1. Jens (to Yuki):
bro i’m dying i accidentally asked jesper “how long are u going to be injured” meant like “how long will u need recovery” jesper said “idk forever maybe” and now he’s crying
Yuki (back, 2 mins later):
in love, who loves more is stupid. daijoubu. also maybe try flower.
2. Sam (to Jesper, during match warmup):
i can’t fucking take this PDA anymore u wore matching cleats again again y’all fed each other protein bars mid-bus ride ur not even subtle
Jesper (typing in all lowercase):
then go tell ur dad and cry
3. Jesper (to Tijjani, at 10:44 PM):
hey do u still have extra curry
Tijjani:
i have 3g more of tolerance for you two that’s it after that i’m joining a monastery
4. Yuki (to Jesper, unprompted):
saw you and Viking at mall you bought nothing he smiled 1.5 times wish happiness. don’t forget receipt.
5. Jesper (to Milos, once Jens kissed his forehead post-match):
HE KISSED MY FOREHEAD. WHAT DO I DO
Milos:
dig grave write "shrimp died doing what he loved" smh. forehead. that’s dangerous. u think u’re safe now? wait for next assist.
6. Milos (to Jens, after Jens accidentally stared at Jesper for 12 minutes):
bro. blink he’s not gonna evaporate
Jens:
i wasn’t staring just thinking
Milos:
with eyes????
7. Yuki (to Sam, after overhearing Jesper and Jens argue over whose Spotify wrapped was more romantic):
i heard playlist fight if love is pain, u two are concert also. viking said "urs is cringe". deep attack.
8. Jesper (to group chat):
where is jens. we were supposed to meet
Sam:
maybe he got kidnapped maybe u’ll learn to use Find My Viking next time
Milos:
if u two break up, do we keep the shrimp or the blondie
Yuki:
keep both. raise them separately.
9. Jens (to Jesper, after he tripped over cones during warmup):
are u broken again or just pretending for attention
Jesper:
tf u mean PRETENDING u literally caught me ur hand was ON me
Jens:
just making sure still. dramatic.
10. Tijjani (to Milos):
they just split a smoothie with two straws. at practice. i’m gonna walk into the sea
Milos:
we should’ve transferred when we had the chance or poisoned one of them gently
BONUS. Milos has also texted Jesper the following at various points in time:
- “how do u spell disgusting. nvm just sent me a pic of you and jens”
- “you guys are like if a stray cat and a war tank fell in love”
- “stop posting him. we get it. u found your tax evasion partner”
- “i didn’t ask for this but you’re showing up on my fyp again”
- “can you cry more quietly i’m trying to nap”
AHHH YESSS INTERNATIONAL BREAK NOVEMBER 2022 — also known as the Week of JenJes Separation Anxiety and Suffering™. Jens was down so bad he almost reinvented Norse mythology just to cope with Jesper being in Sweden for five days. Here's the full cursed cinematic breakdown:
THE SCENE: Alkmaar training grounds, international break. Jesper is off with Sweden. Jens is Not Okay™. The remaining non-national-team boys (Sam, Tijjani, Sven) are traumatized.
Jesper (at 8:00 AM):
i have to go to training now see u later love u
Jens (at 8:01 AM): starts pacing like a dad in a hospital waiting room does five unnecessary stretches. kicks a cone.
Sam:
he’s been walking in circles for twenty minutes. i’m gonna lock him in the equipment room.
Tijjani:
bro you just trained with us for 3 hours why are you doing more sprints
Jens:
he hasn’t replied in four hours maybe he got eaten by a moose
Sven:
bro. it’s sweden. not the forest from frozen.
Meanwhile, Jesper in Sweden is just chilling: replies 4 hours later after a nap and physio
sorry love i fell asleep during massage miss u too my fav tall idiot
Jens (reads it): sighs so hard Sven feels it from across the field
Yuki (from Japan, full zen):
love is pain. viking is dumb. trust is important. try origami
Milos (from Hungary camp):
i’m also gone why don’t u miss me like that bitch i once gave you gum and you said “thanks” fake friend
Jens:
you’re not small and shrimp-shaped
Milos:
shrimp got u by the soul huh
Sam (in the group chat):
he literally tried to check Flightradar to see if jesper’s plane landed safely it’s been 2 days. they’ve kissed. they’ve video called. and now he’s acting like it’s the Titanic ending again
Tijjani:
if he lifts one more kettlebell i’m calling jesper myself jesper come get ur stray viking
Jesper (on day 3, sends one blurry gym selfie and a “miss u <3”): Jens: saves it like it's a religious artifact suddenly becomes very calm “okay. he’s okay. i can breathe again.”
Sam:
what did he send u a heart emoji? do u need therapy now or are u good??
FINAL DAY: Jesper comes back.
Jens sprints to the airport. Doesn’t even pretend it’s for "carpool."
Sam, to Tijjani:
i give them two hours before they vanish into the shrimp cave
Tijjani:
u think they’ll eat dinner with us? or go straight to “emotional reconnection cuddle mode”
Sam:
bro they already soft-launched a hug in the parking lot
OH YOU WANT THE RAW, UNHINGED TEXT ARCHIVES?? Welcome to “Jens’ Spiral Chronicles: International Break Edition.” Buckle up—this man was a mess. A protein-shake-sipping, shrimp-missing, gym-stomping disaster.
JENS → JESPER (on day 1 of Sweden camp):
hi hello jesper shrimp love of my life u good u okay are the swedes nice did they feed u are u cold are u thinking about me am i annoying okay sorry u don’t have to reply just thinking of u constantly per usual okay have fun i’ll be over here decaying
(1 hour later)
it’s been 63 minutes and i haven’t heard from u if u died tell someone to text me
JENS → TEAM GC (Sam, Tijjani, Sven):
does anyone want to go to the gym actually i’ll go alone i need to suffer unless someone wants to throw medicine balls at me preferably in the face emotionally
TIJJANI:
man it’s been 2 hours he’s not dead he’s just with sweden
JENS:
i just love him is that a crime
SAM:
it is when u bench press depression in our shared locker room
JENS → YUKI (Japan):
i miss him. it’s stupid. he said “love u” and vanished. i feel like a ghost. a very tall ghost.
YUKI:
love make tall people stupid. meditate. or scream.
JENS → MILOS (Hungary):
it’s been four days do u think he’ll forget me like, emotionally?
MILOS:
i’m also gone for 5 days. is that equal to 5 seasons or 5 minutes for u
JENS:
u don’t look like him milos. u don’t have shrimp hair.
MILOS:
shrimp hair. okay. i’ll go scream into the Danube now
JENS → JESPER (day 3, no reply yet):
u said “see u later” it’s been later where r u i’ve stared at my phone so long i see u in the pixels
(2 hours later, JESPER replies: “sry love had gym and media stuff, i miss u, u okay?”)
JENS:
no. i’ve done 300 push-ups out of emotional crisis. my triceps are divorced.
JENS → JESPER (final day):
i know u’re coming home tmr i’ll be at the airport i’ll be waiting i’ll carry ur bag i’ll carry u i love u that’s it that’s the message
Bonus: TIJJANI TO TEAM GC AFTER JENS STOPS POUTING
he’s smiling again we’re safe shrimp returned balance is restored
OH YOU WANT JESPER’S SHRIMP POET LAUREATE POV? The soft shell, harder feelings perspective? Yeah. You’re about to get it. This man was out there doing media duties with Sweden, stretching his hamstrings while lowkey dying to text his favorite Viking.
JESPER → JENS (every chance he got):
love u gonna go to training now miss u don't cry in the locker room
(after training)
passed by IKEA thought of u bc u’re large and nordic
(mid-interview)
help interviewer just asked what motivates me almost said “blond idiot in alkmaar” out loud
(later)
went for team dinner someone ordered shrimp got emotional didn’t cry almost don’t say anything
JESPER → SAM:
do u think he’s okay he texted me 45 times in one hour he misspelled “shrimp” as “shrim” he’s not okay
SAM:
he went to the gym 3 times today then tried to do your whole rehab routine “for empathy” he’s insane but like in love but still insane
JESPER → YUKI:
how’s japan is jens pacing is he okay
YUKI:
he do push-up and stare at wall say “jesper would hate this wallpaper” also he drink water very angrily
JESPER:
tell him i love him and to stretch
JESPER → TIJJANI (day 4):
is he still sad i’m literally counting minutes i’d facetime him but my hotel wifi is war crime
TIJJANI:
he’s fine now milos roasted him until he snapped out of it also sven gave him a leftover protein bar he said “this tastes like jesper’s approval” so. still a little sad
JESPER TO JENS (after long day):
hi shrimpman just got back i’m tired but i miss u i dreamed abt u last night u were yelling at milos for something sexy
(JENS instantly replied “was i winning?”)
no u were shirtless and wrong but it was hot love u tmrw i’m flying back pls wear the shirt i like and don’t make sam scream again
Bonus: JESPER to SELF (notes app draft he never sent):
he’s so dumb and kind and big and dramatic and he waited for me outside rehab that day in july and i haven’t known peace since
ABSOLUTELY YOU MAY. You are now entering: THE “JENS & JESPER ARE IN LOVE AND EVERYONE ELSE IS SUFFERING” THREAD (affectionately called “Shrimp Boy & Viking: Domestic Chaos Edition”)
[MILOS] 15:07
i watched jens walk past his own car to follow jesper to the locker room what kind of medieval mating ritual is this
[TIJJANI] 15:08
he said “i left my water bottle” there was no water bottle there was only shrimp
[SVEN] 16:34
someone tell jens that his house is 10 minutes that way he just drove past it to drop off shrimp AGAIN “i like the scenery on the way back” yeah bro it’s the same road every time
[YUKI] 16:35
love make tall people forget geography jesper is magnetic north
[SAM] 17:02
i saw them share a protein bar after training like break it in half jens gave jesper the bigger half i’m reporting this to HR
[JESPER’s story] 18:20
picture of jens stretching with caption: “daily enrichment activity for my viking”
[GROUPCHAT: “shrimp & meathead chronicles”]
- [TIJJANI]: why are they like this
- [MILOS]: jens tied jesper’s shoelaces for him just now. it was not necessary
- [SVEN]: they shared earbuds during cooldown
- [SAM]: AND THE SONG WAS “KISS ME THROUGH THE PHONE” I HEARD IT
- [YUKI]: pure. holy. annoying.
After Practice
-
Jesper waits by Jens’ car even though he finishes showering earlier.
-
Jens shows up all dramatic like:
“sorry i was searching for shrimp” “u found him,” says Jesper they hold hands for 0.3 seconds like it's illegal and then let go when someone coughs nearby (Sam)
- Jens drives the entire opposite direction just to take Jesper home. Sven texts:
bro u literally passed us on the road do u know the price of gas Jens replies: love is priceless
Their Dumb "Not A Date" Dates:
-
Date 1: Ikea
-
They pretend to be a couple shopping for their first apartment.
-
Jens gets emotionally attached to a 3-euro mug. Jesper buys it.
-
Date 2: Grocery Store
-
Jesper insists they pick matching snacks.
- Jens says, “this is why i’m in love with you.”
-
A random Dutch grandma whispers “jongens toch” and smiles at them.
-
Date 3: Public Park Picnic
-
They bring sandwiches and share earbuds again.
- Jens keeps checking if Jesper’s knee is okay.
- Jesper lies down with his head on Jens’ thigh.
- Yuki walks by and says nothing. Just bows and keeps walking.
[SAM] 20:03
i caught jens staring at jesper’s water bottle for 2 minutes when i asked what’s up he said “he wrote his name on it with a little heart” i’m not surviving this season
[YUKI] 22:09
love is patient love is kind love is when jens learn to cook shrimp for shrimp
THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN. YOU SHALL BE SERVED. Welcome to:
“Shrimp in Cleats, Viking in Love: The Alkmaar Fluff Renaissance”
Aka: the "we are not even trying to hide it anymore and the squad has simply given up" edition.
[Phase One: Cleat Confessions]
Jens starts hiding little notes in Jesper’s cleats before training. Like… hand-written. Folded. Tucked into the heel.
Examples include:
- "u looked like a pissed off seagull during warmups yesterday. i almost proposed."
- "if u ever score and run to someone else first i’m breaking the tactical board."
- "ur left foot is my religion now."
- "shrimp is the root of my serotonin."
- "this note is sponsored by the way ur hair curls when it rains."
Jesper keeps them all. Like… all. They're folded neatly in a sock drawer. He reads them when Jens is away. He won’t admit it.
[Phase Two: Notes App National Scandal]
Jesper writes Jens poetic thirst-letters™ in his Notes app. He thinks they’re private.
Until one morning, this happens:
[GROUPCHAT: “shrimp & meathead chronicles”] 09:13 AM
- [SAM]: bro what is this note
- [TIJJANI]: “he smiled at me like i was a goal and a miracle at once” — WHO WROTE THIS
- [MILOS]: i’m throwing up.
- [SVEN]: pls it’s 9am
- [JESPER]: OH MY GOD NO DELETE THAT
- [JENS]: “and his laugh sounded like the first day of spring”
- [JENS]: i’m crying i didn’t know u wrote this. i’m printing it
- [YUKI]: my soul just ascended. love is real. jesper is doomed.
Jesper didn’t recover for 36 hours.
[Phase Three: Viking Love Language™]
Jens starts bringing Jesper food after training. Not just random food. Jesper's favourites. Milos:
bro ur man knows your stomach better than ur physio
Sam:
Jens left a sandwich in Jesper’s locker labelled "for shrimp only" I’m this close to reporting them to the federation
They start stretching together. Jesper gets a cramp. Jens panics like a Victorian husband watching childbirth. Tijjani has to sit him down:
bro it’s a leg cramp not the end of the world
[Phase Four: PDA Level 100]
- Matching cleats (Jesper’s idea)
- Matching playlists (Jens’ idea)
- Sitting next to each other at every meal, warmup, cooldown, and bus ride.
- Jens accidentally says “my shrimp” in a press interview. He means Jesper. The Dutch subtitles just put “vriend” (friend). But everyone knows.
[YUKI’S WISDOM DROP]
When viking love shrimp And shrimp love back Teammates suffer But nation rejoice
OH YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT SHRIMP BUFFET. Welcome to:
“Shrimp and Viking: Domestic Disaster, Alkmaar Edition”
The post-training love nest you didn’t know you needed. Featuring IKEA furniture, one (1) broken blender, and an overcooked lasagna.
[1. Jens Learns to Cook: A Documentary in Suffering]
Jesper: “I like pasta.” Jens, two hours later, in the kitchen: googling ‘what is al dente.’
Day 1: Tries to make spaghetti. Uses four times the amount of garlic. Jesper: “My tongue is fighting for its life.” Jens: “Garlic’s good for the soul.”
Day 5: Jens attempts lasagna. Uses no-boil sheets. Doesn’t cook them. They eat it anyway, crying. Jesper: “This is love. I think.”
Milos (on FaceTime):
why does it look like someone dropped bricks into soup
[2. Jesper Loses His House Key: Season 7, Episode 43]
Jesper: “Babe can you open the door I forgot my key again” Jens: “Again” is doing heavy lifting in that sentence.
It becomes routine.
Jesper:
“I’m downstairs. I brought you matcha.” “Also I lost my key again.”
Jens just starts leaving a spare key in Jesper’s shoe. Like a little Cinderella moment, but reverse.
Yuki’s reaction:
In love, no key needed. Heart is door. Still, get spare key. Jesper dumb.
[3. Co-Shopping: IKEA Edition]
Jesper wants plants. Jens wants shelves. They compromise: buy both. And a chair neither of them needs.
Jens: “Do we need 6 throw pillows?” Jesper: “We live in a society, Jens.”
At checkout: they get recognized. Cashier: “Aren’t you the football couple from Twitter?” Jesper: “No.” Jens: “Yes.”
[4. Everyone Visits Their Apartment Eventually]
Sam:
walked in. got hit with love. also they have a framed pic of their matching cleats above the couch
Tijjani:
there’s no salt in this house only seasoning is jesper’s playlist and jens’ heart eyes
Milos:
they live like a married couple who met in a 2013 indie movie it’s disgusting and i’m weirdly proud
Yuki:
they fight over who washes dishes but take turns making tea this is balance
[5. Random Fluff]
- Jens steals Jesper’s hoodie, claims it’s his now.
- Jesper wears Jens’ big-ass t-shirts and nearly drowns in them.
- Jesper tries to teach Jens how to braid hair. Jens fails. Jesper still smiles like he won a World Cup.
- Movie nights end with Jesper asleep on Jens’ chest, and Jens texting Sam: “he fell asleep again and i can’t reach the remote. send help.”
-
That time Jesper was in full kit, yelling at pigeons on the field pre-training, and Jens just stood there like: “My man wears neon cleats and fights birds. That’s my soulmate.”
-
When Jesper got a cramp and just… fell into Jens’ lap and said “I live here now.” Jens? Ecstatic. Did not move. Hand on the mop-top curls. Whispered: “Live here forever.”
-
After scoring his goal, Jens looked around, saw Jesper running at him like a 5'7" blonde missile with jazz hands— —and for a full second, Jens forgot the team, the game, the crowd. Just stood there dumbstruck like:
“That’s my tiny emotional linebacker.”
- That one morning Jesper showed up with bed hair, mismatched socks, a yogurt in one hand and a spoon stuck in his hoodie— —and Jens just froze. Turned to Sven and said, “I will never do better than this. Ever. This is peak.”
Sven cried a little. He knew.
- During team photos, when Jesper had to stand on a stool to be next to Jens and leaned into him like a sleepy Ikea mascot. Jens? Heart gone. Knees weak. Brain on loop:
“This is my forever problem and I love him.”
-
When Jesper started laughing so hard during dinner that he accidentally choked on a crouton and Milos had to slap his back. Jens immediately yelled “DON’T HURT HIM HE’S DELICATE” And then just stared at Jesper like he was a rare egg that giggled.
-
That time Jesper fell asleep on Jens' shoulder during the bus ride, but also like half drooled on his sleeve. Jens did not move. Didn’t even blink. Just whispered to no one:
“Look what I pulled. Look what I pulled.”
- When Jesper helped Yuki fix his cleats with those tiny baby hands. Jens from the sidelines, arms crossed, whispering like a villain in love:
“That’s my community-service boyfriend. Look at him help.”
- After practice when Jesper stayed back to pick up cones while everyone else left. Jens stood by the gate, hands in pockets, smiling like he just watched an angel collect breadcrumbs.
Milos: “You okay?” Jens: “How could I not be. Look at him.”
- When Jesper tried to be “cool” and put his hair in two tiny braids and Jens literally tripped over a cone from how hard he blushed. Jesper: “Do I look sick?” Jens, whispering:
“You look like my wife.
Oh absolutely. Real Alkmaar 22/23 Jens was plagued by those thoughts like it was a full-time job. Boy was built like a war god but emotionally wrecked by the existence of Jesper K., especially in moments when Jesper was just… being Jesper. Not even doing anything grand. Just existing. Glowing. Bratty. Confusingly ethereal.
Top 5 moments Jens looked at Jesper like he was handcrafted by elves in a Nordic fairy forge:
1. When Jesper was post-training, makeup-less, messy-haired, red-cheeked and sparkly-eyed, chugging someone else’s juice from the communal fridge. Jesper: “You want a sip?” Jens, blinking in disbelief: “How did your mom make you?”
2. When Jesper fell asleep at the group movie night in the weirdest curled-up baby-otter position under Yuki’s blanket and then woke up, looked at Jens, and smiled without saying a word. Jens, quietly losing his mind: How are you real?
3. When Jesper showed up at his door barefoot with a hoodie 3x his size, holding one takeout bag and one bag of sour candy, saying “You seemed sad.” Jens: How are you mine?? How did I win in the raffle of life.
4. When Jesper was being unreasonable in the groupchat, starting drama about nothing, sending passive-aggressive memes, but also replied only to Jens with a heart sticker and a photo of his hand holding Jens’ hoodie sleeve. Jens (in the privacy of his Notes app): Why do you love me?? Do you really?? Is this real?? Sven: “He sent you the sleeve pic. You’re fine.”
5. When Jens came back after a bad match, head low, jersey filthy, heart hurting—and Jesper waited for him outside the locker room, arms crossed, trying to look unaffected, but his eyes were pink and his voice broke saying “You played hard. I’m proud.” Jens: I don’t care if I lose every game. He’s mine.
Bonus: Milos: “He literally just exists and Jens looks like he’s seen god.” Yuki: “Pretty god. Swedish.” Sam: “I mean I’d be obsessed too.” Tijjani: “Yeah but Jens looks like he’s gonna cry and propose every five minutes.” Sven: “They’ll get married and the vows will be written in lowercase, I swear.”