bubbly boys, alkmaar 22/23: never for the weak

Published on July 28, 2025

“Alkmaar 22/23” as a case study? Oh babe… this is not your regular friend group analysis. This is a psychological tornado wrapped in glitter, trauma, and espresso shots. Let’s dissect the chaos like a behavioral scientist with a gossip addiction:

CASE STUDY: "ALKMAAR 22/23 – A Threat to Humanity"

Subtitle: Why This Group is Not for the Weak, the Sane, or Anyone With a Low Heart Rate.

OVERVIEW

Alkmaar 22/23 consisted of seven young men between the ages of 18–25, living under one club roof but entirely different universes of emotion, libido, and mental breakdowns. Bounded by football and unhinged loyalty, the group represented a full psychological spectrum—from peace monks to domestic terrorists (emotionally speaking).

THE SUBJECTS

🦶 Sam B. — “Barefoot Tycoon”

Rich kid syndrome: never faced consequences, but is soft to the core.
Known for drinking matcha that costs more than most rent.
Emotionally dependent on drama but pretends he's above it.
Had a platonic marriage with Tijjani. Once said "capitalism is a vibe" unironically.

🎩 Tijjani R. — “Peaky Blinders But Indonesian”

Spoke in monologues like he was auditioning for Peaky Blinders.
Emotionally constipated. Made fun of everyone else for having feelings.
Was probably in love with Sam but said “I don’t do labels” while buying Sam 80€ face cream.
Said “logical errors” while crying during My Love (你的婚礼).

🐭 Jesper K. — “Tiny Terror With a Binky Past”

1.71m tall, invincible, once bit his brother and gaslit him.
Has abandonment issues and chronic hoe behavior (retired).
Looks like a cherub. Has 9 lives. One is Jens’ and the rest are chaos.
Smelled amazing even after 2 hours of training. Possibly cast a spell.

⚔️ Jens O. — “IBS Viking with Too Many Feelings”

1.88m, blonde, tattooed, surprisingly soft. Had major forehead acne but was still adored.
Emotionally wounded golden retriever. Jesper’s final boss.
Once cried watching a football documentary and blamed the pollen.
Would fight God if He looked at Jesper wrong.

💣 Milos K. — “Furnitureless Balkan Prince”

Rich. 2003-born. Dangerous.
Once drank Monster for breakfast and called matcha "grass juice."
Thought the others were insane. Still loved them. Had no plates in his apartment.
Possibly legally insane. Once tried to microwave pizza with the box.

🍃 Yuki S. — “Hokage of Alkmaar”

Zen, calm, peaceful. Until you mention Ayumi. Then he's in shambles.
Watched My Love (你的婚礼) and cried in silence.
Called Jesper “rat” lovingly. Best emotional support in the club.
Believed in energy healing but also physically strong as hell.

☀️ Sven M. — “Dutch National Husband”

Tall, sweet, clueless. Had no idea why everyone was crying all the time.
Once said “You’re beautiful when you’re angry” and made Jesper cry.
Everyone trusted him. He knew everyone’s trauma but still offered snacks.
Never broke hearts. The anti-hurt king.

NATURAL HABITAT

They occupied the locker room like a dorm.
Screamed at 2am about philosophy and dating apps.
Played Valorant and sent fake distress calls (Jesper once faked his kidnapping).
Shared boba, emotional breakdowns, and existential dread like it was team bonding.

KEY THEMES IN THEIR DEVELOPMENT

Attachment issues: Jesper needed to be held like a baby. Jens did it, no questions asked.
Love languages: Chaos, sarcasm, over-investment, and sobbing while pretending it’s allergies.
Collective denial: Milos never paid rent. Sam pretended he wasn’t a romantic. Tijjani said “real men don’t cry” and then sobbed at The Notebook.
Found family: Despite everything—they’d die for each other. Or at least show up to your match with handmade signs and bubble tea.

CONCLUSION

Alkmaar 22/23 wasn’t a friend group. It was a phenomenon. A seven-headed hydra of love, rage, unspoken trauma, and chaotic energy. Anyone who entered their orbit left either enlightened or deeply confused.

Not for the weak? Not even for the professionally trained.

YESSSS. THIS. THIS IS THE ENTRANCE SCENE.

Alkmaar 22/23. The youth team boys opened the door to their first senior dressing room like it was holy ground. And then—

They stopped short. Eyes wide. Jaw unhinged. Because there they were.

The Seven Threats to Humanity™.

Jesper – baby-faced chaos incarnate, sitting on Jens’ lap like a little forest goblin, legs crossed, hoodie sleeves over his hands, whispering something that made Jens smile with all his teeth and forehead acne.
Jens – 1.88m of viking boyfriend. Veins out, back hunched, arms covered in tape and tattoos, absolutely glued to Jesper like he paid rent to cuddle him.
Tijjani – sitting cross-legged on the bench, eating chips from Sam’s backpack, arguing that “in this club I’m a spiritual leader” while Sam snatched the chips back and said, “You’re spiritually bankrupt.”
Sam – barefoot, Gucci socks missing, shirt half-tucked, arguing with Tijjani but still calling him “sweetie.” He had a crystal in one hand and a tactical playbook in the other.
Yuki – meditating upside-down against the wall. Peaceful. Perfect posture. Radiating Zen. Not a thought in that beautiful Hokage head except “I’m above this.”
Milos – upside down with Yuki but somehow vibrating at the speed of light. Chewed gum, fake earring, shirt inside out, gaming headset around his neck despite no visible console. He barked once. No one reacted.
Sven – tall, sweet, halfway through peeling an orange like it’s a sacred ritual. Offered a slice to every single youth player who walked in. One boy took it and burst into tears. We don’t know why.

One of the rookies whispered: “That’s them… the ones Coach warned us about…” Another: “I thought they were a myth.” Another: “Are those two gay or just European?” A fourth: “Bro, that one’s levitating.” Fifth one just screamed and ran out.

The captain, sighing from across the room, cleaning his boots:

“If you value your sanity, don’t make eye contact. Don’t join their Netflix parties. And if Jesper offers you a protein bar—don’t take it.”

Alkmaar 22/23. The bubble era. The war era. The Twink Plague™. Never for the weak.

EXACTLY. DO 👏🏻 NOT 👏🏻 EVEN 👏🏻 TRY 👏🏻

Alkmaar 22/23 was a kingdom, and these were the commandments written in chaotic Sharpie on the dressing room wall:

🧍🏻‍♂️ Yuki: His English is sacred. If he says “me go bathroom,” you clap and translate. He’s peace, he’s the sage, he’s the one keeping the spiritual balance. Disrespect him? You’re getting reverse roundhouse kicked into a Dutch grammar book.

👨‍🦳 Jens: Our IBS-afflicted Viking warlord with the soul of a golden retriever. If his stomach growls, we respectfully bow. If his face breaks out, we bless it like it’s ancient treasure. Mock him, and Jesper will actually commit arson.

🍬 Jesper: 1.71m of pure wrath and whimsy. He is small but mighty. He’s the reason your car alarm went off at 3AM. You say “short king,” he says “king, yes.” Call him pocket-sized and he’ll bite.

💈 Sam: Hairline’s been fighting battles since 2019, and he still shows up looking like a billionaire’s bored son. Touch his curls and Tijjani will end you with a poetic monologue.

🧢 Tijjani: Don’t even JOKE about him playing for Indonesia. He’ll deliver a five-paragraph essay on colonialism and then ghost you like he did Albert. Do not engage unless spiritually prepared.

🦒 Sven: Sweetest man alive. Has the body of a model and the brain of a lost Labrador. Underestimate him and Yuki will death-stare you from across the locker room.

🎮 Milos: Face of a cryptid, energy of a raccoon on Red Bull. Don’t ask about his skincare. Don’t ask about his sleep schedule. Just… don’t. If you tease him, he’ll buy your house just to put a trampoline in your kitchen.

THE BUBBLY BOYS??? They’re not just a friend group. They’re a protected species.

Anyone who even breathes wrong near one of them? They’re gonna get the full wrath of 7 chaotic souls, 12 languages, and 0 mercy.

Alkmaar 22/23. The last great civilization before the fall. The UN could never.

ABSOLUTELY THIS HAPPENED. Etched into the walls of the Alkmaar 22/23 group chat like a sacred text.

Someone probably asked during a late-night away match bus ride, right? Everyone sleepy, glowing from the iPad light, sharing deep thoughts—

Jens, all soft-voiced and in love, staring out the window like a sad Danish novel:

“Losing the love of your life.”

Sven, 70% legs and 100% existential dread:

“The unknown. Like… what’s beyond space? Or what if birds are fake?”

Yuki, dead serious, cross-legged, fully zen:

“Death.”

Jesper, squinting at the ceiling with the intensity of someone who’s been betrayed in UNO before:

“Betrayal.”

And then.

Milos, upside down on the team bus seat, half a KitKat in his mouth, wearing sunglasses at 11PM:

“Twisted nuts.”

Sam (half-asleep in designer sweats):

“What.”

Tijjani (sipping sparkling water like it’s tequila):

“I was scared of heartbreak. Now I’m scared of that.”

Jesper: “Define twisted.”

Milos: “Like… if you jump off something too fast and—”

Jens: covers ears “Nope. No. NO.”

Sven: “Does that mean it can happen to anyone?!”

Yuki: “I do not want this fear downloaded into my brain.”

Sam: “New rule. No body horror after 10PM.”

And just like that, "twisted nuts" became a banned topic, placed firmly on the same level as discussing taxes, betrayals, and Jesper’s lost iPhone in Vienna.

Alkmaar 22/23: where poetic trauma meets Milos’ medical horror fanfiction.

THIS IS 1000% CANON. this right here?? a regular Tuesday for the Alkmaar 22/23 bubbly boy cult. let’s break it down for the anthropology record:

They pull up to a Korean BBQ place in the middle of Alkmaar like it’s a diplomatic summit. Milos looks at the menu like he’s reading his own hospital bill:

“€14 for kimchi?!? In my country this is free with vibes.”

Tijjani, tired of this routine:

slaps his card down like a dad with three mortgages “I got it. I’ll send you your amounts. Pay me within 48 hours or I’ll block you.”

Then the bill arrives. He drops his Revolut like:

“Name: Tijjani Reijnders. Account: NL28... Don’t ghost me.”

Milos:

“Bro I’m broke rn but fr I got you next week. Payday’s coming.”

Jens quietly covers both his and Jesper’s tab like a sugardaddy with IBS and no regrets. Jesper, scandalized:

“EXCUSE ME?? i am an INDEPENDENT short king.” Jens: “Shhh. Say the line.” Jesper: “…thank u jensie you’re so handsome.”

Sam, sipping his lychee soda with disdain:

“Jesper are you broke again?” Milos (eager to stir chaos): “He’s been betting on Serie B. Swear I saw his name on a betting discord.” Sven (concerned dad): “Guys… no sport betting. Not again.” Jesper: “Excuse me, I’m not broke, I’m cherished. There’s a difference.”

Sven looks at Jens, calculates out loud like it’s his taxes:

“Jesper literally makes twice your salary, Jens.” Jens (rubbing his temple): “God forbid a man who loves hard.”

And finally, the wisest words of the night, uttered by Yuki, staring blankly at his untouched tea:

“All boys rich. But dumb. Me go Aichi.”

Bubbly Boy Dinner Code of Conduct:

Milos will complain then eat everyone's leftovers.
Tijjani is both their financial manager and their local mafia.
Jens is basically Jesper's sugar mule.
Jesper is broke in spirit, not in wallet.
Sam instigates.
Sven gets emotionally involved for no reason.
Yuki? The only sane one. Still considers fleeing the country daily.

Alkmaar 22/23? never. for. the. economically or emotionally stable.

FR!!! Alkmaar 22/23 wasn’t a team it was a celestial accident. A multiverse collision. A TikTok house if all the creators were footballers, emotionally damaged, and gay-coded.

Every single one of them?? Cosmic events in human skin. Like, this was not a normal team. This was a limited-edition lineup of the most bizarre, lovable, absurd little freaks the Eredivisie ever saw.

⚽️ Alkmaar 22/23: A Cosmic Bubbly Boys Case Study

Jesper “Tunnel Rat” K. IQ 180. Binky till age 4. Could start a fight in an empty room. Fell silent only when he was held like a baby by one specific Danish man. Couldn't lift a wet tissue, but would score in the 92nd minute and celebrate like he cured death. Soul: rabid Pomeranian.
Jens “Viking with IBS” O. 1.88m of muscle and forehead acne. Carried Jesper around like a Build-A-Bear. Once did a full tactical analysis while throwing up from spicy noodles. Could cry from love, pride, or tummy cramps. Built like Thor, immune system of a Victorian orphan.
Yukinari “Snow in June” S. Zen soul. Broken English. Possibly a spirit trapped in a human body. Walked around Alkmaar with the energy of a monk who’s done every side quest in life. Accidentally traumatized Sven with cryptic statements like “I do not believe in timeline.”
Sven “Dutch National Husband” M. Too kind. Too tall. Didn’t know how phones work. Accidentally said something wise every 3 days. Kept thinking he was normal when in fact he was everyone's emotional support tree. Once made Yuki laugh so hard he levitated.
Sam “Barefoot Tycoon” B. Heir to something probably unethical. Wore no socks. Owned four iPads but no common sense. Slept like a Sims character. Could break your soul with a single sarcastic “okay.” In a platonic marriage with Tijjani since birth.
Tijjani “Villain of the Year” R. Calculated. Lethal. Divided the restaurant bill like he was running the UN. Gaslit Jesper for fun but defended him like a brother in public. Emotionally 83 years old. Once cursed out a referee in 3 languages and 1 eyebrow twitch.
Milos “Danger to Society” K. Looked like a random generator glitched. Always 19. Unreasonably wealthy but would fight over €5. Bought overpriced sushi and cried about it. Couldn’t explain anything without using Discord memes. Played football like it was Mario Kart.

Together??? An emotional apocalypse. A group therapy waiting to happen. God’s funniest group project.

People thought Ajax or PSV were the real threats. No. The real threat was what happened when these seven morons ordered takeout, gossiped like aunties, protected each other like mafia brothers, and loved harder than they tackled.

Alkmaar 22/23: One part sitcom. One part folklore. Not for the weak. Never was. Never will be.

ALKMAAR 22/23 RELATIONSHIP MAP: aka if you try to untangle this web you’ll end up in therapy

THE DECLARATIONS:

Jesper → Jens: “My sunshine ride-or-die gorgeous beautiful baby viking life savior.” (That’s not a nickname. That’s a full sentence with a bibliography.)
Jens → Jesper: “The love of my life.” (Emotionally ruined. Tears were shed. Earth stood still.)
Jesper → Tijjani: “My mistress.” (Scandal. Tabloids. Jens fighting the air in the locker room.)
Sam → Tijjani: “My platonic wife.” (There was a vow. Probably over a Red Bull and a stolen hoodie.)
Tijjani → Sam: “My platonic husband.” (They share playlists. They also argue like a couple who’s raising a cat.)
Sam → Jesper: “My hoe.” (Spoken with love. And deep understanding. And trauma.)
Sven → Yuki: “My sun.” (Soft boy romance. No thoughts, just peace and vibes.)
Yuki → Sven: “My peace.” (He probably whispered it after Sven fixed his iPad again.)
Jesper → Milos: “My dumb bitch.” (Still kinder than Milos deserves.)
Milos → Everyone: “My problematic big brothers.” (He said this while setting off fireworks indoors.)

FAMILY TREE (IF YOU DARE TO CALL IT THAT):

Jesper and Jens: soulmates, war buddies, twin flames, public menace x private baby.
Jesper and Tijjani: illicit affair energy. No actual crimes. Just drama and vibes.
Tijjani and Sam: married. But only on Tumblr. And maybe legally in the Netherlands.
Sam and Jesper: co-wives. Chaos. They share brain cells and skincare samples.
Sven and Yuki: the couple who water plants together. Earth signs. Warm soup energy.
Jesper and Milos: mean older sibling x chaotic little gremlin. No one’s safe.
Milos and Everyone: youngest child syndrome. Raised by wolves (aka Alkmaar 22/23).

TL;DR:

Alkmaar 22/23 wasn’t a team. It was a pansexual found family sitcom. With a twisted royal court structure, no HR, and absolutely zero rules.

Every day was a new declaration. Every week was a new scandal. And the group chat was cursed beyond salvation.

YES 😭😭😭 this 100% happened and it destroyed them emotionally, spiritually, and logistically.

Picture it:

Alkmaar 22/23 countryside trip. The vibe was immaculate.

Yuki wearing a little fisherman hat, taking aesthetic pics of the river.
Sven giggling while making boomerang videos of ducks.
Sam and Tijjani mid-argument over whether to get sparkling water or a mojito.
Jens feeding Jesper a bite of his dessert like they were filming a rom-com.
Milos had just climbed a tree for no reason.
The waiter was politely confused why one table looked like seven different genres of people.

Then: every phone buzzed at once. Coach's message, simple and brutal:

"No, I do not approve your leave request. You will come to practice today at 5PM."

Silence.

Jesper: "Who tf submitted the leave form." Sam: "I thought Tijjani was gonna handle that???" Tijjani: "Nah I thought Sven did it." Sven: "Me? I thought Yuki sent it, no?" Yuki: "Me no do form. Me do vibe." Jens: staring into space like he’s dissociating Milos: "Wait… what time is it now?"

They all checked: 3:42PM They were 90 minutes away from the training ground. Panic. Despair. Chaos.

Jesper: "We’re fucked." Tijjani: "No bro you’re fucked, you’re literally in Jens’ lap." Sam: "I knew this trip was cursed from the start." Milos: "Wait can we still eat first or no." Yuki: "We order take away." Sven: "I’ll drive. I have long legs. I go fast."

Cue the seven of them speed-running their way out of a riverside restaurant, some still chewing. Jens trying to pay the bill with Jesper hanging on his arm like a baby koala. Sam and Milos fighting over a leftover slice of cake to-go. Yuki yelling "me forgot hat!!" and running back. Sven already in the car, engine on. Tijjani texting the coach like “we’re coming 🫡🙏🏼 pls don’t kill us.”

They made it back to practice. Barely. Sweaty. Disheveled. Sun-kissed. Jesper still had gravel in his hair. The coach? Looked at them once and said: “never again.”

Alkmaar 22/23? Never for the weak. Not even for countryside trips.

YES. NO DOUBT. 😭😭😭

ALKMAAR 22/23: WATERPARK EDITION.

They truly didn’t learn from the countryside trip. They thought this time, for sure, everything would be fine because:

Sven swore he submitted the leave request.
Yuki double-checked the email (read: stared at it for 3 seconds and said “me think ok”).
Jesper said “Coach loves us now. Trust.” (????)
Sam said “If we die, we die in the wave pool.”

So off they went. The seven threats to public safety entered the waterpark like it was the Met Gala:

Jesper in the tiniest, most unnecessary swim shorts, covered in sunscreen.
Jens wearing SPF 100 and carrying Jesper’s entire bag.
Sam with Dior goggles.
Tijjani with a waterproof speaker blasting 八方来财.
Yuki had a water gun the size of a small child.
Sven... just happy to be there.
Milos immediately cannonballed into the lazy river without warning.

They did EVERYTHING. Raced down slides. Had a water gun fight that ended with Tijjani pulling Milos into the baby pool. Jesper and Jens got stuck together on a two-person floatie. Yuki and Sven got lost for 45 minutes in the snack bar area. Sam was flirting with the lifeguard while eating a churro.

AND THEN. Just as they were walking toward the next slide—dripping wet, sunburnt, fully euphoric— Sam’s phone buzzed. He checked it. Froze. “Bro.”

Jesper: “What??” Sam: “…The coach texted me.” Jesper: “And?” Sam: “He said he didn’t approve our leave requests.” Milos: “LMAO WHEN.” Sam: “Two hours ago.”

SILENCE.

Yuki: “Me go back to Aichi.” Tijjani: “Why am I always involved in this shit.” Jens: “My IBS just activated.” Jesper: “Goodbye world.” Sven: “We still go on that big slide first or no.” Sam: “I’m not going back to practice. I’m going to jail.”

THEY RAN. Like fugitives. Jesper wrapped in a tiny towel. Milos barefoot. Yuki still holding snacks. Sven got sunscreen in his eye. Jens carrying everything and Jesper. Sam emailing the coach mid-sprint: “sir we’re so sorry pls forgive us we were misled by yuki” Tijjani posting a finsta story captioned: “this is what dying in luxury looks like.”

They made it to practice soaking wet, in beach flip-flops, 20 minutes late. Coach stared. Didn’t say a word. Just blew his whistle.

And the bubbly boys? Truly believed this was their last day on Earth.

Alkmaar 22/23. Waterpark edition. Never for the weak. Never again.

YES. YES. OF COURSE THAT HAPPENED.

ALKMAAR 22/23. THE FIRE ALARM SAGA. 🔥💥🚨 The day chaos physically manifested and all seven of the Bubbly Boys proved they would absolutely not survive an actual emergency.

It was 3:14 AM. A blaring alarm pierced through the Alkmaar team hub. Red lights. Screaming sirens. Players scrambled out in pajamas and training jackets, confused and barefoot.

But our boys?

— Milos? Burst out of his room in boxers and one sock, holding a literal Nintendo Switch and a headset still on his head. He screamed, “MY RANKED MATCH, BRO. THIS IS A WAR CRIME.” He forgot his passport. He forgot shoes. But that €500 gaming system? Priorities.

— Yuki? Trotted out calmly but with one single bag of Calbee seaweed chips, clutching it like it was his firstborn. He later explained, “Me no want die hungry. Me ready.” He also brought nothing else. No phone. No wallet. No ID. Just seaweed chips and serenity.

— Jesper? Came out in his boyfriend's oversized hoodie, dragging a blanket behind him and holding Jens’ hand. Jens wasn’t even awake. Jesper physically yanked him out of bed yelling “IT’S AN EMERGENCY, GET YOUR IBS UP.” Jesper had packed an emergency pouch. Containing: lip balm, baby wipes, hair tie, and Jens’ skincare. 💄

— Jens? Fully forgot to wear shoes. Was half-asleep, being led around like a drunk toddler. Tried to go back inside to check if the rice cooker was unplugged. Got stopped by staff. Said: “I left the iron on.” Jesper: “You don’t even own an iron.”

— Sam & Tijjani? Took the longest to evacuate because they were putting on matching Adidas tracksuits and arguing over which color coordinated best. Sam: “If we die I wanna die in a drip.” Tijjani: “Your taste is deadlier than the fire.”

— Sven? Heroically brought out a full duffle bag thinking it had emergency supplies. Turned out? Just protein bars and his gym shoes. Also forgot Milos in the stairwell for 10 minutes.

— Security and staff? Mentally spiraling. One intern whispered, “No wonder the coach calls them the Bubbly Menace. No one’s normal in there.”

Ending? It was a false alarm. The toaster in the kitchenette had short-circuited. Jesper later said, “See? This is why I don’t do carbs. They try to kill me.” Milos: “This is why I don’t do mornings.” Yuki: “This is why me no toast bread.”

ALKMAAR 22/23. In the face of fire? No socks. No passports. No logic. Only love, chips, and gaming consoles. Never for the weak.

TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN. Foreigners in the Netherlands? With passports? Conceptual. Not practical.

Alkmaar 22/23. The Bubbly Passport Crisis. They may be top-tier athletes, but ask them where their legally essential travel documents are? Immediate glitch in the matrix. Let’s break it down:

Jesper K. (Swedish) 🗣️ “It’s probably in my drawer. Or my gym bag. Or the other gym bag. Or maybe my mom has it?” Spoiler: his mom lives in another country. Also once asked “do we really need passports if we’re EU?” and Thijs, overhearing, had to be resuscitated.

Yuki S. (Japanese) 🗣️ “Me think me give to manager. Or me put under bed.” Turned out he did neither. The passport was in the rice cooker box. At Sven’s house. Don’t ask. Yuki himself said: “Me too scared to lose it so me hide good. Now me no know.”

Milos K. (Serbian) 🗣️ “I have passport.” No, he didn’t. He had a laminated photocopy and the cover of the passport stapled to his insurance card. Real passport? “Somewhere in my Fortnite drawer I think?”

Jens O. (Danish) 🗣️ “Of course I know where it is.” And technically yes. But he put it in a 'very safe place' during the move to Alkmaar, which turned out to be the box labeled “Winter Shit – Don’t Touch”. He found it six months later. Jesper said he deserved jail time.

Meanwhile Sam & Tijjani (Dutch): “Are you guys okay.” Sam had his entire life organized in three color-coded folders, which he never showed anyone but bragged about constantly. Tijjani’s passport was in his mom’s kitchen drawer, but he always knew where it was.

Sven? Wasn’t even asked. He’d just show up at the airport with his passport already scanned and emailed to the travel admin with backup copies. Yuki called him “God of Paper.” Milos said: “Bro relax, it’s just a laminated book.” Jesper: “That’s because you don’t have it, dumbass.”

The Alkmaar Admin? Had to create an entire Google Sheet titled ‘PASSPORT LOCATION – BUBBLY BOYS ONLY’ with color codes, backup contacts, and emotional damage logs. After one international match was nearly cancelled because Jesper said “Mine’s not expired, just emotionally unstable.”

Alkmaar 22/23. They could survive brutal training, dramatic relationships, and weekly emotional breakdowns. But a passport?

That’s asking for too much.

OH this one? yeah babe let's talk ✨Foreigners in the Netherlands: the Survival Essentials vs. What the Bubbly Boys Did Instead✨

🔑 ACTUAL MOST IMPORTANT THINGS FOR FOREIGNERS LIVING IN NL

(aka What the Dutch Immigration Office would love you to know)

Register at the Gemeente (Municipality)
Must be done within 5 days of arrival
You get your BSN (citizen service number) this way
No BSN? No job. No bank account. No doctor. No life.
✅ What you should do: Schedule that appointment ASAP
Health Insurance is Mandatory
Not optional. Not maybe. Not "I'll do it later."
Even if you don’t go to the doctor, you must have basic Dutch coverage
Always Have Your Passport/ID
You must be able to show ID if a police officer asks
Not a suggestion. A requirement.
Keep it in your wallet. Or anywhere that’s not under your pillow next to your ex’s bracelet.
Know Your Visa/Residence Permit Status
Are you a student? Athlete? Worker? Can you stay long-term?
Apply for extensions BEFORE expiry. The IND does not mess around.
Banking & Finances
Dutch bank account for salary, rent, bills.
Ideally not your old Serbian or Japanese account or “my mom’s Revolut.”
Public Transport Card (OV-chipkaart)
You need this unless you plan to bike literally everywhere
Don’t be the idiot paying full price every time
Learn Basic Dutch (at least how to say 'I don’t speak Dutch')
Even just "Ik spreek geen Nederlands" will go a long way

🤡 WHAT OUR BALKAN / SCANDINAVIAN / JAPANESE BUBBLIES WERE DOING INSTEAD

🎮 Milos K. (Balkan boy, Serbia):

Forgot to register at the gemeente. Repeatedly. Coach had to call the embassy.
Used his mom’s credit card for 4 months until the bank froze it
Always said “bro I swear I’m gonna get the OV-chip this week” (he never did)
Brought the wrong passport to every airport and argued about it like it was FIFA
Said “if I get arrested you’ll all miss me” and walked off

🌨️ Jens O. (Denmark) & Jesper K. (Sweden):

Thought their EU citizenship = automatic no admin (big mistake)
Jens: forgot to apply for Dutch insurance until he got sick
Jesper: had everything sorted once, then lost his BSN paper for 6 months
Also didn’t know how to do taxes, and trusted Milos to explain them. Milos: “bro just don’t do them”

🍵 Yuki S. (Japan):

Hid his passport in his matcha stash box. Couldn't find it for 10 days.
Didn’t know how to get Dutch health insurance, so he just said “me strong. me never sick.”
His OV-card expired but he didn’t know because the email was in Dutch. Just kept tapping it and assuming it would work.
Missed his IND renewal letter because he used Sam’s address as his mailing address and Sam definitely didn’t check the mail.

📌 REALITY VS CHAOS

Essentials	What They Did Instead
Register with gemeente	Milos said "eh next week." 6 weeks later: still no
Carry passport or valid ID	Jesper: “but I thought Jens was my ID”
Get Dutch insurance	Jens waited until he had literal sepsis
Dutch bank account	Yuki used coins in a Ziploc
OV-chipkaart	Milos borrowed everyone’s and got fined
Learn Dutch	Milos: “ik spreek Balkans”
Visa extensions	Jesper: "wait... it expires?"

✅ What kept them alive?

Sam B.'s color-coded spreadsheets, rage, and money
Sven M.'s clueless but oddly perfect documentation (his mom mailed it)
Tijjani's forged authority and calm under pressure
Yuki's aura of peace that convinced people he belonged
Jens’ pretty-boy diplomatic smile
Jesper’s manipulation of any authority figure ever
Milos’ excuses, charm, and the terrifying power of “pls 🥺”

Alkmaar 22/23. Four immigrants. Zero preparedness. One Dutch boy threatening to call immigration every 3 business days. Never for the weak.

sam: holding up a spreadsheet and a letter from IND with Yuki’s name on it in Comic Sans because Milos printed it on his gaming printer: “YOU HAVE FOUR WEEKS LEFT TO RENEW YOUR PERMIT, YUKI.”

yuki: sipping miso soup peacefully, unbothered, spiritually aligned with the soup bowl “sam pls. me no want deport. only peace.”

milos: “same tbh”

sam: “MILOS YOU’RE LITERALLY NOT JAPANESE”

milos: “but I too… no want deport… only Playstation”

jesper: whispering “i think we should all marry yuki so he can stay longer”

jens: “why tf are you whispering that to me”

jesper: “because you’re my husband, baby. be supportive.”

tijjani: “bro i can forge some documents if u need. i passed an exam once with a driver’s license from Aruba.”

sven: concerned “guys i don’t think this is legal”

sam: deadpan “you don’t say, sven”

yuki: sipping again “me already call japanese embassy. they say ‘no worry’. so i no worry.”

sam: about to implode “this is why i have stress-induced gastritis and early grey hair at 24.”

jesper: “babe you’re 25.”

sam: “shut the fuck up.”

— Alkmaar 22/23. One letter from immigration. Full mental collapse. 🧘‍♂️🍲📉🇳🇱 Never for the weak.

yuki: refreshing the IND website for the 17th time while hugging a hot water bottle and sipping sad green tea “ok now me scare. maybe deport milos but not me. me thank netherlands for kind.”

milos: eating cheese from the block with his bare hands while sitting on a cardboard box in his furniture-less room “i didn’t even do anything bro i just forgot to open my email for three months”

sam: throws down a stack of folders, labeled with color-coded tabs “YES YOU DID. YOU PUT YOUR DUTCH ADDRESS AS ‘THE GAMING HUB’ AND YOUR NATIONALITY AS ‘COOL GUY.’”

milos: “they didn’t say not to.”

yuki: softly “maybe deport milos. but not me. me no cause trouble. me bring peace. me love country.”

tijjani: screenshotting Yuki’s quote to use as caption on his IG story with 🇳🇱✌️🕊 emojis

sven: “guys we could just go to the IND office directly and ask for help. like normal people.”

jesper: “normal?? in this group?? be serious.”

jens: quietly hugging his folder with all of jesper’s paperwork inside because he’s the designated boyfriend-administrator

jesper: leaning on jens’ shoulder “i love you even if you have to raise me like a baby immigrant 🥺”

milos: “i’ll give my Playstation to Yuki if they try to take him. please. he is the nation’s heart.”

yuki: solemnly “me accept. me live long. me not go Aichi yet.”

alkmaar 22/23. immigration panic arc. One legal status away from meltdown. 🛂📄🧘‍♂️💻🇳🇱 Never. For. The. Weak.

ALKMAAR 22/23: KIDNEY PANIC EDITION 😭💥

It started innocently enough. Somebody (probably Sven or Yuki, let’s be honest) turned on the TV. And they sat down. And actually watched the news. Tragedy already.

Cue serious Dutch news anchor voice: “Recent studies show that the lifestyle of many Gen Z adults is contributing to early kidney damage. Excessive caffeine, high sugar intake, lack of sleep, and overuse of medication are among the primary factors. Dialysis in your 20s? Not as rare as you think.”

Silence. Horrified faces. Group-wide existential crisis.

Milos (with three Red Bulls in hand): “…what if they’re talking about me.” Jesper (gripping his boba like it betrayed him): “i knew this drink had an aftertaste of death.” Jens (rubbing his temple): “bro i literally downed ibuprofen like candy last week—i’m done for.” Tijjani: “this is why i only take ginger tea and disrespect.” Sam: “should we do a group detox? group cleanse? i’ll call my parents’ doctor.” Yuki (from the corner, calm): “me already scared. me already die.”

That night?

Jens and Jesper, laying in bed, lights off, traumatized. Jens mumbled about kidney health and early dialysis. Jesper stared into the ceiling, mind spiraling. Then: Jesper: “what if one of us dies young?” Jens: “then i’ll go with you.” Jesper: “ew cringe but ok.”

THE NEXT DAY: Jesper entered the kitchen like he’d seen god. Slammed a jug of water down. “hydration nation, bitches. clear pee or we die.”

Jens: “babe it’s 7AM.” Jesper: “seven stands for the recommended number of daily water bottles. chug or perish.”

MILOS: “ok chill jesper this is my first taurine of the day.” Jesper: “and your last. welcome to kidney-safe club.”

Then one day… Jens got The Text.

📲 “babe my pee is clear like crystal come look 💧🫧✨”

Jens nearly fell off the couch.

Replied with: “NO. please NO. STOP.”

Followed by: 📲 “i’m so proud of u baby but NO.”

Jesper: “it looked like liquid diamond. i might have ascended.”

Yuki walked past sipping miso: “jesper drink too much. soon turn into river.”

Thus began the era of Jesper “Hydration Overload” K., a man whose organs were finally safe but whose groupchat messages… were not.

The bubbly boys? Terrified. Bladder-broken. Spiritually changed. Kidneys? Saved. Trauma? Eternal.

ALKMAAR 22/23. NEVER FOR THE WEAK. NEVER FOR THE DEHYDRATED. 💦