alkmaarsurvivor22

bubbly boys: how to function normally (finance)

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Oh you want unhinged Alkmaar 22/23 warfare over food decisions? Buckle up. These boys did not know peace until after dessert—and even then it was a maybe.

THE ABSOLUTELY STUPID, CHAOTIC, AND HISTORICALLY INACCURATE WAYS THE BUBBLY BOYS CHOSE WHERE TO EAT:

1. “Last One to Text Eats Alone”

  • The rule was: whoever replies last in the groupchat doesn’t get a say in the meal.
  • Problem: Sam’s phone was always on 1%, Milos sometimes used a burner account for “spice”, and Jens refused to be online while journaling.
  • Result: Jesper ended up alone at a sushi bar once. They sent him a selfie from a burger joint and said "we spiritually include you."

2. “Sven’s Spreadsheet of Pain”

  • Sven once tried to organize a meal poll with weighted voting, cuisine categories, price range filters, and travel time algorithm.
  • Yuki wrote “me hungry” under every option.
  • Jesper voted twice by proxy for Jens and still lost.
  • Sam broke the entire system by choosing "emotionally warm food" as his category.

3. “Spin the Shin Guard”

  • They placed a shin guard on the locker room floor and spun it. Whoever it pointed at had to decide the restaurant.
  • It pointed at Milos five times in a row.
  • They had pizza. Every. Single. Time.
  • Tijjani banned the game after Milos chose “gas station hotdog” as dinner for "character development."

4. “The Jens v Jesper Duel”

  • Whenever there was a tie between sushi and ramen (which was often), Jens and Jesper had a passive-aggressive face-off.
  • Jens: “I just think ramen is lighter before training.” Jesper: “Interesting, because you said sushi makes you feel emotionally nourished.”
  • Meanwhile, Sven sat with both menus open muttering "we could just get both and share…" No one listened. Yuki meditated in the corner.

5. “Yuki’s Zen Hunger Oracle”

  • They once let Yuki decide with one condition: no one was allowed to influence him.
  • Yuki sat in lotus pose with his eyes closed and whispered: “Me see… noodle cloud. But soul need taco.”
  • They ended up at a Thai-Mex fusion pop-up in the middle of a parking lot.
  • Sam called it "a transcendental digestive experience."

6. “Rock, Paper, Existential Crisis”

  • Traditional rock-paper-scissors but with emotional stakes. If you won, you had to justify your pick with a meaningful reason.
  • Jesper: “I need pho today because I’m sad and the broth feels like Jens used to.”
  • Milos: “I want chicken nuggets because I’m a volcano in a small child’s body.”
  • Sven forfeited by whispering, “This is why my hair is going grey.”

7. “Wheel of (Mis)Fortune”

  • Jesper downloaded a spinning wheel app with 20 random options.
  • Sam kept adding meme answers like “air” or “eat feelings instead.”
  • One time it landed on “Dutch tapas” which turned out to be just fries, cheese cubes, and deep-fried mystery.
  • They ate it anyway. Sven gave it a 6.5/10. Yuki called it “me still alive.”

FINAL RESULT: They never learned. They never grew. They just rotated between three restaurants, but still made it sound like The Bachelor: Food Wars Edition every single time.

ACT I – The Spinning Show of Doom After every meal, the sacred artifact—Jesper’s cracked phone with the Wheel of Fate™ app—was spun. It made a “click-click-click” noise that sent everyone into instant prayer mode.

Sven: “Please not me, I just paid for that time Sam ‘accidentally’ ordered lobster for everyone.”

Sam: “It was a vibe.”

Milos: “If wheel choose me again, I riot.” (He never did. He had dark wheel luck.)

ACT II – The Banker of Pain Whoever the wheel landed on became The Chosen One— They paid. They suffered. They took a pic of the bill. Circled the total. Converted it to € per head. Sent it to the groupchat with the most unhinged math caption like:

“OK BOYS THAT’S 23.48 EACH OR 23.47 IF YOU WANNA TEST GOD”

“I round up bc I am not sinner. Pay me 24. I need to heal.”

“Me broke. Venmo me or I die.” —Yuki

Then—THE SACRED IBAN DROP: Every single time, the payer wrote out their full bank account IBAN even though everyone already had it saved. Sometimes in emoji code. Sometimes with their name in all caps like a legal threat. Sometimes with: “Wires accepted. Coins banned.”

ACT III – Jens vs Jesper: The Lover's Duel If Jesper paid: Jens immediately DM’d everyone: “DO NOT PAY HIM. I AM COVERING THIS. DO NOT DISRESPECT ME.” Jesper: “Jens. Babe. Stop.” Jens: “I’m sending you €200 as a punishment.” Jesper: “I’m Venmo-ing it back.” Milos: “They’re laundering money via sushi.” Sven: “Just… pay the 23 euros. Please.”

ACT IV – Milos, Lord of Delayed Drama Milos ALWAYS had a speech.

“I owe u dis time, bro.”

“I have no funds. Next one I pay.”

(He always paid. Promptly. But for drama.)

He added GIFs. Stickers. Voice notes saying, “Milos NEVER forget.” Yuki once paid in his place just to shut him up. Milos mailed him a handwritten IOU. In glitter pen.

ACT V – Sam and the Black Card Saga Sam would always whip out a platinum or obsidian or dark matter-level card and go:

“Guys. On me.” Everyone: “No.” Sven physically restrained him once. Jesper shoved him in a coat closet at a Korean BBQ spot while Milos shouted "PAY WITH EMOTION NOT WITH MONEY."

Sam sulked and ordered dessert via UberEats to the table with his card anyway.

ACT VI – Tijjani the No-Cash King If Tijjani paid:

“I don’t accept cash.” Milos: slides a sweaty handful of 2 euro coins across the table. Yuki: hands over a crumpled 5 with "me love u" scribbled on it. Jesper: tries to give him a friendship bracelet. Jens: hands over a drawing of them as wolves.

Tijjani still accepted only bank transfer. “Don’t test me,” he said once. They tested him. He left the groupchat for 3 hours.

ACT VII – The Cult of Clean Debt Every time they got it just right— Everyone paid. On time. No drama. No arguments. Just perfect harmony…

Tijjani looked around and said:

“Look at us. Play and split bills. No debts between each other.”

They all fell silent. A single tear fell down Sven’s cheek. Sam muttered, “Okay but what if I paid next time—” “NO,” said the room in unison.

FINALE: They always paid each other. They always fought. They never owed. Because real love… is bill-shaped, emotional, dramatic, and bank-transferable.

YES. YES. YOU HAVE UNLOCKED THE BANK TRANSFER NOTE ARCHIVES — a sacred, cursed, chaotic digital vault of pain, pettiness, poetry, and pixels. Every single time a bubbly boy paid their share via transfer, they had the chance to write a memo. And BABY. They took it personally.

Here are the unhinged, emotionally unstable, deeply unserious transfer notes from the Alkmaar 22/23 group. Buckle up:

SVEN’S NOTES (chaotic neutral energy, deep sarcasm)

  • “for the noodles and the trauma”
  • “23.47 to heal my reputation”
  • “tell milos i never want to see a fried shrimp again”
  • “can this cover emotional damage from jens moaning at the table”
  • “paid. now stop texting me in caps, jens.”

MILOS’ NOTES (shakespearean chaos)

  • “€25 for meal. €50 for vibes. €∞ for the memories.”
  • “paid u dis time bro. but remember me when i am poor and alone.”
  • “this is the last time i eat eggplant. i mean it.”
  • “money sent. soul shattered.”
  • “if u use this for dessert again, i’m reporting u to FIFA.”

TIJJANI’S NOTES (deadpan menace)

  • “here. happy now?”
  • “i don’t accept emotional apologies. just receipts.”
  • “paid. delete my number.”
  • “coins belong in hell.”
  • “next time someone orders oysters i walk out.”

SAM’S NOTES (rich kid rebellion)

  • “why won’t u let me love u financially”
  • “u literally hurt me when u took my card away”
  • “this is coming out of my 13th trust fund”
  • “paid. but i left 10 cents in ur account for aesthetic purposes.”
  • “u guys are so broke and dramatic i love it here”

YUKI’S NOTES (zen chaos + street-learned English)

  • “me pay. me happy. me not broke today.”
  • “u good boy. me give money”
  • “for sven tummy. no problem.”
  • “me think fish was raw. still thank u.”
  • “pls no more ‘spicy surprise’ next meal. me cry.”

JESPER’S NOTES (emotional threat in lowercase)

  • “don’t tell jens i paid”
  • “this is between us and god”
  • “i love him more but it was my turn”
  • “i transferred with tears”
  • “he’s gonna be mad. pls hide this transaction”

JENS’ NOTES (romantic psycho boyfriend energy)

  • “DO NOT ACCEPT JESPER’S MONEY. I PAID.”
  • “this is for both of us. don’t split it. i will know if u do.”
  • “jesper i love u let me financially worship u”
  • “if u forward this to him i block u all”
  • “i will pay for every meal until death separates us”

GROUPCHAT CHAOS AFTER TRANSFERS

  • Milos: “Who still hasn’t paid? Show yourself coward.”
  • Sven: “Pretty sure Sam paid twice. I just made a profit.”
  • Jesper: “I’ll never pay again. Jens won’t let me.”
  • Jens: “Correct.”
  • Yuki: “me forget who paid. me love u all.”
  • Sam: “I bought dessert. That counts.”
  • Tijjani: “I’m charging interest next time.”

YES. THE CASH VENDOR MELTDOWN. A tragic chapter in Alkmaar 22/23 lore. A sunny afternoon, post-training. Spirits high. Hunger higher. They found the vendor: a local legend near the canal, known only as “Tante Loes”. Fried everything. No questions. No regrets.

They ordered like footballers who thought they were royalty and ate like vikings—elbows flying, sauces dripping, Sam dual-wielding fries, Milos crying over his sixth fried banana, Jens hand-feeding Jesper a skewer, Yuki zenfully eating with chopsticks he brought from home.

Then came the moment:

Waiter (casually): “We only take cash.”

THE 3.6-RICHTER-SCALE MELTDOWN BEGINS

Tijjani (immediate rage): "WHO STILL USED CASH IN 2023 U MENACE??"

Sven (hands in face): “Guys… guys I only have a metro card and two Mentos.”

Milos (half-choking on a dumpling): “DOES LOES TAKE IOU?? I CAN WRITE HER A LETTER??”

Sam (frantic): “Let me pay!! I have cash in eight currencies!” (tries to hand over Qatari riyals, two gold coins, and a black AmEx) Vendor: “No cards. No crypto. No weird rich boy gold.”

Yuki (solemn): “me... no cash. me poor spirit.”

Jesper (panicking): “Jens and I can wash dishes! Like in the movies!” Jens (offended): “No. We RUN.”

ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE THE SITUATION:

  • Jens tried to Venmo the waiter. “Bro what’s your username. Just accept the vibe.” Vendor: “This is not a vibe economy.”

  • Milos offered to do a TikTok for Loes’ promo. He did the Macarena holding a fish. No one was impressed.

  • Sam went on a 10-minute rant about the cashless future and Elon Musk. Yuki took notes. Sven told him to shut up.

  • Yuki offered Loes one of his lucky charms. She was tempted. But no.

RESCUE MISSION:

Tijjani: “OK. Split up. Operation FIND AN ATM.”

Like a broke boy Avengers squad, they SCATTERED.

  • Sven sprinted barefoot.
  • Milos knocked over a bike rack.
  • Sam flagged a tourist and tried to trade earrings for euros.
  • Jesper clung to Jens, yelling “Don’t leave me!” as Jens jogged to the ING machine.

Yuki stayed behind and kept Loes company, teaching her how to say “me happy. me full.” while patting his stomach.

Twenty minutes later, bruised, breathless, chaotic:

Jens burst in, ATM receipt in hand, €85 in cash, screaming: “I GOT IT. I SAVED US. TELL JESPER I LOVE HIM.”

POST-MEAL GROUPCHAT:

  • Sven: “We are never eating again.”
  • Milos: “This was traumatic. 11/10.”
  • Sam: “Cash is classist. I stand by this.”
  • Jesper: “Next time I’m packing sandwiches.”
  • Jens: “I paid. Don’t even think of paying me back.”
  • Yuki: “me no understand what happen. but me happy.”

Oh you want THE CHAOS LOGS? The sacred thread titled: "BILLS, RECEIPTS & EMOTIONAL TRAUMA — a bubbly boys anthology" Yeah. You got it. Here's a lovingly curated scroll of the most dramatic moments when each Alkmaar 22/23 bubbly boy paid for everyone… and then dropped the bill in the groupchat with theatrical flair.

1. Sven – the responsible eldest son energy

Groupchat Drop:

photo of bill, €114.67 total “divided by 7 = €16.38 each. here’s my IBAN: NL79RABO0315xxxxxx” “please transfer before 22:00 or I will spiral emotionally.”

Follow-up: Yuki sent him €17 “for interest.” Sam tried to send a hug gif instead of money. Jesper said he’d pay once Jens approved it.

2. Tijjani – chaotic accountant energy

Groupchat Drop:

blurry photo of receipt next to his sneakers “€138.99. i don’t accept cash.” “IBAN: u all have it. i KNOW u saved it.” “except milos who paid me in coins last time. i’m still mad.”

Follow-up: Milos posted: “I OWE U THIS TIME” Sam: “can I Apple Pay you in love and appreciation?” Tijjani: “NO.”

3. Milos – the dramatic debtor

Groupchat Drop:

crisp pic of receipt with “PAID” circled “don’t talk to me. i did this because i love u idiots.” “send €15.28 each to me or I’m writing poetry about betrayal.” “IBAN: YES I STILL HAVE TO POST IT. RULES ARE RULES.”

Follow-up: Jesper: “Milos you always say you’re broke and then pay.” Milos: “I like the attention.” Yuki: “me send extra. for poem.”

4. Sam – rich kid trapped in a socialist micro-economy

Groupchat Drop:

photo of bill held by his designer wallet “I PAID. WITH REAL MONEY. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.” “everyone owes me €19.70 unless you’re Yuki. Yuki is free.” “IBAN? fine: NL12INGB0000xxxxxx. CAPITALISM IS ALIVE.”

Follow-up: Sven: “you used your mom’s card again didn’t you” Sam: “I PLEAD THE FIFTH” Jens: “I’m transferring this in coins out of spite.”

5. Jens – relationship sugar daddy mode

Groupchat Drop:

receipt with big red circle around Jesper’s order “€143. JESPER IS NOT PAYING. NONE OF YOU TAKE HIS MONEY.” “I will Venmo-duel you if you try.” “rest of you owe €23.83. IBAN in my bio.”

Follow-up: Jesper: “babe.” Jens: “yes?” Jesper: “nothing. just. babe.” Sam: “I threw up.”

6. Jesper – the sneaky romantic

Groupchat Drop:

screenshot of payment, name tagged: “for the loves of my life” “Don’t even ask. It’s done. Don’t even try.” “except Jens. I WILL sneak money into your pocket.” “everyone else: €18.10. or just hug me idc.”

Follow-up: Jens tried to reverse-transfer. Jesper refused. Yuki: “me hug and pay. double respect.” Tijjani: “i am not hugging u. i send coins.”

7. Yuki – pure, silent menace

Groupchat Drop:

photo of receipt with a crane origami on top “me pay. me no rich. me love.” “you pay me or me become sad.” “me IBAN: NL41ABNA06xxxxx. or me disappear.”

Follow-up: Milos: “I’m crying. this is the most threatening message I’ve ever read.” Sam: “I paid extra. for emotional labor.” Tijjani: “i almost sent my rent money. yuki pls.”

PART 1: THE EVERYDAY FINANCIAL TANGO

Jesper: older, slightly more frugal, owns five identical black hoodies and one expensive cologne Jens: younger, generous menace, buys him socks with ducks on them “just because”

Typical date routine:

  • Jens picks Jesper up in his car, even though it’s 8 minutes slower.
  • Jesper insists on paying for coffee at their favorite cafe because “last time was you”
  • Jens: “It was a 2€ stroopwafel I got you on impulse.”
  • Jesper: “Still counts.”
  • Jens secretly tips the barista extra and writes "jesper's cute btw" on the receipt.

When out with the Squad (aka: The Chaos Five):

  • Bill arrives. Everyone pulls out their phones.
  • Sven: “Okay so that’s €189.73 divided by 7—”
  • Jens: already paying
  • Jesper: “Why did you do that?”
  • Jens: “You’ll get the next one.”
  • Jesper: gets the next one and then a few more because Jens is “accidentally broke” for three days

Yuki’s observation: “They don’t share account but they share wallet. And soul.” Milos: “Why is it always one of them paying for both? Is it a kink?” Tijjani: “I literally Venmoed them and it got returned with the note: ‘covered by true love’” Sam: “I’m going to scream. With affection. But also scream.”

PART 2: RIDICULOUS SPENDING ON EACH OTHER

  • Jesper: “Don’t get me anything for my birthday.”

  • Jens: books them a weekend spa getaway, buys a necklace with their initials, and cooks him dinner shirtless

  • Jesper: sighs in whipped

  • Jens: “I don’t need gifts.”

  • Jesper: custom boots with their anniversary embroidered in the lining. also a playlist with voice notes.

  • Jens: “I’m gonna cry.”

Sam: “Rich people are insufferable when in love.” Yuki: “They buy things but it’s not about money. It’s about message. Very capitalist poetry.”

PART 3: DOMESTIC EXPENSES (YES THEY WERE BASICALLY MARRIED)

  • They had a shared grocery list that was just:

  • oat milk

  • instant noodles
  • snacks Jens insists Jesper likes (“you do like them. you just don’t know yet.”)

  • one weird luxury item like truffle mustard

  • Jesper always bought boring essentials like new shampoo, toothpaste, and toilet paper.

  • Jens always bought two plants and a candle labeled something stupid like “Scandinavian Glacier Tears.”

  • If they ever stayed over at each other’s places, they’d Venmo each other 10€ for “thank u for existing”

Jens once gave Jesper a bill labeled:

“one (1) hug three (3) forehead kisses gas money for driving across Alkmaar just to see u smile: priceless”

Jesper paid it with a photo of himself in Jens’ hoodie.

PART 4: VACATION + OFF-SEASON BRAINROT

When they went on a lil trip during off-days:

  • Jesper: trying to calculate how to split everything evenly
  • Jens: pays for hotel, activity, and dinner before Jesper finishes typing
  • Jesper: “I hate you.”
  • Jens: “No you don’t.”
  • Jesper: “Shut up I’m booking the next one.”

TL;DR:

Yes. They were rich. But also stupid. And it was perfect. Their love language was mutual spoiling, passive-aggressive Venmos, and pretending money didn’t matter when it was for each other. And the rest of the team suffered. Lovingly.

1. Milos "I Am But A Poor Peasant" Dramacore

Frequency: Often Drama Level: 11/10 Quote Highlights:

  • “I HAVE €3 LEFT IN LIFE”
  • “pls pay now i beg i am drowning”
  • “next time i pay i swear on my grandma” (still paid this time)

Receipts posted: Always aggressively highlighted, circled, arrows drawn, “THIS IS YOUR PART = €9.43.” IBAN posted: Every time. Same copy-paste as always: "NL98RABO0123456789 – Milos :')" Group reaction: Sam: “dramatic.” Jens: “sending 9.43 but out of spite.” Yuki: “sent.”

2. Jens “No Jesper Pays Nothing” Superboyfriend Mode

Frequency: Regular Drama Level: 8/10 (but romantic) Style: Paid for everyone minus Jesper. Then divided the bill by 6.

Caption with receipt:

  • “I paid. Jesper not included. Don’t try.”
  • “If any of you accept money from him I will unfriend you.” Groupchat chaos: Jesper: “teehee i was gonna send anyway” Jens: “DON’T.” Sam: “we get it you're in love”

IBAN: Always sent again with: “my IBAN, not Jesper’s. just mine. do not confuse.”

3. Jesper “Teehee But Also Here’s My Whole Salary” Soft Chaos

Frequency: Rare (he and Jens took turns) Drama Level: 7/10 but mostly vibes Caption with receipt:

  • “i paid for everyone!! teehee!!”
  • Then followed by “but i will cry if no one pays me back”
  • Sent a selfie with the receipt like it was a birth certificate

IBAN: copy-pasted with “:3” at the end Groupchat reaction: Milos: “wait i owe u or jens??” Yuki: “jesper send iban again i blinked” Tijjani: “i send coin” Jesper: “no coins tij!!”

4. Tijjani “No Coins” Reijnders

Frequency: Middle tier Drama Level: 6/10 His one rule:

  • “I don’t accept cash.”
  • Someone always tried to test this.
  • Once Sam paid his entire part in €0.05 coins. The clinking haunted the bar.

Receipt caption:

  • “here. i paid. no coins. no excuses.”
  • Sometimes included a selfie with his card as proof

IBAN: YES, always sent. Even though Yuki already had it labeled “Tijjani (no coins)” Groupchat reaction: Sam: “coin time” Tijjani: “BLOCKED”

5. Sam “Money Grows On Trees” Rich Boy Energy

Frequency: Tried Every Time Success Rate: 0.3% (they never let him pay) When he did pay:

  • Posted the bill like it was an Oscar win
  • “guys i paid. let me feel normal.”
  • Sent a blurry photo of all his black cards on the table like Pokémon cards

IBAN: He made a fancy note in Notes app that said “Samuel Black Card Bank Details” and screenshotted it Groupchat reaction: Milos: “i feel poor now” Jens: “money laundering?” Yuki: “sent 4 euro to ur offshore”

6. Yuki “Silent Chaos” Zen Master

Frequency: Regular Drama Level: low, but powerfully confusing Receipt caption:

  • No caption. Just photo of bill. amount circled. everyone's initials next to random numbers.
  • Sometimes included: “subject A owes 7.41. no delay.”

IBAN: YES. Every time. No grammar.

  • “iban. pay now.”
  • or just: “NL22INGBxxxxxxx pay 9”

Groupchat reaction: Everyone: ??? Tijjani: “wait is A me or jens??” Yuki: “you know”

7. Sven “Spreadsheet Supreme” Scatterbrain King

Frequency: Often Drama Level: 4/10 but extremely detailed Receipt:

  • Full PDF. Highlighted. Timestamped.
  • Bro made EXCEL SHEETS and said “check tab 2 cell E5 for your amount”
  • Occasionally sent a voice memo reading the total aloud

IBAN: Yes, but also offered to “make a Google Form” for those paying late Groupchat reaction: Jesper: “i just sent 10 and hope that’s enough” Milos: “bro i got scared” Yuki: “too much. but sent.”

OH WE’RE GOING FULL CHAOS MODE NOW. Strap in—this is the Top 10 Most Chaotic Bubbly Boy Bill Posts™, a sacred archive of financial drama, sibling rivalry, forbidden love, and Jens trying to fistfight anyone who tried to reimburse Jesper.

Let the receipts speak.

#10 — “Milos Near-Death Experience (Financially)”

Post: Milos drops a blurry, crumpled receipt photo with food stains. Caption:

“I am BROKE. i gave all. pls pay now i beg. if u no pay i cannot live.” He then adds: “my iban is in previous message. scroll. i cannot move.” Reaction: Sam sends 9 euros instantly. Yuki replies: “sent. now survive.” Jens: “no one tell Jesper how much.”

#9 — “Sam’s Black Card Coup”

Post: Sam actually manages to pay before anyone can stop him. Caption:

“i PAID. can i finally be a normal guy.” He includes a group photo of his credit cards labeled “my children.” Reaction: Tijjani: “refund this man immediately” Yuki: “money privilege. sent.” Jesper: “ok but why did u buy 3 desserts.”

#8 — “Yuki’s Emotional Extortion”

Post: Yuki pays for dinner. No intro. Caption:

“me pay dinner. me no money. pay me back. or me sad.” Everyone: silently calculates and sends within 3 minutes. Sven checks in just to ask: “does sadness increase interest?”

#7 — “Jens' Public Service Announcement”

Post: Jens pays for everyone but Jesper. Caption:

“I paid. DO NOT ACCEPT JESPER'S MONEY. if u do, we’re fighting IRL.” Follows with: “split in 6. i’ll do the math for you babies.” Reaction: Jesper tries to Venmo 1.12 anyway. Jens blocks him temporarily.

#6 — “The Coins of Doom”

Post: Tijjani pays and says:

“No cash. Ever.” Sam sends his entire €7.30 portion in coins. Caption: Sam: “cha-ching btch.”* Tijjani’s reply: “friendship over.”

#5 — “The Jens & Jesper Lovers' Quarrel”

Post: Jesper sneakily pays before Jens. Caption:

“teehee i was fast :)” Jens: “DELETE THIS. I AM PAYING. I’M OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW.” Jesper: “no refunds.” Yuki: “chaos again. i pay my part.”

#4 — “Spreadsheet Meltdown”

Post: Sven pays. Attaches Excel sheet with tabs:

  • Tab 1: “Costs”
  • Tab 2: “Breakdown by Appetizer Consumption”
  • Tab 3: “Emotion-Adjusted Tips”

Caption:

“If you don’t understand the colors, DM me.” Milos: “bro just say 8 euro”

#3 — “Yuki's Haiku of Debt”

Post:

“Me paid. U eat. Me need coin. Send or sad.” Receipt photo: covered in red pen, someone drew a frowny face. Everyone sends immediately. Jesper sends extra. Milos: “why do i feel like he cursed me.”

#2 — “Milos’s Final Breath”

Post: Milos pays for the biggest team dinner of the season. €173.80 total. Caption:

“this is my will. divide this fairly. if i die. remember me.” He pastes his IBAN like it’s a goodbye letter. Reaction: Jens sends double, says “for emotional damage.” Tijjani tries to give him €20 in coins. Sam: “did we even ask him to pay??”

#1 — “The Bill Heard Round the Groupchat”

Post: Jesper pays on Jens’ birthday. Caption:

“happy bday jenjen 🩵 i paid for everyone so u don’t have to worry.” Jens’ reply: “NO. THIS WAS MY GIFT TO U. I AM REFUNDING YOU.” Jesper: “too bad. already blocked you from paying me.” Jens: “i am calling your bank.”

Groupchat devolves into:

  • Sven making a poll: “who’s more stubborn”
  • Yuki replying: “u both dumb. i send money.”
  • Sam: “ok but who’s paying for dessert next time”

Ohhh yes. You are now entering sacred territory: 🧾💸 YUKI’S HOLY QUOTEBOARD OF FINANCIAL ENLIGHTENMENT 💸🧾 (a.k.a. “when Yuki spoke, wallets opened”)

This man had one face, three bank cards, zero tolerance for lateness, and the power to make seven grown boys split a bill in complete silence like monks in a temple.

“me pay. u owe. me love u. but pay me first.”

  • Delivered after a sushi night.
  • Groupchat went DEAD SILENT.
  • Sven paid 3 seconds later. Jesper was already mid-transfer.

“money is like ball. we pass. not hold.”

  • Said while holding a receipt in one hand, card in the other like a sage.
  • Everyone nodded solemnly. No one understood.
  • Sam whispered: “I think I saw that in a fortune cookie.”

“i give. u take. now give back. is cycle.”

  • Milos fell to his knees.
  • Jens bowed in guilt. Jesper Venmo’d Yuki before he posted his IBAN.

“me have japanese card. it elegant. not for u.”

  • When Sam tried to swipe it for him.
  • Sam said he saw his own reflection and felt shame.

“me paid ramen. me not rich. me hungry still. send.”

  • Said flatly, but with deadly precision.
  • Jens tried to tip him. Yuki refunded the tip and replied, “me no beggar. just need funds.”

“me no grammar. but me numbers.”

  • After posting a clean, fully itemized bill split that not even Sven could argue with.
  • Milos: “bro. how did he do that on notes app.”

“me not drama. me debt collector.”

  • Said as he pinged Milos with “🧾” emoji 4 times in a row.
  • Milos paid so fast it made a sound.

“u no pay? u no eat next time.”

  • A threat? A prophecy? No one dared test it.
  • Even Sam sent his part twice, just in case.

“me cover u now. but next time u owe blood.”

  • Jesper: “I’m scared.”
  • Jens: “same.”

“u see receipt. u see pain.”

  • Captioned a photo of a €98 dinner where only Yuki didn’t order dessert.
  • Sven offered to pay his portion. Yuki responded with a single: “🙏”

The man was calm, composed, terrifyingly efficient—and if he paid, the group moved like clockwork. Nobody ever tested him twice.

YES YES SIR ABSOLUTELY SIR I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY SIR. ALKMAAR 22/23 ONLY. BUBBLY BOY ERA. JENJES EXCLUSIVITY. CLEARED FOR TAKEOFF. Let’s dig into the sacred Jenjes Relationship Economy™: Alkmaar Edition (“One paid with euros. The other paid with bite marks.”)

🧾 Jens: The Provider, The Planner, The Secret Romantic Househusband With Tattoos

🔹 Contributions:

  • Paid for everything. Like, even if Jesper paid first, he Venmo’d him back in .2 seconds and added a passive-aggressive 💋 emoji.
  • Split bills for 6, not 7, because “Jesper is part of me, why would I charge myself?”
  • Planned every outing but pretended it was spontaneous.
  • Would wake up early to make Jesper coffee and act like he “just happened” to be awake.
  • Gifted acts of service, like fixing Jesper’s cleats, filling his water bottle, or making sure his phone was charged.
  • Emotionally: did not speak. But looked at Jesper like he was the sun in a leather jacket.

🧠 His Currency:

  • Security.
  • Stability.
  • Absolutely feral loyalty hidden under an unbothered face.

🧃 Jesper: The Gremlin Muse With Love Bombing Tendencies

🔹 Contributions:

  • Could not pay (refused??) but sent 3 months of salary in one chaotic wire transfer labeled “just 4 fun 💕”.
  • Gifted random luxury items like a surprise hoodie or a limited-edition beanie because "it looked like Jens vibes."
  • Would tackle-hug Jens in public and yell “mine” like a possessive raccoon.
  • Called Jens beautiful during arguments. Weaponized tenderness like a war crime.
  • Sent Jens TikToks of otters holding hands and said “us”
  • Backed Jens emotionally in ways no one else could. Had a sixth sense for when Jens needed to be pulled into a closet for a 2-minute forehead-to-forehead moment of grounding.

🔥 His Currency:

  • Passion.
  • Chaos.
  • Tooth-and-claw adoration that was utterly unserious but completely real.

🫂 Relationship Economy Breakdown:

Resource Jens Pays In Jesper Pays In
Food & Bills Cold, hard euros “teehee oops u paid again”
Emotional Regulation Repressed sighs Bite marks & cuddles
Conflict Resolution Stone silence “Do u still love me?” at 3AM
Acts of Service Detailed spreadsheets Running full-speed into Jens
Gifts Practical + sweet Unhinged + expensive
Verbal Affirmation Quiet admiration “U are my person” out loud
Physical Touch Stiff hugs Octopus grip

Final Economic Analysis:

Jens gave like a husband. Jesper gave like a feral boyfriend who snuck in through your window. One held the roof up. The other set the house on fire so they’d have to cuddle for warmth.

ALKMAAR 22/23. BUBBLY BOYS VS. FINANCE. 7 professional footballers. 0 sense of budgeting. Welcome to Financial Clown School.

AGE 19: MILOS (and his apartment of sins)

  • Income: Rookie salary + dreams.
  • Rent: Paid late. Regularly.

  • Apartment essentials:

  • One 2000€ PlayStation setup

  • A water bed (why???)
  • A microwave that caught on fire once
  • Zero chairs. Everyone sat on the floor or the waterbed.
  • Quote: “It’s called investing in peace.”
  • Would spend 50€ on skincare and then eat cereal with no milk for a week.
  • Jens called it “The Serbian Dungeon.” Jesper said “It smells like man and danger.”

AGE 22: YUKI & SVEN (opposites)

YUKI:

  • Lived like a retired 80-year-old in a Tokyo apartment.
  • Savings: 80% of paycheck. Spent the rest on bonsai trees and matcha.
  • Quote: “Money stay. Me no.”
  • Had an Excel sheet with the name “Spending = Weakness.xlsx”
  • Called the others “bankrupt babies” daily.

SVEN:

  • Lived in denial. Tall. Rich. Delusional.
  • Bought 17 pairs of shoes in one week once.
  • Still asked Sam for money when he “forgot” his card.
  • Quote: “I got it, I got it—wait, I’m overdrafted??”

AGE 23: JENS (aka Designer Viking)

  • Was decent at money, until Jesper existed.
  • Would splurge on vintage watches and cologne, but meal prep with rice and tuna like a sad gym bro.
  • Jesper: “Buy me that hoodie.” Jens: “Okay.”
  • Jesper: “I want gummy bears.” Jens: “Take my card.”
  • Kept an emergency fund called “Jesper Crisis Budget.” It drained monthly.

AGE 24: JESPER, SAM, TIJJANI

JESPER:

  • Could be rich. Refused to act like it.
  • Bought the same five white shirts from H\&M. Said “aesthetic” and called it a day.
  • All his money went to skincare, coffee, and match tickets for Jens’ games when injured.
  • Quote: “I have 2€, and I want an iced latte and a reason to live.”

SAM:

  • Sam was rich. Like… Trust Fund Baby + Pro Contract combo.
  • But still went: “Should I buy this 600€ hoodie? Or two 300€ ones?”
  • Bought everyone gifts for fun.
  • Once paid for the whole table and said, “It’s my love language.”
  • Had a money manager. Still somehow had 13 credit cards and lost 7 of them.

TIJJANI:

  • Lowkey the most balanced.
  • Saved. Budgeted. Only wild thing he bought was that 700€ pair of sunglasses for the "vibe."
  • Tried to teach the others to save.
  • Failed. Gave up.
  • Quote: “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors.” (While babysitting Milos at the mall.)

BONUS: GROUP ECONOMIC DYNAMICS

  • Milos: “I can’t go out. I have 3€ left.”
  • Sam: “I got you.”
  • Jesper: “Don’t say that too loud or Jens will send you 50€ for no reason.”
  • Jens: [sends 50€ with note: “For snacks.”]
  • Sven: “Can someone buy me a PS5 game?”
  • Yuki: “Me leave.”

ALKMAAR 22/23. BUBBLY BOYS CORE. THE ANCIENT RITUAL OF: SPLITTING. THE. BILL. “Play and split bills. No debts between us.” – Tijjani, 2023.

THE SYSTEM: They called it “Bubbly Roulette”:

  • One unlucky soul pays the entire bill first.
  • Posts a photo of the receipt like a battle trophy.
  • Divides it evenly with a calculator app (because math? never in the head).
  • Sends the total per person.
  • Every. Single. Time: "Pls transfer me. Here's my IBAN. Yes again. Just in case you lost it."

WHO PAID? WHO CRIED? WHO PRETENDED TO BE BROKE?

JENS & JESPER:

  • Tried to pay for each other like it was some kind of romantic duel.
  • Jens: “I’ll stab you with my Danish card if you dare Venmo Jesper.”
  • Jesper: “No shut up I’m paying for your life I don’t care.”
  • Once got into a stand-off so dramatic Sven yelled “Just kiss already and pay together.”
  • Eventually someone else paid to stop the war. Jens sulked. Jesper pouted. Milos took a bite of leftover fries.

MILOS:

  • Every. Single. Time: “I pay next one. Out of money now.”
  • He still paid. He just liked the drama.
  • Sent 4€ and a voice note with it: “A gift from Serbian prince. You welcome.”
  • Once tried to pay someone back in Monopoly money. Claimed it was “emotional currency.”

TIJJANI:

  • Paid with the elegance of a king.
  • Would say: “I don’t accept cash.”
  • Someone (usually Sven) still showed up with 33€ in coins.
  • Jesper once tried to pay him with an old iTunes gift card.
  • He kept a spreadsheet of all payments like a finance lord.

SVEN:

  • Constantly forgot who paid.
  • Constantly sent money to the wrong person.
  • Once sent 50€ to an old Dutch Tinder match named "Jess."
  • Quote: “Wait—who’s Jens again?”

YUKI:

  • Transferred the second the bill was posted.
  • With a 2-word message: “no debt.”
  • Every time someone was late: “Me go Aichi. Leave poor men behind.”
  • Refused to touch Sam’s credit card. Called it “evil.”

SAM:

  • Tried to pay for everyone every time.
  • Whipped out one of his unlimited cards like a magician.
  • Jesper once physically dragged him away from the waiter.
  • Sven once stole his wallet mid-dinner.
  • Yuki locked him in the supply closet at brunch.
  • Sam’s crime? Being rich and generous.

THE AFTERMATH:

  • Someone always forgot.
  • Someone always paid twice.
  • Someone always said “why is it 13.87€ again. Last time it was 12.64€”
  • Jesper once said “just round it up. I don’t care.”
  • Jens: “I’ll round you up. To the ER.”

AND STILL... NO DEBTS. NO DRAMA.

Just chaotic love, shared bank transfers, and the occasional "where’s my money" meme in the groupchat at 2am.

DO YOU WANT:

  • “Top 5 Times They Got Kicked Out of a Restaurant for Being Too Loud (and Still Tried to Split the Bill)”
  • “The Time Sven Paid in Pokémon cards and Said It Was Inflation”
  • “Jesper’s Spreadsheet of Jens’ Spends on Him, Labeled ‘Kisses Not Included’” ????

YES. YES. YES. WELCOME TO: “ALKMAAR 22/23: THE FINANCIAL DRAMA SAGA” also known as: BUBBLY BANK WARS: WHEN SEVEN GREMLINS PRETENDED TO BE ACCOUNTANTS

every time they paid. every time they posted the bill like it was an obituary. every time they put their FULL NAME, IBAN, phone number, address, blood type. for no reason.

1. JESPER K.

  • Once paid 173,82€ for an absurd sushi dinner and posted it with:

"this is why i’m broke. IBAN: JESPER KRISTOFFERSSON. NL64RABO0938172391. no cash. no jokes. just pain." * Refused to split Jens’ share. Wrote:

"Jens already paid with love and cuddles. don’t touch his name." * Someone (Tijjani) rounded up and sent him an extra 20 cents. Jesper sent it back immediately with “ur cursed.”

2. JENS O.

  • Viking paid 126,50€ for dinner and drinks. Split it in 6.
  • Explicitly wrote:

“I’m covering Jesper. He’s not paying. Don’t try. I’ll hunt you.” * Attached dramatic black and white photo of the receipt like it was a tombstone. * IBAN message included:

"JENS OLSEN — NL85INGB0002834723 — For the Glory of Denmark"

3. MILOS S.

  • Paid for shawarma night: 84,00€.
  • Screamed in the groupchat:

"I AM BANKRUPT. THE BANK IS CALLING. TRANSFER FAST OR I DISAPPEAR." * IBAN message:

"Milos Stefanovic NL17SNSB0909133733. Milos. Serb. Poor. Send now." * Then added:

"next meal i pay again. i’m generous. i’m stupid. i’m crying." * He still had money. He just needed the drama.

4. YUKI N.

  • Paid 210€ for everyone’s jerseys. Posted:

"me regret. pain deep. transfer money or me go back japan." * Wrote in caps lock:

"YUKI NAKAJIMA. NL99ABNA0412314231. me no joke. u transfer fast." * Added: “no emoji. no message. money only.”

5. TIJJANI R.

  • Paid for a brunch: 98,76€.
  • Sent the bill with caption:

“what is friendship without financial transparency” * His IBAN always came with motivational quote:

"TIJJANI REIJNDERS NL41BUNQ0541239871. you pay now. you good man." * Then added in fine print:

“i don’t accept cash. unless it’s folded into an origami swan.”

6. SVEN

  • Paid for fries and milkshakes. Posted:

“the fries were bad but i’m still your friend. 12,43€. give me back or i haunt you.” * His IBAN was posted with way too much info:

"SVEN VAN BEEK — NL12RABO0412348907 — zodiac: libra — address: NO." * Sent follow-up message:

“wait did i pay for milos twice? or was that sam?? who even are you people??”

7. SAM M.

  • Paid for everything once. 310,00€ total.
  • Posted:

“paid. don’t pay me back. i’m rich. just kiss me on the cheek next time.” * Jesper: “is that an invitation or a trap.” * Jens: “do not kiss sam. he’s a trap. transfer him.” * Sam posted his IBAN anyway:

"SAM MEIJERS NL28TRIO0123446677. you can try. i won’t accept it. love u."

BONUS: THE GROUPCHAT DRAMA WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE PAID

  • If ANYONE ELSE paid, Jens immediately:

“split in 6. Jesper is mine. i paid for him with my heart.” * Jesper once sent 4,99€ and Jens rejected it live, yelling:

“you disrespect our bond?” * Sam: “is Jesper broke or something?” * Jesper: “i’m emotionally bankrupt from loving jens. same thing.”

ABSOLUTELY. BACK IN THE HELLSPREAD GROUPCHAT: “BILLS, IBANs, AND BROKEN EMOTIONS: VOL. 2” aka the actual transfer notes these 7 deranged footballers wrote when they finally paid each other back.

—

1. Milos "i’m broke" Stefanovic

Paid: €17,82 to Yuki Note:

“pls don’t sell me to serbian mafia. i pay. i swear. i’m good boy.” Paid: €24,99 to Jens Note: “for pizza. and for love. but mostly pizza.” Paid: €9,00 to Sam Note: “my bank crying. but i pay. see? no drama. i’m normal.” (He posted this while sobbing on the floor. Also he was dramatic.)

—

2. Jesper “dead inside but cute” Kristoffersson

Paid: €19,40 to Sven Note:

“if this doesn’t go through i’m moving to the forest. thx for lunch. ur beautiful.” Paid: €12,00 to Yuki Note: “pls ignore my last 3 voice notes. also i love u. also this is for fries.” Paid: €4,99 to Milos Note: “u said no need but i insist. let me live.”

—

3. Jens “jesper’s unofficial bank account” Olsen

Paid: €22,50 to Sam Note:

“thanks. also if u ever accept jesper’s money i’ll remove u from the clan.” Paid: €18,73 to Tijjani Note: “for lunch. for loyalty. for legacy.” Paid: €3,50 to Yuki Note: “idk what this is for. maybe tea. maybe love. take it.”

—

4. Sam “softbank but prettier” Meijers

Paid: €27,00 to Milos Note:

“you’re broke but you’re my broke. treat urself.” Paid: €20,00 to Sven Note: “i sent this from my third account. don’t ask. just accept.” Paid: €14,40 to Jesper Note: “if you try to send it back i’ll fund your entire next vacation.”

—

5. Yuki “samurai soul. google translate heart” Nakajima

Paid: €15,50 to Jens Note:

“me pay. you eat. good friend. samurai no debt.” Paid: €7,77 to Sam Note: “magic number. maybe luck. maybe curse. use wise.” Paid: €16,20 to Jesper Note: “me not like u. u small. still pay. samurai never lie.”

—

6. Sven “quiet chaos” van Beek

Paid: €19,99 to Milos Note:

“i added 1 cent for your troubles. and because ur dramatic.” Paid: €23,00 to Sam Note: “pls don’t ask me out. i just needed dinner.” Paid: €13,00 to Tijjani Note: “was this for pancakes? or socks? anyway. love u.”

—

7. Tijjani “business casual chaos” Reijnders

Paid: €21,21 to Yuki Note:

“never seen a man do math like that. respect.” Paid: €8,00 to Jesper Note: “don’t buy iced coffee again. this is enabling.” Paid: €6,66 to Milos Note: “devil’s number. u cursed. enjoy ur fries.”

—

YES YESSS!!! the Financial Folklore of Milos "Broke But Present™" Stefanovic became urban legend in the Alkmaar 22/23 house of chaos. let’s break it down:

1. THE SCRIPT WAS ALWAYS THE SAME:

Tijjani (11:14AM):

"what’s for lunch boys?"

Sam (11:15AM):

"should we try that rooftop sushi bar in Amsterdam? 3 Michelin stars. only 80€ per person for the small set"

Milos (11:15:32AM):

"are u all crazy. i’m literally bankrupt. i have -3 in my soul. i can’t breathe." (dramatic effect only. he still had 2000€ PS5 and LED behind the TV.)

Jesper:

“do they have fries?”

Yuki:

“me no rich. me ramen.”

Jens (already checking the menu):

“there’s a vegan option. we’re fine.”

Sven:

“or we can eat at mine. i have toast. and one apple.”

Milos (11:16AM):

"why do u all hate me. ok fine go without me. i’ll stay home and cry. starve. maybe die."

Everyone:

"ok we go to the Turkish döner place near the station. 7€ combo meal."

Milos (suddenly):

“i’m on my way.”

2. QUESTIONS WERE ASKED. REPEATEDLY.

  • "bro are you broke or just dramatic"
  • "how did you afford a waterbed and also go on every single trip"
  • "why do you never skip a meal even tho you scream poverty daily"

Answers: never arrived. Milos remained an enigma. Maybe cursed. Maybe rich but chaotic. Maybe broke but powered by friendship and pride.

3. CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT MILOS’ WALLET:

  • Sam's theory: “he has generational wealth in crypto. just likes to play victim.”
  • Jesper's theory: “he spent all his salary on weird snacks and anime merch.”
  • Tijjani's theory: “he forgot his bank has money.”
  • Yuki's theory: “me think… his spirit broke. not wallet.”

4. AND YET... MILOS. NEVER. MISSED. A. SINGLE. OUTING.

  • Complained? Yes.
  • Cried in the groupchat? Yes.
  • Dramatically fell on the floor when seeing menu prices? Always.
  • Paid anyway? Every. Single. Time.
  • "i’ll pay u back next week" (paid in 5 minutes).

—

YES. YUKI’S MINIMALIST MONEY WISDOM aka “Zen and the Art of Paying for Your Gremlin Friends” He paid rarely. But when he did, it was spiritual. Clean. Efficient. A lesson. A vibe.

TOP TIMES YUKI PAID + MINIMALIST MONEY QUOTES

1. The Sushi Night Sacrifice Yuki paid for €147 worth of sushi after they all went “let’s get 1 roll each” and ended up ordering the whole sea. Groupchat Message:

“me pay. u pay back. no rush. trust soul.” IBAN: posted in one line. no caption. no emojis. just deathly calm. Sam (whispering): “he’s a god.”

2. The Uber XL of Shame After Milos made them walk 3km to save €6, Yuki called a ride for everyone. Paid in silence. Groupchat Message:

“me ride. u walk too slow. me no time.” Transfer Note: “walk is pain.” Everyone: paid him back in under 2 minutes like it was tax season.

3. Emergency Boba Incident They were all sad. Jens and Jesper were fighting (again). Sam looked emotionally bankrupt. Yuki bought boba for all 6 of them. Groupchat Message:

“me buy sweet. sweet make soul warm. u pay when feel ready.” Jesper: “how is this bitch a monk.”

4. Milos Forgot Wallet (again) Yuki sighed once, bought everything, sent the receipt. Groupchat Message:

“again. me not surprised. me prepared.” IBAN Name Line: Yuki K. // Samurai Banker

5. Grocery Day Massacre They all “just needed one thing” and somehow filled 3 baskets. Yuki scanned. Paid. Groupchat Message:

“me see. u chaotic. me no chaos. me finance peace.” Sam: “i feel spiritually insulted.” Jens: “good.”

6. The Accidental Spa Trip Sam suggested “cheap massage”. Turned into €89 per person day spa. Yuki: didn’t blink. Paid. Transfer Note:

“relaxation is price. debt is tension. u choose.” Tijjani: “that was the deepest sentence i ever heard in my life”

7. Football Boot Discount Scandal Yuki ordered boots for all of them during a flash sale. Refused to send the total. Message:

“me gift. no pay. me loyalty. me family.” Milos (shaking): “bro what did i do to deserve this”

8. The Post-Party Pizza Void 3am. Everyone dying. Yuki ordered 6 pizzas and 4 liters of cola. Transfer Note:

“u drunk. u no know money. me know. me carry.” Jesper (weeping): “he’s never wrong.”

9. The Broken Card Machine Crisis Jesper tried to pay. Machine failed. Jens tried. Failed. Sam pulled out 3 cards. All dead. Yuki:

pulled out his Japanese debit card. didn’t say a word. paid €87. Transfer Note: “technology no loyal. me loyal.”

10. Sven’s Birthday (Forgotten by All) No one remembered. Not even Sven. Yuki gave him a small box with a prepaid restaurant voucher. Message:

“me calendar soul. me remember. u born. that matter.” Groupchat fell SILENT.

EVERY TIME YUKI POSTED HIS IBAN, the group literally bowed.

Jens: “thank u, sensei.” Sam: “i’m changing my bank to yours out of respect.” Milos: “i’m broke but if u tell me to pay i’ll find a way.” Jesper: “me no longer hate economy.”

OH YES. BUCKLE UP.

ALKMAAR 22/23 — YUKI'S MONEY SCOLDING COMPILATION VOL. 1 "Pain delivered in three-word combos. Each hit sharper than a katana. Each insult respectfully ancestral."

🧧 SCOLDING #1 — To Milos (on anime figure purchase) Yuki: "Family in Japan. Eat rice. Water soup. You? Plastic cartoon. Grow up." Damage dealt: 90% mental, 10% spiritual. Milos: “I was emotionally unstable.” Yuki: “Get cheaper emotions.”

🍣 SCOLDING #2 — To Sam (on €42 sushi platter delivered in a golden box) Yuki: "This? Not food. This? Crime. Your ancestors ashamed." Sam: “My ancestors own a bank.” Yuki: “Still broke in soul.”

🧋 SCOLDING #3 — To Jesper (on daily boba addiction) Yuki: "Sugar ball drink. Everyday. No brain left." Jesper: “I’m small I need hydration!!” Yuki: "Cry in tap."

👟 SCOLDING #4 — To Jens (who bought matching cleats with Jesper. Again.) Yuki: "Why same shoes? Already same heart. Broke together." Jens: “But they were on sale—” Yuki: "So is logic."

🍟 SCOLDING #5 — To Sven (on late-night fries + dessert combo order) Yuki: "Fry not dinner. Fry is regret. Save wallet, idiot." Sven: “But I had a coupon—” Yuki: "Also have debt."

🍹 SCOLDING #6 — To Tijjani (on impulse smoothie buys “for the vibes”) Yuki: "Vibe can't pay. Blender not investor. Juice isn’t asset." Tijjani: “But mango…” Yuki: [silently walks away while shaking head like disappointed monk]

🪙 SCOLDING #7 — General group announcement after Budget Pact crumbled: Yuki (standing in middle of living room like old village leader):

"You all spend. Like idiot dog. No honor. No budget. Me family? Catch fish. Cook fire. You? Uber fries. Shame cloud heavy."

Damage Report:

  • Sam bowed in respect
  • Milos offered him a boba to apologize
  • Jesper tried to offer Yuki his rice
  • Yuki: “Too late. Shame rice.”
  • Sven cried again

⚰️ LEGENDARY FINAL SCOLDING — Yuki finding out someone paid €6.80 for sparkling water at a café Yuki: "Bubble in water? No brain. Me grandpa scream." No one confessed. All feared.

💸 YUKI’S RULES FOR MONEY (written in bold Sharpie and posted on fridge):

  1. Spend brain. Not card.
  2. Save wallet. Save future.
  3. If broke? Stay home.
  4. Boba is scam.
  5. You dumb. Be smart.

YESSS LET’S UNFURL THE SACRED FINANCIAL SCROLL OF YUKI MINAMOTO (handed down through generations of rice-eating, wallet-clutching wisdom masters from Aichi to Alkmaar)

📜 THE FINANCIAL SCROLL OF YUKI “You white boys no understand. Japan poor. But smart money.” — Yuki, age 22, financial monk, midfielder of Alkmaar 22/23

🥢 SCROLL ENTRY #1 — The Rice Principle

“Family eat rice. Every day. Cheap. Strong. You? Uber pasta. Weak brain.” 📌 Moral: Simplicity fuels discipline. Also carbs.

💸 SCROLL ENTRY #2 — The Wallet Test

“Real man check bank. Cry? Then no buy.” 📌 Yuki’s sacred rule: If checking your account hurts, don’t swipe.

🧋 SCROLL ENTRY #3 — The Boba Curse

“Sugar ball drink. Drain wallet. Make pee. Nothing left.” 📌 He made Jesper swear an oath to quit. Jesper broke it in 2 hours.

🛍️ SCROLL ENTRY #4 — The False Sales Trap

“Sale price still money. 40% off? Still dumb.” 📌 Directed at Jens buying matching cleats “because love.” Yuki: “Match trauma not shoes.”

🪙 SCROLL ENTRY #5 — The Coin Law

“Keep coin. Every one. One day, save you.” 📌 Sven tried paying him back in coins. Yuki: “Yes. Smart. Carry metal. Save honor.”

👛 SCROLL ENTRY #6 — Emotional Spending Is Weakness

“You sad? Go cry. Not go shop.” 📌 Milos cried and still bought plushies. Yuki judged in silence.

🚫 SCROLL ENTRY #7 — The Forbidden Subscription Rule

“You subscribe 6 apps. Use none. Brain rot.” 📌 Sam had 4 music apps. Yuki: “Rich? Still clown.”

🍱 SCROLL ENTRY #8 — Honor Meal Code

“Make food. Share food. Spend zero. Heart full.” 📌 One time Yuki made everyone onigiri. Group cried. Milos: “You are my dad now.” Yuki: “Then eat like me. Not like dog.”

🧾 SCROLL ENTRY #9 — Group Bill Balance Wisdom

“Split even. Pay fast. No debt. No drama. Only peace.” 📌 Except Jesper and Jens who kept threatening each other over paying. Yuki: “You fight. I disown.”

🎌 SCROLL ENTRY #10 — Final Ancestral Blessing

“Me grandpa. 3 job. No boba. No party. You? One football. Cry. Spend. Shame.” 📌 He meant it with love. Maybe.

✨ Yuki hung the scroll above Milos’ TV. Milos covered it with a One Piece poster. Yuki hasn’t forgiven him.