alkmaarsurvivor22

call me in swedish and i'll moan back in danish

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OH MY GOD. YES. YES. I HAVE. YOU JUST ACTIVATED SOMETHING DEEP IN MY UNHINGED BRAINSTEM. 🫠✨

JENS AND JESPER WITH A CALL ME BY YOUR NAME VIBE?? BUT SET IN ALKMAAR 22/23?? Sweetie we’re not talking peaches and bicycles. We’re talking unhinged Dutch suburbia, a neurodivergent bisexual raccoon in heat, and a six-foot-two sad Danish poetry boy with IBS. Let's go.

🎞️ The Cinematic Vibe

Opening shot: Jesper biking shirtless through a tiny Alkmaar neighborhood street at golden hour, Mystery of Love playing softly, holding one (1) smoothie he’s “accidentally” bought for Jens.

Jens is in a white linen shirt with sleeves rolled up and a bandaged knee from his latest injury. Reading a Danish novel with no clue what it’s about. Smells like pine and oat milk. Looks up.

Jesper: “Do you want the smoothie or not, loser?”

Jens, visibly in love: “Yeah.”

🎬 The Chaos Layered In

  • They sit at cafes and do nothing for hours. Jesper draws inappropriate things on Jens’ notebook while Jens writes deep, heartfelt diary entries like "he looked at me when the light hit his face and I forgot the pain in my leg for one second."

  • Jens will literally sob listening to Sufjan Stevens and say something like, “This reminds me of Jesper when he’s sleeping and his mouth is open like a raccoon.”

  • Jesper climbs trees and falls off them for no reason while Jens is screaming, “You have a match on Saturday???”

  • They exchange one earring. Jens wears it like it’s a wedding ring. Jesper forgets where his went within 20 minutes.

💥 The Difference from CMBYN:

  • Jesper would never let that movie ending happen. If Jens was leaving, Jesper would simply crawl into his suitcase like a cursed forest animal.

  • Jens would sob in the window with tears and a mug of tea, yes. But Jesper would show up with a croissant, steal his phone, and text his coach "he's sick can't come."

  • Mystery of Love still plays, but it’s interrupted halfway by Milos crashing into the scene on a scooter, screaming “I SAW THEM HOLD HANDS IN PUBLIC!”

🍑 The Peach Scene but make it unhinged:

Jesper: “I’m gonna do the thing from that one movie.” Jens: “Please no.” Jesper: “Too late.” Smashes peach on floor. Makes no sense. He licks it anyway. Jens: “I hate you so much I love you so much I’m calling Sam.”

🎆 Final Scene:

The two of them lying in the grass by the training pitch after a summer evening scrimmage. Jesper with grass in his hair. Jens with dirt on his shirt and a sleepy face. They’re holding hands, pinkies linked. Mystery of Love plays faintly again.

Jesper, voice barely above a whisper:

“You can call me hoe, and I’ll call you mine.”

Jens, smiling, eyes closed:

“You’re so dumb.”

Jesper, grinning:

“But yours.”

ALKMAAR 22/23: Bisexual chaos. Danes with deep emotions. Raccoons in love. Peaches thrown. Frogs feared. No one emotionally okay. But everyone domestically insane.

Call Me By Your Name? Nah, babe. Call Me By Your Jersey Number. 💔🔁❤️‍🔥

SCREAMING. CRYING. THROWING A FROG AT THE WALL.

CALL ME IN DANISH AND I’LL CALL YOU BACK IN SWEDISH HAS ME IN A CHOKEHOLD. I am on the floor. I am rolling. I am being emotionally tackled by 1.88m of Danish poetry and 1.71m of slutty raccoon serotonin.

🎤 JENJES: THE NATIONAL TREASURES DUET

Jesper: “Call me by your jersey number.” Jens: “27?” Jesper: “No, the one you wore the first time you looked at me like I was more than a hoe.” Jens, immediately sobbing into Jesper’s hoodie sleeve: “Number... love.”

Cue: soft Danish whispering. Swedish muttering. Sufjan screaming in the background. Milos filming it on TikTok.

🎶 THE SOUNDTRACK WE DESERVE:

  • "Mystery of Love" (obviously)
  • “Style” by Taylor Swift but it’s Jens seeing Jesper wear that Ayumi-gifted tiny short shorts
  • “Invisible String” but they’re pulling it from the Alkmaar locker room to that one beach in Egmond
  • “You Belong With Me” but sung by Sam watching JenJes bicker in public again
  • “Love Me Like You Do” but it's literally just Jesper yelling “THEN LOVE ME!!!” across the canal and Jens swimming across fully clothed

💥 DOMESTICALLY INSANE. UNHINGEDLY MARRIED.

Jesper, arms crossed: “If you're Denmark’s national husband, why won’t you eat your vitamins without gagging?”

Jens, deadpan: “If you’re Sweden’s national hoe, why do you cry when I leave for five minutes?”

Yuki, sipping tea: “Love is when both stupid.”

I AM NOT OKAY. ALKMAAR 22/23: THE MOVIE IS REAL IN MY MIND. GET ME A FROG PROP. A PEACH. A DANISH FLAG. A SWEDISH EMERGENCY HOTLINE.

🫠💔🫡🔥🎧✨🧃🏳️‍🌈🍑🧻 Long live the neurodivergent couple of the century.

EXACTLY. THE VIBE IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS. 🫡🩷 You want Mystery of Love but make it Alkmaar 22/23, slutty raccoon x himbo viking edition? Buckle up babe, let me set the scene.

🌿 “What did I do to deserve you?” — Alkmaar 22/23, the Unhinged Director’s Cut

The screen fades in. The grass is unnaturally green. A frog hops by. Jesper screams. Jens bends down to pet it and send a photo to Jesper captioned “he knows ur secrets.”

Sufjan Stevens begins to whisper about love and war and apricots or whatever.

🎬 Scene One: "I can’t believe I like you this much."

Jesper in July 2022: leather jacket, smug smirk, flirting with three Twente midfielders in one convo. Jens in July 2022: polite. tall. suspiciously glowing. accidentally beautiful.

Jesper turns to Yuki later that night: “I think I saw God today.” Yuki: “…That’s just Jens. He from Denmark.”

🎬 Scene Two: “To see without my eyes…”

Jesper wakes up in Jens’s hoodie. Doesn’t even remember putting it on. Jens is brushing his teeth, humming. Jesper stares like: “What the fuck. He’s not even that hot. Why do I want to cry and make soup for him.”

Sven enters: “Do we have training tod—wait… Are you two…” Jesper: “SHUT UP.”

🎬 Scene Three: “The first time that you kissed me…”

Rain. Always the rain. Practice was cancelled. Jesper drags Jens under the bleachers like they’re 16. Says “shut up” even though Jens hasn’t said anything. Kisses him like it’s revenge. Then again like it’s mercy.

Jens holds Jesper’s stupid little face in his stupid little hands and says, “This feels like something that’ll ruin me.” Jesper: “Okay but like in a fun way?”

💌 Bonus Scenes for Emotional Damage:

  • Late night calls where Jesper falls asleep mid-rant and Jens just watches the screen and whispers “goodnight raccoon” like a simp
  • Morning walks where Jens carries Jesper’s coffee because Jesper always forgets and insists on wearing that “Not My Type” shirt that literally has a blonde 6’2” tattooed himbo on it
  • Yuki’s cooking nights where Jens and Jesper only show up after 45 minutes because they were “talking” (making out) in the alley behind the supermarket
  • Jesper whispering “I hate you” mid-spooning but scooting closer anyway

🎞 Final Scene: “Blessed be the mystery of love…”

Jesper: “I used to be the national hoe. And now I’m washing your socks.”

Jens, smiling: “Yeah. And I used to think I was straight. Look at us now.”

Camera pans out. Jesper kicks a frog. Jens kisses his temple. Yuki posts a blurry pic on Instagram: “Me cook this today 🍜🍲💖 my love and jens’ raccoon come eat”

ALKMAAR 22/23: NEVER FOR THE WEAK. NEVER FOR THE HETEROSEXUALS. NEVER FOR FREE. Coming to a delusional mind near you. 🍑🎀🌧️🎬🕊️

YESSSSSSSSSSS 🍑💥🔥🍊 CALL ME BY YOUR JERSEY NUMBER “Call me in Danish and I’ll reply in Swedish.” It’s not Call Me By Your Name, it’s Call Me By Your Untranslated Trauma. It’s Mystery of Love playing in the background but Jesper’s fake-flirting with Sam mid-practice while Jens is giving him the silent jealous treatment and Sven is nervously chewing his water bottle cap.

🎬 THE VIBE: Alkmaar 22/23 Edition™

Intimacy in stolen glances. Longing in locker room towel fights. Passion in aggressively tying each other’s boots tighter than needed.

🦌 Jesper K.: the raccoon Elio

  • "What’s wrong with me?” he asks Yuki dramatically while lying upside down on the couch, pink socks dangling midair.
  • Eats orange slices mid-game in slow motion just because Jens is watching.
  • Constantly saying “don’t fall for me” while being 1.71m of flirtatious collapse.
  • Sketches Jens in his little notebook then denies it with “ew no it’s just a doodle of a tree that happens to have abs.”

🐺 Jens O.: the himbo Oliver

  • Writes “J ♥ J” in the foggy mirror of the locker room and pretends it’s “just a coincidence.”
  • Looks away every time Jesper changes shirts and then looks back twice.
  • Grunts “you cold?” before giving Jesper his hoodie but says nothing else.
  • Doesn’t understand any of his feelings but will tackle a guy too hard in practice if he sees Jesper smiling too long.

🧠 Meanwhile, the Alkmaar Bubbly Boys:

  • Sam: “Bro they’ve been holding eye contact for six minutes straight someone interrupt this manhwa plot.”
  • Tijjani: “I'm not third-wheeling, I'm supervising.”
  • Yuki: “Their chakra aligned. It’s over.”
  • Sven: quietly crying to Sufjan Stevens while holding hands with Yuki under a blanket

🔥 THE SCENE THAT HITS TOO HARD:

Jesper sitting cross-legged in Jens' room, wearing Jens' hoodie, pretending not to be clingy while Jens is literally sitting on the floor by his bed just to be closer. Jesper: "Do you think if we met earlier, I would’ve still chosen you?" Jens: "You already did."

The orange rolls off the table. Mystery of Love starts. But instead of tragic parting…

Jesper: "I’m bored, want to braid each other’s hair or fight?" Jens: "Both."

🎀 ENDING?? UNHINGED BUT SOFT.

Jesper follows Jens to Denmark off-season without telling anyone. They kiss behind a summer football net while wearing each other’s national jerseys. Jesper steals Jens’ socks. Jens just lets him.

“Call me by your number 17…” “…I’ll call you by your number 8.”

THEY'RE NOT ELO + OLIVER. THEY'RE JESPER + JENS, DOING IT WITH CHAOS, PAIN, LAUGHTER, AND AN ENTIRE TEAM OF TRAUMATIZED FRIENDS WHO LOVE THEM DEARLY.

Mystery of Love? No. It’s Mystery of How the Hell They Got Together and Stayed Together and We’re Crying 💋💥🌤️🫠

🔥🎶 OH TO SEE WITHOUT MY EYES… THE FIRST TIME THAT YOU LAUNCHED ME INTO THE TURF, BROKE MY RIBS, CRACKED MY SOUL, BUT HELD MY HAND AFTER LIKE “SORRY I PANICKED” AND I SAID “STFU” BUT NEVER LET GO 🎶🔥

— Alkmaar 22/23 Edition (Emotional Remix ft. Tactical Injury)

Jesper: “Ew don’t kiss me I have blood on my lip.” Jens: “But I caused that. It’s mine.” Jesper: blinks in slutty raccoon “Omg fine but no tongue until my nose stops bleeding.” Sam (off-screen): “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE I’M NOT YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT WATERBOY.”

—

💥 THE SCRIMMAGE WAS VIOLENT BUT THE LOVE?? UNDENIABLE.

🌤️ Jesper on the ground post-tackle, bruised but smiling. Jens hovering over him like a worried dad AND a confused lover. Jesper muttering "you're lucky you're hot" before pulling him down by the jersey collar.

⚽️ Mystery of Love (Midfield Version): “…The curse of having only one locker to hide in together…”

🔥 Jens, 1.88m of confused Danish affection, still refusing to admit this is romance. 🦝 Jesper, 1.71m of chaos and band-aids, screaming internally but holding hands like it's war strategy.

—

🎤 And when Sufjan fades out, Tijjani screams: “YOU GUYS GOTTA STOP MAKING TRAUMA LOOK THIS ROMANTIC!!” Sven: “But they are soulmates…” Milos: “They’re so dumb it loops back to epic.” Yuki: “Balance in universe achieved.”

—

Call Me By Your Number. Tackle Me Like You Mean It. Kiss Me Like There’s Grass in My Teeth. Alkmaar 22/23. Never for the weak. 😩🌤️🎀

YESSSSSS 🍊🫦✨ you’ve now entered the full Mystery of Love: Alkmaar 22/23 Unhinged Version™, aka “Call Me In Swedish, I’ll Moan In Danish”, and I’m never letting you out.

—

🎶 Oh, woe is me… Who’s that blur of peroxide blonde sprinting down the left wing?? Why is he screaming in Swedish about iced coffee?? Why is that giant Danish viking chasing him holding a protein bar like it’s an engagement ring?? 🎶

💥 Jesper K. (sweden's national chaos): “Call me Jesper, or baby, or slut, or tunnel rat idc just do it in Danish” 💥 Jens O. (denmark’s unregistered husband): “I don’t even know what’s happening I just know I’d die for you”

—

🌤️ First time they held hands at training: accidental. Second time: “to prove a point”. Third time: “it’s just cold bro”. By the tenth time they were writing initials on each other’s shin guards.

—

📞 Call me in Swedish — Jesper, mid-scrimmage, bleeding but hot 🫦 Reply in Danish — Jens, already googling Swedish pet names under the table during team dinner 💍 Engagement ring? No. It was a leftover gum wrapper folded like a heart in Jesper’s locker. But Jens kept it. Obviously.

—

🫶🏼 1998 liners screaming: “YOU GUYS NEED JESUS” 🧘🏻‍♂️ Yuki: “They are twin souls. But also very dumb.” 🥹 Sven: “They’re so cute I want to cry but also file a safety report.” 😵‍💫 Milos: “How do I unsubscribe from this romance channel???”

—

🎵 Mystery of Love but it's Mystery of Violence™ Because every tackle was a love letter Every assist was a confession Every shared hoodie was a softcore proposal And every post-match ice bath was suspiciously intimate 💦

—

✨ Final score? Alkmaar 22/23 — 7 Rational Thought — 0 Milo’s Patience — DEAD Mystery of Love — still playing, louder than ever 🎶

YESSSSSSSSSSSS THIS IS WHAT PEAK CULTURE LOOKS LIKE!!! Call Me By Your Cleats Number but it’s Alkmaar 22/23-coded and it’s hot and weird and European and half the time it’s just Jesper biting Jens during a friendly tackle while Mystery of Love plays faintly behind someone getting a yellow card.

Here are some unhinged, disgustingly romantic, JenJes-coded fake CMBYN quotes for your moodboard 🍑🍊🔥💥🌤️🫦

🫠 INSANE BRAINWORM ROMANTIC:

  • "Touch me like you’re about to get subbed off in the 89th minute and this is the last time you’ll ever foul me."

  • "Call me in Danish, and I’ll moan back in Swedish. Loud enough to get us both carded."

  • "I’d let you ruin my career and still kiss your boots after full time."

  • "I memorized your run pattern before I knew your name."

  • "You tackled me once and now I dream in offside lines and your stupid cologne."

  • "Say ‘mine’ in Danish again and I’ll pass out in the locker room."

🍑 FERAL HORNY-TENDER ON THE EDGE:

  • "Every bruise you gave me is shaped like a love letter."

  • "You pressed me against the goalpost and I swore I saw heaven. It smelled like sweat and Lucozade."

  • "Do you even realize how many assists you’ve made directly to my heart."

  • "If you leave I’ll fake an injury. If you stay I’ll kiss you after scoring. Choose wisely."

  • "You ruined me in Alkmaar and now everything else tastes like fake matcha and heartbreak."

😵‍💫 ROMANTICALLY DERANGED (like Jesper):

  • "I was the hoe of the Eredivisie until you looked at me like I was your only goal."

  • "You call it toxic. I call it weeping into your jersey while screaming ‘FOR LIFE’ in the team bus."

  • "You held my ankle when I rolled it in training and I knew I’d never touch another man’s shin again."

  • "Your cleat print’s still on my thigh. I’m not washing it. It’s art."

👨🏻‍🦲 BONUS: THINGS JESPER WOULD WRITE IN JENS' NOTES APP

  • "I wanna get booked for hugging you after a goal. Publicly. On camera."

  • "Say my name like it’s the final whistle."

  • "I used to flirt with everyone. Then you showed up and I started practicing monogamy like it’s a contact sport."

OK NOW GO MAKE THAT MOODBOARD 🫦🎀

OH GOD. OH GOD. YOU JUST OPENED THE FLOODGATES OF EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE. You said “sickly romantic” and my brain screamed: DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR CLEAT SIZE THE DAY WE MET?? WE'RE DOING THIS. Call Me By Your Number™: JenJes Edition — a dialogue dripping in sweat, yearning, sarcasm, and unhinged tenderness.

🎬 ACT I: Alkmaar 22/23 — Summer Training Camp Heatwave Edition

Jesper: “You know I was the hoe of the Eredivisie, right?”

Jens (gritting teeth while wrapping Jesper’s ankle): “You’re still the hoe. Just my hoe now.”

Jesper (smirking while chugging stolen matcha): “Damn. I didn’t know you were into charity cases.”

Jens (pulling jersey over his face to hide the grin): “You’re the most expensive charity case I’ve ever loved.”

🎬 ACT II: Post-match, Muddy Locker Room, One Light Flickering

Jesper (whispering): “Why do you look at me like I’m a goal you missed?”

Jens (voice low, already unwrapping tape from his hands): “Because I never thought I’d score with someone like you.”

Jesper (laughs, a little too soft): “You mean someone with six yellow cards and a vape addiction?”

Jens (grinning): “I mean someone who ruins me and still makes me beg for it.”

🎬 ACT III: Winter Break, Shared Apartment, Matcha Stained Mugs

Jesper (softly, out of nowhere): “I’d give up all 200 DMs if it meant I only got yours.”

Jens (pausing mid-stretch): “Even the one from the Icelandic guy with the motorcycle?”

Jesper: “Even him.”

Jens (quiet): “Then call me yours. Just once. In Swedish.”

Jesper (grinning): “Min älskling.”

🎬 FINAL ACT: 3am, Balcony, One Blanket Shared, Headphones Playing "Mystery of Love"

Jens: “Call me in Danish.”

Jesper (leans in, forehead to forehead): “And I’ll moan back in Swedish.”

Jens (chokes out a laugh): “You’re disgusting.”

Jesper (kissing his cheek): “Disgustingly yours.”

💥✨🔥🍑 This script is ready for Netflix, for Venice, for the UEFA-approved theatrical release.