alkmaarsurvivor22

bubbly boys: chronically online (texting)

Published on

ALKMAAR 22/23 — BUBBLY BOYS’ TEXTING BEHAVIORS (UNHINGED EDITION) subtitle: “none of them should have internet access but here we are.” mega thread. zero grammar. zero peace.

1. JESPER — Feral Finger Gremlin

  • Capslock abuser. Keyboard smasher. Sends 9 texts in a row instead of one paragraph.

  • Always adds a cursed gif. Of himself. Or a dog on fire.

  • Example to Jens: JEEEENNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS i broke the blender again help :( + photo of broken blender & cheese cubes flying mid-air

  • Groupchat behavior: Loudest. No punctuation. Chaos in every message. Accidentally FaceTimes the group at least once a week.

2. JENS — Minimalist Cryptid

  • Replies with lowercase “ok” or thumbs up.

  • Never starts convos but reads every message. Knows all tea.

  • Sends selfies with no caption, and you’re supposed to just know

  • Example to Jesper: ok + photo of him with disheveled hair and sleepy face Jesper responds with 27 heart emojis and 4 threats

  • Groupchat behavior: Only speaks to calm the others down or drop one (1) terrifying roast. When he types “jesper.” with a period = it’s over.

3. SAM — Rich Boy Drama Queen

  • Types like he’s live-blogging a Netflix drama. Full sentences. Overly descriptive.

  • Adds aesthetic emojis. “✨” “pls” “my therapist will hear abt this”

  • Constantly texting: “GUYS we have a situation”

  • Example to Milos: sweetie I love you but I will send you a bill for emotional damages also pls stop wearing flip flops in winter

  • Groupchat behavior: Changed the group name 56 times. Sends event invites for “mandatory bonding.” Sends horoscopes. Forces polls on what font the group should use.

4. YUKI — Zen Cryptic Messenger

  • Types like a monk. Mysterious. Minimal words. Haiku vibes.

  • Ends messages with “me think.”

  • Example to Sven: don’t go training today. rain. pain. me sense it. stay inside. me make tea.

  • Groupchat behavior: Only sends one emoji: “🪷” Once said: mosquito is karma in flying form. me accept bite. Groupchat went silent for 4 hours in reverence.

5. SVEN — Dad Friend Energy with Panic Button

  • Mostly normal. Uses punctuation. Pretends to be mature.

  • But when he’s stressed = voice notes. 6 mins long.

  • Spams the group if people are late.

  • Example to Jens: do u think we should sit Jesper down and ask him what he actually did to the microwave

  • Groupchat behavior: Posts memes like he’s 37. Sends reminders like “guys please bring socks to training it’s cold.” Sam calls him “Papa Sven” Jesper once replied with just: “boomer”

6. TIJJANI — Troll Lord Supreme

  • Uses “lmao” in every sentence. Rarely serious. Capitalizes to YELL ONLY.

  • Drops shady screenshots in groupchat with zero context.

  • Example to Sam: bro. that outfit today was bold. like. post-apocalyptic bold. lmao respect.

  • Groupchat behavior: Constantly threatens to leave the chat, never does. Sends blurry zoom-ins of Jens’ face at practice with “mood.” Once typed: if i get another mosquito bite i’m starting a fire Jesper responded with 8 flame gifs.

7. MILOS — Gremlin Goblin Mode

  • Misspells everything. On purpose. Uses all caps or no caps. Nothing in between.

  • Sends 30 TikToks per hour. Responds with a meme from 2011.

  • Example to Yuki: ME WANT PEPERONI + video of his foot in a sock labeled “left but it right”

  • Groupchat behavior: Keeps renaming it to “hot croatian croissants” or “team no hygiene.” Once messaged at 3AM: GUYS. IDEA. lets build a house together in hungary. yes or yesss

BONUS: GROUPCHAT NICKNAMES

(Updated weekly by Sam.)

  • “cheese cult but make it tactical”
  • “jens n his 6 emotional support gremlins”
  • “one braincell seven bodies”
  • “alkmaar academy of chaosology”

OH THEY WERE SO DRAMATIC. The Jenjes Texting Lore was 99% cringe, 1% normal, and 500% emotionally codependent. Like, entire Alkmaar 22/23 groupchat could be on fire, and those two would still be:

Jesper: “Just saw a cloud shaped like your forehead. Miss you.” Jens: “Baby what the hell. I just thought about u and you texted. Soulmate confirmed??”

Here’s the Breakdown of the Unhinged Jenjes Texting Style:

1. Ghosting? For Others. Immediate Replies? For Each Other.

  • Sam: “You haven’t replied in 4 days??”
  • Jesper: “Yeah but did you die tho?”
  • Tijjani: “The audacity is chronic.”

Meanwhile:

  • Jesper: takes 3 seconds to reply to Jens
  • Jens: “Oh. So you’re leaving me now?? Wow. Just say you hate me.”

2. Jens’ Spiraling Was a Whole Season on Netflix

  • Jens: “You didn’t see my meme?? You always laugh at my memes. Have I lost my spark??” “If you left your phone in the locker room and died, how would I know???”

  • Jesper (20 mins later): “I was in the shower.”

  • Jens: “Oh okay nvm. Wanna move in together?”

3. Jesper’s Texting Voice: Cringe Baby Filter On

  • Turned off notifications for literally everyone except Jens.
  • If Jens texted “hi”, Jesper replied with: “hi babyyyyuhhhh i missed u so much my lil vikingggg did u drink water??”
  • Also Jesper: Left Sven on read for 3 weeks.

4. The Others Were OVER IT

  • Milos: “I asked if y’all wanted to eat sushi and no one replied except Jens who said ‘jesper doesn’t like sushi’ like THAT’S A REPLY??”
  • Sven: “I literally sent my location because I was lost and Jesper just liked it and never showed up.”
  • Yuki: “me and jesper. don’t text. we connect by aura. like bluetooth.”

AND THEN YOU HAD ANNA. Jens’ big sister? The only person who dragged him like no one else.

  • Anna: “Texting you feels like emailing a rock. No punctuation. No warmth. Just ‘ok.’”
  • Jens (grinning like a fool): “That’s because I save all the good stuff for Jesper. He gets my vowels.”

AND OH GOD THEIR TRANSCRIPT HISTORY??

  • Jens: “I love you. I think about you when I see dogs.”
  • Jesper: “Do you think we’d be soulmates in every universe or only this one?”
  • Jens: “Stop or I’ll cry in Sven’s laundry basket again.”

Meanwhile, groupchat:

  • Tijjani: “Y’all are getting blocked.”
  • Sam: “Can someone please answer if we’re going out tonight.”
  • Jesper (to Jens): “if we drink tonight and you throw up again, i’m putting glitter in your shampoo.”

OH MY GOD YES—THE DIFFERENCE WAS SO VIOLENT IT GAVE WHIPLASH. The way Jesper and Jens each texted other people vs. how they texted each other was like watching two secret cult members drop their normal human disguise.

JESPER’S TEXTING STYLE TO EVERYONE ELSE:

  • Tone: Dry. Borderline sarcastic. Emotionally unavailable.
  • Frequency: Rare. Mysterious. Might as well send messages through smoke signals.

  • Typical texts:

  • “K.”

  • “Idk. Ask someone else.”
  • “Can’t. Bye.”
  • [likes your message instead of answering]
  • [opens your voice note and never replies]

Sam: “Bro you okay?” Jesper: “Are any of us?”

Sven: “Can you bring my charger?” Jesper: “No. But I believe in you.”

Milos: “Where are you??” Jesper: [sends selfie with zero context, no text]

JESPER TO JENS:

  • Tone: Unhinged baby talk with bursts of Shakespearean-level devotion.
  • Frequency: Every 0.6 seconds. All day. Literally all day.

  • Typical texts:

  • “bbyyyyyyyyyyyyyy where r uuuu”

  • “just saw a dog. cried. miss u.”
  • “hi baby my one and only sugar man viking prince of denmark u saw my story but didn’t say ily so do u hate me???”
  • “i love you like the moon loves the tide. also can we get boba?”

Jesper: “turn on ur location pls i need to know if u safe or clubbing without me”

Jesper: “u didn’t use a heart emoji. is this the end.”

JENS TO EVERYONE ELSE:

  • Tone: Caveman. Minimalist. Emotionally stunted (but not on purpose).
  • Frequency: Rare. Cold. Could be a bot.

  • Typical texts:

  • “ok”

  • “no”
  • “5 mins”
  • [reacts with thumbs up, nothing else]
  • “…”

Anna (his sister): “look at this cute picture of the dog!” Jens: “ok” Anna: “YOU HAVE A PROBLEM”

Tijjani: “Bro where are you” Jens: “home” (he was not home)

JENS TO JESPER:

  • Tone: 200% more words. Heartfelt. Desperate. Domestic. Parental. Feral.
  • Frequency: Constant. Jens could literally be on the pitch mid-game and still text “miss u bby” on his Apple Watch.

  • Typical texts:

  • “my angel u okay???”

  • “drink water baby or i’ll come to the kitchen myself”
  • “u didn’t reply for 3 minutes and now i think u moved on”
  • “i wanna marry u and buy u a toaster for ur apartment”

Jens: “u okay? u didn’t put a smiley in ur message. that means u sad right. be honest. should i come over. do u want a snack. or a war.”

Jens: “jesper. say ‘ily’ back. or i’m fighting milos.”

THE OTHERS KNEW.

  • Yuki: “why jens text us like fridge manual but jesper like 13 y.o. girl diary.”
  • Sam: “you text me ‘ok’ and then send jens a whole fanfic in the same minute??”
  • Sven: “they’re not real people. they’re fanfiction.”

OH YOU’RE SO RIGHT—prepare to witness the digital whiplash of Jens and Jesper being texting menaces in Alkmaar 22/23, complete with comparisons that had their teammates ready to file psychological damage claims.

EXHIBIT A: Jens Texting the Groupchat vs. Jens Texting Jesper

Groupchat: “bubblybois™️”

Sven: “Yo what time’s dinner?” Sam: “Anyone wanna eat out? I’m starving.” Milos: “Me broke but me go.” Tijjani: “Yuki?” Yuki: “Me bring rice. You bring manners.” Jens: → “idk” → “don’t care” → [no punctuation] → [seen at 17:03. no reply ever again]

Sam: “Jens you literally live here. Say something.” Jens: “u eat too much” Jesper (1 second later): “HI BABY I’M HUNGRY WHAT WE EAT”

Private Chat: Jens & Jesper

Jesper: “babe i woke up and no good morning from u?? u still love me or??” Jens: → “oh my god i love u so much i was literally looking at the moon and thinking of u” → “i dreamt u choked on boba and i woke up crying. pls don’t ever die.” → “sending u morning forehead kisses through bluetooth rn” → “pls drink water or i’ll come to ur flat and force it down ur throat (lovingly)”

Jesper: “u make me feel like a flower” Jens: “u are the flower. i am the dirt. grow on me.”

EXHIBIT B: Jesper Texting the Groupchat vs. Jesper Texting Jens

Groupchat: “bubblybois™️”

Sam: “Jesper, wanna come play Mario Kart?” Milos: “bro answer” Sven: “are u alive??” Yuki: “he ghost again. pretend he no exist.” Jesper (after 8 hours): → “nah” → “busy” → [sends meme without replying to question]

Tijjani: “Bro you literally opened it 7 hours ago.” Jesper: “so?”

Private Chat: Jesper & Jens

Jesper: → “baby look at my lunch it’s not the same without u” → “i wore the hoodie that smells like u and nearly cried in public” → “u didn’t like my insta post do u still want this relationship” → “i accidentally kicked a squirrel and thought of u. love.” → “also ur voice note is now my alarm i miss u i miss u i miss u”

Jesper: “where r u. i felt a disturbance in the force. are u sad.” Jens: “no. just not near u.” Jesper: “u want me to cry or what”

EXHIBIT C: The Team Noticing the Disparity

Sam: “i texted jens ‘i miss u’ once and he replied ‘wtf’.” Tijjani: “bro he sent me a map pin instead of a yes or no.” Sven: “jesper left me on read for 2 weeks and then liked my message.” Milos: “they talk to each other like 15-year-old girls on Tumblr and the rest of us get war crime energy.” Yuki: “me ask jens for rice. no reply. jesper ask ‘miss me?’ and jens reply 300 words.” Anna (Jens’ sister): “He texts me ‘ok’ when I say I miss him but he texts his boyfriend like a Disney prince having a breakdown.”

Bonus: Jens Trying to Play It Cool

Jens in public: “yeah idk we chill” Jens at 3am: → “jesper wake up ur moon boy needs love pls i’m outside with flowers and trauma”

THE YEAR IS 2022. THE PLACE IS ALKMAAR, NL. SEVEN MEN. ONE GROUPCHAT. ZERO SURVIVORS.

Welcome to: 📱**"Bubbly Boys™ GC: #WEEKNIGHTDELULUS"** (A social experiment? A Greek tragedy? A glitch in the matrix? No one knows.)

🥋 Choose Your Fighter:

  • Yukinari "Hokage" Sugawara Zen vibes, morally superior, spiritually older than Earth itself. Grammar? Dead. Soul? Untouchable. Once sent “me will protect leaf. and also you” after Sven got a yellow card. ✅ Your pick. Unbeatable. Wise. Will ghost the group for 5 days and come back with “lol me shower.”

☕ Groupchat Lore: S1E1 - THE VOMIT HARD LAUNCH

Jens:

baby i think we should just tell them Jesper: then do it jensie Jens: okay 😳 @everyone i love jesper 😍💞 Jesper: he threw up on my shoes now we’re boyfriends ❤️

Milos:

WTF

Sam:

bro what in the toddler behaviour Sam: also congrats i guess. hope he never pukes in your mouth

Tijjani:

not y’all acting like this is cute when he nearly DIED last party anyway. i want a divorce @sam Sam: again??? damn get a lawyer this time

Sven:

this is so beautiful 🥺 i’m baking cinnamon rolls Jesper: cinnamon rolls make him throw up 🧍

Yuki:

me in ramen rn Yuki: no talking. me upset

🎭 Groupchat Lore: S1E3 - MILOS GETS BANNED

Milos:

accidentally rode my bike into the canal again Jesper: you’re going back to jail Yuki: me told police already Milos: BRO

🐾 Groupchat Lore: S1E4 - JENS AND JESPER’S GROSS PDA

Jesper:

jensie gave me his hoodie and it smells like soap and tummy problems 🥰 Jens: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Sven: guys i’m literally RIGHT here Sam: fr go text in private this is not couples therapy Yuki: me blind now. thank.

🎤 Special Episode: “Game Night Was a Mistake”

  • Yuki: Silent but wins every round of charades.
  • Tijjani: Brings wine. Refuses to explain the rules. Makes them up as he goes.
  • Sam: Gets competitive and flips the table.
  • Jesper: Crawls under the couch halfway through.
  • Jens: Cried when Jesper guessed “soulmate” during Pictionary.
  • Milos: Tried to fight the UNO deck.
  • Sven: Brought snacks and kept score. The only adult.

📢 SEASON CLIFFHANGER:

Jens gets sick again. Jesper bites someone. Sven bakes under stress. Sam and Tijjani “break up” again. Yuki types: “me peace out.” Milos disappears with the team van.

LET’S GO 😤💥 Top 10 Times Yuki Shattered CIA Firewalls with His Texting and the Bubbly Boys Still Understood Instantly (while every intelligence agency cried in the corner with a Google Translate tab open)

1. “The Fire Alarm Incident” 🔥🚨

Yuki’s Text:

“milos too much toast bread fire come. me: 😶 alarm say wee woo 🚒. tij: gone. me: save juice bottle.”

Interpreted by outsiders:

Someone had toast, now there’s a fire, and he saved… a juice bottle???

Boys’ translation:

“Milos burned toast. Fire alarm went off. Tijjani ran away. I heroically saved the juice.”

2. “Missing Socks Crisis” 🧦💔

Yuki’s Text:

“sam wash sock. sock no more. me only one sock. why sam. 😢”

FBI profile notes:

Distress over clothing. Possibly hostage situation?

Bubbly Boys understood:

“Sam did laundry and lost one of Yuki’s socks. Yuki’s heartbroken.”

Jesper’s reply:

“Don’t worry bro I’ll steal one from Jens.”

3. “The Jesper Existential Crisis” 😵‍💫🧃

Yuki’s Text:

“jesper drink juice. then stare wall. say ‘am i still rat if jens no love?’”

CIA briefing:

Suspected code language involving animal metaphors and juice. Possible betrayal.

The Boys:

“Jesper’s spiraling again. Someone please hug him.”

4. “Milos’ Bed Destroyed” 🛏️💥

Yuki’s Text:

“milo jump bed. bed go oof. now ground sleep. me: 😐 call ikea??”

Interpol report:

Attack on furniture. Possible sabotage.

Boys’ version:

“Milos jumped on his bed. It broke. He’s now sleeping on the floor. Yuki wants to call IKEA.”

Yuki’s Text:

“cookie for me. tij eat. say ‘me hungry’. me cry. betrayal.”

NSA confusion:

‘Tij’ may be code name. Betrayal implies a deeper operation.

The boys:

“Tijjani ate Yuki’s cookie. Yuki’s feelings are extremely hurt.”

6. “Jesper Gets Sick (Again)” 🤧❤️

Yuki’s Text:

“rat boy go cough. me say mask. he say ‘no kiss?’. me: 😵‍💫. jens: murder eyes.”

Korean NIS thought:

Potential biological threat. Unclear if “rat boy” is hostile.

Boys’ accurate reading:

“Jesper’s sick and still asking for kisses. Jens is this close to flipping.”

7. “The Disappearing Shampoo Scandal” 🧴🕵️

Yuki’s Text:

“my hair thing gone. jens say no. sven no. milos run. guilty?? 😠🛁”

MI6 struggled:

Hair product missing, potential theft?

Boys nailed it:

“Yuki’s shampoo went missing. Milos suspiciously ran. Case closed.”

8. “Sam’s Fancy Dinner Meltdown” 🍽️💅

Yuki’s Text:

“sam dress like money. say ‘vibe’. food no good. he sad. me pat.”

BND (Germany):

Wealth, fashion, food poisoning???

Boys got it:

“Sam dressed up for a fancy dinner. It sucked. He was disappointed. Yuki comforted him.”

9. “Sven’s Existential Pancake Crisis” 🥞🧠

Yuki’s Text:

“sven say ‘if pancake is round why life not easy?’ then make 30. me sleepy.”

French DGSE’s take:

Philosophical espionage?

Boys’ reply:

“Sven made pancakes while having a late night breakdown. Yuki watched silently.”

10. “The Real Vibe Check” 🌧️🛏️🧸

Yuki’s Text:

“rain come. no sun. jesper sad. jens hold. sam tea. me blanket. group hug. milos fart.”

Global decoding efforts failed.

Boys responded in under 3 seconds:

“Jesper was down. Jens cuddled him. Sam made tea. Yuki brought blankets. Milos ruined it.”

CONCLUSION: Yuki didn’t just text. He encrypted emotion, chaos, betrayal, weather reports, and food crimes into cryptic runes that only the true brotherhood of the Bubbly Boys could read with perfect clarity.

Others tried. Others failed. But the boys? They were fluent in Yuki. 💙

.

NO BECAUSE THIS IS EXACTLY THE ENERGY 💀💀💀 the 98’ Triangle™ ft. Milos invented telepathy with poor execution. Their entire communication system is just: ghost for 17 hours ➡️ send a cursed 20-second call ➡️ disappear again like nothing happened. Not a care in the world. Not a single follow-up text.

Let’s break them ALL down by duo because I’m foaming at the mouth:

📱 THE GHOSTING DUOS (aka 98 Triangle ft. their feral child)

🐀 Jesper & Tijjani

  • Jesper always calls like someone’s been murdered. But it’s just because he wants to gossip or can’t find his charger.
  • Tijjani answers with, “Who died.”
  • Jesper: “I’m at Jens’ place.”
  • Tijjani: “So why tf are you calling me.”
  • Jesper: “I forgot what Jens looked like 2 hours ago. Needed a buffer.”
  • Tijjani: “Don’t get herpes.”
  • Jesper: “You already said that last time.”
  • Call length: 18 seconds.

👑 Sam & Milos

  • These two talk in pure low-effort king energy. Like they vibe through ESP, not language.
  • Sam: “Where.”
  • Milos: “Showering at the hub.”
  • Sam: “U alone?”
  • Milos: “With someone’s loofah.”
  • Sam: “Cringe. Ok bye.”
  • Milos: “Bye.”
  • Call length: 19 seconds. No tone. No inflection. Mutual respect.

💅 Jesper & Sam

  • Jesper only calls when he’s already halfway into drama.
  • Sam: “Where u at.”
  • Jesper: “I’m on Jens’ chest. Breathing. What about u?”
  • Sam: “Tij’s lap. He’s threatening me with a fork.”
  • Jesper: “Ok love u bye bitch.”
  • Call length: 21 seconds. Feels like 3. No context ever provided.

🧨 Milos & Jesper

  • Their calls always include one insult, one lie, and one compliment.
  • Milos: “U look ugly today.”
  • Jesper: “I haven’t posted anything.”
  • Milos: “Exactly.”
  • Jesper: “I love you.”
  • Milos: “Bye.”
  • Call length: 17 seconds and a half. Why? Because Jesper hit “end” dramatically.

🔫 Milos & Tijjani

  • They threaten each other for fun. But if someone else does it, they will team up like mafiosos.
  • Milos: “U dead?”
  • Tijjani: “Almost. Ate Sven’s leftovers.”
  • Milos: “Deserved.”
  • Tijjani: “Love u.”
  • Milos: “Shut up.”
  • Call length: 22 seconds. Dangerous but affectionate.

☯️ THE SOULMATE DUOS: WHERE EMOTIONAL REGULATION LIVES

🌸 Sam & Tijjani

  • The most codependent and married of all of them.

  • If one disappears for more than 40 minutes, the other starts composing breakup texts like:

  • “You could’ve died and I would never know. That’s cool. That’s fine.”

  • Sam shares every meme, every thought, every outfit update.
  • Tijjani sends mirror selfies with captions like: “Apologize to me for earlier” even though Sam didn’t do anything.
  • They don’t need to call. They’re in constant communication via brainchip™.

  • But when they DO call? It’s 47 minutes long and includes:

  • outfit opinions

  • emotional check-ins
  • “what do u think Jesper meant when he said ‘ok’ with a dot?”
  • and one minor argument about kombucha brands

🍵 Yuki & Sven

  • The softest, most grounding pairing in the group. While the others are running around like unmedicated chaos goblins, Yuki and Sven are:

  • watering plants

  • folding laundry together in silence
  • watching Studio Ghibli with matching mugs
  • Sven: “Did you eat today?”
  • Yuki: “No. But me eat later. You good?”
  • Sven: “Yeah. Want to walk to the bakery?”
  • Yuki: “Okay. Me bring bag.”
  • NO DRAMA. NO CHAOS. Just pure wholesome energy and a love language made of errands and shared air.
  • Yuki disappears for international duty? Sven sends him weather updates like: “Rainy in Aichi today. Stay warm. ❤️”
  • Yuki replies in five hours with “ok. me wear raincoat. miss you.”
  • Sven screenshots it and sets it as his lock screen.

🧃CONCLUSION:

The 98ers (+ feral child Milos): ghost, insult, love each other violently but efficiently. They thrive on chaos and minimal effort with maximum loyalty. If one of them is in trouble, the others will drop everything—but also bully them about it.

Sam & Tijjani / Sven & Yuki: they are the stability. The text-back-immediately duo. The “I noticed you’re sad even though you didn’t say anything” energy. The real ride-or-dies who don’t need to prove it with 3AM calls because they were already on FaceTime all day.

NO BECAUSE THIS IS THE GREATEST NETWORK OF DERANGED SOULMATES I’VE EVER SEEN 😭😭

The Alkmaar 22/23 Call Web™ is so intricately unhinged like—you will not hear from each other for 15 hours and then suddenly a call comes through like:

📞 Incoming call: Jesper "Where are you, bitch." "Showering." "Jensie baby say hi to Milos." Jens: "Hey bro." "Ok. Love you bye."

18 seconds. Not a single extra syllable. Jesper hangs up.

Let’s go all in with MORE of these 17–22 second masterpieces of anti-communication, ft. various configurations of emotional dysfunction:

📱 1. Jesper → Sam

Jesper, 9:44PM, phone on speaker: Jesper: “What are you doing bitch.” Sam: “With T. Eating chips.” Jesper: “Jensie baby say hi to Sam.” Jens, in the background, voice muffled like he’s under a blanket: “Hi Sam, tell Tij to shut up.” Sam: “Okay love u bye.” Jesper: “Bye bitch.” Duration: 19 seconds. Purpose: Unknown.

📱 2. Sam → Milos

Sam, walking down the frozen foods aisle, no greeting: Sam: “Do you want anything from the store.” Milos (still loading): “Wait what sto—” Sam hangs up. Milos receives a picture 10 minutes later of two bubble teas with no caption. Duration: 12 seconds. Iconic.

📱 3. Tijjani → Milos

(always at a cursed time)

Tijjani: “What are you doing.” Milos: “Uh. Naked. Hub shower.” Tijjani: “Cool. Jens is annoying me. What’s your beef with him.” Milos: “He stole my towel once.” Tijjani: “Understandable. Bye.” Duration: 22 seconds. Therapeutic.

📱 4. Sam or Milos → Jesper (re: Jens)

Sam: “Can you tell your man to stop ignoring texts or smash his phone with a brick.” Jesper: “He’s napping on my chest, shut up.” Sam: “Okay. Bye.” Jesper sends a selfie of sleeping Jens as retaliation. Duration: 17 seconds. Passive-aggressive. Beautiful.

📱 5. Jesper → Milos

Jesper calls out of nowhere. No intro. Jesper: “Do you think I could win a fight with a goose.” Milos: “How many?” Jesper: “Like four.” Milos: “Maybe.” Jesper: “Okay love you bye.” Duration: 16 seconds. Nothing productive was said. Everything was healed.

📱 6. Sven → Yuki

Soft jazz in the background. Sven: “Hi.” Yuki: “Hi.” [pause. gentle breathing] Sven: “I saw a bird today.” Yuki: “Me too. Maybe same bird.” Sven: “Maybe.” Duration: 26 seconds. Emotional soul touch achieved.

📱 7. Sam & Tijjani: exception to the rule

They don’t call. They live in each other’s phones.

  • T sends a selfie every hour with a caption like “rate me 1-10”
  • Sam replies “4. outfit’s slay tho.”
  • Tiji sends back 🖕 and a pic of Sam's stolen sock
  • If they go two hours without texting, Sam sends “do u hate me or r u in a coma”
  • T replies: “Coma. Miss u.”

When they do call, it’s for one of three reasons:

  1. outfit emergency
  2. petty gossip
  3. “can u tell Jesper to stop subtweeting me in the groupchat”

Call duration? 46 minutes minimum.

🧃 EXTRAS: RANDOM CHAOTIC DETAILS YOU 100% KNOW HAPPENED

  • Jesper never wears AirPods. Always puts calls on speaker. Always says "baby say hi to—" like he’s on a reality show.
  • Milos has never said “thank you” on a call. Sam doesn't expect him to.
  • Jens never calls. He just hands the phone to Jesper and says “Tell them I said hi.”
  • Yuki and Sven have a time every night to FaceTime and “breathe.” Jesper found out once and tried to join. They hung up on him.
  • Tijjani once called Milos three times in a row just to say “Can u Venmo me €4.50 for the iced matcha u didn’t finish.”
  • Jesper once called Sam during a team meeting. Sam answered. Jesper: “I miss you.” Sam: “Same. Can’t talk. Coach’s yelling.” Jesper: “Okay love u bye bitch.”

YES YES YESSSSS EXACTLY THIS 🧎‍♀️😭💖

The 17-second Call System™ is the most dysfunctional yet deeply reliable method of checking on your feral besties the world has ever seen. It’s not about staying in touch. It’s about sensing, deep in your soul, that your idiot friend hasn’t texted in 14 hours and might be in a ditch or with their ex (same level of danger), so you pop in for 17 seconds, confirm they’re alive, and then vanish again.

Let’s run a full list of Greatest Hits of 17-Second Calls, ft. the whole crew:

📞 Jesper → Milos

11:59 PM. No contact since breakfast.

Jesper: “Where are you.” Milos: “On the roof.” Jesper: “...Why.” Milos: “Dunno. Felt right.” Jesper: “Okay don’t fall. Jensie baby say hi to Milos.” Jens, barely audible, sounds like he’s halfway through a workout or something unholy: “Milos sup.” Jesper: “Okay love u bye.” Call length: 18 seconds. Purpose: Check-in & chaos.

📞 Sam → Jesper (trying to reach Jens)

Jesper answers on speakerphone like it’s a podcast.

Sam: “Tell Jens his phone’s useless and I hope he chokes on it.” Jesper: “He can’t talk. He’s literally choking on m—” Sam: “Bye bitch.” Jesper: “Love u.” Call length: 17 seconds. Sam sends Jens a Venmo request titled "phone tax."

📞 Tijjani → Milos

Milos hasn't been heard from since morning training where he drank protein powder dry.

Tijjani: “You dead.” Milos: “Not yet.” Tijjani: “Do u want to be?” Milos: “I’m gaming.” Tijjani: “Of course u are. Bye.” Call length: 16 seconds. Brotherly hate language.

📞 Jesper → Sam

Jesper, sprawled across Jens like a sunbathing cat.

Jesper: “Hey what u doing bitch.” Sam: “Eating cereal on Tij's lap.” Jesper: “Jensie baby say hi to Sam.” Jens, absolutely half-asleep: “Hi Sam.” Sam: “Hope he’s hydrated. Bye.” Jesper: “Ok love u bye bitch.” Call length: 21 seconds. Domestic horrorcore.

📞 Milos → Jesper

0 messages in the group chat. Milos is checking for signs of life.

Milos: “Are you alive.” Jesper: “Barely. Jensie suffocated me in his sleep.” Milos: “Nice. K bye.” Jesper: “Tell Sam to Venmo me.” Call length: 17 seconds. Perfect communication.

📞 Sam → Milos

10PM. Last seen: training room, 9:13AM

Sam: “Need anything from 7/11.” Milos: “Yeah—” Sam hangs up before he finishes. 10 mins later, he drops off a bag with just hot Cheetos and cold green tea. No words. Call length: 12 seconds. Milos sends a 👍 emoji and says “ily” in Morse code (aka three Snap replies in a row).

📞 Sven → Yuki

Completely unrelated to any chaos. Just love.

Sven: “Hi.” Yuki: “Hi.” [gentle silence. maybe one breath syncs] Sven: “Did you eat?” Yuki: “Me eating now.” Sven: “Okay. Miss you.” Yuki: “Me too.” Call length: 26 seconds. Heaven on earth. Jesper tried to eavesdrop and got blocked.

📞 Milos → Sam

Milos is slightly panicked but pretending he's not.

Milos: “Hey u heard from Jesper?” Sam: “No. He’s probably in Jens.” Milos: “K ew. Just checking.” Sam: “I’ll text him 'die' and see if he replies.” Milos: “Cool.” Call length: 20 seconds. Response method: disrespect and devotion.

📞 Jesper → Tijjani

Jesper: “Hey where r u bitch.” Tijjani: “Sleeping.” Jesper: “Jensie say hi to Tij.” Jens, breathing heavily: “hey bro” Tijjani: “Okay hope u both rot.” Jesper: “Love uuuu.” Call length: 18 seconds. Tij texts Sam after like “they’re at it again.”

📞 Group patterns:

  • Calls are always less than 30 seconds, never scheduled, and utterly pointless but also life-saving.
  • Purpose is never explained. You’re just expected to say where you are, hear a raspy Jens “hello,” and hang up.
  • Yuki and Sven are the only ones who don’t hang up. They let the silence sit like a candle on the table.
  • Sam and Tijjani have a 24/7 line open. If they call each other, it's either a declaration of war or a mirror selfie request. Possibly both.

EXACTLY. no one ever missed a call. it was an unspoken law of the bubbly boy constitution: if one of us calls, we answer—even if we're being arrested, being railed, or being reincarnated. 🫡

THE SACRED 17-SECOND CALL ARCHIVE — BUBBLY BOY EDITION:

📞 Jesper → Sam

Jesper: where are you bitch Sam: spa. alone. Jesper: why alone Sam: tij’s getting facial at home Jesper: gay Sam: ur literally with jens Jesper: he's inside me say hi Jens (faint, strained): hi sam Sam: ok love u bye bitch Jesper: love u bye

Duration: 18s

📞 Milos → Tijjani

Milos: where Tijjani: in the tub. you? Milos: rooftop. got fireworks. Tijjani: don't die Milos: no promises Tijjani: alright ttyl

Duration: 15s

📞 Sam → Milos

Sam: need pads or no Milos: get red bull and those chili nuts Sam: bye Milos: thx— call ends

Duration: 14s. milos was in the sauna with no shirt and two phones.

📞 Tijjani → Jesper

Tijjani: where Jesper: couch. inside jens Tijjani: again?? Jesper: say hi baby Jens (out of breath): hey tij Tijjani: bye sluts Jesper: mwah

Duration: 17s. Background noise: Euphoria soundtrack

📞 Milos → Sam

Milos: what are we eating Sam: sushi. picking up now Milos: ur rich Sam: ur poorer Milos: love u Sam: bye poor

Duration: 16s. Sam was double parked.

📞 Yuki → Sven

Yuki: hello husband Sven: hey angel ...they breathe into the phone together for 9 seconds... Yuki: good night Sven: night love u Yuki: love u too

Duration: 21s. both were in bed in full pajamas, candle lit.

📞 Sam → Jesper (because Jens isn’t answering)

Sam: bitch where’s kens Jesper: inside me Jens (muffled): i can’t find my phone Sam: tell that dumbass to check his cleats again Jesper: will do. he loves u Sam: i know

Duration: 19s. Jens later found the phone in the freezer.

📞 Jesper → Milos

Jesper: you wanna come die at mine Milos: i just set the curtains on fire gimme 10 Jesper: classic. ok Milos: u got snacks Jesper: jens bought 3 pizzas Milos: say less

Duration: 17s. the fire was still going.

and this entire system somehow... worked. no long catch-ups. no unnecessary convos. just a chaotic but consistent rhythm. and the one time a call wasn’t picked up? groupchat emergency. sam texted “milos not picking up. is he dead or just on top of a train again”

OH YOU WANT MORE??? baby. i am the official call log archivist of Alkmaar 22/23. buckle in.

these people would flip each other off in the gym at 11:25am like “ok fuck you bye slut” and then not see each other again till the next day. but without fail, by 11:59pm that night… THE 17-SECOND CHECK-IN™️ HITS.

🔥 OFFICIAL ALKMAAR 22/23 NIGHTLY PHONE CALLS PT. 2 🔥

(aka: they're deranged but they care)

📞 Sam → Jesper

Sam: bitch Jesper: slut Sam: u still alive Jesper: barely. jens is recovering from leg day Sam: did he cry Jesper: like a baby. say hi babe Jens (sniffling): hi sam Sam: tell him to drink water. bye Jesper: love u

Duration: 18s. Sam was literally in a bathtub w/ his iPad watching Real Housewives.

📞 Milos → Yuki

Milos: i think i’m gonna jump into the lake Yuki: why Milos: because i’m bored Yuki: water cold. u sick Milos: i’ll wear shoes Yuki: don’t die. good night Milos: gn yuki

Duration: 17s. milos was already waist-deep

📞 Tijjani → Jens (via Jesper, obviously)

Jesper: hey slut it’s for you Jens: hello??? Tijjani: where tf is your phone Jens: lost. again Jesper: it’s in the freezer again Tijjani: you’re stupid. good night Jens: love u too bro Jesper: mwah

Duration: 20s. jens didn’t even notice he was on speaker.

📞 Sven → Milos

Sven: are you okay Milos: define okay Sven: are you bleeding Milos: no Sven: are you arrested Milos: not yet Sven: ok. good night Milos: night bro

Duration: 16s. Sven was in bed. Milos was on a rooftop.

📞 Yuki → Sam

Yuki: hi sam Sam: hey babe Yuki: eat dinner? Sam: half a croissant and revenge Yuki: ok. good Sam: u? Yuki: yes. sushi with sven Sam: wholesome king. gn yuki Yuki: night

Duration: 18s. Sam was texting Tijjani the whole time too.

📞 Jesper → Tijjani

Jesper: where tf are you Tijjani: my room. you? Jesper: his room Jens (incoherent): hiii tiji Tijjani: does he have a fever again Jesper: obviously. he’s leaking Tijjani: you’re gross Jesper: mwah

Duration: 17s. nobody asked for updates, but everyone gave them anyway.

📞 Sam → Milos

Sam: did u eat Milos: i drank a monster and chewed gum Sam: that’s not food Milos: ur mom’s not food Sam: ??? Milos: sorry. i’m sleepy Sam: love u idiot Milos: love u too bitch

Duration: 19s. Sam hung up mid-love.

📞 Yuki → Sven

Yuki: hi Sven: hey breathe together Yuki: i watered the plant Sven: thank you breathe together again Yuki: gn Sven: gn

Duration: 22s. background: quiet jazz and a cup of tea.

they saw each other 5 hours a day MAX and still acted like divorced lovers who had to check if the other one was still breathing 😭

this entire system is the emotional equivalent of "you up?" but platonically and with a sprinkle of insanity. every night. without fail. no missed calls. no unread messages. low maintenance, high commitment, zero normalcy.