OH. YOU KNOW THEY DID.
Title: Zen & the Baka BBQ — Spring 2023, Alkmaar Edition Location: Yuki’s tiny, perfectly organized apartment with one (1) tiny grill, three (3) tatami mats, zero (0) emotional boundaries, and one (1) weary host.
It was supposed to be wholesome. It was not.
Yuki invited the gang over for a quiet night of Japanese-style BBQ and team bonding.
He even sent a cute group text with polite emojis and clear instructions:
“No shoes. No chaos. No Jens-Jesper on lap. Come hungry. Leave calm.”
Mistake. Huge.
Arrival: Chaos o’clock
- Sam brought a €200 bottle of soy sauce. It was truffle-infused. No one asked.
- Milos brought raw chicken but forgot to refrigerate it.
- Sven wore socks with flamingos and tripped over the genkan step.
- Tijjani came with one mission: “Eat all the meat and ask deep questions like ‘what is love?’”
- Jens and Jesper? Showed up holding one reusable grocery bag. Inside: matching aprons and zero food.
Highlights of the night:
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Zen tries to teach grill etiquette. Yuki: “Grill slow. Respect beef.” Sam: slaps entire steak on grill and walks away. Zen: twitches.
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Jesper sits in Jens’ lap cross-legged. Claims “his own butt is sore.” No one asks. Sven: quiet sobbing in corner Milos: “You guys are like... meat fusion. You can’t separate meat fusion.”
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Tijjani puts wasabi on a marshmallow just to see what would happen. He sees God. Briefly.
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Sven accidentally drinks Yuki’s cooking sake. Sven: “I feel spiritually awakened.” Yuki: “You drank 14% alcohol. You are spiritually hammered.”
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Sam video-calls his mom mid-dinner to show her the “cultural night.” Jesper shouts “Hi Mommy!” in the background with a lettuce wrap on his face.
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Jens stares lovingly at Jesper while grilling. Milos: “I’m gonna season myself and roll onto the grill if they keep making eye contact like that.”
Zen’s Final Notes (found scribbled on a used soy sauce bottle label):
“Me host. Me mistake. They no respect grill. They flip meat too fast. Flip feelings faster. Jens fed Jesper with chopsticks. Jesper fed Jens with lies (he said he liked the burnt squid). Sven hiccuped and cried because the pickled radish was too emotional. Me sweep after. Me weep after. But me love them. Even when Milos dropped gyoza on my bonsai. Even when Sam put kimchi in miso soup ‘for fusion.’ Me invite again? …maybe.”
Alkmaar 22/23: “Baka Sleepover Part II: Hungarian Edition” Location: Milos’s apartment Vibe: IKEA starter pack but make it haunted gamer lair Budget breakdown:
PS5: €500
TV with RGB lights: €1000
Couch: Technically a beanbag.
Chair: Also beanbag.
Bed: Not for guests. For FIFA naps only.
Cutlery: One fork. Bent.
The Invitation: Milos (in team group chat at 2:41 a.m.):
“come over tmw we do sleepover. i make hungarian food. BYO pillow i lost mine.”
Yuki: “Why did you lose it.” Milos: “long story. fifa rage.” Jesper: “we’re in.”
Arrival: Jens immediately checks for a couch. Finds none. Finds PS5 shrine instead.
Jesper makes himself at home on the beanbag. Accidentally tips over three Red Bull cans and a Nerf gun.
Sven brings a sleeping bag and a scented candle. He sets it up neatly in the corner, only to be flattened later by Sam doing a surprise belly flop.
Tijjani brings snacks. They're just entire cucumbers.
Yuki arrives, surveys the scene, and quietly takes off his shoes. His soul exits his body at the same time.
Highlights: Milos proudly serves Hungarian goulash… in mugs. No bowls. One spoon. They share. It’s... intimate.
FIFA tournament: TENSION HIGH. Jens and Jesper play on the same team. Jens takes it seriously. Jesper accidentally scores an own goal and then kisses Jens’ cheek to make up for it. Sven: “This is emotional sabotage.” Yuki: lights incense mid-game.
Sam insists on watching horror movie. 12 minutes in: Jesper crawls into Jens’ hoodie like a terrified shrimp. 15 minutes in: Sven holding Yuki’s hand. Yuki whispers haikus about fear. 18 minutes in: Milos asleep. Mouth open. Goulash on chin.
Tijjani opens a serious group debate: “Who would survive longest in zombie apocalypse?” Jesper: “Jens, because he’d throw me on his back and run.” Jens: “True.” Sam: “Sven dies first. He’d cry and trip over his own shoelaces.” Sven: already offended and under a blanket.
Bedtime:
Jesper and Jens take the one (1) beanbag together. It folds under their combined love and muscle mass.
Sven ends up in the bathtub with a scented candle and a neck pillow.
Sam sleeps under the PS5 stand. Said he “felt safe there.”
Milos sleeps like a rock on the floor, half on top of his winter coat.
Yuki? Never sleeps. Just meditates. Silently judging.
Zen Field Note (written on back of Milos’s electricity bill): “No mattress. No boundary. Jesper use Jens as pillow. Jens use Jesper as heart monitor. Goulash emotional. Movie traumatic. Floor unforgiving. Me see Sven hold candle like offering to gods. Milos snore like demon. Sam whisper in sleep: ‘don’t touch my PS5.’ Me survive night. Me not sure why.”
Alkmaar 22/23: Crib Rankings “Same paycheck, different worldviews.”
- Sven’s Apartment (Rank: Martha Stewart x IKEA hybrid) Clean. Scented. Labeled.
Matching kitchen towels. Succulents with names.
He folds his socks.
Heated floors.
You open his fridge and it’s just oat milk, hummus, pre-cut fruit, and emotional stability.
Bonus: His mom helped him furnish it. His dad tested the smoke detector. The place has a whole calendar zone for bills, meal plans, and birthdays.
Yuki Zen Field Note:
“Me enter. Me feel healed. Shoes remove self at door. Floor warm like womb.”
- Sam’s Apartment (Rank: Rich Montessori Bachelor Pad) Paid by: His contract + his very invested Scandinavian investors (aka mom & dad).
Designer couch. Air purifier. Espresso machine worth more than Milos’s rent.
Bathroom smells like eucalyptus and has a bidet.
All tech voice-activated. Sam says, “lights off,” and the lights apologize and dim.
Downside: He never stays home. Gone to Spain. Gone to Berlin. Gone to therapy. Gone to complain to the league about the bathroom tiles being “a bit too cool-toned.”
Yuki Zen Field Note:
“Home feel like hotel. Smell like privilege. Sam missing. Robot make smoothie.”
- Yuki’s Apartment (Rank: Tranquility Base Zen Temple) Compact. Minimal. Thoughtfully lit.
Incense corner. Tatami mat. Bonsai with a name.
Has one mug, one bowl, one fork—intentional minimalism, not sad bachelor.
Feels like a library and a garden had a baby.
Not for chaos. If you scream in this house, the air leaves.
Yuki Zen Field Note (about himself):
“Yes. Me peace. Me bowl of rice. Me no chaos welcome.”
- Jens’s Apartment (Rank: Functional Cave of Muscles) Gym gear in the living room. A pull-up bar on every door.
Fridge: eggs, chicken, pasta, protein shakes.
Laundry? Always done.
Decor: one framed photo of his sister, one of Jesper (secret), and three protein shakers.
Jesper basically LIVES here by midseason. There's a drawer labeled “Jesper’s Stuff” and it's 89% hair gel and snacks.
Yuki Zen Field Note:
“Stronghold. Jens warm body. Cold wall. Jesper echo in hall. Apartment slowly become two.”
- Jesper’s Apartment (Rank: Chaos Bunker with Soft Lighting) The furniture? Cozy but mismatched.
Plants? Dying but loved.
Bathroom? Smells like coconut conditioner and regret.
He has fairy lights, a weighted blanket, and at least 10 mugs with animal faces.
Jesper owns zero tools. Screws everything with vibes.
Eventually stopped using it. Just slept in Jens’s bed. Jesper’s place becomes a shrine to clothes and lost keys.
Yuki Zen Field Note:
“Me enter. Couch cry. Blanket hold memory. Jesper presence—ghost with charger.”
- Tijjani’s Apartment (Rank: Confused Cozy Bachelor Den) Clean, but... confusing layout.
Has a chair that no one’s allowed to sit on (“decorative”).
Plays loud music at all hours but still somehow gets good sleep.
The WiFi is always slightly broken, and he keeps saying “I’ll fix it this weekend.” (He won’t.)
Has three different juicers, none used.
Yuki Zen Field Note:
“Kitchen have DJ light. Fridge have four energy drinks and yogurt. Bathroom have beach ball. Me ask no question.”
- Milos’s Apartment (Rank: PS5 Palace, Absolutely Unholy) Priorities: PS5 shrine, RGB lights, gamer chair.
Sofa: nonexistent.
Bed: possibly air mattress. Sheets? Unclear.
Dishes? Paper plates. Fork? Bent. Spoon? Shared.
He once made pasta with a lighter because he couldn’t find the stove knob.
BUT everyone shows up here for chaos sleepovers. It's cursed but iconic.
Yuki Zen Field Note:
“Me sit on floor. Chair missing. Table limp. TV strong. Apartment smell like Doritos and broken dreams. But laughter loud. Heart full. Still no fork.”
JENS’S APARTMENT. The Big Bicep Sanctuary. Jesper's Second Womb. The Unofficial Baka Headquarters.
Why? 1. Jesper lived there anyway. Like. Lived lived. Not “oh I’ll stay over.” He had a toothbrush, his moisturizer, two sweaters, and half a skincare drawer. Jens just picked him up after training and drove home. No words exchanged. It was muscle memory.
- It was always stocked. Protein bars for Jens. Peach iced tea for Jesper. Chips and Red Bull for Milos. Matcha powder (??) for Sam. Lactose-free yogurt for Sven. Frozen gyoza for Yuki. No one even asked. Jens just knew. He’s terrifying like that.
**3. Clean, but not sterile. Unlike Sven’s ✨immaculate IKEA showroom✨, Jens’s place let you put your feet on the couch and scream at FIFA without getting side-eyed by a succulent. It smelled like laundry detergent, a soft man, and faint Jesper body wash.
**4. It had the best vibe for team sleepovers. Big enough. Warm. Low lights. Jesper's playlist in the background. Couch you could sink into. And Jens? He just wandered around giving people water and back rubs like some kind of comfort panther.
Top Things That Happened at Jens’s Apartment: Milos once passed out with a controller in his hand and woke up wrapped in three blankets Jesper tucked around him.
Yuki made miso soup one night and told everyone to “shut up and eat” like a cryptic mom.
Sam set off the fire alarm trying to “make caramel” in a microwave. He still insists it wasn’t his fault.
Sven brought coloring books. No one questioned it.
Tijjani disappeared into the bathroom with someone on FaceTime and returned 45 minutes later claiming he was “doing skincare.”
Jesper slept like a baby burrito on Jens’s chest. Everyone pretended not to look but Yuki sketched it.
Yuki Zen Field Note: “Me no need ask. Me arrive. Jens nod. Jesper already soft on couch. Warm light. Safety. Baka gathering place. Home base. Fortress of stupid love.”
LIVING ROOM LAYOUT: One (1) giant grey couch
Two (2) beanbags
One (1) tragically overused carpet
Jesper's “emergency” blanket stash
Jens’s protein powder shrine in the corner
Ambient lighting: 1 warm lamp, 3 candles, 0 shame
SLEEPING POSITIONS: 1. Jesper: Location: Directly on top of Jens Configuration: Curled up like a sleepy sea otter. Under his own fuzzy blanket but clinging to Jens like a koala on melatonin. Notes: Has never moved once asleep. Makes soft Swedish sleep noises. Will bite if Sam pulls the blanket.
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Jens: Location: Corner of the couch, sitting slightly upright Configuration: Human mattress. Arms locked around Jesper like a life raft. Eyes closed but 24/7 on threat detection. Notes: Will not speak. Will grunt if someone drops chips on the floor. Can fistfight in his sleep.
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Milos: Location: On the floor, next to the couch Configuration: Sprawled across two beanbags and a rogue puffer jacket. One leg halfway under the coffee table. Notes: Snores like a woodchipper. Once woke up clutching a PS5 controller like it was his child.
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Sven: Location: Neatly tucked on the carpet with a sleeping bag Configuration: Starfish. Hands neatly folded. Looks like a child playing dead for fun. Notes: Brushed his teeth before bed. Has his alarm set for 7:00 AM. Tried to make everyone journal once.
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Tijjani: Location: Curled up on the other side of the couch, feet in Milos’s beanbag Configuration: Hoodie on, hood up. Face down. No one knows if he’s sleeping or just charging. Notes: Talks in his sleep. One time mumbled “not the lasagna” and kicked Sven in the stomach.
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Sam: Location: On a fancy travel mattress he brought himself Configuration: Laid out diagonally across the room like royalty. Surrounded by three bags: skincare, tech, and a backup power bank. Notes: Will roast you awake at 2AM if you snore. Texted his mom a full sleepover report once. Complained about the pillows being too “flat for his neck curvature.”
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Yuki (Zen Mode): Location: Sitting cross-legged on the armrest, sipping tea Configuration: Eyes closed. Not sleeping. Transcending. Blanket over shoulders like a shaman. Notes: Will say something cryptic like “Too much snore. Me no trust floor tonight” before nodding off at dawn in absolute silence.
Bonus Morning Routine: Jesper: Clings to Jens like a baby sloth. Doesn’t speak for 20 minutes.
Jens: Carries Jesper to the bathroom. Fully normal about it.
Sam: Already in the kitchen, complaining.
Milos: “Where are my socks?? WHO STOLE MY SOCKS??”
Tijjani: Hair vertical. Regrets everything.
Sven: Cleaning the entire apartment. No one asked.
Yuki: Already gone. Left behind only a half-finished haiku.
- JENSSEN “THE WALL” VIKTOR HULKBOY 06:12 AM: Wakes up without an alarm, like a Nordic bear sensing daybreak. Immediately checks if Jesper’s still asleep next to him. He is. Soft smile activated.
06:30 AM: Gym time. Industrial strength headphones on. Listening to Viking metal and one secretly saved Taylor Swift song.
07:45 AM: Returns home. Jesper still asleep like a ragdoll in the sheets. Jens kisses his forehead and goes to make oatmeal. Adds protein powder. Adds creatine. Adds love.
09:00 AM: Training. Fights for his life against the midfield. Elbows someone “accidentally” for calling Jesper short.
12:30 PM: Lunch with team. Will stare down anyone who makes Jesper blush.
15:00 PM: Recovery session, cold tub, existential crisis.
17:00 PM: Home. Cooks for two. Jesper helps by standing there and taste testing.
20:00 PM: Netflix time. Lays on couch. Jesper on top. Human blanket achieved.
22:30 PM: Sleeps in boxer briefs. Arm permanently affixed to Jesper’s waist. Will fistfight the night if Jesper has a nightmare.
- JEPPE “BABY SLOTH” LÖFGREN 07:35 AM: Wakes up in fetal position. Burrito’d in 4 blankets. Nonverbal for first 10 minutes. Hydrates with peach iced tea.
08:00 AM: Follows Jens around the kitchen. Occasionally bumps into him like a Roomba. Doesn’t say much. Just soft “mmm” sounds.
09:00 AM: Training. Loudest on the field. Absolute gremlin mode. Tackles like he’s 6 feet tall and tax evading.
12:30 PM: Flirts with Jens by stealing his lunch. Giggles. Denies everything.
14:00 PM: Ice bath. Screams like a banshee. Still refuses to skip.
17:00 PM: Game night with the boys. Cheating at UNO. Called “disrespectful” by Sam.
20:00 PM: Netflix cuddles. Demands back scratches. Talks through the movie. Jens listens like it’s gospel.
23:00 PM: Sleepy whisper: “love u... fight me in dream.” Passes out mid-sentence.
- SAM “RICH KID, DRAMA KING” VAN BRIGHTWELL 07:00 AM: Wakes up to his espresso machine he bought from Italy. Face mask on. Sends 3 emails to customer support for fun.
08:00 AM: Outfit check. Puts on moisturizer. Then yells at Siri to remind him to moisturize again in 4 hours.
09:00 AM: Training. Sleighs. Does not sweat. Wears gloves even when it's 19°C.
11:30 AM: Yells at Jens for PDA. Yells at Jesper for being annoying. Buys them coffee anyway.
13:00 PM: Zoom call with parents. Argues about switching banks. Again.
16:00 PM: Yoga or gossip or both. Milos is his reluctant audience.
18:00 PM: Dinner with the boys. Tries to serve quinoa. Gets booed.
21:00 PM: Tells everyone to shut up during movie night. Texts Jesper’s mom: “your son’s being weird again.”
00:00 AM: Silk pajamas. Sleeps diagonally. With 3 blankets and a humidifier.
- MILOS “HUNGARIAN FIRECRACKER” KÁDÁR 08:10 AM: Wakes up late. Stumbles around. Hair a mess. Kicks over his PS5.
08:30 AM: Drinks black coffee and eats two cold slices of pizza. No regrets.
09:00 AM: Training. Screams when slide-tackled. Yells back louder. Causes drama.
12:30 PM: Lunch. Has two trays. Still hungry.
14:00 PM: Gaming. Headset on. Screaming at 13-year-olds online.
17:00 PM: Gets dragged to a team dinner. Brings hot sauce. Spills it.
20:00 PM: Sleepover at Jens’s place. Complains the floor is too hard. Passes out in 4 seconds.
23:30 PM: Sleep talking: “no... that’s my controller…”
- SVEN “SUNSHINE INCARNATE” BERG 06:45 AM: Wakes up peacefully. Meditates. Journals. Lights a candle.
07:30 AM: Makes smoothie. Offers to everyone. Only Yuki accepts.
09:00 AM: Training. Apologizes after every foul. Bakes banana bread post-practice.
12:30 PM: Tries to start a conversation about astrology. Jesper throws a spoon.
15:00 PM: Volunteers to clean locker room. No one asked. Just vibes.
18:00 PM: Texts everyone: “movie night?” then “pls respond :((”
21:00 PM: Ends up cuddling Milos like a tired puppy.
22:30 PM: Reads quietly on the couch while everyone screams. Still smiles.
- TIJJANI “NO THOUGHTS, JUST SPEED” EATS DEFENDERS 07:55 AM: Wakes up from a nightmare involving Sven’s banana bread. Late again. Toothbrush in mouth as he runs out the door.
09:00 AM: Training. Hyper-focused. Laughs manically when slide-tackling Sam.
12:00 PM: Posts shirtless pics on Instagram. With bad filters.
14:00 PM: Video call with his cousins. They all roast him.
17:00 PM: Pretends to hate game night. Ends up shouting over UNO like his life depends on it.
21:00 PM: Falls asleep on beanbag. Hoodie up. Mouth open.
23:00 PM: Wakes up. Eats leftover lasagna. Goes back to sleep.
- YUKI “ZEN MASTER OF CHAOS” TAKESHIMA 05:45 AM: Awake before the sun. Meditates. Writes in his Baka Diary™. Watered plants. Thanked the sky.
07:00 AM: Makes rice and grilled fish. Packs tea for Jens. No explanation given.
09:00 AM: Training. Never yells. Tackles like a surgeon.
12:00 PM: Watches chaos unfold. Scribbles silently. Once whispered, “idiots, but mine.”
15:00 PM: Tea ceremony alone in locker room. Milos joins and ruins it. He forgives. Eventually.
18:00 PM: BBQ night. Everyone forgets a side dish except him.
21:00 PM: Sits silently on the couch. Joins the sleepover without announcing it.
00:00 AM: Last to fall asleep. First to wake. Vanishes like mist by sunrise.
[YUKI'S PARENTS FROM JAPAN ARRIVE]
It all started when Yuki told the GC:
Yuki: “my parent from Japan arrive” Jesper: “AAAA can I meet them I’ll bow like in the anime” Jens: “you are so uncultured.” Sam: “are we having dinner or tea ceremony or both or what do I wear” Yuki: “just come. peace. socks clean.”
That evening at the Sakai Residence: The house smells like serenity and sesame oil.
Yuki’s mom hands everyone slippers at the door.
Sven bows so low he hits his head on the shoe rack.
Yuki’s dad just nods in full quiet approval.
The boys, panicking, bow back at 5 different angles.
The Dinner Table: Homemade sushi, sukiyaki, grilled fish, miso soup, tamagoyaki… literal feast.
Jesper eats a wasabi ball thinking it’s avocado. His soul leaves his body.
Milos tries to use chopsticks. Sam feeds him like a baby bird instead.
Jens quietly learning and actually getting it right — Yuki’s dad says “good.”
Sven panics and just eats rice. A lot of it.
Yuki brings out the MATCHA and sweets: His mom shows them how to whisk it properly.
Sam: “I think I’m high on calm”
Jesper, whispering to Jens: “does inner peace come in bottles?”
Jens: “shut up and chew your mochi”
Milos: “why is this green tea so strong. it’s punching me softly.”
Meanwhile: Yuki’s mom teaches Jesper and Sam how to fold a proper napkin.
Sven knocks over a tea cup and dies of shame. Yuki’s dad just chuckles.
Tijjani accidentally says “itadakimasu” at the end.
Jens and Jesper are just sitting there silently smiling at each other like: “why is this lowkey the best night ever?”
Post-dinner vibes: Everyone helps clean up. Yuki’s mom says “you are all my sons now.”
Sam tears up.
Milos texts his mom: “i have a japanese mom now don’t be mad”
Jesper tries to help dry the dishes, drops one, screams “DAIJOUBU” and bows repeatedly.
Yuki: “you are embarrassing. but i accept.”
That night in the GC: Sam: “Yuki’s parents are angels” Jesper: “I have peace in my soul now” Jens: “your soul is dumb” Milos: “I think I cried during dessert” Sven: “I left with 4 extra mochis don’t tell them” Yuki: “they said you all are disaster. but good boys.”
YES YES YESSS— welcome to the Alkmaar Bubbly Boys Visit the Sam Estate: a day so luxurious, even the furniture felt expensive to breathe near.
It began in the GC:
Sam: “Mom said come over for lunch. Also pool. Also chef.” Jesper: “is this the same mom who got us Gucci socks last Christmas” Sam: “Yes. She also bought a pizza oven for fun.” Milos: “i’m wearing my nicest H\&M” Sven: “Do I bring a gift? Or like a... prayer?”
Arrival at the Mansion™:
- Sam’s dad opens the door in a silk shirt and barefoot, holding a glass of wine. “Boys!” he beams, like he adopted them all at birth.
- Jesper: “Is that a chandelier in the guest bathroom?”
- Jens: already taking mental notes to tease him later
- Tijjani: “I just passed 3 Teslas and a grand piano... in the hallway??”
- Yuki: “feng shui correct. too many pillows though.”
Lunch on the terrace:
- A literal chef grills gourmet kebabs by the pool while jazz plays softly.
- Sam’s mom walks out in Chanel and sunhat: “Make yourselves at home, boys!”
- Milos sits too stiffly in a \$10,000 chair and whispers “i’m not home this is a museum.”
- Sven tries to cut his steak but the knife glides through like it was blessed.
- Jesper makes Jens laugh so hard he snorts sparkling water. Sam’s mom just says, “Adorable.”
Post-lunch: Pool time™
- Sam throws off his shirt like a model in a perfume ad.
- Jens and Jesper cannonball immediately, splashing half the designer tiles.
- Yuki sits poolside in a robe, sipping iced matcha like an emperor.
- Sven is dragged into the water mid-scream.
- Sam’s dad brings out towels like a hotel concierge. “You boys are family,” he says. Sven dies inside. Again.
Afternoon Shenanigans:
- They try tennis.
- Jesper crashes into a hedge and screams “it was decorative anyway!!”
- Tijjani attempts croquet, hits Jens in the ankle.
- Sam’s mom claps, “Such lively energy!”
- Yuki meditates under a lemon tree.
Later, lounging on velvet couches:
Sam’s dad: “So how’s football, boys?” Jesper: “We’re surviving. Barely.” Milos: “My hamstring is dying but my heart is full.” Sam’s mom: “Should we book a wellness retreat for you all?” Sven: “No because I will actually cry if you do.”
That night in the GC:
Jesper: “I used a bidet for the first time.” Jens: “we get it ur cultured now” Sven: “I saw a golden spoon. Just lying there. For sugar??” Milos: “I didn’t want to leave. I am part of the furniture now.” Yuki: “their toilet is smarter than me.” Tijjani: “next time we’re inviting her to our place”
---🧨SCENE FILE: “Milos’ Magyar Mayhem” (subtitle: Hungarian Hospitality Meets Unmedicated ADHD) Milos’ parents came to visit from Hungary. They brought love. They brought food. They brought… expectations. Mistake.
🥘 Setting: Milos’ family home in Alkmaar. Big table. Stuffed with paprika chicken, lángos, goulash, like 5 types of pickles, and something that looked suspiciously cursed but tasted like heaven. His mom was glowing. His dad was so proud. Milos? Already regretting.
🗨️ Milos: “Listen. You lot. You will behave. Smile. Compliment the food. No chaos.” 🗨️ Jesper: “what if i cry at the goulash” 🗨️ Tijjani: “what if i fall in love with your mom’s cooking” 🗨️ Sam: “what if i ask to be adopted” 🗨️ Yuki: “what if i bring matcha? fusion dinner.”
💥 CHAOS TIMESTAMPED:
Jesper took one bite of the goulash and moaned too loud. Milos' mom blushed.
Sam casually mentioned he had a butler once, got roasted for 10 minutes by Milos’ dad.
Jens tried to help serve and nearly knocked over a vat of soup. Jesper held his wrist and said, “ur not a kitchen guy it’s okay babe.”
Tijjani mispronounced every single dish but ate enough for three people.
Yuki meditated in the corner with pickled cabbage. Said it helped him “channel paprika balance.”
Sven said "thank you" in Hungarian once. Milos’ parents loved him. He didn’t speak again. MVP behavior.
🗨️ Milos (in the groupchat later): “you people are feral. uncultured. emotionally loud. and my parents already asked when you’re coming again.” 🗨️ Jesper: “SOUL FOOD CHANGES LIVES” 🗨️ Tijjani: “your dad said i eat like a real magyar. i almost cried.” 🗨️ Yuki: “i bring miso next time. culture mix. zen goulash.”
🎖️TOP 10 INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS CAUSED BY THE BUBBLY BOYS WHILE VISITING EACH OTHER’S FAMILIES (a diplomatic disasterclass by the Zen Seven™) Welcome to the UN Blacklist Archive. Seven boys. Seven nations. Zero filter.
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Hungarian Hospitality Massacre – Milos’ House (Hungary) Already covered. Goulash was cried on. Jesper moaned too loud. Sam tried to apply for adoption. Yuki whispered “miso goulash fusion” and Milos’ dad hasn’t recovered.
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Rich People Don’t Deserve Peace – Sam’s Family Mansion (Netherlands) Everyone showed up in Crocs. Sam's mom served caviar, Jesper asked if it was “gummy eggs.” Jens mistook a wine decanter for a fancy water jug. Yuki brought matcha and tried to teach the housekeeper zen breathing. Sven was too polite. Sam’s parents want him as a son. Sam is still salty.
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Jesper’s Chaos Cottage in Sweden – “Simon’s Grill Night” Jens was trying hard to impress. Jesper’s brother Simon said, “So this is your type?” Sam and Jesper tag-teamed roasting Jens. Jens still smiled through the tears. Tijjani challenged Simon to a meatball-eating contest. Lost. Vomited. Yuki bowed to Simon and said, “You very strong IKEA brother.” Jesper’s mom knitted Jens a hat. Jens hasn’t taken it off since.
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Zen Diplomacy Failed – Yuki’s House (Japan) They all thought it would be peaceful. It was not. Tijjani tried to eat everything with chopsticks, even soup. Sam said, “I have sushi at the airport, I got this.” He did not got this. Jesper accidentally bowed to the dog. Yuki’s grandma liked Sven the most. Called him “Subeni-kun” and made him mochi. Everyone else just sulked quietly over tea.
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Jens’ Danish Christmas – “Hygge Is A Lie” Jesper tried to help cook and almost burned the gravy. Milos asked why there were 37 candles and zero light bulbs. Sam brought champagne. Jens’ grandma brought gløgg. They shouldn’t have mixed them. Yuki gifted Jens’ dad a tiny Zen garden. Jens’ dad said, “I’ll use it when I quit drinking.” Sven said “merry hygge-mas” and somehow got applause. Again.
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Sven’s Family BBQ – "Dutch People Don't Know What's Coming" Everyone arrived early. Big mistake. Sven's dad handed beers before breakfast. Jesper started DJing. Yuki tried to meditate but got caught in a conga line. Tijjani accidentally started a neighborhood soccer match. Milos beat Sven's uncle in chess and now isn't allowed back. Sam asked if they had WiFi in the garden. They didn’t. He fainted.
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The Jesper-Sam Summer Sleepover (Age 16–Flashback) Jesper stayed with Sam's family when his mom was sick. Sam's mom treated him like her own. Jesper once cooked pasta with Nutella as a dare. Sam’s dad cried (probably from rage). They built a pillow fort that collapsed onto the dog. Jesper called Sam his “emergency brother.” Sam never forgot that. Yuki later said: “That moment. Was family.”
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Milos & the Eurotrip Gone Wrong They all tried going on a road trip from Hungary to Netherlands in one van. Sam brought too many suitcases. Jesper brought none. Jens brought 12 playlists titled “Jespercore.” Milos drove. Never again. Yuki meditated through a tire burst. They slept in IKEA parking lot once. Sven loved it. Tijjani filmed it all and made a 3-min edit titled: “Death By Friendship: Eurotrip 2023.”
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Eid at Tijjani’s House – “Respectful Chaos” They tried. They really tried. Jesper wore a baju koko. Jens bowed too low to Tijjani’s grandma. Sam brought a tray of expensive cookies. Jesper dropped it. Yuki sat in the corner and chanted “sambal is enlightenment.” Sven fasted out of solidarity. Milos broke his fast 3 minutes early by accident and cried. Tijjani said: “You’re all disasters. But thanks.”
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Yuki’s Zen Tea Ceremony – “It Was Supposed To Be Chill” Yuki invited everyone to a traditional tea afternoon. Jesper said the tea tasted like “leaf water with depression.” Sam added honey. Jens drank 6 cups and cried about Jesper’s eyelashes. Tijjani asked where the coffee was. Sven bowed correctly, drank silently, and got a second cup without asking. Yuki later whispered: “Subeni-chan… you are the chosen leaf.”
OH MY GODDDD YESSS THIS IS A SAM B. CRISIS STORY™ IF I’VE EVER SEEN ONE. Let’s go. Get comfy. We’re diving into a Sam-Forced-to-Sleep-at-Jesper’s-on-a-Tuesday Saga™, a rare tragedy, a class betrayal, and a front-row ticket to the Jens & Jesper Toddler Love Hour.
📆 Setting: A cursed Tuesday night in late 2022
Background info:
- Sam’s rich parents: “Darling, we’re using your starter mansion to host our imported cousins from Switzerland.”
- Tijjani: out of town, being beloved and mysterious in Zwolle.
- Milos: “bro you can crash here” → offers Sam an air mattress on the floor next to his PS5 and an open jar of Nutella.
- Yuki and Sven: “haha not tonight 😳 we doing facial masks and watching Naruto like it’s a date”
- Sam: ✨ Desperate. Disgusted. Defeated. ✨
“Fine. I’ll go to the rat cave.”
🚪 Arrival at Jesper’s: 22:01
Jesper opens the door in Jens’ shirt, which hangs to mid-thigh. He’s holding a spoon and absolutely no explanation.
“Sam. Good. You're early. We have two beds. Jens and I will share mine, you get the guest room.”
Sam: “Thank God. This place is surprisingly livable.”
Narrator voice: That was his first mistake.
🛏️ 22:45 – Attempting sleep
Sam fluffs the pillows. The bed is comfy. The room smells like vanilla and Jens’ cologne.
He’s just dozing off when he hears… it.
💬 The Jens and Jesper Pre-Sleep Dialogue (heard through the wall, volume: MAXIMUM)
Jesper: "Wait, did you lock the front door? Are you sure? Like sure sure?"
Jens: “Yes, baby, I checked. Now lay down. Have you peed? You have to pee.”
Jesper: “No 😤 I don’t wanna! You’re bossy.”
Jens: “You’ll have nightmares if you don’t. One sip of water. Then pee. Then cuddles.”
Jesper: “But my blanket corner is already warm.”
Jens: “Baby, go pee.”
Jesper: audible whining noises
🛏️ 23:10 – Sam texts the group chat:
🐸Sam: someone please come get your gay sons i’m at my limit
🌀Yuki: me tell you. you go there. you accept the consequences.
💅Tijjani (from Zwolle): what’s the problem. just fall asleep to their little love lullabies.
🍫Milos: bro r they kissing rn 😭😭😭😭😭
🐀 Meanwhile in the next room:
Jesper returns from his forced bathroom break. Climbs into bed. Jens wraps him up like a human burrito.
Jesper (muffled): “Your legs are cold. Warm them up. Or I die.”
Jens: “Then die I guess.”
Jesper: “Mean. I’m telling Sam.”
Jens: “Sam doesn’t care.”
Jesper: dramatic gasp “SAM LOVES ME MORE THAN YOU DO.”
Jens: offended Viking noises
🕑 01:30 AM – Sam lies awake, hearing them whispering and giggling
He considers jumping out the window.
Eventually, he throws on his silk sleep mask, puts in AirPods, and blasts white noise at full volume.
☀️ Morning, 08:00
Jesper makes coffee. Jens is standing behind him with a hand on his waist like a dad at a Sunday brunch.
Sam enters the kitchen with wild hair and murder in his eyes.
“I knew you two were codependent but I didn’t know it was a literal lullaby musical.”
Jesper: “You were the one who came to my house.”
Jens: “Do you want eggs?”
Sam: “No. I want therapy.”
🧘♂️Yuki Recap (in the group chat later):
“Sam go to Jesper house. Say: wow. very normal. then: no sleep. hear voice. baby talk. Jens say: drink water. Jesper say: no. very drama. very love. me think: Sam learn lesson.”
🎤 Sam, in his Real Housewives Confessional:
“I’m rich. I deserve better. But… I’ll admit it. Their baby talk is so disgusting it’s kind of romantic. Still. Never again. Next time I’m sleeping in a hotel. Five stars only.”
OH GOD. THE LEGENDARY "EVERYONE CRASHED AT JENJES HQ AT LEAST ONCE" FILE HAS BEEN OPENED. 😭 The Bubble Boys had two crash pads in Alkmaar 22/23: Jens' Apartment (clean, hotel-coded, overly folded towels) and Jesper's Apartment (cosier, a shrine to Jens, one drawer entirely dedicated to raccoon snacks).
And yet, they all left… changed.
Let’s go through the Alkmaar Bubbly Boy Emergency Sleepovers™, one by one:
🧠 Master Timeline of Bubble Boy Sleepovers at Jens/Jesper’s
Subtitle: “Jens and Jesper are literally always cuddling. Get used to it.”
🐵 Milos
Reason: “something’s leaking in my cave” Reality: No one ever confirmed what was leaking. Jens suspected it was chocolate syrup. Jesper refused to ask.
Milos arrives with: one hoodie, zero toothbrush, and a PS5 controller for no reason.
Stays at: Jens' place His review:
“bro the floor was cleaner than my shower. wtf.”
Survives Jens’ constant hovering. Accidentally walks in on Jens carrying Jesper like a human baby and doesn’t even flinch.
“bro… you good?” Jens: “he’s sleepy.” Jesper: snoring on Jens’ shoulder like a backpack.
Takeaway: Ate all of Jens’ cereal. Called the bed “too soft.” Woke up with a sticky note from Jens saying “you forgot your socks.” He did.
🍃 Yuki
Reason: His entire block lost electricity. It was a spiritual challenge. Sven was out of town. Sam’s mansion? Too tall. Too echo-y. He would lose his soul in there. Tijjani’s apartment? Vibe check failed.
Stays at: Jesper’s place
Yuki’s reaction:
“Nice house. Clean. Smell like Jens.”
Watches Jens help Jesper fold tiny laundry and hears them argue over whether Jesper should eat another slice of bread. Jens wins.
Yuki sleeps peacefully. Until—
2:43am: Wakes up to whisper-yelling.
Jens: “You need to drink water.” Jesper: “No. I’m too comfy. You drink water.” Jens: “That’s not how that works.” Jesper: snort snore “Goodnight.”
Yuki in the morning:
“Very loud. But very love. Me think: soulmate. Me happy for them.”
🧍♂️ Sven
Reason: Pest control in his apartment. He left 14 bowls of sugar out to test if ants had evolved intelligence. Yuki was away. Sam was with parents. Milos offered him the leaky cave. Sven refused politely.
Stays at: Jens' place
Sven’s review:
“Really nice. Clean. Jens offered me tea like a grandma. Jesper kept yelling ‘YOU’RE NOT TAKING MY JENS’ BED.’ So I took the couch. It was fine.”
Sven woke up with a full breakfast. Jens made it. Jesper sat on the counter, stealing toast bites like a raccoon gremlin.
Takeaway: Sven said it felt like staying with his parents. But if his parents were weirdly obsessed with cuddling and had matching cleats in the hallway.
💅 Tijjani
Reason: Wi-Fi outage. No Wi-Fi = no film school applications. Sam was gone. He panicked.
Stays at: Jesper’s place
His review:
“Jesper’s got surprisingly good taste. Why’s there a framed photo of Jens on the bookshelf tho??”
Jesper that night: “You can sleep in the guest room. No shoes on the carpet. And if you hear Jens and I fighting it’s about who has to turn off the lights, not a real fight.”
Tijjani heard them fight. It ended with:
Jesper: “You’re so dramatic.” Jens: “You were literally fake-crying.” Jesper: “Fake?! That was my Oscar-worthy sob.”
Tijjani’s takeaway: Sat in silence at breakfast. Ate a croissant. Then finally said:
“Y’all are so toxic. But like… in a cinema way. 9/10 experience. Would crash again.”
🐸 Sam
Already covered. Still traumatized. Still refuses to speak on it.
🧘♂️ Final Word: Yuki Commentary
“All boys stay there once. All leave with new trauma. Or love. Or both. Very comfy beds. Very loud love. Jens always make tea. Jesper always scream. Me think: classic.”
OH YOU WANNA UNLEASH THE FIVE HORSEMEN OF JENJES CRASHING SOMEWHERE ELSE?? Because yes. There were exactly five documented sleepovers where Jens and Jesper, the clingiest couple in northern Europe, had to crash at one of the bubbly boys’ houses. Every single one? A disaster. A localized emotional and logistical apocalypse. Property damage, mental scars, deeply scarring PDA.
📜 The Five Catastrophes of Jens & Jesper Sleeping Elsewhere™
☕ 1. Sam’s Mansion (a Tuesday)
Reason: Jens’ ceiling was leaking (Milos swore it wasn’t him this time). Sam had no choice. It was Tuesday. Jesper's night.
What happened:
- Jens wore socks in the house. Sam almost fainted.
- Jesper touched one of the priceless sculptures. “It’s ugly,” he said. It was from the 17th century.
- Jens asked where the kettle was. Sam said, “We have people for that.”
- Jesper made ramen in the \$6,000 saucepan and left it soaking in the sink.
- At 3AM, they started whisper-fighting about who forgot the plush duck at home.
Sam's review (to his therapist):
"They put their toothbrushes in the same cup. Like touching bristles. That’s medieval. Never again.”
🎮 2. Milos’ Monkey Cave (a Thursday?)
Reason: Jesper’s place was being sprayed for pests. Ironically.
What happened:
- Jens asked to vacuum. Milos said “what’s that.”
- Jesper used the bathroom, came out looking haunted. Said nothing.
- Jens asked where the bed was. Milos pointed to a beanbag.
- Jesper: “You sleep like this?? You’re 21, not a raccoon in a tire shop.”
- Jens tried to light a candle to make the place smell better. It triggered the fire alarm.
- The PS5 remote fell on Jesper's head at 4am.
Milos’ review:
“Bro stole my blanket and called it crusty. I want them gone.” (He cried after they left. It was lonely again.)
🍵 3. Yuki & Sven’s Zen Den (a Saturday)
Reason: Construction at Jens’ place. Jackhammers at 6am. Jens started crying (silently).
What happened:
- Jens and Jesper showed up with an overnight bag that had a plant in it. Just… why.
- Jesper tried to cook and added wasabi to rice “for flavor.” Sven cried.
- Jens asked Yuki if his incense was certified. Yuki blinked for 12 seconds straight.
- They cuddled on the floor instead of the bed because “it felt cozier.”
- Yuki tried to meditate. Jesper played a TikTok at full volume.
- Sven walked in on Jens shirtless doing affirmations in the mirror:
"You're strong. You're capable. Jesper loves you."
Yuki's commentary:
“Too much love. Very soft. But scary. Jesper bite my matcha spoon.” Sven: “They are emotionally... intense.”
💻 4. Tijjani’s Indie Dungeon (a Wednesday)
Reason: Jesper’s apartment being deep cleaned. Jens refused to go to a hotel.
What happened:
- Jens asked for the Wi-Fi password. It was "fuckcapitalism2020".
- Jesper tried to open a window and broke the latch. Tijjani whispered “they’re gonna kill me.”
- They had a whole debate in front of Tijjani about which IKEA lamp best represented their love.
- Jesper made a pillow fort. Jens crawled in, refused to come out until Jesper kissed his nose.
- They streamed Call Me by Your Name and both sobbed loudly.
- Tijjani was in a work call while Jesper shouted, “JENS! WHERE’S MY MOISTURIZER?!?”
Tijjani’s notes:
“Why are they like this. Why are they so loud. I don’t even own moisturizer.”
🛋️ 5. The Infamous Night at Sam’s (Again) (A Sunday Emergency)
Reason: BOTH apartments had issues. Pest control & plumbing. Nowhere to go. Everyone else was out of town.
What happened:
- Jens brought his own pillow. Jesper brought two plushies and a framed photo of Jens.
- Sam refused to sleep in the same wing. They still found him to ask for a towel.
- Jesper sang a lullaby to Jens at 1:17am. Jens fell asleep with a heating pad.
- They took over the guest bathroom. Left sticky notes to each other on the mirror.
- Sam walked in the next morning and found Jens shampooing Jesper’s hair.
- No one made eye contact for 3 days.
Sam’s soul’s review:
“They’re so in love. I’m gonna throw up. But like… I believe in love now. I hate it here.”
☠️ Final Summary:
They meant well. They brought snacks. They offered back rubs. But wherever Jens and Jesper crash…
- Boundaries die.
- Cuddling reaches new levels of lore.
- A host cries. At least once.
Yuki, somewhere, wise and sipping tea:
“Love is strong. But hard to host.”
Oh, my sweet Birkenstock billionaire. This was Sam B.’s canonical villain origin day. A full, slow descent into hell with no Wi-Fi and no wine.
💀 WORST DAY IN ALKMAAR 22/23 – SAM’S HELLISH THURSDAY
7:00 AM – Wrong Side of the Bed™ Sam woke up with his silk pillowcase on the floor. His Apple Watch was dead. His La Mer moisturizer was crusted. Omen. Doom.
8:00 - 12:00 PM – The Training Session from Hell It was pouring rain. The grass was soggy. He slipped during warm-ups and got mud on his Lulu shorts. Coach screamed. Milos threw a cone at someone. Jens tackled Sam too hard because he “wasn’t paying attention.” Sam called it hate crime.
12:01 PM – Platonic Divorce Tijjani: “Going to Zwolle for the weekend!” Sam: already holding tears in his Celine water bottle
They always got lunch after Thursday training. Now he had to eat alone and right across from Jesper licking salad dressing off Jens’ finger.
1:00 PM – Salad Sabotage Jens fed Jesper like it was a wedding cake. Jesper giggled. Sam chewed his overpriced arugula in silence, muttering,
“My tax dollars do not fund this.”
2:00 - 4:00 PM – Gym of Doom Sam got partnered with Milos. Milos did one rep then lay on the floor and watched YouTube shorts at full volume. Jesper and Jens worked out across the room and kissed between sets.
Sam’s playlist: Lorde’s Pure Heroine (cursed edition).
4:00 PM – His Mansion Got Stolen Parents called:
“Darling, we’re using the Alkmaar house for a dinner party with diplomats.” Sam: “It’s MY house—” Parents: “Well technically, it’s under our name. Enjoy your evening!”
Sam stood outside the gym in the rain. Backpack soggy. Soul empty.
5:00 PM – He Showered in Public Hair washed with generic 2-in-1. Ate leftover pasta in the locker room with a plastic fork. Yuki patted him on the head like a wet puppy.
6:00 PM – Desperate Measures Texted the group:
“Anyone got a couch tonight?”
- Milos: "yes but leak from ceiling on monkey wall"
- Yuki & Sven: "we watching samurai documentary. house very quiet."
- Tijjani: "sorry bestie still in Zwolle. platonically love u tho"
- Jesper & Jens: "come over 🫶 we’ll be home at 9"
Sam: “Fine.”
6:00 - 9:00 PM – Wandered Like a Victorian Orphan Sat in the lounge. Watched the training hub lights turn off one by one. Ate a protein bar for dinner. Played solitaire on his phone. Checked the Airbnb app. Nothing.
9:00 PM – The Violation Walked into Jesper’s apartment.
Door? Unlocked. Lights? Dimmed. Jens and Jesper? Naked. On the kitchen counter. Jesper: gasp Jens: gasp Sam: “I’M GONNA BLIND MYSELF WITH A FORK”
He turned. Left. Walked back out into the rain like a Victorian widow.
9:01 PM – 7:00 AM – He Slept On The Training Room Couch Wrapped himself in a clean towel. Hugged his Prada tote. Yuki brought him tea and said “very strong heart.” Sven gave him a blankie.
Sam stared at the ceiling tiles. He saw God. And God said,
“You are the main character. But you are not immune to chaos.”
Next day, he filed an official “Emotional Disturbance in Shared Housing” complaint with the club. They framed it on the wall. Jesper autographed it.
STOP 😭😭😭 you just drafted the most Sam B.-coded tragicomedy itinerary ever. This is literally the Alkmaar 22/23 worst day simulation. Let’s break this down in detail because every single hour is cursed:
🌅 7AM – Woke up wrong. Sam opened his eyes and was like “nah.” You know he’s the type to immediately check his phone, see 0 messages from Tijjani (who was already halfway to Zwolle), and feel personally abandoned.
🔥 8–12PM – Hellish practice. Coach yelling. Milos tripping over cones. Jens trying not to murder Jesper in front of HR. Yuki humming peacefully. Sam suffering in silence because he’s too rich to complain but too sensitive not to.
🥲 12PM – Platonic wife abandonment. Tijjani: “bro, I gotta visit my fam.” Sam: “okay have fun 🥲” (voice trembling, holding back tears like it’s an actual breakup)
🥗 1PM – Lunch with unhinged PDA. Jens and Jesper fully making out across from him. Milos telling him to “just look away.” Sam picking at his sad Caesar salad, thinking about how no one has ever loved him like Jens loves that raccoon.
🏋️ 2–4PM – Hellish gym. Yuki and Sven doing couple squats in the corner. Milos dropping a dumbbell on his own foot. Sam doing cardio in existential despair.
📞 4PM – Parents stole the mansion. His parents: “darling, we’re in Alkmaar! We’ll stay at your place tonight. You don’t mind, do you?” Sam, mentally: “i literally don’t have a home anymore.”
🥹 5PM – Showering at the training hub. Standing under lukewarm water in the club shower like a Victorian orphan. Milos FaceTiming Tijjani to show him how sad Sam looked.
🏠 6PM – No house, nowhere to go. Yuki & Sven: “tonight me and sven cook. boys no invite.” (Translation: we are being domestic, leave us alone.) Milos: “you can come to my place but my mattress is on the floor and i have no cutlery.” Sam: “it’s fine. i’ll just… wait here.”
🕰️ 6–9PM – Purgatory. Three hours of charging his phone, watching YouTube videos about skincare routines, reconsidering all his life choices.
🚪 9PM – Ultimate horror. Sam finally drags himself to Jesper’s place. The door is unlocked because chaos. He pushes it open, steps inside— SURPRISE!!! Jens and Jesper, naked on the kitchen counter, living their best feral lives.
Sam just standing there in his designer hoodie like: “I have no home, no platonic wife, no dignity left.”
🌚 9PM–7AM – Aftermath. He probably barricaded himself in Jesper’s guest room, sent 900 voice notes to Tijjani about how he’s been emotionally victimized, and tried to sleep while he heard suspicious noises through the thin walls.
💀 Conclusion: This is truly the Alkmaar 22/23 Dark Day for Sam B. He’d never recover from the secondhand trauma. Next morning he’d walk into training with eye bags and a thousand-yard stare.
Bro. This is exactly why he was the 24-year-old baby of the squad. Would you like to imagine the group chat meltdown when he told the others??? Because you know Yuki would just reply: “bro me sorry but this funny.”
BROOOOOO YESSSSSS 😭😭😭 THE BUBBLY BOYS AIRBNB TOUR This is a ✨canon travel brochure✨ and you KNOW every single house had its own flavor of trauma or healing.
I’m about to give you the OFFICIAL BUBBLY BOYS GUEST GUIDE:
🌟 1️⃣ Sam’s Mansion (The Barefoot Tycoon Experience)
✅ Perks:
- Ridiculously big.
- Guest room with an actual king-sized bed.
- Bathroom that looked like a spa.
- Fully stocked fridge (Sam didn’t know what half of it was).
- The most comfortable towels on earth. ✅ Host energy:
- Sam was genuinely sweet but so detached from reality.
- “Bro if you need anything just tell the cleaner.” ✅ Drawbacks:
- Sometimes you’d wake up to his mom and dad randomly touring the place they bought him.
- Sam forgot what he owned, so you’d find things like an unopened PS5 in a box in the guest closet.
- Very little warmth—like staying in a fancy hotel owned by a 24-year-old manchild.
🥇 Guest Review (Milos): “10/10 WiFi. 0/10 vibes. Too quiet. I missed the chaos.”
🌟 2️⃣ Tijjani’s High-Rise Apartment (The Platonic Marriage Suite)
✅ Perks:
- Gorgeous skyline view.
- Modern everything.
- Immaculate kitchen.
- Tijjani always cooked for you—like actually good meals. ✅ Host energy:
- Dad friend.
- “Bro, are you hydrated?”
- “You good? Want breakfast?” ✅ Drawbacks:
- You’d have to hear him on the phone with Sam for HOURS, even though they were just platonic husbands.
- The place was so clean you were scared to breathe wrong.
- If you left a crumb, he’d vacuum it before you could apologize.
🥇 Guest Review (Yuki): “Me feel safe. Me respect.”
🌟 3️⃣ Yuki’s Cozy Den (The Zen Healing Center)
✅ Perks:
- Smelled like eucalyptus.
- Small but peaceful.
- Warm blankets, calming lights, tea always ready. ✅ Host energy:
- A monk.
- “Me make soup. You rest.” ✅ Drawbacks:
- Too relaxing—if you stayed more than 2 days you’d lose all concept of time.
- You had to be quiet because Yuki believed yelling attracted bad energy.
🥇 Guest Review (Tijjani): “5 stars. I took the best nap of my life.”
🌟 4️⃣ Sven’s Minimalist House (The Dutch National Husband’s Airbnb)
✅ Perks:
- Spotless and simple.
- Big kitchen table.
- Always a warm dinner waiting for you. ✅ Host energy:
- Pure husband vibes.
- “Make yourself at home. Are you okay? Do you need anything?” ✅ Drawbacks:
- Sven would lowkey hover.
- He’d over-apologize for everything.
- If you stayed more than 3 nights he’d get shy and be like “I hope you’re not too bored here.”
🥇 Guest Review (Jesper): “Bro I would marry him if Jens died.”
🌟 5️⃣ Jens’ Apartment (The Viking Cave)
✅ Perks:
- Actually super homey.
- Good snacks, nice couch, always clean.
- Strong coffee game. ✅ Host energy:
- Chill but caring.
- “Bro, take the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.” ✅ Drawbacks:
- Subtle traces of Jesper’s existence everywhere (like his hoodies, his hair ties).
- Occasionally too quiet, like Jens only came alive when Jesper was there.
- If you were there on a Sunday, may God have mercy on you.
🥇 Guest Review (Milos): “Strong 9/10. Just don’t stay Sundays.”
🌟 6️⃣ Jesper’s House (The Tunnel Rat’s Den)
✅ Perks:
- Cozy and weirdly well-organized.
- A lot of plants.
- Jesper cooked surprisingly good pasta. ✅ Host energy:
- Chill but mischievous.
- “Don’t open that drawer.” (You opened it. You regret it.) ✅ Drawbacks:
- The unholy rotation schedule (Jens showing up like he lived there—because he did).
- Danger of seeing things you could never unsee.
- The smell of Jens’ cologne everywhere.
🥇 Guest Review (Sam): “Bro. He’s literally married. I’m scared.”
🌟 7️⃣ Milos’ “Furnitureless Kingdom” (The Cryptid Cave)
✅ Perks:
- PS5.
- PC.
- Zero expectations. ✅ Host energy:
- Feral little brother.
- “Bro, crash here, but you gotta bring your own pillow.” ✅ Drawbacks:
- No furniture except air mattress.
- Shower was a coin toss whether it worked.
- No groceries—just Red Bull.
🥇 Guest Review (Sven): “He’s thriving, but I was not.”
😭😭😭 TL;DR: Each house was a perfect microcosm of their owner’s unhinged personality. You didn’t just stay there. You lived a whole character arc.