Jens [12:03 PM]: does jesper have a type Sam [12:04 PM]: tall, danish, annoying apparently Jens [12:04 PM]: ok rude but promising
Jens [2:15 PM]: does he have an ex Sam [2:16 PM]: don’t think so why Jens [2:16 PM]: just wanna know who i’m up against Sam [2:17 PM]: ?? u up against logic and self-control
Jens [8:42 PM]: what’s his fav food Sam [8:43 PM]: why Jens [8:43 PM]: no reason [photo of him googling how to make spaghetti from scratch]
Jens [10:04 AM]: would u say jesper likes guys with tattoos Sam [10:05 AM]: what’s happening Jens [10:05 AM]: theoretically Sam [10:05 AM]: THEORETICALLY jesper is going to notice u keep staring at him during warmup
Jens [11:39 PM]: did he say anything about me today Sam [11:40 PM]: he said u ran fast Jens [11:40 PM]: that’s a compliment Sam [11:41 PM]: or an observation Jens [11:41 PM]: i’m taking it as a love confession
Jens [7:02 PM]: would jesper date a guy who never uses emojis but secretly saves every playlist he posts Sam [7:03 PM]: are u okay Jens [7:03 PM]: no
And eventually:
Sam [9:56 PM]: just talk to him u absolute coward Jens [9:56 PM]: i will. soon. maybe. Sam [9:57 PM]: jens it’s been 3 weeks and u’ve texted me 42 times
It started one afternoon when Jens and Yukinari were sat on the field post-training, swapping phrases like:
Jens: “How do I say... ‘I miss you’ in Japanese?” Yuki: “aishiteru... but strong. scary. too soon.” Jens: “Good to know. For no reason.” Yuki: “you like someone?” Jens: “...do I?” Yuki: “haha. secret love.”
Cue: Jesper glaring from the sidelines like he was a betrayed telenovela wife.
That night, Yuki’s phone lit up.
Jesper [9:02 PM]: why were u and jens giggling Yuki [9:03 PM]: we say funny things Jesper [9:03 PM]: what funny things Yuki [9:03 PM]: love secret Jesper [9:04 PM]: huh
Jesper [9:06 PM]: u know he doesn’t even understand u Yuki [9:07 PM]: he try Jesper [9:07 PM]: try less maybe
Yuki showed Jens the messages. Jens went “???” and Jesper showed up the next day like nothing happened. Fake smile. Eyes burning. Chewing his gum like it owed him rent.
But Jesper wasn’t done. Because the next victim?
Sven.
One (1) innocent practice. Jens said “goedemiddag” in slightly butchered Dutch and Sven laughed for a little too long.
And what does Jesper do?
Jesper [2:13 PM]: how fluent is your dutch again Sven [2:13 PM]: i’m literally dutch Jesper [2:14 PM]: then why are u giggling like an idiot at “goedemiddag” Sven [2:14 PM]: i thought it was cute Jesper [2:14 PM]: oh.
Jesper [2:15 PM]: also do u know if he’s using duolingo Sven [2:16 PM]: what the hell is going on Jesper [2:16 PM]: nothing
Jens, completely oblivious to the storm, texts Jesper the next day:
Jens [11:48 AM]: goedemiddag Jesper [11:49 AM]: delete duolingo Jens [11:49 AM]: u jealous??? Jesper [11:50 AM]: delete it now
Jesper to Yuki [10:48 PM]: "what do u and jens talk about so much" Yuki: "football. anime. love. cereal. he say milk first is crime" Jesper: "and you laugh at that?" Yuki: "he funny. he soft guy" Jesper: "huh. right. cool"
Jesper closed the chat. Stared at his wall. Then opened Sven's.
Jesper to Sven [11:03 PM]: "you and jens talk a lot too huh" Sven: "uh. yeah? we sit near each other in the locker room?" Jesper: "so what do u talk about" Sven: "…he told me he wants to learn dutch to impress someone. it’s cute" Jesper: "huh" Sven: "why are you asking me like you’re doing a background check"
Jesper [seen].
And THEN. Of course. Jens found out. Because Yuki and Sven both went to Jens like,
Yuki: “Your boyfriend is scary.” Jens: “???” Sven: “He interrogated me like I kissed you behind the cafeteria.”
And Jens was like wait. hold on. rewind. boyfriend? interrogated?
So naturally, that night, Jens texted Jesper:
Jens [12:11 AM]: "did u question my friends like a mob boss"
Jesper [12:13 AM]: "no"
Jens: "yuki said u were jealous" Jesper: "i’m not" Jens: "okay so if I go laugh with Sven again u won’t stab him" Jesper: "i’m not answering that"
Jens [12:16 AM]: "you like me or smth lol"
Jesper: "shut up"
Jens [12:17 AM]: "i’m not gonna shut up if u keep trying to fight everyone who talks to me" Jesper: "i was just wondering what u had in common" Jens: "and now u know it’s anime cereal and crime milk" Jesper: "god i hate u"
First: Jens tells Yuki (chaotic wholesome level: 9.9) Jens [sweating after training, sitting on bench near Yuki]: "bro can I tell you something" Yuki: "yes always"
Jens: "i think i like jesper" "like like like" "like. when he does the eye squint when he's trying not to smile i want to jump into the canal"
Yuki: "oh" "u like him fr" "he like tofu. calm face. but boiling inside" Jens: "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN" Yuki: "is compliment. he like u too. i think. or he stab me later idk" Jens: "cool thanks yuki. i think"
Yuki later texted Jesper exactly zero things but made at least 2 peace signs at him the next day. Jesper was like "??? why is yuki being so weird" (Yuki was normal. Jesper was spiraling.)
Then: Jens tells Sven (dramatic locker room edition) Jens [randomly sitting beside Sven, visibly distressed]: "sven. can i ask u a question" Sven: "…do i have a choice" Jens: "what if i said. like. what if i said i have a crush on jesper"
Sven [blinks. stands up. walks two steps. walks back. sits.]: "okay. i mean. okay. that’s not shocking. you look at him like he controls gravity" Jens: "i DO NOT—" Sven: "you do. last time he fixed his hair you sighed. sam and tijjani heard it. milos said you were down bad." Jens: "ok but don’t tell them" Sven: "so i can’t tell them?" Jens: "i swear to god" Sven: "fine. unless they guess it. then i’ll nod" Jens: "SVEN—"
That day Sven greeted Jesper with nothing but raised eyebrows and when Jesper was like "why are you looking at me like that", Sven just said "no reason" and walked away like he knew too much. Jesper knew something was up.
Meanwhile Jesper?? Still texting Yuki and Sven like:
Jesper [to Sven]: "what were you and jens laughing about on the field today" Sven: "weather" Jesper: "weather???" Sven: "he said it was ‘sunny with a chance of slay’ and I lost it" Jesper: "…i hate him" Jesper: "…also was that a dig at me" Sven: "jesper. do u want it to be a dig. or a flirt" Jesper: "SAY LESS."
[One day in July 2022 after training, Yuki approaches Jesper, serious face on but chaotic soul activated.]
Yuki: "Jesper. I tell you thing now." Jesper [suspicious]: "…okay?" Yuki: "You must open… eye." Jesper: "…my eyes are open?" Yuki [nods, very solemn]: "No. The heart eye. The eye in chest." Jesper: "What." Yuki [frustrated]: "The eye in here!" [points at Jesper’s sternum like he’s casting a spell] "You must see. Not look. See." Jesper: "Bro what are you even talking about." Yuki: "Someone want to give you fish." Jesper: "???"
Jesper stood there blinking like an idiot while Yuki walked away doing finger guns at the sky.
Jesper later spent two full hours wondering if that was slang for something. He eventually texted Sven: Jesper: “do u know if giving someone a fish is like. code. or a metaphor” Sven: “depends. did yuki say it” Jesper: “yes” Sven: “then yes. probably love” Jesper: “what the hell”
Yuki never clarified. Later, Jens gave Jesper a fish plushie he won at a fair. Jesper stared at it for five full minutes before whispering: “…oh my god.” Yuki watched from across the room, nodded once, and muttered to himself: “Eye open now.”
[Mid-August 2022, after another practice where Jesper avoided Jens' eyes for 90 minutes straight and then asked if anyone else “felt hot” even though it was 19°C.]
Yuki slides next to Jesper on the bench, sweat towel over his head like a monk.
Yuki: "Jesper. Again. I come to you now, as… love samurai." Jesper: "God, okay." Yuki: "You must not wait. You are fish. Jens is sushi chef. If you wait too long, you become… old fish." Jesper: "…what does that mean?!" Yuki [with utmost confidence]: "You are fresh now. Beautiful mackerel. Shiny! But if you not swim to him… you become supermarket fish." Jesper: "WHY WOULD I BE A FISH." Yuki: "Because love is sea." Jesper: "What the—"
[Later, in the locker room, Yuki attempts Round 2. Jesper tries to flee. Yuki blocks him.]
Yuki: "Do not escape. I am truth." Jesper: "Okay you gotta stop saying stuff like that—" Yuki: "You are shrimp. But big shrimp. Jumbo." Jesper: "Why am I shrimp this time—" Yuki: "Because you curl up. You are afraid. Jens is grill. He will make you warm. Nice. Delicious." Jesper [horrified]: "Stop cooking me." Yuki: "Then tell him you love him."
Jesper full-on froze. The room went silent. Sven dropped a water bottle. Tijjani blinked. Milos quietly whispered, “oh my god shrimp is gay”.
BONUS: The Team’s Reactions to Yuki’s Wisdom
Sven: “He’s either a genius or possessed.”
Sam: “That’s my prophet.”
Jens [who heard only ‘Jens is grill’]: “What the hell is happening and should I be flattered??”
[Late August 2022, locker room, Jens was sitting alone, tying and untying his cleats like a man in denial.]
Yuki approached with slow, deliberate footsteps. He sat down beside Jens like a mentor in a kung fu movie.
Yuki: "Jens. You must hear now. I give you... brain slap." Jens: "…alright?" Yuki: "You are tree. Strong. Big. Many leaf. But Jesper is rain. He make you alive. Without rain, you are… stick." Jens: "I’m sorry—am I the tree or the stick?" Yuki: "Yes." Jens: "What does that mean??" Yuki [completely serious]: "If you keep not tell him your heart, you will be dead bonsai." Jens: "That sounds kinda beautiful but extremely threatening."
[Later, Jens was pacing by the vending machine like it owed him money. Yuki came back with Part Two.]
Yuki: "Jesper is small fox. He look at you like forest." Jens: "Wait what??" Yuki: "But you—you are bear. Big. Strong. But stupid." Jens: "…thanks?" Yuki: "Bear must stop growl. Bear must hold fox." Jens [silently panicking]: "Yuki I think you're describing a food chain." Yuki: "NO. I describe destiny."
Jens after that conversation: Literally walked into practice, stared at Jesper across the pitch, and spent 45 full minutes thinking, am I the tree? Or the stick? Or the bear. Or a grilled shrimp.
BONUS: What Yuki whispered before The Accidental Confession at the Water Bottles
He passed Jens by, leaned in like a cryptic anime mentor, and muttered: "Become sushi… or regret forever."
Jens: "I can’t live like this anymore."
🌸 EXHIBIT A: Yuki vs Jesper-chan, the Blushing Shrimp [Scene: Cafeteria, July 2022. Jesper’s pushing mashed potatoes around. Yuki appears like a gentle ghost.]
Yuki-chan: “Jesper-chan... you look like... shrimp. Boiled.”
Jesper: “What?”
Yuki-chan (nodding deeply): “Face red. Heart soft. Brain... tempura.” “Jesper-chan... you see Jens-kun and forget how to breathe, ne?”
Jesper (turning more red): “No I—What are you talking ab—”
Yuki (seriously): “Is okay. In Japan, we say... even shrimp find fishcake.” “You are shrimp. Jens-kun is big fishcake. You two? Bento.”
Jesper: “Am I being called lunch?”
🌊 EXHIBIT B: Yuki vs Jens-kun, the Viking with Two Brain Cells and One Is Jesper [Scene: Team bus. Jens gazing out the window, thinking of Jesper again. Yuki slides into the seat like it’s fate.]
Yuki: “Jens-kun... you love Jesper-chan, ne?”
Jens (pretending to be innocent): “What? No I—”
Yuki (holding up finger): “In Japan, we say... man who lie to heart get... diarrhea of soul.”
Jens: “…Is that a proverb???”
Yuki (dead serious): “Yes. And you are sick.” “You need... confession medicine. Or you explode. Kaboom.”
Jens: “Ok thanks, I guess???”
🌸 EXHIBIT C: When They Both Refused to Get It [Scene: Training. Jens avoids Jesper. Jesper avoids eye contact. Yuki sees all. Yuki knows.]
Yuki (passing by both): “Shrimp. Viking. You two... stupid like sushi with no rice.” Sam (overhearing, snorting): “They are raw fish disasters.” Yuki (nodding to Sam): “Yes, Sam-san. But… we must believe. Even spoiled tuna can become meal.”
Sam: “…what the f—”
🏹 EXHIBIT D: Yuki whispers to the team like a holy gossip oracle Yuki: “Today I tell Subeni-chan… he laugh. I tell Tijjani-san… he nod. We all know… Jesper-chan look at Jens-kun like he die tomorrow.”
Sven: “Haiiiiii Yuki-chan 🥰”
Tijjani: “Did he just say they're in love?”
Yuki (clasping hands, looking at the sky): “Yes. Sky knows. Tree knows. Only Jens-kun not know.”
🍱 EXHIBIT E: Final Prophet Drop (pre-confession week) Yuki (to Jesper): "Jesper-chan… you are heart sushi. Jens-kun is wasabi. Too much… it hurt. But together… mmm. Taste of love."
Yuki (to Jens): “Jens-kun. Tell him. Or I throw you in river. Viking float, ne?”
Jesper & Jens (in unison): “…OKAY???”
🥋 THE BELIEVERS OF YUKI-SAMA: A TEMPLE OF SHRIMP-BASED WISDOM 🌊 Milos-kun: The quiet disciple. Never said much. But every time Yuki mumbled something like:
Yuki: “Jens-kun is Viking soba noodle. Jesper-chan is... egg.” “Together? Love ramen.”
Milos-kun: “…Yes.”
He’d just nod once. Slowly. Like a monk receiving a vision. Nobody knew if he understood or was just vibing. Either way, he stood by it.
🔥 Sam-san: THE AGENT OF CHAOS. Absolutely doubled down on the gospel of Yuki but added spice:
Yuki: “Jesper-chan boil inside like takoyaki. Need air.”
Sam: “Facts. He’s in love and allergic to his own feelings.”
Yuki would just nod approvingly and call him:
“Samu-san… sharp tongue. Kind soul.”
Sam: “…This is the weirdest compliment I’ve ever liked.”
💪🏼 Tijjani-kun: Fully bought in. Started quoting Yuki like scripture in the locker room.
Tijjani: “Yuki-sensei once told me: ‘Love is like tempura. Crunchy outside, soft inside.’ That’s how we treat each other, yeah?”
Jesper: “…Did he really say that??”
Yuki (from across the room, arms crossed like a sensei): “Hai.”
🧠 Subeni-chan (aka Sven): The translator. The chosen one. The only one who kinda understood the language and the vibes.
Sven: “Okay I think he’s saying Jens is too hot to handle but Jesper needs to stop hiding his feelings like a shrimp under rice.”
Yuki (pointing dramatically): “YES! Subeni-chan… you are my bridge. My sashimi of truth.”
Sven: “Haiiiiiiiii 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰”
💥 After Jesper and Jens FINALLY got together: The locker room turned into a shrine of celebration. Milos-kun solemnly nodded. Sam poured water on Jens and called it a baptism. Tijjani said he’d seen it coming for months. Sven cried. And Yuki just whispered:
“Sushi. Complete.”
Then vanished behind a curtain of steam from the physio room like a ghost mentor.
ABSOLUTELY. Prepare thy soul and sharpen thy chopsticks. 🥢
Here lies the Legendary Compilation of Yuki-Sensei’s Most Iconic, Soul-Bending, Deep-Fried Tempura Wisdoms™, delivered in broken Japanese English, understood only by the chosen one — Subeni-chan. The rest? Just stared in awe, confusion, or fear. Let us begin.
🍤 The Sacred Yuki-Sensei Scrolls of Romance and Rice 🍱
🥇 On Jensu-kun’s Feelings for Jesuperi-chan:
“Love is like bento. You hide wasabi under rice… but one bite, and WHOOSH — eye water.”
🧍♂️ Jesper: "…what does that mean." 🧍♂️ Samu-san: "You're the rice." 🧍♂️ Subeni-chan (nodding slowly): "…Jens is the wasabi." 🧍♂️ Tijjani-kun: “That’s deep I think.” 🧍♂️ Milosu-kun: emotionally stunned silence
🥈 On Jesper being jealous of Yukinari and Jens laughing together:
“Shrimp cannot hate soy sauce. They make taste together. But shrimp get shy.”
🧍♂️ Jesuperi-chan: “I’m the shrimp???” 🧍♂️ Yuki: bows deeply “Hai.” 🧍♂️ Jens: “Wait… am I soy sauce??” 🧍♂️ Subeni-chan: gasps “It all makes sense.” 🧍♂️ Milosu-kun: “I feel this in my heart.”
🥉 On one of Jesper and Jens’ thousand breakups:
“When udon break, still noodle. Can boil again. Add egg. Stronger.”
🧍♂️ Jensu-kun: “Did he just say we’re... reheated noodles??” 🧍♂️ Sam: “At least he didn’t call you leftover sushi.” 🧍♂️ Jesper: already crying 🧍♂️ Subeni-chan: “It means you’ll always find your way back to each other.” 🧍♂️ Tijjani: “Yuki's a damn poet.”
🎖️ On Jens being emotionally repressed:
“You have face of volcano. Smile like ice cream. But I hear rumble inside.”
🧍♂️ Jens: “…huh??” 🧍♂️ Subeni-chan: “You’re bottling everything.” 🧍♂️ Jesper: glares “SEE?? SEE????” 🧍♂️ Milosu-kun: “This is why I journal.”
🧧 On Jesper and his crush crisis, Alkmaar Era™:
“You watch soba boil but never taste. Why, Jesuperi-chan? Why no slurp?”
🧍♂️ Jesper: “...I’M NOT SLURPING ANYONE—” 🧍♂️ Sam: “Bold of you to assume you could.” 🧍♂️ Subeni-chan: “He means... just tell him.” 🧍♂️ Jesper: “Subeni don’t translate that.” 🧍♂️ Yuki: bows once, vanished into the physio room mist
🐚 On love itself:
“Love is takoyaki. Ball of confusion. But inside? Warm. Soft. Dangerous.”
🧍♂️ Everyone: absolutely speechless 🧍♂️ Milos-kun: “...I want love like that.” 🧍♂️ Jens (whispering): “I think I already do.”
📜 Final Words When They Finally Got Together:
“Sushi complete. Soy sauce and shrimp. Nori wrap. Roll forever.”
🧍♂️ Subeni-chan (wiping a tear): “Thank you, Yuki-sama.” 🧍♂️ Samu-san: “...I can’t even insult that. That was beautiful.” 🧍♂️ Tijjani-kun: “Someone write that down.” 🧍♂️ Jesper: “Are we seriously the shrimp and soy sauce again.” 🧍♂️ Jens: smiling softly “We are.”
🍡 WISDOM VS. VIOLENCE: A Comparative Study of Yuki-sama and Samu-san’s Love Coaching Approaches™
Topic of Intervention Yuki-sama (Zen Wisdom, Broken English) Samu-san (Violent Sarcasm, English With Bite)
🥲 When Jens was obviously in love but said "we're just friends" “Mmm... You hold rice in hand, but say it not rice. Why lie to hand?” “Oh yeah? Is that why you stare at him like he’s a sunrise made of abs?”
😒 When Jesper said he "wasn't thinking about Jens" “But you write his name in air with chopstick. Every time.” “You literally looked at his Insta story for 9 minutes, Jesper. 9. I timed it.”
🤝 When Jens and Jesper were both texting everyone else about each other but not each other “You have phone. You have thumbs. But you play Sudoku with heart?” “You two have the combined communication skills of a dead toaster.”
💔 After one of their mini-fights and they refused to talk “Even samurai put down sword for ramen. You too stubborn for noodle?” “This is like watching two potatoes ghost each other. Just talk, idiots.”
😤 When Jesper was obviously jealous about Yukinari or Sven “Jealousy is like wasabi on eye. Spice not belong there.” “It’s giving middle school theatre crush, babe. Relax.”
😬 When Jens said “he probably doesn’t like me back” “But he look at you like... cherry blossom fall slow. With love.” “HE. TEXTED. YOU. FIRST. You emotionally constipated Danish traffic cone.”
💬 When neither would confess anything for WEEKS “Confess not like bomb. Is more like... mochi. Scary, but soft.” “Are we waiting for a lightning strike or should I send a Google Form?”
🧘 Yuki’s final note on their love “Sushi take time. Roll slow. Press gentle. But when done… perfect bite.”
🧨 Sam’s final note “If y’all break up after all this build-up I’m changing my name and moving to Antarctica.”
💬 Team Feedback During These Interventions: Milosu-kun: “I genuinely learn more from Yuki than I do from books.”
Subeni-chan (Sven): nodding slowly to both approaches “I understand both… and fear both.”
Tijjani-kun: “Yuki speaks in puzzle boxes. Sam speaks in trauma.”
🥢 In Summary: Yuki-sama: Calm, poetic, metaphor-heavy, confusing but accurate. May reference rice 5x in one sentence. Healing like tea with too much ginger.
Samu-san: Ruthless, sarcastic, no-chill, emotionally violent but correct. Delivers truth like a slap with a glitter-covered frying pan.
Together? They formed the most emotionally deranged coaching duo Alkmaar never asked for but desperately needed. 🎭 SCENE: ALKMAAR TRAINING CENTER, A THURSDAY AFTERNOON [INT. LOCKER ROOM – CHAOS DIMMED BY SILENCE. Emotional tension thick like yogurt. Jens sits on the bench, scrolling mindlessly. Jesper paces near his locker. Both wearing the haunted expression of boys in emotional limbo.]
💥 Enter: Samu-san and Yuki-sama, simultaneously summoned by psychic distress. 🎤 SAMU-SAN’S CORNER (w/ Milosu-kun and Tijjani-kun as bystanders) Sam: storms up to Jens “Oh my god. Again? You’re still doing the 'he probably doesn’t like me' routine? Jens. JENS. He sent you a photo of his breakfast shaped like a heart. Accident? I THINK NOT.”
Jens: mutters “Yeah but he said it was just the shape of the yogurt...”
Sam: “NO. NO. You are not gaslighting yourself. Eat the damn yogurt of truth and TEXT HIM something that’s not 'good night 😴'!”
Tijjani (in the background): “Bro I saw Jesper send you a playlist called ‘For The Rainy Days’ and you called it 'vibey'. YOU CALLED IT VIBEY.”
Sam: “Literally everyone in this room is rooting for you two except YOU TWO. I’m exhausted. Milos is exhausted. God is exhausted.”
Milosu-kun: “Honestly I just want to do squats in peace again.”
🍵 YUKI-SAMA’S CORNER (w/ Subeni-chan whisper-translating) [Jesper is sitting on the physio table, chin in hand, spiraling quietly.]
Yuki-sama: approaches slowly, hands behind back like a traveling sage “Jesuperi-chan… The sea turtle waits long time for egg to hatch. But he still check beach.”
Jesper: “…Huh?”
Subeni-chan (helpfully): “I think he means... You can wait, but like… check on the boy. Emotionally. Not just ‘gm’.”
Yuki-sama: “You send light at morning. Shadow at night. But where is... soup of heart in afternoon?”
Jesper: eyes watering slightly “I don’t know what that means but it feels really true right now.”
Yuki-sama: “Love is not emoji. Is not ‘😴’. Is… bento. Handmade. Ugly, but made with shaking hand. Send bento, Jesuperi.”
Jesper: sniffles, nods “Okay I’ll send a voice note.”
🎶 [MONTAGE] — 3 MINUTES LATER Jesper records a voice memo that starts with “Hey so I miss when we talked more…” and ends with a laugh-snort.
Jens receives it and drops his water bottle in shock.
Sam punches the air in the hallway like he won a FIFA match.
Yuki-sama eats an onigiri peacefully in the corner, smiling.
Subeni-chan translates one last quote to Tijjani and Milos:
“He said: ‘When you don’t say anything, your heart starts saying too much.’” And everyone STOPS what they’re doing.
Jens [08:32] did u die
Jesper [08:37] no
Jens [08:37] interesting rehab ghosting now? that’s cool
Jesper [08:38] i slept thru my alarm
Jens [08:38] ok. sure. classic.
Jesper [08:39] ??
Jens [08:40] i came early with iced brown sugar boba extra pearls. low ice. your order. but no it’s fine. i drank it. it was mid. i suffered.
Jesper [08:41] you remembered my order???
Jens [08:41] ok relax
Jesper [08:41] ???
Jens [08:42] i have good memory not like it meant anything it’s just...you always order that and say “this one tastes like anxiety” so i assumed
Jesper [08:43] ok what
Jens [08:43] anyway i’m going home to die or nap idk text me if you wanna like idk talk about ligaments or trauma or ur feelings jk don’t
Jesper [08:44] you’re so weird
Jens [08:44] takes one to know one
Jesper [08:45] ok but like. do u wanna get boba later
Jens [08:45] i literally hate boba
Jesper [08:45] ???
Jens [08:46] what time
💔 “I LIKE YOU A LOT YOU WOULDN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND” — A Text Thread by Two Emotionally Incompetent Football Boys (ft. shrimp and viking energy) Jesper [21:47] are u mad at me or is that just ur face
Jens [21:48] my face has nothing to do with u
Jesper [21:49] ok but u ignored me in the hallway
Jens [21:49] i sneezed in the hallway
Jesper [21:50] that’s not an excuse 😭 i waved. i limped and waved. it took effort.
Jens [21:51] maybe i didn’t want to like see u too long
Jesper [21:51] what does that mean
Jens [21:51] what if i liked it
Jesper [21:52] JENS??
Jens [21:52] forget it
Jesper [21:52] no come back say it in danish maybe i’ll understand
Jens [21:53] nej
Jesper [21:53] asshole
Jens [21:54] ur pretty when ur mean
Jesper [21:54] BLOCKED
Jesper [00:12] hey do u think my knee’s gonna explode before friday or are u free to walk me to the grave
Jens [00:14] i’ll bring flowers ur favorite. those yellow dead ones.
Jesper [00:15] sunflowers????
Jens [00:15] yea. annoying and loud and way too sunny kinda like u
Jesper [00:15] rude thank u
Jens [02:01] i had a dream u tripped on air and died
Jesper [02:01] aww u miss me even in ur subconscious
Jens [02:01] no u landed on me. i couldn’t breathe. it was awful.
Jesper [02:02] romantic. send flowers next time
Jens [02:02] u like graveyard aesthetic. noted.
Jesper [02:02] 🤡
Jens [10:03] left u half a croissant on the table. don’t say i never cared
Jesper [10:05] did u take a bite
Jens [10:06] i was testing it for poison
Jesper [10:06] was it poisoned?
Jens [10:06] emotionally
Jesper [10:07] same
Jesper [23:59] g’night u better be asleep or else ur gonna overthink and spiral again
Jens [00:00] too late u just texted. i spiraled.
Jesper [00:01] ugh ok u win
Jens [00:01] what do i win
Jesper [00:01] me
Jens [00:02] figured
October 2 Jens: u still limping or what bc I can carry u I’m like strong or whatever
Jesper: i’m fine now lol?? are u offering to carry me to training
Jens: wdym offer that’s permanent
October 6 Jesper: i finished my rehab 🥹🦵
Jens: ok. idk why i want to cry rn but it’s probably unrelated
October 9 – post-training Jens: ur running faster stop that
Jesper: 😭😭😭 jealous?
Jens: no just can’t look away now hurts my eyes or something
October 11 – late night Jens: what songs r u listening to just so i can avoid them and not spiral
Jesper: what
Jens: nothing
October 14 – Jesper posts a pic of his cleats Jens: if u ever buy new cleats without telling me i’m gonna walk into the ocean
October 17 Jens: how do u stretch properly asking for a friend (me) who’s sore from guarding someone way too fast like jesus calm down
October 19 – Team dinner Jens: stop smiling at other people or i’ll do something insane like feel jealous which is illegal
October 22 – 01:17 AM Jens: u were limping all summer and now u’re here laughing and running and making me forget how to breathe that’s not fair
October 25 – when Jesper scores in a scrimmage Jens: ur annoying and loud and i’ve been waiting 3 months to see u happy like this again so now i’m gonna throw up
October 28 – post-cuddle, neither of them will admit they’re soft Jens: don’t make it weird but u’re the only person i’d share my fries with so maybe get used to that or whatever
October 31 – Halloween, Jesper sends him a pic of a black cat with a pumpkin
Jens: u sent this at 3am is this code do u miss me say u miss me rn or else i’ll put on the playlist
Jesper: ok i miss u 😭😭😭
Jens: good i’m already on “fallingforyou” by the 1975 we’re both doomed now
🧠 MILOSU-KUN (the braincell) Function: silent observer. chronic eyeroller. Reaction:
“They think they’re subtle. They are not. I’m logging this in my thesis titled ‘Two Tall Buffoons in Denial.’”
Has screenshots.
Has timelines.
Was the first to notice the matching cleats.
When Jesper said, “We’re just friends,” Milos deadpanned:
“Friends don’t stare at each other like that unless they’re in a Jane Austen novel.”
🎮 TIJJANI-KUN (the chaos assistant) Function: cannot mind his business. Reaction:
“I caught them staring at each other in the mirror room for 6 minutes straight. No talking. Just vibes.”
Purposefully makes one (1) romantic comment a day to stir the pot.
Once asked Jens if he and Jesper wanted to be registered as a pair in FIFA squad mode.
Brought popcorn to the "are we dating?" silence week.
🗣️ SAMU-SAN (king of unsolicited commentary) Function: insult generator. Reaction:
“You both text like you’re in a Wattpad novel but can’t even make eye contact at breakfast. I’m gonna kick a ball at your heads.”
Called Jens “Romeo but Danish and constipated.”
Told Jesper “Your Spotify Wrapped’s gonna be Jens’ face.”
Would read their texts aloud in team group chat with captions like:
“Today’s episode of Shrimp Loves Himbo: Confusion Edition.”
🧃 SVEN-CHAN / SUBENI-CHAN (supportive golden retriever energy) Function: baby. doesn’t understand. supports anyway. Reaction:
“I think they are boyfriends? Or maybe friends? But they smile a lot when they see each other. So. Love?”
Keeps cheering for them without knowing what he’s cheering for.
Gave Jesper a cookie once and said, “For you and Jens-chan to share!!”
Everyone cried a little.
🥋 YUKI-SAMA (resident prophet, misunderstood legend) Function: drops one line of wisdom per week. incomprehensible. Reaction:
“When swan loves crane, sky becomes pond.”
Sam screamed when he said that.
Jesper said “wait what” and Jens muttered “yeah okay” and actually understood.
Yuki bowed once and said,
“Love is like ramen—slow boil, much flavor. But eat too fast, you burn tongue.” Then walked away without context.
BONUS SCENE: The Locker Room Tijjani: “Bro you’re literally glowing after Jesper scored. Do you need SPF or a therapist?” Jens: “Shut up.” Sam: “I’m not saying they’re dating but if they start cuddling on the bus again I’m unplugging the aux.” Milos: “Already making the spreadsheet. Row 12: October 23rd—Jesper gave Jens half a gummy worm.” Yuki (appears):
“When koi fish swim against tide… love is born.” Sven: “…haiii 🥺” Jesper (entering): “Did someone say koi fish?”
OH MY GOD YES WELCOME TO THE JENS ARCHIVES (DRY-ASS LOVESICK VIKING EDITION™) aka the exact 300 texts Jens sent Jesper between matchdays in October-November 2022 when Jesper was back from injury and scoring like a man who had something to prove (and someone to kiss eventually). Jens? He was crumbling inside and texting like a fridge.
Let’s get into it. Buckle in.
📂 JENS → JESPER
[Matchday 1 | Jesper Goal x2, Assist x1]
- "saw ur run. clean."
- "good on that first goal btw"
- "2nd one was 20% luck 80% leg power."
- "team was hyped."
- "i pretended i wasn't but i was."
- "kinda annoying ur fast again."
- "proud of u. not saying that out loud. this is ur one chance."
- "hydrate tho."
📂 JENS → JESPER
[Matchday 2 | Jesper Assist x2 (both to Jens), Jens Goal x2]
- "we cooked."
- "ur pass was surgical. rude tbh."
- "i didn’t even ask. u just knew."
- "u wanna read minds or something?"
- "i’m telling milos u cheat at football."
- "btw ur celly was dumb. u pointed at me?? why."
- "that was sick. do it again."
📂 JENS → JESPER
[Random Tuesday Afternoon]
- "u done w training?"
- "asking bc milos wants to know"
- "i don’t care" (he cared.)
- "ok but like. do u wanna go boba later. for hydration. for science."
📂 JENS → JESPER
[Matchday 3 | Jens Assist to Jesper, Jesper scores, chaos ensues]
- "i saw u smile after scoring. u should stop doing that."
- "it's distracting. looked dumb."
- "ok fine. it looked good. but still. illegal."
- "i rewatched that pass 4 times btw."
- "might have been my best."
- "ur finish was better tho. don’t let it go to ur head."
📂 JENS → JESPER
[3am Text]
- "u looked happy today on the pitch."
- "it's been a while since u looked like that."
- "keep doing it."
(3 minutes later)
- "btw drink water."
📂 JENS → JESPER
[Jesper Scores Hat-trick, Jens On Bench Due to Minor Injury]
- "u’re showing off."
- "i saw that 3rd goal. u really did a no-look. clown."
- "milos said u were glowing. stop that."
- "also. ur stupid little celebration wink. don’t wink. it’s rude."
- "also u looked kinda cool. whatever."
- "if u post this on ur story i’m blocking u."
📂 JENS → JESPER
[Jesper Posts It On His Story]
- "BLOCKED."
- (2 seconds later)
- "jk. nice angle on the first goal. who took the photo?"
📂 JENS → JESPER
[Post-training]
- "left ur water bottle again. clown."
- "told u already i’ll not carry it again."
- (photo of water bottle in Jens' hand)
- "ok maybe once more."
📂 JENS → JESPER
[After Jesper trips mid-game but saves the ball anyway]
- "ur legs are chaos."
- "i don’t get how u almost fall and still pass perfect."
- "physics? not real?"
- "impressive tho. idiot."
📂 JENS → JESPER
[After win. Jesper smiles at Jens during handshake line.]
- "stop looking at me like that."
- "i have feelings and weak knees. idiot."
📂 JENS → JESPER
[Entire Chat History From One Night]
- "gg"
- "gn"
Jesper: "that’s it??"
Jens:
- "ok"
- "also"
- "ur eyes were weirdly shiny today"
- "in a good way"
- "don’t ask what i mean i’m deleting this"
📂 BONUS: VOICE NOTE FROM JENS (never sent)**
“you keep playing like this and i’m gonna—never mind. gn.”
📂 HOW MANY OF THESE EXIST?
At least 300+. Because Jens? He didn’t say “I love you” — he said:
- “hydrate.”
- “ur feet are fast again. annoying.”
- “stop being pretty on the pitch i’m trying to focus.”
- “gg.”
- “gn.”
- And one time, even:
“i got boba. ur fav. don’t ask how i know.”
YESSS THE SHRIMP IS HERE 🦐 COMING IN HOT like he just got a hug from Jens mid-match and blacked out for 0.3 seconds but came back to life to send 13 spiraling messages at once.
Welcome to:
📲 JESPER: SHRIMP EDITION™
aka: “if I send this will he think I like him?? no wait I’ll send it. wait no I’ll send another one right after to make it normal.”
These are real (emotionally), taken from the October 2022 archives when Jesper was healed, thriving, and wildly not okay because Jens texted “gg” with no punctuation and it made Jesper insane.
📂 JESPER → JENS
[After Matchday 2, when Jens scored off Jesper’s assist]
- "did u like the pass or was it mid"
- "i had like 4 options but u waved at me like a maniac"
- "i thought ur arms were cramping again lol"
- "but then u scored"
- "so"
- "u can keep waving"
(2 min later)
- "unless u think that pass was mid. then i’ll never wave again."
📂 JESPER → JENS
[3:19am]
- "you played rly well today btw"
- "not just the goal"
- "just"
- "in general"
- "you were like. glowing??"
- "ok forget i said that"
- "gn"
(3:25am)
- "i didn’t mean like glowing glowing"
- "just"
- "you looked happy"
- "ok i’m deleting this in the morning"
📂 JESPER → JENS
[Post-training run-in]
- "did u take my hoodie????"
- "the grey one"
- "with the stain on the sleeve. like that means anything to u. nvm"
(1 hour later)
- "nvm i found it. u didn’t take it."
- "but would u have if u saw it"
- "idk just wondering"
- "it looks better on me anyway"
📂 JESPER → JENS
[Jesper scored a banger in front of Jens]
- "did u see it"
- "u were like. watching."
- "i saw u watching."
- "u smiled?? did u smile or was it wind in ur face"
- "do u even know how much that made my brain explode??"
- "don’t answer that"
📂 JESPER → JENS
[Dry Jens Text: “hydrate.”]
- "is that ur love language"
- "bc like. i’m hydrated now but emotionally parched"
- "hydrate urself first coward"
- "what does this mean jens"
- "do u say this to sven. do u tell MILOS to hydrate. HUH."
(30 seconds later)
- "ok u probably do tell milos that"
- "but do u look at him like that??"
- "yeah. that’s what i thought."
📂 JESPER → JENS
[Jesper being 🧍 after Jens left training early]
- "i didn’t even get to do the thing"
- "the handshake thing"
- "u know the handshake we don’t have but maybe we were developing one slowly over time subconsciously"
- "u LEFT"
- "rude"
📂 JESPER → JENS
[Dry Jens Text: “gg”]
- "why are u texting like a dad"
- "say good game with some EMOTION u scandinavian cabinet"
- "was it good?? like really?? or just fine??"
- "are u trying to be cool"
- "it’s working. i’m mad."
📂 JESPER → JENS
[Jesper, watching Jens get tackled on the pitch the next match]
- "r u ok"
- "u looked like u DIED"
- "and then u got up and did the no-look pass like a villain"
- "r u ACTUALLY ok tho"
- "do u need ice"
- "do u need me to bring the ice. like. to ur house. like. with snacks or something"
📂 JESPER → JENS
[Most Jesper Texts Actually]
- "i’m normal"
- "ok maybe not"
- "but u started it"
📲 POST-MATCH: JESPER → JENS [Sent 0.0001 seconds after getting back to his room]
"u didn’t come celebrate"
"coward"
"everyone was screaming like it was a jungle in there"
"but u. u were the reason i scored"
"u didn’t even SMILE. u just jogged back like ur job was done."
"was that cool or r u just dramatic"
"ok it was cool"
📲 JENS → JESPER [22 min later, dry as hell like always]
"u scored. that’s what matters."
"don’t care who celebrates"
"also that goal was hot"
📲 JESPER → JENS "OKAY"
"YOU DON’T GET TO SAY 'THAT GOAL WAS HOT' AND THEN GO RADIO SILENT"
"U PASSED THAT BALL LIKE U WERE POSSESSED"
"I MISSED A PENALTY AND I FELT LIKE I SWALLOWED A CHAIR"
"AND THEN U JUST. RAN FOR IT. FOUGHT FOR IT. PASSED IT BACK TO ME."
"AND I SCORED"
"AND U. LEFT ME WITH MILOS WHO TRIED TO LIFT ME WITH ONE ARM"
"r u crazy????"
"are we crazy???????????????"
📲 JENS → JESPER "u kissed me in the tunnel"
"was that crazy?"
📲 JESPER → JENS "ok shut up"
"no like literally shut up"
"i’m screaming"
"goodbye"
(1 minute later)
"no wait come back"
"i’m not done"
📲 JESPER → JENS [2:04am]
"did it look good from your angle?"
"the goal. the one u gave me."
"i’m rewatching it and i keep pausing when u passed it"
"how did u know i’d be there"
"like i MISSED the penalty. but u still passed it to me. u fought for it like u KNEW i’d fix it."
"u believed in me"
"that’s illegal"
📲 JENS → JESPER "i never stopped believing in u"
"even when u missed"
"especially when u missed"
"that’s when u needed someone to pass it back to u"
📲 JESPER → JENS "ok i am never recovering from that"
"i’m gonna spiral now"
"i’m literally gonna cry. if anyone asks. no they didn’t."
"i’m sleeping in ur hoodie"
"don’t make that face i know u smiled"
"stop smiling it’s disgusting i love it"
📲 JENS → JESPER "i smiled"
📲 JESPER → JENS [Last message before he passed out at 3am]
"u saved my goal"
"and maybe my heart a little bit too"
"ok ew delete that"
"or don’t"
"gn"
Meanwhile: Group chat was popping OFF. Milos: “ok who’s kissing in the tunnel like this is high school musical” Tijjani: “if u kiss post-match at least make it less obvious we’re on camera” Yuki: “i saw nothing” Sam: “i saw everything. u owe me food.” Sven: “they were smiling so hard on the bus it gave me heartburn”
THE MATCH™ SCENE (LIVE FROM HELL AKA THE PITCH) Minute 83: Penalty. Jesper walks up. Misses. Goalkeeper punches it out. Jesper looks like someone just unplugged his entire brain. He’s frozen. Devastated. It’s quiet in his head but the stadium’s roaring. He doesn’t move. Sven starts to run. Milos too. But Jens— JENS. Jens fucking launches. Like he was programmed for this one mission. He wins the ball in a tackle that should've cost him a rib. Twists. Turns. Glances once. Jesper’s still there. Frozen. He passes.
Jesper scores.
Jesper scores and crumples to his knees. The whole team SWARMS him. Milos tries to throw him. Sven punches the air. Sam's losing his mind. Jens? Jogging back. Calm. Like of course he did that.
THE TUNNEL: Minutes after full-time Jesper finds him. Jens is taking off his tape. Jesper stares. Still breathless. Still stunned. And he says: “Why do you always save me?”
Jens shrugs. “You saved it yourself.”
Jesper walks up, grabs his collar, and kisses him.
Like he needed to. Like it was the only way to say thank you. And Jens—Jens kisses back like that goal had already said it all. They pull away when a staff member walks by and coughs like I saw nothing but I know everything.
Jesper whispers, “I thought I was gonna break.”
Jens just murmurs, “I won’t let you.”
THE BUS: The Aftermath of Zoo Animals Jesper’s cheeks are STILL pink. He’s got his knees up to his chest, hoodie hood over his head like a crime scene witness. Jens is next to him. Headphones in. Calm face. Looking out the window.
But their pinkies are touching. Every few minutes Jesper peeks at him. Then away. Then again. Finally, he taps Jens’ knee and types on his phone. Then slides it over.
📲 JESPER’S NOTE: "thank u for fighting for the ball like your life depended on it"
"i think it did"
"i think mine did too"
"i think u saved me today in a way i can't explain"
"again"
Jens reads. Types. Hands the phone back.
📲 JENS’ NOTE: "i was never letting u leave that pitch thinking u failed"
"u never fail"
"u just need someone to pass it back sometimes"
Jesper looks like he’s gonna cry.
He takes Jens’ hand under the seat.
GROUP CHAT (20 minutes later) Milos: ok who kissed in the tunnel Sam: jesper’s smiling like a disney princess on meds rn Tijjani: i saw the hand holding on the bus. y’all aren’t slick. Yuki: this is better than netflix Sven: i hope u know we’re all talking about u. right now. in real time.
“Not Officially Dating But Also Get Out of Our Way” (November 2022 PDA Era) 1. Matching Cleats Moment (ft. Milos’ slow mental decline) Milos notices Jens and Jesper lacing up their identical cleats before training.
Milos: “Y’all bought the same cleats?”
Jesper (grinning): “He did it first.”
Jens (not denying it): “They’re good cleats. Also they’re lighter. He has short legs.”
Jesper (offended): “They’re proportionate.”
Milos (leaving): “I’m too old for this.”
- Group Chat Check-In Gone Wrong
Yuki:
where’s jesper?? he was gonna send the playlist
Jens (2 seconds later):
still in rehab room they had to change the resistance band he had the red one but it snapped he took the apple from the physio table he didn’t like it he’ll be out in like 8 min he said
Yuki:
okay stalker????
Sam:
you’re literally using airtag technology aren’t you
- Film Room PDA
They’re watching match footage. Jesper’s sitting normally. Jens is sitting like he thinks he's subtle — leg stretched behind Jesper’s chair, casually stealing sips from Jesper’s drink bottle.
Coach (not looking up): “You two can at least pretend there’s a professional boundary.”
Jens: “We play better when we’re hydrated.”
Coach: “I meant the foot on his chair.”
- Sam Gets Unintentionally Scarred Jesper asks Jens if he can borrow his hoodie. Jens pulls one from his locker, still warm.
Jens (handing it over): “This one’s better. The other one still smells like your shampoo.”
Sam: “WHY do you know what his shampoo smells like.”
Jens (dead serious): “Because he showers in my apartment, Samuel.”
Sam (leaving the locker room): “God is watching you and He’s shaking His head.”
- Pre-Match Tunnel Chaos They’re lining up before kickoff.
Jesper (fidgeting): “I forgot my gum.”
Jens (already chewing): spits his out, offers his second piece wordlessly
Jesper (accepting like it's totally normal): “You’re a lifesaver.”
Tijjani (to Sven, whispering): “They’re gonna make out if we win, aren’t they.”
Sven: “They’ll make out if we lose.”
- Post-Match Interview Setup
Reporter: “What’s the secret to today’s link-up success between you and Jesper?”
Jens (not even blinking): “We spend a lot of time together. On and off the pitch.”
Jesper (winking in the background): “He knows what I’m gonna do before I do.”
Milos (to Sam): “Do you think if we bark at them they’ll stop.”
Sam: “No. They’ll just kiss and make you film it.”