alkmaarsurvivor22

bubbly boys in various settings (ii)

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YES FINALLY. Welcome to Alkmaar 22/23 Matchday Rituals: Vol. 1 (Bubblier, Stupider, and Spiritually Concerning) Because stretching? Hydration? No. These were gremlins powered by chaos, superstition, and love.

1. Jesper: “I Must Bite Jens Before Kickoff”

  • Not metaphorical. Literal.
  • A quick shoulder bite. Sometimes the wrist.
  • Jens stopped questioning it after October and just braced himself.
  • “For luck,” Jesper said. “For rabies,” Jens muttered.

2. Jens: “I Tape Jesper’s Wrists or I Will Die”

  • A holy ritual.
  • Everyone knew not to interrupt. Not even the coach.
  • Jens: full concentration, tight tape, gentle hands.
  • Jesper: smirking the whole time, whispering, “You like me too much.”

3. Sam: “I Must Retape My Shin Pads 7 Times”

  • Didn’t matter if they were perfect.
  • Tape. Remove. Tape. Remove. Tape.
  • Claimed it was for balance. Reality? Probably a demon pact.

4. Milos: “Group Hug or Group Curse”

  • Ran around screaming “GROUP HUG NOW OR BAD THINGS HAPPEN”
  • Tackled Sven once. Got tackled back. Everyone ended up on the ground.
  • Coach: “Is this… bonding?”
  • Sven: “This is a threat.”

5. Tijjani: “Don’t Talk To Me. No One Talk To Me.”

  • Silent mode. Hoodie up. Vibes: death monk.
  • But if Jesper said “Tiji I like your boots,” he’d smile for 0.3 seconds then disappear again.
  • Sam tried to get him to dance once. It did not go well.

6. Yuki: “I Eat One Banana. In Total Silence.”

  • Everyone just… watched.
  • He peeled it with reverence. Bit it once. Looked into the distance.
  • Jesper: “is he okay??”
  • Yuki: “banana give peace.”

7. Sven: “I Must Sing A 2000s Club Banger Into My Water Bottle”

  • One-man pre-match rave.
  • Usually SexyBack or Temperature.
  • Once dragged Milos into a duet and almost missed warmup.

Team Rituals That Should’ve Been Outlawed:

• “Shoes In Circle, Heads in the Middle”

  • Looked like a cult.
  • They hummed. No one knows why.
  • Sam accidentally summoned something once. Probably.

• “Jesper Chants Jens’s Name Like A Soccer Mom”

  • “Let’s gooo Jensieeee!!”
  • Jens: glaring Jesper: doing it louder

• “Yuki Blesses The Ball With His Palm”

  • He said nothing. Just placed his hand on the ball.
  • Milos: “Does he talk to it??”
  • Jesper: “I think it talks back.”

OKAY YOU ASKED FOR IT Top 10 Alkmaar 22/23 Bubbly Boy Post-Match Rituals (“We win together. We emotionally combust separately.”)

1. Jesper: “Cuddles Or I Die”

  • Searched for Jens like a heat-seeking missile.
  • If they won: tackle-hug.
  • If they lost: wordless collapse into Jens’ hoodie like a Victorian widow.
  • Jens always caught him. Always.

2. Jens: “Silent Shower Of Reflection”

  • Fully clothed in the shower sometimes. No explanation.
  • Had his own stall. Everyone respected the grief corner.
  • Occasionally emerged to find Jesper asleep on the bench wrapped in his towel.

3. Sam: “Hot Girl Walk Around The Field”

  • Still in kit. Shirt untucked. Headphones in. Vibes only.
  • Sometimes walked backwards to feel “reverse energy.”
  • Once made a TikTok mid-walk. Got 300k views. Caption: “Just won xoxo”

4. Milos: “Shirt-Off Screaming Session”

  • Every time.
  • Shirt. Gone.
  • Chest: puffed.
  • Screamed into the locker room ceiling like a feral bard.
  • Once got kicked out by a janitor for echoing too hard.

5. Yuki: “Ice Bath. Face of Death.”

  • Didn’t flinch. Didn’t speak.
  • Jesper once put a duck floaty in the tub. He didn't react.
  • Sven: “is he meditating or plotting something?”
  • No one knew. Still don’t.

6. Sven: “Sings One Sad Love Ballad At Full Volume”

  • Win or lose, it was Adele or Robyn.
  • Jesper once joined in on “Dancing On My Own” and it became a moment.
  • Sam filmed it. Jesper screamed “DELETE IT” while harmonizing.

7. Tijjani: “Eat A Protein Bar, Stare At Wall”

  • Bit into it like vengeance.
  • Didn’t speak for 20 minutes.
  • Milos: “bro u good?”
  • Tijjani: “cranberry almond.”

8. Group Ritual: “Replay Key Moments On Someone’s Phone”

  • Usually Sven’s. He had the best angles.
  • Everyone huddled like detectives solving a murder.
  • “Look how I passed—look—LOOK.”
  • “Bro I carried you, be serious.”

9. Jesper (again): “Steal Jens’ Hoodie, Vanish”

  • Every time.
  • Sometimes Jens didn’t notice for hours.
  • Once ended up with two hoodies. Gave one to Yuki and said, “Shhh.”

10. Bubble Groupchat: “Unhinged Photo Drop + Caption War”

  • Sven: mirror selfie with “sweat is temporary, hot is forever”
  • Milos: shirtless “MVP = Most Valuable Pecs”
  • Jesper: blurry pic of Jens captioned “my man MY man mine mymineMINE”
  • Jens: “jesper get off my phone”
  • Yuki: “me shower. me clean. me happy.”

YESSSS BUCKLE UP. THIS IS THE ALKMAAR 22/23 OFF-DAY RITUALS MEGA THREAD. (aka “What the bubbly boys did when they weren’t kicking balls or fighting over bills.”) Spoiler: nothing was normal.

1. Jesper + Jens: Domestic Chaos, But Gay

  • Jesper: “Let’s clean the apartment!”
  • Jens: actually cleaned.
  • Jesper: played music, got distracted, danced with the broom, ended up baking cookies and forgot the cleaning.
  • Jens: re-cleaned everything while Jesper fed him burnt cookies like they were gold.
  • Bonus ritual: Jens made Jesper grocery lists titled “for gremlin.”

2. Sam + Sven: “Rest Day? No. We Slay.”

  • Spa day, every off-day. No exceptions.
  • Facials, cucumbers, foot soaks, emotional venting sessions.
  • Sven: silk robe. Sam: silk robe but shorter.
  • Called it “recovery” but it was mostly gossip and taking selfies labeled “team bonding”

3. Milos: Gym Rat With No Limits

  • Milos: “rest is a scam.”
  • Went to gym twice. Took shirtless mirror selfies.
  • Texted “grind don’t stop” into the groupchat at 6:47am.
  • Sam responded with “good for u. i’m in bed with a croissant.”

4. Tijjani: True Ghost Mode

  • Disappeared.
  • No texts. No posts. No sightings.
  • Reemerged 48 hours later, fully recharged, with zero explanation.
  • Rumors: he biked to Belgium. Or fasted in a forest. Or just played FIFA all day in silence.
  • Jesper: “He’s my spiritual guide.”

5. Yuki: Solo Peace Days Only

  • Morning walk. Matcha latte. Birdwatching maybe?
  • Said “no talk” to everyone before 10am.
  • Jesper called him 7 times anyway just to say hi.
  • Yuki: “me mute phone. me no regret.”

6. Group Ritual: “Café Gremlin Hours”

  • Pick a random café. Claim a whole corner.
  • Everyone orders too much. Someone gets cake. Probably Jesper.
  • Yuki quietly reads. Sven makes memes out of real convos.
  • Milos says “who’s paying” and then everyone pretends they forgot their wallet.

7. Jens’ Sacred Off-Day Routine

  • Gym. Protein. Tactical analysis for fun.
  • Sometimes joined by Sven, who lasted 3 minutes before laying on the floor.
  • Jens once made a PowerPoint to explain pressing structure.
  • Jesper used it as a background for selfies.

8. Jesper’s Special Ritual: “Surprise Gift Drop”

  • Walks into locker room the next day like: “I got u all matching socks.”
  • Everyone: confused but grateful.
  • Jens: confused but blushing.
  • Sam: “does mine have glitter?”
  • Jesper: “yes. only yours.”

9. Alkmaar Mall Trips: A Whole Event

  • Jesper and Sam: main characters.
  • Sven: tried to keep them on schedule. Failed.
  • Milos: wandered into sneaker stores and reappeared 2 hours later.
  • Jens: carried everyone's shopping bags.
  • Yuki: bought one thing. Silently. Perfectly.

10. Sunday Tradition: “Group Movie Night”

  • Rotating host. Jens’ place was the cleanest, Jesper’s had the best snacks.
  • Everyone brought blankets. Someone always fell asleep halfway (usually Sven).
  • Jesper picked rom-coms. Jens pretended to hate it, laughed at every joke.
  • Milos: “can we watch 300 next time”
  • Sam: “only if it’s the musical version.”

OH. YOU’VE UNLOCKED A CORE MEMORY. Post-practice Alkmaar 22/23: Loitering, Denial, and Yuki's Apartment Takeover (AKA: “We’re sweaty, tired, starving, and absolutely not going home yet.”)

Scene: Training Ends. The Sun is Setting. Muscles are dying. And yet—no one moves.

  • Jesper flopped on the grass and said “If I move, I perish.”
  • Jens was still stretching but visibly eyeing Jesper like “you good?” (he wasn’t)
  • Sven: “Let’s go eat.”
  • Sam: “Let’s crash a café.”
  • Milos: “My legs say no, my stomach says emergency.”
  • Tijjani: already Googling food like a silent savior
  • Yuki: …packing his bag to go home like a functional person.

The Vote

It started diplomatic. It became a mutiny.

  • Sam: “All in favor of café?”
  • Jesper: “Can’t sit in a chair. My bones are soup.”
  • Sven: “So home?”
  • Jesper: “No. Too far. I’ll die.”
  • Sam: “What about Yuki’s place?”
  • Yuki: “me no say yes”
  • Everyone: collective silence. then nodding.
  • Yuki: “me victim.”

Arrival At Yuki’s Apartment: A Warzone

  • 7 boys. 1 calm Japanese man. Chaos incarnate.
  • Shoes in a messy pile. Someone tripped. Probably Jesper.
  • Yuki had 2 towels. Suddenly there were 6 sweaty boys fighting over them.
  • Milos took a shower first and used all the hot water.
  • Jens brought protein bars and was guarding them like a cryptid dragon.
  • Sven played music. Sam changed it. Sven changed it back. Sam changed it louder.

Meanwhile, Jesper

  • In Yuki’s bed, wrapped in Yuki’s blanket, scrolling through Yuki’s phone (???).
  • Yuki: “me kick out.”
  • Jesper: “me too comfy.”

Food Crisis: Emergency Edition

  • They opened Yuki’s fridge. Mistake.
  • Contents: 1 egg. Seaweed. Peaceful silence.
  • Sam: “Is he a monk??”
  • Milos: “I can make something.” (he could not.)
  • They ordered food. Yuki ordered sushi “just for me.” Jesper took a bite.
  • Yuki: “me leave own house.”

The Aftermath: Movie On, Bodies Scattered

  • Sven on the floor. Sam upside down on the couch.
  • Tijjani disappeared. They found him 20 mins later on the balcony, just… chilling.
  • Milos shirtless for no reason.
  • Jens finally sat down. Jesper climbed into his lap like it was a beanbag.
  • Yuki: on his own bed, surrounded by loud boys, texting Sven: “me need new apartment.”

Final Quote Before Sleep Took Them

Jesper, whispering to no one: “I love this team so much I might cry.” Sam: already crying but blaming onions that don’t exist.

YES. THE LEGENDARY BUBBLY BOYS’ DISNEYLAND TRIP. (aka: "Sam's Mommy and Daddy Paid For the Magic, But Everyone Else Paid For Therapy") This… this was a MOVIE.

Part 1: The Train Ride From Hell

Departure: 08:00 AM. Reality: 08:00 CHAOS.

  • Sam: “We have a GOLDEN PASS. We cannot be late. We have to go.”
  • Sven: brushing his teeth at 7:59.
  • Milos: forgot his bag. went back. forgot again.
  • Jesper + Jens: bickering in matching outfits. still not ready.
  • Tijjani: already at the station. with coffee. judging everyone.
  • Yuki: calm. silent. carried everyone’s tickets. no emotion. full rage inside.

They made it. Barely. Jesper screamed “WE’RE GONNA MISS MICKEY!” They all sprinted. Sam lost a shoe. Sven caught it mid-air. Someone (Milos) bit someone (Sam) in the panic.

Part 2: Arrival at Disneyland. It Was Spiritual.

They passed the gates. Everything stopped. Mickey waved. The music played. Jesper cried.

  • Jesper: “I’m going to die here, I’m going to live here.”
  • Jens: took 500 photos of Jesper being happy and said nothing.
  • Sam: “Let’s do the princess makeover.”
  • Sven: “Let’s do Space Mountain.”
  • Milos: “Let’s do violence.”
  • Tijjani: “Let’s do lunch.”
  • Yuki: “me follow. me regret.”

Part 3: Group Selfies & Strategic Meltdowns

  • Jesper wore mouse ears. Jens bought him the sparkly kind.
  • Sam wore mouse ears and sunglasses and screamed when he saw Donald Duck.
  • Sven kept trying to pose for photos but someone was always eating.
  • Yuki: “me not smile. me in pain.”

Midday meltdown checklist:

  • Jesper: heatstroke from excitement
  • Milos: lost his map, declared war on the map stand
  • Sam: sobbed in front of the castle. It was beautiful.
  • Jens: carried Jesper, two bags, and a turkey leg. Legend.
  • Sven: temporarily vanished. Reappeared with popcorn and four balloons.
  • Yuki: secretly having a good time. Would never admit it.

Part 4: The Rides. OH the Rides.

  • Space Mountain: Jesper screamed, then said “again.”
  • Haunted Mansion: Sam did a whole séance.
  • Teacups: a bloodsport. Jens and Milos spun theirs so fast Sam almost passed out.

  • It’s a Small World:

  • Jesper: “they’re singing to me.”

  • Yuki: “me cry inside.”

Part 5: The Parade. Group Unity Moment.

They found a spot. Sat down. Ate overpriced churros. Mickey came by. Everyone waved like toddlers. Jesper held Jens’ hand the entire time without realizing. Sam cried again. Tijjani pretended to yawn but took a thousand photos.

Part 6: The Train Back. Broken But Joyful.

They sat in a row, dead silent, heads lolling. Jesper fell asleep on Jens’ shoulder. Milos played Disney soundtracks on loop. Yuki finally said: “me tired. but worth.”

Sam posted the selfie dump to Instagram:

“bubbly boys take Disneyland. sponsored by generational wealth. magical chaos. 10/10. jens carried us all. yuki is our god.”

OH YOU WANT CONTAGION? Welcome to: Unhinged Alkmaar 22/23: The Flu Outbreak That Brought a Nation Down (aka: “one of you is sick and all of you are doomed”)

PATIENT ZERO: JESPER "TEEHEE I'M FINE" HIMSELF

  • Had a cough during Monday training. Said it was “just allergies.”
  • Sniffling by Tuesday. Still said “it’s fine I just got cold air in my lungs teehee.”
  • By Wednesday, six men were on the floor like Victorian orphans.

Jesper still showed up like:

“i’m feeling better i think :) just a little fever. and chills. and hallucinations. but love u guys”

SPREAD LEVEL: PLAGUE MODE.

VICTIM #1: Jens (of course.)

  • Shared water bottle.
  • Shared bed.
  • Shared soul.
  • Went down like a man taking a bullet for love.
  • Jesper tried to spoon him while he was dying. Jens said “this is how I want to go.”

VICTIM #2: Sam

  • Licked Jesper’s lollipop “as a joke.”
  • Had the audacity to scream “WHY ME?!”
  • Walked around in a silk robe, demanding soup like royalty.
  • “I’m dying. Is this how it ends? Take my black card. Use it well.”

VICTIM #3: Milos

  • Claimed to be immune.
  • Went down HARD.
  • Dramatically texted the groupchat: “Tell Yuki… I love him.”
  • (He was back on his feet in two hours but demanded pity for two weeks.)

VICTIM #4: Sven

  • Actually had it the worst.
  • Quietly suffered. Took zero meds.
  • Still tried to go to training.
  • Sam had to drag him home and put a cold towel on his forehead.
  • “You are not stronger than the virus, Sven.”
  • “I am the virus.”

VICTIM #5: Tijjani

  • Also said “I’m built different.”
  • Was NOT.
  • Bit Jesper after he coughed. Said it was revenge.
  • Got sick anyway. Refused to admit defeat.
  • “I don’t need tissues. I AM tissues.”

YUKI?

  • Untouchable.
  • Floated above the germs.
  • Made soup for everyone.
  • Did laundry.
  • Wrote little “get well” haikus and taped them to their foreheads.

“you cough. you weak now. but still i believe in you. sleep long. no more death.”

Everyone thought he was a god.

THE GROUPCHAT DURING FLU WEEK:

  • Jesper: “i can taste colors”
  • Jens: “my fever dreams include you.”
  • Sam: [photo of him under 6 blankets] “my skin hurts. i need a new body.”
  • Yuki: “me no sick. me god.”
  • Milos: “i am making my will. who wants my shoes.”
  • Tijjani: “jesper i bite you next time you’re sick.”
  • Sven: [sent a single thumbs up at 3am. no context.]

MEGA THREAD: Alkmaar 22/23 Bubbly Boys vs. Peak Dutch Rainy Season ☔🌧️ December. Darkness. Doom. Drenched Danish Vikings. Swedish raccoons in wet socks. Milos sneezing in 4 languages. Yuki considering exile.

1. ☔ Yuki’s First Breakdown of the Year Normally calm. Peaceful. Meditates in the morning. But one day, after 6 straight days of rain and 4 wet sock incidents, he opened the door, saw the grey sky, and muttered:

“Me go. Japan wait. Alkmaar stupid.” He walked to the living room in silence, sat in lotus pose, and stared into nothing for 40 minutes. Jesper gave him a blanket.

2. ☔ Jesper the Raccoon: Always Cold, Always Wet Jesper refused to wear proper winter clothes. Still wearing his cropped puffer jacket and ankle socks like it was a fashion show. One morning:

“I can’t feel my toes 😐” Sven: “That’s because they’re frozen.” Jesper: “Style is pain.” Jens: already holding his warm gloves like a desperate dad.

3. ☔ Jens the Fallen Viking Soldier Jens got sick but insisted on running in the rain to "feel alive." Came back drenched, shirt clinging, dramatic bruises from nothing. Sneezed so hard Jesper thought it was an earthquake. Still said:

“It’s fine. Builds character.” Yuki: “You build coffin at this rate.”

4. ☔ Sam Had a Meltdown Over Wet Hair Sam’s curls got frizzy. Cried for 3 hours after a gust of wind hit him mid-walk and destroyed his umbrella.

“I LOOK LIKE A DISNEY VILLAIN.” Jesper tried to comfort him. Jesper also looked like a wet cat. They both gave up and sat under a blanket watching Frozen 2 with hot cocoa.

5. ☔ Milos Ate Too Much Soup and Cried Milos ate five bowls of hot mushroom soup and then complained that he was "emotionally bloated." Also got a runny nose from spicy soup, cried, and blamed the weather. Sven told him to go outside and "sweat it out." Milos went, tripped over a soggy leaf, cried harder.

6. ☔ Tijjani Slipped And Took Down Three People One morning, training. Rain pouring sideways. Tijjani slipped on wet grass, took out Milos and Sven in one hit like a bowling ball. All three laid on the grass like war casualties. Jesper stood above them and said:

“This is why I don’t run fast.”

7. ☔ Sven: The Tall One Who Got Sad Sven usually unbothered. But the constant darkness broke him.

“It’s 3pm. Why is it night.” Stood by the window for hours like a Victorian wife waiting for her sailor to return. Started writing poetry. Wrote a haiku: “Grey clouds eat my soul / Wet socks, cold tea, heart heavy / The Dutch sky weeps on.”

8. ☔ Bubbly Boys as a Collective Being Soaked They arrived to training. Every. Single. One. Soaked. No umbrellas. No logic. Just soggy shoes and chattering teeth. Coach: “Where are your coats?” Jesper: “In spirit.” Milos: “Coat died.” Jens: “Rain cannot penetrate Viking skin.” Yuki: “I give up. We die together.”

9. ☔ The Great Power Cut of 23 December It rained so hard the power flickered during a movie night. Jesper screamed. Sam screamed louder. Jens threw a blanket over Jesper and declared “I’ll protect you!” like it was a war. Milos lit three birthday candles and held them like a priest. Yuki said nothing and calmly ate an orange in the dark.

10. ☔ The Bubble Broke But Also Held Together Rainy season was hell. But they shared socks. Warmed hands on shared cocoa mugs. Jesper made Swedish cinnamon buns. Jens made beef stew. Yuki made tea for everyone and forgave Alkmaar (for now). They still complained. Every day. But they were together. And that was their sun.

EXACTLY. TRUE EQUALITY IN THE ALKMAAR 22/23 BUBBLE. No one was safe. Everyone got cooked. All crimes were addressed. Let’s do a BUBBLY BOYS GROUPCHAT ROAST INDEX—aka “Who Got Roasted For What” mega-thread:

1. Sam – Montessori Trust Fund Baby Deluxe Edition

  • “Did you just call that a commoner bus???”
  • Wears Gucci socks to practice, loses them, cries.
  • Has never filled a dishwasher in his life.
  • Once asked if taxes were a social experiment.
  • "I didn't know oat milk expired???"

2. Tijjani – Certified Hater With Love in His Heart

  • “You’re so mean” — everyone, daily.
  • Insults you, then gives you his last piece of gum.
  • Once roasted Jens mid-match.
  • Has never complimented a teammate without trauma in his voice.
  • Calls everyone stupid but can’t spell “restaurant”.

3. Sven – Tall, Dumb, Golden Retriever Himbo

  • Duck-sized brain in a 6’4” body.
  • Can’t whisper. Even his thoughts echo.
  • Believes dinosaurs and dragons were cousins.
  • Once got locked in the laundry room because he thought the door said “pull” but it was a wall.

4. Milos – Gamer Boy With Questionable Life Choices

  • Full salary? Gone. PS5 skins and “limited” Naruto hoodies.
  • Priorities: anime > rent.
  • Had ramen 17 days in a row “for the aesthetic”.
  • Argued Pikachu could beat Messi in a race.
  • His room smells like Monster Energy and betrayal.

5. Yuki – Silent Menace. Prank King. No English, No Accountability

  • Smiled sweetly after unplugging Sam’s charger mid-Zoom.
  • Once left a fake spider in the shower and said “oops” for 6 minutes straight.
  • “Me no understand” = free pass for all chaos.
  • Deadpan assassin. Never caught.

6. Jesper – Prettiest Raccoon. Pettiest Energy.

  • Gorgeous. Grumpy. Will bite.
  • Everyone says “he’s so pretty” right before getting emotionally punched.
  • Complains for 45 minutes, says nothing’s wrong.
  • Once said “your haircut makes me sad” to Sam.
  • Eats like a forest squirrel. Stares like a mafia boss.

7. Jens – Big Viking, Softcore Chaos

  • Alcohol tolerance: 0. Confidence: 100.
  • Says “I’m fine” while fully horizontal.
  • Has cried at 3 dog videos and a Jesper Instagram post.
  • Acts tough. Snuggles unprompted.
  • Tries to be intimidating, then opens a Capri Sun.

This team? Unhinged. Beautiful. Dysfunctional in the most functional way. No hierarchy. Just crimes, chaos, and cuddle piles.

NOOOOO BECAUSE THIS IS THE REAL ROYAL BUBBLY BACKSTORY — THE BINKY CHRONICLES !!!

Alkmaar 22/23 boys, pre-football, pre-drama, just babies with Very Serious Diaper Lore:

SAM B. – “Designer Baby Deluxe”

  • Montessori-verified.
  • Pacifier engraved with his initials.
  • Diaper? Custom made from the same material as Kendall Jenner’s Met Gala dress.
  • Potty trained by a 5-star nanny imported from Paris.
  • Said his first word in French.
  • Refused to be seen with a plastic binky past 18 months. “Mother said oral fixation is not chic.”

MILOS K. – “Built Different (And Shirtless)”

  • No binky. No mercy.
  • Diaper? Gone before age 1.
  • Potty trained during a thunderstorm.
  • Probably bit someone about it.
  • Slept on the floor. “I have never sucked on anything. Not even my thumb. I drink water from the tap and feel nothing.”

YUKI S. – “Zen Baby from Day One”

  • Binky? Not needed.
  • Made his own origami pacifier out of leaves.
  • Cloth diaper washed in sacred Aichi river water under the moon.
  • Potty trained himself out of respect for his mother.
  • Already meditating at age 1. “Me no need… me good.”

TIJJANI R. – “Dramatic Toddler Era”

  • Binky? Out of fashion.
  • Cloth diapers only because he could dramatically rip them off during tantrums.
  • Learned to potty for narrative.
  • Once fake cried for 14 minutes straight. “I trained myself. No one helped me. Don’t believe what Sam says.”

SVEN M. – “Golden Retriever Baby”

  • Totally normal.
  • Wore diapers until 2. Binkied like a champ.
  • Was just vibing.
  • Said “please” and “thank you” before age 2.
  • Thought potty training was a fun team activity. “Mommy said I’m doing so good and I said thank you!”

JENS O. – “Loyal Viking Cub”

  • Normal binky user. Normal diaper user.
  • Blonde, chunky, with tiny thunder thighs.
  • Wanted to be potty trained but didn’t like change.
  • Always handed his binky back to his mom when he was done like a gentleman. “I said 'I done now’ and meant it.”

JESPER K. – “Prince of Falkenberg, Lord of Binkies”

  • The Chosen One.
  • Spoke in 7-word full sentences at age 3: “Excuse me, I’m emotionally overwhelmed today.”
  • Binkied til 4. Diaper til 4.5.
  • Simon: gave it up 2 months sooner. Jesper: never recovered.
  • Potty trained only because Jens said, “I’ll be proud of you.”
  • Wouldn’t eat solids until someone went choo choo here comes the train. “I said I love you at 36 months. With a pacifier in my mouth. That’s power.”

AND THAT’S WHY TODAY…

Jesper has separation anxiety when Jens leaves the room for 4 seconds. Sam refuses off-brand lotion. Milos owns exactly 0 forks. Yuki still does his own laundry by hand. Tijjani fakes injuries for attention. Sven brings everyone snacks. Jens still carries a tiny emergency binky in his emotional first aid kit… just in case his prince needs it.

BUBBLY BOYS ORIGIN TALES. NEVER FORGET.

ALKMAAR 22/23: BUBBLY BOYS IN VALHALLA (aka the most unhinged crossover since Loki met Taylor Swift in a hallway once)

🪦Context: One day, a suspicious vending machine appears in the Alkmaar training facility. Milos, clearly not reading the signs that say “DO NOT TOUCH. RUNES INSIDE. PROPERTY OF ODIN,” kicks it because it didn’t take his fake coin. The next thing they know—BOOM. Bifrost. Glowing lights. Everyone screaming. They’re in Valhalla.

👑 Arrival Order:

  1. Jesper: lands face-first, immediately tries to fight a Valkyrie with a plastic spoon. Claims he was invited personally by Odin.
  2. Jens: drops down gently like a majestic Skyrim mod. Sword already in hand. Shirt nowhere to be found. Says, “Where’s Jesper?” first.
  3. Sam: “Is this a rich people retreat?” Immediately starts scouting real estate.
  4. Tijjani: suspicious. “This better not be like that spa Sam tricked me into, where they made me drink grass juice.”
  5. Sven: unfazed. “Ah. Another one of those Tuesday things.”
  6. Yuki: calmly takes notes. “Me write song about this.”
  7. Milos: absolutely thriving. Tells the first warrior he sees, “I could kill u with this Hot Wheels car. Let me in the fight pit.”

🛡️ What Happens Next:

  • Jesper tries to challenge Odin to a drinking contest. Fails. Vomits in a horn. Jens holds his hair and claps proudly.
  • Jens is approached by ancient Viking warriors who bow to him and whisper, “The Chosen One has returned.” He shrugs. “Cool.” Jesper carves “VIKING BF” on his armor.
  • Sam trades a Valkyrie his Balenciaga hoodie for a flaming sword. The Valkyrie later models it at dinner.
  • Tijjani discovers he’s somehow royalty here. Gets assigned 7 horses and an emotional support raven. Hates all of it.
  • Sven becomes best friends with Thor’s goat. They do yoga together.
  • Yuki meditates in the center of a battlefield and becomes the first human to tame a dragon with pure vibes.
  • Milos challenges Heimdall to Mario Kart. Nobody knows how he installed a Nintendo Switch in Valhalla. He wins. He always wins.

🍻 The Bubbly Boys at the Feast:

They sit at the head table. The gods are screaming. Everyone is drunk on mead and serotonin. Jesper stands on the table and yells,

“JENS WAS CLINICALLY DEAD FOR 599 SECONDS AND STILL HOT! WHO CAN TOP THAT??”

Odin just quietly raises his goblet. Jens kisses Jesper on the forehead like they’re in a Shakespeare play. Yuki clinks his cup and says, “Long live raccoon.”

🌈 Ending:

The gods offer to keep them forever. The bubbly boys decline (except Milos, who tries to stay and rebrand as "Miloð the Untamed"). They return to Alkmaar with one flaming sword, a goat, and 7 matching runic tattoos.

Jesper:

“Next time we die, let’s do that again.” Jens: “Baby, let’s not die at all.”

Everyone sobs. Yuki writes a poem.

Title of the Adventure: ✨“BUBBLY BOYS IN VALHALLA: Lick Your Soulmate and Die Like a King”✨

10/10. Would raid again.