AZ BUBBLY BOYS — GROUPCHAT THREAD (September 2022, Alkmaar)
Sam: can i say something or is the sexual tension gonna beat me to it
Sven: say it babe. drama hour is open
Sam: jens and jesper are in love and it’s killing the vibe
Yukinari: finally
Milos: free us from this emotional hostage situation
Tijjani: y’all been playing footsie at team dinners since July
Jesper: ok relax we’re just friends?? lol??
Jens: y’all always exaggerating
Sam: bro you literally gave him your last protein bar yesterday and called him shrimp with a capital S
Yukinari: and don’t act like y’all didn’t slow dance in the kitchen after practice once
Sven: that was my playlist btw. ur welcome
Milos: just say you’re dating and let the team groupchat heal
Jesper: we’re NOT
Jens: he just crashes at mine sometimes and we share shampoo and socks but like chill
Sam: you got mad when he went to get coffee with sven
Jesper: no i didn’t
Sven: he didn’t even drink it. just stared into the cup like it betrayed him
Jens: i didn’t know he hated oat milk
PRIVATE DIARY — JESPER (September 8) Jens laughed at something Yukinari said and I wanted to launch myself into the sun. Why am I like this. It’s not even jealousy. It’s just… okay it’s jealousy. He called me shrimp again but softer. Like fondly? Is that a sign? Why do we sleep next to each other but still pretend like nothing's happening? I want to scream into a boot.
PRIVATE DIARY — JENS (September 9) Jesper wore my hoodie again. Didn’t even ask. I pretended to complain but he looked good in it. He kept chewing the drawstring. I think that means something. He didn’t text me goodnight yesterday and it was genuinely the worst part of my day. What if he doesn’t actually like me? What if I ruin everything? What if he DOES like me and I waste this?
AZ BUBBLY BOYS — GROUPCHAT (September 12)
Sam: who tf keeps playing "drivers license" on the locker room speaker
Sven: it's been alternating with "the night we met"
Tijjani: they’re communicating through sad girl autumn
Milos: i saw jens scrolling through jesper’s old ig posts like his life depended on it
Yukinari: and jesper made a playlist called “weird crush” and put taylor swift next to radiohead. he’s sick
Sam: it’s all giving year 10 romance breakdown
Jesper: i don’t know what you guys are talking about
Jens: same. anyway who’s bringing snacks for movie night
Sven: u two can bring ur delusions
SPOTIFY ACTIVITY — MIDNIGHT SEPTEMBER 13
- Jens is listening to “Fallingforyou” by The 1975 on loop
- Jesper is listening to “Heather” followed by “Invisible String” followed by “Someone You Loved”
- Sven screenshot it all and dropped it in the groupchat with the caption: “get married or get out”
PRIVATE DIARY — JESPER (September 14) He stopped texting as much. Maybe I was too obvious? Maybe he knows and doesn’t feel the same. I went out with someone else last night but I just kept comparing them to Jens. And Jens posted a story with that Olivia Rodrigo song. I think it was for me. Or I hope it was. I hope I didn’t fuck it up.
PRIVATE DIARY — JENS (September 14) He looked so good yesterday. And he laughed at someone else's joke too long. And I got jealous and then mad at myself for getting jealous. I almost texted him "I miss you" but deleted it. Why can't I just say something. Why can't he. Why are we doing this.
AZ BUBBLY BOYS — GROUPCHAT (September 15)
Sam: it’s been two days of cold shoulders and weird eye contact. i’m gonna scream
Sven: the team energy is rotting from the inside out. pls fix it
Yukinari: they need to either fight or make out
Milos: i say we lock them in the kit room with one chair and one blanket
Tijjani: it’s so obvious they love each other they just refuse to say it first
Sam: im making a betting pool. who’s in
Jesper: ok wtf
Jens: u guys are insane
Sam: and u guys are cowards
The groupchat falls silent.
Until September 17, 1:14 AM, when Jesper texts Jens separately:
Jesper → Jens: i can’t keep doing the almost thing. either we’re something or we’re not.
Jens: i thought i was the only one feeling like this
Jesper: no. you weren’t.
Jens: then let’s stop being idiots
Jesper: come over?
Jens: i’m already outside
And that was the night it broke.
(And Sam updated the groupchat with: “THEY FINALLY KISSED. I WIN THE BET. EVERYONE PAY UP.”) Jens: hey how do u pronounce your name? like "yes-per" or "jesp-er" or like... jesus + pepper
Jesper: ok that’s a new one Jesper: it’s yes-per
Jens: cool. ok yes-per. got it. sorry if i said it wrong like 5 times today
Jesper: you said "jasper" once
Jens: i panicked
Jesper: valid
Jesper: what year u born
Jens: 1999. march
Jesper: oh
Jesper: i’m older than you
Jens: by 8 months
Jesper: still counts
Jens: do i have to call u hyung now
Jesper: i’ll block you
Jens: u believe in star signs
Jesper: depends
Jens: is leo + aries a good match
Jesper: HAHA
Jens: asking for a friend
Jesper: tell your friend to chill
Jesper: also yes
Jens: u like dogs or cats
Jesper: cats
Jens: hmm
Jesper: you?
Jens: allergic to cats
Jesper: tragic
Jesper: guess we can’t be together
Jens: guess not
Jesper: this is the saddest enemies to lovers plot ever
Jens: if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple
Jesper: i’m blocking you again
Jesper: have you ever cried watching a movie
Jens: i don’t cry
Jesper: lies
Jens: okay the fox in zootopia got me
Jesper: i knew it
Jesper: you’ve got disney crybaby face
Jens: you’ve got soft heart detector radar huh
Jesper: shut up
Jesper: can’t believe i have to see u every day now
Jens: you're the one who gave me your number
Jesper: and i regret it every second
Jesper: especially when u send me tiktoks at 3am
Jens: they’re important. they’re educational
Jesper: i’m gonna report you to the coaching staff
Jesper: hey
Jens: hey
Jesper: you posted an ig story with “some” by niall horan
Jens: yeah
Jesper: interesting choice
Jens: again. asking for a friend
Day 4 of knowing each other
Jens: how tall are you
Jesper: 1.71
Jens: short king
Jesper: fight me
Jens: i’d have to squat
Jesper: i hope you get benched
Jesper: ok this is life or death
Jesper: waffles or pancakes
Jens: …
Jens: that’s like choosing between u and milos
Jesper: what
Jesper: waffles it is
Jens: would u rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or 1 horse-sized duck
Jesper: is this flirting
Jens: depends on your answer
Jesper: the horse duck
Jens: marry me
Jesper: ur insane
Jens: dangerously charming
Jesper: do u snore
Jens: you trying to sleep next to me or what
Jesper: i was gonna make fun of you
Jens: oh
Jens: no i don’t snore
Jesper: disappointing
Jesper: do u drink coffee
Jens: yes but only if someone brings it to me
Jesper: wow
Jesper: born to be pampered
Jens: born to be loved actually
Jesper: alright calm down swiftie
Jens: if we were stuck on a deserted island who do u think would die first
Jesper: me. because you’d eat me
Jens: wow you think i’d eat you before i even fall in love with you
Jesper: …
Jesper: interesting
Jesper: do you know your love language
Jens: idk sarcasm and backhanded compliments
Jesper: classic aries
Jens: what’s yours
Jesper: calling you an idiot affectionately
Jens: wow we’re soulmates
Jesper: serious question
Jesper: how many pushups can you do
Jens: more than you
Jesper: i’ll test that
Jens: are we flirting or joining the army what is this
Jens: if you were a sandwich what kind would you be
Jesper: caprese Jens: gay
Jesper: thanks
Jens: i mean that as a compliment
Jesper: i took it as one. mozzarella and tomato is peak romance
Jesper: you know you’re weird right
Jens: pot calling the kettle hot
Jesper: what
Jens: wait i messed that up
Jesper: i’m never letting that go
Jens: you ever just stare at the ceiling and think about how birds don’t know what soup is
Jesper: are you ok
Jens: i think i like you
Jesper: i think you need sleep
And then one night…
Jesper: are you listening to “Sunflower” by Post Malone at 1am
Jens: yeah
Jesper: …
Jesper: okay.
JULY 2022: The Dumb Beginnings
Jens [18:42] hey how do u pronounce your name actually (jesper like yes-per or yesssper)
Jesper [18:44] yes like yes sir
Jens [18:45] yes sir indeed
Jesper [18:45] oh god
Jens [18:46] sir yes sir
Jesper [18:47] ok ur banned from texting
Jesper [21:33] what year were u born again
Jens [21:35] 1999 march why
Jesper [21:36] no reason just wanna know how many months i got on u (july 1998 btw)
Jens [21:37] oh ok grandma
Jesper [21:38] ok grandchild
Jens [21:38] wait does that make us leo and aries
Jesper [21:39] don’t start
Jens [21:39] i googled it it says fire signs?? we compatible??
Jesper [21:40] it says we’re a 🔥 disaster
Jens [21:40] sexy
Late July: Upgrade to Questionable Banter
Jesper [23:03] u still awake
Jens [23:04] no im sleep-texting
Jesper [23:05] ok good just wanted to say ur hair was extra blond today like a highlighter
Jens [23:06] wow thx u looked like a shrimp
Jesper [23:07] i will take that as affection
Jens [23:07] it was
August 1st: Getting Dangerous
Jesper [22:14] do u think ppl can tell we’re texting all the time
Jens [22:14] nah we’re discreet
Jesper [22:15] we texted 107 times today
Jens [22:16] oh
Jesper [22:17] we literally talked for 9 hours straight
Jens [22:17] ok but did u die
Jesper [22:18] no kinda felt like flying
Jens [22:18] jesper
Jesper [22:19] jens
Jens [22:19] goodnight before i say something stupid
Jesper [22:20] what if i like when u say stupid things
AUGUST 7TH: TENSION BREWING
Jesper [12:44] u’re quiet today
Jens [12:47] just tired
Jesper [12:47] from what
Jens [12:48] u
Jesper [12:48] ok
Jesper [13:11] …r u mad
Jens [13:24] no
Jesper [13:24] ok ur lying
Jens [13:26] i’m not mad just figuring shit out
Jesper [13:27] figuring what out
Jens [13:32] idk man
Jesper [13:33] ok
AUGUST 10TH: SLOW FADE
Jens [16:02] u going to sven’s thing later?
Jesper [16:04] nah
Jens [16:05] ok
Jesper [16:06] u?
Jens [16:07] idk
Jesper [16:08] cool
Jens [16:09] cool
(the vibes? poisoned.)
AUGUST 13TH: SPOTIFY STAREDOWN
Jens listening to: "I Bet On Losing Dogs" – Mitski Jesper: "illicit affairs" – Taylor Swift No one texting. Everyone pacing. Yukinari told them to go outside and touch grass. They ignored him.
AUGUST 15TH: SHARED SPACE, SILENT SPIRALING
Group hang in town square. Everyone’s laughing. Jens is talking to Milos. Jesper’s sitting next to Sam, smiling with his mouth, not his eyes. Jens glances over. Jesper sees it. Neither says a word.
AUGUST 18TH: 02:41AM
Jesper [2:41] do u think we’re ruining it
Jens [2:43] ruining what
Jesper [2:43] whatever this is
Jens [2:46] maybe
Jesper [2:47] ok
Jens [2:48] do u want to stop
Jesper [2:49] no do u?
Jens [2:50] no but idk what we’re doing
Jesper [2:51] me neither but i miss u when u’re quiet
Jens [2:52] im scared of messing this up whatever this is
Jesper [2:53] ok then we’re both scared but i still like u
Jens [2:54] yeah me too like u i mean
August 19th: back to silence.
Tijjani: “I SWEAR TO GOD if I have to witness one more wordless look between you two I’m gonna bench myself.”
Milos: “Get a room. Or therapy.”
Sven: “Make it both.”
Sam, in the groupchat: Sam [20:11] hey can u two finally admit u wanna kiss each other or should we schedule an intervention
Jens left the chat. Jesper reacted “HAHA” …with a heart.
YES THEY DID. Absolute rite of passage for two repressed flirty idiots. Timeline:
Late July 2022 — Alkmaar Dorms, probably around 10:49PM, post-dinner but pre-flirting meltdown
[Text thread]
Jens: hey when’s ur birthday Jesper: 25 july 98 why Jens: huh i’m 31 march 99. Jesper: okay and? Jens: just making sure u’re a leo and not like. a capricorn Jesper: why what’s wrong with capricorns Jens: nothing if u’re my cousin Jesper: wow Jesper: what am i like then Jens: loud. annoying. hot. probably uses astrology apps unironically Jesper: …how many of those are complaints Jens: depends. do u have co-star Jesper: i had it for a week last year shut up Jesper: wait what are you Jens: aries Jesper: wait isn’t that like enemies to lovers Jens: we’re not lovers Jesper: we’re not enemies either Jesper: Jens: Jesper: anyway i’m deleting co-star again
Cut to Jens upstairs in his room texting his sister Anna
Jens: hey do leo + aries match Anna: i KNEW IT Anna: what’s his name Jens: shut up just tell me Anna: when did u turn gay Jens: i didn’t turn gay he’s just… like that Anna: SO WHAT’S HIS NAME Jens: don’t tell mom Anna: bitch you owe me 3 bubble teas
Meanwhile Jesper sits on the floor of the balcony in Alkmaar, texting Simon
Jesper: hey random but if i hypothetically like. liked guys Simon: welcome to the club. mom always said u had theatre kid energy Jesper: shut UP Jesper: but like if i was gay fr do u think mom would freak Simon: bro mom cut ur pacifier when u were 4 and u didn’t talk to her for 3 weeks Simon: she knew Jesper: you were FIVE and still sucked it Simon: ok but mine was for fun. yours was for coping Jesper: blocked
Back to Jens & Jesper separately ...spiraling. Listening to 3 sad songs and 5 chaotic ones a night. Googling "leo x aries compatibility" and feeling something every time it says "passionate disaster" or "perfect match if they don’t kill each other first."
They don’t even know each other’s middle names yet. But both are now convinced the stars aligned. For trauma. And boy crushes. And gay awakening #42.
YES YES YES this is the canon experience of every tragic teenage Year 10 romance disguised as football teammates in denial. Let’s go:
Late July 2022: Texting 10x a day, absolutely no topic, vibes only.
Jesper: do u think fruit flies think abt fruit the way we think abt love Jens: what the fuck Jesper: i’m just asking questions Jens: ok then answer mine. how many pigeons do u think u could fight before u die Jesper: depends. do i get armor Jens: no. u get guilt. they have trauma Jesper: shit i’d fold at 3 Jesper: hey what’s ur spotify now Jens: u saw it 2 minutes ago Jesper: yeah but what about now Jens: still taylor swift Jesper: u were listening to ariana yesterday Jens: u were stalking me?? Jesper: u liked my IG story with “cherry wine” on it Jens: THAT SONG WAS SO OBVIOUS Jesper: u’re lucky i didn’t post perfume genius Jens: i would’ve flown home
Meanwhile: Anna.
She’s watching. She’s lurking. She's collecting screenshots like Pokémon.
Anna texts Jens:
Anna: just saw his IG Anna: not to be heteronormative but he’s lowkey pretty Anna: like girl-pretty Jens: girl-pretty??? Anna: i’m saying u’re not that gay for liking him Jens: that’s not how that works anna Anna: relax i support u i’ll help u pick matching outfits for ur wedding Jens: ANNA STOP Anna: do u think he’d let me do his eyeliner Jens: uncontrollable screaming in aries
Meanwhile: Jesper in the kitchen eating cereal at 11PM. Simon walks in.
Simon: hey Jesper: no. Simon: i’m gonna do it Jesper: mouth full of cocoa puffs do WHAT Simon: free you. Jesper: what does that even m— Simon: [typing aggressively]
Simon opens the Family Groupchat™:
Simon: hey just a heads up Jesper’s gay and in love with a football player Jesper: JESPER IS TYPING... Mom: ok??? proud of u??? Simon: he’s just shy. he thinks u’ll be mad. pls reassure him Jesper: SIMON I’M RIGHT HERE Mom: sweetie it’s fine. do u want me to make rainbow cookies Jesper: I’M NOT EVEN SURE Simon: he is Mom: what’s his name Simon: i think it starts with a J Mom: another J?? like in jens?? Jesper: leaves chat
That same night: Jens & Jesper texting in the dark like absolute fools.
Jens: if u were a fruit what would u be Jesper: peach Jesper: soft. fuzzy. easily bruised. poetic Jens: i was gonna say grape bc ur small and i could squish u Jesper: ok romantic
They don’t even know what they’re doing. But it’s something. It’s starting. The texting is multiplying like bunnies. The group chats are spiraling. Family members are outing them more than they’re outing themselves.
Do you want to see the moment they realized they couldn’t even look at each other during team dinner anymore without Sven fake-coughing "boyfriends" under his breath? OH YOU GOT IT. THIS IS THE MOMENT. This is the cringe-funny-sad-oh-they’re-so-down-BAD moment where the Denial Olympics ended and the slowburn train slammed into the wall of Group Dinner Chaos. Let’s roll:
Scene: Alkmaar team dinner. Early September 2022.
Jesper and Jens are sitting at opposite ends of the table. Like cowards. Like doomed soldiers of romantic tension. They've been texting less. Watching each other more. They've each gone on “not-dates” with other people to make it normal. It’s not normal.
Jens stares at Jesper for 1.2 seconds.
Sven, instantly, from across the table: “Are you guys dating or just spiritually linked by trauma and lust?”
Tijjani: chokes on his soda Yukinari: “That’s... a strong opener.” Milos: “I thought they were already together?” Jesper: “WE’RE NOT.” Jens: “We’re literally teammates.” Sven: “Ok so soulmates.” Jesper: “WHAT” Jens: sweating profusely “We don’t even talk that much anymore.” Sam: “Bro you guys stared at each other the whole warmup today like it was the final scene of a Netflix romcom.” Tijjani: “I saw Jesper like Jens’ mom’s post on Facebook.” Jesper: “WHY ARE YOU STALKING ME??” Sven: “We’re just worried about you two. Like, emotionally.” Sam: “This is my Roman Empire.” Jesper: leaves table to fake-check something on his phone Jens: follows him within 12 seconds
Meanwhile. Anna.
Anna: [sends Jens a selfie with a very smug face] Anna: i will DM him Jens: DON’T Anna: “hey cutie do u believe in fate bc my little brother won’t shut up abt ur hair” Jens: I SWEAR TO GOD Anna: “he’s the aries. ur the leo. ur doomed. kiss now.” Jens: STOP Anna: i have his tiktok i’ll comment something Jens: i’ll block u Anna: i’m ur sister. i’ll use mom’s phone Jens: anna i’m BEGGING u
Meanwhile. Jesper.
Simon: u ok Jesper: yeah Simon: u talked to him yet Jesper: no Simon: u looked at him 58 times tho Jesper: it’s not the same Simon: u want me to text him for u? Jesper: no. Simon: what if i slide in and say “he cries watching taylor swift documentaries, please love him back” Jesper: I SWEAR— Simon: ur in love Jesper: stop checking in 17 times a day Simon: then CONFESS TO THE BOY Jesper: I HATE YOU Simon: (but love him) Jesper: shut up
They went home from dinner that night feral with tension, pretending it was fine, while the entire squad placed bets on how long they could keep this charade up. Meanwhile, their siblings were already designing Pinterest boards for the wedding.
[Family Groupchat: “Fam Bam But Scandinavian”] Simon: i think jesper’s in love Mom: with who Simon: with this danish twink named jens Jesper: STOP Simon: it’s very poetic Jesper: i will leave this groupchat Simon: no u won’t. ur in love and u need supervision Jesper: it’s not like that Simon: u sent me 3 different versions of the same selfie bc “my hair looked weird in this one but like... idk...” Mom: u looked cute sweetie Jesper: can we NOT
[Anna and Jens private chat] Anna: u stopped texting him didn’t u Jens: how do u know Anna: bc u’ve texted ME 12 times in one day Jens: it’s not the same Anna: it is. u sent me “what does it mean if a leo and aries stop texting for a bit” Jens: IT WAS FOR A FRIEND Anna: ur the friend Jens: please don’t DM him Anna: types “hey jesperrrr what are u doing to my brother” and screenshots it Jens: ANNA
[Alkmaar groupchat: “UCL Aspirants (Emotional Version)”] Sven: i can’t do this anymore Sam: i watched jens literally fumble his water bottle bc jesper tied his hair back mid-practice Tijjani: they were both blushing when milos said “good pass” Yuki: i blinked and they were having a full argument about who liked pear juice first Milos: i brought them both apples today. one of them bit into it and said “this is what betrayal tastes like.” Sam: I’M BEGGING Sven: can we call the mayor. like of alkmaar. this has gone too far Tijjani: the sexual tension is so bad the grass at training turned yellow Jesper: I CAN SEE THIS CHAT. Jens: SAME Sam: oh so now u two wanna reply
[Sam ⇌ Jesper]
Sam: who u keep texting. ur phone lit up like 20 times during dinner Jesper: my brother Sam: if so why u smile so much Jesper: cuz simon is funny?!?! Sam: i have met simon 3 times. he once told me my shirt looked like it failed art school. he’s just evil Jesper: u don’t understand sibling banter Sam: ok then why did u go “HA” and kick the table when the message came in Jesper: maybe it was a meme??? Sam: is it the new guy Jesper: huh Sam: is it jens Jesper: SAM
Sam: screenshot of Jesper blushing while holding his phone under the table caption: “tell me more about simon’s sense of humor” Jesper: ur a demon Sam: and u are in love
[Sven ⇌ Jens]
(Backstory: Sven barely talks to Jens at this point outside of football. This makes it worse.)
Sven: i know everything Jens: sorry what Sven: no reply Jens: do we even know each other Sven: do you even know yourself Jens: what the hell
Sven: screenshot of Jens watching Jesper across the pitch, captioned “romeo where’s ur juliet” Jens: DELETE THAT Sven: you’re not subtle Jens: bro i asked what time training is you’re acting like you’re god Sven: i am god. god of consequences.
Later that week… Anna to Jens: “Sam DM’d me and said you were spiraling.” Simon to Jesper: “So. Sam said you blushed for 3 straight minutes after receiving a ‘good pass’ from Jens.” Jesper: I’m going to kill Sam Jens: I’m going to die in Alkmaar and haunt the pitch Sven: and i’ll be there. watching. judging.
[Sam ⇌ Jesper]
Sam: i’m gonna text simon Jesper: WTF NO Sam: relax. i’ll just say “your little brother’s in love. can he keep texting jens or nah?” Jesper: SAM I SWEAR TO GOD Sam: so u are texting jens Jesper: Sam: Jesper: that’s not the point
Sam: look. i’ll handle simon. u just handle the butterflies in ur stomach Jesper: i’ll handle you in a minute
[Jens ⇌ Yukinari]
Jens: hey what time is dinner Yukinari: i know everything Jens: excuse me what Yukinari: i know who you’re texting 24/7. you giggle like a schoolgirl with rabies. Jens: bro it’s not like that Yukinari: you said “jesper is a really good passer” and blushed so hard you fell over
[Meanwhile... Sam ⇌ Simon]
Sam: hi simon just wanted to inform you that ur brother is in love Simon: no shit Sam: also he won’t admit it Simon: also no shit Sam: just letting u know so u can prepare to be best man at the wedding Simon: as long as i get to give an embarrassing toast Sam: obviously
[Jesper ⇌ Simon]
Jesper: why did sam say u know everything Simon: bc sam told me Jesper: THAT’S ILLEGAL Simon: also ur jealousy is showing Jesper: what Simon: u sent 3 eye rolls in a row after u saw sam texting me. get a grip
Category A: “Flirt-Stupid” (Most Common) Jesper: what’s ur bedtime Jens: 10pm Jesper: cool mine is 12 Jens: ask me again Jesper: what’s ur bedtime Jens: whenever u stop texting me Jesper: blocked
Jens: what time do u wake up Jesper: like 5:00 Jens: [sends “good morning” at 4:59 then immediately dozes off] Jesper: did u set an alarm for this Jens: idk what ur talking about
Category B: “Flirt-Delusional” Jesper: r u watching the game Jens: yeah Jesper: who u supporting Jens: whoever u want to win Jesper: don’t say things like that bro Jens: i meant netherlands. relax
Jesper: ur spotify says “The Way I Loved You” Jens: it’s about the game Jesper: sure it is
Category C: “Flirt-Cryptic” Jens: do u believe in fate Jesper: shut up Jens: do u Jesper: i believe ur typing is giving me anxiety Jens: i was just gonna say maybe we were meant to pass to each other
Jesper: if u were a dog what breed Jens: golden retriever Jesper: wrong. ur the type that follows one person around forever Jens: so i’m your dog Jesper: STOP
Category D: “Flirt-Overtime” Jesper: u still up Jens: i will be if u say goodnight Jesper: that’s the stupidest thing i’ve heard Jens: so u’re not gonna say it Jesper: Jesper: goodnight Jens: stays awake for 2 more hours smiling like an idiot
Jens: u blinked 3 times at dinner Jesper: u need a hobby Jens: u’re my hobby Jesper: STOP
[1] i-am-not-jealous-core Jesper: u and yuki seem close these days Jens: we sit next to each other in team meetings Jesper: just saying u look happy Jens: would u prefer i look sad Jesper: no lol wtf Jens: ok good
Jesper (30 mins later): btw i’m hanging out w sam and tijjani tonight Jens: cool Jens: tell tijjani his music taste is trash Jesper: ur acting normal Jens: i am normal Jesper: ok
(they both listen to “traitor” by olivia rodrigo at 2am)
[2] we-text-everyday-but-we’re-just-bros Jens: do u think i’d survive in a zombie apocalypse Jesper: absolutely not. u’d trip on ur shoelaces Jens: wow Jesper: i’d save u tho Jens: bros saving bros Jesper: yeah
(jesper saves the convo. jens re-reads it twice before bed)
[3] texting each other to avoid texting someone else Jesper: if u were gonna ask someone out how would u do it Jens: why Jesper: just wondering Jens: i’d probably pretend it’s a joke Jesper: right Jesper: u ever done that Jens: maybe Jesper: Jens: Jesper: Jens: do u want me to help u ask someone out Jesper: not anymore
(jesper throws his phone across the room. jens stares at the ceiling like a haunted man)
[4] yes we text every day and we’re not dating, your honor Jens: u look like u didn’t sleep last night Jesper: thanks i was going for that Jens: u ok Jesper: fine. u? Jens: yeah Jesper: Jens: Jesper: i think we should hang out less Jens: Jens: ok Jesper (one hour later): wanna get coffee
(jens says yes so fast it sends as “yesyesye”)
[5] subtweeting via spotify Jesper’s Story: “the night we met – lord huron” + a blurry photo of the stadium Jens: nice song Jesper: u listened to it 6 times last night Jens: no i didn’t Jesper: i have receipts Jens: ur delusional Jesper: am i
(jesper switches his story to “jealous” by labrinth. jens deactivates spotify for 2 hours out of spite.)
[6] fake casual check-ins that are Not Casual At All Jesper: did u eat Jens: yeah u Jesper: yeah Jens: ok Jesper: Jens: Jesper: what did u eat Jens: jesus
(they both fall asleep mid-text, wake up and reread the thread like it’s shakespeare)
[7] unsent messages graveyard Jesper (draft): do u like me Jesper (draft): forget it Jens (draft): i don’t want to just be teammates Jens (draft): delete delete delete delete
Exhibit A: The Dumbest Message Ever Sent Jens:
hey
not jealous btw
but also like
u remember when we were talking about who would die first in a zombie apocalypse
i lied
i would let u survive
also we should talk or something idk
unless ur busy hanging out w new people
im not mad
just emotionally displaced
also what are we
Jesper (seen at 22:41) (Jesper literally needed 7 minutes to scream into his pillow and then reply)
Jesper:
what are we???
Jens I literally text you good morning and goodnight
I made you a playlist called “ur annoying but it’s cute”
we are doomed
Jens:
doomed together?
Jesper:
come here idiot
(Jens arrived at Jesper’s place at 23:07. Sven heard footsteps and immediately texted Sam: “It’s happening.”)
Exhibit B: Group Chat Fallout (aka “EVERYONE KNEW”) Sam [22:52]:
HE FINALLY BROKE
JENS FINALLY CRACKED
I REPEAT: THE DENIAL HAS BEEN SHATTERED
Sven:
you owe me 20 euros
i said mid-september
Tijjani:
does this mean they’ll stop acting weird in practice?
Yuki:
probably not
but they’ll at least be kissing now
Exhibit C: Anna & Simon Interventions Anna [to Jens]:
so. you sent the zombie apocalypse text huh
congratulations
when’s the wedding
Simon [to Jesper]:
i knew u were gay when u cried bc the neighbor boy left for vacation in 2009
proud of u tho
don’t mess it up
They confessed. Sort of. With seaweed-brain and endorphins and panic. No labels, no speeches. Just “come here idiot” and “are we doomed together”. The texts turned soft after that. Like:
Jens: do u think it was obvious
Jesper: sam said we were “hard-launching a will-they-won’t-they arc”
Jens: embarrassing
Jesper: we deserve jail
22:41 — Jens
so
we’re like
a thing now?
22:42 — Jesper
i guess
is this how people normally get together
by emotionally combusting in group chat silence
22:43 — Jens
probably not
but we’re built different
like emotionally constipated european boys in denial
22:44 — Jesper
that’s our love language
22:45 — Jens
speaking of language
my sister said leo + aries are compatible
but emotionally chaotic
so basically us
22:46 — Jesper
i knew anna was lurking
simon told my mom
i didn’t even get to come out
he did it in the family group chat while i was in the shower
22:47 — Jens
wow
iconic
would marry him if i wasn’t already accidentally emotionally married to u
22:48 — Jesper
wow
soft
22:48 — Jens
u deserve it
now go to bed or i’ll cry again
22:49 — Jesper
already in bed
goodnight jens
22:49 — Jens
goodnight jesper
22:50 — Jesper
wait
can i say something dumb
22:50 — Jens
have u met me?
of course
22:51 — Jesper
i saved ur selfie from may
when we weren’t even flirting yet
and i said it was for tactical analysis
but actually i just thought u were kind of stupid cute
bye
22:51 — Jens
i’m throwing up brb
also
i did the same with that pic of u with ur hoodie strings in ur mouth
i told sven u looked like a cryptid
but i had it saved in a secret folder called “cringe crush moments”
22:52 — Jesper
what are we gonna do with ourselves now
22:52 — Jens
suffer together
and maybe make out on a bench tomorrow idk
22:53 — Jesper
ur disgusting
pick me up at 9
Meanwhile in the Alkmaar Group Chat (22:55): Sam:
they’re texting hearts i can FEEL IT
someone sedate me
Sven:
they think we can’t tell
yuki’s been making a spreadsheet
Yuki:
confirmed: 47 suspicious emoji exchanges since 20:00
PRE-PRACTICE LOCKER ROOM, 08:47
Jens (to himself, holding water bottle like it might punch him):
Just act normal. You’ve known him for over a year. You’ve shared shampoo. You’ve seen him cry watching Moana. Just. Act. Normal.
Jesper (whispering at his locker to no one):
Don’t be weird. Don’t be weird. Don’t look at him. Don't remember that he said “i want to kiss you stupid” last night. Don’t remember that he—
Sam (passing):
You both look like you’re trying not to scream Congrats on the emotional co-parenting. I’m leaving the chat.
Yuki (already halfway into stretching):
I’ve written my will
09:00 — TRAINING FIELD WARM-UP
Coach: “Pair up for passing drills!”
Jesper: (accidentally stares at Jens for 0.4 seconds too long) Jens: (walks toward him like in a romcom slow-mo shot)
Sven, to Tijjani:
They’re gonna burst into flames Watch him drop the ball just from eye contact
Jesper: passes ball to Jens Jens: smiles mid-trap Jesper: forgets to breathe
Coach: “Jesper. You're off tempo.”
Jesper: “Yes sorry. I—he smiled weird.”
Jens: “I smiled normal!!!”
Sam: “You smiled like you’re picturing your wedding playlist.”
09:26 — SHORT SIDED GAME SCRIMMAGE
Jesper and Jens get put on opposite teams.
They spend 12 straight minutes:
Shoving each other slightly too gently
Accidentally calling out each other’s names instead of teammates’
Jens saving a goal and immediately turning to see if Jesper saw
Jesper tripping and Jens almost full-sprinting over like "ARE YOU OKAY—I MEAN NICE FALL"
Yuki: “The tension on this pitch is illegal.”
Sven: “I’m uncomfortable in a biblical sense.”
Coach: “You two. Either date or defend better. Pick one.”
10:00 — WATER BREAK
Jesper (red in the face, pretending to chug water but actually trying to cool his soul):
You’re so annoying
Jens (grinning like an idiot):
You’re literally obsessed with me
Jesper:
That’s unfortunately true
Sam (20m away but hears all):
I can’t believe I’ve lived to see enemies-to-boyfriends live
10:33 — END OF PRACTICE
Coach: “Decent work today. Bit sloppy in communication, though.”
Sven: “Only between the star-crossed lovers.”
Yuki: “I made matching graphs of heart rate spikes. Would you like to see them.”
Sam: “Jens held his bottle with both hands and stared into space for 4 minutes. Jesper tripped over a cone and didn’t even swear. This is dark.”
Jesper and Jens: sharing a granola bar behind the bench and pretending no one notices
POST-PRACTICE LOCKER ROOM, 11:12
Jesper: “So when’s our bench date?”
Jens: “Whenever you stop looking at me like that.”
Jesper: “Like what?”
Jens: “Like you’re about to write poetry in your Notes app about my knee brace.”
Jesper: “Too late.”
Sam: “IM LEAVING. IM LEAVING THE PLANET.”
THE FAMILY COMING OUT SAGA: UNSERIOUS EDITION Jens, after months of spiraling, soft-launching Jesper via texts with Anna and hiding it all from their Viking dad, finally confesses. Jesper is his boyfriend. They've kissed. There was water bottle tension. It's real.
Anna, not missing a beat:
“Congrats, Jens. Me and Mom are telling Dad now. He’ll cry. Or build a shed. Or both.”
Jens:
“Wait—WAIT. DON’T—”
Too late. Family group chat lights up:
Mom: “We knew. :) Jesper seems sweet.”
Anna: “He’s cute, dad. Be nice.”
Dad: “WHO is Jesper? What is a Jesper??”
Jens, sweating bullets, sends a slightly blurry pic of Jesper mid-laugh. Still, perfect bone structure. Boyfriend-coded.
Dad, who once broke his toe kicking a frozen football:
“Cute kid. What’s his name?”
Jens: “....Jesper.” Dad: “Oh right. Jesper. Love that. Sounds like a reliable name. Welcome to the clan.”
Jens, sobbing: “....okay.”
Meanwhile, in Sweden:
Jesper is still emotionally paralyzed and catastrophically shy about coming out to his mom, so naturally—
Simon just goes:
“Jesper’s dating a Danish boy named Jens. You’re welcome.”
Jesper, on another planet:
“SIMON WHAT THE ACTUAL—”
Too late.
Mom, queen of chaos, opens the vault and sends:
One (1) photo of 3.99-year-old Jesper in a diaper, pacifier fully in place, sitting on a potty throne.
Caption: “Your dad in heaven would be proud. And confused? But proud.”
Jesper, blushing into the void:
“What does that mean.”
Mom: “Just that you’ve always been dramatic. And now you’ve found someone just as dramatic. Congrats.”
Result?
Jens' dad starts asking about Jesper’s stats like he’s recruiting him for war.
Jesper’s mom sends pastries in the mail.
Anna makes it her mission to force couple costumes on them.
Simon steals Jens’ number just to say “treat him well or I’ll haunt your dreams.”