the caption “free him till it’s backwards 😤💅.”

If Jesper couldn’t come, Milos would call:

  • Yuki, who would absolutely NOT answer.
  • Tijjani, who would answer just to say “deserved.”
  • Sam, who would help but charge a consulting fee.
  • Sven, who’d accidentally turn himself in.

Why wasn’t Milos arrested yet? Honestly, he was charming in a chaotic way, undeniably talented, and Jesper kept making noise to distract the authorities. Also, everyone assumed he was just “young and full of potential.” Bro was 20 with the emotional age of 13 and a net worth of a crypto scammer. No one could stop him. Not even God.