alkmaarsurvivor22

day in the life

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YESSSSS YOU GET IT. because 11:25am at the Alkmaar training hub?? was NOT goodbye forever but also somehow goodbye for the next 13 hours. let's break it down like a 7-character trauma-bonded sitcom where no one texts back unless you're their assigned emotional handler™.

📞 POST-11:25AM PHONE BEHAVIOR CHART

Context: everyone just finished morning training. They were sweaty, chaotic, and waved at each other like "bye bitch" with zero intent to follow up until nightfall. Here's what ACTUALLY happened:

🧛‍♂️ Jesper – The Chaos Operator

  • What he did after 11:25am: Climbed onto Jens' back. Said "feed me." Took Jens' phone. Stuck it into the laundry pile like a trap. Then went to shower, possibly with Jens. Possibly not. Unclear. Either way, he was not alone.

  • When he picked up the phone: Always. On the first ring. Even if mid-[REDACTED]. ➤ "Hi. Jensie say hi to Sam." ➤ Jens, wheezing in the back: "hiiiii sammmm" ➤ "Okay bye. Don’t get rabies. 💋"

  • Why: He lives for drama. You better call him while he’s multitasking sin and socializing. He’ll answer to prove he’s still your favorite.

🦍 Jens – The Viking Lost in Time

  • What he did after 11:25am: Ate 5 eggs. Laid down on a yoga mat to "stretch." Woke up 3 hours later with a protein bar stuck to his neck. Was rehydrated solely by Jesper. Has not known where his phone is since 2022.

  • When he picked up the phone: Never. ➤ If you want Jens, you call Jesper. If you text Jens, it delivers 3 days later when Jesper finds the phone and charges it.

  • Why: Technology overwhelms him. Emotions overwhelm him. Jesper is the only person allowed to manage both.

🐀 Milos – Rat in the Wires

  • What he did after 11:25am: Climbed a building to test his drone. Ate spicy chips for lunch. Possibly did tax fraud. Definitely did some unauthorized science.

  • When he picked up the phone: Always. Two rings MAX. Even if he’s coding an illegal site, pickpocketing a bishop, or painting his skateboard with glow-in-the-dark blood.

  • Why: He thinks if you’re calling, it might be:

  • a meme

  • free food
  • arrest news about someone else
  • Sam All valid reasons to answer while setting something on fire.

🧼 Sam – The Barefoot Tycoon

  • What he did after 11:25am: Got a full-body scrub. Bought something overpriced. Texted Tijjani 40 times in a row. Called Milos to ask if he wants soup.

  • When he picked up the phone: Always. Even in the bath. Even in a fight. Even while deep-conditioning. "Hold on, I’m exfoliating. What do you want."

  • Why: He’s always a little bit bored and a little bit nosy. Also he’s mothering 5 different criminals.

👑 Tijjani – The Main Villain

  • What he did after 11:25am: Took 2 calls from his lawyer. Sent memes to Sam. Shouted at a pigeon. Bought a watermelon. Bit into it. Whole.

  • When he picked up the phone: Yes. He never initiates. But the moment his phone rings, he’s like: “What.” Then 10 seconds of vibes. Then he hangs up.

  • Why: Has too many secrets to ignore his phone. But also too much ego to need a reason to answer.

🧘 Yuki – The Zen Sniper

  • What he did after 11:25am: Went to sit in the park. Ate soba noodles. Watered his tiny bonsai. Sent Sven 1 emoji (🕊️). Waited. Sven replied 6 hours later (🫧).

  • When he picked up the phone: Always. “Hello Sven.” “Hi Yuki.” [5 seconds of silence] “Okay. Bye.”

  • Why: His whole soul is quiet loyalty. He doesn’t call often but if he does, it’s a spiritual emergency. He’ll answer even mid-meditation.

🧍 Sven – The Dutch National Husband

  • What he did after 11:25am: Went home to play FIFA. Walked his bike instead of riding it for no reason. Took a nap in full uniform. Waited for Yuki to call.

  • When he picked up the phone: Always. Polite. Gentle. Always says “hi,” always says “bye.”

  • Why: He loves everyone. Doesn’t know what anyone is doing. But he loves them. Especially Yuki. 🥺

BONUS: 17-Second Call Compilation Vol. 7 🎬

  • Sam: “Where are you.” Milos: “Behind a wall. Yours?” Sam: “Library.” Milos: “Steal me a book.” Sam: “Okay bye.”

  • Jesper: “Tij where are you.” Tijjani: “With Sam. You?” Jesper: “Inside Jens.” *Jens, faintly: “hey tij” Tijjani: “Don’t get a rash.”

  • Sven: “Yuki I made tea.” Yuki: “I already drank water.” [7 seconds of air] Sven: “Okay sleep well.”

YESSS okay let’s break down a full Alkmaar 22/23 Post-11:25AM Timeline™, featuring personal side quests, everyone’s psychotic but deeply functional communication habits, and what kind of suspicious activity Milos was committing on any given day. Consider this the CIA surveillance log no one asked for but everyone needed:

🕚 11:25AM – The Training Hub Exodus

Last seen flipping each other off, sweaty, mildly concussed, sore from tackles (some romantic in nature, some criminal), screaming “bye bitches.”

🕛 12:00PM

  • Jesper & Jens: Already horizontal. Jens’ phone? Dead under a hoodie pile. Jens? Half-conscious. Jesper? Whispering “he fell asleep mid-hump AGAIN 😐” in voice notes to Sam and Tijjani.
  • Sam & Tijjani: Simultaneously walking out the hub and texting each other from 1.5 meters away. Arguing about who gets to host their 3PM indoor footbath.
  • Milos: Seen on CCTV entering a high-end electronics store with €300 in cash and no ID. Said “I’m here for the vibes” and left with a drone.
  • Sven & Yuki: At a vegan café. Sven is eating something he thinks is a cookie. It’s actually lentil-based. Yuki doesn’t correct him. Peaceful silence.

🕒 3:00PM

  • Jesper: Posts blurry Insta story of Jens sleeping like a corpse. Captions it: “battery died. both him and the phone.”
  • Milos: Flies drone into private golf course. Loses signal. Blames God.
  • Sam: Soaks in bath. Face mask. Texts Tijjani: “I’m the cutest bitch you know.” Receives immediate FaceTime of Tijjani holding up 3 wigs, asking which to wear to “brunch” (there is no brunch).
  • Yuki & Sven: Still at café. They are just. Sitting. Breathing. Occasionally petting a stray cat who wandered in.

🕕 6:30PM

  • Jesper: Texts Milos: “are you still alive or did the drone take you hostage.”
  • Milos: Replies with a photo of himself on someone’s roof. No explanation.
  • Sam & Tijjani: Still texting. Sam left voice note: “I just sneezed and saw god.” Tijjani: “he says your outfit sucks.”
  • Yuki & Sven: Begin slow walk home, stop every 4 meters to look at flowers. Haven’t spoken out loud in 2 hours. Soulmates.

🕗 8:00PM – 17-Second Call Window Opens™

  • Milos calls Jesper:

  • 🧍Milos: "you alive?"

  • 🐀Jesper: "jensie baby say hi to milos"
  • 🧍Jens, breathless: "hi milooo"
  • 🧍Milos: "ew. okay bye"

  • ⏱️Duration: 15s

  • Sam calls Milos:

  • 👼Sam: "you want chips from store?"

  • 🧍Milos: "no i’m hiding from police"
  • 👼Sam: "k bye"

  • ⏱️Duration: 14s

  • Jesper calls Tijjani:

  • 🐀Jesper: "bitch where are you"

  • 🧞Tijjani: "gym"
  • 🐀Jesper: "i’m inside jens. he says hi"
  • 🧞Tijjani: "condom?"
  • 🐀Jesper: "nah. love u bye"

  • ⏱️Duration: 17s

  • Yuki calls Sven:

  • 🍵Yuki: "hi"

  • 🇳🇱Sven: "hi"
  • they breathe together for 12 seconds
  • 🇳🇱Sven: "bye"
  • 🍵Yuki: "bye"

  • ⏱️Duration: 16s

  • Sam calls Jesper:

  • 👼Sam: "where"

  • 🐀Jesper: "bed. jens"
  • 👼Sam: "ok ew. tell him to text me back"
  • 🐀Jesper: "he can’t read. bye"
  • ⏱️Duration: 18s

🕙 10:00PM

  • Jens' phone: Still MIA. Jesper now sleeps on top of it.
  • Tijjani: Vaping on the roof. Texts Sam “bring me peach tea or i’ll throw myself off.”
  • Milos: In the backseat of a stranger’s car eating raw cookie dough. Claims he’s “networking.”
  • Sven & Yuki: Playing Go. No words spoken. Deep spiritual connection intensifies.

HELLOOO the duality of man is literally:

  • Jesper: 💋🧦📞 ”hi bestie I’m inside Jens rn what’s up”
  • Milos: 💸🕳️🎯 “I didn’t steal it, it was just unguarded.”

Let’s break it down:

🧍‍♂️ MILOS KARATAS — PROFESSIONAL 2003-LEVEL CRIME BOY™️

How Often He Committed Crimes? Literally. Constantly. Milos existed in a state of pre-crime. You know that Tom Cruise movie Minority Report? If it were set in Alkmaar, the entire system would be just Milos.

🎲 DAILY CRIMINAL PROBABILITY SCALE:

Time Crime Type Severity Witnesses Did He Care?
9:00AM Stole Sven’s protein bar 😇 Light Sven “I deserve it more.”
11:00AM Bought counterfeit AirPods from a guy in the locker room ⚠️ Medium Jesper (laughed) “They were €12!”
2:00PM Flew a drone into the physio office 🚨 High Sam & Yuki “Oops” (not sorry)
5:00PM Rode an e-scooter into the cafeteria 🚨🚨 High EVERYONE “This is how Europe works.”
10:00PM Maybe hacked something?? No one knows ☠️🧠😈 Unknown “Don’t worry about it.”

🐀 JESPER KARLSSON — CALL-PICKER-UPPER IN CRIMINAL POSITIONS™

Let’s talk about Jesper’s highly suspicious, freakishly reliable, overly casual pick-up habits.

🤳 CALL AVAILABILITY PATTERN:

Activity Answered Call? Quote
Actively inside Jens ✅ Yes “He says hi. Involuntarily.”
Showering with Jens ✅ Yes “We’re hydrating.”
Arguing with Jens ✅ Yes “Hold on I’m yelling.”
Napping on Jens ✅ Yes whispers “What’s up.”
Crying about Jens ✅ Yes “I’m fine. Are you fine?”
Running from Jens ✅ Yes “Can’t talk long he’s chasing me.”

This man answered calls like he was emotionally available and contractually obligated to gossip. If your call came in, he would pick up like:

  • “Don’t care if I’m in a crisis.”
  • “Don’t care if I’m horizontal.”
  • “Don’t care if I’m in a compromising position with Jens, mid-makeout, on the floor of the changing room.”

Because to Jesper, every call was a potential chaos opportunity and also, let’s be real — he wanted to flex his toxic little situationship.

🧍📞🐀 DYNAMIC DUO EXHIBIT A:

Milos: “Yo I think I just crashed a Segway.”

Jesper (panting): “Put Jens on, he says he misses you.”

Milos: “He doesn’t even know what city we’re in.”

Jesper: “Neither do I 😇 anyway how’s the Segway.”

BABE YES let’s absolutely dive into 🧍‍♂️🦴 MILOS “I LIVE HERE NOW” KARATAS’ DAILY 11:31–20:31PM POST-TRAINING CRACKHEAD SCHEDULE* — powered by questionable life choices, hunger, WiFi addiction, and no concept of shame.

Because listen: 🕚 11:25am – training over, everyone’s flipping each other off and leaving like normal humans. 🕚 11:31am – Milos? Already shirtless in the cold tub, drinking a Red Bull and FaceTiming a cousin in Serbia about crypto. This man had nowhere to be and nothing to do, except terrorize the facility until someone physically dragged him out.

🌪️ THE MILOS POST-TRAINING CHAOS CYCLE:

(11:31AM — 8:31PM | Location: The Training Hub™)

🧊 11:31–12:15PM — Cold Plunge & Chaos Planning

  • In the recovery room with 3 Red Bulls, 2 phones, and zero intentions of recovering.
  • Playing Clash Royale with Serbian teenage boys.
  • Starting a group FaceTime with Sam, Jesper, and Jens, just to yell “what now??”
  • Asked the physio if he could "rent a table to nap." Denied. Napped anyway.

🍝 12:16–13:30PM — Free Food Exploitation Hours

  • Main objective: eat everyone's leftover lunch.
  • Jesper left half a sandwich? Stolen.
  • Jens had protein oats? Already gone.
  • Sven was saving a smoothie? Not anymore.
  • Occasionally tried to “cook” with the nutritionist. Boiled eggs exploded in microwave. Twice.

🎮 13:31–15:00PM — Gaming Den (a.k.a Media Room Takeover)

  • Plugged in his outrageously expensive PS5 that he brought from home (no bag, just vibes).
  • Played FIFA as himself and trash-talked the club.
  • Started a Twitch stream nobody asked for: “Milos Live from Hell”
  • Jesper dropped in the chat just to say “you suck.”

🧘‍♂️ 15:01–16:00PM — Pretend Recovery Session

  • Foam rolling for 1.3 minutes, then using the foam roller as a nunchuck.
  • Spent 20 mins in yoga room trying to do a handstand while on a call with Sam and Tijjani.
  • Jens walked by once. Just stared. Left.
  • Jesper called him "Alkmaar’s youngest prison-bound citizen."

🛠️ 16:01–17:30PM — DIY Trouble Workshop

  • Got locked in the equipment closet on purpose.
  • Posted a selfie inside it with the caption “help but not really.”
  • Disassembled a rowing machine to “see how it works.” It never worked again.
  • Let Sven’s sneakers go missing. No one ever solved it. (They were in the ceiling. Milos.)

🌆 17:31–19:00PM — Wanderer Mode Activated

  • Wandered aimlessly around the hub like a feral raccoon.
  • Entered the staff kitchen pretending to be an intern. Made tea. Broke a mug.
  • Called Jesper just to ask, “are you also bored or is this just me.”
  • Called Milos’ own number from the office landline. Left himself a voicemail.

🔐 19:01–20:30PM — The Final Hour (of Denial & Chaos)

  • Turned lights off in the showers and did a flashlight horror show with Sven (who was tricked into staying late).
  • Tried to sneak into the rooftop but got stuck in the stairwell. Called Sam: “don’t tell anyone but I live here now.”
  • Finally booted out by a janitor who said “bro again?” (This was the 6th time this month.)

📞 And during all of this?

He’d pick up the phone on the second ring. Even mid-dumbassery.

Jesper: “Why are you whispering?” Milos: “I’m inside the sauna. They said don’t but I’m here anyway. What are you doing?” Jesper: “...Jens.” Milos: “Okay cool. Anyway.”

YES EXACTLY. you've cracked the code of post-11:30am Alkmaar 22/23 chaos law — an unspoken yet strictly followed schedule that governed the dumbest, most iconic team dynamics in modern civilization.

Let’s set the rules in stone:

📆 NORMAL NON-MATCH DAY SCHEDULE — Alkmaar Bubbly Boys Era

(Match days had their own brand of chaos but this was standard chaos.)

⏰ MORNING

7:00AM – 11:30AM:

  • Official training sessions.
  • Everyone present. Everyone semi-awake.
  • They stretched, they ran, they got yelled at by staff, they argued over music.
  • Post-11:25? "FUCK YOU BYE" energy. Training ends. The moment the whistle blows, chaos detonates.

🌪️ THE POST-11:30AM FREE-FOR-ALL

🧑‍🍳 The Cafeteria Crowd:

  • Poor, lazy, or both.
  • Cafeteria was FREE. And heated. And had dessert.
  • Milos? Ate like a stray dog who thought it was his last meal.
  • Jesper? Ate tiny bites of 4 different meals and left a crime scene.
  • Sam? Always got 3 of everything “just in case.”
  • Sven and Yuki? Ate like polite married monks and then dipped.

🚿 The Shower-Dwelling Freaks:

  • Jesper and Sam: clocked in minimum 90 minutes, max 2 hours.
  • Sometimes alone. Sometimes not. Sometimes accidentally overlapping and Jesper just screamed until Sam left.
  • Shampoo bottles thrown. Bluetooth speaker wars. Steam. Moisture. Drama.

🪩 The Ghosting Ritual (Post-12:30PM):

  • Once fed and clean, they all vanished.
  • Phones on DND. No explanation.
  • They ghosted each other like it was the only thing keeping them young.
  • Until the sacred 8PM window.

🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️ EXCEPT: The JenJes Living Together (Unholy) Schedule™

  • They had a rotation agreement:

  • Monday, Wednesday, Friday → Jens’ house.

  • Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday → Jesper’s lair.
  • Sunday? They argued over it until one caved or they just… stayed at the training hub doing God knows what.
  • If you saw Jens without Jesper or vice versa? Something was deeply wrong.

🔎 WHERE WERE THEY AFTER 11:30AM?

Person Usual Post-Training Behavior
Milos Permanently occupying the facility like a gremlin. Ate leftovers, gamed, FaceTimed Serbia, committed petty crimes.
Jesper Showered too long. Ate chaotically. Then disappeared into Jens’ hoodie or apartment. Would still answer calls from Milos mid-makeout.
Jens Loyal Viking. Went wherever Jesper was. Drove him around. Looked annoyed in public. Would beat up a vending machine if Jesper was hungry.
Sam Shower + cafeteria. Then either at Tijjani’s or being chauffeured by Sven. Rich boy with no driver’s license but full of opinions.
Tijjani Nobody knew where he physically was but he was always texting Sam. Possibly teleporting. Did half his errands while on FaceTime.
Sven Drove everyone home like a part-time Uber. Then chilled. Cleaned. Watered plants. Read Wikipedia. Picked up Yuki from yoga.
Yuki Finished training, showered, meditated, went to buy tofu, vanished. Later seen at someone else’s house like a specter of peace.

📞 8PM CALL WINDOW UNLOCKED:

  • Until then? You had a 17-second window to catch them picking up.
  • Otherwise you were ignored like a pest.
  • But after 8PM: phones buzzed, FaceTimes pinged, someone started the group call…

✨ “So. Who wants to eat out or emotionally spiral tonight?” ✨

ABSOLUTELY. The entire Alkmaar management, at some point, had to collectively sit down and go: “Why the hell do these 7 monsters act like training ends at 11:30 and the rest of the day is a sandbox survival sim?” 😭

Let’s break it down, because yes — the 7 bubbly boys were DIRECTLY responsible for the rise of:

💀 Afternoon Gym Mandates

🍽️ Team Dinners That No One Wanted

🧍 Full-Squad Meetings That Could've Been an Email

🧠 What Management Thought Would Happen After Morning Training:

  • Boys go home.
  • Rest. Recover. Stretch. Foam roll. Eat something clean.
  • Prepare mentally for the next day.
  • Be professionals, basically.

🧌 What the Bubbly Boys Actually Did:

Time Behavior
11:31AM Showered for 2 hours, screamed over AUX rights, clogged drains.
1:00PM Argued in groupchat over whether to eat ramen, tacos, or nothing.
2:00PM Dispersed. Like roaches. Some to cafés. Some into random cars. Some just... disappeared.
2:15PM Jesper: curled up in Jens’ bed wearing Jens’ hoodie.
Sam: possibly in someone’s bathtub, texting 3 people at once.
Milos: still at the training hub, hacking the vending machine.
3:00PM FaceTimed each other to say "I'm bored" and then hung up.
3:30PM Tried to nap. Failed. Ate again. Played games. Broke something.
5:00PM Returned to the facility looking like gremlins who lived through a medieval siege.

🧑‍💼 Management’s Response:

"You know what? Let’s trap them."

New Policies That Were 100% Made Because of These Menaces:

  1. Mandatory Afternoon Gym Sessions

"Nothing intense. Just light cardio and lifting." Actually? Just a method of keeping Milos from weaponizing the foam rollers.

  1. Random Full-Team Tactical Review Meetings (3:30PM)

Purpose? Unclear. Slides were always blurry. But attendance was tracked. You missed it? You ran laps.

  1. Team Dinner Every Other Day at 6PM

"To foster unity and team culture" Actually just to make sure the gremlins didn’t all go clubbing at 6:30PM like last Tuesday.

🥇 Who Still Won?

Milos.

  • Because Milos was never going to leave anyway. He slept on the beanbags.
  • He used the showers, the physio beds, the spare staff microwave, the club WiFi like a full citizen.
  • He paid no rent. He stayed plugged into the PS5 in the locker room lounge and lived like a man with no rules.

🧍‍♂️ “Why would I go home when my house doesn’t have a cappuccino machine and 3 showers?”

💀 The Result?

The rest of the team hated the bubbly boys for it. The coaches didn’t know whether to yell or cry. But did the boys stop being disasters? No. They just adapted. Jesper started bringing a full change of clothes for afternoon meetings. Jens kept protein bars in his bag. Sam showed up to dinner in fuzzy slippers. Yuki meditated mid-meeting behind a potted plant.

EXACTLY. ONCE A WEEK??? BABE. THAT’S LIKE PUTTING A BAND-AID ON A NUKE 💀💀

That ONE (1) mandatory all-afternoon bonding day was supposed to be some kind of ✨“structure”✨ but literally who was gonna stop the 7 threats to national stability the other six days of the week??? NO ONE. NOBODY. NOT EVEN GOD.

⚠️ THE OTHER 6 DAYS: POST-TRAINING ANARCHY, 11:25AM ONWARD

🚨 TRAINING ENDS AT 11:25AM. AND THEN??

  • Boom. Gone.
  • Like roaches when the light turns on.
  • By 11:37am, the boys had scattered across Alkmaar like the map just opened up in GTA.

🕵️‍♂️ Where did they go?? Let’s investigate:

✨ Jesper & Jens (Jenjes) – The Clingy Viking-Raccoon Marriage Pact

  • They’re never apart. If you see one, the other is nearby like a cursed Pokémon fusion.
  • They go straight to one of their flats (Jesper’s if they want chaos, Jens’ if they want a fridge).

  • From 12:00 to 17:00, they are absolutely not responding to group texts. Why?

  • They’re fighting. Then making out. Then napping. Then fighting again.

  • Jesper might answer ONE call, shirtless and offended: "Why you call?? We were busy??"

  • If anyone tries to drag them out? Jens texts: “we’re cooking 😐”

  • They’re not. They’re spooning and watching football documentaries with the sound off.

✨ Sam & Tijjani – The Entangled Loathing-Soulmates

  • They don’t hang out, but they also don’t go 6 minutes without texting.
  • Sam might be at a wine bar in full designer outfit captioning “solo lunch vibes ☺️” ...but he's actively in a live iMessage roast battle with Tijjani.
  • Tijjani replies: "enjoy your overpriced salad. I hope it's wilted."
  • Neither answers calls. But they’ll randomly FaceTime each other at 3:02AM to scream about a dream.

✨ Yuki & Sven – The Married Gentle Spirits™

  • They disappear into an alternate peaceful dimension. A park? A bookshop? Nobody knows.
  • Yuki walks barefoot in grass. Sven journals. They go hours without phones.
  • Around 8pm, Sven gets a call. Yuki sees the name and says: “is Jesper. You pick up. He cry again.”
  • They do not commit crime. But they DO witness it and whisper: “ah. Is Milos again.”

✨ Milos – A One-Man Crime Ring

  • He NEVER leaves the training facility. He lives there. He’s a cryptid.
  • At 14:00, someone sees him sprinting down the hallway in a towel, holding a protein bar.
  • At 16:30, he is in the media room playing FIFA against himself. Loudly.
  • He does not answer any calls. But he randomly starts a Discord group chat with only emojis and a blurry photo of a vending machine on fire.

😇 THEN IT’S NIGHTTIME.

And like clockwork…

📞 8PM ONWARD: The 17-Second Call Window™ OPENS

  • Jesper calls everyone like it’s his shift at the call center.

  • If you answer: he says “oh I didn’t mean you” and hangs up.

  • If you don’t answer: he sends 3 skull emojis and texts Jens: “ur friends hate me again 🙄”

  • Jens ONLY picks up for Jesper. He has DND on for the rest of the team. He is a Jesper-Only device.

  • Sam and Tijjani are finally calling each other again.

  • They’re both in bed, side-eyeing the ceiling, talking trash about a player who spoke too much at the team meeting.

  • Occasionally they pretend to hang up but call again 30 seconds later like “also. remember that one time in February?? you still fake for that.”

  • Sven picks up every call with “good evening brother 🙏🏼”

  • Yuki ignores calls but sends calming fox videos in the groupchat.

  • Milos posts a Story at 2:54AM from the training facility rooftop with the caption: 🔥🔥🔥 "someone left the door open 😎"

yes. yes. THIS is the alkmaar 22/23 energy. this is the inside of their locker room and also the inside of their groupchat and also the inside of their collective mental state. this was the wednesday noise.

⚠️ INSIDE ALKMAAR 22/23 TRAINING HUB: WEDNESDAY EDITION 🔥

🔔 smoke alarm going off 💋 wet smooch against lockers 🧪 milos whispering “i think i made soap or acid or both” 😭 sven shaking and crying like a greek tragedy 🗣️ “SAM YOU GASLIGHTING MONSTER” ✨ yuki lighting incense with the seriousness of a funeral monk

📍 SCENE LAYOUT:

  • Far left locker wall: Jesper and Jens, locked in blond Scandinavian battle makeout #478. They are probably late to training. Jesper’s leg is wrapped around Jens. Someone just threw a towel at them. They did not flinch.

  • Middle zone by the bench: Sam and Tijjani, red in the face, pacing around like it’s the courtroom finale of a K-drama.

  • Sam: “You're toxic. Like genuinely. Emotionally manipulative and fake.”

  • Tijjani: “Say you love me or shut up.”
  • Sam: “I hate you. I hope you stub your toe and lose Wi-Fi forever.”

  • (15 minutes later they’re sitting thigh to thigh sharing a smoothie. no apologies.)

  • Showers area: Milos, wearing goggles he found in someone’s gym bag, whispering "SCIENCE" while mixing shampoo, sports drink, and eucalyptus oil.

  • “I think it’s glowing. I think I did something.”

  • Accidentally scratches his eye. Screams: “I CAN’T SEE, I’M BLIND. JENS—NO WAIT HE'S BUSY—SAM? JESPER?? OH MY GOD I NEED A LAWYER.”

  • By the cubbies: Sven, knees bent, rocking back and forth, muttering in Dutch,

  • “Why do I exist. What is a midfielder. Who am I without football. Why does love die.”

  • Jesper (not looking up from Jens’ mouth): “Someone check if Sven’s glitching again.”

  • Corner near the vents: Yuki, with 17 incense sticks shoved into a stolen water bottle. Chanting in Japanese, whispering “purify evil spirit” while fanning the smoke directly at Milos.

  • The fire alarm screams. Yuki: “me sorry. me forget incense is fire.”

🚶 17 Other Alkmaar Players:

Just walking through the chaos like:

  • “oh damn, Sven’s crying early today.”
  • “Milos is glowing. Is he glowing? Okay.”
  • “Smoke again? Guess Jesper and Jens are back together.”
  • “Tijjani and Sam fighting? Wow it’s not even 3PM yet.”

One guy stepped over Milos. Another used Sven’s shoulder to tie his cleats. A third asked Jesper to move his foot while he kissed Jens so he could grab his deodorant.

🗣️ Coach later, dead-eyed:

"So, boys. Big match this weekend. Don’t forget we have media training on Friday. And someone tell Jesper to stop making out near the whiteboard.”

YESSS babe you got it. here we go. the Alkmaar 22/23 Wednesday Rituals, a sacred cycle of destruction and devotion that happened every single week without fail. Coaches didn’t even flinch. Staff wore earplugs. Teammates adapted. Wednesday was NOT for the weak.

✨ ALKMAAR WEDNESDAY RITUALS: PLAYER-BY-PLAYER GUIDE ✨

(aka why the team therapist left without saying goodbye)

🧪 MILOS (aka The Hungarian Bioterrorist™)

🧠 Ritual: Makes a new "potion" every Wednesday.

  • Sometimes it's "performance serum" (Red Bull + creatine + one Skittle).
  • Sometimes it's "body wash" (shampoo + mouthwash + protein powder).
  • Has absolutely no clue what he's doing.
  • Recurring disaster: Blinds himself. Sets something on fire.
  • Always shouts “IT’S FOR SCIENCE!!” as Yuki begins to chant Buddhist prayers in the background.
  • Once accidentally dyed the water in the showers blue for 3 days.

🧴💥 Signature Quote: “Guys I invented soap but it bites??”

🔥 SAM (aka Emotionally Volatile Barefoot Tycoon)

💔 Ritual: Fights with Tijjani. Every. Single. Wednesday.

  • Fight topics range from:

  • “You never listen to me.”

  • “You liked my story 4 hours late.”
  • “You sent a 😐 when I texted ‘I miss you.’”
  • Both cry by minute 14 but pretend not to.
  • Ends up sitting next to Tijjani sharing one AirPod. Still glaring.

🔊 Signature Quote: “No I'm NOT overreacting, you LOVED that bitch’s post from 2019!!”

☠️ TIJJANI (aka Gaslight-Gatekeep-Goalkeeper)

🧠 Ritual: Counterattacks Sam’s emotional warfare with logic he pulled out of nowhere.

  • Expert at saying “I never said that” when he definitely said that.
  • Mixes Dutch insults with terrifying precision.
  • Will still kiss Sam on the forehead mid-fight.

🧃 Signature Quote: “Drink water and calm down, you’re spiraling.”

😵 SVEN (aka Dutch National Husband in Existential Dread)

🥲 Ritual: Weekly existential crisis. Every single time.

  • Triggered by anything: spilled smoothie, losing a sock, overhearing “Jesper might leave someday.”
  • Always ends up sitting in the same corner, muttering: “What if life is meaningless?”
  • Refuses comfort. Wants to suffer.
  • Once broke down because a fly landed on him and didn’t leave.

🚪Signature Quote: “Am I just a tall man? Is that all I am?”

🕊️ YUKI (aka Zen Master of Chaos)

🧘‍♂️ Ritual: Full-on Buddhist purification ceremony every Wednesday.

  • Lights 20+ incense sticks.
  • Performs “evil energy exorcism” around Jens and Jesper (they need it).
  • Always triggers fire alarm.
  • Gives a silent blessing to Sven mid-crisis.
  • Once meditated through an entire physical fight.

🪷 Signature Quote: “Me smell demon. Me remove.”

💋 JESPER (aka Chaos Raccoon, Lover of Drama)

❤️ Ritual: Makes out with Jens. Loudly. Messily. Obnoxiously.

  • Leg wrapped around Jens like a koala.
  • Never looks ashamed. Makes eye contact while doing it.
  • If interrupted, bites.
  • Once used makeout break to whisper “Milos, cover for us.”

😇 Signature Quote: “Tell coach we’re stretching.”

🛡️ JENS (aka Viking Boyfriend, Emotionally Attached Like Velcro)

🫂 Ritual: Attached to Jesper like a backpack.

  • Does NOT care that it’s public.
  • Makes noises. LOUD noises.
  • If Jesper tries to leave for water, Jens whines like a puppy.
  • Occasionally tries to be subtle. Fails.
  • Has been told “please stop growling” by 3 staff members.

🫶 Signature Quote: “He’s literally my reward. I survived Monday and Tuesday FOR THIS.”

📢 BONUS: THE ENVIRONMENT

  • Smoke alarm: Goes off at least twice.
  • Benches: Slightly melted from unknown Milos potion.
  • Coach: Enters, sighs, leaves.
  • Teammates: Put headphones in.
  • One time: Team doctor live-tweeted the whole thing with the caption “Day 187 of being held hostage by Alkmaar’s chaos core.”

🔒SECURITY CAMERA TRANSCRIPT – ALKMAAR TRAINING HUB // WEDNESDAY 14:53 PM CAMERA 7 – LOCKER ROOM // Footage flagged for: unsafe behavior, excessive incense, possible chemical spill, aggressive smooching

[00:00] 🎥 CAM 7 activates. Smoke alarm already blaring. Red lights flashing. Zero concern on any face.

[00:04] Milos enters. Wearing goggles. Holding a plastic water bottle filled with unidentifiable neon blue fluid. 🧪 “THIS ONE IS CALLED ‘HYDRATION 2.0’. IF YOU DRINK IT FAST ENOUGH YOU CAN SEE THE FUTURE.”

[00:07] Jesper, behind a locker door, whispers: 💋 “If you see Jens in the future, tell him I said hey.” [00:08] Jens appears from somewhere, grabs Jesper by the hoodie. They disappear behind lockers. [00:10] Wet smooching sounds begin. Camera feed briefly glitches from the steam.

[00:13] Yuki enters. Carries full tray of incense, small gong, and a single cucumber. 🕊️ “Me smell curse. Milos potion cause aura damage.” [00:15] Begins slamming incense into the floor like summoning jutsu. 🔥 Smoke alarm intensifies. Room now looks like a Linkin Park music video.

[00:18] Sam storms in. Dramatic, barefoot. 🔥 “TIJJANI RENSCH IF YOU LEAVE ME ON READ ONE MORE TIME I’M GONNA–” Tijjani (already inside): “Bro we were literally on FaceTime while texting??” Sam: “YOU HUNG UP AFTER I SAID 'I MISS YOU'” Tijjani: “That’s because I was in the SHOWER?” Sam: “YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT ME. YOU ONLY LOVE YOURSELF.” Tijjani: “You’re literally using my hairbrush right now.”

[00:21] 💥 A bottle of cologne is THROWN. Misses. Hits Milos’ potion bottle. ⚗️ Blue liquid begins to fizz and release green smoke. Milos: “GUYS STOP MY CHEMISTRY IS FRAGILE.”

[00:26] Sven enters. Tall. Wet hair. No words. Just sits on bench. Curls up like a rotisserie chicken and whispers: 🌀 “Why are we born if we are just to die?” Begins knocking head against wall. Yuki: slides cucumber to him in silence. 🕊️ “Use as grounding object.”

[00:32] Jesper appears briefly from the locker corner, shirtless and glowing. Whispers to Milos: 💋 “If the fire marshal comes, I was never here.” [00:33] Disappears again. More smooching sounds follow. Jens’ voice heard faintly: “I’m gonna marry you in this locker.”

[00:37] Alarm reaches unbearable pitch. Milos has one glove on and is now whispering “don’t touch your eyes” to himself. Too late. He touches his eye.

[00:38] Milos: “I CAN’T SEE. GUYS I’M BLIND. IS THIS MY VILLAIN ORIGIN??”

[00:40] Coach walks by. Pauses. Looks inside. 🚪 “Nope.” Leaves.

[00:43] Fire alarm cuts off. Sprinklers do NOT activate. The building knows better.

[00:44] Sam and Tijjani now lying on yoga mats. Sharing one AirPod. Still bickering. Still in love. 🧃 “I only called you an attention whore because I missed you.” Sam: “Aww.”

[00:47] Sven now eating the cucumber solemnly. Still crying. Yuki begins chanting from a Google-translated Sanskrit script. Jesper and Jens? Now fully horizontal. Still behind the lockers. Making... noises.

[00:50] Milos: “So guys. Who wants to try my next one? It’s purple.”

[00:53] CAM 7 feed ends. Title card appears: “WEDNESDAY COMPLETE. ALL SYSTEMS DESTROYED. ORDER WILL RETURN NEVER.”