alkmaarsurvivor22

bubbly boys (alkmaar 22/23): a social experiment

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Sam Beukema — Barefoot Tycoon Wears loafers with no socks on purpose. Has five side hustles no one asked about. Gaslights the whole squad into thinking he invented “cozy capitalism.” Makes everyone pay for coffee, even if he invited them.

Catchphrase: “I’m not cheap, I’m financially strategic.” Special move: starts a roast war then leaves mid-argument to take a call from his crypto guy.

Tijjani Reijnders — The Main Villain™ Beautiful, deadly, and always dressed like it’s Paris Fashion Week. Calls Sam “my husband” just to mess with everyone. Platonic marriage held together by pure ✨delusion✨ and a joint Spotify account.

Catchphrase: “Not my circus, not my monkeys. But I am the ringmaster.” Special move: verbally destroys you in three languages and makes you thank him for it.

Jesper Karlsson — Tunnel Rat Popped out of a gutter one day and never left. Built like a raccoon and powered by rage, sugar, and Jens’ validation. Always five seconds away from biting someone. Will scratch you and look cute doing it.

Catchphrase: “You’re lucky I’m in love, otherwise you’d be dead.” Special move: disappears under the couch during a team movie night and emerges with cookies.

Jens Odgaard — Loyal Viking Lover 1.88m of Norse drama and stomach problems. Committed. Gross. Codependent. In love with Jesper to an unhealthy degree. Carries a sword emotionally. Cries easily, vomits frequently, kisses passionately.

Catchphrase: “Jesper, do you still love me? You blinked weird.” Special move: gets ill mid-date but insists on cuddling anyway.

Sven Mijnans — National Husband (全民老公) Too tall, too nice, too perfect. Everyone’s favorite. Brings you tea, listens to your problems, has zero idea how hot he is. Accidentally starts fan clubs in 6 countries.

Catchphrase: “Huh? You think I’m pretty? That’s so nice of you.” Special move: smiles once, ends world hunger.

Yukinari Sugawara — Hokage of the Leaf Village Keeps the whole group from self-destructing. Shoots fireballs of logic. Tries to meditate but someone always interrupts. Probably has dirt on everyone but won’t use it… unless necessary.

Catchphrase: “In Konoha, we have rules. Unlike you degenerates.” Special move: vanishes when the drama starts, but somehow knows everything.

Milos Kerkez — Society Danger Adrenaline gremlin. Breaks laws for fun. Once kicked a vending machine for not having Red Bull. Has never blinked. Sets stuff on fire just to see what happens. Surprisingly loyal.

Catchphrase: “I didn’t do it. But if I had, it would’ve been cooler.” Special move: enters frame via skateboard crash.

Bonus Scene: Jesper climbs onto Jens’ shoulders like a toddler riding a bear. Sam and Tijjani loudly announce their “divorce” for the 9th time that week. Sven makes everyone tea. Yuki sighs. Milos runs past shirtless. End scene.

EXACTLY. THE SEVEN-PIECE CHAOTIC SYMPHONY. THE BUBBLY ERA IN ITS FINAL FORM:

JENJES (Jens & Jesper): The insufferably in love high school couple whose entire relationship arc felt like a Wattpad AU.

  • Sat on each other’s laps during team meetings.
  • Whispered during video reviews and then giggled.
  • Caused physical damage to Sven’s soul every time they kissed goodbye at the training facility after already spending 16 hours together.
  • Texted "i miss u" while sitting five feet apart.
  • Everyone hated it. Everyone rooted for it. No one could look away.

SAM & TIJJANI: The platonic marriage forged in fire and FIFA tournaments.

  • Slept in the same bed on away trips and insisted it was “just convenient.”
  • Argued like a divorced couple at team breakfasts.
  • Played doubles ping pong and took it more seriously than Champions League.
  • Sam once said “this is my life partner” and Tijjani went “yeah unfortunately.”
  • Nobody knew how or why it worked, but it did.

YUKINARI SUGAWARA – HOKAGE OF THE LEAF VILLAGE:

  • The wise barefoot sage with 0 grasp of grammar but infinite spiritual power.
  • Never involved in drama but always knew what was going on.
  • “Me see. Me no speak.”
  • Only broke his silence to roast people with shocking precision.
  • Brought everyone tea. Possibly cursed them with it. Unsure.
  • Held the team together with nothing but chakra and love.

SVEN M. – NATIONAL HUSBAND:

  • Perfect hair. Perfect manners. Perfect heart.
  • Everyone’s shoulder to cry on.
  • Wore sweaters that healed emotional wounds.
  • Gave love advice like a seasoned therapist.
  • Once calmed Milos down with nothing but a hand on the shoulder and a soft “bro.”
  • If you cried, Sven would offer to do your laundry too.

MILOS K. – SOCIETY THREAT:

  • Played football like it was a street fight.
  • Made five enemies a week.
  • Once jumped out of a moving car for a dare.
  • Kicked a ball through a locker.
  • Probably illegally downloaded editing software just to make his own highlight reel to EDM.
  • Threatened world peace daily. Adored nonetheless.

IN CONCLUSION: If Alkmaar 22/23 was a TV show, it would’ve been one part slice of life, one part gay romance, two parts shonen anime, and ten parts found family insanity.

A perfect disaster. The dream ensemble. Nothing like it ever again.

AND THAT RIGHT THERE IS WHAT MADE THEM GOD’S FAVORITES AND THE ERUPTING GAY VOLCANO OF ALKMAAR 22/23.

They were seven certified menaces with:

  • Champagne feet on the pitch,
  • Chaos brain cells off it,
  • Surprisingly good financial boundaries,
  • A secret collective gay aura that leaked into every group photo,
  • And a completely delusional but deeply loyal ride-or-die energy.

Split the bill at every meal. Because yes, Sam B. could buy everyone’s dinner, the restaurant, and possibly the city block, but he also believed in moral equality and fiscal discipline. Jesper once tried to sneakily pay ahead and the group bullied him for a week with Sven gently saying, “No secrets between family.”

Turned up to hearings together like a cult. Yuki: “They ask who is responsible. We say: we are seven.” Tijjani: “That’s how we ended up in the punishment sprints, bro.” Jesper: “Worth it.” Jens: already doing lunges as tribute

The Best On The Pitch. They played like they had a hive mind.

  • One-twos between Yuki and Milos? Dangerous.
  • Sam and Tijjani in midfield? Untouchable.
  • Jesper feeding Jens in the box? Goals and a forehead kiss. They were simultaneously professional athletes and feral high schoolers with a friend group too powerful for FIFA to nerf.

Mildly homo? Let’s be honest—the homo was medium to heavy.

  • Jens did Jesper’s hair gel because “he gets the right texture.”
  • Sven once said “I love you guys” and everyone responded “no homo unless?”
  • Milos kissed Sam’s forehead for a bet and the team clapped.
  • Yuki called everyone “my boyfriend” at least once and claimed it didn’t count in English.

TL;DR: They paid fairly, played beautifully, fought passionately, and loved deeply. And no matter where life flung them afterward—Bologna, Lecce, retirement in a Japanese tea farm—they would never stop being the Bubbly Boys. A gay-coded fiscal-responsibility-fueled legacy like no other.

welcome back to “why the hell were the bubbly boys like this” – a deep philosophical inquiry into chaos, platonic cheek kisses, suspicious caves, and spontaneous gay awakenings.

🛋️ MYSTERY #1: Milos K., born 2003, rich as hell, home like a post-apocalyptic IKEA draft pile

  • Professional footballer? ✅
  • PS5, VR headset, gaming chair made of carbon fiber, LED lights synced to Fortnite? ✅
  • Furniture? ❌
  • Leaks? 10. At least. Species living in them? Unconfirmed.
  • His bedroom had a mattress on the floor, 2 Red Bull cans, and a 4K monitor. Nothing else. Man lived like a raccoon in a Best Buy.

🎙️ Sam, once trapped inside for 2 hours:

"I don’t know if I was playing FIFA or surviving Saw III. There was a drip sound coming from the ceiling and something moved under the bed. I haven't recovered."

💋 MYSTERY #2: Sam and Tijjani kissed on the cheeks and that was just normal

  • No one knew what they were. Not even themselves.

  • Tijjani, resident villain: deadpan, stylish, very straight.

  • Sam: barefoot, rich, emotionally destroyed if Tijjani didn’t text “gn 🤍” by 11PM.

  • They had sleepovers. They danced at parties. They held hands at airports.

  • Sam once said:

“He’s like my husband but I’m aggressively single.”

  • They made zero sense. And infinite sense. Platonic soulmates. Married. No romance. Everyone stopped asking.

🧘‍♂️ MYSTERY #3: Sven and Yuki – the Peace Lords

  • Sven: tallest, kindest, unaware of half the drama. Would cry if a bee landed on him.
  • Yuki: spoke like a monk, moved like a ninja, saw all, judged none.
  • They shared a Spotify Family plan and took turns watering the plant on Sven’s windowsill.
  • Once held hands while crossing the street and it caused no stir because everyone knew: that’s just Sven and Yuki.

Yuki’s analysis of their friendship:

“He soft. Me soft. We match like dumpling and soy.”

🧲 MYSTERY #4: Jens O. and the Spontaneous Homosexuality Incident of 2022

  • Before Alkmaar? Straight. Girls. Forest walks. Maybe even wore cologne.
  • After Jesper? Gone. Lost. Rewired. Jens saw him once (wearing a shirt that didn’t even cover his bellybutton), and the man literally started hovering like a satellite in love.
  • The rest of the team took 0 seconds to adjust.

Milos: “Wait, he was straight? Could’ve fooled me.” Sam: “Took longer for me to come out as lactose intolerant than it took Jens to come out as gay.” Yuki: “Love not gender. Love baby raccoon. I understand.”

🔍 WHY WERE THEY ALL LIKE THIS?

Here are the top 3 theories:

  1. The Alkmaar Water Was Cursed: A mysterious cocktail of chaos chemicals and found family hormones.

  2. Group Delusion: A collective hallucination caused by the lack of boundaries, sleep, and adult supervision.

  3. God Said “Slay” It was fate. Meant to be. A divine comedy with milosian leaks and raccoon-scented romance.

Whatever the reason— They were all wrong in the exact same, beautiful way. That’s why they worked. That’s why they were the 7 threats to humanity. That’s why the world still hasn’t recovered from Alkmaar 22/23.

RIP to sanity. Long live the bubble. 🫧

THIS IS SO CANON I’M GONNA CRY 😭😭😭

Alkmaar 22/23 Gaming Nights™ in the training hub computer lab were sacred. Valorant bloodbaths in aisle 1, Overcooked kitchen chaos in aisle 2, and somewhere in the eye of the storm:

🧍‍♂️→❤️←🧍‍♂️ Jesper + Jens: The Emotional Axis of the Bubbly Boys Universe.

Jesper? Absolutely cracked at Valorant. But also: “Wait wait wait—where’s my boyfriend?” Before every match, bro wouldn’t even queue until he confirmed Jens had:

✅ A seat ✅ A snack ✅ A task ✅ A full battery on his phone ✅ And was less than 0.5 meters away at all times.

Jesper: “Tijjani hold on, we can’t queue yet. Jens doesn’t have his sudoku open.” Jens: half-asleep, blanket over legs, sipping vitamin water “I’m fine, baby.” Jesper: “No, you’re 52 centimeters away. I said 50 MAX.”

Milos: “Bro we’re gonna lose our queue!” Sam: “Jesper’s boyfriend privilege is eternal. Shut up.” Yuki (smiling, handing Jens a mini mochi): “me support romance.” Sven (knitting beside Overcooked): “I wrote a poem about this.”

And once Jens was settled?? MATCH. FOUND. 💥✨⚡️

Jesper morphs into demon mode—screaming callouts, locking Reyna, destroying souls. Meanwhile Jens is just peacefully doodling on his iPad, being held hostage by love, occasionally getting kissed on the temple between rounds.

Mid-game:

Jesper (yelling): “HE’S DEFUSING, SAM, HE’S DEFUSING—” Jesper (whispers): “You good, baby?” Jens (whispers): “Mhm. You’re so good at this.” Jesper: wins the round out of pure love rage

It wasn’t just gaming. It was a ritual. Jesper needed his Jens battery pack charged and glowing beside him. Because what’s a cracked raccoon prince without his gentle Viking anchor??? 🥹🫶🧸💻💥

Alkmaar 22/23 — Wednesday Night Gaming Lab. TIME: 8:47 PM. LOCATION: The training hub Mac lab. ENERGY: Bubbly. Feral. Overstimulating. Dangerous. But cozy.

🖥️ Five gaming PCs. Three set up like a LAN dungeon for Valorant madness. Two slightly away for quieter things like Overcooked and watching Howl’s Moving Castle for the 18th time because Jens didn’t understand it the first 17.

🎮 Valorant corner (absolute hell zone): Tijjani leaned forward like it was life or death, hoodie half off, talking non-stop trash. Sam, wearing his barefoot rich kid energy and noise-canceling headphones (not plugged in), was vibrating with caffeine. Milos was 30 seconds into the round and already said: “I’M DEAD WHY AM I ALWAYS DEAD WHY AM I SAGE I CAN’T HEAL”.

Meanwhile, Jesper: sitting cross-legged like a raccoon king on his gamer throne (a wobbly office chair), yelling “MID MID MID BROOO HE’S BEHIND YOU,” but still had his arm locked around Jens’ thigh. Not even in a romantic way anymore. Just survival instinct. Like Jens was his emotional gaming charger.

💻 Cozy corner: Yuki and Sven at their own desk. Overcooked on the Switch. No words spoken. Only calm, minimalist violence. Sven stirred imaginary soup on screen. Yuki, whispering: “me throw shrimp.” Sven nodded. Peace. Love. Michelin star kitchen.

📺 Meanwhile Jens: curled beside Jesper, watching Howl’s Moving Castle on Jesper’s tablet with wired earbuds Jesper forgot to untangle. Jesper mid-round, still glancing down at Jens: “Baby, you watching?” Jens nodded, then flinched when Jesper screamed: “YO MILOS REVIVE ME U LITTLE RAT.”

Jesper (immediately soft again): “Sorry baby. I love you. Wait—don’t skip that part. The fire talks.” kisses Jens’ knee like nothing happened

🧃Sam: “Bro I’m overheating. Who turned off the fan??” 🎯Tijjani: “Milos literally did that. Said it was buffing his aim.” ⚠️Milos: “I stand by that.” 💅Jesper: “Milos you play like an IKEA lamp.”

Round ends. Jesper lets out a feral victory noise, then immediately wraps his arms around Jens and whispers: “Baby. We won. Did you see? I carried. For you.”

🧘‍♂️Yuki: “me proud of friend.” 🖼️Sven: “Me too.” continues painting tiny pixel stew

It’s 10:31 PM. Someone (probably Sam) orders boba to the training hub. Jesper takes his headset off, plops onto Jens’ lap like a wet cat, and sighs: “Okay, Valorant done. Time to cuddle and judge Sam’s smoothie.”

It wasn’t just a gaming night. It was culture. It was ritual. It was the only time Milos got to stay late without crying. It was BUBBLY BOY CODE.™

NOOOOOOO STOP 😭😭😭 this is literally how every Wednesday went down like clockwork:

🕗 14:03 - post-gym, groupchat lights up:

Sam B.: "studying night tonight. me, tij, and jesper have finals. 8pm. mac lab. mandatory. milos is excused."

Milos: "wtf is this academic apartheid"

Jesper: "you breathe like an ancient war elephant when you eat cereal. we can’t focus."

Tijjani: "be grateful we let you live amongst us, lil brother 🙏 pls behave when u go with us big brothers milos"

Milos: "ur GPA is 1.7 and ur KD ratio is 12.5 ur priorities are demonic"

Jens: "he studies very hard. fuck u milos."

Yuki: “me make banana bread.”

AND THEN at 8pm it’s:

  • Jesper actually doing flashcards like a menace, half in Jens’ lap, biting his pen and whispering, “baby quiz me 🥺”
  • Tijjani hunched over his laptop like he’s about to code the next NASA rocket, but literally has Valorant open on one tab and his midterm review on the other
  • Sam actually trying for 15 minutes until he gets bored and starts taking everyone’s AirDrop photos
  • Yuki and Sven sneak in to drop off banana bread and quietly play Minesweeper like it’s a two-player sport
  • Milos shows up uninvited, slams a Red Bull on the desk, and says “who’s flinching when match found?”

Jens: sits quietly. absorbs knowledge through osmosis. does not blink if Jesper is comfy.

And the second "MATCH FOUND" echoed:

Tijjani: flings laptop open like a Pokémon trainer Jesper: snatches headset like Cinderella grabbing her glass slipper at midnight Sam: “Welp. Sorry education, you lost.” Milos: “i been ready since 2pm losers.” Jens: “shhh i’m watching interstellar and cuddling my bf.”

Yuki: “me scared. me go aichi.”

Studying? Flimsy. Brotherhood? Chaotic. Gaming and gay love? Unbreakable.

LMAOOOOOOO 💀💀💀 MILOS HAD EVERY OPPORTUNITY. EVERY BRANCH OF FRIENDSHIP EXTENDED. AND HE STILL ENDED UP BANNED FROM THE EU STUDYING UNION

Let’s break this down because this is classic bubbly boy chaos:

📝 Study Night Peace Attempts – The Receipts

  • Jens: "Milos, wanna watch Interstellar with me? It’s relaxing. Jesper’s gonna fall asleep on my chest in 20 minutes anyway."

  • Sven: "Come, we do painting. It’s like... emotions with colors. Also I bought glitter."

  • Yuki: "Me need help. English homework. You read? Me write. Teamwork."

  • Jesper, Sam, Tijjani: "You can sit here. In the middle. Don’t speak. Don’t breathe funny. Don’t open snacks. Don’t install League."

🧍‍♂️ Milos K. (2003, certified menace):

  • Immediately opened Discord at max volume
  • AirDropped an image of a frog holding a knife to the Mac lab projector
  • Put his feet on Sam’s bag
  • Said "bro this movie’s boring" 11 minutes into Interstellar
  • Ate a banana so loud it got its own audible echo
  • Told Yuki “you spelled ‘the’ wrong, that’s wild”
  • Asked Jesper if he could play 1 match on his laptop and “just alt tab back when you hear footsteps”

The aftermath:

Tijjani: “NEXT TIME DON’T EVER THINK ABOUT GOING WITH US, MILOS.” Jesper: "Blocked and reported. Enjoy jail." Sam: "i’m filing an HR report with the UEFA bubble." Milos: "wtf i was literally invited"

Yuki: “me traumatized”

Jens (later in bed, kissing Jesper’s temple): "it was sweet of you to try with him though. never again."

Bro was truly the most loved and most banned member of the bubble. They held him in their hearts… just not in their study groups.

Milos was banished from academia, but king of the LAN party realm 👑💻⚔️

Every single time—every Wednesday—when the crew had dead legs, dead brains, and dead hope after a brutal double session, it was Milos, their youngest, loudest son, who rose like a phoenix from his gamer chair:

Milos (6:21PM sharp): "GAME NIGHT TONIGHT. 7:99PM. COMPUTER LAB. OR ELSE. I AM BRINGING HEADPHONES AND VIOLENCE."

Suddenly??

  • Jesper: "YES YES YES LET’S GO. I’M INSTALLING EVERYTHING. WHO TOUCHED MY DPI SETTINGS."
  • Tijjani: "I’M ONLY PLAYING RANKED IF SAM’S NOT ON MY TEAM."
  • Sam: "why do u always start with violence. im better now. i have therapy."
  • Jesper: "Jens baby ignore this chat. I already got your movie. I downloaded a farming sim. You’ll love it. It has pigs."
  • Jens: "Jesper said it’s a viking-themed pig game. I am seated."

And then? Sven and Yuki entered with vibes ✨

  • Yuki brought the Overcooked setup like a monk delivering wisdom.
  • Sven brought cookies. Sven always brought cookies. Everyone loved Sven's cookies.
  • They’d sit in the corner like "chaos is nearby but not within us"

Computer Lab: 8:07PM

  • Milos already shouting “THEY RUSHED MID AND NO ONE ROTATED”
  • Jesper top fragging. Still managing to baby talk Jens every 4 minutes.
  • Jens calmly petting a pig in his offline farm game. Occasionally whispering “Jesper you’re cracked.”
  • Sam and Tijjani physically fighting over who pinged the map wrong.
  • Sven whispering, “Yuki, I dropped the soup in the sea again.”
  • Yuki: “Me make another. No cry.”

It was violent. It was holy. It was the real Alkmaar Declaration of Brotherhood. Milos may have been a menace. But he never let them forget their roots.

OH YOU WANNA GO THERE??? ALKMAAR 22/23 SLEEPING HABITS. SAY LESS. this is pure anthropological chaos. this is psychological warfare meets cuddly bedtime. this is 7 threats to society in their most vulnerable, unfiltered, and feral states.

let’s break it down like National Geographic:

🛌 YUKI: “THE PEACEFUL PILLOW MONK”

Habit: sleeps like he’s meditating in a temple. Position: flat on his back, arms crossed over chest like a serene mummy. Traits: doesn't move. doesn't snore. doesn’t breathe (allegedly). The room temp: 16°C. everyone else: freezing. Yuki: “harmony.” Bonus: his pillow smells like lavender and peace treaties.

🛌 SVEN: “THE COMFY GIANT”

Habit: 9 hours minimum or he’s nonfunctional. Position: curled like a shrimp even though he's 6’4. hugs a body pillow or a blanket roll. Traits: mouth open. sometimes snores but it's like a cute dad snore. Tragic flaw: if Yuki’s not in the room, he can't sleep. once called him at 3AM just to say goodnight.

🛌 JENJES (they get their own subcategory because... yeah):

💛 JENSPER SLEEP DYNAMICS

Jens: sleeps shirtless, tense like a war vet, holds Jesper like he's a stress ball. wakes up at every movement Jesper makes. Jesper: shifts 56 times a night, steals the blanket, talks in his sleep, smacks Jens in the face accidentally, sometimes sleeps with socks on because “it’s cute.” Result:

  • Jens: sleep-deprived, happy, wouldn't change a thing.
  • Jesper: wakes up on top of Jens, claims he has no memory, but grins every time.
  • Sam: once walked past their door and heard Jens go, “no baby don’t put your foot there it’s sweaty” and had to walk into a wall to recover.

🛌 TIJJANI: “THE SLEEPING BEAUTY WITH WIFI”

Habit: stays on his phone till 2AM watching philosophy TikToks. Position: side sleeper. phone under pillow. Traits: has a 3-step skincare routine even before naps. insists on blackout curtains and silence. Bonus: if you wake him up wrong he’ll file a report.

🛌 SAM: “THE RICH INSOMNIAC CHILD”

Habit: never sleeps before 3AM unless he’s sick or cuddled. Position: fetal position with designer blanket and 4 pillows. Traits: always looks like he’s dreaming about capitalism and childhood trauma. Tragic flaw: will text “u up?” to the group chat at 2:47AM like a menace.

🛌 MILOS: “THE NOCTURNAL MENACE”

Habit: doesn't sleep. only naps. Position: upside down like a bat. Traits: gaming chair is his real bed. swears 4 hours of sleep and 1 Monster Energy is enough. Alarming fact: once woke up at 4AM, made toast, and knocked on Yuki’s door to ask about breakfast. Everyone else: “YOU DON’T EVEN PLAY IN THE FIRST TEAM YET SLEEP.”

so yeah. alkmaar 22/23 bedtime was like if you dropped a toddler daycare into a military camp and gave them all Spotify playlists, skin issues, codependency, and trauma. and it was beautiful 🥹✨

ABSOLUTELY. THE ACADEMIC WEAPON ERA OF ALKMAAR 22/23 😭📚💥

EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT: THE ACADEMICALLY STRESSED, EMOTIONALLY UNHINGED, AESTHETICALLY CHAOTIC RITUAL

🧋 Jens & Jesper Certified couple goals slash honorary university TAs.

  • Jens: “Here’s your honey oat matcha baby, with oat milk ‘cause almond bloats you and I care.”
  • Jens: massaging Jesper’s back like it’s a Champions League final while whispering, “You’re so smart. You’re gonna cite like a king.”
  • Jesper: “I didn’t open the doc yet but I’m feeling motivated now.”
  • Jens: ✨ melts ✨

Jesper then proceeds to watch a Taylor Swift short film on mute while typing his intro paragraph. Somehow still gets a distinction.

👬 Sven & Yuki The wholesome honor roll besties.

  • Sven sets up a whole study nook, with scented candles, soft lofi, and a cozy blanket.
  • Yuki brings homemade snacks: “Me make this for focus. Also tea. Also miso cookie.”
  • Sven: “I’ll quiz you after we finish Lesson 8. Then we can do paint-by-numbers.”
  • Yuki: nodded, whispered “you are peace,” and updated his Insta story with a boomer pixelated “study buddy 🥺🍵” in Comic Sans.

🎮 Sam, Tijjani & Jesper (again) These three = GPA chaos gremlins.

  • Sam: “I have the PDF. I think. Wait no that’s from week 2.”
  • Jesper: “The rubric is vibes. I’m submitting vibes.”
  • Tijjani: “I swear to god if you pick Jett one more time in Valorant—wait nvm I got a headshot.”
  • Fights break out mid-slides. Still turn in group work with a perfect APA reference page and Google Sheets formatted like a bank audit.

They picked each other every semester. Complain all week. Would die if forced into another group. Classic.

💻 Milos The uninvited. The unhinged. The inevitable.

  • Sam: “MAC LAB. 8PM. STUDY. MILOS DO NOT COME.”
  • Milos: walks in 7:58 PM with a Monster energy, a 90% brightness MacBook, and two speakers blasting DnB.
  • Jesper: “He’s not even in our course.”
  • Milos: “I heard y’all had snacks.”

Did he help? No. Did he make everyone cry-laugh mid-panic? Every time.

And what was their team name on the final presentation slides???

Team Bibliografi Baddies™

Jesper: accidentally opened Valorant mid-presentation. Sam: “He’s our mascot, ignore him.” Tijjani: still got applause. Yuki clapped too hard and spilled tea. Sven cleaned it with a printed version of the rubric.

LONG LIVE THE ALKMAAR SCHOLARS. They didn’t just pass the course. They submitted memes in appendices. They cited each other like "according to Jesper (2022) 'this is trash but we move'..." And they never let Milos bring a Monster again.

NOOO STOP YOU’RE TAKING ME OUT 💀💀💀

This was every Alkmaar 22/23 dinner planning session:

Tijjani, bold as ever at 5:32PM:

can we have thai today pls

Sam, instantly ignoring the “pls”:

there’s this new place that’s 48€ per person. they hand-feed you and sing

Jesper:

bro just say u wanna be worshipped like a god and go

Milos:

i have 4€ and a mystery box of trauma. there’s a vendor behind lidl that sells pad thai for 3.50

Sven, who read one health article once:

milos are u participating in risky sport activity why are you broke again?

Milos, zero shame:

i bought the new ultimate skin bundle in league it glows purple i needed it

Yuki (5 mins late but wise):

me can cook if u want

Jesper:

bro no offense ur soup made me see god last time but i want pad thai

Jens, entering late like a knight in IKEA armor:

jesper what do you want baby i’ll drive

Jesper:

ugh i hate decisions. ok thai

Sam:

so are we doing the expensive place? it has candles

Tijjani:

if i end up in debt because of you i’m stealing your hoodie

Milos:

i’m already in debt and i’m still coming. pick me up

And then they went.

Jesper complained about the spice level. Sam flirted with the waiter. Tijjani started a debate about who’s paying. Milos brought tupperware to steal leftovers. Sven paid without telling anyone. Yuki tipped extra. Jens fed Jesper his rice.

Alkmaar 22/23. The cuisine might’ve changed. But the chaos? Eternal.

Oh babe. Let’s go full BUBBLY BOYS NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC DOCUMENTARY MODE, because the Alkmaar 22/23 pairings were PEAK civilization. ✨ These combos were giving: soulmate tax benefits, karmic twin flames, FBI watchlist dynamic, we met in a war zone and never separated. So here we go:

🛐 Sam & Tijjani – Platonic Marriage with War Vows

  • These two were legally, emotionally, and spiritually wed—but only in the deepest, platonic way possible.
  • Sam = barefoot chaos tycoon, Tijjani = mysterious strategist.
  • Slept in separate beds but texted “wyd” from across the room.
  • Had joint opinions on every other boy’s life choices.
  • Called each other “babe” and fought like exes who still co-parent a dog.
  • Once went to IKEA for a lamp and came back with a couch, a life insurance policy, and a renewed marital contract.

Sam, once, about Jesper: “He’s being feral again.” Tijjani: “He’s your raccoon too. You signed off on him with me.”

🌸 Yuki & Sven – The Zen Farmers Who Keep Bees & Peace

  • Literally the embodiment of calm in a raging sea.
  • Sven: clueless golden retriever with a kind soul and protein shake addiction.
  • Yuki: Hokage of peace, broken English philosopher, cooked like a five-star chef.
  • Spoke in riddles. Watered plants together.
  • Their version of drama was Sven losing a sock and Yuki saying, “Maybe sock lost itself to be found by another.”

Once Sven cried during training and Yuki just said, “Water come from you like storm come from sky. It’s okay.” 😭

🥵 Jens & Jesper – Soulmate-twinks-to-enemies-to-boyfriends-to-fusion-core

  • Jens: 1.88m Viking with IBS and devotion issues.
  • Jesper: 1.71m raccoon who used to be 20 hoes in 1 but then found God (Jens).
  • Fused at the hip. Shared clothes. Shared trauma. Shared emotional support water bottle.
  • Fought like exes, loved like fanfiction, kissed like apocalypse was tomorrow.
  • Jens let Jesper ruin his life, Jesper let Jens save it.
  • One time they had a public fight over yogurt. The entire group pretended to go blind.

Sven once whispered: “Are they okay?” Sam: “That’s them flirting.”

🎮 Milos – Chaotic Free Agent with Elite Vibe Licensing

  • Didn’t belong to anyone but belonged with everyone.
  • Wealthy but slept on a mattress with no bed frame.
  • Once hijacked the lounge TV to AirPlay Jesper’s Albert-era aesthetic photos while Sam held Jesper hostage.
  • Called Jens “the gay Viking conversion therapy failed to fix.”
  • Bestie-coded with Yuki when he wanted snacks, third-wheeled Sam and Tijjani with zero shame, trauma-bonded with Jesper in the middle of a Fortnite round.

Eventually got kicked out for playing “Who Would Jesper Kiss?” at 2 AM with a PowerPoint presentation. Still denied responsibility.

In conclusion: They were not a friend group. They were a government experiment. They were bonded by chaos, trauma, shared soup, and the kind of love you only find once and never again.

Alkmaar 22/23? A holy site. A documentary. An unreplicable phenomenon.

OH BABE you have no idea what chaos you’ve just unlocked because the Alkmaar 22/23 pairings?? They were all operating on feral friendship frequencies that no one else on Earth could comprehend. So let’s break it down:

👬 Sam & Tijjani – the Platonic Marriage Supreme™

  • They were the OG power couple. Not romantic, not even that affectionate—just spiritually, cosmically wed.
  • Sam: barefoot, bored, rich. Tijjani: mysterious, strategic, married to Sam since birth probably.
  • They fought like an old couple. “That’s your side of the locker.” “Don’t eat my granola.” But let someone mess with Sam? Tijjani’s already outside your house.
  • They made joint decisions on everything, even haircuts. Everyone thought they secretly had a shared bank account.

🌸 Yuki & Sven – the Zen Forest Spirits

  • Peaceful forest husband duo. No chaos, just soft vibes and weird snacks.
  • Yuki never raised his voice. Sven didn't even have a voice half the time unless Yuki summoned it.
  • They watered the plants. Cleaned up after everyone else. Occasionally disappeared into the woods for “air.”
  • Yuki would be meditating and Sven would be like, “He’s ascending. I’ll join him after finishing this yogurt.”

💥 Jens & Jesper – That One Couple™

  • Bro they were emotionally fused by late September. Couldn’t breathe without the other.
  • Fought like warlords. Loved like soulmates. If Jesper was feral raccoon, Jens was the viking with a leash—and vice versa.
  • Everyone had to sit through their Netflix arguments like: “You watched ahead without me?” “You said I could!” cries
  • But if Jesper had a fever or Jens had tummy problems? Nobody talked. The household mobilized like medics in war. It was code red.

🎮 Milos – The Free Radical

  • Milos didn’t belong to one pair. He belonged to the streets (and the PS5).
  • Was somehow best friends with everyone. He'd vanish for two days, then show up with expensive almond milk like nothing happened.
  • Sat on Yuki’s meditation mat. Borrowed Sam’s moisturizer. Ate Tijjani’s granola. Used Jens’ socks. No one could stay mad at him.
  • Got kicked out multiple times but always came back with “I brought boba for everyone 🧋”

Would you like to know what they were like at breakfast? On away trips? During team karaoke night? Because I’m ready. I’ve got footnotes. Let’s go.

Yes. Yes yes yes. Alkmaar 22/23 was the fratboy-core fever dream and emotional spiraling wrapped in neon lights and red bull—so this 1000% happened. Let’s paint it out:

Setting: Sam’s absurdly oversized rental mansion for no reason (he “won” it in a poker game with Sven and a youth player). Milos brought a speaker the size of a human child. Jägerbombs were flowing like war crimes. Jens and Jesper had just played their third round of “would you still love me if I was a worm?” (answer: yes, but only if you're my worm).

Jens? Sweaty, flushed, just threw up behind a hedge with Milos holding his curls back (broship). Jesper? Tipsy, spinning in the kitchen in socks, yelling at Sven to “cut those cucumbers thinner you oversized IKEA bedframe.”

Sam and Tijjani were screaming the lyrics to Dutch rap like they owned the country, and Yuki was in the corner sipping sparkling sake and filming blackmail content.

But then.

Somebody—probably Sven, soft Sven, with the heart of a grandmother and the music taste of a teenage girl—sneaks behind the aux and changes it to "Long Live (Taylor’s Version)".

And everything shifts.

The lights feel warmer. The yelling fades. Even Milos falls silent.

Jesper is standing by the counter with a half-eaten cucumber in one hand, and Jens looks up from the couch, barely upright, eyes still glassy from jäger and too many feelings, and suddenly?

It’s just them.

Jesper’s lips part like he might laugh but instead he just whispers, “It’s this one.” And Jens whispers back, “I know.”

The chorus hits. And it’s not even a song anymore, it’s a memory—of Alkmaar, of bubble days, of stupid shorts and midnight Pokémon raids and stolen glances in locker rooms and that feeling of belonging to someone before it all got complicated.

They lock eyes across the room. The rest of the party dissolves into fuzz.

Jens can’t breathe. Jesper can’t stop smiling.

The lyrics go: “Long live all the mountains we moved…” and Jens mouths it back like a prayer. Jesper nods. Like he heard it in his chest.

—

And in that second, they did think they could stay in that moment forever. Even if they wouldn't. Even if it all broke later. Even if the mountain moved away.

For now? They had it. Sam’s mansion. Sven’s music. The red solo cups. The us. That tiny slice of forever in a fratboy-coded party lit by the softest heartbreak song in history.

Alkmaar 22/23 was ridiculous, messy, and chaotic—but that moment? That was its soul.

literally NO main characters. only ✨rotating chaos leads✨.

each week it was someone else’s turn to be the downfall and the disaster. like a gremlin relay race. a sitcom where the writers were on strike but the cast just kept improvising:

🧃 sam b. – the barefoot tycoon

  • allergic to authority, but addicted to drama
  • once missed a team meeting because he was “emotionally compromised” by an instagram story from his ex's dog
  • took being the group's media face way too seriously: “if we go down, we do it aesthetically.”
  • downfall arc: got the whole team a formal warning because he hijacked the social media password and started posting raccoon thirst traps and milos' paycheck screenshots

🦴 tijjani r. – the main villain

  • speaks like he’s narrating a murder podcast
  • has never had a normal conversation with sam
  • allergic to emotions unless they're delivered via sarcasm
  • downfall arc: once sabotaged a team dinner because “the vibes were off” and “jesper’s shirt had unholy energy”

🧨 milos k. – danger to society (age 19)

  • rich, unhinged, too fast too furious
  • 0 furniture. 1 gaming chair. 1 ps5 setup.
  • called an Uber to practice because he "forgot where the locker room was"
  • downfall arc: made the entire squad fail a media workshop after accidentally live-streaming from the changing room (with his facecam on and commentary like “damn bro, they’re really changing”)

🐿️ jesper k. – tunnel rat / raccoon prince

  • beautiful, feral, suspiciously small appetite
  • mouth said “don’t touch me” but eyes said “carry me”
  • emotionally volatile but stunning
  • downfall arc: disappeared for 12 hours before a game and was found at 3am eating expired ice cream behind the hotel—"for the vibe"

🧔🏻‍♂️ jens o. – viking lover with tummy troubles

  • looked like he could slay a dragon but was legally required to carry antacids
  • had the soul of a golden retriever and the gastrointestinal system of a medieval peasant
  • downfall arc: went down mid-game from cheese-induced chaos. the ER nurse asked “how tall are you” before asking “are you okay”

🌸 sven m. – the national husband

  • said “what’s up guys” once and got a fanclub
  • would bake banana bread for someone he barely knew
  • sneezed 11 times in a row each morning
  • downfall arc: nearly hospitalized because he showered with the window open. wore a scarf for a week. refused to speak of it again.

🍃 yuki s. – hokage of the leaf village

  • quiet, zen, but with hidden power
  • once stopped a raccoon-boy-and-viking brawl with just a juice box and a head pat
  • said things like “peace is necessary” while throwing shade in broken english
  • downfall arc: organized team yoga, only for it to end in three pulled muscles, one blackout, and sam crying from a vision he saw mid-downward dog

they weren’t main characters. they were ✨co-leads in shared crimes✨. seven chaotic threads braided together by fate, mutual blackmail, and sam’s refusal to let the group chat die.

alkmaar 22/23 wasn’t a team. it was a sitcom. a cult. a war zone. and they wouldn't have it any other way.

EXACTLY. this is the socioeconomic Avengers lineup. all 7 boys spawned from different DLCs of life, and the only common ground was “football” and “chaos.” let’s break it all the way down like a BuzzFeed docu-drama:

🧢 SVEN M. — THE RELATABLE HUSBAND

  • born from the most average Dutch experience known to man
  • had 2 siblings and 0 time for drama
  • “we had to take the train to football and split fries with ketchup, and that’s character building”
  • used 2007 Nokia till age 15, called mom collect from the club payphone
  • would eat any meal in front of him with genuine joy
  • sometimes the group forgot he was a pro athlete because he dressed like he just fixed your sink

🍙 YUKI S. — ZEN WITH BENTO

  • parents sacrificed everything for him to get here
  • probably had a grandpa with handwritten calligraphy scrolls that said “discipline”
  • grew up with quiet dignity, modesty, and 100% attendance at practice
  • when the others fought, he just sipped green tea and whispered, “you are being loud.”
  • lived off rice, fish, and his mom’s prayers
  • would cry if he ever disappointed his father, then fold a thousand paper cranes to fix the karma

🍛 TIJJANI R. — THE VILLAIN WITH 3 AUNTIES IN ONE ROOM

  • half-Dutch half-Indonesian, full personality
  • shared a room with a cousin, an auntie, a Nintendo DS, and a broken fan
  • turned sarcasm into his survival language
  • made it out through pure brain, footwork, and not sleeping on dreams
  • owns exactly 4 shirts, but makes them look like designer
  • when sam cries about losing his charger, tijjani whispers, “I used to write homework with candlelight.”

🛏️ MILOS K. — THE DANGER FROM THE BUNK BED

  • Hungary’s most volatile export
  • shared a mattress with 3 cousins and a FIFA addiction
  • “tight finance” doesn’t even cover it—he once traded a sandwich for cleats
  • made it to pro football on energy drinks and violence
  • never had furniture in his flat but somehow owned a \$1,200 gaming headset
  • only spoke when absolutely unnecessary. usually threats.

🐺 JENS O. — THE TENDER VIKING

  • grew up in the “middle-class fjord edition” of life
  • had enough to live but not enough to flex
  • hand-me-downs from older sister Anna (who taught him kindness and eyeliner)
  • always had snacks in his backpack “just in case”
  • never brags. just blushes when someone compliments his calves
  • once spent his birthday money on a mug for his mom that said “beste mamma i verden”

🦝 JESPER K. — THE RACCOON FROM FALKENBERG

  • dad died young. grew up faster than he should’ve
  • mom was the queen of “we’ll make it work” energy
  • Simon was the backbone, the chauffeur, and the backup dad
  • always smiling, but ate air for lunch
  • fashion inspo was streetrat but make it ✨editorial✨
  • couldn’t eat a full meal but could eat you alive in a roast
  • slept like a toddler, fought like a raccoon, looked like a fallen angel

💅 SAM B. — THE TRUST FUND CHAOS

  • parents richer than FIFA itself
  • grew up between a Paris villa and a London mansion
  • never saw tap water until age 12
  • wore Burberry to training. had a Gucci shin guard moment
  • Montessori kid to the bone: emotionally articulate, morally flexible
  • was never told no. not once.
  • knew everyone’s backstory and called it “character development”
  • tried to unionize the friend group because “Jesper deserves lobster”

together? this wasn’t a football squad. this was a seven-nation socioeconomic circus.

sam had generational wealth. jesper had generational trauma. jens had generational acid reflux.

they shouldn’t have worked as a group. but somehow, they were a perfectly balanced sitcom family:

  • one rich kid
  • two emotionally haunted soft boys
  • three working class warriors
  • and one national husband who held it all together with Dutch carbs and blind optimism.

alkmaar 22/23 was proof that chaos knows no class lines. football really said “come as you are.”

LITERALLY the Alkmaar 22/23 bedtime routine was less “calm winding down” and more like a sleepover hosted by a group of unsupervised gremlins who just discovered energy drinks and emotional codependency. Let’s break it down:

🦝 Jesper "I Need One Sip and One Pee" Karlsson

  • Bedtime starts with one exact sip of water (no more, no less).
  • Must ask Jens “Did I pee already?” even if he just did 3 seconds ago.
  • Has to be tucked in, and if Jens doesn’t say “goodnight raccoon,” he will not sleep.
  • Once in bed, scrolls TikTok with volume at 2% and brightness maxed. Feral.
  • Will kick violently in his sleep if he’s thirsty, has to pee, or just wants attention.

🐺 Jens "Loyal Viking Lover" Odgaard

  • His routine is entirely based on Jesper’s. If raccoon pees, he pees. If raccoon wants to cuddle, he cuddles. No independent thoughts after 9pm.
  • Sets three alarms: one to take probiotics, one to remind Jesper to sleep, and one labeled “check if raccoon is still breathing.”
  • Wears ugly sleep shorts and a huge T-shirt that Jesper secretly stole once and sleeps in when Jens is away.
  • Goes to bed with melatonin and 87 existential thoughts.
  • Probably watches “slow campfire ASMR” while spooning Jesper.

🐾 Sam "Barefoot Tycoon" Beukema

  • Skin care routine with seven steps, including misting and jade rolling. He says it’s minimalist.
  • Sleeps on silk pillowcases because “my hair, babes.”
  • Watches YouTube videos titled “How to Be Calm and Zen” but screams when Milos FaceTimes him from the bathroom.
  • Bedtime snack? Chocolate. Then brushes teeth again.
  • Sleeps starfish-style in the middle of a king-sized bed, even though he lives alone.

🕶️ Tijjani "Main Villain" Reijnders

  • Sits on the edge of the bed for 17 minutes in pitch darkness like he’s brooding over a war crime.
  • Says “goodnight” once, monotone. No repeats. If you miss it, too bad.
  • Texts Sam “u up?” even though he’s in the next room.
  • Has a weird herbal tea he drinks that smells like bark and regret.
  • Sleeps with socks on. It’s evil and he knows it.

💸 Milos "Danger to Society" Kerkez

  • Shower at 2am, music on max, doesn’t care who hears.
  • Talks to his PS5 like it’s his son.
  • Uses three-in-one shampoo/conditioner/body wash and thinks it’s “efficient.”
  • Sleeps diagonally with all the blankets stolen.
  • FaceTimes everyone at least once before bed. Even Yuki. Even the physio guy. Even Sam's dog.

🍃 Yuki "Hokage of the Leaf Village" Sugawara

  • Lights incense. Does stretches in silence. Already in pajamas by 8pm.
  • Phone is already off, he lives in a different dimension.
  • Probably journaling by candlelight and forgiving everyone who wronged him.
  • Sleeps with calming Japanese zen garden sounds playing.
  • His texts don’t even have typos at night. He becomes one with the universe.

🍞 Sven "Dutch National Husband" Mijnans

  • Eats a slice of bread before bed. Like clockwork.
  • Always forgets to charge his phone. Asks “where’s my charger?” every night.
  • Tucks himself in like a burrito. Needs complete darkness.
  • Sends voice notes to the group chat like: “Good night brothers. Sleep well. Love you guys.” 🥹
  • Talks in his sleep. Yuki has notes. Sam has recordings.

They’re all chaos in different fonts. But if even one of them doesn’t say goodnight in the group chat… someone (Jesper) is waking up Milos with a panicked voice note at 3:41 AM.

REAL. Unshakably, canonically, scientifically real.

Like—

🌪 Sven and Yuki: softest slow-burn anime duo never meant to kiss

  • Sven: The golden retriever with husband energy.
  • Yuki: The zen anime introvert who’d rather reincarnate as moss than date.
  • They once accidentally held hands during a thunderstorm and screamed.
  • Chemistry off the charts. But they meditate it away.

Sven: “Should we ever… you know?” Yuki: “We did. In past life. That’s enough.”

🍵 Sam and Tijjani: Married. Taxes filed. No sex. No kiss. Just vibes.

  • They know each other’s skincare routines and worst fears.
  • They’ve nursed each other through breakups without blinking.
  • Sam once said: “If Tijjani ever kissed me, I’d actually turn inside out.”
  • Tijjani: “Romance is a pyramid scheme. Sam is my legally assigned partner in crime.”

🍔 Milos: 19, feral, future billionaire, dating his next snack

  • Emotionally unavailable because he’s emotionally unbothered.

  • All he needs is:

  • A fresh burger.

  • One (1) illegally imported energy drink.
  • A PS5 game with explosions and a tragic male lead.
  • He once saw Jens cry over Jesper and whispered:

“Y’all are so dramatic. Just eat a burger.”

🔥 Meanwhile… Jens & Jesper?

  • Chaos.
  • Suffering.
  • Love letters folded like high school notes.
  • Kissing in the rain while screaming at each other.

And the other 5? They simply look at them like:

“See? That’s why we don’t do that.”

Only one couple could walk that wire. The rest? Stayed on solid ground. Holding iced coffees. And judging lovingly.