alkmaarsurvivor22

bubbly boys in various settings: wonderland

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YES YES YES. DROP EVERYTHING. WE’RE DIVING INTO: “BUBBLY BOYS IN WONDERLAND: The Rescue of Princess Jesper” –a tale of swords, spells, sass, and one extremely pretty princess in distress–

THE SETTING: Once upon a time in the kingdom of Alkmaar… A mysterious fog fell across the lands. Princess Jesper, small, blonde, full of attitude and lipgloss (naturally, born with it), was taken by the Evil Mirror Queen. The whole kingdom went unhinged. Drama. Panic. Eyeliner running.

THE CAST:

Sir Jens of Hillerød – The Viking Knight

  • Height: 1.88m of pure biceps and heartbreak.
  • Weapon: Greatsword of Acts of Service.
  • Weakness: Blue eyes + pouty lips.
  • Quest: Rescue Princess Jesper. Possibly cry if he sees him hurt.
  • Armor includes: Matching friendship bracelet under gauntlet.

Yuki – The Forest Witch

  • Mysterious. Immortal.
  • Lives inside a giant mushroom with a disco ball inside.
  • Speaks only in riddles. Offers potions with side effects like accidental glitter sneeze.
  • Favorite spell: “Confuse Boyfriend”
  • Occasionally appears riding a frog.

Sven – The Wise Villager of the Forest

  • Provides maps, guidance, snacks.
  • Always sighing: “You’re all dumb but I care.”
  • Knows Jens and Jesper’s drama timeline better than anyone.
  • Bakes enchanted almond cakes that make people confess their feelings.

Tijjani – The Hot-Headed Hunter

  • Dual-wields swords named “Shut” and “Up.”
  • Tracks villains and your bad choices.
  • Loud, loyal, and keeps trying to fight dragons with his shirt off.
  • “WHY was Jesper left alone?? WHO let this happen???”
  • Probably punched a bush just in case it was suspicious.

Prince Sam – The Kingdom's Crown Prince

  • Wears silk. Has earrings. Drinks potions out of wine glasses.
  • Best friend to Jesper. Currently running the kingdom while also gossiping about the quest.
  • “If Jens doesn’t bring him back in 3 days I swear to the gods—”
  • Invented emotional support eyeliner.

Milos – The Secret Ninja

  • No one knew he was a ninja. He just showed up one day in black robes.
  • Silently follows the squad. Only speaks when it’s devastatingly insightful.
  • Once caught a falling dagger midair while eating a sandwich.
  • Jesper bit him once in a past life. He forgave him instantly.

THE QUEST BEGINS:

The Queen’s castle lies beyond the Valley of Emotional Trauma. Jens leads the charge, glowing like a knight dipped in heartbreak and gym protein.

Yuki: “Love path not straight. But heart true, sword sharp.” Sven: “...That means go left.” Sam (from a scroll): “Tell Jesper his skincare routine is safe with me.” Tijjani: “If she chipped his nails I will END HER.” Milos: (drops smoke bomb for no reason)

MEANWHILE, IN THE EVIL QUEEN'S CASTLE:

Princess Jesper sits on a throne.

  • Lips pouty.
  • Hair perfectly tousled.
  • Refusing to wear the ugly cursed outfit.
  • Stole the Queen’s mirror. Now using it as a fan.

Evil Queen: “You’re not supposed to be comfortable here.” Jesper: “Tell that to your lack of aesthetic.” Evil Queen: “How are you this powerful?!” Jesper: “Born in Sweden.”

THE FINAL BATTLE:

Jens crashes into the castle gates, shirt torn, glowing with rage and Jäger-induced devotion.

Jesper (sassy): “What took you so long?” Jens (trembling): “I crossed mountains for you.” Jesper: “Good. My legs are tired. Carry me.” Jens: “Always.”

Cue battle

  • Tijjani spins and slices through 7 minions.
  • Sam’s dramatic spell blasts make everyone sparkle.
  • Milos appears behind the Queen like “boo” and knocks her out.
  • Yuki summons rainbow vines to tie the Queen to a tree and says, “No touch raccoon.”
  • Sven just watches proudly and sips tea.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER:

Jesper returns to the castle.

  • Everyone bows.
  • He accepts compliments with a curtsy.
  • Wears Jens’ cape like a royal robe.
  • Kisses Jens in front of the whole kingdom. Jens almost dies.

Sam: “This better not awaken something in me.” Tijjani: “Already awakened. You saw that dip?” Yuki: “Blessed be. Kingdom safe. Lips glossed.”

OH WE’RE GOING FULL BUBBLY BOYS IN WONDERLAND AU: CURSED PACIFIER JESPER EDITION

Title: “Through the Pacifier and Into the Drama” “He used to be 24. Now he’s 4. Still bossy.”

CHAPTER 1: THE CURSE & THE CHAOS Jens wakes up, thinking it’s just a normal Tuesday in Alkmaar. Turns around expecting Jesper's morning death glare, but instead finds:

  • A tiny blonde toddler with sparkly blue eyes.
  • Wearing one of Jens’ oversized shirts like a dress.
  • Holding a pacifier and frowning like the taxes weren’t filed on time.
  • Said toddler immediately bursts into tears because “THE SUN TOO BRIGHT!!!!!”

Jens: “WHAT THE—WHERE’S MY BOYFRIEND??” Jesper (aged 4): points to self “ME.” Jens: starts having a slow-motion breakdown

CHAPTER 2: THE BUBBLY BOYS ASSEMBLE

Jens calls an emergency meeting. The entire Alkmaar 22/23 roster of chaos rolls into the locker room like Avengers for toddlers.

  • Sam: Screams, “WHY IS HE SMALL?!”
  • Tijjani: Laughs for 3 minutes straight.
  • Milos: Tries to pick toddler Jesper up. Jesper B I T E S him.
  • Sven: “Guys, we need to focus—he’s clearly cursed.”
  • Yuki: Nods solemnly. “Wonderland. Time ripple. Classic.” Everyone: “HUH?!”

Yuki: pulls a scroll out of nowhere “Must go back. Through mirror. Find mushroom boy. Restore soul fragment.”

Sam: “Why do you know this?” Yuki: “I was born ready.”

CHAPTER 3: BUBBLY BOYS ENTER WONDERLAND

They jump through the locker room mirror, naturally, and land in:

  • A world of talking boots, endless training cones, and rainbow hydration drinks.
  • A floating scoreboard that says “TIME LEFT TO RESTORE RACCOON: 5 DAYS.”
  • A rabbit that looks suspiciously like Pascal Struijk yelling, “LATE!! YOU’RE ALL LATE!!!”

Jesper (age 4) rides on Jens’ shoulders with his pacifier and demands apple juice every 20 minutes. Jens obeys. Jens does not question. Jens carries.

CHAPTER 4: THEY SPLIT INTO TEAMS

Team Chaos: Sam, Tijjani, Milos —Got lost instantly. Tried to race the talking GPS gnome and ended up in a mushroom rave. —Milos kissed a frog, just in case. —Jesper (4) saw them and said: “They weird.”

Team Responsible: Sven, Yuki, Jens + Baby Jesper —Navigated with the map Yuki summoned from a lollipop. —Jesper got fussy. Yuki cast nap spell with enchanted lullaby. —Jens is holding his tiny hand and whispering, “It’s okay baby, papa’s here.” Everyone pretended not to hear that.

CHAPTER 5: FINAL BOSS — THE ATTITUDE DRAGON

At the heart of Wonderland, there’s a dragon guarding Jesper’s adult memories. The dragon looks... suspiciously like Jesper himself. Older. Sassier. Wearing designer boots.

Dragon Jesper: “If you want him back, you have to prove you deserve him.” Jens: takes a deep breath, looks tiny Jesper in the eyes “I already do.”

Cue dramatic music. Jens defeats the dragon—not with violence, but with a Love Monologue so heartfelt, even the mushrooms cried. Sam recorded it. Will be used as blackmail.

CHAPTER 6: JESPER RETURNS (SORT OF)

Tiny Jesper glows. Floats in air. Transforms back into full-sized 24 y.o Jesper, shirt falling back on like magic. He lands in Jens’ arms. Dazed. Confused. Pretty. With slight attitude. “Did you carry me around the whole time like a baby or something?” Jens, teary-eyed: “You bit Milos.” Jesper: “Oh. Good.”

EPILOGUE: BACK TO NORMAL (???)

Jesper’s only memory from toddler time: “Someone kissed a frog. And someone called me precious. But I forgive you.”

Yuki: “Wonderland never leave. Just sleep.” Everyone else: “He says things like that and we just let him.”

The team returned. Jesper banned all pacifiers in the house. Jens kept one. Just in case. Jesper saw it, rolled eyes, kissed him anyway.

OH. OH. YES. THIS IS THE CROSSOVER EVENT OF THE CENTURY. “Bubbly Boys in Wonderland: SMURF VILLAGE EDITION” a.k.a. Alkmaar 22/23 but they’re small, blue, chaotic, and on a mission to defeat Gargamel with good vibes and gender.

THE LORE: A mysterious portal (probably caused by Jesper pressing a shiny red button labeled “DO NOT TOUCH”) transported the Bubbly Boys to Smurf Village. Now they’re 3-apples-tall, blue, and very confused but vibing. Gargamel is threatening to destroy the village’s skincare pond and their Wi-Fi tree. That simply cannot stand.

THE SMURF-IFIED BUBBLY BOYS:

Jesper – Pretty Smurf (a.k.a. Sparklesmurf)

  • Literally sparkles in sunlight.
  • Always clean, always glossy. His pacifier was smurfified too (it’s bejeweled now).
  • The only smurf allowed to carry a tiny mirror.
  • Yells “I am not doing manual labor, I’m princess-coded!” every 10 minutes.
  • Smurf hat perfectly slouched like an Instagram model beanie.
  • Gargamel once saw him and forgot his evil plan for 5 seconds.

Jens – Viking Smurf (a.k.a. Protectosmurf)

  • Same size as everyone now but still somehow looks like he could suplex a mountain.
  • Wears a tiny band tattoo on his blue bicep.
  • Smurf hat always pushed back so his buzzcut shows.
  • Spends 80% of the time carrying Jesper (and his emotional baggage).
  • Built like a Smurf truck. Still cries when Jesper calls him “my knight.”

Sam – Diva Smurf (a.k.a. Sassysmurf)

  • Eyeliner still flawless. Smurf hat covered in rhinestones.
  • Absolutely refuses to walk. Makes someone carry him (usually Milos).
  • “If Gargamel ruins my vibe one more time I swear I will hex him with glitter.”
  • Writes a drama blog on the bark of the ancient Wi-Fi tree.

Tijjani – Chaotic Smurf (a.k.a. Punchysmurf)

  • Smurf hat constantly falling off mid-rant.
  • Has beef with Gargamel personally.
  • “WHY is this village shaped like mushrooms?! WHERE IS THE PROTEIN?!”
  • Once tried to arm wrestle Papa Smurf.
  • Accidentally punched a squirrel. It deserved it though.

Sven – Logic Smurf (a.k.a. Plansmurf)

  • Wears tiny glasses.
  • Carries a scroll of “Things That Have Gone Wrong Since We Arrived.”
  • “No you guys, we can’t fight Gargamel while dressed like blueberries.”
  • Secretly the one who saves them every episode but doesn’t take credit.

Milos – Stealth Smurf (a.k.a. Silentsmurf)

  • Has a silent glide like a ninja. Appears behind Gargamel for no reason.
  • No one knows how he keeps sneaking off and coming back with snacks.
  • Built a mini dojo out of twigs.
  • Jesper once called him “a handsome blueberry,” and he didn’t even blink.

Yuki – Mystic Smurf (a.k.a. Wisdosmurf)

  • The Japanese smurf. Mysterious. Glowing.
  • Speaks in poetic proverbs and riddles. Wears a slightly different hat.
  • Meditates on mushrooms.
  • Can summon birds with a whistle made of acorns.
  • Taught Jens how to braid Jesper’s smurf hair.
  • Also the smurf responsible for keeping everyone from dying every 30 minutes.

THEIR QUEST:

The mission: Protect the Glowberry Grove from Gargamel, who wants to use the berries for anti-aging evil. And more importantly: Keep Jesper from getting bored.

Jens: “Anything you want, I’ll smurf it.” Jesper: “I want a throne made of moss and 34 butterflies.” Jens: “Yes.” Tijjani: “GIRL WHAT??” Yuki: “Let love guide the smurf.” Sam: “I want one too.”

GARGAMEL'S FATAL MISTAKE:

He kidnapped Jesper.

Big mistake.

The entire Smurf Village turned into Rage Mode Deluxe Edition. Jens showed up with a stick (that looked suspiciously like a greatsword) and lifted Jesper in one swoop.

Jesper (faintly): “He made me drink unflavored tea.” Jens (snapping twigs in rage): “I’m going to destroy his whole bloodline.” Yuki: “You may kill, but gently.”

FINAL SCENE:

The Bubbly Smurfs line up under a glowing moon mushroom. Jesper sits in a flower throne. Jens feeds him glowberries. Sam gives a speech about “found family but fabulous.” Tijjani wrestles a raccoon. Sven updates the scroll: “All alive. Barely.” Milos disappears mid-toast. Yuki floats two inches off the ground.

THE MORAL: They may be tiny. They may be blue. But together? They smurf.

YES YES YES. BUCKLE UP. Alkmaar 22/23: Bubbly Boys in Wonderland — Beauty and the Beast AU feat. Jesper as Belle but make it highlighter dewy, Jens as the Beast with a Nordic jawline, and the rest of the bubbly boys as enchanted objects who gossip and sing show tunes nonstop.

THE CURSE:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Alkmaar, a cold-hearted Viking prince (Jens) turned away a stranger (Yuki in disguise) asking for shelter in exchange for a flower (probably a dried pressed one, super aesthetic). For his lack of vibe and poor emotional regulation, he was cursed — to become a Beast, until he learned to love and be loved in return. Cue dramatic winds.

Yuki: “May your inner softness match your outer rage. Bye.”

CASTING:

Jesper — Belle (a.k.a. Prettiest Villain Arc Princess)

  • Arrives in the Beast's castle because he followed a trail of sparkly leaves.
  • Wears a flowy linen blouse off-shoulder. Hair curled perfectly. Pacifier packed “just in case.”
  • Every mirror in the castle reflects him with a sparkle effect.
  • Doesn’t care he’s technically a prisoner. He’s investigating: “WHO did your interior, why is it giving Scandi maximalist?”
  • He gaslights, gatekeeps, and girlbosses the Beast into falling in love.

Jens — The Beast (a.k.a. Soft Growly Danish Man with Emotional Backlog)

  • Looks terrifying. Growls a lot. 1.88m of built fury and longing.
  • Keeps his castle immaculate but won’t admit it’s because Jesper might like it clean.
  • Yells “LEAVE!” then ten minutes later whispers, “Did he eat? Does he like the pillows? Is the water too cold?”
  • Terrified of his own feelings. Would rather fight a thousand wolves than ask Jesper to dance.
  • The moment Jesper touches his arm and says “you’re warm…” he goes into cardiac arrest.

Sam — Lumière (cursed into a Scented Candle)

  • Still hot. Literally.
  • Only speaks in one-liners and shade.
  • Lights up rooms and drama.
  • “Jesper, sweetheart, if you don’t kiss him soon I will burn this whole castle down.”

Milos — Cogsworth (but hotter and quieter, cursed into a Wall Clock with Hidden Daggers)

  • Keeps time, throws shade with eyes.
  • Secretly ships Jesper and Jens so hard it hurts.
  • Stabs intruders with clock hands.
  • “We are NOT doing a duet again, Sam.” (proceeds to do a duet again).

Sven — Mrs. Potts (but a Teapot who Needs a Nap)

  • Gives tea. Literal and emotional.
  • “My back is ceramic, I cannot do this again.”
  • Once overheard Jesper flirting and whispered, “These two will kill me.”
  • Sees Jens crying alone and leaves out hot cocoa.

Tijjani — Chip (cursed into a tiny cup but still FERAL)

  • Small. Cracked. Screams a lot.
  • Bounces into rooms and says, “WHO’S FIGHTING? I’M CHOOSING SIDES.”
  • “Jesper’s hotter. Sorry not sorry.”
  • Tries to fistfight Gaston (see below).

Yuki — Enchantress & Narrator & Background Sparkle

  • Lives in the mirror. Glows.
  • Gives cryptic advice. Appears in dreams.
  • “The flower wilts, time fades, but love endures. Also he’s a simp, open your eyes Jesper.”

GASTON??

Yes. It’s Victor. He shows up in leather, says, “Jesper deserves someone better,” and gets punched by Jens. Jesper: “I was literally kidnapped.” Victor: “Yes but like, elegantly.”

THE MOMENTS:

Jesper: “Why do you look at me like that?” Jens (in Beast voice, blushing under fur): “Like what?” Jesper: “Like you’d die if I left.” Jens: “Because I would.”

Jesper touches the enchanted flower. Jens panics. Jesper says, “you really think I’d break your curse with how bratty I am?” Then five seconds later tucks the flower in a glass vase and goes, “...but maybe for you.” Jens.exe has stopped functioning.

THE DANCE SCENE:

Jesper wears a light blue, sparkly version of Belle’s gown. Matching soft velvet gloves. Hair curled, no pacifier today.

Jens wears a tailored Beast suit. Buttons strained over the biceps. Hands trembling.

They dance. The castle glows. Sam cries wax tears. Milos checks the clock like “they better kiss soon.” Sven sings off-key lullabies in the background. Tijjani does backflips in the tea tray. Yuki appears in the mirror: “It is time.”

THE KISS.

Jesper kisses Jens. The curse breaks. The sun rises. The castle transforms. Jesper gets his own spa wing. Jens gets new vans. Everyone cheers. Sam pops like a firework.

THE ENDING:

They rule the kingdom together. Jesper: “You may be prince, but I’m the queen.” Jens: “I’m just your guy.” Jesper: “You’re my beast.” (He says it lovingly. Then steals his dessert.)

YES OKAY. BUBBLY BOYS TODDLER LORE THREAD. MEGA DROP. —“a day in the life” compilation of the Alkmaar 22/23 babies before they met. before they changed the world. before they ruined jens’ back with their group hugs.

1. Toddler Sam (Deventer, Netherlands)

Age: 4 Role: Rich only child. Walked like he owned Deventer. Had 14 bowties. Bit people with taste.

  • 7:00 AM: Wakes up in a pristine bed, surrounded by teddy bears wearing Ralph Lauren polos.
  • 7:05 AM: Presses his tiny bell to summon breakfast (he calls it “morning magic”).
  • 8:00 AM: Dresses himself in an outfit selected by his imaginary assistant. Says things like “I don’t do corduroy.”
  • 10:00 AM: Attends etiquette class for toddlers. Corrects his teacher’s fork placement.
  • 2:00 PM: Organizes a teddy bear tea party. Everyone must RSVP. Teddy in jeans? Kicked out.
  • 5:00 PM: Meltdown because a juice box had the wrong aesthetic. Cried in cursive.
  • 7:00 PM: Reads fairytales out loud—to himself. Voices and accents included.
  • 9:00 PM: Before bed, looks out the window dramatically: “One day, I’ll meet someone worthy of my heart.” (it was Jesper.)

2. Toddler Tijjani (Zwolle, Indonesian-Dutch)

Age: 4 Role: Bug collector. Fastest on the block. Bite radius unknown. Ran like the wind.

  • 6:30 AM: Wakes up by instinct when the sun touches his face. Already has one shoe on.
  • 7:00 AM: Eats fried rice for breakfast. Says “thank you” in two languages.
  • 8:30 AM: Outside with a net and three sticks. Names bugs. Talks to them.
  • 12:00 PM: Lunch + fights off a wasp with a heroic scream. He wins.
  • 2:00 PM: Challenges neighborhood kids to race. Loses once. Cries. Wins rematch. Yells “TOLD YOU!”
  • 4:00 PM: Builds obstacle course out of furniture. Calls it “The Ninja Maze.”
  • 7:00 PM: Bats on TV. He points: “That’ll be me.”
  • 9:00 PM: Sleeps with his bug jar next to him. Dreams in lightning speed.

3. Toddler Sven (Spijkenisse, Netherlands)

Age: 4 Role: Sweetest golden retriever boy. Loved trucks and hugs. Still does.

  • 7:15 AM: Wakes up smiling. Says “hi” to everything. “Hi bed! Hi socks! Hi toilet!”
  • 8:00 AM: Wears rainboots even when it’s dry. Just in case.
  • 9:00 AM: Goes to daycare. Has a friend group of everybody.
  • 11:00 AM: Trips and falls. Cries. Is offered one (1) cookie. Forgives the earth instantly.
  • 1:00 PM: Knows every car model. Can name five tractors in one breath.
  • 3:00 PM: Big hugger. Gives “the Sven Squeeze” — death grip, no escape.
  • 6:00 PM: Sings made-up songs while helping Mom water plants.
  • 8:30 PM: Hugs pillow. Falls asleep mid-sentence. Smiles in his sleep. What did we do to deserve Sven.

4. Toddler Yuki (Aichi, Japan)

Age: 4 Role: Zen garden fairy. Silent but observing. Bitten only once (by Jesper).

  • 6:00 AM: Wakes up without alarm. Already folded his blanket.
  • 7:00 AM: Eats miso soup with serious expression. Quietly watches the birds outside.
  • 9:00 AM: Builds rock formations in the backyard and names each one.
  • 11:00 AM: Gets into a staring contest with a cat. Wins.
  • 1:00 PM: Spends two hours arranging flower petals by shade.
  • 4:00 PM: Meditates next to a frog. Teaches it peace.
  • 6:00 PM: Hears parents argue gently over dinner plans. Sighs and says, “Balance, please.”
  • 9:00 PM: Falls asleep mid-origami. Dreams of harmony.

5. Toddler Milos (Vrbas, Serbia-Hungary)

Age: 4 Role: Chaos Goblin. Absolute menace. Extremely kissable cheeks.

  • 6:30 AM: Wakes up screaming. Screaming joy.
  • 7:00 AM: Covers himself in stickers. When told to stop: puts one on your forehead.
  • 9:00 AM: Climbs on furniture. Does somersaults off couches. Grandma cries.
  • 11:00 AM: Tells neighbor's dog “we are brothers now.”
  • 2:00 PM: Demands to wear Batman cape to supermarket. Steals fruit.
  • 4:00 PM: Bites a juice box too hard. Explodes. He laughs.
  • 6:00 PM: Has sudden moments of tenderness. Kisses his mom’s hand like royalty.
  • 8:00 PM: Falls asleep tangled in his Batman cape, upside down, half-smiling.

6. Toddler Jens (Hillerød, Denmark)

Age: 4 Role: Blonde mini-viking. Gentle giant. Spoke 3 words per day. Stronger than most adults.

  • 6:00 AM: Carries firewood. For fun.
  • 6:45 AM: Dad: “You want cereal?” Jens (nodding): “Yah.”
  • 8:00 AM: Helps fix the chicken coop. One chicken becomes his best friend.
  • 10:00 AM: Local kids play tag. He doesn’t chase. He walks, and they scream.
  • 1:00 PM: Mom says, “Give me a hug.” He lifts her like a dumbbell.
  • 3:00 PM: Sees a bug. Saves it. Names it “Bjørn.”
  • 5:00 PM: Stares at clouds for too long. Says, “That one looks like Mama.”
  • 8:00 PM: Reads dinosaur book until eyes close. Sleeps curled up like a Labrador.

7. Toddler Jesper (Falkenberg, Sweden)

Age: 4 Role: The princess. Sparkle demon. Pacifier still strong. Reigned with soft tyranny.

  • 7:00 AM: Wakes up and asks Simon, “Do I look good?” before blinking.
  • 8:00 AM: Refuses to go outside unless he picks the outfit. Prefers pastels.
  • 10:00 AM: Holds court at the playground. Doesn’t swing, just sits and judges.
  • 12:00 PM: Bites someone. Pouts. Sucks pacifier and says “He deserved it.”
  • 2:00 PM: Melts down because a sticker is crooked. Simon fixes it. Jesper blesses him.
  • 4:00 PM: Sits in a pile of stuffed animals. Reads picture books. Makes the fox plush kiss his cheek.
  • 6:00 PM: Draws a picture of himself. Titles it “me being the best.”
  • 8:00 PM: Says to Dad, “Do stars miss us too?” Dad: cries softly Jesper: snoozing with pacifier and sparkly aura

YESSSS. THE CURSE OF BUBBLE-WONDERLAND: TODDLERGEDDON 2023. Let me take you DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE, Alkmaar 22/23 edition:

It began on a cursed Tuesday...

Yuki had just said, "U all stupid, me go back Aichi," and stormed into the forest behind the training facility (no one knew Alkmaar had a forest??). He returned 30 minutes later, holding a weird mushroom and said: "Me found. Bad energy."

They ignored him. Like FOOLS.

ONE BY ONE THEY REGRESSED:

1. Milos (first to fall)

He ate the mushroom. Said: "Tastes like Serbia." Three minutes later: Toddler Milos, shirtless, angry, asking for chocolate milk and yelling "WHY ME SMALL??" Bit Sam.

2. Sam

Trying to parent Milos. Hugged him. Said "Don't worry, bro." POOF. Toddler Sam. Now yelling "I'M THE BOSS HERE!!" and driving his toy SUV into the walls.

3. Sven

Carried toddler Sam under one arm like a football. Laughed: "I’m immune." Not immune. Toddler Sven. Still 1.9m tall somehow. Broke a crib. Cried when his teddy fell.

4. Tijjani

Tried to record the chaos for TikTok. Toddlerified mid-video. Video caption: “YO WTF I GOT BABYFIED” Voice: “Maaaaaannn” Still somehow more mature than Milos.

5. Yuki

Did not eat mushroom. Did not touch toddlers. Did not breathe near the curse. Still—POOF. Toddler Yuki. Sat in silence in the corner with a wooden sword and a rice ball. Unbothered. Waiting. Watching.

LAST TWO STANDING: Jens & Jesper

Jesper: "What the actual IKEA hell is going on." Jens: "We have to undo it." Jesper: "Meh. Toddlers are kinda cute." Jens: "YOU THINK I CAN SURVIVE THIS?? SAM JUST POOPED IN MY BOOTS."

Then suddenly... Jesper began shrinking. Jens: "NO—NO NO NO NO STAY WITH ME—JESPER—JESPER—"

Jesper: "Tell my hoodie... I loved it..." POOF.

Tiny raccoon toddler with the same attitude. Stole Sven’s blankie. Refused to nap.

JENS. THE LAST ONE. THE CHOSEN ONE.

He had 7 toddlers in a locker room, all throwing LEGOs and fighting over gummy bears. Milos was climbing the goalpost. Sam peed in a cone. Jesper bit Jens’ ankle and called him "mid."

Jens, with 1 braincell left, prayed to the Mushroom God, collapsed dramatically and screamed, "I WILL GIVE YOU MY HAIR GEL, MY CLEATS, MY SANITY—JUST GIVE ME BACK MY BOYFRIEND AND THESE LOSERS IN FULL SIZE."

The Mushroom God said: "Kiss the raccoon."

Jens: "...what." Mushroom God: "Kiss. The raccoon."

He picked up toddler Jesper, covered in stickers and applesauce. Jesper whispered: "me sexy."

Jens kissed his forehead.

BOOM. SPARKLES. MAGIC. CUE VIOLIN.

Everyone reappeared. Full-sized. Confused. Sam was still holding a sippy cup.

AFTERMATH:

  • Yuki: "Me knew. Curse weak. U all weak."
  • Milos: Refused to believe he was 3. Said he blacked out.
  • Sven: Asked if they could do it again but with better cribs.
  • Jesper: "Did you kiss me when I was small?"
  • Jens: "You don't wanna know."
  • Sam: Made shirts that said: “I survived Toddlergeddon 2023 and all I got was emotional damage.”