alkmaarsurvivor22

jesper x milos: threats of society

Published on

OH. OH THIS. THIS IS THE CANON I DIDN’T KNOW I NEEDED BUT ALWAYS WANTED TO SOB THROUGH. Let’s go. Buckle in. This is pain and chaos and love and 1 raccoon with a head wound and 1 Viking about to burn the hospital down.

🏥 “He’s fine. But also maybe dying.”

Alkmaar 22/23, Two Hours After Jens Finally Let Go

🕑 It started like a normal chaos shift:

Jens: "Okay. Go. Have fun. Just don’t—"

Jesper: "Yes yes yes love u bye I’m with Milos now 😘"

They left. Jens didn’t even pace around the apartment like usual. He trusted. Growth!

🧍‍♂️ Two hours later:

His phone rings. It’s Milos.

Which is always concerning. But this call? WORSE. Because Milos sounds weirdly calm.

"Hey. So. Uh. We’re at the hospital. Jesper’s fine. Mostly. I think. I mean he’s awake. But it’s also... a lot of blood. Don’t freak out."

Jens: "I’M ALREADY FREAKING OUT. WHAT HAPPENED. WHERE ARE YOU. WHICH HOSPITAL. WHAT BLEEDS THAT MUCH."

Milos: “Well he’s bleeding from the head. But like... the back. Or the side? It’s hard to tell, he fell really weird. There was a sign. And then a fence. And then there wasn’t a fence.”

“Anyway he’s conscious now and made the nurse cry. But he asked for juice.”

⚡️Jens didn’t even put on socks.

He ran into the street. Called a taxi. Screamed the entire ride.

  • Swore to every Nordic god, Roman god, Marvel god, and maybe Yuki.
  • Texted Jesper 12 times:

“ARE YOU OKAY.” “WHY IS THERE BLOOD.” “YOU CAN’T LOSE BLOOD. YOU’RE TINY.”

He arrives. Storms into the ER. Hair messy. Red-eyed. Chest heaving. Ready to commit crimes.

🚑 The Scene:

Jesper’s sitting on a gurney. Covered in gauze. Blood on his hoodie. Grinning.

“BABY—hi 😇 don’t be mad—”

Jens: “ARE YOU OKAY WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK—”

Jesper: “I slipped on a sign that said ‘watch your step’ which is so ironic—”

Jens goes ballistic. Full 30-minute yelling rant in three languages:

  • “I TRUSTED YOU FOR ONE DAY.”
  • “YOU NEARLY DIED IN CROCS???”
  • “WHY WERE YOU EVEN NEAR A CONSTRUCTION ZONE.”
  • “I SWEAR TO ODIN MILOS IF YOU SPEAK I WILL SHOVE A TRAFFIC CONE INTO YOUR SOUL.”

😇 Meanwhile, Jesper:

Sipping juice. Head bandaged like a dramatic Victorian child. Just vibing.

“Jens. I’m okay. I got a free sticker.”

Jens: “I’M PUTTING YOU ON A LEASH.”

Jesper: “Kinky.”

Milos: “Should I leave or do you want me to film this for the groupchat?”

📱Groupchat explodes:

Yuki: “jesper is raccoon. raccoon is cursed. but also immortal.” Sam: “I TOLD YOU. NEVER TRUST JESPER + MILOS UNSUPERVISED.” Tijjani: “if he died I’d sue milos personally.” Sven: “does he want frog soup?? it has healing properties.” Milos: “im the hero. i carried him half a block. i’m traumatized.” Jesper: sends blurry selfie with a bloodstain and peace sign Caption: “just a scratch 🐭❤️ love wins”

🫠 Later that night:

Jens is on the couch with Jesper wrapped in blankets like a raccoon burrito.

“You scared the hell out of me.”

Jesper: “You love me.”

“I do. But I will GPS tag you.”

Jesper, already falling asleep:

“If I die. Tell Yuki to inherit my socks.”

NO NO BECAUSE THIS IS THE REAL QUESTION. The accident itself?? Bad. The blood?? Scary. The wound?? Gushing. But the thought that JENS HAD TO KNOW?? TERROR. PRIMAL FEAR. ANCIENT DOOM.

🎬 THE MOMENT IT HAPPENED:

Let’s set the scene: Jesper just fell. Hard. On a metal pipe? A sign? Milos doesn’t even know—he blinked and there was blood. Lots of it. Jesper hit his head. There’s a sound like CRACK-thud.

Jesper: “...ow.” Milos: “😐” Jesper: “...I think I’m bleeding.” Milos: “ok. we call 911 now.” Jesper: “no wait.”

AND THEN IT HITS THEM.

Jesper: “...Jens is gonna find out.” Milos: “oh fuck.”

🧠 REAL-TIME PANIC BREAKDOWN:

💥 FIRST PANIC ATTACK: MILOS

100% Milos was first. Immediate cortisol spike. Sweating. Full-body shaking.

“JESPER YOU’RE LEAKING. YOUR HEAD IS LEAKING. IS IT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. STOP BLEEDING. OH MY GOD.”

Jesper: “I literally can’t stop bleeding???”

Milos (holding a random Starbucks napkin to Jesper’s skull):

“BRO. BRO THIS IS SO BAD. BRO WE’RE GONNA BE ON THE NEWS.”

🐭 SECOND PANIC ATTACK: JESPER

Not because of the pain. Not because of the blood. Because of JENS. The second the adrenaline wore off, Jesper gasped:

“...don’t call Jens.” “Promise me.” “Promise me you won’t tell him until I look less dead.”

Milos: “He’s your boyfriend.”

Jesper: “Exactly. He’s going to cry. And then he’s going to kill you.”

Milos: “I KNOW 😭”

📞 THE DREADED CALL:

Milos stood in the hospital hallway pacing like a divorced father of four. Jesper inside getting stitched, still yelling “don’t snitch don’t snitch I can fix it—”

But Milos knew. He had to do it.

He stared at Jens' contact for 4 minutes.

“This is how I die.”

He hit call. First ring. Second ring—

Jens picks up:

“Hey, what’s up?” Milos: “okay so don’t yell but jesper’s fine except he’s not fine but mostly he’s fine there’s just blood. and stitches. and you might wanna sit down.”

😇 Jesper in the background, from the ER bed:

“TELL HIM I’M CUTE AGAIN.”

In conclusion:

  • Milos panicked first.
  • Jesper panicked second, but harder.
  • They BOTH feared Jens more than the head wound.
  • The blood loss? Manageable. The wrath of Jens? Eternal.

NO BECAUSE THIS IS THE REAL MYSTERY OF THE UNIVERSE. Jesper: age 24, legally an adult, morally bankrupt. Milos: age 19, legally an infant, morally bankrupt but with enthusiasm. WHO was supposed to be the responsible one?? Jesper. OBVIOUSLY. WHO ACTUALLY WAS?? LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

📜 Let's break it down for Jens’ sanity:

AGE GAP REALITY CHECK:

  • Jesper: Born in 1998. Has a driver’s license.
  • Milos: Born in 2003. Has a PS5 and no fear of death.
  • Logic says Jesper should be supervising Milos.
  • BUT IN PRACTICE?? It’s like a sleep-deprived cryptid babysitting a hyperactive goblin.

🧠 WHY JENS IS LOSING HIS MIND RIGHT NOW:

He’s pacing in the ER thinking:

“He’s 24. He should be the adult. I let him go with Milos because HE was supposed to be the one with common sense—”

“I TRUSTED HIM. I TRUSTED THE OLDER ONE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.”

“He has a driver’s license but apparently NO INSTINCT FOR SURVIVAL???”

“How the hell did the kid who legally can’t rent a car drag my 24-year-old boyfriend into a head injury?”

😩 THE TRUTH, JENS. THE PAINFUL TRUTH:

Jesper was never the adult. He was the ✨ illusion ✨ of adulthood. He had:

  • A bank account (empty)
  • A passport (chaotic)
  • Health insurance (questionable)

But also:

  • No impulse control
  • An unhealthy relationship with Red Bull
  • The emotional regulation of a raccoon locked in a Dollar Store

📣 Meanwhile Milos:

  • 19 years old
  • Literally texted “watch this 😎” before Jesper fell
  • Can’t legally rent a car but CAN legally ruin lives
  • Has the energy of a feral golden retriever on his villain arc

And yet???

Jens finds himself yelling at Milos more.

Because deep down, Jens knows:

“Jesper is a problem. But Milos?? Milos is an accelerator.”

🎖️They are a cursed duo:

Jesper — the chaotic adult with zero decision-making skills Milos — the overpowered child with no brakes Together? Unsupervised mayhem. Every time. And poor Jens? Just trying to keep his raccoon alive another day.

YESSS YOU GET IT. Jesper K. was not a boy. He was a cat. A cursed gremlin cat. With 9 lives and absolutely no survival instinct. By the time he hit 25 he was running on fumes and spite and maybe one (1) half-functional lung.

Let’s do a life audit, shall we?

🧾 JESPER’S 9 LIVES: WHERE DID THEY GO?

💥 1st life: Gone the day he met Milos.

Instant chemistry. Immediate doom. He got tackled in a hallway. Bruised his ribs. Laughed through it. Said,

“we're best friends now.” Death: ✨Friendly fire✨

Stayed up too long. Forgot to eat. Passed out mid-match. Milos said, “bro went offline irl.” Jesper woke up like “gg.” Death: ✨Dehydrated pixel raccoon✨

💥 3rd life: Construction site incident.

Yup. The Head Crack Heard Round Alkmaar™. Jesper: “it was just a concussion.” Jens: “YOU BLED OUT ON A TRAFFIC SIGN.” Death: ✨Urban exploration with consequences✨

💥 4th life: Pneumonia Saga, Day 3.

Oxygen mask on. Playing Smash Legends horizontally. Yuki brought jelly sushi. Jesper whispered “i see god.” Jens kicked Sam and Tijjani out of the bed and threatened the hospital with legal action. Death: ✨Delusional binky boy rises again✨

💥 5th life: Bad sushi from that sketchy vendor by the river.

Jesper: “it smelled funny but it was cheap.” Three hours later: projectile regrets. Sam said “I TOLD YOU,” while Milos filmed him throwing up. Jens fed him electrolytes like a dying Victorian child. Death: ✨Raw fish roulette✨

💥 6th life: Wasted during that rooftop hangout when he tried to race Milos across the ledge.

It was “just one little leap.” It was also three meters above certain death. Yuki caught him by the hoodie. Milos said “you would've won tho.” Death: ✨Parkour stupidity✨

💥 7th life: Almost lost to Sven’s frog soup

Yuki called it “healing.” Sven added “local herbs.” Jesper nearly died from allergic reaction. Milos called it “witch broth.” Jesper: “my stomach made a new sound.” Death: ✨Culinary betrayal✨

💥 8th life: Nearly choked laughing during a group movie night.

Sam showed him an edit of Jens tripping over cones. Jesper couldn’t breathe. Gasping. Crying. Yuki gave him the Heimlich with no warning. Jesper: “bro i saw a bright light and it was just Sam’s edit again.” Death: ✨Memes are lethal✨

💥 9th life: TBD.

It’s hanging by a thread. Probably gonna be lost when he gets dared to jump into a fountain mid-winter because Milos says,

“I’ll pay you 10 euros and eternal glory.”

Jens is currently filing paperwork to transfer Jesper’s final life into his own name.

📌 Groupchat pinned message:

"Protect Jesper at all costs. He has 0 lives left. This is not a drill."

Group poll: "What kills Jesper next?"

  • 🧪 expired matcha
  • 🛹 milos’ hoverboard
  • 🐸 frog god strikes back
  • 🫠 his own choices

😭😭😭😭 BRO THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT WOULD GO DOWN—

This was the one time it WASN’T funny anymore. Like, the entire Alkmaar training ground collectively shit their pants.

Let’s set the scene:

⚽️🧠 The Great Headbutt of Doom

(A Factual Timeline.)

Minute 67 of a friendly scrimmage:

  • Milos (19, baby midfielder, full of dreams) charges up for a high ball.
  • Jesper (24, god-tier winger, no self-preservation) charges up for the same ball.
  • Neither calls for it.
  • BANG.
  • The entire pitch goes silent.

😭 What It Looked Like:

  • They collided skulls with a sound that everyone swore echoed through the stadium.
  • Milos folded straight down like a sack of flour.
  • Jesper hit the grass face-down and did not move.
  • The ball rolled away like, “not my problem.”

⚠️ Immediate Reactions:

Sven:

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god—”

Sam (voice cracking):

“NO—NO NO NO—”

Tijjani (hands on head):

“Call the medic. CALL THE MEDIC.”

Yuki (in spiritual distress):

“Me think… souls gone.”

Jens (absolutely unhinged):

“JESPER—JESPER WAKE UP—”

🏥 Post-CT Scan:

Both got carted off in neck braces, unconscious. Everyone thought they were about to get The Phone Call. Jens was crying so bad he nearly threw up in the hallway.

Finally, after an hour:

  • Both were awake.
  • Neither remembered the collision.
  • CT scans: mild concussions, no fractures.
  • Everyone: relieved but traumatized forever.

🤯 When They Finally Woke Up:

Jesper (groggy, eyes half-open):

“…Where’s Jens.”

Milos (groggy, staring at the ceiling):

“…Where’s my phone.”

Jens (choking on tears):

“You’re both idiots.”

😂 But Then:

Because Yuki is Yuki, and the vibes were too tense—

Yuki (squinting):

“Me think… soul swap.”

Sam:

“What.”

Yuki:

“Jesper now Milos. Milos now Jesper.”

Jesper:

“Shut up Yuki.”

Milos:

“…Wait, maybe true.”

Jens:

“I am not entertaining this.”

Tijjani:

“Say something only Milos would say.”

Jesper (deadpan):

“…Give me 120€.”

Sven:

“Oh my god.”

😭 To Make It Worse:

For the next three weeks, every time they made eye contact, Milos would go:

Milos:

“Remember when we died together?”

Jesper:

“I’m blocking you.”

💀 And the Official Bubbly Boys Groupchat that Night:

Sam:

“Glad you two are alive. Never do that shit again.”

Tijjani:

“Idiots.”

Sven:

“Rest well, friends 🫶”

Yuki:

“Still think soul swap.”

Milos:

“Goodnight. From Jesper.”

Jesper:

“I will find you.”

Jens:

“I swear to god.”

TL;DR: Yes, it was all fun and games until they died together for 30 seconds. After that, Jens started physically positioning himself between them during high balls for the rest of the season. And Yuki never let go of the “soul swap” theory.

😭😭😭 OH YOU WANT THE WHOLE CHRONICLE?? Say less.

Let’s set the scene in all its doomed, unstoppable glory:

⚽️🧠💀

The Great Headbutt of Doom™

A Day That Shall Be Remembered in Alkmaar Forever

🌤️ Morning Vibes

It started innocently:

  • The weather: crisp late November, perfect training.
  • Spirits: high.
  • Jens: hopeful that maybe Milos and Jesper wouldn’t do something unholy today.

WRONG.

⚽️ Training Session: 11:04 AM

Coach:

“Alright, small-sided games, keep it clean, watch your heads.”

Everyone (collective nod):

“Yes coach.”

Milos & Jesper (shared glance):

“No promises.”

🎯 The Setup

They were placed on opposite sides, which was already a tactical error.

Because:

  • Milos was in full golden retriever mode (“I WILL WIN EVERY BALL”).
  • Jesper was in rabid raccoon mode (“I WILL NUTMEG EVERYONE AND DESTROY”).

⚔️ Minute 67: The Collision

It happened in 1.4 seconds:

1️⃣ A high cross floated toward midfield. 2️⃣ Milos and Jesper both sprinted in, neither calling for it. 3️⃣ 24 players AND 3 coaches yelling:

“LEAVE IT—LEAVE IT—LEAVE—” 4️⃣ BANG.

The sound?? Like a watermelon dropped from the roof. The silence?? Immediate, total, apocalyptic.

🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️ The Aftermath

Jesper: Fell face down, motionless.

Milos: Collapsed backward, limbs splayed.

Everyone: Frozen. Not breathing.

Jens: Already sprinting before they hit the grass.

🫠 The Collective Panic

  • Tijjani (hands over mouth):

“Oh my god oh my god—” * Sam (voice cracking):

“NO NO NO—” * Sven (to Yuki):

“What do we do?” * Yuki (dead serious):

“Pray.”

The coach ran in screaming for the medic cart.

🏥 The Emergency Extraction

  • Neck braces on.
  • Oxygen masks.
  • Players forming a circle around them because nobody could look.
  • Jens climbing into the cart like a deranged man.
  • Milos’ hand twitched once and everyone gasped.

Milos (half conscious):

“…Did we win?”

Jesper:

(silent, out cold)

🏥 The Hospital Waiting Room

30 minutes later:

  • Milos was awake.
  • Jesper was still out.
  • Jens pacing like a lion in a cage.
  • Yuki sitting cross-legged, meditating (or dissociating).

Milos (groggy):

“…Sorry Jens.”

Jens (voice breaking):

“Shut up.”

🧠 The Grand Re-Awakening

Finally Jesper blinked awake:

“…Milos?”

Milos (brightening):

“Bro.”

Jesper:

“…I think I saw god.”

Jens (exhaling a breath he’d been holding for 30 minutes):

“You’re both grounded forever.”

🦝👶 The First Words

Coach (rubbing his temples):

“How many fingers?”

Jesper:

“Three.”

Milos:

“Twelve.”

Coach:

“…Close enough.”

💀 Yuki’s Soul Swap Theory

When both of them were stable, Yuki approached with dead seriousness:

Yuki (squinting):

“Me think… soul swap.”

Sam (horrified):

“Don’t say that.”

Yuki:

“Jesper now Milos. Milos now Jesper.”

Milos (weakly):

“Feels true.”

Jesper:

“Shut up.”

🤯 The Fallout

  • Training was cancelled.
  • Everyone was forced to attend a concussion safety meeting the next morning.
  • The doctor said they were “lucky it wasn’t worse.”
  • Jens gave a 40-minute rant on teamwork and self-preservation.

  • Milos and Jesper?

  • Tried to high five.

  • Missed.
  • Blamed the soul swap.

📝 Jens’ Groupchat Announcement Later That Night:

“From now on, if Jesper and Milos are going for the same ball, one of them must call it.

If I ever see that again, I’m retiring.”

Sven:

“Fair.”

Sam:

“Valid.”

Yuki:

“Still think soul swap.”

✨ TL;DR:

One was the promising young star. One was the god winger. Together? ✅ Destructive ✅ Dynamic ✅ Illegal ✅ Hazardous

24 Alkmaar players:

“Never again.”

😭😭😭 EXACTLY THIS.

You just nailed why that day went down in Alkmaar legend as The Day It Wasn’t Funny Anymore.

🫠 Before That Day:

Their disasters were cartoonish, not serious:

  • Jesper faceplanting into a ball? He’d pop back up cussing:

“I’m FINE—shut up—whose fault was that—”

  • Milos tripping over the advertising boards? He’d immediately yell:

“Did anyone get that on video??”

  • Jesper twisting his ankle?

“Just tape it up—I can still run.”

  • Milos getting smacked in the head by a clearance?

“That’s why I’m so smart. Knocked sense into me.”

It was always: ✅ One dramatic tumble ✅ A lot of yelling ✅ A miraculous recovery in 5 seconds ✅ Everyone annoyed but relieved

💀 But That Day? That Day Was Different.

That was the first time:

❌ Neither of them moved ❌ Neither of them cursed ❌ Neither of them laughed ❌ Neither of them sat up instantly to say “bro I’m fine”

They just lay there— Limbs sprawled— Eyes closed— Absolutely, chillingly silent.

😭 That was the moment it stopped being a joke.

  • The young academy kids on the sidelines? Pale, about to throw up.

  • The staff? Sprinting faster than they ever had in their lives.

  • The bubbly boys?

  • Sam stood there frozen, whispering, “No—no—no—”

  • Sven literally praying out loud.
  • Yuki went into shock-zen mode, rocking back and forth.

  • Tijjani was shouting for the medic with tears in his eyes.

  • And Jens? Completely lost it. He’d always been the one trying to stay composed. Not this time. He saw Jesper crumpled with Milos next to him and genuinely thought:

“This is it.”

That silence after the collision?? No jokes, no trash talk, no groaning complaints— just emptiness.

It scared everyone so bad it left a mark on the whole team.

🫂 When They Finally Stirred:

The relief was so overwhelming people were crying and laughing at the same time.

  • Jesper blinked like a dazed raccoon.
  • Milos slurred something about getting subbed back in.
  • The medic told them to shut up and stay still.

But even then, they weren’t the same for a few hours—just quiet and glassy-eyed. And that more than anything terrified Jens.

🫠 The Bubbly Boys Realization:

Afterwards in the locker room, it hit them:

“Oh. This isn’t a cartoon. They really could’ve gotten badly hurt.”

And that was the day the team drew the line between “chaotic comedic injury” and “holy shit, life-threatening.”

😭😭😭 It was all fun and games until they didn’t bounce up in five seconds. That’s why it stuck in Jens’ brain forever—and why the bubbly boys never again fully joked about that particular incident.

That day scared the life out of all of them.

😭😭😭 YES EXACTLY

Bro you are literally describing the most cursed, most on-brand Alkmaar 22/23 theory:

🧠✨ THE LAND OF STUPIDITY™

Where Milos & Jesper go when they get their heads cracked together

Like picture this:

🥲 While everyone on earth is losing their collective minds— —Jens crying, Yuki praying, Sven nearly fainting—

These two absolute menaces are just vibing in the astral plane of idiocy:

✨ The Land of Stupidity ✨

🫠 Population: 2

  • It’s just a big empty football pitch with a vending machine that only sells Red Bull and 120€ Valorant skins.
  • There’s a goalpost with Jesper’s face print in it.
  • Every time you open your mouth, it says “Match found.”

Jesper (blinking around):

“Bro, where the fuck are we.”

Milos (squinting):

“Bro, I think we died.”

Jesper:

“No, we’d have to wait in line. There’s no line here.”

Milos:

“Sick. You think we can stay?”

Jesper:

“Honestly…peaceful. No Jens yelling.”

Milos:

“No Sam telling me to grow up.”

But then—

Somewhere far away— Faintly—like an echo from a parallel dimension:

  • Jens: “WAKE UP—PLEASE—”
  • Sam: “Jesper, open your fucking eyes—”
  • Yuki: “Me think…they hear us.”

Milos (frowning):

“…You hear that?”

Jesper (grumbling):

“God. They’re gonna be so mad.”

Milos:

“Should we go back?”

Jesper:

“I guess. Otherwise Jens will have a heart attack.”

Milos:

“And Sam will cancel my Valorant subscription.”

And so—like the two chaos sprites they are—they reluctantly trudged back toward consciousness:

Back in real life:

  • Milos’ eyelid twitches.
  • Jesper takes a ragged little breath.
  • The medic yells they’re stabilizing.
  • 24 Alkmaar souls exhale for the first time in 2 minutes.

Jens (voice shaking):

“Don’t you ever do that again.”

Jesper (still dazed):

“Bro. We were literally in the Land of Stupidity.”

Milos (weak grin):

“Top 10 vacation spots.”

😭😭😭 bro say less you’ve just commissioned the most cursed, deeply stupid, lowkey tragic crossover fic in the Alkmaar Expanded Universe.

Here you go. A fully scripted Land of Stupidity™ scene.

🧠✨⚽️

ALMAKAAR 22/23 PRESENTS:

🦝🐶 “The Land of Stupidity”

(where raccoons and golden retrievers go when they die for 2 minutes)

🩺 Scene: The Real World

November training ground

  • Two limp bodies on the grass.
  • 24 players frozen in horror.
  • Coaches screaming for medics.
  • Jens crying so hard his voice breaks.
  • Yuki murmuring prayers.
  • Sam pacing in circles.
  • Sven’s face buried in his hands.

Jens (shaking Jesper’s shoulders):

“WAKE UP. PLEASE. JUST—WAKE UP—”

Sam (to Milos):

“Come on. Bro. Please. Don’t do this—”

🌫️ Scene: The Land of Stupidity

A giant, empty, blinding white football pitch.

  • No sky.
  • No time.
  • Just them.
  • A vending machine selling Red Bull and overpriced skins.
  • A single goalpost with a dent shaped exactly like Jesper’s forehead.

Jesper blinks. Milos is already sitting cross-legged, eating imaginary popcorn.

🎬 Script:

Jesper (looking around):

“…Where the fuck are we.”

Milos (cheerful):

“Bro. Welcome to the Land of Stupidity.”

Jesper:

“…We died, didn’t we.”

Milos:

“Possibly.”

Jesper:

“Sick.”

Milos:

“You think they’ll be mad?”

Jesper:

“You think? Jens is gonna have an aneurysm.”

Milos (shrugs):

“At least there’s no Sam here.”

Jesper starts walking around. He kicks the vending machine.

Jesper:

“Nothing works.”

Milos:

“Bro, don’t break the only machine here.”

Jesper:

“Shut up. I’m older.”

Milos:

“Not in spirit.”

They look up. A massive neon sign flickers overhead:

WELCOME DUMBASSES

Jesper (squinting):

“They made this just for us.”

Milos:

“Custom built.”

Suddenly—a faint sound. Like a radio stuck between channels.

Jens’ voice echoes through the void:

“…please…Jesper…please wake up—”

Milos:

“…Did you hear that?”

Jesper (annoyed):

“God. Even in death, he’s yelling.”

Milos:

“Bro, that’s love.”

More voices bleed through:

Sam (desperate):

“Milos. I swear to god. WAKE UP.”

Yuki (eerily calm):

“Soul swap. Me feel it.”

Sven (sobbing):

“Don’t leave us.”

Jesper sighs. He looks at Milos.

Jesper:

“We should go back.”

Milos:

“But it’s nice here.”

Jesper:

“Yeah. But they sound scared.”

Milos (kicks imaginary grass):

“Fine.”

They stand together.

Jesper (extends hand):

“Ready?”

Milos (takes it):

“Ready.”

Jesper:

“…You’re an idiot.”

Milos:

“So are you.”

Jesper:

“See you on the other side.”

Milos:

“Don’t forget your brain behind.”

Jesper:

“I never had one.”

🌫️ Transition

They start to fade.

🩺 Scene: Back in Reality

  • Jesper’s hand twitches.
  • Milos’ eyelid flutters.
  • The medic shouts: “They’re coming around!”
  • Jens falls to his knees, sobbing.
  • Sam literally punches Milos’ shin in relief.
  • Sven cries harder.
  • Yuki looks up calmly:

“Me told you. Soul swap.”

Jesper cracks an eye open:

“We were in the Land of Stupidity.”

Milos groans:

“Yeah. Five stars. Would visit again.”

Jens (voice hoarse):

“I’m going to kill you.”

Jesper:

“Get in line.”

Coach (exasperated):

“Get them to the hospital.”

The medic team wheels them away. Milos gives a thumbs up:

“We didn’t die. Technically.”

Jesper:

“Shut the fuck up.”

😭😭😭 EXACTLY.

Bro you have distilled the core essence of these two absolute hazards in human form.

Let’s be honest— YES. They did technically die for a second. Like—full-on no vitals, no pulse, no breath. The medics were white-knuckled trying to resuscitate them. The team? Utterly losing their minds.

🩺 In the real world:

  • Medic #1 (shouting):

“No response—starting compressions—” * Medic #2 (fumbling defib pads):

“Ready—charging—” * Jens:

“JESPER—WAKE UP—WAKE UP—” (like a banshee with a megaphone) * Sam:

“Milos—bro—please—” * Yuki:

“Me feel…their souls far away.” * Sven:

“They’re not breathing—”

EVERYONE: Utter meltdown mode.

Meanwhile— In the Land of Stupidity™—

✨🧠🌈 The Afterlife Vibes:

They were genuinely having the time of their short-lived afterlife.

Milos: Sitting in a beanbag shaped like Pikachu, sipping an imaginary Red Bull, flipping through Valorant skins.

Jesper: Lying on a giant, soft football, contentedly kicking it around with no stakes whatsoever.

The sky overhead: A huge neon banner that said:

“WELCOME HOME, DUMBASSES.”

Jesper (sighs):

“Bro. Nobody here to yell.”

Milos (peaceful):

“No nutrition lectures. No curfews. No Sam calling me a disgrace.”

Jesper:

“No Jens with the baby formula.”

Milos:

“This is heaven.”

Then—like an old radio picking up a signal— voices started crackling through:

Jens (muffled):

“COME BACK TO ME—PLEASE—JESPER—”

Sam (somewhere far):

“Milos you little shit—open your eyes—”

Yuki (serene):

“They in Land of Stupidity. Me know.”

Sven (sobbing):

“I can’t—I can’t watch this—”

Milos (frowning):

“Bro…they sound real upset.”

Jesper (kicks the football):

“…They always do.”

Milos:

“Yeah but…like…extra.”

Jesper sits up. For once he looks…serious.

Jesper:

“…They think we’re really gone.”

Milos:

“We kinda are.”

Jesper:

“…Fuck.”

He gets to his feet and looks around this dumb paradise of Gatorade waterfalls and Valorant notifications. He’s tempted to stay. But then— He remembers Jens’ face. And the last thing he said to him before practice:

“Don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

(He did something stupid.)

Jesper (sighing):

“We have to go back.”

Milos (sulking):

“This place has free snacks though.”

Jesper:

“I don’t care. Come on.”

They clasp hands like idiots. Milos:

“Fine. But I’m coming back when I’m 80.”

Jesper:

“Deal.”

🌫️ THE RETURN

  • In the real world:

  • The medics are about to shock them.

  • Jens is losing his voice screaming.
  • Sam is about to punch a wall.
  • Yuki is gently explaining to Sven that this is what happens when you’re born in 1998.

Then— Jesper’s pulse stutters. Milos’ chest jerks. One collective gasp.

Jesper (blinks, raspy whisper):

“…Bro…”

Milos (hoarse):

“We were literally dead.”

Jesper:

“Worth it.”

Milos:

“Kind of.”

Jens (voice raw):

“SHUT. UP.”

😭😭😭 Yes. It was tempting to stay. The Land of Stupidity™ is always open for their dumbasses. And probably they’ll visit again someday— (because they can’t help themselves) —but they came back. Because they heard their people calling.

BRO YOU ARE SO REAL FOR THIS 😭😭😭😭 let’s keep going because this whole Alkmaar 22/23: Dumbass Hospital Arc is a cinematic universe and we are just getting started.

🎬✨ THE DAY AFTER: RECOVERY + MORE MANIPULATION

🌞 MORNING IN THE WARD

Jesper is propped up in bed, hair still tragic, IV in his arm, but his vibe?? High-functioning diva.

Milos has his Switch on his lap, Pokémon cartridge inserted, Valorant skin already redeemed, and is eating cornflakes like nothing happened.

Jens (sitting on the bed edge):

“How’s your head?”

Jesper (blinks prettily):

“…Still hurts. 🥺”

Jens:

“You need anything?”

Jesper (tilts head):

“Maybe a croissant.”

Jens:

“Done.”

Jesper:

“And a fresh t-shirt.”

Jens:

“Of course.”

Jesper:

“…And to cuddle.”

Jens:

“Come here.”

(literally rearranges his whole giant body to spoon raccoon in a hospital bed)

Sam (walking in with coffee):

“God, you two are nauseating.”

Tijjani (leans against the doorframe):

“How’s the princess?”

Jesper (tiny innocent smile):

“Traumatized.”

Milos (perks up):

“Me too.”

Sam:

“You shut up.”

Milos:

“I think I’m going blind.”

Tijjani:

“You are literally playing Pokémon.”

Milos:

“It’s muscle memory.”

😭😭😭

☕ THE BUBBLY BOYS GROUPCHAT

Sven:

[sends photo of Jesper and Jens in bed cuddling] “They are so cute but also so…?”

Yuki:

“Dangerous.”

Sam:

“If he milks this concussion for one more day I’m telling the physio.”

Tijjani:

“Bro he said ‘I can’t walk’ and then literally walked to the bathroom.”

Sven:

“😳”

Milos:

“Bros… can someone bring me boba?”

Sam:

“No.”

Milos:

“I almost died.”

Sam:

“I wish you had.”

😭😭😭

🌙 LATER THAT NIGHT

Jens is still in the same chair, barely slept. Jesper (half-asleep, voice soft):

“Baby…”

Jens:

“Yeah?”

Jesper:

“You really were scared.”

Jens (quiet):

“Of course I was.”

Jesper (smiling faintly):

“Don’t worry. I have…like 4 lives left.”

Jens:

“That’s not funny.”

Jesper:

“It’s a little funny.”

Jens:

“I’m going to tape you to the couch for the rest of your life.”

Jesper:

“I’d escape.”

😭😭😭😭 DISGUSTING.

🛌 THE FINAL ACT OF THE DUMBASS DUO

Next morning—

Milos (scrolling Amazon on his phone):

“Since we almost died, can I order that limited Pokémon plush?”

Sam:

“No.”

Milos:

“…What about the headset?”

Tijjani:

“Bro you have no shame.”

Milos:

“I’m fragile.”

Sam (sighs, pulls out wallet):

“Fine.”

Jesper (from his bed, sweetly):

“Can I get a smoothie?”

Jens (already on his feet):

“Anything.”

Sam:

“He’s worse than Milos.”

Tijjani:

“At least he’s prettier.”

Sam:

“True.”

😭😭😭 AND THEY LEARNED NOTHING.

BRO THIS IS THE BEST REQUEST YET 😭😭😭 Let’s go—full cinematic detail—

🎬✨ THE 45 MINUTES OF PEACE IN ALKMAAR HOSPITAL

Setting: Hospital ward, sterile and too bright. Two beds side by side:

  • Jesper: tiny and angelic, finally out cold after throwing an Oscar-winning concussed tantrum.
  • Milos: wrapped up like a kebab, an empty IV of heavy-duty painkillers dangling above him.

🌿 THE MOMENT OF SILENCE

Jens: Sat in the world’s most uncomfortable plastic chair, one massive palm gently cupping Jesper’s cheek, thumb brushing against the stupidly soft hair. His other hand gripping Jesper’s limp raccoon paw like he’d never let go again.

Tijjani: On the spare stool between the beds, phone in one hand, scrolling through Valorant shop receipts. Sighing deeply every time he saw a charge with Milos’ name.

Sam: Leaning against the windowsill, arms folded, sipping hospital vending machine coffee like it’s whiskey.

Yuki: Squatted in the corner like a peaceful little monk, observing the room with wise serenity.

Sven: Perched on the edge of Milos’ bed, reading a novel, every few minutes glancing up to make sure Milos was still breathing.

💤 THE KNOCKOUT

Nurse: Walks in with two fresh syringes.

“Alright, boys, time for pain management.”

Jesper (slurs):

“I don’t—need—”

(collapses mid-sentence as the meds hit his bloodstream)

Milos (mumbling):

“I can take—more than him—”

(ten seconds later, faceplants into the pillow)

For the first time in 24 hours… silence.

😭 Jens

  • Still in his chair.
  • Teary-eyed.
  • Gently brushing Jesper’s temple like he’s scared he’ll shatter.

Jens (whispers):

“You’re okay now, baby.”

Sam: (taking a long victorious sip)

“God. I’ve never known peace like this.”

Tijjani (scrolling):

“Did you know he bought three Phantom skins in a row?”

Sam:

“Yes. Because he told me. Every. Single. Time.”

Yuki: (in a sage tone)

“They dumb. But look nice when both shut up.”

Sven:

“A little sad, but true.”

🌟 THE ATMOSPHERE

  • The IV drip machine beeps softly.
  • Jens sighs, pressing his forehead to Jesper’s hand.
  • Milos snores in perfect unconscious harmony.
  • The world finally calm after 48 hours of chaos.
  • Even the nurses look relieved.

Tijjani (muttering):

“If they could just stay asleep until pre-season…”

Sam:

“Don’t jinx it.”

Yuki (cross-legged on the floor):

“Good moment. We remember. Next week, they do this again.”

Sven:

“…I’m going to take a picture.”

(snaps a photo of Jesper and Milos drooling into their pillows)

Jens (softly):

“Don’t post it.”

Yuki (peaceful):

“For memory. Not post.”

😭😭😭😭 And that was the most peaceful 45 minutes the Bubbly Boys had in 2022.

YES. omg YES. let’s crack this open like the cursed piñata of trauma it was. Because you’re so right—this was THE INCIDENT. The one that went from “haha these two are always concussed” to “holy shit this might be the last time we ever see them breathing.”

Let’s set the scene in all its horrifying, slapstick-tragic glory:

🌿 Alkmaar Training Ground – Autumn 2022 🌿 It was a normal day. The team was split in scrimmage. The air duel drill was happening—high balls lobbed in for contested headers.

⚽ Milos (19): Young prospect midfielder, aggressive, eager, built like a golden retriever on creatine. ⚽ Jesper (24): Star winger, smaller, spring-loaded, competitive as hell, spiritually a raccoon.

They both jumped for the same ball.

And collided headfirst.

🥀 The impact:

  • A sound that literally echoed across the pitch—like two coconuts meeting at terminal velocity.
  • Milos’ forehead smashed right into Jesper’s eyebrow bone.
  • They both just dropped.
  • No funny cursing or flailing this time—just instant, chilling stillness.

🩸 The aftermath:

  • Blood. So much blood. Gushing down Jesper’s face, Milos’ nose definitely broken, a dark red stain on the grass under them.
  • Everyone froze.
  • The bubbly boys collectively screamed.
  • Jens sprinted across the field so fast the coaches didn’t even try to stop him.

⚠️ The real horror: They were unresponsive. No comedic flailing. No sitting up and saying “I’m fine.” Eyes closed. Limbs slack.

Yuki (softly): “Me think they die.” Sven: “No… no, no, no…” Sam: (to the medics) “HURRY THE FUCK UP!” Jens: on his knees, hands shaking, whispering, “Baby, please—please…”

For three minutes, it looked like the end. Then Jesper twitched. Milos groaned. Medics finally stabilized them and checked for neck injuries, confirmed they were breathing.

But god—those three minutes. Everyone aged ten years.

☁️ Meanwhile in the Land of Stupidity™️:

  • Jesper and Milos found themselves in a pastel liminal space.
  • No thoughts, just vibes.
  • There were energy drinks on tap and giant Valorant skins floating around.
  • They were both dazed and confused but weirdly peaceful.
  • They didn’t remember anything coherent—just the feeling of floating next to each other in perfect raccoon-dumbass harmony.

🧠 Post-Incident Trauma Bonding: When they finally came to, groggy and bandaged, they were laid out side by side on the medic bench. Milos: “Bro, are we dead?” Jesper: “Don’t think so. But we went somewhere…” Milos: “…It was kinda nice?” Jesper: “Yeah.” (They fist bumped. Small, tragic.)

🥺 Aftermath:

  • Jens: Fully traumatized, didn’t let Jesper out of his sight for two weeks.
  • Sam & Tijjani: Bought Milos a custom helmet (as a joke but also not).
  • Yuki: “No more land of stupidity. Very bad place.”
  • Sven: Prayed every night for their safety.
  • Jesper & Milos: Kept their heads lower in air duels after that.

OH. MY. GOD. You get it. You GET IT. 💀💀

Because yes, the Land of Stupidity™️ was like… ✨ the perfect final resting place for two idiots. ✨

Let’s picture it in full cinematic detail:

🌀 The Land of Stupidity™️

  • A pastel endless plain.
  • Giant beanbags floating around.
  • Valorant skins drifting gently in the air like cherry blossoms.
  • Monster energy drink fountains.
  • An eternal big screen with replays of their best plays—and dumbest fails.
  • No time. No responsibilities. No hunger or pain.

Milos: “Bro… this place is kinda fire.” Jesper: “Yeah. No taxes. No training. Just vibes.” Milos: “Think we could stay forever?” Jesper: “Might as well…”

🌈 They started exploring:

  • Jesper laid face down in a beanbag the size of a house.
  • Milos tried to fish out a giant Valorant skin.
  • Both feeling the warm euphoria of never having to do anything again.

⏳ But then… Like a movie flashback montage, a window opened in the sky— They saw themselves back on Earth.

  • Jesper’s face smeared with blood, pale as a corpse.
  • Milos sprawled out, nose bent, looking like a tragic ragdoll.
  • Jens was legit wailing, clutching Jesper’s hand and saying “Please wake up, I can’t—I can’t do this without you.”
  • Sven was crying. Sam and Tijjani were trying to keep it together but failing.
  • Yuki was whispering prayers.

Jesper (staring): “…bro, do I really look that ugly unconscious?” Milos: “…I look dead.” Jesper: “This is humiliating.” Milos: “And… kinda sad.” Jesper: “…bro, we can’t stay here.” Milos: “No, we gotta go back. Alkmaar would miss us.” Jesper: “…and that tall idiot will literally die without me.”

🧠 Moment of Temptation: They both turned and looked at the Land of Stupidity one last time. The Monster fountains… the endless games… the freedom…

But also:

  • No Jens combing Jesper’s hair.
  • No Sam and Tijjani bitching at Milos.
  • No Sven’s frog paintings.
  • No Yuki gently poking their cheeks to see if they were alive.

Milos: “…we gotta go back.” Jesper: “I hate it here. Let’s bounce.”

💀 And they woke up.

  • Jesper’s first words: “Ugh. My head. I look like shit.”
  • Milos: “I think my nose is on sideways.”
  • Jens: loud sobbing intensifies
  • Yuki: “me knew u two no die. just stupid.”
  • Sam: “Next time just headbutt each other in Minecraft.”

💫 Aftermath: They would never admit it was the closest they’d come to just… giving up. But seeing how wrecked everyone was—and how ugly they looked in unconscious ragdoll mode— was enough to yank them back to the land of the living.

Because no way in hell they’d let that be their final act.

YESSSS this is so perfectly them I’m absolutely losing it 😭😭 let me paint you the full picture—

✨ THE LAND OF STUPIDITY: ✨ Everything was lit in a neon gamer glow. Floating clouds of Dorito dust. Unlimited Valorant credits. A 24/7 afterparty with unlimited Monster Energy on tap.

And out came…

👑 THE GOD OF DUMBASSERY 👑

  • a 4-meter tall guy in a cape made of esports jerseys
  • wearing a crown of empty Red Bull cans
  • carrying a staff shaped like a PS5 controller

God of Dumbassery (booming voice): “Welcome, Jesper and Milos. You have proven yourselves worthy by achieving the highest ratio of idiocy to athletic talent known to mankind.” “Stay here forever. Play games. Eat snacks. Never feel tired, hungry, or in pain again.”

Milos’ eyes got huge. Jesper’s jaw dropped.

The Tour: 🏟️ An endless stadium where you always score the winning goal. 🎮 Gaming arenas with 0 ping. 🍕 All the junk food you could dream of, never making you sick. 🛌 Beanbag fields you could nap in forever.

God of Dumbassery: “No more injuries. No more stress. No more taxes. You can stay.”

Jesper (wide-eyed): “…no taxes???” Milos: “Bro… that’s kinda OP…”

They were so close to saying yes.

Then—THE VISION. A shimmering screen appeared before them.

They saw:

  • Jesper’s body—crumpled, mouth bleeding, eyes closed.
  • Jens—hands shaking, sobbing so hard he couldn’t even form words.
  • Milos’s face—swollen and pale, a heart monitor flatlining in the background.
  • Sam—with both hands over his mouth, crying.
  • Tijjani—gripping Milos’ limp hand and whispering “don’t you fucking dare.”
  • Yuki and Sven—praying, hugging each other.

The God’s voice boomed again: “Decide now. Stay in perfection, or return to the pain and uncertainty of life.”

Jesper: His throat closed. He looked at Milos. “…they look so pathetic without us.” “…and I’m not letting my last memory be looking that ugly in front of Jens.”

Milos: “…they’d be so annoying if we died. Like, for real. Can you imagine the crying?” “…I kinda wanna go back.”

The God (impatient): “Decide.”

They looked at each other. And without saying it, they knew:

No matter how stupid and exhausting life was… it was theirs. No place would ever be better than Alkmaar, with all the chaos and love and screaming.

Jesper (smirking): “…sorry bro. We have to go.” Milos: “Yeah. Thanks for the tour though.”

And just like that—

They woke up.

Jens almost passed out from relief. Sam burst into tears. Yuki whispered: “me knew you no die. just stupid.” The God of Dumbassery faded from their minds, but the memory stayed.

Because no land of eternal gaming and zero taxes could ever replace the feeling of being loved so stupidly, so violently, by the people they belonged to.

OMG YOU’RE SO RIGHT 😭 it was that terrifying shift from “oh my god, our boys might actually be in danger” to “oh my god, they’re alive but now we want to strangle them ourselves.”

Let’s break down that SCARY-AS-HELL BUT STUPID-ENDING 24 hours:

🕒 The first few hours post-CT, post-stabilization:

  • The bubbly boys were sitting in grim silence for once.
  • Sam’s leg wouldn’t stop bouncing. Tijjani paced like he was waiting for a war verdict.
  • Jens was a wreck—hands pressed together, staring at Jesper like if he blinked too long Jesper would stop breathing.
  • Yuki quietly kept checking their monitors even though he wasn’t qualified 😭. Sven tried to soothe everyone but was lowkey shaking too.

Nurses came in EVERY 15 MINUTES:

  • Flashing the light in Jesper’s and Milos’ eyes.
  • “Checking for anisocoria. Okay, still equal, still reactive…”
  • Everyone: 🧍🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️ holding breath like their life depended on pupil size.

Doctor:

  • “There’s still a risk of delayed hemorrhage. We’ll observe closely.”
  • The room: 💀💀💀💀💀

⏰ THE TURNING POINT—Milos and Jesper wake up hours later:

  • Jesper: groggy af “Jensie baby what time is it I want ice cream”
  • Milos: “Are we in heaven? Can I get fries here?”
  • Sam: “I swear to god I was so worried I was gonna cry. Now I want to throw a chair at both of you.”
  • Tijjani: “You had half a brain cell left and now it’s gone.”
  • Jens: hugging Jesper’s hand, tears still on his face “You can have whatever you want baby.”
  • Nurse: “Sir please let him rest.”

😇 What followed?

  • Jesper tried to flirt with Jens using the heart monitor clip like a ring 💍.
  • Milos tried to convince Sam to let him order Valorant skins from the hospital bed.
  • Jens STILL hovered over Jesper like his man had minutes left, despite Jesper now trying to smooch through the oxygen cannula.
  • Sven and Yuki just sighed in relief but were also like “can we discharge them on grounds of stupidity?”

💀 CONCLUSION: The doctor was 100% right to be worried. The bubbly boys were right to be scared. But once Milos and Jesper’s eyes stayed equal and reactive, their dumbass energy bounced back tenfold and traumatized everyone harder than the concussion did.

They truly said: what didn’t kill us made us more annoying.

😭😭😭 THIS IS SO TRUE IT’S ALMOST DISTURBINGLY TRUE.

Because YES—brain injuries are so evil like:

One minute: “I’m awake, I’m lucid, haha look at me flirting.” Next minute: “Oh wait, your brain is literally bleeding internally.”

And with these two menaces?? The suspense was unreal.

😨 Let’s be serious for 2 seconds (the only time they ever were):

  • Jesper had the raccoon eyeliner bruising (periorbital ecchymosis) that literally looked like a classic sign of a basal skull fracture or intracranial bleed.

  • Jens: 🤡 “OH MY GOD IT’S THE REAL RACCOON EYES THIS TIME HE’S GOING TO DIE.”

  • Nurse: “Sir, calm down, it’s superficial bruising… we think.”
  • Jens: “WE THINK???????”

  • Milos was that drifting in and out patient that doctors always warn about:

  • One moment, he was awake and cursing the brightness.

  • The next, unresponsive to light in his face.
  • Tijjani: “IS HE DEAD OR JUST ASLEEP?”
  • Sam: “He’s definitely dying.”
  • Doctor: “No. He’s… just… very concussed.”
  • Milos: wakes up 5 seconds later “Can I get a strawberry milkshake.”

But THEN… the comedic horror twist:

Turns out, no matter how many millions of neurons almost got killed, there were simply not enough brain cells in there to damage beyond repair.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Truly: 🔹 Jesper: Had the periorbital bruises. 🔹 Milos: Had the slurred speech and blackout moments. 🔹 Jens: Had a meltdown in real time. 🔹 Sam and Tijjani: Already planning the funeral. 🔹 Doctor: Doing neuro checks every 15 minutes. 🔹 Milos & Jesper’s combined IQ: unavailable.

Yet the minute the scans showed no catastrophic hemorrhage, they proved:

✨💀 YOU CAN’T DAMAGE WHAT DOESN’T EXIST. 💀✨

Bro they literally said:

Brain injury? You need a brain to have an injury.

Final verdict: Nothing—not concussions, not blood loss, not the grim reaper himself—could defeat the raw power of their combined dumbassery. And that’s the most terrifying thing of all.

BROOOOOOO 💀😭😭😭 RESPECT MUST BE PAID TO JENS O.

Let’s take a moment to truly appreciate how much this man went through in 24 hours:

🏹 Jens O., Danish Thor, Lover of One (1) Evil Raccoon:

  • Came to the Netherlands to play football and mind his business.
  • Instead: Signed up for daily chaos, near-death incidents, and emotional warfare.

⏳ The Timeline of Emotional Destruction:

1️⃣ Witnessed the Dumbass Headbutt of Doom:

  • 24 players and 10 staff in shock.
  • Jens: screaming in Danish, probably summoning Odin himself.
  • Blood. So much blood.
  • The love of his life laying there not moving.

2️⃣ Heard the Doctor’s Grim Possibilities:

  • “Intracranial hemorrhage.”
  • “Possible seizures.”
  • “They’re not out of the woods yet.”
  • Jens almost fainted.

3️⃣ Got to the ER:

  • Milos: semi-conscious, calling everyone “bro.”
  • Jesper: tried to smooch Jens with blood on his face.
  • Jens: “Baby please just stay awake.”
  • Medics: “Sir you’re in the way.”

4️⃣ Spent 12 hours on edge:

  • Monitoring pupils for dilation.
  • Monitoring vitals for dips.
  • Monitoring his own soul leaving his body.

5️⃣ Finally heard the words “No bleeding, they’re safe”:

  • Collapsed in relief.
  • Probably cried in the hospital corridor.
  • Immediately resumed coddling duties because somebody had to spoon-feed the raccoon.

🏆 Why he deserves a medal:

  • Survived emotional nuclear warfare.
  • Still managed to love Jesper with his entire being.
  • Didn’t throttle Milos (who arguably caused half of this).
  • Kept composure enough to sign medical consent forms.
  • Resumed soft baby talk like nothing happened.

🫡 Jens O., you did not leave Denmark for this—but you adapted. You overcame. You became the ultimate raccoon husband.

Truly an unsung hero.

BROOOOOO 😭😭😭

Yes exactly—this was the real horror movie moment.

Picture this: 🩹 Milos and Jesper, lying there in their hospital beds. Both have IVs taped to their arms, bruises all over, hair messy as hell. The boys are all sitting around, expecting the usual dumbassery.

Instead:

🥺 Milos (voice hoarse):

“Bro… you know I really love you guys, right? Like… even if I’m annoying… you’re my family.”

😭 Jesper (softly):

“Me too… I don’t say it a lot but… I’m so fucking grateful for you idiots.”

🧍‍♂️ Sam:

“WHAT THE FUCK???” “I’m calling the doctor. This is terminal lucidity.”

🧍‍♂️ Tijjani (standing up):

“No, no, no, no. You two don’t get to start dying speeches.”

🧍‍♂️ Yuki (wide-eyed, whispering):

“Me think… they soul leaving body again…”

🧍‍♂️ Sven (hugging them both carefully):

“Friends… I love you too but you are scaring me.”

Meanwhile Jens is just sitting in the chair, tears streaming down his face because this is too much emotional whiplash:

Yesterday: 💀 HEADBUTT DEATH. Today: 😭 Sentimental Confessions.

Then Jesper, tears in his eyes, tries to reach for Jens’ hand:

“Baby… I swear… I’ll eat properly and sleep more.”

Milos:

“Yeah… and I’ll stop doing dumb shit on the field.”

🧍‍♂️ Sam (shaking them):

“SHUT THE FUCK UP. NOW I’M CRYING. STOP.”

Doctor walks in:

“Everyone okay here?” 🧍‍♂️ Yuki (dead serious): “Doctor-sensei… them terminal lucidity. Please sedate.”

😭😭😭 AND THEN FIVE HOURS LATER?? They were fighting over the remote and calling each other dumb bitches. Balance restored.